1001 things Mr. Raymond can't do when he GMs

Original thread

I will not kill the same player's PC every game, even if that player is my kid brother.
I am not allowed to use multiple 4 or 5-skull traps from Grimtooth's sourcebooks.
I will not use the same trap on every door until someone figures out how to bypass it, and then promptly change it to my next favorite on every subsequent door, ad inifinitum.
I will not kill a PC's entire supporting cast in the first game.
If I read room descriptions from an adventure module, I will make sure I can pronounce words in the language that module uses.
I cannot use segues like "You get to the castle. During the night, Eric's character tried to rape the princess so now the entire army is after you."
If I am willing to cause a Total Party Kill, I will be ready to go all the way and not suddenly call it all an illusion. If not, then I will not cause said TPK.
The Monster Manual is not looking for me to submit a creature called "DM's Discretion".
Narrativism does not mean that I will narrate a story and the players will sit quietly and listen to it.
The cops/army/palace guards aren't automatically hostile to every PC they meet.
Items are not worth less gold because PCs touched them.
I do not need to detail every room and floor of a building the PCs are not allowed into, especially if there is no reason for the PCs to go into it.
If I put a new location on the map, it should be somehow relevant to the game.
If I don't know what the difficulty is, it is not automatically "You fail".
I shall not just keep throwing stronger enemies at their characters until they die.
My NPCs shall not be more interesting or have more complicated day-to-day lives than my PCs.
If I botch a roll, there is no excuse for going back and saying "Oops, your character should have died three encounters ago. You're dead."
I shall not ever pick up a paperback novel and read aloud directly from it during a game session.
May no longer assign NPCs to the party based on Vampire Hunter D or Captain Jack Sparrow.
Especially if they're the party cleric.
Blitzball does not exist in Creation.
Nothing Records does not have its own personal squadron of F/A-18s.
And even if it did, the PCs are not allowed to call them in for airstrikes.
May no longer send party against monsters whose Challenge Rating is higher than all the PC's character levels combined.
May not allow characters to defeat said big baddy via uncanny luck. Sudden attack of hayfever is right out.
Absolutely forbidden from assigning five levels of experience in one night.
The Wyld Hunt does not consist entirely of Dragonblooded sworn brotherhoods in color-coded warstriders.
Neither do the Imperial Legions.
And even if they did, the warstriders do not resemble giant robot dinosaurs.
"Nuke the site from orbit" is not a viable means of defending a corporate research facility from shadowrunners.
Descriptions of the BBEG's minions may no longer include the words "invincible," "katana-wielding," "scantily-clad," "explosive," or "hamster."
Especially not all at once.
Eliminster is not an acceptable NPC in any setting. Neither is Raistlin, Drizzt, or any other character from any D&D novel. This is especially true if it's a GURPS campaign.
The annoying ultra-powerful NPC that comes in to save the day is no longer allowed to be based on one of the players at the table, and have the same name, wear the same clothes, and look exactly the same.
Switching games in the middle of the session, without telling the players, is right out.
My Abyssal Deathknight antagonist isn't allowed to be named Still the Prettiest.
The Shadowrun Coffeeshop campaign was not a good idea.
Neither was the Rokea/Moloke crossover oWoD campaign called "Tastes like Chicken."
Cthulhu never surfs.
No door should be placed directly in front of an about-to-fire minigun
I will not allow a "3rd level Bishi" in my D&D game without unanimous player support.
I will not center an adventure on the value of Pi.
It is irrelevant which way the characters turn the key in the door.
"Localised Earthquakes" are not plausible ways to remove the effects of the Leadership feat.
I cannot declare a character dead because they fail to find a trap.
In the event of the above, I cannot claim the afflicted player does not exist.
In the event of the above two occurring, I will at least call in on the player and check they are alive and mentally sound.
Convenience store clerks do not carry flamethrowers for defending themselves against robbers.
May not allow a game to descend to the point where convenience store clerks have to carry flamethrowers to protect themselves from the PCs.
May not say to players, "This is a d20 game, but we're going to be using a Clix game from WizKids for combat."
Particularly if that game is Mage Knight.
I will not wait for a player to ask if a monster is in the room before telling him that there is.
If a PC dies, I will not spike their d20 and dance.
I will not ambush the players with blowguns and needles tipped with feces. Nor the player characters.
No longer allowed to shoot Vampire players in the chest with paintball guns when their characters get shot, so they "know what it feels like."
This goes double for players with mortal characters.
Even if I did just drop a month's wages on a Glock 9mm.
Threatening players with raw calamari during a Call of Cthulhu game is right out.
Just because the players say that they are OK with using some props, that does not mean I should come in costume.
Especially lingerie.
Especially, especially lingerie intended for a sex other than mine.
Generally, no one wants to be reminded to think about my gender.
If something is forbidden for all the other players, I must also forbid it for my girlfriend's character.
The Hobgoblin king is not allowed to have brought the entire Nazi army through his time portal.
Especially not in Blue Rose.
I must include some magical treasure other than girdles of masculinity/femininity in the dungeon.
I shall not give any player a cursed item, if the whole extent of the curse is "you can't get rid of it! no matter how hard you try."
Cursed items shall not outnumber regular magical items.
Making a player cry is not a sign that I am a good GM.
I cannot switch the game's conflict resolution system on the fly from percentile to thumb wrestling.
My girlfriend is not allowed to take levels in the 'Awesome' prestige class.
I am not allowed to put in challenges that can only be safely bypassed if the players specifically state they look up, or otherwise specifically say they do something that you would expect them to be doing normally - like breathing.
I can't tell my players their bowels have ruptured because they haven't told me their characters are going to the bathroom.
I must make sure Mr. Welch's list is current and that he's signed off on every new addition before play begins.
I cannot bring my vintage, crystal gamescience d4 collection to the game if I cannot keep the dice on the table. Not even to simulate difficult terrain for the players.
I am no longer allowed to use the Teletubbies as major campaign adversaries.
Or as pregen PCs for one-shots.
Or for LARP.
"For the thunder that double handful of d6's make when they hit the table" is not a valid reason to jack up the encounter rating.
Not allowed to play the Pokemon movie soundtrack as mood music during the game anymore.
Especially when playing Unknown Armies.
Not allowed to use images from Rotten.com as visual aids.
Especially when playing Bunnies and Burrows.
Not allowed to create any puzzle whose solution involves dressing like a chimpanzee and dancing the bolero.
Never allowed to say the words "Roll save vs. constipation" ever again.
Or "save vs. diarrhea."
Not allowed to inform PCs walking down the street that the inhabitants of the building above them just failed their diarrhea saving throw.
Not allowed to build a campaign world in which the primary form of currency is old socks.
Must never again inform PCs that the only healer in town is a cranky old hermit known to the locals as Herman the Leper.
Especially in games of Transhuman Space.
When my players inform me that no gaming is better than bad gaming, this is not an excuse to dedicate the next session to filing my income tax returns.
May not create a homebrew system whose task resolution system is based around Dance Dance Revolution.
Not allowed to base my D&D campaign on the works of John-Paul Sartre.
"Monopoly: the RPG" was not a good idea the first twenty times I suggested it, and it still isn't.
Neither is "Candyland: the RPG."
No longer allowed to set games of Werewolf: the Forsaken on Gullah Gullah Island.
Or on the Island of Sodor.
Dora the Explorer is not the Prince of Miami.
She's not its Heirarch, either.
Neither is Spongebob Squarepants.
Nor Bob the Builder.
No longer allowed to take my three year-old daughter's suggestions for campaign ideas seriously.
May no longer make "Flaw: Carrying an Implanted Thermonuculear Device" a requirement for characters in my games.
Or players in my games, for that matter.
I am not allowed to apply templates to my players after they have already been playing their characters for two months.
Especially not if it includes a +6 level adjustment.
I am not permitted to play a video of the "Loading" screen from resident evil to heighten the tension.
The races presented in the players handbook are fine and do not need "tweaking for my campaign world".
Especially not if said tweaking involves the ability to manifest psychokinesis at will.
Not allowed to name the BBEG "Fluffykins."
Cannot give NPCs levels in "Court Jester," "Beggar," or "Woman of Ill Repute."
Especially not epic levels.
Under no circumstances is my BBEG allowed to be Fluffykins LeNoir, The Penniless Mistress of Mirth (Jst24/Beg22/WIR21).
No longer allowed to base NPCs off Adam Sandler.
Not allowed to kill off characters because their players forget to mention they've tied their shoes.
Especially when playing Weapons of the Gods.
An Infinite Jade Minigun is not an appropriate weapon for an Immaculate Monk.
Merchant caravans in Creation do not have cowcatchers.
Even if they did, "Stolen Cowcatcher" is not an appropriate Melee specialty for a Lunar.
May not arbitrarily declare critical hits against the guy who took the last slice of pizza.
"Donald Duck" impressions are inappropriate for the voice of the king.
This goes for Durulz "kings" too.
When no one wants to play the cleric, I am absolutely forbidden to name the NPC cleric "NeoSporynn".
As above, and the female cleric cannot be named "Gynylotrymyn" either.
D4's are not to be used in LARPS, even though they "make good caltrops".
I will not reveal that the PC cleric's god is actually a demon half-way through the campaign.
...Especially not a dretch.
...Or a bullywug with a Hat of Disguise.
I will not turn Werewolf:the Apocalypse into a multi-genre hybrid with Palladium Heroes using d20s.
In said horror, I will not have a werewolf with a fetish called Excalibur, that is, of course, the real thing.
I will not make Changeling characters take points of Banality for going to the bathroom.
If I don't like a character, I will just say so instead of getting all passive-aggressive with the Banality points.
When the PCs in my CoC game unmask the evil head cultist, he will not be Old Man Withers from the abandoned amusement park, and he will not have almost gotten away with it if it hadn't been for those nosy PCs and their dog. Again.
When I tell the group that their superspy commander is based off of Nick Fury, I am allowed to be referring to the classic Marvel depiction, or the Ultimate Marvel depiction, but not to the movie with David Hasselhoff.
In Exalted, the Wild Huntsmen get bonuses for stunts just like everybody else, but they do not get bonuses for Python quotes.
I am running a role playing game, therefore I do not have two turntables and a microphone.
When the players say that they want to try something new I am honor-bound to take their word when they say that does not mean Exalted Sailor Scouts.
I can not in any way attempt to sneak the above into the campaign setting, no matter how much I think they would enjoy it if only they would try it.
At cons, no longer allowed to separate a character from the rest of the group and make her/him useless to the rest of the group because she/he decided to stand watch.
At cons and everywhere else, no longer allowed to separate a player from the rest of the group and let him/her sit alone in another room for the rest of the session because his/her character stands watch.
No longer allowed to run systems that I don't understand.
Before running a plane hi-jacking scenario, it is a good idea to know something about planes, sky marshals and airport security. Actually being inside a plane would be helpful too.
In the described hi-jacking scenario, the PCs should not be the terrorists.
The aforementioned scenario shall not turn into night of the living Flight 93, where the passengers attack the terrorist PCs as a mindless zombie horde.
"Hands-on" descriptions of sexual encounters shall not happen again.
I may not substitute Marienburg for Ankh-Morpork in my WFRP campaign.
Nor is Ankh-Morpork a close ally of Rokugan.
Must turn sound off if I am going to watch hentai anime while the players discuss strategy before opening the door to the boss monster.
When GMing at a con, may not humour the 12 year old munchkin when he attempts to use Change Self to look like an old wise man so that he can act as though he had the leadership feat.
When GMing at a con, may not bribe the 12 year old munchkin with candy or Hentai Anime fansubs if he shuts up.
When GMing at a con, may not bribe the 12 year old munchkin's Mother with Cunnilingus if she makes him shut up.
When GMing at a con, may not hype a group of 12 year old munchkins into playing BESM by telling them about kewl powers, and then revealing that we will be playing BESM: Gravitation.
Mr. Raymond may not GM at cons, period.
May not refer to the primary villian of the campaign as "that guy" because I forgot to write down his name.
May not have either zombies, ninja, nazis or pirates appear out of nowhere during a romantic scene to "spice things up for the other players".
Weapon Focus: Dwarf does not exist.
Dwarves do not do 2d10 damage as a missile weapon.
I am not allowed to refer to the players as "the suckers".
Gaudeamus Igitur is not a recurring anthem among Ars Magica mages.
Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas is not an appropriate setting for Mage.
Just because I am an "experienced GM" does not mean I can run Exalted unread, "out of the box."
Or Nobilis.
Am no longer allowed to describe myself as an experienced GM.
"Sponginess" is not an attribute in Amber.
Or any other game.
Not allowed to design a homebrew system with more than fifty primary attributes.
None of my players have a d23 or a d37 that they can roll, even if my homebrew system calls for it.
Not allowed to create homebrew systems.
Not allowed to have anything to do with or even acknowledge the Game that Must Not Be Named.
I will not insist that all my players get deeply involved in my Wraeththu LARP.
No matter how much sense it makes, nor how intelligent the villain, they are not allowed to use an odourless, flavourless, colourless gas in the ventilation system to take care of the PC's permanently while they sleep.
"Just because it can fly doesn't mean it will" Is not a valid reason for the PC's hard fought for flying mount to be grounded.
"It's more like an escalator" is not a valid excuse when accused of railroading.
In the cinematic final battle with the Big Bad, I will not have him stabbed to death by an NPC henchman as he escapes out a back window.
Even if the players were the ones who set the NPC to guard the back window.
Even if I never touch the player, I cannot use LARP techniques to show the results of a successful Seduction roll.
Especially when I'm portraying a character of the opposite gender.
Even more especially, when my wife is in the room.
I will not huddle in a corner and cry when my players catch me in an inconsistency -- even if I am playing a 10-year-old NPC.
I will not create a 14-year-old female with supernatural powers who has a crush on one of the PC's (for a third time).
Especially when the player of said PC is a fundamentalist Christian.
Or my wife.
The evil big bad may no longer be a small girl trying to make the world cuter, one hideous monster at a time.
Heironeous will not sign notes to his paladins "The Big H."
I cannot handle fifteen players at once by myself.
Even moreso if it's a stealth campaign.
Healing is not applied directly to the forehead. Healing is not applied directly to the forehead. Healing is not applied directly to the forehead.
I shall not name NPCs "Dwarf Guy" and "Elf Girl".
Especially if they are not that race, or gender.
I will stop giving out poorly-disguised lightsabers in fantasy games.
Furthermore, I will stop making characters in my Ravenloft game take levels in "Jedi", no matter what I actually call it.
Beholders are not good pets.
I should always tell the above to a new gamer.
My NPCs are not allowed to be half of one race and half another.
This is true doubly non-humanoid races.
Even more so for dragons.
PC's cannot be killed by a candlestick in the ballroom or any other combination of Clue locales and weapons.
I am not to assign flaws such as Half-wit or Sexpot to players.
Nor to the Player Characters.
The Infinity Gauntlet is not an acceptable artifact.
Especially not in COC.
Just because you read it on the internet doesn't mean it's true.
Especially if it has anything to do with a katana being able to cut a tank in half.
Fraggle Rock is not valid inspiration for a Call of Cthulhu game.
Nor is Muppet Babies.
Just because the player claims to have been in the military as a sniper, and claims to be a master of seventy forms of martial arts, doesn't mean that you can't have anything bad happen to his character.
Elminster is not a valid NPC in Mage.
"Because you looked at him funny" is not a valid reason to have a character drop dead.
Nor is "He's CRAAAAZY, man! I told you he was wearin' a diaper! Normal people don't do that!"
Absolutely forbidden from ever describing any NPC or monster using the word "squamous" again.
This goes DOUBLE for Call of Cthulhu games.
Any room in a Gygaxian dungeon containing three identical doors may not also contain a goblin wearing a tacky suit, nor one with a bad haircut.
A scantily-clad blonde orc gesturing towards the doors is right out.
No longer allowed to tell the players that they've "just won a brand new car" when they pick one of the doors.
Especially if the door they selected actually leads to the Massive Rolling Ball o' Doom Trap.
The Massive Rolling Ball o' Doom in the Massive Rolling Ball o' Doom Trap is not allowed to be made of cheese.
Or chewing gum.
Or old socks.
Bohemian Rhapsody, while an awesome song, cannot be used for a Tavern name.
The same holds true for Bond villains.
My hobbies of Falconeering and GMing must be kept separate at all times.
"You wake up 10 feet underwater" is not a viable way to start a campaign.
No longer allowed to introduce previously-unknown wraith pleasure cults for the sole purpose of sexually violating PCs I don't like.
Soulforging said PCs into sex toys is right out.
Similarly, no longer allowed to pit PCs against Abyssal dominatrices armed with soulsteel vibrators.
The Barbed Phallus of Doom is not an appropriate name for an Earth Immaculate's tetsubo.
Or any other artifact weapon.
No longer allowed to GM after falling asleep watching hentai the night before.
Complaints from players is not a sign that they need "more of a challenge"
No longer allowed to dance like a quarterback in the endzone every time I kill a player character.
Especially not for the third time that night.
I will not introduce my six year old to roleplaying with Unknown Armies.
Must not get mad when the PC's murder the only named NPC in the game in his sleep. Especially when it was obvious he was the big bad and nobody in their right minds would sit through the next six sessions working for that bastard.
When handing out magic items to the party, the sum of those items' enhancement bonuses may not exceed the PCs' combined character levels.
Or their combined hit points.
This also applies to the magic items equipped by my NPCs.
The critical plot device around which the entire campaign revolves may neither be a) wisecracking or b) hyperactive.
And certainly not both.
I will not reject a character sheet because it lacks the words "scantily clad"
I must, however, reject a character whose gun is three times his size.
Especially if he's a halfling
The dragon king cannot say "needs salt" after eating a PC.
The bard's instrument is not a banjo, it is a lute.
I can't base the campaign off the movie "Space Mutiny"
Nor can I use MST3K's names for the hero as NPCs.
Pushing the players out of an aeroplane without a parachute, while a dramatic way to begin a scenario, is best avoided when LARPing.
There is no Ring of Masculinity/Femininity.
Nor is there an armour, robe, bracers or other form of item of Masculinity/Femininity beyond the girdle.
This goes double for Holy Avengers of Masculinity/Femininity.
I may not name the main villain Retsam Emag or Retsam Noegnud. (Hint: read it backwards.)
Nor any other clever anagram.
I will stop referring any anagrams I make to as clever.
I will stop letting Mr. Welch find a Ring of Wishes when ever the other PCs are not around so they can't stop him.
This also goes for a Deck of Many Things.
And for a Globe of Annihilation. In fact I may not give Mr. Welch any items when the other PCs can not stop him from using it.
I may never again give the PCs Intelligent Magical Items.
This goes double for Cursed Intelligent Magical Weapons.
In my supers games, when the guy playing the Superman-type character says he finds a phone booth in which to change into his costume, I will inform him that the game is set in the modern day instead of the '70s BEFORE his character takes off his clothes.
The pistol-butts of my supers gameworld are not inlaid with kryptonite instead of mother-of-pearl no matter how much sense that makes in light of the old George Reeves Superman series.
I may not use The Superfriends as an inspiration for my superteam's support crew.
The A.I.M. agents are not all hemophiliacs no matter how much Karma my group's Marvel PCs have earned.
I am not allowed to use Hentai for villain inspiration in my supers game. Not even if I said the game is Claremont-inspired.
Giving PC's access to C4 - bad idea
I won’t obliterate any creativity or non-combat ideas when they come up just because my characters are more interesting.
Even if you spent a week writing up your 40 level fire-wielding crazy-child.
When I write up a scenario, I won’t base it totally on OOC information that I need to explain out to the players.
Combat that drags on should not be stopped by deity, no matter how close we are being to be finished.
Random Encounters are stupid and should never inflict them on characters again.
Using gods should be limited to dreams, dark taverns, and temples. Not giving demands to players in the center of a warzone.
I will never play a player character. It will have no depth and no character. This is also a bad thing.
Allowing NPCs in the party is a good thing. Such as the Ewok Jedi.
I cannot base an NPC off of Megaman
Especially if we're playing D&D
The BBEG cannot be Kamen Rider, Ultraman or Black Ace.
Or based off them for that matter.
Not everyone wants to play a Castlevania themed RPG
The same is true for Kirby
I will not build a dungeon with traps in the floor every ten feet.
I will not base a dungeon on the video game 'Pac man.'
I will under no circumstances do both these things at once...
I will not introduce "Light Sabers" or their like into a pure fantasy game, no matter how cool they are.
I will not do the same for "Magic Guns" or whatever for a modern game...
I will not declare that my descriptions are high production FMV sequences that cannot be skipped or interrupted by PC action.
When PCs are using squad-based tactics in a survival horror game, I will not spontaneously declare that the next Zombies they encounter are trained S.W.A.T. members (or S.T.A.R.S.) that can counter their every move...
I will never have Zombie snipers, or any zombies that can effectively use ranged weapons and tactics.
When running Amber, I will not accept sexual favors as Contribs for the auction bid.
I will also not encourage players to sell me their immortal souls for more points.
When first encountering the PCs, my NPC may not immediately challenge the PCs to a dance-off.
Especially when playing Mechwarrior.
Similarly, if a PC's reaction upon first meeting one of my NPCs is to challenge him to a dance-off, I must ignore the challenge.
Particularly if the challenging PC is played by Mr. Welch.
No longer allowed to demand the PCs LARP dance-offs.
No matter how much I paid for that DDR pad.
Must also ignore any requests from Mr. Welch to LARP dance-offs.
The Backstreet Boys are not appropriate antagonists in D&D.
Or Werewolf.
And only if used sparingly in Exalted.
No longer allowed to base Vampire sessions on episodes of the Brady Bunch.
Or Sesame Street.
The Gong Show is right out.
"Hey X, Pimp my ride" is not an acceptable form of greeting in D&D
I cannot base a villain off Chef Ramsey from Hell's Kitchen
"Gibberish" is not an acceptable language skill.
Not even in CoC.
Russian does not count as gibberish
PC's are not allowed to keep a dragon hatchling as a pet.
Especially if it "followed them home"
There is no skill set for Whack-a-Mole
Guacamole is not to be used in lieu of healing potions.
Fingernails on a chalkboard is not a good way to shut up the players.
I am not allowed to declare an unprovoked ostrich attack.
Going stream of consciousness while describing a room or setting.
Especially when it is the kitchen of a Deathlord
Describing the flora and fauna of a location in Creation and expecting the players to reconize it instantly (although I was surprised a player didn't know what a sea cucumber was)
Snakes attack their airship
Again.
Run a game of Bunnies and Burrows in which all of the characters are psychic lesbian stripper ninja bunnies with AK-47s and katanas that can cut a tank in half, who have to get on a plane to assassinate the Cthulhoid Fraggle Snakes that have stowed away in the warp core manifold, defending their position with stolen lightsabers.
The campaign shall not take place in Bohemian Rap City.
Nor in Rap City in Blue.
New Ork City is also out.
I am prohibited from naming locations using puns.
The BBEGs with flamethrowers are right out, unless it's Godlike.
I will never again use the words "3D10" and "tarrasques" in the same sentence.
Piranha Plants are not a trap to be used in COC.
The Orb of Penguinification does not exist in any RPG.
The Force is reserved solely for Star Wars games.
I lack the ability to force choke a player for making a stupid choice.
I must automatically reject any character whose name has three Xs in it.
Doubly so if all the Xs are in a row.
May not penalise players for being unable to pronounce the names of Kua Toa cities correctly.
Or Kua Toa anything else.
When designing the tomb of the dread lich king and the challenges therein, a vision chart is not an appropriate puzzle.
Nor is a game of "Hungry, Hungry Hippo," Even if it is vs a Balrog.
Not allowed to create random-encounter tables with epic-level monsters on them.
Especially when playing Eberron.
Or Blue Rose.
No longer allowed to ambush 1st-level samurai in d20 Rokugan with six Tsuno Ravagers.
On that note, Akodo Ginawa does not spend his days riding around the countryside, saving parties of 1st-level samurai from Tsuno Ravager ambushes.
Akodo Ginawa does not ride a white charger.
Or refer to samurai as "citizen."
The Lion clan capital city does not have a "maho shop" in it.
And even if it did, it would not be clearly labeled "maho shop."
No longer allowed to make NPCs so world-weary that they don't care when one of their companions is slaughtered and has his blood drained into a bathtub.
Especially if the world-weary NPC in question is a nine year old girl.
No longer allowed to have NPCs who can't say anything except "Bro's fists of steel cut to the bone."
The ruler of the kingdom is not allowed to be a kender.
Or the mayor of the village.
Even if it's a kender village.
ESPECIALLY if it's a kender village.
No longer allowed to populate cities entirely with kender.
Or Malkavians.
Or Pooka.
Kender Pooka-Malkavians will get me shot.
I must reject a character if his weapon is a katana sheathed in an electric guitar.
Especially if we're playing in a fantasy setting.
There is no Macgyver RPG and I should be ashamed for saying there was one.
Especially when we're playing COC.
No PC is allowed to rip the pipe organ from the cathedral walls.
No PC is allowed in my game if his character can be compared to pre-Crisis Superman.
Doubly so if we're playing Rokugan.
There is no charm of "Hard Rock"
In Amber, the bonus points for "character art" are not intended to reward players for giving me porn.
Or stick figures.
Or, especially, stick figure porn.
No longer allowed to get rid of disruptive characters by giving them ebola.
No longer allowed to get rid of disruptive players by giving them ebola.
Rockin' Pneumonia is not a contractible disease in D&D.
Neither is the Boogie-Woogie Flu.
The archivillian of the campaign has NOT read The Evil Overlord's List and does NOT act appropriatly.
A character said to be a combination of Mr T and Cloud Strife must be rejected.
Will not run Diana: Warrior Princess (using the Wushu engine) for the express purpose of "Punishing the players for ruining my Aberrant game".
Will not hand people pregens for Diana: Warrior Princess that consist of Toni Blair: Vampire slayer, and, Anne Frankenstein: Jewish Cyborg.
Similarly, Spike Milligan is not a bleach-blonde vampire comedian with a soul, and does not stab other vampires to death with his pipe.
Who am I kidding? Yes I will, yes I will, yes he is, and yes he does.
I will never ever run Aberrant with 200 nova points ever again. Ever. That shit is what The Authority RPG is for.
I will not begin a game session wth "Yeah, remember that thing you did at the end of the last session? It killed everyone. New characters all around.
Especially not if said "thing" was going to sleep in a "safe" place.
This goes triply so if said "safe" place was their own fortress and / or extradimensional space.
I will not Give any NPC a basic attack that does more damage than a missile strike.
This goes doubly so if I disallowed that orc archer build in shadowrun.
Heavy Metal is not an acceptable skill set for halflings.
Quicksand has no place in a Bunnies and Burrows campaign.
I will not give the evil mad scientist a ray gun capable of turning the PCs into baboons.
I will not give the evil mad scientist a ray gun capable of turning the PCs into twinkies.
A Babwinkie ray is right out!
As is a Twinkoon gun.
I will not spend three days locating, purchasing, customizing and painting the miniatures for an encounter, and three minutes (after the encounter has started) reading the creature's stat blocks.
Non-leveled Orcs do not pose a challenge to a 30th level party.
Even if I send them in waves of a million at a time.
In the above instance, I will not insist on playing out the entire combat 'just in case'.
I am no longer allowed to end campaigns because the players are following along with my plot instead of stomping all over it and "I just don't know how to deal with that style of play..."
I am not allowed to base NPCs off of Vince Mcmahon.
Any character with a breast size greater than C must be rejected.
Especially if it's male.
Especially if the player is male.
Ostriches are not acceptable forms of currency in D&D.
Considering the above, any player with profiency in bartering and ostrich farming is right out.
I will no longer roll for random encounters in D20 Modern when the PCs travel.
Especially if they're taking a commercial passenger jet.
In the odd circumstance that I do, I will not use a wilderness encounter table. At least, not anymore.
I will reject any PCs based on Samuel L Jackson.
The player's cohort gained through the Leadership feat is NOT the BBEG in disguise.
Or one of his minions sent to spy on the party and ultimately betray them.
I will not put a beholder in a hall of mirrors... or a medusa... or a basilisk...
There are not wandering kitten bombs! (so cute, and radiating evocation magic!)
Daerin's Devouring Fortress is not to be used, ever.
Magic scrolls should not have with symbol of death/insanity/persuasion/etc. cast on them. Treasure itself does not need a CR!
The BBEG is not a five-year old kid with the Leadership feat whose cohort is a puppy. If he is, his arsenal should not be a security blanket and a talisman of the sphere.
There are no diseases that are transmitted via Buff or Cure spells.
The wizard's crystal ball is not a lich's item familiar.
There is no curse "Audible Theme Music", and the rogue most certainly does not have it!
Half-Dragon (red) trolls are not an appropriate encounter for a beginning party.
I will not use all of the items from the "500 weird things" thread in one campaign.
For that matter, I must limit myself to using no more than five of those items per campaign.
Vampiric werewolves are right out.
Especially as a random encounter.
Doubly so as a PC.
No, you cannot affix a nuclear warhead to the tip of your arrow.
Especially not if we're playing D&D.
I am not allowed to base my in game locations off of Candyland.
One exception: The Molasses Swamp.
No, not even that.
If the players have magic items, I will not make getting them identified in a major city harder than trying to kill a greater demon with a teaspoon.
I will not eliminate PC thieves just because I don't want them in the group. Especially since the group needs them. Doubly especially since I play them all the time when I'm not GM.
Players no longer need to describe what their investigator tastes like when writing up their Call of Cthulhu character.
Not because I found a random table.
Red dragons are not always communists.
Since I am not as cool as SteveD, I will not base my entire campaign on old song titles.
And if, for some reason, I do base my entire campaign on old song titles, I am not allowed to use Menudo songs. And I am certainly not allowed to play those songs during the session to "set the mood."
Spider crabs, although funny, do not form secret societies which plot to overthrow the government.
Spider crap spaceships do not have pincers.
I should really stop using spider crabs in my games. Once, in a Mage game, was okay but now too much.
I should think of new and interesting ways to bring campaigns to an end, not just a TPK.
I should not base *all* of my plot ideas on the hallucinations and general craziness I experience when I go three days without sleep.
The phrase 'rocks fall, everyone dies' is not to be used literally. Not even against really troublesome PCs.
If the player's character sheet contains leetspeak at all, they must be drawn and quartered.
I mean, barred from playing.
The Predator does not inhabit urban cities in Cyberpunk 2013.
I should not dangle the Eternity Sword in front of my players, or any other ultra-awesome but mind-destroying item. They lack the restraint.
Under no circumstances will Mr. Raymond demand the use of penile "swordfights" for combat resolution.
If such is required, Mr. Raymond will refrain from performing a capella renditions of "Soccer Practice" while they go on.
Robotic characters are right out in a fantasy setting.
No, you cannot be a Solar. We're playing Mutants and Masterminds.
If my temperature is over 108 and I haven't slept in two days I must first arrange for a replacement GM and then go to the doctor.
May not use Godzilla as a planned deus ex machina in a "serious" fantasy game to defeat the invincible BBEG I made the PC's fight.
Will not have my Mary Sue character miraculously arrive and killsteal the party when they are about to defeat the Evil Halfling Druid of Evilness named Butternut.
Will never again name a BBEG Butternut.
Or any other squash.
Will never again name a village Muffin's Honor.
Or the honor of any other pastry.
"Killfuck Soulshitter" is NOT an appropriate Abyssal titles, particular if HER leige is the The Lover Clad in Ranment of Tears....and she's a Midnight caste.
A Silverhawks RPG is not feasible. Just stop trying.
Tale Spin is a different situation.
No matter what the Cyberpunk Rulebook says, putting an explosive beneath a player's mattress is just cruel.
I will not end campaigns by having the players fight their way to the top of the tower only to have a Giant knock it over and kill them for being noisy.
The Time Bandits should not show up for cameos in every campaign genre I design for my players.
That goes double for Elvis.
Any in-game reference to a "One Ring" will result in GM removal.
The Love Charm should not backfire when a player is already tied up by a dozen Kobolds.
Summoned Balrogs are not effeminate-sounding.
I will not draw attention to the BBEG in the crowd by reading his description from a sheet of paper.
I will not get mad when my players refuse to enter the basement with a flashlight and baseball bat.
I will not allow my players to "fake fight" to see who has the best character.
I will NOT create NPCs based off of the band Lordi.
Especially in Earthdawn.
If I do, I will not be supprised when the players try to kill them.
... Again.
I will not force a player to play a housepet during LARP.
I will not use porn stars for my homebrew fantasy deities.
Starting level characters are not to be sent to the Barrier Peaks.
Particularly in games of Thirty.
I will not TPK with an anthropomorphic squirrel.
I will not base the "casual fun" game on a series of complicated clues that have baffled actual scholars for generations.
Adventure RPGs are not meant for merchant class parties.
I may not hand out cursed enchanted cookies to the characters in a low magic setting.
The Triforce is not an acceptable charm in Exalted.
Not even if the three attributes are split between three players.
Just because I can speak Japanese, doesn't mean my players can.
My traps will no longer consist of triangulated vulcan cannons.
If the mission involves defusing a nuke, I cannot allow "smash it till it breaks" as a strategy.
Deus Ex Machina is not an acceptable skill for any class.
Yes, the doctor PC can tell if a person is alive, dead, or undead. Yes, even by torchlight.
Not every town with a population of less than 3000 is in truth a sect bent on world-domination/self-destruction/peace and harmony.
Under no circumstances am I to use any of Richard Wagner's operas as "mood music".
Especially not "Lohengrin".
Not allowed to name any warforged NPC Sonny.
Or Johnny 5.
Or anything beginning with a "T" and ending in a number.
Only allowed to name a Warforged NPC Alphonse if his voice doesn't sound like a 12 year-old boy.
Steam-powered magical combat mecha have their place in a number of fantasy settings. Middle-Earth is not one of them.
Neither is Unknown Armies.
You will not allow any character to make a seduction roll on any other character.
Especially if the character is another species!
You will not allow any player to make a seduction roll on any other player
You won't REQUIRE it, either.
And dear lord, characters are NEVER allowed to make a seduction roll on a player... The paper cuts alone boggle the mind.
That goes double for a character seducing their own player
If I ever again get to the point where characters are trying to seduce players, I need to hang up my screen.
Magical Pixie Wolves is meant to be a clean game. Thus no tentacle monsters.
The "Omega-13" is not a treasure you can find in a dungeon
The BBEG cannot be shorter than a pixie.
The BBEG cannot be a pixie either.
Two Wild Magic users in one party is a recipe for cosmic disaster.
I cannot base my villain on Aki Sawada, despite how cool he was.
I am not allowed to kill a character because his one-liners are better than mine
NO Redneck Trees EVER!
Especially in Earthdawn!
even more especially in Blood Wood!!!
Will not use my "metal voice" for NPC romantic interests.
Or for any NPC at all.
Will not indulge in psychoactive chemicals while writing game notes, even if it does make the plot more coherant
Will not try to turn game night into a double date. My dating inadiquacies were not meant to be shared with my friends.
Will make no more "Evil Dead II" jokes involving the Hand of Vecna. It was lame the first time.
The same goes for "fisting" jokes, even ones I think are clever.
I will not continuosly roll dice just to make players paranoid.
I'm not allowed to make the BBEG a nine fingered halfing who owns a powerful magic ring and is named frodo, agian.
I'm not allowed to make a god of sodomy who has a holy order of gay paladins.
I must not make the whole dungeon one giant acid trap with the one exit sealed by a unbreakable but clear barrier, again.
A paragon half red dragon tarrasque as a random encounter is right out.
exspecially when the PCs are only level one.
The paragon template is offlimits.
Just because I think the whole party being TPKed by a band of cheerleader squirrels is funny doesn't mean the players think so.
I should not use the spell explosive runes more than twenty times when making a dungeon.
Similary I should diffenently not use it well over a thousand times in a single room.
Just because I have a "liquid elemental" on my mutations chart does not mean a player can be nitroglycerin
I am no longer allowed to run a campaign wherein the PCs are sent to investigate a circus and wind up as the sideshow attraction.
Players with the "Schizoid" flaw are not allowed to take "Chemistry" or "Ordinance" as skills.
The dice themselves cannot be made into a monster E.G. the random collective.
Players are always looking for weapons in places that don't have them, like music shops and I should accomdate that.
However, no one is allowed to buy the Thunder-Zap Accordion.
Especially not one with the Animation superpower.
Per requests from the other players, if the stunt is longer than two paragraphs, I am to just tell the player to shut up and take three dice.
The Retcon field from Decade is not appropriate for any campaign.
Am not allowed to "wing" a campaign involving the overthrow of a secret group controlling the American government.
Am not allowed to play out NPCs' tactics unless I can beat at least the first Terran mission in Starcraft.
Am not allowed to pause the session in the middle of a climactic battle and say, "I'm hungry. What's Pizza Hut's phone number again?"
Unless hosting an online game, am not allowed to accept players who live far enough away to need to stop for gas on the way to my house.
While arguably perfect and possibly adept at certain things, my girlfriend can never start a pre-Awakening Mage chronicle as a Perfected Adept.
I must never again base vampiric Bloodlines on any of the following phrases: "hemophilia," "blood angel," "like a Tarrasque, but," or "like a Tarrasque butt."
NPCs who are literally full of crap are only, repeat ONLY, appropriate for Low Life campaigns.
Say it with me: No Uratha shall encounter a Maeljin before their First Change.
The Fair Folk are not preparing for a massive assault on the entirety of reality if I'm running Changeling: the Lost.
Spontaneous immunity to hand-forged iron forfeits my pizza rights at the next five sessions I'm in, GMng or not.
May never again accept any Worst Nightmare that involves any character a child younger than seven would recognize.
My players don't care how creepy the abandoned bakery is at night, they will not tolerate a fight with a Cookie Monster.
The Prince of Darkness has none of the following: a British accent, a dysfunctional family, his own reality show or a history of drug use.
The battle music from Lord of the Rings is never appropriate for interrupting a quiet street scene. There are better, subtler ways to make the players paranoid.
There is no cleric spell titled, "Meet My CR 45 Divine Boss." If I decide that there is, I am not allowed to restrict such a spell to low-level NPCs.
I must not run a game with an Evangelion-like feel in which the players play as themselves.
Especially without sufficiently warning the players just how dark and hopeless it's going to be.
I may not roll dice on occasion and laugh maniacally.
"The Ruptured Halfling" is not an appropriate NPC.
Any character type forbidden for Mr. Welch is likewise forbidden for NPCs.
It is bad-form to demand that players come up with half a dozen different characters before each session, only to run out of living PCs half-way through the evening/afternoon. Therefore, I shall not do so.
Friend Computer and other Alpha Complex items or personalities belong in [Classified] and not in other game systems.
I shall not exceed the comfort limits of my players. Specifically, having an NPC rape a PC is out of the question without agreement beforehand.
If I do break rule #555, the player is entitled to switch to a GMing role, run several sessions during which I get used to my character and grow a bond with him/her, and then rape my PC to death with ents.
Railroads should be used to ferry goods and people from one physical location to another, not to ferry hapless PCs from one predetermined plot-point to another.
However funny the botching results might be, we can assume that PCs are able enough to walk, drink ale or carry on an intelligible conversation without rolling dice. They are heroes, after all.
I shall not court players through in-game events.
I shall not work out my aggression from work that day without fair warning and without giving the players equal opportunity to act out.
I shall not lick anyone or anything not normally considered edible, not even if it adds to the atmosphere.
I'm not allowed to quote Monty Python either.
OK, if the players do I can join in.
But not the entire Dead Parrot sketch.
Especially in reference to one of the PCs' corpses.
While film references are best kept to a minimum, three-breasted hookers are mandatory in most SF bars.
Thou shalt not use character sheets as toilet paper to "communicate the true horror of what your character suffered"
PCs however can be used as toilet paper if they fail their Hide check sufficiently badly while snooping through a Storm Giant's privy.
Pub names should contain a minimum amount of innuendo. The Pink Weasel and the Rutting Stag are not a good idea.
That said, Naked Mole Rat is a good name for anything.
The GM may cheat on the game rules to a degree. But just like all types of cheating: Don't get caught. The players know you're cheating, but they're employing doublethink to believe that you're following the rules just like everyone else. Don't ruin their hard work.
The plot is not set in stone. It's set in paper or datafile. Paper is cheap. Datafiles are cheaper. If the plot has to be changed to account for player or PC behavior and actions, then the plot will be changed.
Never again allowed to use "Storm Giantess Menstrual Flood" as a hazard in any game.
On a related note, never again allowed to have an entire vampire clan consisting of lesbians who only feed during the victims' "time of the month".
If I'm not running my favorite setting or system, I will remember this, and shall not run it just as if it were.
I may like my pet NPC, but he or she is not, never will be, never has been and never should have been more important than or even as important as the PCs. The PCs are the heroes of the game. The NPCs are just set pieces. Even the awesome ones.
Never again allowed to GM while under the influence of alcohol, weed, psychotropic drugs, amphetamine... ah, hell, this can go on all day, any illegal substances.
Unless the PCs are under the influence too.
My computer geek cred is not so great that the player playing the computer geek will have more fun if I play his character for him.
If the player of said character would rather have implied that my hacker villain raped his PC, I have broken rule #579.
He said IMPLIED.
Rules 580-582 also apply to other hobbies.
At no point can I introduce the weapon '+7 long staff of charm monster', or any other innuendos as weapons.
If it's not feaseable without being overpowered and/or breaking the rules, I cannot do it.
This is partially annulled, however, if the PCs min-max.
If my plot gets completely destroyed by the PCs, I will not make the noise of a crashing train.
No naming the NPCs after the players themselves, unless they have common names which I was going to use anyway.
I cannot create an NPC with unrealisitic links to a PC without the player's expressed permission, and I cannot do it anyway if I cannot recite the link within three seconds.
No Mary Sues. If they can't do it, I can't either.
No NPCs can have a backstory which I myself would outright reject.
I won't break my own rules.
There's no such thing as a Vorpal Vibrator in D&D (maybe in FATAL).
I am allowed to drop rocks on any player who names his character Drizz't, Drzzt, Brzzt, Drizzit or any other lame name.
A loincloth is not acceptable table wear (for males).
Do we really need to roll 2D6 for "size"?
I will not insist that the players act out the casting of spells, and then penalize them for "doing it wrong".
Google maps does not display Coruscant.
Ignoring PCs' stats in favor of flipping a coin thrice in a row to determine their ability to get past an obstacle does not constitute a "minigame" that establishes a console-like feel.
It is further inadmissable to insist that people declare "heads" or "tails" just because the coins don't have "left" and "right" printed on them.
I must answer enough of the players' questions to allow them to create characters with a minimum of personality and background.
Subjective reality is no excuse for a complete lack of world-building.
I must not rewrite my homebrew game system every time my GMPC has a brush with death.
Nor anytime a PC upstages my GMPC.
I can no longer describe character actions in left, left, right, right, up, down, punch when playing the Street Fighter RPG.
He who dies with the most dice does NOT win.
When I play Vampire, I do not need to dress the part.
The same for Werewolf.
and Ironclaw.
I will never again run a campaign that: compares Midichlorians to AIDS, a TOON version of the Holocaust, or the Tomb of Rectal Horrors complete with downloaded colonoscopy images.
No plot point is so important that I have to restrict PC actions to protect it.
No event is so important I have to control the PCs during it.
I may not use settings from books that all the players hate.
This holds twice over with Twilight.
Any rule on this list can be broken with the players' consent.
The choice of gametype counts as consent. Every rule but #555 may be broken during a game of Paranoia Zap.
I am not allowed to require that the players devote 20 hours per week or more to my game.
That's MY job.
A reasonable number of bathroom breaks will not destroy the flow of the narrative. Even if it did, it's not that important.
All props must be legal in the jurisdiction the game is being played.
The GM is not God. Nor a god. Not even a gawd.
There is a spoon, provided that this isn't a Matrix game.
Answering player questions about whether a spoon is in the area with the Matrix quote previously alluded to is not as clever as I think it is.
Particularly not in a kitchen, dining room, cafeteria, restaurant, coffee shop, or break lounge.
Not allowed to use light grenades anymore.
Even if I remove the tag.
Especially if I remove the tag.
This goes double if the light grenade looks like a regular grenade.
And was included in a box of regular grenades a PC purchased.
I will no longer remove the heads of dead PC's minis and stick them on spikes on my GM screen.
Jesus can not be my GMPC.
I will not celebrate any character deaths with a quick Oompa-Loompa song.
I am no longer allowed to run games involving body-swapped characters.
Nor characters who have swapped personality traits, turning the sweet, shy nerd into a brazen hussy or the 'bad girl' into a modest little goody-two-shoes.
Gender-swapped characters are right out.
I do not earn bonus prizes by introducing a ridiculous number of lesbian NPCs.
I am not allowed to introduce further lesbian or bisexual NPCs until I have (a) introduced more straight NPCs and (b) introduced a few more gay men, too.
I am not allowed to increase the incidence of homosexuality among superpowered beings.
I am not allowed to write slash involving player characters.
I am not allowed to write slash involving players.
I am not allowed to write slash involving players' families.
Posting any of the above online will get me soundly beaten.
The Power Rangers, Care Bears, Superman, Batman, Doctor Who, and Stargate SG-1 are not acceptable crossover fodder for a Buffy game.
They are especially inappropriate for D&D.
That goes double for Call of Cthulhu.
I am certainly not allowed to hide an essential MacGuffin in Angel Grove, California and make the PCs use anything like a morpher, Power Weapons or Zords ever, ever again.
Magic squares and sudoku games are not acceptable puzzle-locks.
Loreena McKennit, the Eagles, and Avril Lavigne are not acceptable artists for a game soundtrack, unless they are used ironically.
I cannot arbitrarily declare something to be ironic without learning what the definition of irony is.
I am not permitted to ignore the definition of irony.
I am no longer permitted to invoke irony.
I will not get annoyed when my players can't remember the pronunciation of names in Gaelic, Latin, or Swahili.
Not even when they begin to come up with random words to mock my choice.
I am not permitted to arbitrarily kill, transmogrify, brain damage or rename PCs because their players mocked the NPC with the completely arcane Gaelic name.
I am not allowed to make up names without vowels or with more than one apostrophe.
I am no longer allowed to arbitrarily place apostrophes.
Until I can be trusted with apostrophes again, all apostrophe use must be approved by the group.
I may not, instead, arbitrarily use periods, commas, colons, question marks, exclamation points, tildes, diacritic marks, or glottal stops.
The English language is a privilege, not a right.
I am not allowed to give the villain "Immunity: Player Characters".
If, to demonstrate the setting's seedier elements, I have the characters come across a cock fight, I should be prepared for snickering. (Yeah, I did this once. Bad idea)
Just because actual Greek myth was full of kinky sexual behavior, does not mean it's appropriate to incorporate into the game without player consent.
This goes double if we're playing a Teen Supers game.
Khrrr'tt'k is not an appropriate name for a recurring NPC who insists on being referred to by name.
NPCs' names are no longer allowed to contain any syllable, phoneme or consonant not found in an English word.
Not allowed to attempt to convince players that a word is an English one in order to use a specific phoneme from it in an NPC name.
The pronunciation of NPCs' names should be obvious if the word is seen written down.
Khil'roe'whaziir is not an appropriate name for a demon, and it should not appear every time graffiti is read aloud.
EVEN IF all demons in the setting may appear when their name is said.
May only characterise NPCs with an accent if it is not so thick as to be incomprehensible.
No longer allowed to use anything learned from study of foreign languages other than Latin, French and German at the table.
No longer allowed to distribute playing cards before the session and declare that this campaign is using The Chairman's Game for a system.
Especially during an ongoing D&D campaign.
References to Mao Zedong are hereby restricted to campaigns involving Communist China.
Communist China is not a country in Returned Abeir.
No longer allowed to have Oompa Loompas come out of the wood works and sing every time a PC dies doing I warned them against.
Nor am I allowed to conjure up some dancing Trow for a rousing rendition of "It's Bad Luck To Be You".
Singing, Dancing Drow are right out.
No longer allowed to force someone to play Sith Ewok Demolition Specialists.
Nor any character that was clearly a joke, even if it fits the setting.
I will not have the PCs find the SDF-1 and a full complement of Veritech Fighters and Destroid combat mecha inside a hollowed out asteroid while they are performing missions for the Rebel Alliance.
May not veto silly names for PCs only to then give NPCs names like Goretex, Gin & Tonic, etc.
A first-time GM should not run a game online with sign-ups the never close and no cap on the number of players.
Characters in Maid RPG do not default to lesbian. This goes double for butlers.
Unicron is not appropriate for Call of Cthulhu.
Mimics can no longer take the form of a character's underwear.
On a related note, I may no longer use D&D monsters in Maid RPG.
The fate of the world is never again to be settled with card games.
On a related note, I am forbidden from even mentioning strip poker ever again.
I am not allowed to distribute any part of Vecna that does not appear in an official sourcebook. Doubly so if the part in question cannot be shown on television.
I will not tell my players that firearms are rare items in my fantasy game, then proceed to have every city watchmen and bandit armed with them. And if my players defeat said NPCs, I cannot claim as they loot the bodies that all of the firearms are broken.
I will not stat up the Gazebo.
I cannot describe the Wand of Endless Wonder as a sex toy ever again.
I will not physically demonstrate Thulsa Doom's orgy temple using Hello Kitty figurines.
Will not allow the new PC to die with one punch from another PC by a randomly introduced house rule.
Will not allow player characters to give Fenris Ulf a flea bath.
Will not have ghouls talk like Boomhauer or Karl Childers from Sling Blade in a Fantasy game.
Rhyming Goblins? Just No.
Is not allowed to set up bureaucratic encounters that are less interesting than a real world trip to the department of motor vehicles.
"Ceiling Cat" is not an acceptable trap to run across in a dungeon. Even (especially) if Ceiling Cat is a Smilodon, or actually a Kobold in a cat costume.
No, neither otyughs nor neo-otyughs speak like LOLcats. This issue is closed.
There is not an old guy with a laser sword and a dull-witted farm boy under his protection in every tavern, just waiting for any excuse to cut off a PC's arm. This goes double for Star Wars-related games.
Unless I'm playing an Asterix & Obelix RPG, I am not allowed to have NPCs named after alcoholic drinks (like "Ginnan Tonik" or "Cosmo Politan").
I am not allowed to homebrew an Asterix & Obelix RPG.
I will not ask my players to roll perception to notice an NPC's mustache-twirling.
I will not have the High Priestess of Lolth sport a mustache for her to twirl.
I will not detail a Sailor Moon-like transformation every time one of my Werewolf players shifts to Gauru.
I am not allowed to run a Spelljammer campaign heavily based on Super Mario Galaxy.
I am not allowed to put 'A can of whoop ass' in one slot of a kender pouch.
I am not allowed to put 'A superman cape' that allows players to fly, in one slot of a kender pouch.
I am not allowed to put 'A lightning bolt' in one slot of a kender pouch.
Especially when the PCs are all knee deep in a stream.
In Dark Sun.

1001 things Mr. Raymond can't do when he GMs

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