Wake

(Many thanks to Andy for doing this with me. Thanks, Andy!--Maer)

Saturday, 17 Aug 2520
Aberg Ship Yard
Malmo, Aesir
Red Sun (Zhu Que) system
19:30 hrs, local time

        The sun was finally lowering toward sunset in the long summer night and the Abergs took up their fallen son to prepare him for his funeral. Nika had hied off somewhere with the Aberg matriarch to work out the details, Arden and Rick stayed out with the others swapping stories of shipboard life with Jake for stories from his siblings and cousins. Joshua was nowhere to be seen. I'd already stowed the Gator where the Abergs said to park her and having little else to do, I set off to find him. I well understood how overwhelming the clan could be in the best of times...and these weren't the best of times.
        Had it been me, I'd have taken refuge in the garage itself, to lose myself in poking into this or that pile of machinery they'd collected in the nooks and crannies. While Joshua might not be mechanically inclined, the sorted piles still offered good places to hide. And thinking back on comments he'd made on the voyage over, I had a pretty good idea that hiding was just what he was doing. Why he was hiding, however, I needed to verify.
        Find him first. Then ask. Assuming he's in the mood to talk.

 ***

When Rina stumbled on to him, Joshua was sitting on the floor of the garage, his back up against a small box of parts. He was staring off into the distance, or at least as distant as the wall of the garage, and in his right hand was a small silver object, which he was absentmindedly rubbing between thumb and forefinger. Upon seeing her, he jerked slightly, as if startled. "Hi, Rina. Am I going to be in your way? I can leave if you need me to."

 ***

        "Please, don't. I'd rather you stay, if you don't mind the company." I hooked a plastic crate with my foot and slid it over, sitting down and planting my elbows on my knees. I put my back to the garage doors and jerked a thumb in their direction. "I never could take people in large numbers. Which, considering the household I grew up in, is a bit inexplicable."

 ***

"I don't mind people, usually. I just...", he paused briefly to rub his forehead, "...don't feel right being in there. I don't know them. They don't know me." He sighed, a long deep sigh. "Not to mention that I can't look them in the eye since I'm responsible for their son's death."

Before Rina could say anything, he waved his hand at her. "I know, I know. I've heard it from Nika. I shouldn't feel guilty about Jake, he made his own decisions after all. But even if that's true, it doesn't mean I don't feel it anyway." He shrugged his shoulders lightly. "We feel what we feel, right?"

 ***

        "We do." God knows, I knew that more than most. Paranoia was the root of most of it. That and sheer bad luck. "Reality perceived is reality achieved, Joshua, but sometimes it's better to get a second opinion. Or a sounding board. I can offer both if you need it."

 ***

He chuckled softly, a sound of almost desperate amusement. "I don't know what I need. The crew has been better to me than I deserve, honestly. You've taken me in when you didn't have to. Trusted me when you don't have a reason to. Cared for me when I was near helpless." He shook his head. "I feel...inadequate. Hell, that's not strong enough of a word. Let's say pointless."

 ***

        "If you like, I could beat on you til you feel better. I promise not to kill you." I didn't like the tone this conversation was taking and called him on it. "I don't know how much experience you've had in making your own decisions, Joshua, but you have to decide--now--if you want to make self-pity a cornerstone of that process. I'd think carefully before answering."

 ***

"Isn't it funny?" he asked. "I know that I'm drowning myself in pity, and all it does is make me realize what an idiot I am, which makes me feel sorry for myself, and the virtuous circle is complete." He stared at the silver between his fingers, which now that Rina was closer, was obviously a small silver cross on a necklace. He looked up at Rina. "You know what it is? I'm scared, Rina. I wanted...want freedom. But freedom is so much..." Another thoughtful pause. "...bigger than I realized."

 ***

        How many nights had I lain awake thinking that same thing, if for different reasons? How many days had I wasted looking over my shoulder convinced I'd blown it and would get taken out the second my back was turned? Fear. Loathing. Desperation. I’d lived them all and I understood the smothering weight of it, when all I wanted was to breathe. Aloud, I said, nodding at what he held in his hands, "Not to sound ominous or anything, but are you a religious man, Joshua?"

 ***

"No, though maybe I ought to be. Why?" As he said it, he looked down again and smiled very gently. "Oh, I had almost forgotten I had this. This was my mother's. I think. I don't remember her, really. Or any of my family, if I had any. But this, " and he held the necklace up, "I've had for as long as I can remember. Fuzzy images of a tall, beautiful woman wearing it. I choose to assume its my mother, even if it isn't true. One of the few things I took with me from the Academy and it makes me feel better when I'm feeling out of sorts."

 ***

        Dear God. He really is lost. What the hell did they do to him?
        Even Mike, as messed up as he'd been, had been spared losing his memories. There's considerable debate whether we are nothing but the sum of our memories, those elusive chemical illusions making us what we are, but from bitter experience I know that had I not grown up with my brothers and learned the lessons they'd taught me early, I wouldn't still be breathing. My family was dead to me now, and I to them...but I still had them, safe and immutable, in my head and heart and they still spoke to me when I needed them. When I chose to listen. But that was the most precious luxury of all: I could still choose. Joshua could stand in the wilderness and wait for a voice or a sign...and never get it.
        Not if what I suspected was true.
        "Joshua?" I asked when the silence between us grew long. "How much of a tabula rasa are you?"

 ***

Joshua thought about it for a moment. "I guess I'm blank as they get. I've spent most of my life that I can remember being other people. That's pretty blank, right?" He wasn't sure where she was going with this, but then again he wasn't he sure he cared where she went with it. If he ever wanted to be part of the family that the crew of the Gift obviously was, there couldn't be any holding back.

 ***

        "Pretty much, yes. That makes this easier and harder. Listen. As long as you stay out of reach of whoever pulled your strings, you have the chance to start over fresh. Your old life--or lives--no longer apply. From here on out, you get to choose who you are, what you do and what you believe. Learn to live life on your own terms." I sighed, adding, "And given our luck, the learning curve is going to be pretty steep, but you'll learn nonetheless. And we'll have your back while you do it."
        I took a chance and laid my hand over his and waited til he looked at me, held his eye when he did.
        "You're not the only one who's had to rip up his life like a piece of paper and start over. You're just in a unique position to do it more thoroughly. Instead of focusing on what you aren't, set yourself to finding out what you can be. Potential, not loss. Heroes aren’t just people who brave the bullets. They’re also people who get up in the morning, no matter how much it hurts, and carry on. If you have friends willing to help you do that, there's no shame in asking. The Universe rarely throws you a bone like that, Joshua. Don't squander it. She rarely forgives the insult."

 ***

"Can I ask you a question, Rina?" He rushed on without waiting for an answer. "Why? Why choose to help me? I mean, you didn't have to take this on. You could drop me off on a reasonable port somewhere, your job and duty done. And I would've understood - I come with a lot of baggage, some of it wearing blue gloves." It was really odd how much he cared about what the answer was. Perhaps no more surprising than how much he found he cared about the crew of the Gift and what they thought. He hadn't known them hardly long at all. Yet there it was. And if he admitted it to himself, half the reason he was hiding here in the garage. He had let them down and it had cost them their ship.

 ***

        I heard his words, my memories stirred in recognition, and I knew what it cost Joshua to say them.
        "I asked Mike the same question a long time ago," I finally said. "And his answer was, 'Why shouldn't I?' Why shouldn't we help you? And let me turn it around. Why did you help us on Trafalgar? We had no business being in that medical bay. We compromised your op. You would have been perfectly in your rights to shoot us or detain us. Or let Blondie puree our brains out our ears with that weapon of hers. Then you could have disposed of our bodies and gone back to your masters, their secrets kept. Why did you throw your lot with ours?"

 ***

"Compromising the op wasn't hard." He looked up briefly at the ceiling. "Ok, maybe that's a lie. I was scared. Really scared and that was before realizing Janitorial Services was there. But I've had enough of being responsible for getting other people hurt and killed. Most of the time I didn't know that was what was happening, but that's no excuse. But on the Trafalgar, I was right there. Up close and personal." He unconsciously clenched his fist. "I couldn't let more people get hurt. Maybe it was desperation to get out. Maybe it was a start on repentance for my sins, known and unknown. But I'm not sorry I did it. I'm just sorry that I've added my troubles to yours. You," waving his hands broadly referring to the ship, "deserve better."

 ***

        "A dear friend once told me that you can't have justice without inequity, charity without avarice, grace without sin. Good without evil. Maybe we do deserve better than what you've brought us, but if we had it, would you even be asking that question and weighing the consequences? And if not, how would that help you win your freedom? Maybe the point isn't the damage you might have done us, but the fact you tried to do the right thing without thinking of yourself first. If everyone demanded a guarantee of safety or comfort in exchange for doing the right thing, the Universe would be in sorrier shape than it's in already. And if that's the way it's supposed to work, the lesson of the Good Samaritan is rendered pointless. To say nothing of half the Bible."

 ***

"You're the second person on this ship I've turned into my confessional." He slowly shook his head. For someone who just said he wasn't religious, he kept using the imagery. "I'll try not to make it into a habit. But thank you, Rina. This has helped...I can see where my path leads...what I need to do as long as you and Nika and Arden and Rick'll have me." He put his hands on the ground and pushed himself to standing. "I just hope you'll bear with me while I learn a whole new job. Learn a whole new life. A whole new universe, for that matter. When I said things were bigger than I expected, I was understating things. Gone from pure order to pure chaos, it feels like."

 ***

        "If you make a habit of whining, I'll make a habit of slamming you into next week for doing it. Trust me, if you make a nuisance of yourself, I'll let you know." I grinned to soften my words, even though I meant every syllable. "As for the chaos? Sometimes adversity is merely opportunity in disguise. You just have to look at things differently to take advantage of it. Speaking of which...." I rose and dusted off, not because I'd picked up anything dirty--the Abergs kept a clean shop--but to give time for the words to sink in. "You can practice on that now, starting with that lot out there." I nodded toward the yard outside. "Baby steps, Joshua. Nothing flashy or fast, but it'll get you where you need to go. And this time, you won't be going alone."

 ***

Joshua nodded. "Thank you again. I've not had a lot of opportunity, or adversity for that matter in my life up to now. I'm sure that's about to change." He pocketed his necklace and paused in front of Rina briefly, looking like he wasn't sure whether he should hug her, shake her hand, or something else. He settled for a brief smile and headed toward the yard.

 ***

        I noticed his hesitation and let him decide what to do about it. It starts now, I’d said to him. Coddling him wouldn’t do him any favors, the way it hadn’t done me any, so I didn’t stop him when he walked on. I simply watched him go, a small man wrestling with big problems, asking some of the biggest questions in the Universe. He had doubts but he had heart and, I thought, the grit to stay the course. I let him put some distance between us to allow him his space and followed in his wake. There was a funeral to attend and goodbyes to be said, and obligations of friendship to honor. I tipped my face to the sky and sent up a prayer for the departed and added another for those still living. Then the Abergs hailed us as we drew near and to a man, took us in.

I had a lot of fun RPing this with Andy, our first together. Catch more of his work using the timeline links below.

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