Get Out Of Your Own Way
Aesir bound, late afternoon...
Get Out Of Your Own Way
'Bout gone on long enough, Kiera thought to herself. She's done come backslap beat up, spend too damn much time alone and is turning gray around the gills. I know depression. Time to step in. She sighed, gathered her thoughts and some cookies and coffee and ventured onto the bridge.
"Will you stop making Joshua sulk woman?" she announced, striding in.
Nika didn't turn when the door opened, but Kiera's words and her tone made the blonde look over her shoulder and blink, befuddled. "What?" What'd she do now??
Kiera settled into the co-pilot's chair with a twitch of her lips. "He's all hang-doggie. Slinking around, doubting his abilities to brain-screw people, trying to be all touchy-feely with everybody else to compensate." She poured a mug of coffee and handed that and a cookie to Nika.
"Because of you. Cus' you won't be nice and get all happy again for him." Kiera poured herself a cup of fresh, liquid caffeine and kicked back in the chair. "Now me, I know that sometimes you need to sink into Hell nd wallow in it to get your head straight. Roll in your own misery until you're just pickled inside with self-loathing."
She let the last sentence linger as she took a sip and then fixed Nika with a green stare. "But your skin is graying, you're upsetting Arden and Joshua, and although I know you and Rina have this thing about beating each other senseless, it's gone a little far now. So?" And she blinked with a tiny frown and waited.
A single brow arched upward. Nika took the coffee and the cookie, settled back in her chair, and eyed the redhead. "Really." Her tone is dry. Almost amused. "I didn't beat up on Rina this time, thanks so much for your vote of confidence."Evidenced by the fact that only her own hands are bandaged and she's not got any other bruises. "So what is it you want outta me?" she asks mildly.
"Nothing. Just wanting to know that you're ok. And waiting for you to give me the lip service that you're fine. You know the routine." She smiled with amusement, but little warmth. "The 'Are you ok,' 'Yes, I'm fine," thing. Where I feign interest in your well-being and you lie outright to make me go away. And then I go away and fret about someone I care about, let it really bother me, and then in a fit of helpless pique, shoot some innocent bad guy in the head. You keep flying and letting whatever it is bother you and then in a fit of pique, leave the ship and run away from your problem or smash us into the nearest asteroid because you're so distracted by whatever's in your head." Kiera shrugged."Or you could tell me what's on your mind."
Nika was forced to laugh. She couldn't help it. They were still a day or so out from Aesir and part of her was looking forward to seeing Jake's family. "I ain't sayin' I'm fine. Got a lot on my mind," she admitted to Kiera. "Ain't a damn thing anyone seems to be able to help with, so there ain't no reason to keep harpin' on it."
"Ok then." Kiera took another sip of coffee and looked out at the Black. "Well, can I unload about something that's been eating me?"
"Sure," Nika replied, although her tone was cautious.
Kiera wiggled to get more comfortable in the chair. "So. . .I miss my dad," she began. Giving an eye to watch Nika's expression, she continued quietly, "It sounds really dumb, knowing him. But I do. I mean, I never did stop loving him, but he and I, we're like fire and ice. No way to talk, no way to really understand one another. But I love him. Can't do anything but." She sighed and took another drink of coffee. "Please don't judge. I know he can be a monster. In fact, in the same way Joshua's mother was. Trying to manipulate their kids by whatever means possible to make them succeed. It worked on my brother. Damn well off in Osiris' government. I'd be in a position like that too if I'da listened to him.
Her eyes grew soft, reflective. "I started to rebel early. I was the apple of his eye, you know. But I couldn't take the pressure of always achieving everything to the level he wanted. It was one lower grade one time and then not making first chair in the orchestra, one thing or another that made him give me that look. The one of disappointment. I couldn't take that look, Nika. That I'd failed to be what he knew I could be. I could have done what my brother did. Try harder, give more. But that wasn't me. I had to have control. Like Dad. Of myself. I couldn't admit that I was afraid that I couldn't do better so I chose the lower road. I did worse.
“It maybe wasn't the way to go. It's not served me well. I've spent a long time running from those decisions, running back into them to make ones that were even worse. And yet, inside, I'm not better and I'm not in control. I'm well and damned to mess up whatever situation I'm in. Until you guys. And I almost destroyed the love you guys had for me and did destroy your ship. Because deep inside, I knew that I would make the wrong decision, mess up. So why not do it early and make you guys loathe me like I loathed myself. And all because I couldn't measure up to JJ Sullivan's love and pride. Stupid huh? And now I'm stuck missing the bastard. Ironic." She took a cookie and bit into it.
"Now you can tell me what an idiot I am," she stated after swallowing.
"Already did that. Back when," Nika said mildly, sipping from her coffee cup. Her deep blue eyes are pensive as she looks out at the Black. "Joshua thinks I'm trying to be perfect or some such horse manure," she finally says. "Thing is, I'm about as far from perfect as a body gets. What I am is someone who hates the kind of ambiguity that the rest of you seem to thrive in and expect from everyone. It makes my head hurt to try and think about all the worst-case scenarios. And it makes my stomach clench to not have a clear path."
"Hmmm." Kiera kept her eyes on the Black, nodding. "Ever thought that the reason that the answer isn't clear is that you don't have all the information, Nika? You're demanding an answer that the Universe ain't gonna give you yet. Or you're trying to bull your way through the Universe to make a clear path you understand. And it ain't the right path. Cus' you're so damn certain that you need to be going forward somewhere and doing something that you haven't paused long enough to know that you're going North when you really oughta be going South.”
Tilting her head at the pilot, she continued, “Sometimes Nika, you just stop and let the Universe talk to you. It ain't gonna talk to you if you're always running at lightspeed. Always trying to set it right. It's a big place. You can get lost trying to fixit and you sure as hell can go mad trying to second-guess it." She turned to look at Nika in the face, solemn and sincere. "I couldn't operate on people if I stopped and worried about all the worst-case scenarios. I also don't have the luxury of a computer printout on the poor sod I'm working on. Sometimes you just trust in your abilities and your own judgment. And you accept that sometimes you fail. You're gonna fail Nika. And we'll be there to watch it. And it's okay. We'll still love you." Her lips twisted into a wry smile. "Maybe. I mean, I've never, ever lost a patient.” And taking another sip of coffee, she let her eyes twinkle over the rim of her cup.
Glancing at the red head, Nika shrugged. "We've run hell-bent through the Verse flyin' blind for a long time now," she told Kiera. Her deep blue eyes turned back to the Black. "Doubt it'll change anytime soon, so ain't no point in belly achin' all the time about it. Already done enough of that. Ain't gotten me anywhere." She absently flexed the broken hand, wincing slightly."All y'all are so busy tryin' to get into my gorram head, I'm startin' to feel like I'm under a microscope."
"Can't say that we don't love you lady," came the quick retort. "Could just left you in bed. Instead we smack you around and annoy you to death." She grinned."I want you to note that I brought cookies.”
Nika was glad Joshua wasn't around. The constant feeling of pressure was not being helped by the well-meaning intersession of her friends. "I appreciate that y'all care and want to make things better, Kiera." There was a long pause. "I just don't know that this is something I can be cajoled out of. I fully comprehend that this is mostly in my head. It isn't like I'm not aware of what I'm doing." She looked down at the hand wrapped in bandages. "Maybe when we get off the ship on Aesir, things'll look brighter." She couldn't go far enough to think they'd be brighter.
"I'm not so innocent to think that'd a talk to me cure you. I just want you to know I care." Kiera smiled. "A lifetime of being you won't be cured in one spectacular talk with me."
Nika shot her a dirty look."A lifetime of being me?" she queried, her tone just as snooty as Kiera's can sometimes be. "I don't even think you have a clue what a lifetime of bein' me entails, my dear."
"Don't wanna. Cus' you ain't finished yet with yourself." She put down her cup. "Nika, I do care about you. I would do almost anything you ask and follow you almost anywhere. But you know that. Guess I just wanted to make sure that I believed that you knew it."
Dropping her head back onto the seat, Nika shook it slightly in the negative. "Guess I figured that out when you went out of your way to find new eyes, Kiera," she told the other woman wearily. "I just... had a lot of time while I couldn't do much to think about what's going on around us. What's going on with us. And I ...don't like what I'm seeing." She paused and looked at the redhead."Y'all asked me if we're in the military. And I told each of you to make your choices." She smiled just a little, letting Kiera see the worry and uncertainty. "I'm not even sure I've picked mine yet, y'know?"
Kiera looked at Nika level and expressionless. "Why do ya gotta pick a side when you don't feel like you have all the info? I'm not committed yet."
"Because now that we've got a full-on war going on around us, Kiera, not picking one side or the other is just as much a choice as pickin' one. The Alliance must be stood against. There are two options -- go it with the Independents, who at least have a full movement going on, which gives us some chance of makin' the changes that need made. Or go it alone, as we have. Where we do lots of great things in the small picture, but we're insignificant and useless in the big one." She paused and admitted, "Feelin' insignificant and useless is pretty much what's got my undies in a wad. I feel that way all the gorram time now."
The doctor rolled her eyes with shake of her head. "Because you are thinking too broad. You need smaller aspirations, Nika Earhart. The vastness of the problem is bigger than us all. You are going to drive yourself mad trying to wrap yourself around it. Stop trying to fix the damn Universe and breathe for a minute. You have a place in it. And it ain't as cannon fodder for either side. You need to stop and analyze what will get you into the vanguard of the movement, find a way to become one of the deciders who guide the changes. There isn't a promise that the Independents will win. One battle doesn't make the war. You need to sit and think about what will happen if either side wins, figure out what you will feel and how you will deal with it. Then figure out what you can do and who you need to be to be a force for good with that government. Find a way to be their conscience. 'Cus you ain't gonna be nothing but a tiny splot against the vastness that is a galaxy at war."
She refilled her cup and offered Nika a refill also. "Do you even know who the big bosses are in the Independence movement? Unless you have their ear, they ain't gonna do nothing but thank you for your service and send you home with a medal. You will stay tiny and feel tiny until you identify your target and make a plan to get to them. Who is running this war, Nika?"
Now that was a viewpoint Nika wasn't sure she could refute. And it wasn't all blowing smoke up he rbehind about how great she was, which lent it some credibility. She was quiet for a long time. "I'll think on that matter some," she promised slowly.
Kiera chuckled softly."Good. At least you won't be beating yourself up about feeling like a one-legged son of a bitch in a butt-kickin' contest. You can change the world one person at a time, Nika. And that's good enough for me. But you have a bigger destiny. And it's calling your name. Think on how you need to answer it." She rose out of the co-pilot's chair with a grin. "I'll leave the cookies and the last of the coffee. Chewing on cookies is a nice way to figure things out." She went to the door and then paused. "You've met a lot of people in your lifetime, Nika. They all seem to have connections. Maybe instead of running and leaving them behind, you need to go back and reconnect with those relationships. They all seem to be big pieces in this puzzle that you keep trying to solve. Just a thought."
As the redhead left the bridge, Nika's brows pulled pensively in over her nose. She nibbled on a cookie, lost in thought.
Go to Nika's Crew Page or Kiera's Crew Page
Go back to: Season Six, Aug 2522 to May 2523
Go to EPISODES or TIMELINE
