You Can't Always Get What You Want
A quiet moment after the storm and Andy was willing to share it with me. Thanks, Andy!--Maer.
Monday, 27 Oct 2021
Durance class, Exeter
En route to Boros
Georgia (Huang Long) system
1545hrs, ship’s time
Potemkin was done. Half an hour of pitched battle and it was all over. Stitches. Mercs. Bullets. Blades. We’d bested everything he’d thrown at us. But not without cost. Summer’s Gift was a blasted out hulk and Nika … Nika’s beautiful blue eyes could no longer see, ruined by the toxic waste Potemkin had stashed aboard.
Standing now on the bridge of Exeter, my heart ached with the knowledge that she couldn’t see it. I knew how much she’d yearned for a fast ship, a shiny ship like she’d flown for half her adult life. On Exeter’s bridge, it took little effort to imagine Harbinger’s. It would have been much like this one. The pilot’s seat took pride of place, its yoke and console centered on the deck. Helm and copilot sat at the bridge windows forward, flanked by Comms and Engineering. With all the consoles up and running, it was blazing away like Christmas. I couldn’t bear to look at it. I gave it my back and walked aft to engineering.
It felt exceedingly strange. Nothing was familiar and yet … echoes of Janus tugged at me. Aside from the bridge, it was nothing huge or strikingly alike. It was the little touches. The framing of the corridors. The paint job on the deck and bulkheads. The fixtures. The way the atmo smelled. All subtle, but packing a punch. I trailed my fingertips along the walls and listened to the engines as I drew closer. C, G, middle C, and E. It was a chord that had sung me to sleep, soothed my hurts, and fed my spirit for three years. I’d missed it. And yet …
Stop. Don’t go there. She’s gone. They’re both gone.
I didn’t see the conference room or the crew quarters on my way back. The crew lounge barely blipped on my radar. I hit the aft corridor and scaled the four steps to the engine room and stood on the threshold listening. C, G, middle C, and E. Say what you want about Potemkin, he knew how to keep his ship running well. Or maybe he hadn’t had her long enough to make a botch of it. With a bastard like Potemkin, it was hard to tell.
The engine room was much like the bridge. Bigger. Beefier. More bells and whistles. More like what Nika and I had known and loved before. Normally I’d be like a kid at Christmas in the middle of all the shiny but Christmas had come on the heels of a funeral. Summer’s Gift was a blasted-out hulk. Nika’s were eyes beyond repair. The ship’s engines sang in the voice of my first love lost. I leaned on the jamb and crossed my arms and tried to shut it out. But Exeter hummed through the deckplates, sang through my bones, and there was no escaping her or the memories she stirred, past and present. So I stood and bore it and waited for the pain to pass.
---
Joshua stepped away from the pilot's seat for a minute. As he stood next to it, looking out the cockpit window, he thought, It ought to be Nika's seat. It felt somehow...wrong...to be the first of the crew to fly the Exeter. It should've been Nika's honor. But Potemkin had taken that away from her. He had taken so many things and this last one was the most brutal. But Joshua refused to let this last one be permanent. There had to be a way to restore Nika's vision. The crew and their shiny new ship would just have to find it.
As he came out of his thoughts, Joshua realized he had been standing there, looking into the Black for over ten minutes. I need a break. He needed to go check on Rina in the medbay. She ought to be resting, since she almost died at the hands of the stitches. But Joshua knew the woman he loved. So he wasn't in the least bit surprised to find her missing from her bed when he arrived at the medbay.
His next stop was an easy decision. Rina was where he expected her to be, standing in front of the engine, lost in communion with the mechanical spirit of the ship. Rather than interrupt her, he just stood there waiting. He was patient and they had time.
---
There was a scrape, a whisper of sound behind me, hardly loud enough to be heard over the engines but like the faint chime of coin hitting a noisy city street, it tugged at my ear and made me turn around and look. Joshua. I turned back to the engine again and got myself in order. My face was wet.
Huh. When did that happen? Never mind. Status report.
“Spinning like a top,” I said, wiping my face before turning around again. “No doubt she’s got her quirks but right now, she’s behaving herself. How’re things up front?”
God, it was lame. Most social niceties are, but somehow convention makes them work and smoothes the way. And right now, I needed a little smoothing.
---
"Things up front are fine." Joshua eyed her assorted wounds, making sure Rina took notice of his pointed stares. "Want to tell me why you're not resting in medbay? Or at least in your room?"
---
"I have a room?" I really didn't want to have this conversation right now.
---
"A ship this size probably has enough that you can have your pick." He frowned as he focused on her face, and saw the remains of her tears. She was really upset about something. Not that he should be surprised. There was a lot to be upset about. "If you're not going to make me feel better by going to rest, wanna tell me what's on your mind?" As he said it, he stepped forward and took her left hand into his.
---
I should have known he wouldn’t take the hint.
"Too much." Might as well tell the truth. "Too much on my mind. Too tangled up." Pull a thread. See what you get. I gave his hand a squeeze and moved to one of the consoles. The flow chart of the reactor, it turned out. I watched the diodes glow and blink and recalled my words to Joshua. Spinning like a top.
---
Before, he would have asked again what was wrong. But that was before Kiera telling the crew that it was her reaction to his well-intentioned efforts to help her that had sparked the chain of events which cost them the Gift. And Nika's eyes. So he let it go. He stood there behind her watching her watch the instrumentation for a minute, then said, "Just promise me you'll check in with Arden soon, okay? Those painkillers he gave you won't last too much longer."
---
Thus Joshua backed off and freed from having to talk about my feelings paradoxically removed my need to be stoic about them. I let go a breath, tipped my head back and let my shoulders go slack. It only pointed up my tension and the crick in my neck stabbed.
"Joshua, wait." I turned and took his hand and pulled him to the sweet spot, the one point on the deck where everything acoustically came together. I turned him just so and stepped back. "Listen."
And fell silent, waiting for the moment he'd hear it.
---
He stood there quietly, listening to the sound of the engine. Different from the Gift, but everything was different at the moment. Was that the problem? "The engine noise is different. Does it bother you?" He felt helpless in this. He understood her love of machines, but he didn't have that same love, that same feel for them that she did. Much like Nika could teach him to fly but not make him a pilot, Rina could teach him to fix things, but she'd never make him into a mechanic.
---
He'd instinctively grasped the gist, even if he couldn't fully appreciate it as I did. Even so, it gave me the opening I needed.
"Different from the Gift, too much the same as ... well, let's just say she's gone too."
I slipped my arms around him from behind, closed my eyes, and listened. My left ear was hard up against his back and my other ear was free. The sound of his heart and lungs made an unusual counterpoint to the pulse of the engines and it didn't take much to imagine the man and the ship as the dual mainsprings of my sanity.
And right now, neither is in synch with you. Figures.
"God, listen to me. I'm whining." I grimaced at the general air. "It's just memories kicking me when I'm down, Joshua. I'll get over it."
---
"Hey, now." He rubbed her hands, the only part of her he could see and really touch. "You've got the right to whine. Been a rough couple weeks. But we're alive and that's something to take pleasure in, right?" He remembered his heart nearly stopping when he had seen Beglan carrying her motionless body onto the hover truck. They were alive, despite all the odds and he didn't plan to let anyone forget that amazing fact.
---
"Please don't patronize, Joshua." I regretted it the instant I said it but there was no taking my words back. At this point, it was all damage control. I ducked under his arm and faced him square. "I'm sorry. That was mean and petty and I shouldn't have said it. You said nothing but the truth and with the purest of intentions and I slammed you for it. I’m sorry."
---
He stiffened as she said it. He knew she didn't really mean it, but her barb had stabbed him in a sensitive place. "Yeah, I'll try not to be so optimistic and caring in the future. Last time I did it, the target of my 'purest of intentions' sold us out to a sadistic psychopath who tortured us and cost us the only real home I've ever known. Never let it be said that I don't learn anything from my experiences." He pulled her away from her and started walking towards the exit from the engine room. In the doorway, he stopped briefly.
"Please don't forget to go by medical," he said, not turning around. If he turned around, then he would be forced to confront the fact that he was making another mistake right now. But right now, he needed...wanted to punish himself for getting them all in this situation to start with. "I love you and would prefer you were healed up when it is time to get married. Assuming that's not patronizing."
---
Shit. Now I've done it.
I bridged the distance between us in three long strides and caught him by the hand. Bridging the emotional distance wouldn’t that easy, but I had to try.
"You're not. It isn't. I'm a bitch and you deserve better. God's truth, Joshua." I sat on the top step at the threshold and gently tugged his hand to join me there. "I lost a ship I loved on account of a shestiorka bastard and even though I swore I'd never let it happen to me again, it did. I lost a Captain once, though I gave him my all and delivered what he ordered, and right now? I did what Nika asked and I fucked it up and look at her, Joshua. I managed to give her an option other than dying with the Gift but without her eyes, does it even matter? The way she feels right now, I doubt it. And it doesn't help that I can't find anything when I need it, nothing feels exactly right, and I'm a traitorous slut for liking Exeter when our girl's not even cold yet. So ...," I gusted a frustrated breath. "I'm feeling raw and kindness just rubbed me the wrong way. It's not your fault. That one's on me. Please don't--don't blame yourself for what I said, okay? Besides," I added, "as for your good intentions getting us into this mess? Again, not your fault. It would have come to nothing if I hadn't gotten involved in it. Kiera said she did everything to get back at me, not you. And I'm not grabbing unearned guilt there, either. Kiera told us loud and clear what she wanted when she turned our girl over to Potemkin. Loud and clear."
My neck was starting to ache craning up to look at him.
"Just so you're clear, I want you to know that no matter what happens, I love you and I'd marry you right now if Nika would do the honors. She's still Captain and we're in the Black. There's nothing to stop it if we're of a mind."
---
"First causes, Rina. The only reason she was angry with you was because she had unloaded on me and you were defending me." He shook his head as he sat down slowly next to Rina on the step. "It doesn't matter. What's done is done." Rina was depressed and angry and needed him. Yet all the optimistic thoughts in his head that normally bubbled up were refusing to come up. He was like the puppy smacked with the newspaper to teach it a lesson. And what hurt was even knowing that, he couldn't make himself say what needed to be said.
---
"Fair enough." I said, hating to argue. I felt him give in when he sat down and guessing the cause, I pulled him to me and kissed him. Bodies said what the heart felt far better than words and I let mine do the talking for me.
---
He could feel some of the tension that had been building in his shoulders loosen with the kiss. He held it for a long time before finally letting it go and looking at her, sadness in his eyes. "Is it so wrong to try and weigh the positives we have, Rina?"
---
"No. " God, was there anything I could say or do to make his eyes his own again? The sadness ill became him and I hated knowing I was the cause. "It was wrong for me to dismiss it. It belittled you and that was wrong. Don't stop weighing the positives. We all need the reminder, especially now."
---
"I guess so." He stood up and reached his hand to her. "Come on, let's get you to the medbay. To be honest, I don't even know why you haven't passed out. Too much of a stubborn wench, I suppose." The faintest traces of a smile crossed his face.
---
“ ‘Wench’?” A tiny tendril of relief crept through me at his smile. I rose and took his hand and dredged up a smile in return. “Is that better than ‘bitch’?”
---
He nodded. "You didn't know that? There's a whole hierarchy." Joshua hated when they argued, even these little short disagreements. They left him feeling off-kilter and much too alone.
That's love for you.
---
"Oh," I said as if struck by something new. "So, in ascending level of severity where 'jerk' is the least offensive and 'stone-hearted shitheel' is the worst, where would you put 'wench'? Kinda-sorta... here?" I waved a vague gesture about yea-high off the deck, trying for a little levity to lighten our mood.
---
“Wench is about 3.4 on the scale—it indicates the person is trouble but well loved.” He smiled and kissed her. “No more stalling. Arden has a medbay table with your name on it.”
---
“And you’ve got a wench with your name on her.” I said and quickly kissed him back. “Name. Lips. Hands. It’s all good. If you’ll have her.”
As to the rest of it, even I wondered why I hadn’t collapsed yet. The adrenaline had worn off and standing up hurt. I put my arm around Joshua and tried to make it seem I merely wanted to hug him all the way to medbay but in actuality, I needed the support. By the time we’d crossed the crew lounge, I was gritting my teeth from the effort to keep moving and by the time Joshua got me back where I belonged, I was blowing hard. Joshua was in little better shape and I knew if he’d been able to, he’d have swept me up like the romantic leads in his favorite vids and carried me the rest of the way. One painkiller injection later, the agony receded somewhat, making me lightheaded … to say nothing of giddy. I watched him dispose of the sharps and said, my tongue going thick as the opiate took hold.
“There’s room for two on here, you know.” I patted the blanket he’d pulled over me, blinking as the room began to swim. “What’s good for the goose is good for the gander. Or should I say what’s good for the duck is good for the drake?”
Oh my yes. Giddy and witty. Perhaps I should get creamed more often.
Or so I tried to say but I couldn’t get the words to leave my head.
---
"Actually, I'm doing okay, love. For once, I was not the one in the middle of hand to hand combat. And Arden did that surgery on me back in the gulag, remember?" He watched Rina as she started to drift off into sleep. "Of course, with those drugs, I'd be surprised if you remembered much of anything right now. Besides I have too much to do. Ship won't run itself." Rina was going to be out for a while along with Kiera. Not counting, of course, the trust issue with their former passenger. Arden would be performing surgeries and watching over them. And Nika...well, he didn't know how he was going to handle her yet. Thank God for Beglan. Not only had he saved their asses from Roskov (and Joshua shuddered at how close it had been) but he was invaluable keeping the ship running right now.
Joshua ran a hand through Rina's hair. "Sleep, okay? I'll be here when you wake up."
---
"m'Okay...," I managed. I tried to grab his hand for a kiss and missed, the drugs making me clumsy. All I could do was lean into his touch and relish it, fighting to stay awake.
---
He waited another five minutes until the drugs had finally taken her under before calling Arden over. Most people would have been under in less than a minute. She really was a stubborn wench. Alright, little nanobots in my head, he thought wryly, time to get ready to change me over. My fiancée needs some medical assistance and you're going to help me provide it.
Joshua leaned down and kissed Rina on the forehead before going to get scrubbed up to assist Arden. He had a long day ahead of him.
---
To read more on Joshua, go to Joshua's Crew Page
Go back to: Timeline Season Four, April 2521 to Dec 2521
Go to Peripatetica - Rina's Journal entry and RP log
Go to Rina's Russian Glossary
Go to Rina's Crew Page
Go to EPISODES or TIMELINE
