RP Entry: Spree

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Re: Andy and ball parks. We need to build them bigger. You'll know why when you read it. Thanks, Andy!--Maer



Saturday, 16 Aug 2521
Pericles Station
1410hrs, local time

As he sat on his bunk, Joshua folded the last of the clothes he had bought, a dark red short sleeve shirt - no collar and these wonderful gold buttons. He fingered them briefly before putting the shirt in the pile next to him. He glanced over the small collection of shirts, pants, and underwear that Nika had basically ordered him to buy. Thanks to Nika's persistence, he now had enough clothes that he didn’t need to do laundry every other day just to make sure he wouldn't run short. Until now, he had been living off his original clothes from the Trafalgar and some clothes from Christian. Oh, and hand-me-downs from Rick's closet.

At the thought of Rick, Joshua smiled a little and lifted his eyes to the ceiling. Somewhere out there, he thought, Captain Awesome is regaling an angel with his story about how he pistol whipped a Reaver to death. The image struck him so much that he decided to sketch it. He opened the drawer beneath his bunk and put away his clothes. He then reached into the drawer and pulled out his sketchpad and pencils. He ended up about halfway through the first rough draft when the knock came at his cabin door.

--

I'd rushed through my usual morning maintenance, giving the status board one last look before grabbing a quick wash and change. Thanks to our recent activities, I had credits burning a hole in my pocket and a need to spend them. It was an unaccustomed state of affairs after three years of living lean and the thought of having all that money made me giddy. I would need someone to keep me grounded and I knew exactly who that person would be. I pulled on the red shirt and black denim skirt combo I'd worn on the Victoria job, combed my fingers through my hair and for a second considered the wild notion of cosmetics. Common sense reasserted itself an instant later and I quit my quarters for Joshua's, my tall boots ringing on the deck plates for the three steps it took to reach his door. I checked my zip line, saw it was straight, and knocked.

"Joshua?"

---

As Rina knocked on his door, he wondered if he should say something about being okay to just come in...and decided against it. He thought he had mentioned it before, but even if he had, it was no big deal. "Come in," he replied to the knocking. He laid his pad face down on his desk and started putting his pencils away as the door opened and Rina walked in. She was wearing that red shirt she liked so much, which made him want to pull out some of his new clothes and put them on. It was silly though. He'd get to wear them soon enough.

---

I opened the door and poked my head in.

“Hey. I’ve got money in my pocket and if I don’t spend it, it’s gonna burn my britches off. Help me spend it?” I bit my lip on hearing my words and thought that the giddiness was really going to my head if I sounded that … well, giddy.

---

Having just come back from shopping, it wasn't his most favorite idea, but his most favorite person was asking. He could stand doing more shopping as long as she was there. Joshua stood up and walked over to the door. When he got there, he looked Rina up and down and smiled appreciatively. The outfit looked good on her and she didn't get out of those coveralls of hers often enough. "Sure you don't want to stay in?" he asked teasingly as he reached out and lightly ran a finger down her arm.

---

That finger of his made every nerve snap to attention and I stepped all the way in and booted his door shut, the devil in me noting Joshua's frank gaze and reveling in it.

"Maybe." Two could play that game. I leaned back against his door, putting my hands behind me and propping a foot on it. "Not sure. I have a list as long as my arm. You got anything to beat that, mister?"

Oh my yes, giddy.

--

"Hmmm, do you mind if I measure your arm?" As he asked, he put out both of his hands and pretended to start measuring. As he did it, he used all his skills to keep from smirking. His Blue Sun handlers probably had not pictured him using his training as a flirting technique. "Hmmm, I guess not. But thankfully, I'm pretty sure you love me for my food anyway." And he snuck in a quick kiss on the lips.

--

Had anyone told me a year ago that Joshua could be a devilish flirt, I wouldn't have believed it. Then again, had anyone told me I'd be flirting right back, it would have led to blows. As it was, Joshua's kiss made every inch of me ache for him. He and I had come off our courtship just days ago after months of going without and I knew my reaction was partially a physical need to make up for the lack ... but not entirely. Joshua drew me in his own unique fashion, an intoxicating mix of innocence and sex appeal that was all the more attractive for its honesty, and right that second shopping was the absolute last thing on my mind.

However ...

I planted my arms on his shoulders and grinned up at him--easy to do, with his face so close to mine--and said, "You're not that bad a dish yourself, you know." I drew him down and kissed him, pressing full length into him and then pulling back. "Let's go shopping for something we can serve up for dessert tonight. Nobody will expect it and it would make a nice change of pace for everyone."

As soon as I said it, I realized there were any number of ways he could interpret it and I couldn't resist a smirk as I ran them through my head. I put my back to the door again and waited to see which way he'd take it.

---

Joshua drew in a deep breath, ready to let loose a little more snark, and decided instead just to let it go. He smiled and chuckled. "Ok, food shopping it is. Anything else on your shopping list?" Maybe he could steer towards that high end clothing store he and Nika had visited for about fifty seconds. If he paid attention, he might get a possible Christmas idea out of it.

--

"Sure," I said, giving him a slow smile and a pointed glance below his belt. "But you might want to tuck your shirt in first."

---

And he blushed as he got himself straightened out. She couldn't take him anywhere. Traded one handler for another, he thought with no small amount of amusement.

---

"Hey," I said softly, relenting. I knew how much he hated blushing. "If you'd rather not, I could go alone." I briefly wondered if he was one of those who'd rather have his eyes gouged out than go shopping or if he was one of those rare males who actually enjoyed the activity. There were so many things I didn't know about him yet, despite our relationship, and those unmapped portions only made Joshua more appealing.

---

Joshua couldn’t decide whether to tell her he’d already been shopping once today. On the one hand, it clearly wasn’t a big deal. On the other hand, he felt oddly guilty that he had gone out shopping first with Nika and not Rina, like he had violated some unwritten rule.

Rule Number 251: Always make sure on the rare occasion you go shopping that you take your girlfriend not your Captain.

If she asked, he decided, he’d tell her, but otherwise he’d just leave it alone. “No, it’s fine. I’d be glad to help you shop. It’d be worth it just for your company.”

---

"Thanks," I said, relieved. "It's been a long time since I had anything like mad money and I don't want to blow it on anything stupid." I waited until he'd made himself presentable and then pulled his door open. "Don't tell anyone but I want to pick up a few things for the crew. Christmas is coming and I don't know when I'll have the money or the opportunity to get them anything the way I do now. So ...." I waved him into the corridor ahead of me. "No time like the present, right?"

---

"No pun intended, I assume," he said dryly as he stepped out. He held out his hand in front of him. "Lead on, milady. Shopping for the ship is one thing. I'll let you lead when it comes to shopping for personal things."

---

"I may need your advice on that," I admitted as I led the way to the airlock. "I haven't much practice doing it. I think the last time I really had a chance to get something nice for myself was ...," I trailed off, trying to pin it down. The red dress. Almost two years ago. Now lost to the Lenore crew, back when they were still pirates and not co-workers for Morningstar. Resentment slithered through my gut, liberally laced with regret. I'd had plans for that dress and both it and the man for whom I'd intended to wear it were gone. You're marinating. Suck it up. This ain't no pity party. I bit my lip and resolutely shoved the feelings down, dredged up a smile for Joshua, and told him the truth. "Maybe I'll find something. Maybe I won't. But I would feel better if I had someone on hand for a second opinion."

---

He nodded, understanding very well. "Nika forced me to go shopping earlier," he admitted. "I had never bought anything for myself until that point. So I understand. You know I won't hesitate to tell you that you look hot in something."

---

His compliment sparked a warm glow in my chest. Joshua did that to me, in a way that Mike never did. You could have had this a long time ago. All you had to do was open up. Stubborn idiot. I took Joshua's hand as we hit the stairs down, feeling like a kid let out from school, like an inmate released from prison. Damned near normal. I looked up at him and said, "Fair enough. But I'm drawing the line at butt floss. Just so you know."

---

He laughed and shook his head. "As long as whatever you pick out, I can take off later, I'm a happy gentleman." As he wiggled his fingers in hers, he thought that this was the kind of moment he had never known to picture and never realized he was missing. He looked over at her, her hair dancing a little with her sheer happiness and he took a mental snapshot to file away.

"Off we go," he called out happily, and walking backwards, started dragging her towards the station.

---

I let myself be dragged and for once willingly stepped off the ship without my usual suspects. Although, truth be told, given what I was wearing, I didn't have a way to hide them. My skirt stopped two inches short of my knees and hugged me tight. My shirt had a little more room to it, but wasn't loose enough to wear my rig underneath. As Joshua drew me deeper into the station, I figured had I really wanted to, I could have slipped a box cutter into my boots but given that they went nearly to my knees, it would have been too much trouble to fish for it.

No, I walked off our girl like any other civilian, off any other ship, and my usual paranoia was practically dormant. Joshua's hand felt good in mine, we were going shopping, and I wondered at the woman I was becoming. A year from now, what will I be like then? I started imaging it, but had to give it up. I could either walk or stand stunned by the possibilities that hovered just past my mind's eye, as the scope of it threatened to overwhelm. Instead I distracted myself by saying something brilliant and perceptive.

"So, where are you taking me?"

---

As they walked, he fell back beside her, hand in hand. "I figured we could do some looking before we do some actual buying." And he steered them through the hallways of the former cruiser to the first immediate open area which served as a store grouping. To his right was the fine clothing store that he and Nika had stopped in, suits and dresses on display in the front of the store. "I know we'll never use these sorts of clothes, but while we have money, we can pretend we might. And I'm pretty good at pretending, if you hadn't noticed."

---

“No, really?” I gave him a friendly nudge with my shoulder and then stilled as I took the finery in. Lush fabrics, refined in line and cut. High end. I stepped closer to the glass and spied a man's leather jacket in a rich dark chocolate brown. Simple lines, zippered front, shirt collared. Just the shade to accent Joshua's eyes. Not quite his style, though. I moved on. I trailed along the storefront, appreciating the way the display shifted with my point of view, enjoying the play of materials and color, and liking how his fingers remained laced in mine. I gave them a squeeze and looked over my shoulder. "See anything you like?" I asked him.

---

Joshua motioned with his free hand towards the accessories towards the end of one of the displays. "That watch," he said. Gold, with elaborate filigree work, the pocket watch radiated craftsmanship, even from a distance. The fine wirework of the gold chain perfectly complemented the delicate engravings of the watch itself. He had no idea when he would ever wear something like that, but they were, after all, just pretending.

He then motioned with his head towards the dress collection. "You?"

---

I took careful note of that watch, then looked where indicated and saw a vivid swatch of blue. I stepped inside the store and made my way toward it. It was a simple high-necked sheath of a dress, a sleeveless fluid run of silk velvet all the way to the floor. Incredibly soft to the touch, it was the burning cobalt of a twilight sky. Dark violet lurked in its folds and for one intense second I wanted it. I shook my head and turned away.

"Let's go," I said.

---

"Okay," he said softly. Pretend time was over and back to reality. But as they left, making sure Rina was looking forward, he glanced backward, memorizing the style and color of the dress. He had his Christmas present. Sometimes, we deserve to get what we want, even if we don't really need it.

The more budget oriented, non tourist trap stores were farther in. As they walked towards them, he brought the back of her hand up for a kiss. "You would've looked good in it, you know."

---

“I know. And if I were eight inches taller, I’d’ve bought it.” I shrugged, accustomed to the disappointment, and slipped my arm around him for a squeeze. “Can’t win them all. Besides, I’m not out here just for me. There’s the crew to consider. Did you see if Nika liked anything while you were out?” I added, thinking it would be a snap to cross her off my list if Joshua answered in the affirmative.

---

He shook his head. "Much like you, she looked at dresses, but we were only there for maybe 45 seconds before it was declared a not-practical-enough zone."

--

The bark of delighted laughter leapt out before I could stifle it and I buried my face in his shoulder, sniggering.

"Yeah, that sounds like her." I grinned up at him. "Sounds like me, too. Hang it up, Joshua. I'm not a fairy princess and neither is she."

---

In my heart, you are.

But he just smiled. "If you say so," he replied, his tone one of amusement. As they arrived at the conglomeration of random shops, he waved his arm in a circle. "So what are we shopping for? I'll warn you, I was forced to buy clothes already."

--

"Warning taken," I said. "Besides, I have a hard time picturing you in a dress." I wrinkled my nose at him and tweaked him through his shirt, then turned and surveyed the shops with a critical eye. "If you remember, last year I gave everyone something practical and everyday. Something useful. This year I'd like to get something that's a little rich, a little indulgent, something they'd like but never get for themselves. That way it'll be extra special when they do get it."

I looked back at him with a suggestive quirk of a brow.

"I might be able to double-duty yours and mine, if you're willing to share it."

---

"When do I not share? What's mine is yours, as the saying goes." He looked around the storefronts again, feeling a little clueless and still uncertain where they were actually going. Buying something indulgent was fine and all, but where did you start with that sort of thing?

--

"I don't know. Somehow, I can't picture me in your boxers." I laughed, not caring that the devil had taken my tongue and run with it. It was all part of the package, the spirit of the occasion, and just this once I was going to enjoy it.

---

"I can," he said, smiling wickedly. His mind had clearly given up living on the surface and had taken up permanent residence in the gutter.

---

I saw the look in his eye, that subtle curve to his lip, that infinitesimal bearing of his teeth that told me where his mind had gone. I traced his lip with my finger and said in a tone meant for him alone, “Maybe we should get a room. Something rich, indulgent, something we normally would never get for ourselves.”

---

He looked at her and couldn't decide whether she was joking. It didn't seem like a Rina thing to suggest but she hadn't been very Rina-like today. Not in a bad way, he amended. Just more like Rina distilled, free of some of the things that kept the Rina inside locked away. "I'm not sure," he said with a smile, "how getting a room for us counts as something indulgent for someone us. Unless you're counting the fact that they're probably happy to have us somewhere else while we're googly eyes at each other..."

---

I laughed and kissed him light and fast.

"Touché. Not much of a gift if they never get to see it, right? And I don't know about the rest of the Verse but my private life is not a spectator sport, thanks." I pulled him into a store that ran to linen goods. "Spectator sport or not, sometime it pays to upgrade your equipment ...."

---

She was just amazing. So tell her that, you fool.

"I love you, you know." His voice turned serious. "I just wanted to make sure you knew." Then he leaned down and kissed her. Let 'em spectate.

---

"I know," I whispered when the kiss ended. "I love you back." Kissing a man on the street, as it were, in full view of passersby put the lie to my comment about keeping my private life private and with an internal sigh I stepped back. Time enough for that later. Right now, you've got some shopping to do.

I held his hand and led him deeper into the store, eyeing the labels on the merchandise as I went. I had something in mind, something unapologetically sensual. Something I’d seen during our four months on Miranda but had taken a pass on. Back then, it had seemed uselessly extravagant. Not this time. I found what I wanted and stood for a minute looking over the choices. “I wish Christian were here. He’d have no trouble doing this.” I slid a look at Joshua, imagining how he’d look tangled up in the sheets neatly packaged and sitting in neat rows on the shelf. “So what do you think? White, ecru, or something with a little more color?”

---

"If it was for my room, it'd have more color." The ship was dull steel, grays and browns and blacks everywhere. They didn't get much chance to bring color in so wasting a chance on another variety of white or brown seemed to be a bit of a waste to him. He looked over the various sheets. If he spent more time in his room, he might want to get something colorful. But his time was the galley or Botany Bay or everywhere but his room.

---

I pulled a package from the shelf and held it up to him. It was a deep robin's egg blue. I pulled a maroon off the shelf next, followed by a rich buttery yellow.

"I'm terrible at this. You're the steward. What do you think?"

---

"Don't pull the steward card on me." Joshua chuckled as he said it. "For me," and he tapped his chest, "I'd say the maroon, but I'm also not the one sleeping in the room."

He took all the packages from her hands and held them in front of her in a row, color next to color next to color. "Trust your instinct. What's your first thought?"

---

"Why maroon?" I asked him, hedging, but I also really wanted to know. Color fell into unknown territory and it was one of the many aspects to Joshua I wanted to map. As for the innuendo, I let it slide.

---

"Uh-huh. Give me your color and I'll tell you why mine afterwards." She wasn't going to get out of it that easy.

---

Drat the man. He's on to me. I turned back to the shelf and pulled a forest green.

"This," I said. "I'd love to see you in this."

---

And that was so perfectly Rina. Give her 3 choices and she'd go off the reservation and find a completely different option. Joshua nodded to her in agreement. "I like the color. As to why the maroon (and the green), I like the darker, richer colors, especially when it comes to sleeping. I don't want it bright where I have to close my eyes at night."

He put the others back on the shelf where she had found them, neatly straightening them as he did so. No point in making some random employee's life harder. "You going to get the green?" he asked, turning back around to face her.

---

"Yes. I'm getting the green." I tucked the sheets under my arm and pulled the wine-red maroon to keep it company. "And these, because I'd like you to see me in them. Oh God, listen to me. I can't believe I'm having this conversation. Discussing sheets and colors and ...." I breathed a laugh and shook my head. Giddiness did have its drawbacks. "It's ... too frivolous for words. I hope you don't mind."

---

"I like seeing this part of you," he said simply.

---

His words warmed me head to toe and paradoxically made me want to weep. I turned away to look over the comforters.

"Feathers or synthetic?" I asked with my back to him, my voice going thin.

---

"Real. Always real. Both in comforters and in my women." Joshua reached his arms around her from behind and embraced her. And then with no warning, he just hefted her off the ground, laughing all the time. God, this felt so good, this time with her free of any concerns except sheet colors and comforter material. As he put her back down, he wondered, Is this what it would be like to be married, on some Border planet somewhere? He briefly, caught up in the moment, thought about asking right there in the linen shop. Then he remembered she had said no to Mike, who had known her a lot longer. So he would just keep it in the moment.

---

His embrace took me by surprise and my feet left the deck as he spun me around. His laughter was pure unalloyed joy and the depth of love running through it made my heart lurch painfully in my chest. It was all too much and to my absolute horror, I started to sob right there in the store.

---

Whoa. He was a little mortified to realize that he had gotten used to making Rina cry, but it didn't stop surprising him. "Hey, hey, you're going to get tears over your nice green sheets we have technically not paid for..." With one hand, he deftly grabbed both sets of the sheets from her by their wrappers and laid them down on the floor. Then he took her into his arms and hugged her tight.

---

I’d asked Joshua out with me because I knew I’d need his grounding influence, but this was above and beyond what I’d anticipated. I tried to pull my handkerchief from my coveralls pocket and realized too late that both were back on the Gift. Instead of my usual suspects I was in a ridiculously short skirt and a shirt that had no pockets and even with Joshua’s arms around me I felt vulnerable and exposed.

You’re making a scene. Get a grip.

The voice inside my head was dry and biting and familiar. It steadied me. I swallowed my upset and sniffed, and gave Joshua a watery smile.

“Can we just pay for these and leave? Please?”

---

"No." He shook his head. "You can have all the time in the Verse to get composed as you like, but then we're going to talk about it. You know, two adult humans having a nice conversation." He looked around the store. Nobody had even really noticed the two of them. "Nobody is watching, Rina. It's okay."

---

"Fair enough. It's the least I owe you."

I wiped my face on the back of my hand and turned to regard the comforters. "Gold, I think," I said, pulling the choice from its mates on the shelf. It was a deep ochre, almost a brown. "It'll go with the green or the red and it's not too garish. You think?"

---

"Yes, the gold will go with both." He helped Rina get the sheets and comforter, all the while wondering what was going on in her head. But he patiently waited while she checked out and gathered her bags. Positively domestic, he thought, as he trailed behind her watching the shopping bags bounce against those deliciously bare legs of hers. She needs to wear that skirt more often.

When they finally got outside, Joshua touched her arm from behind. "So, wanna pick a place and we can get something to drink and talk, maybe?"

---

I gave him the bag with the comforter to carry and gained some time to think. My first instinct was to run back to the Gift and shut myself up in my quarters. Grow up. You're not a kid anymore.

"Tea," I said, unable to resist an irrational impulse from my childhood. "I want tea. With jam."

---

Joshua nodded. "We can do that." He walked over to the directory posted on the wall, and skimmed the names until one popped out at him. "Quarter to Three? How can that be anything but perfect?" And it wasn't that far, a couple of hallways over.

---

Venue selected, there was no backing out of it: he and I were going to have that talk. A tendril of dread wormed through my gut but I nodded, saying, "Sounds good. Lead the way?"

---

Joshua wasn't quite sure how they pulled it off, but the tea house somehow managed to be quaint in the steel hallways of Pericles Station. When they got there, he instantly picked out from among the rest of the stores in the open square area. The window front was broken out into rows of squares filled with different types of teas on display. In front of the entrance to the store was a faux stone floor creating the illusion of cobblestone upon which the owner had set up 4 small white tables with yellow edged umbrellas. Two of the tables were filled with people drinking out of what looked to be real china cups.

When he saw it, he stopped short in amazement. "Holy crap." He turned to Rina, his eyes wide. "Ready for some tea?"

---

I took in the incongruous set-up dubiously, wanting something more substantial at my back when I bared myself, but seeing the expression on Joshua's face made me loath to spoil the moment for him.

"Sure."

---

Joshua walked up to the tables. Were they just supposed to sit down? He didn't see a waitress or waiter, so he wandered inside. The back wall of the ship was a huge set of wooden shelves filled with tea. Looking at it, he expected the person behind the counter to be a grandma, but instead it was a fairly pretty middle aged Chinese woman. As he stared at all of the choices, she said to him in a British accent, "What can I help you with, guv'nur?"

He turned to Rina with a confused face. "Besides the fact that I think my brain is unable to process all this, I also need a tea recommendation. What are you having?"

---

The shop was narrow, with barely room between shelves and counter for two people to walk abreast, and covered in tea and its accoutrements. They rigorously matched the woman's accent--tried and true British tea, from leaves to pots to cozies. I ran my eye over the selection, thinking back to the blend my father preferred. There was no replicating it. He mixed it himself from several varieties we kept on hand. Still, the main ingredient was fairly common and I spotted it after a minute.

"I'll take the Assam, thanks." I spied the menu under glass at the counter and added, "Scones for two, with jam and clotted cream, please."

Done with the ordering, I looked around for a place to sit.

---

"Let's go outside." Joshua was taken by the tables, perhaps admittedly too much so. But still, he wanted to sit at a table. So he grabbed Rina by the hand and dragged her to one of the little white tables. As he sat down in one of the chairs, he could almost imagine himself at a real countryside tea. If it wasn't for the steel walls and the scraggly shiphand wandering past on their way somewhere else, that is.

---

I put my back to the storefront and sat down. With the bags stowed at my feet and Joshua at my side, I watched the passersby as I gathered my thoughts, wondering if that deck crewman or that admin assistant ever had to wrestle with the problem I faced. All around me hummed the station, a towering edifice of a ship bustling with thousands of souls going about their daily lives, their daily concerns, obvious to unsure frightened me. No one on the concourse gave me or Joshua a glance, no indication we existed.

Why should they? They've got their own lives to take care of. So do you. Get on with it.

The tea arrived on a tray with cups for two. Cream, sugar, and fresh lemon sliced paper thin came with, as well as a plate with a pair of fat scones dotted with currants. But the deal breaker was also present: a glass fingerbowl piled high with jam sat next to the scones. A smaller dish with fluffy clotted cream sat next to it.

I thanked the Chinese woman and got a bob of a curtsy in return. When she withdrew I poured us both a cup and dropped a hefty dollop of jam into mine. The tea grew silky as I stirred the concentrated sweet into it and the malty aroma of the Assam took on a fruity cast. The first sip took me home, lingering over the dinner dishes with my family as we laughed, argued and talked through the events of the day. I leaned back with my cup and closed my eyes and said softly, "You have this capacity to live life with so much joy, Joshua, that you amaze me. Because that capacity is something I lost a long time ago."

I opened my eyes and said, "But sometimes when I'm with you, it hits me and I'm happy, and when it does, it's ... it's a bit overwhelming. I'm sorry if I upset you."

---

"Not upset, really," he said, taking a careful bite of one of the scones. Delicious, almost melting in his mouth, they just made him all the more excited to get some flour before they went back to the Gift. That way, he could make his own.

He looked over at her across the table. "Concerned, of course. I have this habit of making you cry, it seems."

---

"It's not your fault, Joshua. It's mine." I shook my head, knowing I'd botched it. I tried again. "I'm out of practice with letting things go, with letting things be. Letting joy in. Being with you, I'm learning to do that again. Please, don't apologize."

I sat forward and put my hand on his. "Being with you... loving you, it's ... God, this is hard."

---

All sorts of lewd comments popped into Joshua's head and he pushed them back into the peanut gallery of his brain. Now is not the time, fellas.

"Take your time," he encouraged. "No pressure from me." Joshua wanted to say a lot of different things, about how he loved her no matter what or how much he liked seeing her happy. Instead he sat quietly under a white umbrella with a yellow edge and let whatever she needed to say come out in its own fashion without his interference.

---

Words and thoughts crowded to the surface, all clamoring to go first. I kept my mouth shut and tried to sift through the chaos, looking for just the right thing to say. The perfect response eluded me, as I knew it would. I would have to stumble through this the best I could.

Start small. Keep it simple. One word at a time.

"You're good for me, Joshua. Being with you has made me better. Loving you makes me want to be better. Normal. Whole. It's ... It's hard to explain, but being happy is part of that. And you make me so happy," I added softly.

I released his hand, needing to say the rest without the crutch of touching him.

"It's been a long time since I've felt this good, this ... free ... of all the internal shit that I carry around inside me. That crap is still there. I can still feel it, but it's getting lighter. And until it's gone I'm going to distrust happy. I'm going to dread losing it, of having it all come down, of getting hammered again. Before I’d just dig my trenches and hunker down and keep my guard up. I can't do that anymore." I looked Joshua square in the eye. "I'm not that woman anymore. I don't know what I am, but I'm not her. I can't be. Too much has changed."

---

"Be whatever you need to be - I'll be there for you in any form." He paused, scratching his forehead in thought. "But I think you deserve to be happy. I like seeing you happy. I don't get to see it often enough." But asking her for more than what she had given already felt greedy. He already felt as lucky as they come. Expecting or wanting more? That was just pushing it.

---

"What do you want from me?" I asked him softly. "And please don't give me the be-all-you-can-be speech, Joshua. What do you want from me?"

Joshua had been singularly supportive through the emotional ups and downs of the past year and any tidy-minded male would have given up long ago. Variety is the spice of life and mystery has its allure, but I wasn't stupid. My kind of variety and mystery would try the patience of a saint as I tried to find my way through the uncharted territory I was in. As I tried, in short, to rebuild myself from the ground up. There had to be another reason to stay at my side when everyone else would have pulled stakes and moved on. What was it?

"Seriously. What do you want? What do you see in me worth wanting?"

---

Her tone sounded like someone who expected the dream bubble to pop at any minute, dropping her back into harsh reality. It wasn't enough to love her - it had to be explainable, justifiable love. If it couldn't be grounded in reality, then how was he any better than a dream on the edge of fading? Given that, he might as well just lay it out for her flat.

"What do I want?" He looked at her seriously. "I want to marry you one day. And when I do, I want a partner, someone who will help me up when I fall, someone who will let me carry them when they can't walk. I want someone I can predict and someone that can surprise me. I want to stay at home with you and I want to go to the ends of the Verse with you. I want a lover and I want a friend. Someone to dance with, to talk with, to laugh with, to cry with. Someone who complements me in all the places I'm lacking who lets me be all the things that they're lacking. The last puzzle piece in the jigsaw puzzle. I want you, Rina. All your strengths, all your flaws. And I want you to be happy when it happens and to understand that you deserve it as much as anyone in the 'Verse."

The words had just come pouring out of him in a continuous stream not from his brain, but from his heart...from his soul - that seat of human emotion he once thought he had lacked. When he finished, he took a huge breath, feeling a little empty like he had nothing left inside, had given everything to the woman that he loved on the other side of the table. He hadn't realized all that had been in there waiting to come out. But he wouldn't take it back even if he could. He had sworn to himself he would always give her the truth.

I just hope it doesn't scare you away.

---

At the word marry, I froze. My vision narrowed to a spot on the tabletop and failed to register what it saw. Pericles Station had ceased to exist. Nothing remained but his voice as he told me exactly what he wanted from me. In the space of half a minute, I had my answer. As was typical with Joshua, he put everything he had in it, nothing held back. There was no guile, no hidden agenda, no need to second-guess. It was a declaration of faith, a promise, and a challenge. He had given me his heart, bared his soul, and refused to count the cost. How could I do any less?

I sat and breathed and waited for my inner demons to tear into me with self doubt and loathing and as on Muir, they fell away and in that silence, I knew what I had to do. The world came back and I could move again.

“I want that too, but I have to get there my way, on my own terms.” I said and looked at him. “Will you wait for me?”

---

"I did say one day, not right here and now." Although if she wanted here and now, he'd certainly not object. "I'll wait. You know where I live in the meantime."

Joshua picked up a scone, ripped it into two, and offered her a half. "Scone?" And he gave her an impish grin.

---

"Sure," I said, then added, "I love you, you know."

---

"You're just saying that because you want the other half of the scone." he joked. Then he reached over and put the other half in front of her. "I love you too."

---

“Maybe, but I think I can share,” I said and pushed the plate to a spot between us. “It’s time I did.”



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