Unauthorized Broadcast

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(Given as part of a pirate broadcast following the Band of Steel's first successful mission.)


This is Doctor Steel, speaking on behalf of myself and my stalwart companions, the BAND OF STEEL! I am pleased to report that our most recent mission was an unqualified success, and that we have stuck yet another blow against the hated aliens! We now have in our possession information that will greatly aid us in our fight. With the new science data that we recently captured, I believe it will be possible for us to create a PARADIGMATIC SHIFTATRON! This amazing device will allow us, at a fundamental level, to alter the very laws of reality! Past, present, future, all will come under control. At best this may mean that we shall be able to alter the laws of the universe such that the V'Sori never arrive on our fair planet. Even if this is no longer possible, I am confident that we can modify our current situation such that the BAND OF STEEL will be able to continue the fight, offering you better, faster, more user friendly liberation services 24/7!

And now, a special word to the children. Doctor Steel hears what is in your hearts — he knows your concern. He understands. Have no fear children, for Doctor Steel would NEVER, EVER modify the fundamental laws of time and space in such a way that it might cause your favorite stuffed toy to disappear from the timestream. Your beloved pets are also safe — I swear to you that I shall plan my calculations ever so carefully, so that they move through the conversion process as painlessly and changelessly as possible. The most that might happen will be a minor rearrangement of the broadcast schedule of your afternoon cartoons. Doctor Steel is truly sorry for this, but asks that you remember that your sacrifice is for the good of earth!

And now, for more personal news of the BAND OF STEEL. I am pleased to report that Carnivore has finally finished his correspondance coursees and has submitted his doctoral dissertation for review. On behalf of the Band of Steel we wish him all the best of luck, and warn his dissertation committee — "Recent Paleantological Insights into Elizabethan Era Poetry" is a WORTHY WORK, and the Band of Steel will brook no delay in the approval of his doctorate! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

Madame Shade reports that Joe is recovering nicely, and should be able to shamble on his own within a few days.

Noise, in anticipation of our coming inevitable victory over the aliens has already set his sight on a new and worthy foe — the REPUBLICAN NATIONAL CONVENTION, scheduled for Seattle in 2007 assuming that earth has been liberated from the Coalition of the Scaly by then.

Warcry has been practicing in our lair's shooting range, and the effects of her improved energy blasts are impressive! They are sure to strike fear into the hearts of our foes! I was hoping to show footage, but Boneyard also decided to practice his "throw heavy objects" abilities, and we have subsequently had to shut down that wing of the lair for reconstruction.

As for myself, I continue to toil for the benefit of my teammates and companions. Rest assured that soon there will be new devices to confound the aliens, new toys to bring about their destruction in an ingenious and highly marketable manner! The Band of Steel shall soon meet again, and you shall hear of our further exploits!

The Collected Speeches[edit]