1001 and more Things that the worst party in Eberron is forbidden from doing/page 2

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  1. No Erandis D'Vol is not Fistdantilius's daughter or Skeletor's sister or the girl from the Corpse Bride.
  2. Stop spreading rumors that Merrix D'Cannith runs a chocolate factory with a Xen'drick orange gnome race and that you can get in by finding golden tickets hidden worldwide.
  3. Marish the shifter girl cat is not McDonalds, no matter how many she's served.
  4. Do not refer to Henchmen crew as "Red Shirts".
  5. Do not play Taps when we're exiting the ship with the Henchmen crew just recruited.
  6. We have a high enough fatality rate as it is, do not PK because you're having a really bad day at work and we've got a cleric with raise dead finally.
  7. Alf is not our god nor is Long John Silver's our Temple. I don't even want to know how you came up with that link.
  8. On a related note, Optimus Prime is not the warforged god and it is wrong to tell them so.
  9. I am not the Dread Pirate Roberts, though I may kill you today.
  10. 458 through 460. NO you cannot invent Gunpowder!
  11. Singing "The Bare Necessities" is not a good way to endear yourself to a subsistence-living Bugbear tribe.
  12. Crew members Raistlin Majere, Drizzt Do'Urden, Kenshin Himora, and any variations on these above will be forced to fight to the death in a battle royal.
  13. And the winner's killed.
  14. You are not allowed to use a halfling to go 'Dino fishing'.
  15. You are not allowed to use a Fireball to go Dino giggin'.
  16. The party cleric is not "Dr. Feelgood".
  17. You are not allowed to ho out the shifter girl for 5 gp per trick.
  18. It's 10 gp per trick.
  19. You are not dating the Daughters of Sora Kell.
  20. Errandis d'Vol is not to be refered to as "Lichie Lich".
  21. Or "That dried-up old Lich".
  22. You are not allowed to train an army of kobolds and name them "Tucker's Kobolds".
  23. Even if your name IS Tucker.
  24. The warforged juggernaut is NOT the ship's anchor.
  25. Nor is he the airship's 'emergency brake'.
  26. Fnord does not exist.
  27. Getting the bard to play the Star Wars theme and begging the cleric to tell you to "use the Force" while you magic missile the portholes of enemy ships is expressly forbidden.
  28. Suggesting to the captain that he acquire a regiment of Karnnathi dead for use as marines and rechristen the "Forgotten Freedom" the "Black Pearl" merits being marooned with a hand crossbow and one bolt on the Ring of Syberys.
  29. Bards inclined to perform Wagner's "The Ride of the Valkyries" durring strafing runs will be sent below decks forthwith.
  30. Questioning Kalashtar crew members as to how "Harvey" is doing, asking whether or not they had a "prodigal roommate" in college, or making any references to the possibility of their entire race being a bunch of paranoid schizophrenics is frowned upon....even though it's so true.
  31. Use of divinations to see what Pontiff Jaela is going to look like when she hits puberty is forbidden unless the rest of the crew is invited to see as well.
  32. "Cause we're pirates!" is not an excuse for any action I choose to do.
  33. I do not fear a crocodile that took my hand.
  34. The first mate is not to be referred to as Smee.
  35. My mortal enemy is not Peter Pan.
  36. We will not ask the artificer to build a laser sword with guns on it that shoots other swords.
  37. If we did, I would own it.
  38. Shooting a man in the face because he asked for my identification is not an acceptable response...
  39. Especially when we paid for fake IDs.
  40. Queen Aurala is not the villainess in the movie "Willow".
  41. No referring to the Engine Room chief as "Scotty".
  42. Even if he is from the part of Breland they wear kilts in.
  43. Pirates cannot survive falls of a million feet because we're Pirates and thus awesome.
  44. It is wrong to test this on others.
  45. It is wrong to put on a hockey mask and take a machete to chase co-eds around Lakes or Universities.
  46. I don't care if you were really drunk when you did it.
  47. Being a shapechanged druid does not give you permission to hump people's legs.
  48. Or any other part of their body.
  49. There are no crocodiles in the sewers of Sharn.
  50. It is wrong to add them.
  51. We do not have phasers or photon torpedoes.
  52. Prince Jurian will not be "hoisted by his own petard" whenever we find him.
  53. The proper response for disobediance from the shifter is bread and water at meal times, not spanking.
  54. Illithids do not worship "Great Cthulhu".
  55. When attacking a Riedran Stronghold guarded by Beholders, Elementalists, and Martial Artists... we do not do our best to act out Big Trouble From Little China.
  56. There is not only one true God whose name is Keith Baker.
  57. It is wrong to tell Worshippers of the Silver Flame that they worship a bunch of dead feathered snakes.
  58. Rakshasas are not to be referred to as "Tony".
  59. Vengeance from the Boramar clan does not take the form of a Fish being delivered into the coat of an enemy.
  60. You are not going to convince the head of the Boramar clan that he needs you as a psychiatrist.
  61. It is wrong to use suggestion to convince Prince Oargev he's gay.
  62. Umbragen will not be referred to as "the shrill-voiced drow wannabes".
  63. The Keep on the Borderlands is not Little nor is it inhabited by a bunch of wholesome homesteaders.
  64. There's no such thing as Gnome Gninjas.
  65. Even if there were, the extra silent "G" doesn't make them any more deadly.
  66. We will not christen our next airship any of the following:
    The Hindenberg
    The Titanic
    Fireball XL5
    Prometheus
    Daedalus
    Definitely not Icarus
    Any numeral preceeded by any variation on the word 'Thunderbird'
    Laputa
    Cloudbase
    Aundair Force One
  67. The Kalashtar Soulknife is not a Jedi.
  68. You will not use Unseen Servant in that manner. I don't care if it feels nice.
  69. Kalashtar do not have a little angel and/or a little devil on their shoulder.
  70. The Burning Ring is not your personal sandbox.
  71. No, you cannot call LoB "Ah-nold, the Governator". It would inflate his ego.
  72. You shall not call Clevis the Kalashtar Soulknife "Cleavage".
  73. Even if I made it up.
  74. Prince Oargev is not Aragorn.
  75. The Skyway is not Laputa.
  76. The warforged is forbidden to complain that because he can't get drunk, high, or laid, he has nothing to do at night.
  77. The warforged is not just a garbage can with sparks coming out of it.
  78. And the sparks do not keep him warm.
  79. The handshake will not be replaced by the "skullpunch" no matter how much you want it to be.
  80. The changeling is forbidden to be alone with a full length mirror.
  81. Not all bridges of Sharn cast Featherfall, and leaping over the sides of each is not a good method to determine which do.
  82. Wrapping an unconscious hostage in a cloak will do little to dissuade suspicion when you march through Morgrave with him over your shoulder.
  83. I will not use the pyromancer's wands to perform a drum solo.
  84. I will evenly divvy up the loot from the bad guys. Unless someone is bigger/has a bigger weapon then me.
  85. Then he gets everything.
  86. The warforged was not built by 'Cyberdyne'.
  87. I will not drag race the airship.
  88. Especially if I'm drunk.
  89. I will not outfit the airship with nitrous.
  90. Or 'spinners'.
  91. The airship will not time warp at 88 miles per hour, and I should not try to make it do so.
  92. If the Captain should say "Make It So" or "Engage" before heading out, or if he should stand up and tug his shirt down with both hands, he shall be punished by being hoist on his own Picard.
  93. Davy Jones's Locker is not the closet of a member of the Monkees.
  94. Nor is that Davy Jones a pirate.
  95. Keith Baker is not a character in Eberron nor would he be a huge sexual dynamo old man wizard.
  96. Half-Elves are not to be referred to as the Diet Rum of Elfdom.
  97. Nor are they to be called Tanis.
  98. Eberron does not have gatling guns, pistols, machine guns, cannons, artillery, or nukes.
  99. If it did have Nukes, we would probably go for a much more small-scale weapon in our weapon's runs.
  100. Droaam is not a Dungeon.
  101. We do not go to Droaam to 'Level Up'.
  102. The best response for Droaam is not "Hack n' Slash all night long".
  103. We do not start conversations with NPCs with the words "How much EXP are you worth?"
  104. Mordain Fleshweaver is not to be asked if he can give you a tattoo.
  105. Or give you bigger boobs or other extremities.
  106. We'll drop the "official list" at 1001 and keep adding on for fun... again if no one else wants to take it over (I can't update again because I'm webpage illiterate).
  107. He cannot make you look like an anime character.
  108. You do not look like an anime character already.
  109. Mordain Fleshweaver is not to be treated like a plastic surgeon at all.
  110. Nor are Daelkyr.
  111. Time Machines cannot be built in Eberron.
  112. If they could be, they would not be used to go into the future to get energy weapons.
  113. Or to go hang out with robots.
  114. Or to play Shadowrun.
  115. The Shadow Marches are not Mordor.
  116. Nor does the Shadow live there next to a volcano you can defeat him by throwing his ring into it.
  117. Do not refer to Half-Orcs as Uruk-Hai.
  118. Do not refer to Half-Orcs as "It's a damn pity that someone crazzaped on your face... oh that is your face?"
  119. House Cannith will not be referred to as Enron.
  120. House Deneith will not be referred to as Rent-a-Cop.
  121. House Lysander will not be referred to as Delta.
  122. House Jorasco will not be referred to as Saint Elsewhere.
  123. House Phiarlan and House Thuranni will not be referred to as Dark and Darkerer.
  124. House Vol was not the Addam's Family.
  125. The Age of Worms will not be a time of great food poisoning.
  126. The Ebon Triad is not a black rock band.
  127. All Aurala needs is not "a little loving" to decide to give peace a chance.
  128. We will NOT refer to the city of Thronehold as "A wretched hive of scum and villainy".
  129. Or Sharn.
  130. The Prime Minister of Breland will not be referred to as "Senator Palpatine".
  131. Or Supreme Chancellor Palpatine.
  132. We will not expect him to dissolve the council permanently when Boranal dies.
  133. Even if the Rebellion continues to gain support in the Senate.
  134. That is not why Merrix is building a laser on the moon... or as he calls it... his "Death Star".
  135. This is not Star Wars and the Lord of Blades is not your character's rebuilt father.
  136. Nor will the Lord of Blades become the Prime Minister's chief enforcer after he declares himself Emperor.
  137. You cannot blow up the Moon of Eberron by firing a fireball into its thermal exhaust port, right above the main port.
  138. You cannot build a airskiff that resembles an X-Wing.
  139. Jaela will not be pronounced Jaina nor does she have a brother named Jacen.
  140. We will not refer to the ship as an abattoir.
  141. No matter how many crew have died.
  142. Argonessan is not an Epic Level Dungeon.
  143. Or an Epic Level Campaign setting.
  144. Delayed blast Fireball will not be referred to as the Dragonslave.
  145. Your flaming sword is not the Sword of Light.
  146. You are not the Slayers or the redheaded small busted female magic user Lina Inverse.
  147. No matter how many people you kill.
  148. You will not steal Pontiff Jaela's carriage.
  149. Nor is it to be referred to as her Popemobile.
  150. Pontiff Jaela will not bring about a Cataclysm by challenging the gods, you're just using that as a justification to kidnap her.
  151. We do not "parlay" with prisoners.
  152. ...especially not for sexual favors.
  153. Even if they are hot.
  154. There is no such thing as a Pirate's Code.
  155. Nor should there be.
  156. Even if they are more guidelines.
  157. Valenar is not currently being menaced by Ganondorf Dragmire.
  158. Nor do they have a Triforce we should assemble.
  159. And their Princess is not named Zelda.
  160. Xen'drick is an island of mystery and wonders, it is not a place that is the dumping ground for everything that doesn't fit in the rest of the setting.
  161. Queen Aurala is not Kate Blanchett.
  162. Even if that would make you like her more.
  163. The Drow Trilogy of Modules cannot be played by simply substituting Queen Aurala as the secret goddess of the Umbragen.
  164. Into the Barrier Peaks will never be played ANYWHERE in Eberron.
  165. The module Castle Ravenloft is not how King Kaius became a vampire nor is he after a girl named Tatyana.
  166. Just because they are in the Constellations exist does not mean that the Dragon Triad is the same as the gods of Dragonlance or even the Forgotten Realms.
  167. The Esoteric Order of Aurreon is not to be referred to as "The Poor Man's Order of High Sorcery".
  168. They are not the Masons either.
  169. Riedra is not the 'most boringest' place on Eberron.
  170. Nor does Walt Disney rule it.
  171. The secret ingrediant to making warforged is not PEOPLE.
  172. It is wrong to tell warforged this.
  173. The Aristocrats is not an example of Aerenal Humor.
  174. It is wrong to tell Warforged this.
  175. Valenar Warhorses are not fed People either as the secret to producing them.
  176. It is wrong to tell Karrnathians this.
  177. Dragon's blood is not to be slipped into King Boranal's drink during a state dinner.
  178. If the female captive refuses to dine with the Captain, she will not dine with the crew naked.
  179. No matter how the crew wants it.
  180. If the Forgotten Freedom crashes on an island, we will not have Kate from Lost with us and wacky adventures as we explore the island. We will just most likely starve and or escape.
  181. Merrix D'Cannith doesn't have a brother named Doctor Moreau who works with Broken Ones.
  182. Khyber is not an Epic Level Dungeon.
  183. Nor can we make huge amounts of EXP by just collapsing the rocks on it.
  184. Lizardmen are not Voodoo-worshipping Creole.
  185. A human sacrifice is not the proper way to appease Kol Korran.
  186. Dol Dorn is not "like Dol Arrah" except badass and honorless and a guy.
  187. The King's Citadel does not have a secret enemy in SD-6 that is helped against by half-elf Sydney Bristow.
  188. Nor can I play this character.
  189. It is wrong to tell Warforged that he was built by a Doctor Light and he can gain the abilities of warforged he kills that were constructed by Doctor Wily.
  190. Prince Adal is not a transvestite and we will not return him to Queen Aurala in a dress... in public.
  191. I/we/you will not use the "213 Things That Skippy Is Not Allowed To Do" as a guideline for annoying others.
  192. Exceptions will be made on a case-by-case basis when I will personally find it to be funny.
  193. For the last time, NONE of us are Batman.
  194. I have not yet decided if it is wrong to tell Warforged this.
  195. Nor will we use it to run an express delivery service for a senile researcher in Sharn.
  196. The ancient orcish shaman who tells you to leave those ruins alone is not doing that because "he's got something totally sweet stashed in there".
  197. You don't get to rough him up, kill him, or otherwise incapacitate him and go look...
  198. ...unless and until I see some manner of documented proof of your ability to perform exorcisms and/or banishments. The real kind. No more waving your arms and shouting "ooga booga."
  199. Just because the cleric heals you doesnt mean he likes you.
  200. All warforged repair kits lack Duct Tape, and are therefore worthless.
  201. "I wish [the captain, the first officer, the bad guy, the DM] would shut up" is a waste of a Wish spell, and will get you keel hauled.
  202. Halflings are not all named Gollum.
  203. Short shifters are not Ewoks.
  204. Tall shifters are not Wookiees.
  205. Wizards and sorcerers will not cast Polymorph spells with the words "Form of..." or "Shape of..."
  206. Sharn is not an airship obstacle course.
  207. The Awakend oak tree, Oalian, is not to be referred to as 'Woody'.
  208. You are not authorized to sell loggging permits for the Eldeen Reaches.
  209. Whether Warforged have souls is irrelevant, stop trying to sell them one.
  210. You do not kick ass for the Lord. No, not even the paladin.
  211. A Tarrasque on the loose cannot be solved by "Summoning Mothra".
  212. Stop handing out religious tracts with explosive runes inside.
  213. You sell them, material components don't grow on trees.
  214. "Bluevine" is a wine, not a curse.
  215. Waking the captain by sloshing water in his face and yelling "We're going down, save yourself!" is not funny.
  216. Unless he runs onto deck wearing only his boots and his Wally Warforged pajamas. Then it's hilarious.
  217. Warforged do not have ignition keys.
  218. An air elemental powered airship is not a 'hybrid'.
  219. Don't whiz on lightning coach conductor stones.
  220. Don't swap a House Sivis sending stone for an ordinary rock.
  221. Krakens don't make good calamari.
  222. Rigging the privy lid with a Fire Trap is just wrong.
  223. Funny, but wrong.
  224. The Sphere of Annihilation is not to be used to play dodgeball.
  225. Dont use beads of force to play marbles, either.
  226. Mustn't use the airship to write 'SURRENDER DOROTHY' over Sharn.
  227. Flamekeep is still fair game, though.
  228. Musn't reply to the bad guy's tirade with, "Oh, I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention."
  229. And don't ask "Do you want fries with that?" either.
  230. The bard is to refrain from singing songs by Celine d'Ion at all times.
  231. We mean it.
  232. There is no Sarah Connor, so I mustn't send the warforged out to find her.
  233. The airship is named Forgotten Freedom, not the Satellite of Love.
  234. The Lord of Blades does not drink Mad Dog WD-40.
  235. Blood-drinking, evil, undead, soul-stealing horrors are VAMPIRES, not lawyers.
  236. 'Ill hit the brakes and he'll fly right by' never works in airship to airship combat, so I should not try it.
  237. The captain must not start each trip by shouting "NEXT STOP, XORIAT".
  238. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
  239. Whoever put the "We brake for no one!" bumper sticker on the back of the ship must step forward.
  240. It is wrong to post bounties on law enforcement officials pursuing us.
  241. Spreading tales of the "Head of Vecna" to kill competing but stupid adventurers is not a good way to clear the gene pool of deadwood.
  242. Law enforcement personnel shall not be referred to as Inspector Zenigata.
  243. The first mate is not a title for my concubine.
  244. Neither is second mate.
  245. Queen Aurala does not own a flying broom.
  246. Throneport is not made of emeralds so stop telling the warforged that it is.
  247. Inspector Gadget is not a Reforged with countless attachments.
  248. It is wrong to try the "Would you believe" joke from Get Smart on villains.
  249. It is wrong to spread rumors of Queen Aurala's demise.
  250. Then introduce the "Ding Dong" song to the locals to sing.
  251. No, it is not conceivably possible to make Queen Aurala hate us more.
  252. Or King Kaius.
  253. Boranal is still smarting over the duck incident.
  254. Poor innocent Jaela has no idea...
  255. It is wrong to polymorph dragons into bunnies that keep their hit dice and attack bonuses.
  256. Even if you hire a wizard named Tim to warn people off.
  257. Do not use Ghosts to age Jaela.
  258. It is wrong to break the Manifest Zone with Sharn and the Plane of Air to kill everyone.
  259. Especially for the EXP.
  260. Oalian does not talk extremely slow nor does he have any draughts that will make you taller.
  261. Half-Orcs do not have larger genitalia and it is wrong to tell girls this.
  262. Black Mages were not persecuted for centuries because of the color of their magic.
  263. It is wrong to try and base a Drow on Malcolm X.
  264. Even if he's from Xen'drick.
  265. Do not point to the Seven Sisters as an example of how Aurala should behave.
  266. Especially if you end the sentence... Slutty and Immortal.
  267. The artificer does not have a Quori named Six in his head... or if he does, we're a little surprised she's so attractive.
  268. When I said "Queen Aurala does not own a flying broom", that was not implying we should have sent her one. Now whoever did it step forward.
  269. I will not write Limericks about the Queen to make amends with her.
  270. Especially not on the side of her castle.
  271. I will not ask King Kaius to shout out "Vae Victus(sp)" just for kicks.
  272. I will not ponder out loud the similarities between him and some noble who was corrupted with vampirism by choice, used, and wanted revenge.
  273. I will never, ever, ever again call King Kaius Batman. Especially not in his presence, and especially not while he is in bat form.
  274. I will not sell tourists exclusive bridge-building rights between the upper towers and Skyway.
  275. Unless the Captain gets at least a 50% share of all proceeds.
  276. I will not do a barrel roll.
  277. I will not do a barrel roll.
  278. I will not do a barrel roll.
  279. I will not perform an aerial water drop to put out the temple of the Silver Flame.
  280. The Glowing Chasm is not the latest manifestation of the Silver Flame.
  281. It is wrong to tell Paladins this.
  282. ...but if you can convince a few Cardinals, nobody we know will miss them.
  283. There are no tribes of clawfoot-riding Halflings who wear beards, dark goggles and black leather jackets with studs on the back spelling out 'Khyber's Couatls'.
  284. The Demon Wastes are not the Ashlands, nor does a Rakshasa Rajah named Dagoth Ur live in the volcano north of Ashtakala.
  285. And even if he does, you are not the true Nerevarine.
  286. At the lightning rail station, you are not allowed to respond to the House Orien guards with: "Traveling papers? We don't need no stinking traveling papers!"
  287. Kundarak Bank is not Gringots.
  288. Even if goblins are sometimes employed there.
  289. And there is no Diagon Alley in Sharn.
  290. When surrounded by Xen'drick drow after stealing their ancient idol, speaking Jovitos will not save your party.
  291. Nor can you command said drow to attack your rivals through hissing and sign language.
  292. The following character concept is prohibited: A dwarf artificer who became an adventurer after discovering a Myconid Kingdom in Khyber by traveling through the sewer pipes of Sharn."
  293. No character can cast fireball after eating a flower, regardless of concept.
  294. You cannot stump Merrix d'Cannith by asking him: "What is the riddle of steel?"
  295. Telling a warforged the answer to said riddle may cost you your life.
  296. You shall not paint Riedran monoliths in bright colors.
  297. Even if it is in accordance with your druidic holiday.
  298. A warforged repair kit does not contain a hydrospanner.
  299. The Mror Monument in the Ironroot Mountains is not the secret base of a worldwide police organization.
  300. Psion shapers, went they conjure up an astral construct, DO NOT yell out "Astralmon, I choose you!" nor "I play Astral Warrior in attack mode!"
  301. We will not name the secret 'companionship club' we run out of the Silver Flame monastery "Flurry of Blows".
  302. When in a bar, yelling "Kill the halflings" will not cause the Orcs to go into a frenzy. Causing a huge bar brawl.
  303. It is unwise to try such things when your Paladin speaks Orc.
  304. When a Cyran refugee laments the loss of their homeland, I will not slap them and say "The boat sank, get over it."
  305. "Mordenkainen's Magnificent Duct Tape of Warforged Repair" does not exist, and I should not sell any more rolls of Duct Tape this way.
  306. There is no way a warforged's rear will light up like a lightning bug if they just 'flex the right muscle', and I should stop telling them this.
  307. The poop deck IS a deck, but is used for something else.
  308. No, you can't invent Phoenix air-to-air missiles.
  309. I will not paint the elf black while they sleep.
  310. Aereneal elves worship 'deathless' elves, not a 'bunch of old farts'.
  311. A warforged's nose will not get longer if they lie, and I should stop telling this to the warforged.
  312. There is no artifacer named Geppetto that will make any warforged into a 'real boy'. I shoul stop telling this to the warforged, as well.
  313. The Shifter is not named Scooby Doo.
  314. Thou shalt not infer that King Kiaus was turned into a vampire by a sentient runeblade Vol sent him as a birthday gift.
  315. Therefore, you may not refer to him as "Arthas", nor hint that Vol is simply a gender-confused Lich king.
  316. By the same logic, there is no army of undead preparing to cleanse Khorvaire of the living races in preperation for a demonic invasion... and Karrnath wouldn't have anything to do with it, if there was.
  317. Under no circumstances are you to free Rajahs if they promise to say "tremble mortals, and despair, Doom has come to this world!" when they get out.
  318. Refrain from calling that tribe of Orc barbarians in the Demon Wastes who serve the Rajahs the "Blackrock Clan", "Warsong Clan", or demanding to speak with Grom Hellscream upon capture by said orcs.
  319. Thou shalt not join Pontiff Jaela's personal guard in order to get close enough to cast "heightened extended charm person" on her outside of Flamekeep, where her Will save isn't epic.
  320. For the last time, you do NOT need a codpiece of holding.
  321. The artificer would not build you one, regardless.
  322. You shall not retort to the villain's bravado by yelling "How appropriate. You fight like a cow!"
  323. Insults need not rhyme when you're an airship pirate.
  324. While wit is useful for picking up chicks, skill with a sword is much more useful in a battlefield situation. Knowing the proper response to every insult your opponent makes will not help you win.
  325. Nobody falls for "Look! A three-headed monkey!"
  326. Under no circumstances will we be looking for the fabled treasure of Big Whoope.
  327. Stop asking. I'm serious.
  328. There is no Evil Monkey hiding in my foot locker.
  329. My name is not Neo.
  330. Using a Silence spell on the bad guy during his tirade, while appreciated, is bad form.
  331. Robbing the rich and feeding the poor wont get me a 'freebie' from the hot paladin chick.
  332. Lighting the camp fire with alchemist's fire and a bottle of hooch is a bad idea.
  333. Must refrain from using Ray of Frost on the paladin chick's breastplate just before she takes it off.
  334. Unless I have been double-dog dared to do so.
  335. Nobody wants to hear my impression of Tira Mirron.
  336. Flapping your arms doesn't give you the ability to fly. And I must stop telling the gnomes, halflings, and warforged so.
  337. Must not refer to the halfling barbarian as runt, squirt, shorty, or mini-me.
  338. Jamming a quill in the warforged's ear and twisting his nose will not sharpen the quill. I must stop telling the wizards this.
  339. Must not encourage the group to enter combat from the airship via HALO drop.
  340. Gnomes don't bounce.
  341. Feline shifters are neither cute nor fuzzy.
  342. ...okay, they are. But don't call attention to it.
  343. The warforged is not named "HAL".
  344. If he is, he does not have a master named "Dave".
  345. If he does, and Dave asks him to do something, he can do it perfectly well, thank you very much.
  346. No members of Llesh Haruuc's court "have the power."
  347. Especially not the power of voodoo.
  348. And they definitely don't "remind him of the babe".
  349. Aundair does not defend its fortresses through the use of scathing taunts and flung farm animals.
  350. No, you may not play a kender.
  351. Or a gully dwarf.
  352. Or ever say or do anything that has anything to do with Dragonlance. EVER.
  353. I must not fill the wizards inkwell with vanishing ink.
  354. There is no fourteenth Dragonmark, and I am not its only scion.
  355. Warforged do not run on D-cell batteries.
  356. King Kaius is not to be referred to as 'that pervy bastard'.
  357. Unless he's out of earshot.
  358. I do not have the power to call an Inquisition against the Silver Flame.
  359. I will not attack the darkness with Magic Missiles.
  360. My compass does not point to the Isla de Muerta.
  361. I will not paint copper pieces gold and sell them as 'Pre-Galifar coins'.
  362. Except to Morgraive University.
  363. I will not use the airship to make beer runs.
  364. Pizza runs are still okay.
  365. But I wanted a BUD LIGHT!
  366. I am not to stop on island LV-426 to check out a distress call.
  367. I am not to tease the shifter with an inflatable sheep.
  368. Unless the shifter is really drunk.
  369. The Fury is not 'just a misunderstood person who's really nice and fuzzy once you get to know her'.
  370. I am not to Scry the women's shower.
  371. Unless I have the captain's approval.
  372. And charge the crew 1 gp per head to watch.
  373. I will not refer to the blue haired shifter with longstride as "Sonic".
  374. Even if that's his name.
  375. Nor when he shifts will he be said to be going "Super Sonic".
  376. Merrix d'Cannith is not Dr. Robotnik in disguise.
  377. Kaius is not Meier Link in disguise.
  378. Nor is he "D".
  379. Vol is not Carmella.
  380. There is no such position in the Church of Silver Flame as Pontifical Bikini Inspector.
  381. Nor shall you apply to said position.
  382. Nor shall you get Jaela to wear said bikini whether or not you claim to be the inspector.
  383. No crew members are too get within 30 feet of Jaela. Not even the females. Or the warforged. But if you are dead and need a raise, then it's okay.
  384. Kobolds are not dogs.
  385. No, you can't have one.
  386. Do not attempt to burn Aurala at the stake.
  387. It is wrong to attempt to reconcile with Queen Aurala by polymorphing into her deceased love of her life.
  388. And only telling her you're not him the morning after.
  389. Even if I did it.
  390. Now that we've killed all the crew obsessed with the Pontiff, we're making a fresh new start.
  391. There will be no stalking Pontiff Jaela's nearly identical eighteen-year-old paladin sister.
  392. I don't care if she's hot as hell...
  393. Why not? Because I've got these two pistols and what the captain says, goes!
  394. I am not the father of Prince Jurian. Nor should I tell him that I am.
  395. The Kalashatyr follow the path of light. Mine does not follow a variant called "The Path of Blow S*** up".
  396. There will be no clones made of Jaela's nearly identical older sister in their adolescence.
  397. That's it, you're all food for the sharks.
  398. Apparent gpologies, the Paladin has explained the Silver Flame glow makes Jaela a target for reverence and love that is entirely nonsexual.
  399. Recanting apologies as soon as a crew member referred to her sitting in laps as the closest thing to a lapdance you'll get...
  400. There will be no fan art of Queen Aurala as a Sailor Scout.
  401. Or a Porn Ear Elf.
  402. You cannot "log out" of Eberron when I'm boring you with my rules.
  403. Our secret base is not Blood Gulch outpost.
  404. We do not have a tank named Sheila.
  405. Or a warforged named Lopez.
  406. Our enemies are not the Covenant...
  407. Or the Red team.
  408. No internet fanshows for any of you.
  409. Or anime.
  410. Or video games.
  411. Or RPGs.... wait... never mind that last one.
  412. Karrnath does not have a shortage of holy water.
  413. Nor should you try to end such a shortage by dumping holy water over the side of your airship onto the royal palace.
  414. Repeat after me, "There are other solutions besides fireballs."
  415. Do not refer to Orcs, goblins, etc. as happy meals for adventurers.
  416. Scrying on the changing rooms of the five nations' royal families is a bad idea. Selling copies of what you saw on a street corner is a suicidal idea.
  417. I do not care if they have been raised/resurrected/reincarnated. We do not call the warforged Simmons 2.0.
  418. First person to call me Sarge gets keel-hauled.
  419. No, we will not rechristen this ship "Foehammer", "Pillar of Autumn" or any other such nonsense.
  420. New standing order. The artificer is not allowed anywhere near the warforged while those designs for a KOS-MOS retrofit still exist.
  421. No, you may not paint the Forgotten Freedom black with red flames on it.
  422. Not even if painting flames on it really does make it go faster.
  423. Repeat after me. "I will not try to uproot First Tower with the Forgotten Freedom, some chain, and a rope ever again."
  424. Even if it is an eyesore.
  425. KP does not mean kitten patrol.
  426. It is wrong to tell warforged this.
  427. Repeat after me, "I will not taunt airborne dragons."
  428. Even if you think you can take them.
  429. No, the prophecy does not, in fact, reveal the Colonel's secret recipe.
  430. I will not point out discrepancies between what we have been told, and at what age females are typically wed in a quasi-medieval society.
  431. If I ever hear the words "Pants", "Bet" and "Jaela" in the same sentence again, I will hand you over to the Church of the Silver Flame myself, bound and gagged, with a note pinned to your shirt proclaiming you a heretic.
  432. The airship shall be under no circumstances renamed the "Highwind", nor the "Ragnorok", nor the "Hilde Garde I, II, or III", nor the "Invincible", nor the "Celsius".
  433. Nor shall any of the pilots or artificers be named Cid.
  434. After we slay whatever it is we are fighting, we shall not have the bard play a lively and triumphant tune while we strike victory poses.
  435. Unless I say so.
  436. The bound fire elemental is not named "Bomb".
  437. His name is Earl.
  438. I cannot make a god call to Keith Baker.
  439. Especially by calling his house late at night.
  440. Even if I'm a girl.
  441. The Knights of the Dinner Table are not examples of good roleplaying.
  442. Nor are the crew from Nodwick.
  443. No, we cannot invite Boranal to join the crew.
  444. I cannot make a god call to Keith Baker.
  445. Especially by calling his house late at night.
  446. Even if I'm a girl.
  447. The Knights of the Dinner Table are not examples of good roleplaying.
  448. Nor are the crew from Nodwick.
  449. No, we cannot invite Boranal to join the crew.
  450. Even if he really wants to join.
  451. It is wrong to loudly proclaim over megaphones during state Dinner that the Inspired ambassador is a possessing demon.
  452. It is also not "a neat trick" to have the Exorcist of the Silver Flame wave his hand over the Inspired and shoot out their soul.
  453. The new male sharpclaw shifter cannot have adamantium bonded to his skeleton.
  454. He is not allowed to smoke cigars.
  455. To say Bub.
  456. To start with an implanted ring of regeneration and amnesia...
  457. You cannot play Wolverine!
  458. It is wrong to use my name and likeness on a label for spiced rum.
  459. It is wrong to brew this brand onboard the ship.
  460. Especially during work hours.
  461. The Dragon Prophecy's Ultimate Purpose is not to find the Secret of Life, the Universe, and Everything.
  462. Nor is the answer 42.
  463. Buildings in Eberron do not miss the number 13 because everything else seems to lack it.
  464. It is wrong to hide gelatinous cubes in the John.
  465. It is also wrong to have it automatically flush over Fairhaven.
  466. Do not serve Longstride Shifters roast rabbit.
  467. Do not refer to as the Demon Wastes as "The Rakshasas' Litterbox".
  468. Queen Aurala's brother is not the Wizard of Oz.
  469. The Twelve are not a Band.
  470. It is wrong to say that they are less exclusive than the Circle of Eight.
  471. If we find a phone booth that times travels... in this unlikely event.
  472. We will not kidnap celebrities of the past for a book report.
  473. Or refer to any of us as "The Doctor".
  474. Even the Doctor.
  475. King Kaius does not run a series of vampire nightclubs.
  476. King Kaius's first vampire creation is not named Nicholas Knight.
  477. Or Darla.
  478. The ship's adventures are not "Just like the adventures of Jerry Seinfield only they involve piracy".
  479. These rules are not optional.
  480. They are not suggestions.
  481. Destroying the List does not negate them.
  482. You cannot take them to the Supreme Court.
  483. Pleading insanity does not render you unable to follow them.
  484. You do not have a medical condition that requires you to hug Jaela.
  485. Or torment Queen Aurala.
  486. Or steal from Kaius.
  487. Or take insulin.
  488. Er... sorry, Jerry. I didn't realize you were a diabetic.
  489. It is wrong to set us up the bomb.
  490. The ghost of my former second in command does not haunt the ship's computer.
  491. Or my tank.
  492. There is no dyeing one of our crew's attire pink.
  493. Even if Donut IS a little light in the loafers.
  494. No, the Silver Flame did not appear to you and command that you be Jaela's Consort.
  495. Nor the Sovereign Host.
  496. Nor the Dark Six.
  497. A silver-haired girl claiming to be your child with her from the future is not proof.
  498. Especially if she resembles suspiciously a bard you were seen paying money to the night before.
  499. We do need five minutes to charge our secret weapon.
  500. We do not fight futilely for several minutes before our 'special attack'.