Executive Decision

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WHO: Nika and Joshua
WHERE: Bridge
WHEN: 21 September, 2520


Joshua walked down the corridor, the sound of Arden and Shepherd Faria discussing existential philosophy echoing behind him. Somehow, Joshua had managed to get the Shepherd settled in his stateroom despite what had been an effectively non-stop conversation between the two. With that finished, he didn't want to take part in a debate that would eventually focus on his soul or lack there of. He wasn't in the mood and was pretty sure he would get more than enough of that during the trip to Blue Sun. He decided to head for the bridge. He needed Nika's advice anyway and she was probably there taking refuge from the increasing loudness of the conversation. If she was nice, she'd let him hide with her.

He did a quick double knock on the closed door to the bridge and without waiting for a response, opened the door and ducked inside.

Glancing back as the door opened, Nika appeared apprehensive until she identified Joshua. Then she settled back down into her customary slouch, gesturing for him to take a seat in the co-pilot's chair. "Close the door behind you," she instructed him quietly. It's rare that she actually closes the hatch to the bridge, but today? Clearly she doesn't want to hear what's going on down in the common area either. Even her empty coffee cup hasn't driven her out of her sanctuary during that debate.

"I know," he said as he shut the door behind him. He sat himself down in the chair and out of habit, checked her cup, saw it was empty, and filed a mental note to get her some more afterwards. He really had adapted to the steward thing, it seemed.

"It's odd but for all the things that went well with the Borderland Express Incident..." He started ticking them off his fingers. "We gained a ship, solved our Mary and Annie problem, rescued a bunch of innocent people, and managed to do it all without getting anyone killed. Heck, I even got my clothes back. Those other ones didn't fit well." He shook his head for a minute, focusing himself back onto his point, as rambling as it was. "But my point is the best thing for me was that it distracted me and kept me from being depressed about my lack of soul." He thought he saw Nika's eyes narrow at him and hastily interjected, "*potential* lack of soul."

He pointed towards the door, "Arden and the Shepherd are not exactly helping me keep my mind off of it."

"Shepherds tend to have a narrow view of the Verse, in my opinion," Nika tells him finally. "I don't think it's up to them to decide who has a soul and who doesn't. A soul is simply the force, the energy inside you that makes you live. Makes you sentient. Makes you ... you." She looks at him. "I realize you don't feel like you know who 'you' are, but that doesn't mean the inner 'you' doesn't exist, and I can't help gettin' angry that you feel like you even have to question that. But it's a conclusion you'll have to draw for yourself. For what it's worth to you... //I// will always have faith in you."

She looks back at her consoles, ceasing her gentle nagging and using the time to double-check their heading. Without the Cortex, it requires more of her attention... and in some ways, she feels more in control of the ship. The run out to Blue Sun brings other thoughts and worries to the fore of her mind, though. Things that make her just a bit restless.

"Thank you." Joshua said quietly. He watched Nika work as he thought about the whole Shepherd business. He was oddly less worried about the soul thing than he had been. Less thinking and more doing really *had* been good for him. But it was comforting to know Nika had so much faith in him. In the silence, Nika seemed slightly out of sorts. Maybe he could turn it around and help her with something for once. "Credit for your thoughts, Nika? Be warned, I don't actually have a credit."

Slanting a glance at him, Nika smiled faintly. "Not sure they're worth a fraction of that," she admitted. To give herself a little time to sort through what she might want to say to the man, she fiddled with the sensors for a moment and adjusted a couple of things in her console that didn't really need to be touched. "Considering all we've been through recently, I'm not... exactly comfortable with the fact that the Shepherd wanted us armed. I'm not as comfortable letting him aboard without checking his baggage, either." Though she's the one who argued that we've never searched our passengers before and we weren't going to start with a man Rick was vouching for. It could be a mistake, and it's weighing on her. But the truth of the matter is perhaps more personal. "Blue Sun is a tough run for me."

There was a long pause as she sorted through her thoughts and struggled with what to say, what not to say, how much is too much to say. "I told you that my 'other' family is out there," she finally said. "When we left Miranda, they were with us, but they stayed to help. One of them was hurt. Bad. Burned and comatose and in need of specialists and rehab. And since then, I've had... unfinished personal things." Her tone is neutral, but there is a wealth of emotion behind it.

As she mentioned the baggage, Joshua raised his eyebrows a bit. The baggage had started the long thought process about his powers that had led him here to Nika. "About the baggage, hold on to that thought...it was sort of what brought me to see you. But it can wait." He leaned over and in a little closer, being careful not to crowd her personal space. "I'll understand if you don't know me well enough, but I'd like to hear more about these personal things. You hide it well, Nika, but I don't need to read you to tell that you've got things that are hovering over you. I'd like to be someone you could talk to. It'd be the least I could do." It really would - he owed them more than he could express.

Nika scooted about uncomfortably in her chair, her brows pulling together a little. "The man who was hurt... Brian." She scratched the back of her head. "I ran from them a couple years ago. I'd ... " She hesitated. "My dad died unexpectedly. And when I went home, some pretty nasty things were going down with my twin and her first husband. I wound up killin' him," she finally said in a voice laced heavily with the accent that inevitably gives away her agitation. "I didn't really know how to deal with it all, and insteada goin' back to //Harbinger//, I ran away. And I didn't go back in a timely fashion." The last was said very dryly. "So ... when we went to Miranda and rescued the Harbinger's crew, I had the time to square things with Shyla and Harry, but.... Brian wasn't going to leave Miranda with us. Not unless I was coming home again."

She looked toward the porthole, still with the crease between her brows. "They stayed in Blue Sun, and Brian was still unconscious. Part of me feels guilty that I didn't stay... and going out there makes me want to seek them out. Tell the man that I've figured out .... that it's not as simple as I always thought. That I was stupid. That I love his idiot ass." She grinned a little. "But the other parts of me are... pretty well terrified that he's gonna pitch me out on my ass for abandoning him while he was hurt. Or... something." She shrugged and looked back at him. "And the more pragmatic parts of me realize the possibility of seein' all of 'em is pretty small anyway and demands to know why the gorram hell I'm worryin' about it."

He put his hand on her shoulder and looked directly into her eyes. "Screw pragmatism. Seek him out. Tell him what you've figured out. Tell him that you love him. If you love him, all things will work themselves out from there, Nika." Maybe he was too idealistic for the harshness of the real world. He didn't care.

"You're worrying about it because it matters, because it is worth caring about, worth fighting for." The words came spiraling out of him in a rush, surprising him with their intensity. "When we live in a 'Verse where people can sell other people into slavery, governments repress freedom, and corporations manufacture individuals for their greedy goals, love is the most important thing we have, Nika. Fight for it. I know the rest of the crew would be right there behind you because you'd be right there behind them."

He stopped and sat back, a little embarrassed at the rush of out-of-control emotions.

Startled by his sudden, intense look, Nika pulled back a little. "It's not exactly as simple as all that," she commented mildly. "Though /if/ we manage to run into them, I have every intention of settin' things to rights." Somehow. She's no clue how, but... it is going to need to be done eventually. And perhaps on some levels she, too, was embarrassed. Her personal business wasn't necessarily something she was comfortable giving a whole lot of conversation to. Settling herself back in her chair, she cleared her throat. "I reckon it's been long enough at this point that a while longer ain't going to change much about the situation. It'll work out the way it's meant to."

He nodded. "Yes it will." He sat there in silence for a minute. They both seemed comfortable with the quiet anyway. Finally, he shifted his seat a little and started the conversation he had intended to have when he took shelter on the bridge. "On to some ship business and some advice, Captain." The corner of his mouth went up in a bit of a smile. He knew what Nika would think of that. "Do you mind if I come at it the long way around? Some explanation might help make my dilemma a little clearer."

There was a soft snort. "Those people nominate me captain when they think it best suits 'em to dodge a question," Nika complained good-naturedly. "But shoot. If I have an answer, I'll give it." She pivoted her seat so she could give him her full attention, clearly grateful that it's a topic less personal.

"When I was without my drugs, and the crew wanted to know how Reading worked, I think I explained that I couldn't read people but at a casual level." He winced a little as he said it. "That's not completely true."

He worked through the progression in his head. "Normally, I just use body language - the same sort of cues that Christian might have used - to determine what a person is like, what their intentions are. If that doesn't work..." He paused and put his forefingers to his temples, one on each side. "If I was suspicious, I could choose to read them, and almost always I just get surface thoughts, like dipping your toe into a lake. Just enough to get wet." He then put his hands together, one rubbing the other. It felt strange to talk about reading to someone.

"But I can read deeper if I choose and look for thoughts and feelings buried deep within someone. Like diving into the lake in search of something." He forced his hands to stay still before he rubbed a hole in his palm and looked at Nika to see her reaction. "Do you follow so far?"

Nika was quiet as he talked, but her gaze focused sharply on him, laser-bright. "I follow," she replied in a mild tone belied by the intensity of those crystal blue eyes. There was a kind of tension coiled through her muscles, as if she's perhaps bracing for what he'll say next.

"You have to understand, this was all on mission. Human Resources instructed me what I needed to do and expected me to do whatever was necessary to do it." It had gotten hotter in the room, he felt, and wiped his forehead with his brow. "Even then, I had my own rule. Never with friends or family. Not that I had family. I used it once on a friend. Never again." He paused. Damn Adriana. He still hurt thinking about her. It shouldn't be that way. But it was.

"So, that brings us to the actual point." And he motioned back away from the bridge. "Arden's argument about the suitcases got me to wondering. What's my responsibility to the crew to use my powers to keep us safe? I don't know where to draw the line."

Nika's mouth firmed. It's probably the sternest look he's ever seen on her. And she pivoted her seat to look toward the porthole while she considered the situation. She was quiet for a //long// time, working through the ramifications of everything he'd said.

When she finally spoke again, there was a distinct lack of any hint of the Border accent to her speech. "You are not expected to ... delve into the minds of every person we take on board. If there is ever a time when something strikes you as off, especially with the way the Verse is at this moment... I expect that you talk to me about your suspicions immediately so we can determine what to do." She paused a moment, debating the matter, and finally turned those eyes back to him. "In the case where either you determine on your own that there is an imminent issue presenting itself or lacking the ability to get to me in a timely fashion, I expect that you do whatever is necessary to protect yourself and the people on this boat to the best of your ability, Joshua. If that means invading someone's privacy to verify that they are or are not a threat? So be it. But if you make the call without talking to me about it beforehand, be able to back the call with behaviors or actions that any //reasonable// person -- and Rina does not count -- would consider worthy of suspicion. Okay?"

He involuntarily snapped straight up and nodded quickly. "I understand. Also, you may want to lump Arden in with Rina. As of late." And she said she wasn't the captain...

He started to get up from his seat, then paused and sat back down again. He looked at her, frowning in concentration. He needed to get this right, made sure she understood, but he wasn't sure his words were up to the job. "You can trust me never to read you or yours and not to abuse my ability. I know it scares you that I might. Reading is something I was made to do, but it isn't who I am. I don't want you to think less of me for it." He had thought there would be more, but those few sentences seemed enough.

Nika's gaze never left his face, but her expression eased. "It never crossed my mind that you would do that," she corrected him gently. It has taken time, but it's finally occurred to Nika to wonder about the innate talents of one Yu-Shin Harrington now that the fact that Readers really do exist has come to her attention. She trusts that woman -- and Christian, who reads body language to nearly as good an effect -- with her life. "You've already shown the kind of man you are simply by your actions." And it really was that simple for her. The possibility existed that he was a sleeper -- that he would betray them. But she offered her trust anyway.

He shook his head in disbelief, chuckling under his breath. "I continue to be amazed at how lucky I've been, Nika. I think if it had been anyone else on the Trafalgar, I'd be dead by now. Somehow, I managed to stumble into a crew that not only shelters a clueless, soullless drugged up reader who has the most powerful force in the Verse after him, but also against all common sense, trusts him with their safety." He grew quiet briefly and when he spoke again, his voice was softer and more serious. "I've said it before to you but I want to say it again. Not even because you need to hear it again, but maybe because I need to. There is nothing that you and the rest of the crew cannot ask of me. Make sure to use that. The Shepherd may not have me, but I can make my own repentance."

With a faint smile, Nika looked back toward the viewport. "Chalk it up to temporary insanity on our part, I guess. We struggle, Joshua, to not let what we've seen turn us into people only out for ourselves. It would be easy to do -- look at how things are shifting out there even now. Look at how being betrayed has already changed Arden." She looked at him, letting him see the somberness in those blue eyes, the drawl still very much not in evidence. "Have no doubt that if it turns out you're deliberately betraying us I will not hesitate to put a bullet in your brain and leave your corpse floating in the Black. But I'd like you to note the use of the word 'deliberately.' Because that's what it would take."

"What happens if it is unintentional? What happens if somewhere unseen, Blue Sun flips a switch and something they did to my brain kicks in and I become dangerous to you? When it is proven that I'm a machine to be turned on and off?" Joshua looked at her, his tone uncertain. "Will you pull the trigger then?" He didn't know what he expected or wanted her answer to be. He just knew he had been thinking about the possibility ever since Shepherd Faria had suggested Blue Sun manufactured him.

As she studied him, Nika simply shook her head. "The same questions exist for Arden too, Joshua. He's a clone. He doesn't know why, but he's very different than the others of his kind. You have become one of ours -- the only way I could see myself shooting you would be in the instance that your betrayal was clearly and unequivocally deliberate. Or, you know, if you turned Reaver or something." She smiled faintly at him. "But you're not responsible for what people may have implanted in your head while you were still a child. So no. I would not pull the trigger unless I had no other options."

He nodded, a little uncertainly. "I'd understand if you did, though."

"Ain't gonna happen," Nika said firmly.

He sat there quietly thinking about what he remembered from Blue Sun, wondering if he was just looking for something to worry about. After a couple of minutes, he decided he wasn't doing himself any good thinking about it and he stood up, reaching over Nika to grab her empty coffee cup. "I think I'll fill this for you and get out of your hair before you decide to shoot me in the here and now to restore your pre-Joshua peace." A little half-smile. "And I'd understand that too," he said as he made his way to the bridge door.

With a roll of her eyes, Nika turned over the coffee cup and murmured, "Much obliged." And then she grinned a cheeky, almost flirtatious grin at him as he ducked out. "Darlin, if you were annoyin' me, you'd know it already," she promised.

"Everyone keeps *saying* that..." he muttered to himself as he opened the bridge door and walked out, slowly closing the door behind him leaving Nika in silence once more.

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