Behind Closed Doors
[With thanks to Bobby for RPing this conversation with me--Maer]
An excerpt from Peripatetica, by M. K. Sebastien, Engr. ret.
Thursday, 27 Apr 2519
Kuiper II Class, Summer’s Gift
En Route to Sophie
10:30 hrs, ship’s time
I waited until the crew had finished with breakfast and were firmly engaged in their various duties before approaching Arden. I wanted to be sure we wouldn’t be interrupted. I made a final notation on my work log, stowed the paperwork, and left the engine room to look for him. He was, as I’d expected, in the med bay. I stuck my head in and rapped on the door jamb.
“Arden? You got a minute?”
Arden looked up from the terminal, then said, “Sure. Let me save this.” He touched a spot on the terminal and then looked at me. “What’s up?”
I checked the corridor behind me and seeing it was clear, I stepped inside the med bay and closed the door. I didn’t want to be the one to do this, but I knew if I left it to Nika she’d never get around to it. I went to the counter where Arden sat at the terminal and leaned against it.
“I know you and Nika are something of an item,” I began, looking down at my boots. “And she’s already told me that it’s just a mutually amicable... agreement.... between the two of you. And I’m looking at her and I’m looking at you and I’m not seeing it. Not on your side of it, anyway.” I sighed. I hated messiness and this was going to get messy. Fast. “Are you in too deep, Arden? Are you going to be hurt when the time comes and she breaks this off?”
I looked up.
“I mean, I trust Nika to be up front with you about this not being a permanent thing, and she says she has. It’s just that when you say that to someone, the longer the arrangement lasts, the weaker the warning gets, til the other person stops believing it will ever happen. That’s when the hammer drops, and that’s when it hurts the most. God knows, I’m the last person on this boat who should be telling you this and I know you and I don’t see eye to eye on the subject, but....I like you, Arden, and I don’t want to see you hurt because you’ve got more invested in this than Nika does.”
Arden stopped and listened, my comments taking him by surprise. He pushed away from the table and then stood up. Took a pen and clicked it a few times and then put it down again. He looked at me and said softly, “Do you think that it any of your business, Rina? I didn’t say anything about you and Mike. I make no comments (besides snarky ones) about Christian.
“Anything that happens, if it happens, between Nika and me, is between Nika and me and no one else. We’ve talked about it and we have both agreed that if anything affects the ship negatively then whatever that is, it stops then and never resumes.”
Arden paused, took a deep breath and then continued. “Perhaps you should look at it another way, Rina. You know what the society I was raised in is like, right?” He waited for me to acknowledge that, and said, “Love and commitment isn’t something that the founders of Erewhon and Sophie wanted. To them, emotional entanglements were anathema. They lessened the effectiveness of the functionality of the colony.
“So emotional entanglements aren’t something I am equipped or trained to have,” Arden said. “If anyone is to get too attached, I suspect it will be Nika, not me. I appreciate your concern but you don’t have to worry about my heart in this matter. To me the heart is a circulatory organ and that’s all.”
Duly rebuked, I stood there and took that dressing down without protest. When he was finished I cleared my throat and asked him the one question it raised in my mind.
“You mean to tell me that you don’t feel anything? For anybody? Ever?”
Arden smiled, then laughed. “No, no.... that’s not what I mean. See, in Erewhon, relationships are frowned on. They teach us in the creche not to feel ‘em. To hold no one person more special than the other. Obviously, that’s wrong.
“People... well, only certain people are worth my trust and admiration... You, Nika, Christian... a few others.” Arden paused, “You I like, even love. But as for hearts ... well....
“Come on, have a seat,” he said over his shoulder as he turned away and opened a cabinet. “And have a drink with me.”
He returned with an unopened bottle of vodka and two disposable glasses, the kind pervasive to doctor offices everywhere. “I think I need a few of these before I can explain the matters of my heart to anyone, much less myself.”
“I think I’m going to need more than a few.” I moved aside to let Arden by and then took a seat on the exam table, folding a leg under me. “Lemme get this straight: you’ve been trained to regard everyone equally without favoritism, but you claim that certain individuals have earned your trust and admiration, despite. And that implies others are being excluded and the field just got very unequal.”
"You are hearing more than I am saying or I am being very unclear. Let me start over," Arden poured us both a couple fingers of vodka.
"At Erewhon relationships are frowned upon, so we are brought up with the expectation of never having relationships like that. Attitudes like that affects how a kid thinks, much less how he develops especially during the adolescent years."
Arden took up his glass and held the other out to me. I accepted it and he continued.
"So when I left Erewhon and went to Osiris the culture shock of going from a nonsexual environment to the chaos that is the norm in the Verse was ... well, immense. And as might be expected, the first person I became involved with—Valerie I might mention— became a strong focus for me and my emotions. And of course the fact that she is a user and manipulator didn't help. So when that relationship ended I found myself extremely leery of any sexual entanglements. In fact, I am still extremely leery.
"So now I am involved with Nika," Arden said with a soft, happy grin. It eased the dour lines of his face and made him look younger. It suited him. "My emotional make-up is one of wariness. I don't know what will happen, and if I examine the situation objectively i imagine that what will happen will be bad. However, that won't stop me from enjoying what I have for as long as I can.
"If tomorrow Nika comes and tells me that she doesn't want to see me anymore, I'll be hurt, sure," Arden said. "But it’s what I expect. That is what will happen eventually." He shrugged. "Until then I am fine with the way things are.
"I understand that you are concerned about the emotional well being of our family," Arden said. "And I appreciate that. But I think your warnings really aren't necessary. But for the moment let's assume that they are." Arden sipped his drink. "Suppose I am head over heels involved with Nika. That I don't have a breath without thinking of her. What could I, or you, or her, do about that?"
I'd taken the glass he'd given me and when he was done explaining, I downed the vodka in one go to give myself time to think. The vodka was a good one, smooth and strong, and it warmed the back of my throat going down. Arden had it right: there wasn’t anything I could do about his heart or his relationship. So why the hell am I sitting in the med bay drinking his booze and prying into his affairs? I sat a moment, waiting for the glow of the vodka to hit my stomach. When it did, it spread beautifully through my gut—like I said, it was a good vodka. Thus fortified, I answered him.
“Nothing, really. And while I know you may not think so, Arden, knowing your friends have your back at a time like this makes a big difference. I don’t know if you’ve ever had that kind of solidarity before, but take it from me—don’t turn it down when it’s offered. Human beings are social animals, Arden, no matter what you’ve been taught to believe. Without others to connect to, we don’t thrive. We can survive alone, don’t get me wrong, but isolated we end up twisted and broken.”
I sighed.
“You know by now that eloquence is Christian’s specialty, not mine. Neither is tact. But I swear to you, you and Nika and Christian and Rick are my family now. I've fought to protect my family. I’ve even killed for it. I’ve had to live without it, and believe me, life is better with it, no matter how many entanglements it entails.”
You’ve said enough. It’s time to go.
I rose.
“I won’t pry between you and Nika, Arden. As you reminded me, it’s your business, not mine. I get that. But when you break it off with her and if you need someone to talk to, look me up.” I gave him back his glass. “I’ll have the vodka ready.”
Arden laughed as he took the glass, saying, "Rina.... again I think you misunderstand. The very fact that you came to me with your concerns, and you've apparently already had your say with Nika is wonderful. As I told Nika back on her world, surrounded by cattle and what all, I think being in a family is great! And having y'all: Nika, Christian, Rick, and you are the best. One couldn't ask for a nicer bunch of brothers and sisters."
Arden took a final sip of vodka.
"And I would kill for you as well," he said softly, and then as if to himself, "And it may yet come to that." Louder, "I appreciate your concern and your care or love or whatever you want to call it. It means everything to me being who I am."
And as I turned to go, I heard him say, "And if you ever want to talk about the mysterious past to someone who has no connection to it, I’m here. You can tell me anything and I will keep it in confidence."
I stood on the threshold with my hand on the latch and debated what to tell him. Talk to me, Nika once said when I was alone and hurting. And: Hell, woman, if you won’t tell us now, you ain’t ever gonna. It was good advice and over the past few months circumstances conspired to make me open up and spill my secrets. First with Nika, and more recently with Christian. And now it was Arden’s turn. What I said to him about having family at your back applied doubly to me, I knew, and I wasn’t unaware which of us two needed family more.
I leaned against the door and crossed my arms and looked him in the eye.
“I can’t tell you everything, but I can tell you this. I’m wanted in certain circles as a Browncoat war criminal. Mike and I have a past that dates from the War and because of him, I’ve been places…been people…and done things I can never reveal to anyone, not even in confession. I don’t regret it, because I believe to my core that it was the right thing to do. But it didn’t come without a price. My family thinks I’m dead and I had to cut ties with everyone I knew to protect them. After the war, I found a new crew, made them my family, made their ship my home…and I had to leave them to keep them safe. And here I am, starting from scratch again and I…,” I swallowed hard, my throat suddenly tight. “I can’t lose all of you too, Arden. I can’t do it anymore. I’ve lost too much. So if I seem overly concerned with your well-being, you know why.”
"Sounds like you and I are opposite sides of the same coin," Arden said. "I haven't been anywhere and haven't done anything." He grinned to show that he was joking. "Know that I have your back too, Rina. If you need me... for anything," and he winked though his tone was completely serious, "I will be there. You just let me know what I can do for you."
“I will.” Touched by his offer, my throat tightened further. Now it really was time to go. I’d burdened him enough with my confidences. He didn’t need the additional burden of tears. “And I meant what I said about the vodka. It’s not doing any good just sitting in the bottle. If you’re ever in the mood for a drink, you know where to find me.”
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