A Sternly Worded Letter From Bertie to General Edward Stanton, England's Ambassador in Egypt
To: The Right Honourable General Sir Edward Stanton GCB, PC, FSA, DL, JP Envoy Extraordinary and Minister Plenipotentiary of the Court of Saint James to Isma'il Pasha GCB GCSI, Khedive of All Egypt and the Sudan
I wish to call attention, in the most forceful fashion, to the deplorable treatment of myself, my wife and my compatriots since our arrival in the benighted shores of Egypt earlier today.
As you are doubtless aware, my associates and I are on a mission of critical importance to the success of The Empire’s Expedition in Abyssinia. Upon my arrival, I met with your local man at the Consulate in Alexandria to arrange transport of Napier’s supplies and lodging for my party.
While I was not expecting a private suite at Buckingham Palace so far from shores of our green and pleasant homeland, I did expect that a visiting Earl on Crown Business to be offered better lodgings than a single room at a rundown hotel.
That would be bad enough to warrant this missive, but to add insult to injury my Dear Wife, the Countess, has been kidnapped by local ruffians along with my cousin, Lady Katherine Drake-Fleming, doubtless for either ransom, White Slavery, or for illicit use in one of their heathen rituals. The depraved Khaffirs struck us whilst we were being granted a tour of one of the local archeological digs.
I demand that you dispatch soldiers and investigators at once to secure the return of my wife and Lady Katherine.
Sir Bertram Maxfield-Dashwood, OBE
Earl Dashwood, Baron le Despencer and Baronet of West Wycombe
Post Script: (in a separate letter)
Squiffy, all schoolboy rhetoric aside my wife’s been kidnapped by some infernal ruffians while we were on mission for the Crown and I fully expect you to provide all assistance necessary for her safe recovery, as well as the recovery of my cousin. Elsewise, Lady Margarette will soon be making the acquaintance of a certain Polish Countess and her lovely children, n'est-ce pas?