The World of Kung-Fu 1.8: How to Talk Like a Kung Fu Master

The word “Kung Fu” must always be capitalized. The name of a martial art style that qualifies as “Kung Fu” (that is, in which it is possible to be Trained by a Master) must also always be capitalized. So, for instance, you don’t need to capitalize “boxing”, “savate” or “pankration”, but you do need to capitalize “Judo”, “Karate” and “Wing Chun”.

Talk about martial arts styles as if they are people. The fact that styles usually form the hub of political factions makes it convenient to speak of them as single entities, as in “Wing Chun would like to see the IFF shut down” or “Muay Thai is deeply offended that Wing Chun said that they weren’t being responsible with their Kung Fu secrets.”

Kung Fu Dictionary

Chinese connection: The Wulin.

Chunner: 1. Practitioner of Wing Chun. 2. An overzealous, naïve idealist.

Crouching tiger, hidden dragon: Stop attracting so much attention.

A Dao sandwich: Nothing.

Dim Mak: 1. The hand of death. 2. A gullible person. 3. A McDonald’s customer.

Dojo: Martial arts school (Japanese).

Drop kick: 1. A two-footed kick. 2. A jerk, wanker or bastard.

Enter the dragon: Speak of the devil.

Journey to the west: Calm down and show discipline.

Kung Fu: To the ignorant, the word “Kung Fu” refers to the Chinese martial arts. In fact, any martial arts style in which a fighter can be Trained by a Master qualifies as a form of Kung Fu, whether it comes from China or not. In practice, all Kung Fu styles are ultimately based on Shaolin or Wudang Kung Fu.1

Kwan: Martial arts school (Korean).

Kwoon: Martial arts school (Cantonese and Mandarin).

McDojo: 1. Poor quality martial arts school, focused on making money rather than teaching skill. 2. McDonald’s restaurants. It is well known that Wushu owns McDonald’s and uses the restaurants as bases of operations.

Once upon a time in China: Wulin deception or bullshit.

One-armed swordsman: An arrogant person.

On the streets, we have our own way of doing things: Vigilante expression meaning “You are being too brutal and we don’t roll like that.”

Quan: The Chinese martial arts. This is the term the Wulin most often use to refer to the Chinese martial arts, since “Wulin” and “Wushu” both have other, more common meanings.

Sensei: Martial arts teacher (Japanese).

Shaolin haircut: A very thorough job.

Shaolin staff technique: 1. The Shaolin staff-fighting style. 2. Shaolin orders, requests, or expectations of being accommodated.

Sifu: Martial arts teacher (Cantonese and Mandarin).

Thirty-sixth chamber of Shaolin: The gritty world outside the monastery walls. As in “Oh, a kid in the street flipped you off and hurt your feelings? Welcome to the thirty-sixth chamber of Shaolin.”

Xuanzang: A naïve, unworldly Buddhist, particularly a monk.

Wing Chun dummy: 1. Wooden dummy used in Wing Chun training. 2. An overzealous, impulsive revolutionary.

Wudang sword: 1. The Wudang sword-fighting style. 2. An expression of joy from a practitioner of Wudang Kung Fu or a descendant style celebrating how clever they have just been: “Wudang Sword!”

Wulin: 1. The Chinese martial arts. 2. The Shaolin, Wing Chun and Wudang factions, taken as a whole. Not all members of Wulin factions practice Chinese martial arts.

Wushu: 1. The Chinese martial arts. 2. An evil organization that rules China and works towards ruling the world.

Footnotes

1.In the early 1400’s, the Chinese sage Bi Li went on pilgrimage through Japan and South-East Asia to visit holy shrines. Along the way, he observed foreign martial arts, and upon his return to China, wrote the influential poem, “It’s All Kung Fu to Me”.

“What’s wrong with the way that he’s fightin’?” / “Can’t you see that that shit’s not quan?

If you never trained in the Middle Kingdom, then you ain’t got your Kung Fu on!”

“Well let me tell you ‘bout my trip to Japan.

They’ve sure been applying what they learned from the Han.

Jump kick, nerve strike, any animal you like. / It looked like Kung Fu to me.

Let me tell you there’s a whole world out there. A whole world of Kung Fu.

Everybody got their own way of kickin’, and some leap right over you!

I once saw a Ninja trash a Jujutsu dojo / I once saw some bandits eat an old man’s Aikido.

Dojo budo, spinnin’ pinnin’ Judo / It’s all Kung Fu to me.

Oh - I took a pilgrimage ‘round South-East Asia. Just a-visitin’ the holy shrines.

They were fightin’ like a bag full of Buddhists. Man I had me a kickin’ time!

I saw a Thai nun punch a hole through a tiger

And a monk in Korea who can kick you like a spider.

Bando, Gungdo / Even Hapkido / It’s all Kung Fu to me!"