Taking It All Down

Thanks go out to Andy for playing and making the right decision. You'll know it when you see it. Thanks Andy!--Maer

Friday, 04 Jul 2521
Kuiper II class, Summer's Gift
Lorngaard, Highgate
Blue Sun (Qing Long) system
2225hrs, local time

Everything was quiet, too quiet after the dust settled from the trial. After Mike left for Miranda. There was nothing to do but tidy up the loose ends both had left behind. I kept my mouth shut on the whole business and kept to myself. I spit-polished the engine room, whipped the machine shop into shape and when I'd showered and cleaned myself up I took to my quarters and locked the door.

The timeline waited for me, my constant companion since May. I dressed quickly and glared at the damned thing. The work of weeks, all come to naught. Mocking me. I flipped through the sheaf of notes I'd taped to one side, not really seeing it, thinking instead of the paths I went down to produce what ultimately proved to be so much useless litter.

The sheaf made quite a pile on the deck after I ripped it to shreds. A second sheaf and a third joined it in a minute and the myriad bits of duct tape followed. Breathing hard, I worked fast, then faster, working from the first date to the last. At line's end I had a carpet of rubbish at my feet and several knuckles’ worth of skin scraped off onto the bulkhead. I didn't stop but yanked a clean bandana from my stash and started on the grease pencil.

Damned fucker’s coming down…

The pencil clung tenaciously to the paint. I spat and scrubbed harder, panting now, wanting nothing more than to remove the reminder of my obsession, my mistakes … the woman I’d ceased to be. Anger lent force to my scrubbing, backed by the pain of self-loathing and remorse. Something wet splashed the back of my hand, I wiped it off on my shirt and kept on going.

***

Joshua carried the plate of white rice and red beans in one hand and a glass of tea in the other as he walked down the hallway towards Rina's cabin. Rina missing dinner was almost more routine than her showing up for dinner. Joshua didn't blame her. She had a lot to deal with. But he couldn't let her starve.

When he got there, the door was closed, but he was pretty certain he could hear her presence in the room. Saved him the walk down to the engine room. He bent down and carefully laid the plate and glass by the door. As he stood back up, he knocked on the door. "Rina, I'm leaving food outside your door. When you get a moment, you should eat something." Having notified her, he turned to walk down the hallway, doing what he had promised himself he would do - leave her alone to heal.

***

I yanked the door open, pissed at the interruption but knowing full well if I didn’t at least drag my dinner inside, Joshua would only worry. I pulled on the plate, slopping the tea but not giving a damn, and slid both clear of the door.

“Thanks,” I said to his shoes and straightened to shut myself in.

***

Joshua turned to look as Rina came out. Her tone of voice suggested she didn't want to be bothered, but he wasn't going to stop caring and he couldn't help wanting to look and see how she was doing. He made a slight gasp of surprise as he saw what looked to be bloodstains on her shirt and on her hands. Just so much red everywhere.

"Rina, do you need me to call Arden? Are you okay?" He was fast beginning to believe he should call Arden whether Rina said it was okay or not.

***

"Arden?" I paused on the threshold. "No. What the hell would I need him for?"

I cut an eyeroll and pushed off the jamb and slammed my door.

Now, where was I? Oh, yeah. June 2520...

***

He had to admit it hurt, the way she just shrugged him off, an ugly sharp pain in his stomach. He understood it...but it still hurt. But he couldn't let his childish emotions get in the way. He stood in the middle of the hallway, running things over in his head. He hadn't seen any signs of still bleeding wounds. But there hadn't been much chance to look. His initial surprise had thrown him off.

Rina wasn't the type to do something stupid like really hurt herself, he thought. And certainly she wouldn't try to kill herself. But then again, this was not a normal situation for her. Jao Gao. She was going to be pissed at him for a long time, but better pissed off than dead.

"Open the gorram door and talk to me for 5 minutes, Rina. Then I'll leave you alone. Otherwise I'll call Arden and Nika down here to come harass you with me."

***

I’d kept a tight lid on everything since the trial and its aftermath, determined not to validate the crew’s apprehensions. But the drawback to running on sheer nerve is the fact it makes it far too easy for well-intentioned people to stomp on your last remaining one and Joshua had just stomped on mine. I threw my door open and thrust a finger in his face.

“Back off!” I snarled, thoroughly incensed. “I’m busy!”

Which, had I been a little cooler under the collar, I would have realized was a stupid thing to do. After all, Joshua knew Aikido.

***

The advantage of having her finger thrust in his face was that her hands were up close and personal. He grabbed the hand and brought it closer, turning it over for examination. That was blood on her knuckles, but he could see much of what he thought was blood was something else. Paint? Greasepencil. Crap. Greasepencil. She was doing something with that damnable timeline of hers. He had shown up in the middle of an emotional storm and was wondering why the water was a bit choppy. Why not just pour some salt on the wound while you're at it, Joshua?

He gently let her hand go. "Feel free to slug me one if it will make you feel better. I deserve it and what's a little more blood on your knuckles, right?" He stood there calmly waiting.

***

It was tempting. God, so tempting. All the ugliness I’d shoved down for days bloomed inside me and demanded release. My fingers fisted around my bandana and I sucked in a breath for the punch … and the sight of him waiting to take it on the chin was like a pin to a balloon. The resulting bang took out my knees and I slid down the wall to the floor, curling around my gut to keep from screaming. I sucked down a deep breath and then another and like air wafting across a fresh wound, it hurt. Dear God, it hurt.

Not going to lose it … not …

***

"I'm sorry, Rina," Joshua said quietly as he slid down the wall opposite Rina. "I'm sorry for disturbing you. Sorry you're hurting. Sorry I'm the one that started the rock down the hill to cause this avalanche of pain." Looking at her across the hallway, he wanted to touch her, hold her, comfort her, let her know she was still loved. But that was almost certainly not what she needed now. His presence was probably bad enough, reopening the barely scabbed wound. But he couldn't leave her.

***

I heard his tone through his words and understood. I sat up and pushed the door wide with my foot.

“Come in,” I said thickly, sniffing deep. “Before the neighbors start gossiping.”

***

"You sure? I can go back to my room, leave you alone."

***

Leave me alone? Suck it up, stupid. You've marinated enough.

"No," I shook my head and risked looking at him. "Stay if you like. I can't exactly vouch for the company you'd get, but stay if you like. I'll just be a minute."

So saying I dragged to my feet and started tidying up, all impetus on the timeline blown.

***

He felt like he was intruding, if it was possible to intrude by invitation. As Joshua wandered in, he could see where she had been destroying the timeline. The bloody knuckles made sense now - he could see the fury she must have used to remove some portions. It tore through him, a fiery bolt of guilt at the pain she was suffering. All choices have consequences, he reminded himself. This was the consequence of the choice he and Rina made. If he wanted to be able to make his own choices, he needed to be able to accept his own consequences.

"You don't have to clean up for me, Rina. I'm just happy you haven't seriously physically hurt yourself." Joshua noticed where she had shoved the dinner plate and glass out of the way. He picked them up on his way in and sat down quietly on her bunk. "Since dinner is here, maybe you should go ahead and eat it.”

***

My knuckles ached and stung but I cleared a path to my desk and straddled my chair. Joshua moved around me, just keeping things low key, business as usual. Just what I needed. I crossed my arms on the chair, tipped my head back, and blew all the nasty crap out of me in a slow sustained breath.

“Thanks,” I said when I could speak again. I held out a hand for the plate. “Maybe I should.”

***

He nodded at her and then quietly sat aside while she ate. He watched her struggling to get herself together, to fight through the emotions. He had 'won', gotten what he wanted - a chance to be with her forever. Funny. It feels a lot more like losing right now.

***

I made the rice and beans disappear and washed it down with tea. The simple act of eating grounded me, the churning in my gut settled now that I’d given it something useful to do and Joshua's company smoothed the rough edges down. I polished off the last bite and put the dishes aside.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have taken it out on you." I tilted my head at the timeline on my five. "It had to come down sooner or later. It's not ... relevant anymore."

***

"You will not apologize. Any and all reactions are valid, Rina." Joshua felt a bit adrift. Would saying that he loved her come across as comforting or as a reminder of what she lost? Did he agree with her about the relevance of the timeline and rub it in or tell her that she could still go to Miranda and drive her to him? Not knowing what to say, he sat on the bunk and didn't say anything else.

***

“I killed him, Joshua,” I confessed into the silence that followed. “Sure as I’d put a gun to him and pulled the trigger. I said no when he asked me to marry him. I said no when I should have said yes and I killed him. It just took him til now to die.” Shame flooded me, hovering bitterly in my throat as I rose and scraped my ruined notes off the floor. I held it in my fist and shook it. “And all of this … this ruttin’ go se, dierma crap! kept me from seeing it. All that paranoid wheels-within-wheels bullshit sold me on the lie when I should have seen the truth.” I flung the paper aside and watched it flutter to the deck. I sucked down a shaky breath and said, my voice thin, “If I’d been there for him, I might have kept him from going through with it, from making that deal to kill You Ge. He’d be free instead of getting thrown out like yesterday’s trash to die on Miranda. He deserved better from me, Joshua. So much better.” I spun and slammed my fist into the steel bulkhead, punctuating each word with a blow. “So. Much. Better.”

***

Choices. It always came back to the choices made or unmade. How we obsess over them, Joshua thought. We should just be happy we get to make them, but instead we're always looking back, thinking we made the wrong ones. Never focusing on the right ones.

"Mike made his own choices, Rina. We're not smart enough nor wise enough to know what the otherwise choices would lead to." He looked at her as he said it, realizing there was a flip side to that decision she hadn't thought about. "And what about me, Rina? You go off with Mike, and I could be dead somewhere, or worse, back in the hands of Blue Sun, memory wiped and doing evil at their behest. Is that not worth anything? You didn't make a wrong choice, Rina, you made a choice and I know you made it the best way you knew how."

***

I planted my fisted knuckles square on the bulkhead and pushed off, turning in the tight quarters to sit on my bunk. I drew my knees up and hugged them. I flexed my left hand, feeling bone and sinew protest. It hurt. I welcomed it.

“Sure you might have ended up dead or worse but my being here is no guarantee against it. And though you say I made the best choice I knew how, I don’t think my history of making choices is anything to be confident about.

"And what do you call breaking a promise, Joshua? Breaking your word? I promised him I'd go. I promised and he believed and because of that, he went through with it. And now, after going through all this fucking shit for me, for us, I break my word and he's left with nothing. What the hell do you call that, Joshua? What the hell do you call me?"

***

"Human." He put his hand down next to where she sat beside him. Mike had other paths he could have walked down, but Joshua didn't think Rina wanted to hear that. She needed someone to blame and that someone needed to be her. But it led to the question he had been wondering since the end of the trial. "Can I ask you a question, Rina? Wasn't the plan all along to go to Miranda? So why aren't you going with him?"

***

"He told me to kill you."

And there it was: The point on which everything pivoted. The moment the Universe changed.

"And I couldn't do it."

***

It took a few seconds for what Rina said to filter into Joshua's brain but when it did, he visibly startled and his stomach gave a twist. People had shot at him, used sonics on him, done any number of things that could kill him. But his first thought was still to think how odd it was that someone feared him enough to want him dead.

As his brain continued processing, he had to try and damp down his suddenly surging burst of joy. He knew it wasn't as simple as Rina choosing him over Mike. But damn if it didn't feel that way. Then, he realized the last implication of what she said. He was to blame for Rina not going to Miranda in yet another way. He hoped Rina wouldn't hold it against him, but he'd understand if she did.

"Thank you. And I'm sorry."

***

His apology brought my head up.

“Why are you sorry?”

***

"I don't know," he admitted. "Maybe because if I hadn't entered your life, there is a good chance you'd be off with Mike now instead of being here grieving. I'm not sorry for what we've been to each other, but I can be sorry for the pain it is causing you now."

***

"Don't be so sure of that," I said. "You don't know the whole story. You don't..." I took a deep breath and tried again.

"Mike asked me if I remembered my focus exercises, the ones he taught me. He told me to blank my mind, to lull you into a false sense of security, and kill you when you least suspected it. He told me to play you. And that's not all.

"He said you were a threat to the crew, to me. He said that if you followed your MO, you'd try to seem sympathetic, perhaps helpless, earn my trust. Somehow gain my affection." I heard Mike's voice echoed in my words and I had to steady myself before going on. "And then he said—and I quote—‘He's just like us. There's nothing inside him that's real. He's on a mission.’"

I looked at Joshua, unsure of what this information would do to his equilibrium but I had to tell him.

"Mike said, 'He's just like us. There's nothing inside him that's real.' And that's when I knew just how wrong everything had gone. I'm real. You're real. I know you are. He looked right at me and told me to kill a man in cold blood, without remorse, without thought, because I was just like 'us'. The 'us' with nothing inside.

"And that's wrong. I asked him where he got his intel, if he had proof to back his claim. He promised to show me after I'd killed you. And that's ... Joshua, when I did the Ariel job for him, his men didn't trust me to do it. They were convinced I didn’t have what it took to infiltrate the facility, live a lie, smile and carry out the mission. The only thing that would have convinced them was if I'd pulled the trigger on the woman we'd captured, to kill the woman whose identity I stole for the job. Mike vetoed it. He overrode four of his own men, men he trusted, men he'd gone through I don't know how many jobs with, to spare me that. He knew I couldn't do it without killing a piece of myself and he shoved me off-ship and sent me on my way so I wouldn't have to. He did it.

"And the look on his face ... when he pushed me into that woman's ship and shut the hatch ...” I closed my eyes, thought back to that day and said, my voice going thin, “It was hell. I saw the face of hell, Joshua, and that was what he wanted to save me from. And save me he did."

I opened my eyes and looked at Joshua.

"That was twelve years ago. And when he told me to kill you, I looked at him and there was nothing of him left. The man I saw that day wasn't there. And what he was asking me to do? It was like killing that woman all over again. Only this time he wanted me to do it.

"The war's over, Joshua. Especially now, here, in Blue Sun. The Independents have won a place for themselves where the Feds won't go. There'd be no point, no justifiable reason, to kill you. Especially not when you'd already had a year to kill me, not when we'd already given you reason to kill all of us with our actions against Blue Sun. You never made a move, Joshua. Not once. Perhaps Mike wouldn't've ordered me to kill you if he'd had the benefit of living that year with you. But I don't think so. I saw his face when he gave me that order. It wasn't the face I thought I knew. I didn't know who I was dealing with anymore. I only knew that Mike was asking something from me that I couldn't give, not without destroying something important, and that he knew it.

"He knew it and he gave the order anyway."

I took Joshua's hand in my own and held it tight.

"This wasn't the last request of a dying man, it wasn't jealousy or revenge. This was something from someone who'd been fighting the shadow war for so long he couldn't leave it and anyone he brought with him had to compromise that last inch of their humanity. Turn it off, do the job, turn it back on. I couldn't do that. I couldn't do that and live with myself. And I couldn't live with him because he required it of me.

"So sure, I could have gone with him, Joshua, flown off into the sunset and drawbacks to the planet aside, maybe I could have had a life with him. But I'd have to do it over your dead body and I would hate him for it. I can't do that. I can't pretend to love someone I've come to hate, who made me give up that last inch. No matter the reason, no matter what he cited to justify it, no matter how much I still loved him, I couldn't do it."

"So I lied. He told me to do it and I walked away with the promise to see him on the other side. And later, after the trial was over and he was packing to leave, I told him I wasn't going with him. And you know what? He told me that he knew when he gave me that order that I wouldn't have killed you. He knew. But he let me walk away to agonize over it, let me risk pulling the trigger and damning myself for it anyway."

I closed my eyes on it and shook my head.

“And when I called him on it, he just looked at me with that damned all-knowing smirk of his and said he wouldn’t worry about me, that he was sure I’d take care of myself just fine when the time came. Just like old times.” I breathed a laugh and looked at Joshua again. “I should have known he’d’ve thought it through. He’s always managed to stay three steps ahead of me, the arrogant bastard.”

Loss made me bitter and yet I still loved and admired the man who’d dominated my internal landscape for over a decade. In retrospect, I could see that despite his faults Mike was, at core, a catalyst. Of events. Of people. Of change. And like any paradigm shift, upheaval never came without cost or without pain. It was the necessary price for knowing him and I’d paid mine. Now all that remained was to make the best of what I’d paid for: my heart and my life. I hoped I was up to the task. Only time will tell if I’d succeeded.

And that time starts now.

***

Despite everything having changed, nothing had changed. Her relationship with Mike was still as complicated as the workings of one of Rina's engines. She was frustrated with him, she admired him. She hated him, she loved him. But when all was said and done, he thought, Rina had trusted him and not Mike. And she seemed...well... okay.

"So...," he said, "You're going to be okay? No more scaring me by making me think you had done something stupid in your grief? I mean, grieve all you want, Rina. No one begrudges you that. We just worry. I worry."

***

“Don’t. I promise I won’t do anything stupid.” I regarded my abused knuckles. “Overzealous, maybe, but nothing stupid. Why give the Universe that satisfaction?”

***

"Can't stop me from worrying, Rina." Joshua took his free hand and put it over hers. "That's what happens when you love someone."

***

I laced my fingers with his and gave his hand a squeeze.

"Fair enough."

***

Joshua caressed the back of her hand briefly and then stood up. He looked down on her - she was still a mess of blood and grease pen and hair all over the place. And heartbreakingly beautiful. "When and if you're ready, Rina, I'll be waiting for you. You know where to find me," he said firmly as he slowly made his way towards the door. It was a simple statement of fact. She was worth waiting for.

***

It starts now.

I rose and said his name.

“Joshua.”

***

He could hear it in her voice, the choice made and it took more willpower than he had ever used in his life not to rush to Rina and take her in his arms. He slowly turned around and looking at her, said, "No, Rina. You need to be free of the events of the last few days." He paused, and then articulated his real reason. "I want...no, need to know you've chosen me for me and I don't know that you can do that so close to having to let Mike go.”

He said all of it calmly, but that was his performance ability working for (against?) him. The woman he loved was offering her love to him and he was refusing. What kind of moron am I?

***

No matter how long or involved the process to get to that point, once I'd made up my mind, I didn't dither. I simply went with it. It was my nature. And Joshua had just reminded me that it wasn't his. And also as to my nature, I couldn't completely hide my hurt at his refusal—I was a lousy liar and he knew me too well. So to spare us both I merely nodded and put my bandana to my timeline and resumed scrubbing.

"Makes sense," I said, scraping at a stubborn mark with a thumbnail. "I understand."

***

"Do you? Really?" He kneeled down close to her. "That was the most painful thing I've ever had to do or say. You know I love you, Rina. I'm not saying no to you. I'm saying no to the moment."

***

I stopped scrubbing and put my forehead to the wall.

"Joshua. If you feel the moment isn't right, then it isn't right." I slid a look at him, the wall cold and gritty against my skin. "Just don't make the mistake I did and waste a decade waiting for it."

***

He caught her glance as she looked over and held it. "I won't. I know you think I'm an idiot and I've almost certainly hurt your feelings. But I don't want you to make a decision now that you'll end up regretting later. Or worse, spend your life constantly wondering if it was the right one.”

He leaned over, brushed her hair aside, and kissed her on the forehead. "That's my promise," Joshua said as he stood up. "I'm not going anywhere.”

He walked to the door and paused with his hand on the handle. "Take some time. Maybe a couple of weeks. If you still feel like you want to be with me forever, and Lord knows, I hope you do, then come find me. I'll be waiting."

***

Rejection is never an easy thing, no matter what logic you throw behind it, and I didn't stop Joshua from leaving. I understood what he'd meant and there was nothing to be gained by arguing the point. I'd made up my mind and Joshua wanted to give me time to test my decision, to let me determine if I'd been right. It wasn’t vacillation. It was common sense and I'd be a fool not to heed it.

So I scrubbed the timeline off my wall and when I was sure there Joshua was out of sight, I left to get the grease cutter from my workshop.

***

Go back to: Timeline Season Four, April 2521 to Dec 2521

Go to Peripatetica - Rina's Journal entry and RP log
Go to Rina's Russian Glossary
Go to Rina's Crew Page
Go to EPISODES or TIMELINE