Hell Is Hazel Blue

In which Steve really sinks the knife into Rina. Heh. I can't wait to see how it all turns out.--Maer

Tuesday, 08 Feb 2524
Ark ship Amenoukihashi

Kolya. Dear God but I thought I'd never see him again.

I wasn't kind to him when we'd fought unaware of each other. Or I should say, when I'd fought unaware of him. He'd recognized me first and surrendered. There was no reason for an Elect to give up in battle, not when he had the advantage over unarmed little me. But when we stormed our guards, he'd given up without much of a fight. Suspecting a trick, I'd nevertheless took the opportunity given and in the heat of the moment, it was only the fact that his armor protected him from his weapons that Kolya was not now a corpse dead by my hand before I'd realized who I had.

Not now a corpse, perhaps. But how long does he have left?

Because he did not look good. I'd kept a hand on him all the way to our bivouac, praying the contact would reawaken his memories of me and his life before Anna ruined him. Hope made me soar inside, even as pessimism weighed me down. There was only one way to find out how far gone Kolya really was and sitting on my ass resting wasn't going to get it done. I waited until Joshua had dropped off to sleep before I levered up and went to Kolya. We'd made him as comfortable as we could with our limited resources and I approached slowly, kept my hands in sight, and my voice low.

"Kolya. Eto ya, Irina." I knelt and caressed his cheek to get him to look at me. "Vy menya slyshite?"

---

Nikolai stirred a bit, groaning slightly, a servo in his leg whirred slightly but he didn't try to rise. His voice was raspy, but by Arden's orders they hadn't fed or given him drink, who know what they fed him? His eyes fluttered for a moment, then opened, they were not focused, one eye seemed lazy, the other fixed. The lazy eye rolled about and eventually synced up with the stable one. Then he turned his whole head to look at Rina. "Go away dream. You're not my sister. Even if you are."

---

I watched as his gaze wandered before fixing on me. His eyes were still that beautiful hazeled blue-green but I struggled to find the brother I knew who lived behind them, even as he struggled to speak. And when he spoke, he only confirmed something I'd carried silently all the way from Sihnon.

You should have gone home sooner. It's your fault he's here now. Dying.

I kept my hand on his cheek, needing to maintain that contact while I pulled myself together.

"Izvenitieh. Nyet. I'm staying right here. So deal with it." I gripped his face and gave it a gentle shake. "Govniuk."

---

"Well, for a dream, you're a better one than usual. So I suppose it is all good." He winces a bit. "Where's the corpsman with our meds?" He looked around a bit and frowned sensing something wasn't right.

---

"Not here. I'm all you got." No point in sugarcoating it. "What do you need? What meds?" Oh, that's brillliant. How the hell would he know? He's got an automatic delivery system sticking out of his neck. "Are you in any pain? I could ask Arden to give you something. Are you thirsty? Water?"

---

He seems confused by the situation, he tries to stand up, but only manages to sit up. He uses his half covered hand to touch his forehead, and then he looks around, acknowledging the other crew members suspiciously, patting his empty holster noting his weapons are gone, then he squints at Rina, as though he were trying to put her voice together with her face. Struggling for words he manages only "как?" (How?)

---

My face. Of course... I cursed myself for an idiot. Mother had recognized me immediately but a mother would always recognize her child's voice. Instinct, perhaps. Kolya, however, had no such advantage. Neither had the rest of my family. I sighed and tried to put it in simple terms.

"I've been hiding, Kolya. Changed my face. My name. So they couldn't find me and drag me back. But I went back anyway. Looking for you and Mama and Papa and everyone. To get you out." I gentled my hand on his cheek, even as my voice went thin with remorse and broke. "I'm sorry I was late. Prosti menya, Kolya," I begged. "Prosti menya. Pozhaluĭsta, prostite menya."

---

"Koyla" He repeated as if he were grasping at a faint memory. His left leg convulsed again with another whirr of servo motors. He smacked his fist into his thigh three times, until the convulsions died down. "Rina. Alive." He breathed heavily. "Mama.... Sa..ashasha....alive?" He stuttered.

---

"Da." God but it was hard to keep it together. I managed. Just. "Yes. They're alive. I brought them all out." Not quite a lie but not entirely the truth either. Sasha had gone back to the Enclave to expose Anna. The fact that Anna was here argued he'd been successful. Whether the price for success had been his life or not, I did not know. A detail I would keep from my youngest brother until I could confirm it. "They're out of the Core. Safe. I'm taking you home to them."

A truth. A possible lie. An absolute vow.

---

He managed a smile, and held it for a moment, then he seemed to struggle with some pain, and his faced screwed up a bit. He bit on his lip until blood started to show at the corners of his mouth. "Stop it! проклятие!" His fists clenched and pounded on the pallet under him.

---

"Nikolai Feodorovich. Chto eto takoe? Chto ne tak?" I had my suspicions but I felt it more important to keep him talking. The more he spoke, the more he seemed to come out of the fog. I was flying blind, not being a doctor, but I had to try. I cupped his face with both hands and repeated my question. "What is it? What's wrong?"

---

He had trouble making eye contact and growled slightly. "Nothing. Everything. The pain isn't working, the thoughts are coming back." He started crying. "They're not my thoughts, I don't want them. Don't make me think them!"

---

"Shhhh, moĭ brat. Give them to me. I'll take them. Tell me and I'll take them. Da?" I had no idea what I was doing and ran on instinct. I was doing that a lot these days. It occurred to me that I should have Joshua here but I suspected that whatever he'd glean from my brother's thoughts would be ... horrific. I didn't have the right to inflict that on my husband. So I smoothed my hands gently over Kolya's shaved head, trying to offer him the comfort of touch. "Tell me."

---

"I could forgive what they did to my body Rina. The pain, and the alien feels, I could forgive them that. But they've carved out a part of my mind, and filled it with.. .with blackness, horror,... " He began to shake a little. "..I am afraid, I'm afraid of myself, this thing in me, this monster they've Made Of Me!" His voice was rising to a crescendo. "I shouldn't be alive."

---

"Nyet! Nikogda ne govorite etogo! Nikogda!" I grabbed his armored shoulders and shook him despite myself, incensed even as I cried for him. Tears poured hotly down my face and they made my voice rough. "Never say that. You are Russian, Kolya. You are Tigranov. We never give up."

I released him and rocked back on my heels. Got a grip on my emotions and said, quiet but fierce:

"But it's okay to ask for help. So. Let me help you. Tell me what you remember."

---

Nikolai began to rock back in forth mimicking an infant. "No don't want to... leave them just leave them.... crush their skulls... no.. just leave... lost.... orders.. . shrapnel wounds... find them, hiding hiding... " He was crying as a spoke but a grin began to form on his face.

---

My skin started to crawl even as hope stirred anew inside. If I could bring him all the way back ...

"Vy s nyeĭ borotʹsya. Pinok yego zadnitsu." I kept up the Russian, hoping it would help him find himself again, trying to give him that lifeline. "Fight it, Kolya. Kick its ass. Ponimatʹ?"

I shifted my grip to his hands and hauled upward as I rose, trying to get him on his feet. If he was going out, better for his pride he went out standing, defiant, than lying in a puddle on the deck.

---

His grin didn't fade, it took on a feral sinister and disturbing quality. He gripped at Rina's arm with an inhuman strength. "I will kill you all, or you will kill me and then I will kill you. hee hee... we all die. ALL DIE." The rest of what he said was incomprehensible. Then he used his mechanical hand to pinch at his other arm, his face contorting in pain. "This isn't me. I don't want this..." He looked at Rina pleading with his eyes. "You've got to end this Rina. End this." He dropped his eyes and sat back down his head in his hands.

---

No. God in Heaven, no.

He was too heavy to hold up and slipped from my grasp. His words, his eyes skewered me to the deck and in my heart of hearts, I knew what he was asking, even as my head denied it tooth and nail. My hand found my pistol before I realized it and I froze with it halfway drawn. I couldn't breathe. I had to get out of there. Then his eyes dropped, releasing me. Lip trembling, shaking my head, I shoved my pistol home and stepped back. One step, then another. When I was sure he wouldn't look up and trap me again, I turned and ran, thinking only to remove the temptation to let him kill me in expiation of my sin of being too late, of the urge to do the merciful thing and drill him between his beautiful hazel blue eyes.

I glanced back and saw him staring at the deck, a wreck of what he once was. But his eyes stayed with me.

HOW TO SPEAK RUSSIAN

Kolya. Eto ya, Irina. Vy menya slyshite? = Коля. Это я, Ирина. Вы меня слышите? = Kohl-yah. Eh-tah yah, Ee-ree-nah. Voo men-yah sloo-sheh-teh? = Kolya. It is I, Irina. Can you hear me?Sound clip

Izvinite. Nyet. = Извините. Нет. = Eez-vin-nee-tyeh. Nyet. = Sorry. No. Sound clip

Govniuk = говнюк = Gohv-nyook = Shithead Sound clip

Kak? = Как? = Kahk? = How? sound clip

Prosti menya, Kolya. Pozhaluĭsta, prostite menya. = Прости меня, Коля. Пожалуйста, простите меня. = Proh-stee men-yah, Kohl-yah. Pah-zhahl-loo-stah, proh-steet-tee men-yah. Sound clip

Da. = Да. = Dah = Yes. Sound clip

Proklyatie = проклятие = Prohk-layts-ee-yah = (curse) Sound clip

Chto eto takoe? Chto ne tak? = Что это такое? Что не так? = Chtoh eet-tah tah-koh-yeh? Chtoh nee tahk? Sound clip

moĭ brat = мой брат = moy braht = my brother Sound clip

Nikogda ne govorite etogo! Nikogda! = Никогда не говорите этого! Никогда! = Nee-kog-dah nee gah-voh-reet-syeh eh-toh-vah. Nee-kog-dah! = Never say that! Never! Sound clip

Vy s nyeĭ borotʹsya. Pinok yego zadnitsu. = Вы с ней бороться. Пинок его задницу. = Voy s'nee vuh-roht-sah. Pin-yohk yeh-goh zahd-neet-zoh = You fight it. Kick its ass. Sound clip

Ponimatʹ ? = Понимать? = Poh-nee-matz? = Understand? Sound clip

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Go back to: Season Seven, May 2523 --
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