Shadowboxing, Part 2
Continued from Shadowboxing, Part One
He should've told her to come back in two hours, instead of soon as she finished her shower. He sat on his bunk in the terrycloth robe that he had somehow ended up with from the Borderland Express. His clothes had been sweat soaked and he had run them through the washer, but they were still drying and probably too wet to put on. He looked at the blank walls, as if they had the answer written on them. He stared at the pants from the Alliance uniform. The lack of a shirt could be a problem. Rina's knock on his door startled him out of his thought process and he told her to come in before the thought about being dressed in a robe crossed his mind.
***
During practice I'd noted Joshua still wore the same duds as ever and watching him leave for the showers it occurred to me that he might not have anything clean to change into. I ducked into the laundry area and snagged a shirt I knew was Rick's and went to find him to clear it. Clearance given, I dug out one of my Miranda coveralls I had yet to cut down. Holding it up to my shoulders, I saw the cuffs and hems flopped well past my wrists and ankles. It should do.
When I'd put myself to rights I took both articles of clothing with me to his quarters and saw I'd guessed right. I walked in at his hail and saw him sitting there in one of the robes we'd filched from the Express.
"Here," I said, holding out what I'd brought for him. "I thought maybe you could use these."
***
"Oh, bless you." He took the clothes and sized them up - looked like they would work out pretty well. "If you could maybe, um, turn around, or something?" And he blushed a little. Ta Ma Duh! When was he going to get over that?
***
"Sure thing," I said as I turned around. "And please don't worry about my reputation, okay? For the record, my rep off this ship is I'm a bitch and a hard ass who doesn't like men. People leave me alone so I can do my work and I'm fine with that. On this ship, the crew knows the truth and as far as I'm concerned, the truth can very well stay on this ship. I don't give a good goddamn if Faria thinks I'm a strumpet and a whore if he sees me walking in here. That's not my call. What Faria thinks is Faria's business and he can draw whatever conclusion he wants. Of the two of you, your opinion is the only one that really matters, because of the two of you, you're the one who's family."
God, Joshua. When are you going to get it?
***
He got dressed quickly so Rina wouldn't be standing there staring at the door forever. As he pulled the coveralls on, he said, "You don't think I think bad of you, do you? I just didn't want to cause you any unnecessary trouble. I mean, if we were sleeping together, then let him think what he wanted to think. That'd be our business. But why give you the hassle for something that isn't even happening?" He looked himself up and down. Not the look he was used to, but then again he wasn't the person he had been used to either.
"All done," he said.
***
"You're free to think what you want, Joshua," I said to the door and rolled my eyes. "But since you asked, no, I don't think you do. As for trouble? Trust me, of all the trouble you could assign me, sleeping with you could hardly be classified as trouble." I turned around and looked him up and down. "The color suits you. Brings out your eyes."
***
"Thanks." Joshua motioned for her to have a seat on the bunk as he took a seat in the lone chair. "Honestly, if you asked me, I wouldn't be able to tell you what color my eyes are. Haven't completely adapted to this face being mine forever." What made him a little sad was that he was starting to forget what his actual face looked like. Former face, he thought, correcting himself mentally. His actual face was the one he had now and forever, shall you never be parted, I now pronounce you man and face.
"So, we were talking about the Shepherd and his agenda, right?" Joshua steered the conversation back away from him.
***
His comment stopped me dead in my tracks.
"What do you mean, you don't know what color your eyes were?"
A lightning bolt stabbing my corneas. Pain. Trying to claw my eyes out. Mike holding me down and telling me to breathe.
"What do you mean, you're not adapted to your face?"
'What about my face?' I husked, sucking in air past the pain. 'You gonna rearrange that, too?'
"What the hell did they do to you?" I asked him, my voice small as my memories crowded in close.
***
He tried to step easily through it - Rina sounded upset, maybe more...no, almost certainly more than he was. "It's not a big deal, they've been changing my face around since I was eighteen." His tone was casual and calm as he related the details. "I don't begin to understand the technology, but they could change iris color too. They'd change me, I'd go out on mission, I'd come back. Sometimes they would change me back to my original face, sometimes we'd just go straight to the next one needed."
He shrugged softly and gave his best smile to Rina. "I've probably spent more time with other people's face than my original one, so it's not like I can really miss it." A small lie, perhaps.
"This was the last one I got," he said, motioning his right hand casually over his facial features. "It could be worse. That alliance officer could've been as ugly as sin."
***
I closed my eyes at the sheer violation of it, stricken by how matter-of-factly he'd said it, as if discussing the weather or the price of tea on Sihnon. God, if I ever asked You to give me a more compelling reason to hate everything the Alliance stood for, I couldn't have come up with anything this.... Imagination failed. There simply were no words sufficient to the purpose. I gripped my arms and, unbidden, my thumb stroked the scar on my left bicep, a souvenir of my stint with the Alliance and harbinger of the crime committed on the man sitting before me.
A felon on the run could alter his appearance, as I had good reason to know. He could erase his fingerprints, go under the knife and change his face, rearrange his retinal patterns...but at least he was free to choose what to do and how far to take it. Joshua hadn't. He couldn't. All he had were his memories to tell him who he was and the bastards hadn't left him even that.
Goddamn them.
Wait.
"DNA. Did they keep a sample of it for their records? It's the ultimate VIN number and you, Joshua, are a particularly expensive custom car that they're going to want back if it's ever lost or stolen and found again. Given the alterations they've done, it's the only way to identify you if you're unable to verify it yourself."
Under what conditions he couldn't, I didn't say. I was certain I didn't need to.
***
"Well, at least I've been upgraded from a brand of soda to a luxury car." Joshua made a joke out of it. He had to - what for him had been a throwaway comment had obviously struck Rina hard. Leaning forward, he reached for her hand to reassure her. "Really, of all the things that I've been worried about in the past few months...and there have been a lot... my face hadn't even cracked the top ten." He smiled again.
"Insert your own face cracking joke here."
***
I'd somehow ended up sitting down on the bunk with him and when he pulled my hand from my scar I automatically resisted, then gave in. There was little point--he'd stitched me up after Wu Ling's knives had found me. I had no doubt there wasn't a scar on the outside of me he hadn't already seen and he was fast mapping the ones on the inside.
"Joke?" I shook my head. "I'm not laughing. I can't."
Not when my nose wasn't the one God gave me, or my cheekbones and chin. Not when my eyes were two steps away from permanent blindness, all for the sake of a job I did eleven years ago, which was now rendered useless by the Cortex silence that had shut down the Verse.
"But if you had any doubts about the face you have now, ditch them. It's a good one and it suits you."
***
He ignored her last comment. If she was going to steer the conversation in this direction, he wasn't going to let her steer it away now. He grasped her hand a little firmer with his right hand and added his left on top. "So tell me why." He took the joking out of his tone, replacing it with concern.
***
The habits of over a decade weren't easily overcome and it wasn't any different with Joshua than it had been with Christian or Nika. I'd just had to do it sooner than I'd expected.
What to tell him?
"I'd already said I'd been on both sides of the war." I slipped my hand free and pulled my tee-shirt sleeve to my shoulder. I tapped the scar it covered. "This is from something they lied to me about. And this," I tapped the exit wound from the Lieutenant's gun, a few inches away, "was nothing but the truth. I won't bore you with the tedious details but cut to the chase. After everything was said and done, I wanted payback. Mike offered me an opportunity to get it and I took it. I spent over a year behind enemy lines setting things up so no matter who won the war, the Feds could slit their own throats for us when the time was right. Going behind the lines meant I couldn't go as myself. I was already flagged as a traitor and nothing but the firing squad waited for me if they caught me. I needed a way to get past their scanners. Mike found a way around that, too, and in his typical on-the-job fashion, he didn't tell me until it was already done.
"We were waiting to intercept our ride to the Core and while we were waiting...." Taking a deep breath, I told him exactly how he'd done it.
"Here," Mike said to her, holding out something that looked like high-powered binoculars. "Take a look through these."
Rina left off recalibrating the passive sensors and crawled out from under the console. She took up the binoculars and saw nothing but her own two eyes staring back. "What am I looking at?"
"This."
A flash blinded her.
"Fuck!"
White-hot ice picks hammered through her corneas couldn't have hurt worse. She grabbed her face, hit the deck and writhed. Mike hauled her into the copilot's chair and straddled her, holding her wrists in an iron grip to keep her from clawing her eyes out.
"Breathe," he said.
Behind her in the corridor, she heard laughter. Someone called bets on her losing her lunch and Rina heard it taken. She clamped her jaw against her nausea. Damned if she'd give anyone the satisfaction of winning. She breathed against the pain and tried not to thrash.
"What the hell did you do to me?" she asked thickly when she could speak again, her eyes screwed tightly shut.
"Rearranged your retinas. Throws off the scanners. Every door you walk through has them. We hacked your biometrics and there's nothing on public record but this." Mike's fingertip delicately traced her eyelid. "You won't ping the database as yourself anymore. You'll be invisible."
Rina opened her eyes a crack. The consoles in the dim cockpit blazed with miniature suns, excruciatingly bright. She screwed her eyes shut again. Tears bathed her cheeks. "What about my face? You gonna `rearrange' that, too?"
"Stay put." Mike rose and released her. She heard him move aft. "Keep 'em shut. The effects should wear off in an hour."
She'd passed out in that chair, and had woken with a raging headache and blinking spots from her vision. She could see well enough and the passive sensors still needed recalibrating. Rina got back to work. No one mentioned what had happened and she didn't offer any comments. The next day one of the men broke her nose. A quick thrust of his elbow to her face as she passed him in the corridor sufficed to do the job. She came to with a sticker splint holding everything together, a patch on top to take the swelling down, and several millimeters' height injected into her cheekbones and chin. Mike offered no explanation but gave her some meds to take the edge off the pain. It was how the game was played, she knew, so she picked herself up and carried on.
"Eighteen days later I put boots on the ground in the Core and walked through the scanners without a hitch. My own family thinks I'm dead and if I showed up on their doorstep tomorrow, they'd think I was some crazy cousin pretending to be a daughter they'd buried over a decade ago. I can't go back. I can only go forward. I believe what I did was worth it but there are times when I can't sleep, where I wonder 'what if'. What if the Feds had simply dealt with me straight and told me the standard inoculation package was not what they claimed it was, what if they'd admitted I had a case against.... No."
I shook my head and sucked it up.
" What if will drive you crazy if you let it. I don't mean to go crazy, Joshua. I mean to win. However long it takes. And now that you know a little more about me, if sometimes you see me freeze and blow a gasket, you'll know why."
God, it was a lame finish, but at the moment it was the only one I could come up with while dealing with my memories.
***
That was the most Rina had said to Joshua at one time. It struck him how much she must trust him. She had said it before, but there was the spoken proof. But maybe she hadn't lost as much as she thought she had. He was about to step into dangerous territory with someone who had just told him that what ifs didn't matter. But if he didn't give his honest advice, what was the point?
He zeroed in on the portion of the conversation that he was most interested in, and decided slipping in sideways might be the best approach. "Rina, what if I had a different face? Besides not being the incredibly handsome babe magnet I am now, would you still recognize me as me?"
***
You dork, my look said to him plain as day. Then I relented and answered him as honestly as I could.
"If you kept your body language the same, your voice and your verbal idioms...your conscience and the will to follow it, I think the answer would be 'yes'. How else would a blind man recognize a friend?"
***
He nodded. "Being other people taught me that there is a lot more to a person than their appearance. There was a reason why, on the job, I stayed away from a person's loved ones as much as possible. They could tell. It might take them a while, but they could tell."
Might as well go for broke. "So given what you just told me, what makes you think that your family wouldn't recognize you if you went back?"
***
"You know, there was a woman who claimed to be the Grand Duchess of the Romanovs who asked the very same thing. War figured into her story too. And a firing squad. What she didn't have to support or disprove her claim was DNA. Back then, they had no way of isolating it, much less matching it against a database.
"Faria would tell you that there's no counterfeiting a soul, and maybe he's right. And there's no way to counterfeit physical DNA, not without the splices showing up, but you can …. misplace it. Hide it. Misdirect the investigators. People stop looking for something if they believe they've already found it and in my case, they believe they did, even though mine is still hidden. If I was ever insane enough to take it that far, my family wouldn't have anything to identify me. Nothing but my word. Maybe my voice. That's about it.
"I don't move the same. I sure as hell don't act the same and my conscience? It's been morally pretzeled beyond recovery. I'm not the little girl they remember, Joshua. There is no going back for me. I only mentioned my family to show you how far I've had to go and gone. That it's possible to reinvent yourself and survive it. That's all."
***
"Everyone is so certain around here." It was pissing him off, he admitted. He seemed to be the only person completely uncertain about things. "Why is that? It seems like everyone around here has something that I would kill to have and they're ignoring it. Love. Family. " He stood up and started stepping from side to side, working off the nervous energy.
He gestured in the direction of the bridge. "Nika loves this Brian fellow and won't go to see him because it's..." and he broke into an eerie imitation of Nika's voice, "just not that simple. "
He gestured towards Rina. "You've got a family that you don't want to try to see because they're in the past...something I also don't have."
"Why isn't it that simple?" He plopped onto the floor cross-legged, unconsciously imitating his reflection pose from the earlier workout.
He took a deep breath and sat quietly for a minute, with tenseness radiating from his body. One day at a time. There is only the path.
***
At the mention of my ignoring my family through cowardice or inconvenience, insult tore right through me and by the time he'd sunk to the floor I'd shot to my feet and was a cats whisker away from decking him. The way I felt right that second, I had no doubt I would have put him on Arden's operating table.
"Simple?" I said evenly, velvet over steel. "How's this for 'simple'? There's no statute of limitations for espionage and treason, Joshua. I'm a convicted traitor of my government. Price on my head. Sentenced to die. The second I go back to my family, their deaths by firing squad as accessories is guaranteed. I'm not ignoring them. I'm protecting them."
***
He stared directly at Rina, determination in his eyes. "Are you saying that because Blue Sun is after me, I should leave the Gift behind for your protection and never see you again?" At least he'd deserve it when she hit him in a minute.
Then he thought, I'm in it this far, how much harder could she punch me?
Before she had a chance to respond to his first statement, he followed up with another. "I also didn't realize that you were so important that the Alliance dropped everything to chase you. You know, that whole civil war really does pale in comparison to getting hold of Rina."
***
"You think I haven't thought of that? Jesus, Joshua. I can't stop thinking it. Maybe you're right and I'm being an insufferable arrogant bitch. Or maybe I'm just being cautious. The Feds record everything and they forget very little. And they are very unforgiving when someone points out their faults. If they ever connected the dots about me--and they're out there because it's impossible to hide all of them—they have the power to make me disappear and everyone who knows me will disappear with me. The morally over-righteous can never accommodate dissent because it exposes their logic as flawed where they insist it's perfect, it gainsays them where they say they're infallible, it paints them as the frauds they really are."
I backed off, no longer wanting to pound him like a tent peg. Instead I wanted, desperately, to make him understand.
"Do you read the classics, Joshua? Maybe this'll ring a few bells:
`Of all tyrannies, a tyranny exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It may be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end, for they do so with the approval of their own conscience.'
"Say what you want of C.S. Lewis and his views on religion, he did have a pretty good grasp of human nature. Omnipotent moral busybodies. That's the Core. That's the Alliance. If you don't believe me, ask the residents of Miranda what they think about it. Robber barons. That's Blue Sun. Tell me which is the greater evil, Joshua.
"As for the idea that you should leave to protect us from Blue Sun? If that's the way you feel, I can't stop you if I can't convince you stay. We're not your jailers. But because we willingly backed you once we found out about your situation, need for protection or not, do understand that we had more freedom of choice in the matter than my family ever did. And the adversary in their case, as I've already mentioned, is most definitely not the same beast in yours. I'd say we have better odds facing Blue Sun than my family has with the Feds. You can always change a corporation's bottom line if you can convince them it's in their financial interest to do so. You can never change an oppressive ideology if those in power stand to benefit from the structure that it supports.
"Don't you get it? It's not about me, per se. It's about the idea of me. And others like me. It's about the dead on Miranda. It's about the blockade of Blue Sun and the Falkan tape. It's about the idea that the Alliance is corrupt. It's about how it's so successfully hidden its tyranny that most can't even comprehend why the Independents chose to stand and fight rather than be swallowed up in it. The idea that the tyranny exists at all is a very dangerous idea to the powers that be and those powers will do anything to keep it from spreading. By letting me live with the name I was given at birth, free to tell everyone what happened to me and why, I'd be showing everyone the Feds for what they are.
"I'm a small person, a small problem at best. I have only a small piece of the big picture. But small problems have this tendency to grow into big ones. They can't have that. If they knew I still breathed, they'd have to either silence me or kill me and everyone I might have told my story to. I don't know how to say it any plainer, Joshua. I really don't."
***
Taking slow, deep breaths, he sat there cross-legged looking at Rina. He could continue to argue with her. But the frustration and anger had drained out of him as quick as it had arrived. Just because he didn't have the patience he wanted...needed, no reason for him to say hurtful things to Rina.
"I'm sorry," he said quietly and simply as he kept the focus of his eyes on hers. "I shouldn't have said those things. I can't run my own life. I have neither the ability nor the right to judge yours."
***
"Of course you should have said those things, Joshua. Freedom to think and speak for yourself is also freedom to be a jerk and offend people."
I sighed and sat on the deck next to him.
"What kind of life have you got if you spend every waking minute censoring what you say just in case something, however small, can be construed by the other guy as offensive? You can't please everybody when anybody can claim insult. If you censor what you say, how soon before you censor what you think? And from that, censor what you believe? And if you can't believe what you wish inside the privacy of your thoughts, how free can you really be?"
I grabbed his hands and squeezed them, giving them a little shake.
"You had a valid point. I needed to hear it. It made me mad but you made me think critically and justify my position. That's as it should be. So please, don't apologize. The point is not to avoid offense, the way the Core would have you believe serves the greater good. The point is to have the integrity to speak your truth and lead by example, to make decisions following the dictates of your conscience and by what you believe is right."
***
He shook his head tightly and spoke up, his voice firm. "I don't disagree with what you're saying, but what I said was arrogant beyond belief. Understanding that what you're saying is stupid is not the same as censoring yourself." Her hands felt nice on his, though. Certainly better than a punch to the face.
"Put your own house in order before you look into your neighbor's." He said it quietly with a look of apology towards Rina.
***
"I'll be the first to admit there's a subtle difference between honesty and discretion." I leaned back and breathed a laugh. "And I'll readily admit it's bitten me on the ass more often than not. I'm not saying you should lie, exactly, but just don't give up what you believe is the right thing to do. If you can prove to me that sitting in your quarters feeling sorry for yourself is the right thing to do, then I won't contest your right to do it. I won't be happy, but I can't gainsay it."
***
Jeez, Rina, couldn't you just gracefully accept the apology? Of course not, what had he been thinking? Only one way to go now.
"So if you don't want me sitting here feeling sorry for me, do you have any ideas what I should do with myself with you here in my room?" He looked at her and then at the bunk.
"It's such a small confined space." He tried to keep a straight face, but he couldn't pull it off. A little smirk crossed his face and a laugh started to bubble out from behind his tightly sealed lips.
***
I finally caught up with what he'd said and what I'd missed in my fervor and laughed with him. " 'Put your own house in order before you look into your neighbor's'?" I held out my hand. "Howdy, neighbor. If you ever find your house too messy to straighten, you're welcome to come over and straighten mine. As for the rest of it?" I sobered and looked at him with tilted head and raised eyebrow. "When you're serious about that offer, you're welcome to come over and explain it to me, too."
***
He took her outstretched hand, turned it over, and brought the back of the hand to his lips. "Someday soon, I think, Rina. While I'm not moving as fast as I'd like, I've found the path again."
He smiled as he let her hand fall away again. "And I'm pretty sure your house is along the way."
***
When he took my hand and turned it, I suspected. When his lips touched my fingers, I knew: I'd been an idiot. I'd been sincere in my offer, but I had failed to anticipate how Joshua would perceive it...and take it.
"Joshua, you know that when you stop for that visit, you can't stay," I said quietly. "I can offer you rest and comfort as anyone would, but the house already belongs to another."
***
He nodded to her. His spur of the moment gesture must have pressed Rina's panic button. "I know. The path doesn't end there. You don't have to worry about me." He abandoned the metaphor - it had been stretched about as far as it would go. "When the time arrives, it'll because I'll be ready for your offer on those terms."
He then chuckled. "Otherwise, we might be in bed right now. I am a thirty-one year old virgin, you realize." He said the last with a droll overtone that broke the seriousness between them.
***
I recognized a back-off when I saw it and laughed with him, both in relief and to show no harm had been done.
"Tell you what," I said, leaning in with conspiracy in my tone. "I won't tell everyone you're a virgin if you won't tell them I'm a hopeless romantic. After all, I have the reputation of twitchy hard-assed bitch to maintain. If word got out, I'd never be able to show my face outside the engine room again. Ever."
When all else fails, go for the light touch, the more humorous, the better.
***
"Don't worry, I will be sure to proclaim your bitchy hard-assedness to everyone I meet." He paused, and then said with a dramatic flair, "Loudly."
***
"Govniuk," I snorted, swatting him playfully on the shoulder. "Does this mean I can shout from the rooftops you're a reprobate and a rake?"
***
He laughed out loud. "If you think anyone will believe it, go right ahead." He snorted. "I have my doubts."
***
"Don't be so sure. I can be pretty persuasive when I want to be."
***
Like a hurricane in full force, he thought. "I think I've been on the opposite end of that persuasion before." And he smiled to make sure she knew he wasn't serious. And because it was nice to smile.
***
"Conversational ass-reaming is just another service I offer." I smiled back. "Whenever you feel the need for more, you know where to find me."
I rose and dusted off and pulled him up to his feet.
"Come on," I said. "Let's see what we can scare out of Rick's closet for you. Those coveralls will do in a pinch, but I wouldn't recommend them for the long term. They'll chafe you raw."
***
"Okay, as long Rick knows I promise to replace them."
He thought about it for a minute. "When I get some credits."
He thought some more. "When the ship gets paid."
He threw up his hands. "Oh hell, I'll owe him."
***
"Maybe so, but I think you'll find friends don't keep score."
***
"I guess not," he said, as he walked over to the door and opened it for Rina, waiting. "That's what happens when you don't really have any. Big gaps in the knowledge structure."
***
"You've got a start, right here on this boat." I snorted good naturedly. "Don't forget it and make me call you govniuk again."
***
"I don't mind, as long as you teach me all the Russian swears." He shook his finger at her. "How else will I know what you're calling me when I'm frustrating you for the millionth time?"
***
I grabbed his finger.
"You keep that up and I'll say all one million of them, and slap a couple of tiers of insult on top." I laughed as we exited his quarters. "We can start with govniuk. It means---." and I leaned in and whispered it in his ear.
***
"That's what you called me?" he said, eyebrows rising. "Your reputation is well earned, then." And he childishly stuck out his tongue, laughing as they walked down the corridor to find Rick.
Since this season turned out to be RP heavy, it's only fair to include the link to everyone's efforts.
Go Back to Shadowboxing, Part One | Jump to A Judicious Application of Heat
Go to Peripatetica - Rina's Journal entry and RP log
Go to Rina's Russian Glossary
Go to Rina's Crew Page
Go to EPISODES or TIMELINE
