Many Happy Returns
Hardly a day goes by without a boom. I hope Joshua's packed earplugs. Thanks, Andy!--Maer.
Thursday, 13 Nov 2521
Guest House, Johannsen/Earhart Ranch
Boros, Georgia (Huang Long) system
2335hrs, local time
I’d gone to town and bartered a few small repairs for the pencils and paper that now covered the kitchen table. I’d scored a thick roll of butcher’s paper, waxed on one side and left unadorned on the other. It was perfect for the heavy use I put it through, plotting the Smartship program on the Exeter. Or trying to, anyway. I had the deck plan drawn and the wiring I’d tracked blazed crooked red paths right through it. Diagrams sufficed for the systems affected. The sketches and notes I’d taken for the past week lay scattered across the drawing—taken on the fly as I’d made my initial assessment—and I transferred the info where appropriate. Once I had the master plan done, I would take it to Joshua and Nika and work up a reclamation schedule for our ship. Assuming everything I’d drawn was actually correct. It was hard to tell—a ship Exeter’s size did not give her secrets up easily and the only way to be sure was to dismantle her, a state we weren’t willing to risk.
I’d like to get my hands on the govniuk who thought having a machine do your thinking for you was a really good idea. Too easy to screw it up. Obviously.
I picked up my coffee without looking and sipped it. Stone cold. I made a face and rose to get a refill. My vision greyed and the room swam. I clutched my chair and managed to stay upright as I waited for my dizziness to pass.
Been sitting still too long. Maybe I should eat something.
---
Joshua drifted awake in their bed in the guest room. He moved his hand over to the other side of the bed intending to give Rina a rub on the arm, but her side of the bed was empty. In fact, the covers were still pulled up tight on that side. He rubbed his eyes and looked at the clock. Half an hour until midnight. He had gone to bed a couple of hours ago. He liked getting up early to fix breakfast and enjoy a few moments of quiet before the day got started. Rina needed to get some sleep too, he thought. She was still healing and while her workload was light, it wasn't total bed rest either.
He sat up and slid a set of pants from the floor on. When he left the bedroom, the light on in the kitchenette told him exactly where Rina was. He walked in to find her sitting at the table, pencils and papers scattered in front of her. He sighed. "Do I need to write you a note to remind you to sleep too?"
---
I didn't remember sitting back down but there I was, parked in the chair and blinking my vision clear.
"Maybe you should." I rubbed the back of my neck. The crick that tended to plague me had returned. I cut a wry grin over my shoulder at him. "'Course, I'd have to bother to read it first."
---
He stepped in behind her and started rubbing her neck and shoulders with long, firm strokes. He could feel the tenseness in her muscles, which didn't really surprise him. She lived in a general state of tenseness interrupted by moments of peace. "Let me guess, you haven't really eaten either. Been sitting here, working and sustaining yourself through coffee and stubborness."
Joshua shook his head as he continued massaging the knots out of her muscles. "Someday I will convince you that you'd be a lot more effective operating within normal parameters instead of trying to run at 135 percent efficiency all the time."
---
I sank into his hands as he kneaded out the knots. I had a pretty strong grip, given the rigors of my job, but there really was no way to self-massage my aches and pains. It took another person to do that.
"Anything over 100% is overkill and not efficient at all. The extra could be better allocated elsewhere," I said before I could stop myself. I sighed and tipped my face to his. "Like this. Thanks."
---
"Missing the point again, Rina. Sometimes, not rushing in full speed to everything ends up being a better tactic." He was talking about her need to work too hard, but her quickly re-established friendship with Kiera also came to mind.
---
“Never could get anything past you.” I shook my head and closed my eyes and gave up the chance to argue. As he worked on my shoulders in the quiet, I took stock internally. Neck and shoulders—feeling rather good. Injuries: complaints down to a whisper. Stomach: empty and surprised I’d finally noticed. Hmm. Maybe I should do something about that.
“As much as I love what you’re doing right now, I’ll need to get up in a minute and slap a sandwich together.” I cracked an eye to look at him. “No point in going to bed hungry.”
---
"I'll fix it for you," he offered. "It's not full dinner or anything, but it'll give me a chance to use my rusty cooking skills."
He rubbed her shoulder for a minute more, then after a final squeeze, walked over to the small fridge to see what they had available. "Looks like roast beef. You good with that?"
---
“You kidding? It’s meat, ain’t it?” I quipped, grinning. “Got any horseradish to go with it?” I asked next, hoping he’d bend over to give the fridge another look. Just so I could enjoy the view.
---
"All the condiments of your choosing," he said, as he reached back in and grabbed the horseradish along with a selection of veggies and the sandwich bread. He found a knife in one of the drawers and sliced off some bread to throw in the toaster. Then he turned around to start chopping some onion.
As he chopped, he called back over his shoulder. "How goes the ship?"
---
"Slowly," I growled softly. "I don't have access to the wiring diagrams and there's no tracing it manually without tearing her to pieces. It's mostly extrapolation at this point. Speculation. Guesswork." I hissed the last word with distaste and started gathering my papers together. I tapped them harshly straight and rolled up the plan. I'd scrounged some string earlier and tied the plan closed. "Was talking to Beglan about it and he said he'd check out the CPU tomorrow, maybe crack a file open or something and see if it’s not buried in the Smartship code. You know, all this crap makes me wonder if Potemkin got a lemon palmed off him by whoever sold him the ship. Or if he stole it without giving it a test run first."
I snorted softly and gathered up my pens.
"Serves him right. I like to think that karmically speakin--shit..." A pen dove off the table and rolled under it. I stretched a booted toe after it but I lacked a scant inch to recover it. I'd have to go in after the damned thing and I dreaded the stab I knew was coming. I slid my chair back and paused, considering the best angle of attack. See, Joshua? I don't always rush into things without thinking.
---
"In this case," he said smiling as he put the knife down on the counter, "your best plan of attack is to use all available resources." And he crouched down, picked up the pen, and put it on the table. Rina had definitely gotten better about asking for help. She wasn't all the way there yet though, he thought. Besides, if she ever was completely perfect at asking for help when she needed it, he'd lose something to tease her with.
The toast popped as he went back to the counter and he started spreading a little horseradish on both pieces with the knife. "You do realize I'm not going to let you rip the whole system out, right? Even if you could manage it without destroying crucial systems."
---
"As if I'd do that.” Again, a gentle snort followed by a perplexed glare. “Look, as much as I hate the Smartshit, I'm not going to ground us by ripping Exeter apart digging the danmed thing out. We need her flightworthy. Until I see Potemkin's body, I have to believe he's still alive and gunning for us. We Russians are positively vampiric that way. Cut off our heads, stake us through the heart, stuff our mouths full of garlic, and bury us at a crossroads if you don't want us coming back. It's the only way to be sure." I rose to put my arms around him from behind and held him close. I closed my eyes and felt the muscles of his back slide smoothly under his shirt; breathed in the scent of him, still warm and musky from bed. "I'm not kidding. We can be an obsessive lot. When we fight a hundred-year feud over the ownership of a broken samovar that survived the Exodus, that's should tell you something about how tenacious we are. Trust me. If Potemkin’s managed to survive, he’ll come after us.”
---
Her hands, as always, felt nice on him. In spite of (or perhaps because of, he thought) her love of machines, she had a remarkably smooth touch with her hands. Her touch sent a small shiver down him, which he shook off lest in get in the way of more important things. Like Rina eating.
"An obsessive lot? I never would have guessed," he replied snarkily as he put the lettuce and onion and tomato on top of the roast beef. He slipped them between the two toasted pieces of bread and with a tight grip handed the sandwich over his shoulder. "While I like you there, might want to grab this and sit down. I'll pour you a glass of water." She did NOT need more coffee before going to bed. He would think that this crew bled coffee from the amount they drank. But, he somberly reminded himself, you've seen too much blood lost to think that. He looked over at Rina as she sat down, her wounds just on the cusp of being healed up. Definitely too much blood.
---
Joshua's sandwiches never failed to please, being a delightful mixture of textures and flavors: crisp and succulent, savory and sweet, wet and dry, rough and smooth. The aroma off the toast had set my mouth to watering and when I finally took a bite, the sandwich did not disappoint. The pungent sting of the horseradish faded to a piquant sweetness as the lettuce and tomato cut through the heat. The beef was succulent and aged to perfection. The onion added to the crunch of the veggies and the toast gave way with that perfect toothsome snick. I got the first bite past my lips and ducked as the tomato gushed, dribbling juice down my chin. I mopped it with my finger without thinking and froze, reminded of another tomato and another finger licked clean. Aware of whose company I was keeping, I sucked it up and kept on eating and put the sandwich down when I was halfway through.
"Hungrier than I thought." I sipped my water and gave him a deprecating smile."Thanks."
---
"That would be because you didn't hardly eat dinner today, love." He washed the knife off and dried it before putting it away. Just because he was only borrowing the kitchen didn't mean he was going to start slacking off with clean up. In fact, the temporary nature of it was even more reason to be diligent. He would miss cooking in flight, if Kiera was right about his responsibilities shoving aside time to cook. He thought he would have time though. Nika spent lots of time on the bridge when she was captain and he wouldn't have to do that. Not being the pilot and all.
---
"Nala's a great cook, but she's not you," I said, picking up my sandwich again. The horseradish assaulted my sinuses again and I sniffed deeply before continuing. "Not to dismiss her cooking, but I'd rather have a sandwich and you instead of a room packed with people and food."
---
He pulled out the chair across from Rina and sat down. "So, Rina," and he could feel the captain in him squirming its way to the front, "talk to me about Kiera."
---
I quickly finished my sandwich and brushing the crumbs from my fingers, pushed my plate aside.
"How deep in the doghouse am I with the crew?" I asked, my tone inviting a grilling. In truth, I hadn't missed the occasional looks the others sent my way. I knew my forgiving Kiera would strike them as a vast deviation of my character and I wanted to ask Joshua for the details but held my tongue. If you keep quiet, you might learn something.
---
"Nobody's in the doghouse, Rina." Except Kiera, of course, he thought. But that was a given at the moment. "Tell me why you think you're in the doghouse."
Joshua wanted to hear it from her because he wasn't sure she really understood what part of her behavior he, Nika, and Arden were struggling to understand.
---
"Kiera. For not wanting a bloody piece of her. I forgave her and it doesn't look as if the rest of the crew understands why." I said without rancor. "Not that I blame them--I know it's a departure from the expected. I just don't know if I can explain it."
---
He shook his head. "135 percent, Rina." As he thought, she didn't quite get it. To be fair, it was a subtle distinction. "Everyone forgives in their own time. We may not completely understand your reasons but that's your decision. What is confusing the gorram hell out of us is how full speed it is. 0 to Pulse in 5 seconds. From total betrayal and vow for revenge to best friends for life in no time at all."
---
"It's not that we're best friends, Joshua. We're not. I don't trust her as much as everyone apparently thinks I do--you trust your friends, after all. I...," I paused, not entirely sure how to say it. "After everything that happened to us on the Gift, getting out alive and then surviving the cold and the GULag, revenge was pointless. If revenge was pointless, so was withholding forgiveness. I don't think what she did was right, Joshua, but I also don't think she was responsible for what Potemkin did to us. It wasn't her hand that put the bombs together or wired up the rabid dogs or cut me open to shove that O-ring inside. Potemkin did it. Not her. Him. He's the one I blame because, realistically speaking, Potemkin was already there on Newhope. If Kiera hadn't turned us over and Byshek hadn't already agreed to act as go-between, Potemkin would have found another way to get us."
I sighed and scrubbed my face and tried not to relive the events on the Gift. They scrambled up from memory anyway. Waking up in the dark. Finding that freshly sutured wound. The gas bomb and sick twist in my stomach as I realized there weren't enough gas masks to go around ... I shoved the images and emotions back in their box and slammed the lid shut. I'd deal with it later in my dreams when I slept. As I'd had on far too many nights once we'd won free.
"But that's not all of it. Kiera's ... Kiera's pretty much never had to own up to the consequences of her actions. Being rich and privileged, it's easy to grow up without having done it. And truth to tell, Joshua, if she were as morally bankrupt a person as she seems on the surface over this, she would never have come back for us at the GULag. Or even back on Newhope, where she was free to let Potemkin fly off and take us out of her hair. She'd found someone on Newhope, someone important, someone she cared for. She left him to go back and salvage what she could. Maybe save us. I don't know. The situation wasn't set up for that, so she tried to save what she could--the money she knew we had. She thought to save it in an escrow account to let it accrue value until we returned. By her lights, by her background, that was the honorable thing to do in the absence of being able to do anything else.
"More than that, the point to all this is: she was confronted with the realization that she'd handed people over to be led unsuspecting to slaughter. This wasn't killing in combat, this wasn't killing for mercy when nothing else could be done. This was turning people over to be slaughtered and to her credit, for all her upbringing where ruining a man during your lunch hour and moving to the next victim by dinner was nothing strange, she tried to do something about it. Instead she was caught and was forced to witness the consequences of her actions. She was trapped on a ship with a psychotic madman and a twisted doctor, both of whom would have strapped her to a table and carved her up alive if they'd known how horrified and wrong she'd felt what they'd done to us was. She had to smile and lie to their faces and bide her time until she could save herself or save us.
"I've been in those shoes, Joshua. I've been trapped by events not of my choosing, have seen them go sideways, and had to act as if unaffected by my part in the process. Furthermore, I've done things without being able to know how many people died by my actions. I could only do what I had to do and hope for the best. If I'd had just one person, just one, stand with me during that entire mess, I'd like to think I would have come out the other side better than I did. But that's not how the Verse unfolded for me and there's no point in dwelling on why. It only matters that I take that lesson learned and apply it. Kiera needs someone in her corner and as someone who's fought that fight before, I'm the only person here who can stand with her.
"I know that's a lot to take in, Joshua, and good luck explaining it to everyone else, but I had a chance to turn my back on her on Meadow--hell, I could have slit her throat the second her back was turned--and I refused to take it. Had I, it would have killed something that Potemkin wanted to but failed to destroy. It would have cost me my humanity, what humanity I had left, and for the sake of my soul and Kiera's, I couldn't let that happen. So I forgave her. I didn't condone what she did, but I bought her time. Time to come to grips with what she'd done. I'm not entirely sure if it was wise to do it, but I know it was right. I have to believe that."
Saying anything else was pointless, so I shut up and let the words sink in.
And if that wasn’t 135%, Joshua, your gauges need recalibrating.
---
Joshua sat at the table quietly, doing what he did best - listening and absorbing motivation. In an odd way, he was strangely proud of Rina. She identified with someone, found their similarities, and then used those for forgiveness rather than violence. She was taking things from him, it seemed. Just why in the bloody hell did she have to do it when he was still angry with Kiera? That was Rina. Even when she was doing what he wanted, she had to find a way to make it difficult.
When she had finished, he leaned back in his chair, his eyes closed. When he opened his eyes and his mouth, it was to say what had really been festering down in the pit of his stomach. "It hurt me when you chose her over me, you know." He forced himself to keep his eyes focused instead of looking away like he wanted to do. "I understand it. But it hurt. And I imagine that is what the rest of the crew is feeling."
---
"The hell I did." I shot to my feet and my chair shot back and my blood pressure shot through the roof. " You see me tellin' her all our secrets? You see me sleeping with her? God, Joshua, that's a helluva thing to say to me." I had to get out of there. I shoved off the table and slammed out the front door. The cold stopped me dead in my tracks. My breath frosted as I tried to get a grip on my anger. Last thing, the very last thing I wanted was a knock-down drag-out with Joshua. Not only would he mop the floor with me, it would lend more credence to his words than either of us wanted.
---
He should have known better than to honestly express his feelings. He stood up quietly, pushed the chair in and picked up Rina's glass to put in the sink. With everything straightened up, he headed back to the bedroom to go back to sleep. When or if she calmed down, she'd know where to find him.
---
The minutes ticked by as my breathing slowed and my temper cooled. My pulse ratcheted down to something approaching normal and I realized I was alone on the porch. Joshua hadn’t come out to apologize or console and that made me blink.
Huh.
I realized that I’d misunderstood damned near everything. I could stand out here until I froze—a possibility since it was cold enough to be snowing, fat white flakes feathering down like sugar—or I could go inside, apologize and hope Joshua was feeling generous enough to reboot our conversation.
Go on. Get in there. He’s waiting.
I got in there. One sweep of the kitchen area told me everything: no dishes left undone, no chair left hanging out from the table, no Joshua waiting for me.
Plan B. Get to it.
There was no way I was going to slide into bed with Joshua still dirty. The guest house had a bath sandwiched between the two bedrooms at the back. It had a shower and I took advantage of it. Solar collectors on the roof heated the water and an insulated tank next to the kitchen stove kept it warm. I quickly got in and washed the day off me, glad I was finally free of the bandages. There would be no dressings to change. And apparently no clothes either, I realized when I cut the water off a few minutes later. Joshua’s borrowed bathrobe hung on a hook next to the door and I pulled it on. I tied it shut in two shakes and took myself off to our room. The door was closed and I eased it open, not wanting to wake him if he slept. If need be, we could wait til morning to take it up again.
---
"Cold out there?" The words, calm and quiet, floated across the room as Rina stepped in.
---
I dumped my duds in a heap by the door and softly shut it. It grew instantly dark but I knew the way to the bed regardless. I sat down on my side of it and said softly, "I'm an ass. I'm sorry."
---
"Appreciated. If you want me to talk to you and not just be that guy who shares your bed every night, you're going to have to accept that sometimes I might say something you don't like or expect." Joshua sat up and rubbed her arm gently. "But I'll always be honest with you. That deserves something, right?"
---
"More than just something," I said as I slid under the blankets. "It deserves respect. I forgot that and I'm sorry. Izvinitieh, milochka. Ya solzhaliu." I didn't dare touch him. I didn't want to cozen him into anything. After all, he wasn't just the guy who shared my bed. You could pay people to do that.
---
"You just shouldn't ask questions if you don't want to hear the answer, Rina." She had started this by asking whether she was in the doghouse with the crew.
"It is going to take people time to reach the point you instantly arrived at. Don't hold it against us. And I'll do my best to understand when you stand with her."
---
"I wanted the answer. It just wasn't the one I expected." It made sense that instant, the betrayal he'd meant. That conversation Joshua had pulled Kiera from the engine room for. And my barging into the middle of it. "I ... realize now I should have kept my mouth shut and not said anything that day. On top of wounding you personally, I was insubordinate, I undermined your authority, and I shouldn't have done it. I'm sorry." I kept my hands to myself and my eyes on the ceiling. "I'm not holding anything against anyone and I'm sorry if I gave anyone that impression. I'd thought not, but ... we all know I've got big damned blind spots for things like this. I'm sorry for that, too."
I shut up then. There are only so many times you can apologize before the words lose their meaning.
---
He rubbed her arm gently. That was life for you, he thought. She was getting punished for being forgiving and understanding - the things Joshua had been working so hard to make sure the crew paid attention to. The irony was so thick he could've used it to build a bridge. And speaking of bridge building...
"I'm sorry too, Rina. You've been the better person here." He kissed her briefly. "I love you."
---
Relief cut right through me, sharp and stinging in my chest. I took in a breath, then two, and gently took his hand. When he didn't pull away, I kissed his palm and pressed it to my cheek. "I love you back."
---
"Getting late," he said quietly. "Probably past midnight. We should get some sleep. Yet another busy day ahead." Joshua caressed her cheek. Even when she drove him nuts, he still loved her with an intensity that hurt. Guess that's how you know it's love.
---
"If it's past midnight, there's one more thing I need to say." I turned to him and sliding my hands up until I found his face, I leaned in and kissed him. "Happy birthday, Joshua."
To read more on Joshua, go to Joshua's Crew Page
Go back to: Timeline Season Four, April 2521 to Dec 2521
Go to Peripatetica - Rina's Journal entry and RP log
Go to Rina's Russian Glossary
Go to Rina's Crew Page
Go to EPISODES or TIMELINE
