Editing Forgotten Freedom:1 1001

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1. Do not attempt to rub Nair over the shifter first mate while she is asleep.

2. Do not taunt Cardinal Krozen about his inability to capture/kill the Crew. It's not bad, just tacky.

3. Do not taunt The Lords of Dust about their inability to capture the Crew. It really should be bad, but it's not. Still tacky.

4. Do not taunt Queen Aurala about her inability to capture the Crew. Otherwise she'll stamp her foot and pout.

5. Do not shoot the villain while he's monologuing, no matter how long he takes.

6. There will be NO referring to King Kaius as Mein Fuhrer or goosestepping to his orders.

7. Even if he speaks in a thick German accent.

8. Even if the secret service wears jackboots.

9. Even if they're seeking the Ark.

10. ALRIGHT, THEY'RE NAZIS... SWEET TIRA MIRRON.

11. The Captain forbids the Elf from referring to Tira Mirron as a "Great Lay", "The Feisty Wench", and "The Naughty Girl who liked to lick".

12. The crew will not attempt to make the Paladin break his vows.

13. The crew will not point out the Paladin has already done so by being on a Pirate ship.

14. The crew will not use the Forgotten Freedom to buzz dinosaurs.

15. No matter how cool they look when they scamper.

16. ESPECIALLY NOT during halfling festival days.

17. The Lord of Blades does not need to see the Wizard for a heart.

18. He does not need oiling when it rains, nor is this an effective battle strategy against him.

19. Nor does he need a diploma, medal, or any combination of these things.

20. The Lord of Blades is not to be referred to as "Skippy".

21. Nor is Pontiff Jaela.

22. Even if she skips a lot.

23. Queen Aurala is not the Wicked Witch of the West.

24. Even if she is a witch and lives in the West and is of dubious morality.

25. Throwing water on her is not a means of "Undoing her wickedness".

26. Pontiff Jaela is not to be referred to as "Lolita".

27. Nor will she be referred to as "Major Hot Babe when she grows up".

28. ...even if she will be.

29. Errandis D'Vol cannot be stopped by dropping a house on her.

30. Nor can Queen Aurala.

31. King Boranal will not be invited to Frat Keggers or Orgies with Changeling Girls.

32. Even if he's game.

33. King Kaius is not the last boss in the Castlevania series.

34. Nor is his mortal enemy Simon Belmont.

35. It is wrong to cast magic mouth spells to play "The Phantom of the Opera" when he enters the room.

36. Or eat garlic pizza before talking to him.

37. Or hold up mirrors behind him while mouthing the word "Vampire".

38. Queen Aurala is not to be referred to as Glinda.

39. You cannot summon a Rajah by saying 'Hastur' three times.

40. Or a Daelkyr by saying "Candyman" into a mirror.

41. Dolgrims do not have one head that always lies and one that always tells the truth.

42. The Aereneal elves will not be referred to as "The creepy Goth elves".

43. Nor are the Deathless described as "Undead who all dress like they're in a 70's glam rock band".

44. We will not rob the Lightning Rail wearing scarves on our faces.

45. If we do, we won't claim to be trying to conduct a Time Travel experiment.

46. Even if we are.

47. Valenar Elves are not to be called "Romulans".

48. You will not compare a Valenar Elf's performance to Legolas.

49. Even if Legolas could do it much better.

50. I am the reincarnation of King Jarlot, none of you are.

51. I will not attempt to restart the Great War for "kicks".

52. Dwarves will not be referred to as "The Swiss".

53. Even if they have fine chocolate and good cheeses.

54. No, it is a rumor you can conquer Aundair by simply walking into it.

55. It is wrong to use Ventriloquism to predict the end of the world in a cathedral in Thrane.

56. The Quori are not to be referred to as "The Q" or are their activities from "The Q Continuum".

57. The changeling is forbidden from deliberately appearing as Earth celebrities she has no idea exist.

58. Darguun are not to be called "Klingons".

59. Even if they have swords suspiciously similar to them.

60. Riedra is not Japan or China or any other Oriental culture, so I cannot go there to spot me some Asian chicks.

61. The Monk will also not use the word "WO PAW!" after every strike.

62. Shifters cannot be Catgirls.

63. Or Foxgirls.

64. OR BUNNY GIRLS.

65. Even if they were, I could not make a mansion of them and sell their pictorials.

66. When conducting robberies, I will not give wedgies to Dragonshard house nobles because they 'richly deserve it'.

67. Merrix d'Cannith is not to be referred to as "Lex Luthor, greatest criminal mastermind inventor of the 11th century!"

68. Even if he's bald, an inventor, and a supervillain.

69. Q'barra is not the home of voodoo, plantations, or good Cajun cooking.

70. Kobolds are not to be called "Spot", "Fido", or "Rover".

71. Nor will you attempt to teach them 'tricks'.

72. Kobolds do not speak in an accent similar to Ren, nor do they say things like "It is not I who am crazy, it is I who am MAD!"

73. There will be no characters accepted who are Lysander Bugbear pilots named Baloo.

74. Nor will lovable kid sidekicks named Cloudkicker with Tenser Floating Disks.

75. You will not refer to a wand of fireballs as your "Boomstick".

76. The Mockery is not your Copilot.

77. Nor the Traveller.

78. Queen Aurala is not to be referred to as the "Virgin Queen" in a derogatory manner.

79. Any rumors that such a name is inappropriate because of me is to be squashed.

80. Halflings of Clan Boramar are not to speak like they're Italian or in the Godfather.

81. Nor is Joe Peschi a Halfling.

82. Even if he claims so.

83. You cannot play four Turtle Ninja Shifters.

84. It is wrong to refer to King Boranal's daughter as a fine piece of ***.

85. Even if she is.

86. I will not attempt to turn the Forgotten Freedom into a Pimpmobile.

87. The Gods of Eberron do not fail to appear on the earthly plane because I am "THAT" badass...

88. Kalashtar are not to be referred to as the Tok’Ra.

89. Nor the Quori as Goa'uld.

90. We are not the Crew of Firefly.

91. Nor Blake's 7.

92. Even if an Alliance is chasing us.

93. I am to be referred to as Captain Jarlot not "Jack Sparrow" or "Keith Richards".

94. Even if there's a frightening resemblance sometimes.

95. Xen'drick is not to be referred to as "The land of stereotyped minorities brought to light by the glories of colonialism".

96. Pontiff Jaela is not to be referred to as "Ruri" or "Rei Ayanami".

97. No, you cannot wear the pope hat.

98. Even if she lets you.

99. It is wrong to attempt to make the Lord of Blades sing "Daisy".

100. He is not to be referred to as R.O.B.B.I.E or any other Warforged.

101. No, I cannot stencil in a Dragonmark for powers. 

102. Especially not the Dragonmark of Death.

103 has been lost to the sands of time.

104. Repeat after me, I did not cause the Day of Mourning.

105. I am not Batman.

106. The Demon Wastes will not be referred to as "Athas".

107. A Mel Gibson lookalike is not driving around The Mournland in a V8.

108. What most Mourners do not need is "A good slap".

109. "Seig Heil" is not the correct manner of greeting King Kaius.

110. Being a pirate does not make me the ultimate enemy of Ninjas.

111. Being a pirate does not make Boo Radley our King or the Mockingbird something we must figure out how to kill.

112. The proper response to a defeated foe offering surrender is not:

"ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US!"

113. Or:

"YOU ARE ON YOUR WAY TO DESTRUCTION!"

"HAHAHAHAHA."

114. Even if I laugh like hell.

115. There is not a secret plot to combine Dark Sun and the Council of Wyrms and the Flanaes into one setting on Eberron to save money.

116. Even if they did it with Forgotten Realms.

117. You shall not argue the merits of the attractive paladin turning tricks "for the good of the party".

118. Bards are not to be shot on sight for being worthless.

119. Nor shall Gnomes.

120. The Gnomes of Zilargo are not the cast from Cruel Intentions and every soap opera in history.

121. People from the Eldeen Reaches do not have Plaid outfits and talk like Hillbillies.

122. I will not make "You might be from the Eldeen Reaches" lists.

123. Making only the Orcs like this is not a substitute.

124. The Aurrum are not led by Blofeld.

125. Or Doctor Evil.

126. Austin Powers is not a member of the King's Citadel.

127. James Bond is.

128. I will never under ANY circumstances shout "My name is Inigo Montoya, You killed my father. Prepare to die".

129. Even if they did.

130. You will not try and hum the 2001 theme when encountering Quori monoliths.

131. Boris and Natasha do not work for Karrnath.

132. King Kaius is not to be referred to as "Fearless Leader".

133. Moose and Squirrel are not good code names for the party when doing undercover work against them.

134. The Wardens of the Forest are not to be referred to as the Harpers.

135. Nor are they led by Elminster.

136. I will not, when meeting Kalashtar, shout "Wait, I've met you before in the ancient civilization of the Giants in a previous life. Yes, ATLANTIS!"

137. Even if I did.

138. I will not attempt to rescue party members from the Realm of the Dead by saying to the Maruts: "You know a guy thirty miles away is trying to sneak away a soul. He's invisible so look really for an hour."

139. If the condition for releasing a party member is not to look back at them, do not simply stick your hands behind your head to block your vision and claim it works.

140. You are not in 8-bit, nor is "Hadoken" or "Stabbity death" an answer for anything.

141. I will not build a spelljammer to surf on the Ring of Syberys.

142. I will not use Khyber shards to summon Elvis.

143. Warforged are not to be my butlers.

144. The Chamber is not to be called "The Dragonati".

145. Rakshasas are not members of the Masons or effete British Indian Colonialists.

146. Sharn is not "New York only more flying carpets".

147. The Gatekeepers are not an anime about Communist fears of Japan.

148. The proper battle cry for a female moonspeaker is not "IN THE NAME OF THE MOON, I WILL PUNISH YOU!"

149. Even if you are a SAILOR Moonspeaker.

150. House Cannith is not ShinRa, nor is it possible to find Aeris selling flowers in Sharn.

151. Being from Karrnath is not reason enough to wear a German barmaid's outfit.

152. Especially if you are a man.

153. As a child, Queen Aurala did not have a gingerbread house that she lured you to try and eat you.

154. If she does own a magic mirror, it's not to scry the land so she can put to sleep girls who are more attractive than her or lock them in towers.

155. You will not shout "my ass" when talk of her benevolent rule is spoken.

156. The Thrane Royal Family will not be referred to as "the most useless monarchy since Britains".

157. Even if one of you happens to be a subject of the Queen of England (and Canada).

158. Merrix D'Cannith is not building a giant *fingerwag* laser on one of the moons.

159. You will not pretend to be Boranal's bastard son.

160. Even if it's 50-50 likely.

161. You will not try and use the Silver Flame to roast marshmallows.

162. Or weenies.

163. You will not ask if you can put a rotisserie over it.

164. BBQ over it does not taste better because of that 'spiritual goodness'.

165. I will not claim to have had sex with Dol Arrah.

166. Or Arawai.

167. Or the Fury.

168. Especially not at once.

167. Elves do not react to dog whistles.

168. Kobolds do.

169. Erandis D'Vol is not "Vecna's teenage Goth daughter".

170. No I cannot import kender via the Plane of Shadows to leave a mark of fear and terror across the land.

171. Five Warforged cannot join together with five magic medallions to become Voltron.

172. It is wrong to tell Warforged this.

173. The Blood of Vol did not get started by the Rocky Horror Picture Show.

174. Breland's Colossus of Freedom does not have "Give me your rich, your pretty, and your gullible" on her tablet.

175. The airship's mechanic shall not be referred to as "Cid".

176. Dragonshards will not be referred to as "Materia".

177. Or Mana.

178. You will not hum the Legend of Zelda theme while walking. 

179. It is not a compliment to toss catnip on shifters and watch them trip out.

180. Argonessan is not Australia. I don't know where you got the idea and all dragons do not suddenly talk like the Crocodile Hunter.

181. Jedi is not an acceptable prestige class because all things can be found in Eberron.

182. Nor can you refer to the bugbear as Chewie.

183. Cyre will not mutate super intelligent apes and they will eventually replace us all so we might as well blow the planet now.

184. The Emerald Claw is a frightening group of terrorists and undead worshippers; they are not to be judged by the fact their name sounds like a strip club or oriental restaurant.

185. When the Quori view my dreams, I cannot imagine them stomped on by Godzilla to kill them.

186. The Tarrasque is not Godzilla... IN ANY WORLD.

187. Bone Knights should not be challenged by saying "You get a real boner for combat, huh?"

188. The proper response for a mysterious NPC giving a mission is to not spit whiskey on them and then set them on fire.

189. Booty from treasure hunts will not be referred to as "bling bling".

190. When we see a distress signal, we do not say "F*** that! We're taking this boat to Risa."

191. It's wrong to capture Dinosaurs and try to open a park on some island near Xen'drick.

192. The proper response when meeting the son of Queen Aurala is not to say "You know your mom's a real *****, right?"

193. If Queen Aurala is ever successfully kidnapped, you will not try her for witchcraft by putting a fake nose on her and weighing her against a duck.

194. Jaela's birthday six years from now will not be a cause for celebration because she turns 'legal'.

195. You will not beat the crazzap out of Royal Eyes members on principle.

196. Or casually announce their status as spies in crowded marketplaces.

197. Putting up your cloak in broad daylight does not add +1 to your Hide/Sneak check.

198. The Day of Mourning did not result in mass mutations that created the Eberron version of the X-Men.

199. Or the Incredible Hulk.

200. You will not pistol-whip Prince Jurian.

201. Unless I order you to.

202. Queen Aurala is not even a Magic user! Why the hell do you keep making the Witch jokes!?

201. Prince Oargev's name is not a euphemism for his sexual leanings.

202. Cyre was not Naboo nor was the Day of Mourning righteous revenge for the Prequels.

203. The Daughters of Sora Kell are not a Lilith Fair band.

204. You will not ask any Rakshasa Prince to endorse frosted flakes by saying "They'reee GREAAAAAT!"

205. You may shorten my rank to Cap'n, however my surname is Jarlot, not "Crunch".

206. You may not hang five Warforged from the keel to make a Newton's cradle.

207. That right is reserved for me and me alone.

208. You will not build a stepladder into the Warforged. 

209. Or a bucket seat.

210. Or an umbrella.

211. The Warforged is not a nutcracker.

212. Nor can he light fires by snapping his fingers.

213. You will not refer to Esravash as “that old windbag”.

214. The Warforged will not be referred to as “Johnny 5”.

215. The Artificer will not be referred to as “MacGyver” unless that is his name.

216. You may not name an Artificer “MacGyver”.

217. You are not Indiana Jones, this is not the Temple of Doom.

218. Even if is looks like it.

219. You will not randomly push people off bridges in Sharn “to see if gravity still works”.

220. You are not Korben Dallas.

221. You are not named Gar ir’Baldi, and you are not the security chief of Argonth 5. 

222. ...though that’s not a bad idea for a campaign.

223. Aereneal Elves are not to be referred to as “Hot Topic Elves”.

224. You will not greet Valenar Elves by yelling “Ya Hya Chouhada!”

225. Valenar Elves do not speak with a bad Middle Eastern accent.

226. ...or “praise Allah.”

227. You may not be the gnomish bard who invented the saxophone.

228. There is no football stadium in Sharn, and Sharn’s team does not have Juggernaut linemen.

229. Your Boots of Striding and Springing do not have the “swoosh” logo on them.

230. Dragons are not Vorlons.

231. Daelkyr are not Shadows.

232. The Tarrasque will not be referred to as “Mr. T”.

233. Mr. T will not be imitated under any circumstances.

234. Nor will MC Hammer.

235. Or Michael Jackson.

236. Singing “Thriller” or “Living Dead Girl” in the company of Aereneal Elves is not acceptable.

237. The Changeling will not use the Warforged to break his fall.

238. Your Shifter was not an original cast member of “CATS”.

239. Your Bard’s name is not Idina, Maureen, Elphaba, or Aida.

240. King Boranal will not be referred to as “gramps”.

241. You will not carry a largish bath towel and a book that you claim contains all the information you need to survive out there.

242. You will not shoot down the Giant Owl and Gargoyle members of Sharn’s postal service.

243. Good Warforged are not Autobots, evil ones are not Decepticons.

244. Warforged Druids are not Maximals or Predacons, for that matter.

245. You will not, under any circumstance, use the word “kender”.

246. You are not allowed to refer to Warforged as “Cylons”.

247. You are not allowed to pick fights with the leaders of major religions.

248. You are not allowed to hit on them either.

249. ...especially if doing so would violate Thranish age of consent laws.

250. That wand is not your pimp stick, and please take off that stupid hat.

251. Referring to the shifter as "Whiskers", "Mittens", "Garfield", "Princess Frou-Frou", "Kitty", or "Fluffy" is strictly prohibited... while he is within earshot.

252. Despite the fact that House Cannith has a mostly Warforged staffed Concierge service, it is not appropriate to call all Warforged you meet after that "Concierge".

253. Despite the fact that Merrix d'Cannith wears a rainbow wig, a t-shirt that says "I <3 Warforged", and drools all over himself mumbling "Mournlands..." does not mean that you can make fun of him... while he is within earshot.

254. Under no circumstances are you to refer to King Kaius as "Lord Zedd", nor Queen Auralia as "Rita Repulsa". They are not both in cahoots to stop us from saving the world, nor are they plotting to send giant monsters into Sharn.

255. Pope Jaela is *not* River Tam, and you may not invite her to come with us on our journey.

256. Even if she wants to.

257. And even if the paladin thinks she'll be "dreamy" in a couple of years.

258. Yes, I am aware that the paladin is female; let a man have his dreams.

259. You will not refer to the captains of other ships (land or air based) as "The guy that's about to be thrown overboard".

260. Even if that is so very, very true.

261. King Borenal's mother was not, in fact, a hamster. Nor did his father smell of elderberries. Any assertions to the contrary will be met with deadly force by the Dark Lanterns.

262. Using the sky skiff to pick up chicks is strictly prohibited.

263. Unless you bring back enough for everyone.

264. After the Captain orders you to clean the boat, you will not tell him to "go wax his prow" or "get the mast out of his poop deck".

264. Though you are a shifter, you do not have the "heart of a lion, wings of a bat"; no matter how much you want them.

265. We are not changing the name of the boat to Limozeen.

266. The Eldeen Reaches are not "the best place to pitch trash over the side of the ship". Do you *not* understand the concept of Druids?

267. Wroat is not short for "Deep Wroat" despite what those Changeling "escorts" told you.

268. No, you cannot have the cleric cast Remove Disease on you now. You have to suffer for a bit. We warned you about Droaam girls, but *no*, you didn't listen.

269. Besides, he has to cast Remove Disease on me first. And I'm the Captain. So there. 

270. House Lyrandar does *not* speak Al Bhed, despite similar clothing styles and airship usage. "Ku clnaf ouincamv!" and "Ouin sudran ec y fruna!" are not a good conversation starters.

271. There is not a Black Mage Academy; and even if there was, you couldn't go study there.

272. Under no circumstances are you to sing the theme of "The Greatest American Hero" while you are riding a soarsled through Sharn.

273. Do not refer to the Warforged as "Man of Steel Man".

274. After casting Fireball at the Lord of Blades, calling him "LOBster Thermidor" is just adding insult to injury.

275. So feel free to do that any time the occasion arises.

276. The Seren barbarians do not speak with heavy Cockney accents. Calling them Guv'nah will just **** them off more.

277. King Kaius is not "a blatant rip off of that Angel character". Saying such things to his face is frowned upon, and may result in your quite timely death.

278. The Aurrum are not to be referred to as "Ferengi".

279. The ship's cabin boy is not to be referred to as "anchor".

280. Despite having been used as such on several occasions.

281. We will not pay for a Reincarnate, Resurrection, or True Resurrection after you are smote for making inappropriate advances toward Pope Jaela.

282. I don't care if she was wearing a short skirt.

283. You will not refer to the Paladin's Wand of Cure Light Wounds as "The Magic Stick".

284. It is not okay to ask her to "hit it twice" if she has already used a charge on you.

285. "Why don't you come back to my place and exorcize the demon?" is *not* anything resembling a good pick-up line, and may not be used on any cleric, paladin, or priest of any religion.

286. Especially if you're a Tiefling or Half-Fiend.

287. Especially not Jaela.

288. Paladins of the Silver Flame are not to be referred to as "Flamer Crusaders".

289. Nor may you accompany that insult with a limp-wristed wave.

290. Talenta Halflings do not like being called "Barney-riding Kender".

291. Limericks are strictly forbidden after the incident at the Cathedral of the Silver Flame. Let us never speak of it again.

292. Gorgons do not make good house pets.

293. Neither do cockatrices. I am not paying for another Stone to Flesh.

294. When the Paladin uses Turn Undead, it does not make her into a zombie. Telling the townsfolk such things is a bad practice.

295. You may not mock the Paladin if she fails a Turn Undead attempt by asking her if she was "Turning Japanese" by mistake.

296. Going fishing for dinosaurs while hovering over the Talenta Plains is *not* a good idea.

297. If you catch a rider along with the dinosaur, calling it a "two-fer" in their presence may make someone upset.

298. Not me, though, because that's hilarious.

299. The Captain is not to be referred to as "Cap'n Mehoff".

300. There are not 15 houses. House Atreides, House Harkonnen, and House Corrino are *not* real. You just got really drunk.

301. Don't tell that to Baron Harkonnen, though, he gets really sensitive about those kinds of things.

302. The Valenar are not Fremen, they will not teach you how to ride sandworms. Stop asking them.

251. When a Gatekeeper druid tells you his faction, the appropriate response is never "I am the Keymaster!"

252. When sneaking through the Keeper's lair, it's not a good idea to point at one of the Shards and say "Hey, is that Elvis?"

253. Stop asking every changeling you meet whether you can join the Dominion.

254. The state of accelerated action and awareness created by Time Stop is not to be referred to as "bullet time" or "entering the Matrix".

255. When your elemental galleon comes in to dock, with a wharf ahead and to its right, it is not appropriate to exclaim "There's Klingons on the starboard bow!"

257. It's wrong to try and make Warforged obey the Three Laws of Robotics.

258. The return of the Dhakaani Empire will not be like the South Rising Again.

259. The Dawning of the Next Age of the Kalashtar will not be when the Moon is in the Second house and Jupiter aligns with Mars...

260. Shadowrun is not the official future for Eberron.

261. Harry Potter does not attend Hogwarts in Aundair.

262. Despite what the rules say, tossing a bag of rats over someone while you have great cleave doesn't allow you to hit them a dozen times in a single turn.

263. Lhazaar is not pronounced "Laz-E-Boy".

264. It is wrong to tell Warforged that the proper greeting for a stranger from a culture he hasn't visited is to punch him in the face.

265. The solution to every problem is not "Blow them all to Hell with fireballs and let god sort them out."

266. Thaliost isn't to be referred to as Belfast.

267. It is wrong to linger in King Kaius's undead harem.

268. Even if I do.

269. The Crusade against werecreatures was not motivated by furry porn and it's wrong to spread this.

270. Money acquired from corpses, treasure chests, robbed victims, and the like will be stored in banks and not buried on unfamiliar islands or placed in other dungeons with monsters hired from Droaam to guard them.

271. We will not try and open this as an alternative to Mror Hold banking.

272. It's wrong to tell Warforged that the Treaty of Thronehold was fake and they're their secret contact to give them orders to rise up and slaughter all the humans the day after you leave.

273. The words "RAMMING SPEED" will be ordered by the Captain and the Captain alone on this vessel.

274. It is not permissible for the wizards onboard to 'Aurala Slap' a sorcerer with his spellbook.

275. Even if the Sorcerer laughs about them having to use books.

276. I will not psych up Warforged before battle by saying "You do not know pain, you do not know fear, you will taste Man-flesh!" 

277. Even if they are really curious about what Man-flesh tastes like.

278. It's wrong to point out that Cardinal Kronzen looks exactly like Tim Curry.

279. And that he looks like Monty Burns when he taps his fingers together and says "Excellllllent."

280. And that he usually reveals his plans by just turning to the side and muttering things like "Do they suspect I intend to have the King killed?"

281. I will not refer to the Queen's champion in Thrane as D'Artangne.

282. We will not give the money we steal from the rich to the poor.

283. Even if we told the Paladin this.

284. And we operate from an Eldeen Reaches forest...

285. Called Sherwood...

286. And we're all very Merry.

287. It is wrong to tell the Warforged that "You can kiss my robot ass" is a socially acceptable response to all questions.

288. Cloud Strife and Squall Lionheart are not recruitable to our cause, nor will we use our money to open up mercenary academies called Gardens.

289. It is wrong to liberally quote Braveheart to incite Rebellion in Northern Breland.

290. Not only is it very wrong to offer Pontiff Jaela candy to get in a coach with you... this Pirate ship in no way condones what you're thinking.

291. Clicking your heels is not a way to greet Kaius's daughter.

292. Or to take you back to Kansas.

299. Our next target is not the Ruby encrusted slippers of Aurala's sister so we can go back there.

300. The Trust are not Gnome Ninjas.

301. We will not buy a submarine to hunt warships of the Brelish crown.

302. Nor can you refer to me as Nemo.

303. Even if the Island I own is mysterious.

304. This ship is not a Democracy and you cannot vote me off as leader.

305. Or my island.

306. Dungeons and Dragons the movie is not set in Aundair. Even we recognize Aundair has more value than that.

307. It is wrong to attempt to rig the Race of Winds in Sharn...

308. So the Tortoise wins.

309. Selina Kyle is not a Shifter Rogue.

310. Clayface is not a Fat Changeling.

311. I repeat, I am not Batman.

312. You will never ask the Cult of the Dragon Below worshipping the Dark Six to allow you to choose the form in which the Traveller shall come.

313. Even if the marshmallows will make us a bundle.

314. I do not know Kung Fu.

315. Only the monk does.

316. The Monk does not know drunken boxing however...

317. The monk cannot refer to junior crew as "grasshopper".

318. Jaela cannot defeat evil by getting a team of young girl priestesses together who wear short skirts... it's wrong to tell her there's a sacred reason for it.

319. She does not have a Silver Millennium Crystal.

320. It is wrong to tell her "COSMIC FLAME POWER" is an appropriate statement for the use of high-level attack spells.

321. The Knights of Thrane are not the Flaming Knights...

(special thanks above)

322. Shouting Attacks before I do them is just dumb.

323. I will not breed Aberrations using spells to make them cute in the hope of creating Pokemon.

324 ...or Chocobos.

325. The Lord of Blades does not have a wacky sidekick plotting against him called Starscream.

326. Jaela being the Chosen is meant that she will be their spiritual leader and guide. It does not mean that she will get a highly educated Brelish demonologist to follow her while she hunts demons.

327. King Boranal is not Sean Connery, I don't know why the crew keeps using Sean Connery's accent to imitate him.

328. You are not allowed to use a Warforged's severed head with a light spell as an impromptu everbright lantern.

329. Even if it's dark in the sewers of Sharn and you forgot to bring yours.

330. No, the Warforged fighter cannot hurl the shifter barbarian at his enemies.

331. Even with an action point.

332. *sigh* Okay, roll your Strength check.

333. The changeling cannot absorb the Talenta barbarian into herself and gain extra HP nor can she gain one use of the Rage ability.

334. The martial artists at the embassy ball are members of the Royal Eyes of Aundair, not members of the "Crazy 88".

335. The one on the left is not Gordon Liu.

336. Even if he's bald and has a mask.

337. When an agent of the Lord of Blades is defeated you shall not yell: "The Snitch! Fetch me my broom of flying, quick!" upon the appearance of a final messenger.

338. Warforged are intelligent and articulate. They do not go around saying "WARFORGED!" all the time.

339. When discovering dangerous eldritch machines in secret House Cannith research facilities, it is in bad form to yell: "We found the weapons of mass destruction!"

340. There is no such thing as a Dragonmark of Caring nor does my Bear Shifter have it on his tummy.

341. The party mage must refrain from telling the guards "These aren’t the Warforged you’re looking for."

342. The bard must be immediately slain upon uttering the words "Anyone want to hear some Depeche Mode?"

343. Even if someone does.

344. The Warforged must be discouraged from yelling "EXTERMINATE, EXTERMINATE!!" at random.

345. The Silver Flame is not lit by propane.

346. Nor is it the Olympic flame.

347. Nor is it a trash incinerator.

348. We do not 'Dump our garbage before going to lightspeed'.

349. Warforged are not Omnimechs.

350. They aren’t protomechs, either. So stop cutting them open to 'make sure the pilot is dead'.

351. We don't do orbital bombardment.

352. Air strikes are still okay.

353. Our job is not "To kill our enemies, to see them driven before us, and to hear the lamentations of their women". That’s what we do on our days off.

354. Mustn’t use the fire elemental powering the airship to light cigars.

355. Elves don’t call people "Mr. Anderson".

356. The Warforged isn’t named Bender.

357. He doesn’t run on alcohol, either.

358. Don’t hum the 'Lumberjack' song around someone from the Eldeen Reaches.

359. Unless you really want to.

360. Yes, everyone DOES expect the 'Thrannish Inquisition'! They've already done it twice. Stop saying otherwise.

361. Any Warforged uttering the phase, "I'll be back," will under no circumstances be allowed to reboard the ship.

362. Darkvision is not 'Infravision'. You cannot hide yourself from it by setting your surroundings on fire.

363. If you are a Valenar Elf traveling with 12 demon waste barbarians, you may not refer to yourself as Ahmad Ibn Fadlan or "the thirteenth warrior."

364. Even if you are.

365. Kalashtar, or Psions in general, named Akira or Tetsuo will be immediately pitched overboard (regardless of altitude).

366. Repeat after me: "The Mournland is not the world's greatest open-air dungeon."

367. Even though it is.

368. The Lord of Blades does not have any difficulty whistling "Pop goes the weasel".

369. Nor does he get his abilities from the Autobot Matrix.

370. Shouting "Victory is mine!" is a sure way to have it wrested from you at the most inopportune moment.

371. The name of this airship is the Forgotten Freedom, not the 'Millennium Falcon', the 'Bebop', or the 'Titanic.'

372. Those are traveling papers, not a "multi-pass." Stop referring to them as such.

373. Any spellcaster whose somatic component for web is to fold his ring and middle finger back onto his palm while flexing his hand down at the wrist is simply begging to be stabbed in his sleep.

374. You cannot polymorph your crewmates into uninjured versions of themselves simply because no one bothered to play a cleric.

375. Whoever sold you that information regarding the location of a dragon orb ripped you off.

376. And no, it isn't worth investigating "just in case".

377. Halflings and gnomes in Eberron are not to be played simply for comic relief.

378. Otter shifters named "Mudge" will be feathered with arrows on sight, just on general principle.

379. As will "Jon-Tom", his human bard companion.

380. And any oracle pigs brought on board will be butchered for bacon & ham.

381. Referring to Cyrans as having "Gulf War Syndrome" is very uncouth, and will not be tolerated.

382. Even if you and I WERE both there.

383. You will not attempt, under any circumstances, to pay a hoard of homeless bums a few cp each to follow you around and 'overbear' any opponents you yourself cannot defeat.

384. Even though that is really funny.

385. Nor will you refer to me as "B.A." simply because I will not allow you to do any of the 384 things that come before this rule.

386. If we successfully steal a submarine, we will not paint it yellow.

387. Dreamlily is not known as pot in other worlds.

388. We are already the most wanted group in all of Eberron. Do not attempt to place bets on who can get their bounties up higher.

389. You will not humiliate guardsmen...

390. Unless they really have it coming.

391. Wayne Brady does not have to choke a ho.

392. Nor do you.

393. It is inappropriate to ho out the Catgi... er, shifter.

394. If you do, then do not put her in a diamond-studded collar.

395. Even if she really likes it.

396. ESPECIALLY do not attach a leash to it.

397. Aundair is the nation of Magicians, Artists, and Intrigue, not the land of "Frog's legs eating surrender monkeys".

398. Morgraive University is not to be referred to as "Miskatonic University".

399. Even if it has a copy of the Necronomicron in its library and an abnormally high rate of doomed expeditions into the unnamable reaches.

400. I will not feed Warforged screws, nuts, and bolts at dinnertime.

401. The Warforged is not to refer to me or any other human as "meatbags".

402. Dragons will never be referred to as "Puff".

403. Nor will you offer them maidens as a sacrifice.

404. Especially not female crewmembers who won't put out.

405. I will not attempt to graft Warforged parts onto my body and ask to use the Rules of Shadowrun for this.

406. I will not pretend Mage the Ascension rules is optional for D&D.

407. Or Exalted.

408. I am not Captain Harlock nor am I the Rubber Band character from One Piece.

409. Any attempt to test this will result in walking the plank.

410. Which is not a metaphor for homosexuality.

411. The Plank is not a diving board.

412. Nor can you have the shifter girl use a lifeboat to turn tricks...

413. Or call it "Inara's shuttle".

414. The ship's library is not to be emptied and replaced with nothing but porn and Ann Rand.

415. Even if that would change nothing.

416. When fighting the Lord of Blades you will NOT sing "You've got the Touch". 

417. "Dare to be Stupid" is appropriate.

418. As pirate, we find 'Talk Like A Pirate Day' to be unnecessary.

419. Especially just to make conversations incomprehensible.

420. Marish the Shifter Girl is to be reminded her race is terrifying and feral, not cute and fuzzy.

420. Despite its bad attitude, the druid's Awakened Horrid Rat is NOT named Foamy.

421. If a skiff crashes in a city, we aren’t going after it. This ain’t "Air Ship Down".

422. Thou shalt NOT repel boarders with Alchemist's Fire.

423. We don’t make bombing runs with "Bigby's Crushing Tactical Nuke".

424. Unless we have a pool going as to who can get the closest to the target.

425. A Karnnathi Skeleton or Zombie is not a Deadite.

426. You are not allowed to send Arawai a Mother's Day card, signed "The Fury".

427. The proper way to repair a Warforged does not involve an Erector set.

428. The Warforged is not on this ship to sell drinks.

429. We don’t know the way to San Jose.

430. Don’t call the shifter to a meal by shouting "HERE KITTY, KITTY, KITTY."

431. Even if he asks you to.

432. Don’t use Alter Self to get at King Kaius's harem.

433. Ever.

434. Using Prestidigitation to paint someone hot pink while they sleep is tacky.

435. Funny, but tacky.

436. The Deck of Many things isn’t to be used for a game of poker.

437. Or blackjack.

438. Or Baccarat.

439. Or Old Maid.

440. When given an order by the captain, the correct response is 'Yes, sir.' Not 'Sez you.'

441. We don’t deliver pizza in 30 minutes or less.

442. In Eberron, killing them because they are goblins is not encouraged...

443. Even if the vast majority of them are still evil.

444. Flumphs do not attach themselves to people's faces and lay their eggs until they burst out of a person's chest...

445. Even if that would make them a much better creature.

446. Singing I like Darguunese to the tune of "I like Chinese" will not win you friends.

447. No you CANNOT out-drink the dwarf...

448. Do not refer to Boranal as Azoun, Arthur, or Aragorn.

449. No, Errandis D'Vol is not Fistdantilius's daughter or Skeletor's sister or the girl from the Corpse Bride.

450. Stop spreading rumors that Merrix D'Cannith runs a chocolate factory with a Xen'drick orange gnome race and that you can get in by finding golden tickets hidden worldwide.

451. Marish the shifter girl cat is not McDonald's, no matter how many she's served.

452. Do not refer to Henchmen crew as "Red Shirts".

453. Do not play Taps when we're exiting the ship with the Henchmen crew just recruited.

454. We have a high enough fatality rate as it is, do not PK because you're having a really bad day at work and we've got a cleric with raise dead finally.

455. Alf is not our god, nor is Long John Silver's our Temple. I don't even want to know how you came up with that link. 

456. On a related note, Optimus Prime is not the Warforged god and it is wrong to tell them so.

457. I am not the Dread Pirate Roberts, though I may kill you today.

458 through 460. NO you cannot invent Gunpowder!

461. Singing "The Bare Necessities" is not a good way to endear yourself to a subsistence-living Bugbear tribe.

462. Crew members Raistlin Majere, Drizzt Do'Urden, Kenshin Himora, and any variations on these above will be forced to fight to the death in a battle royal.

463. And the winner's killed.

464. You are not allowed to use a halfling to go 'Dino fishing'.

465. You are not allowed to use a Fireball to go Dino giggin'.

466. The party cleric is not "Dr. Feelgood".

467. You are not allowed to ho out the shifter girl for 5 sp per trick.

467. It's 10 gp per trick.

468. You are not dating the Daughters of Sora Kell.

469. Erandis d'Vol is not to be referred to as "Lichie Lich".

470. Or "That dried-up old Lich".

471. You are not allowed to train an army of kobolds and name them "Tucker's Kobolds".

471. Even if your name IS Tucker.

472. The Warforged juggernaut is NOT the ship's anchor.

473. Nor is he the airship's 'emergency brake'.

474. Fnord does not exist.

465. Getting the bard to play the Star Wars theme and begging the cleric to tell you to "use the Force" while you magic missile the portholes of enemy ships is expressly forbidden. 

466. Suggesting to the captain that he acquire a regiment of Karnnathi dead for use as marines and rechristen the "Forgotten Freedom" the "Black Pearl" merits being marooned with a hand crossbow and one bolt on the Ring of Syberys.

467. Bards inclined to perform Wagner's "the Ride of the Valkyries" during strafing runs will be sent below decks forthwith.

468. Questioning Khalashtar crew members as to how "Harvey" is doing, whether or not they had a "prodigal roommate" in college, or making any references to the possibility of their entire race being a bunch of paranoid schizophrenics is frowned upon... even though it's so true.

469. Use of divinations to see what Pontiff Jaela is going to look like when she hits puberty is forbidden unless the rest of the crew is invited to see a well.

470. "Cause we're pirates!" is not an excuse for any action I choose to do.

471. I do not fear a crocodile that took my hand.

472. The first mate is not to be referred to as Smee.

472. My mortal enemy is not Peter Pan.

473. We will not ask the artificer to build a laser sword with guns on it that shoots other swords.

474. If we did, I would own it.

475. Shooting a man in the face because he asked for my identification is not an acceptable response...

476. Especially when we paid for fake IDs.

477. Queen Aurala is not the villainess in the movie "Willow".

478. No referring to the Engine Room chief as "Scotty".

479. Even if he is from the part of Breland they wear kilts in.

480. Pirates cannot survive falls of a million feet because we're Pirates and thus awesome.

481. It is wrong to test this on others.

482, It is wrong to put on a hockey mask and take a machete to chase co-eds around Lakes or Universities.

483. I don't care if you were really drunk when you did it.

484. Being a shapechanged druid does not give you permission to hump people's legs.

485. Or any other part of their body.

486. There are no crocodiles in the sewers of Sharn.

487. It is wrong to add them.

488. We do not have phasers or photon torpedoes.

489. Prince Jurian will not be "hoisted on his own petard" whenever we find him.

490. The proper response for disobedience from the shifter is bread and water at meal times, not spanking.

491. Illithids do not worship "Great Cthulhu".

492. When attacking a Riedran Stronghold guarded by Beholders, Elementalists, and Martial Artists... we do not do our best to act out Big Trouble From Little China.

493. There is not only one true God whose name is Keith Baker.

494. It is wrong to tell Worshippers of the Silver Flame that they worship a bunch of dead feathered snakes.

495. Rakshasas are not to be referred to as "Tony".

496. Vengeance from the Boramar clan does not take the form of a fish being delivered into the coat of an enemy.

497. You are not going to convince the head of the Boramar clan that he needs you as a psychiatrist.

498. It is wrong to use suggestion to convince Prince Oargev he's gay.

499. Umbragen will not be referred to as "the shrill-voiced drow wannabes".

500. The Keep on the Borderlands is not Little nor is it inhabited by a bunch of wholesome homesteaders.

501. There’s no such thing as Gnome Gninjas.

502. Even if there were, the extra silent "G" doesn't make them any more deadly.

503. We will not christen our next airship any of the following:
The Hindenberg
The Titanic
Fireball XL5
Prometheus
Daedelus
Definitely not Icarus
Any numeral preceeded by any variation on the word 'Thunderbird'
Laputa
Cloudbase
Aundair Force One

505. The Kalashtar Soulknife is not a Jedi.

506. You will not use Unseen Servant in that manner. I don't care if it feels nice.

507. Kalashtar do not have a little angel and/or a little devil on their shoulder.

508. The Burning Ring is not your personal sandbox.

509. No, you cannot call LoB "Ah-nold, the Govenator". It would inflate his ego.

510. You shall not call Clevis the Kalashtar Soulknife "Cleavage".

511. Even if I made it up.

512. Prince Oargev is not Aragorn.

513. The Skyway is not Laputa.

514. The Warforged is forbidden to complain that because he can't get drunk, high, or laid, he has nothing to do at night.

515. The Warforged is not just a garbage can with sparks coming out of it.

516. And the sparks do not keep him warm.

517. The handshake will not be replaced by the "skullpunch" no matter how much you want it to be.

518. The changeling is forbidden to be alone with a full length mirror.

519. Not all bridges of Sharn cast Featherfall, and leaping over the sides of each is not a good method to determine which do.

520. Wrapping an unconscious hostage in a cloak will do little to dissuade suspicion when you march through Morgraive with him over your shoulder.

504. I will not comment on the Captain's inability to count.

66291. I will not alter the numbers when the Captain is not looking.

556. THE CORRECT NUMBER TOTAL HERE will not be altered.

557. Guybrush Threepwood is not the man I took this ship from.

558. I did not win it in a Poker Game.

559. I will not use the pyromancer's wands to perform a drum solo.

560. I will evenly divvy up the loot from the bad guys. Unless someone is bigger/has a bigger weapon than me.

561. Then he gets everything.

562. The Warforged was not built by 'Cyberdyne'.

563. I will not drag race the airship.

564. Especially if I’m drunk.

565. I will not outfit the airship with nitrous.

566. Or 'spinners'.

567. The airship will not time warp at 88 miles per hour, and I should not try to make it do so.

560. If the Captain should say "Make It So" or "Engage" before heading out, or if he should stand up and tug his shirt down with both hands, he shall be punished by being hoist on his own Picard.

569. Davy Jones's Locker is not the closet of a member of the Monkees.

570. Nor is that Davy Jones a pirate.

571. Keith Baker is not a character in Eberron nor would he be a huge sexual dynamo old man wizard.

572. Half-Elves are not to be referred to as the Diet Rum of Elfdom.

573. Nor are they to be called Tanis.

574. Eberron does not have gatling guns, pistols, machine guns, cannons, artillery, or nukes.

575. If it did have Nukes, we would probably go for a much more small-scale weapon in our weapon's runs.

576. Droaam is not a Dungeon.

577. We do not go to Droaam to 'Level Up'.

578. The best response for Droaam is not "Hack n' Slash all night long".

579. We do not start conversations with NPCs with the words "How much EXP are you worth?"

580. Mordain Fleshweaver is not to be asked if he can give you a tattoo.

581. Or give you bigger boobs or other extremities.

582. We'll drop the "official list" at 1001 and keep adding on for fun... again if no one else wants to take it over (I can't update again because I'm webpage illiterate).

583. He cannot make you look like an anime character.

584. You do not look like an anime character already.

585. Mordain Fleshweaver is not to be treated like a plastic surgeon at all.

586. Nor are Daelkyr.

587. Time Machines cannot be built in Eberron.

588. If they could be, they would not be used to go into the future to get energy weapons.

589. Or to go hang out with robots.

590. Or to play Shadowrun.

591. The Shadow Marches are not Mordor.

592. Nor does the Shadow live there next to a volcano you can defeat him by throwing his ring into it.

593. Do not refer to Half-Orcs as Uruk-Hai.

594. Do not refer to Half-Orcs as "It's a damn pity that someone crazzapped on your face... oh, that is your face?"

595. House Cannith will not be referred to as Enron.

596. House Deneith will not be referred to as Rent-a-Cop.

597. House Lyrandar will not be referred to as Delta.

598. House Jorasco will not be referred to as Saint Elsewhere.

599. House Phiarlan and House Thuranni will not be referred to as Dark and Darkerer.

600. House Vol was not the Addam's Family.

602. The Age of Worms will not be a time of great food poisoning.

603. The Ebon Triad is not a black rock band.

604. All Aurala needs is not "a little loving" to decide to give peace a chance.

605. We will NOT refer to the city of Thronehold as "A wretched hive of scum and villainy".

606. Or Sharn.

607. The Prime Minister of Breland will not be referred to as "Senator Palpatine".

608. Or Supreme Chancellor Palpatine.

609. We will not expect him to dissolve the council permanently when Boranal dies.

610. Even if the Rebellion continues to gain support in the Senate.

611. That is not why Merrix is building a laser on the moon... or, as he calls it... his "Death Star".

612. This is not Star Wars and the Lord of Blades is not your character's rebuilt father.

613. Nor will the Lord of Blades become the Prime Minister's chief enforcer after he declares himself Emperor.

614. You cannot blow up the Moon of Eberron by firing a fireball into its thermal exhaust port, right above the main port.

615. You cannot build an airskiff that resembles an X-Wing.

616. Jaela will not be pronounced Jaina nor does she have a brother named Jacen.

617. We will not refer to the ship as an abattoir.

618. No matter how many crew have died.

619. Argonessan is not an Epic Level Dungeon.

620. Or an Epic Level Campaign setting.

621. Delayed-blast Fireball will not be referred to as the Dragonslave.

622. Your flaming sword is not the Sword of Light.

623. You are not the Slayers or the redheaded small-busted female magic user Lina Inverse.

624. No matter how many people you kill.

625. You will not steal Pontiff Jaela's carriage.

626. Nor is it to be referred to as her Popemobile.

627. Pontiff Jaela will not bring about a Cataclysm by challenging the gods, you're just using that as a justification to kidnap her.

628. We do not "parlay" with prisoners.

629. ...especially not for sexual favors.

630. Even if they are hot.

631. There is no such thing as a Pirate's Code.

632. Nor should there be.

633. Even if they are more guidelines.

634. Valenar is not currently being menaced by Ganondorf Dragmire.

635. Nor do they have a Triforce we should assemble.

636. And their Princess is not named Zelda.

637. Xen'drick is an island of mystery and wonders, it is not a place that is the dumping ground for everything that doesn't fit in the rest of the setting.

638. Queen Aurala is not Kate Blanchett.

639. Even if that would make you like her more.

640. The Drow Trilogy of Modules cannot be played by simply substituting Queen Aurala as the secret goddess of the Umbragen.

641. 'Into the Barrier Peaks' will never be played ANYWHERE in Eberron.

642. The module Castle Ravenloft is not how King Kaius became a vampire nor is he after a girl named Tatyana.

643. Just because they are in the Constellations exist does not mean that the Dragon Triad is the same as the gods of Dragonlance or even the Forgotten Realms.

644. The Esoteric Order of Aurreon is not to be referred to as "The Poor Man's Order of High Sorcery."

645. They are not the Masons either.

646. Riedra is not the 'most boringest' place on Eberron.

647. Nor does Walt Disney rule it.

648. The secret ingredient to making Warforged is not PEOPLE.

649. It is wrong to tell Warforged this.

650. The Aristocrats is not an example of Aereneal Humor.

651. It is wrong to tell Warforged this.

652. Valenar Warhorses are not fed people either as the secret to producing them.

653. It is wrong to tell Karrnathians this.

654. Dragon's blood is not to be slipped into King Boranal's drink during a state dinner.

655. If the female captive refuses to dine with the Captain, she will not dine with the crew naked.

656. No matter how the crew wants it.

657. If the Forgotten Freedom crashes on an island, we will not have Kate from Lost with us and wacky adventures as we explore the island. We will just most likely starve and/or escape.

658. Merrix D'Cannith doesn't have a brother named Doctor Moreau who works with Broken Ones.

659. Khyber is not an Epic Level Dungeon.

670. Nor can we make huge amounts of EXP by just collapsing the rocks on it.

671. Lizardmen are not Voodoo-worshipping Creole.

672. A human sacrifice is not the proper way to appease Kol Korran.

673. Dol Dorn is not "like Dol Arrah" except badass and honorless and a guy.

674. The King's Citadel does not have a secret enemy in SD-6 that is helped against by half-elf Sydney Bristow.

675. Nor can I play this character.

676. It is wrong to tell Warforged that he was built by a Doctor Light and he can gain the abilities of Warforged he kills that were constructed by Doctor Wily.

677. Prince Adal is not a transvestite and we will not return him to Queen Aurala in a dress... in public.

678. I/we/you will not use the "213 Things That Skippy Is Not Allowed To Do" as a guideline for annoying others.

679. Exceptions will be made on a case-by-case basis when I will personally find it to be funny.

680. For the last time, NONE of us are Batman.

681. I have not yet decided if it is wrong to tell Warforged this.

682: (See # 503) Nor will we use it to run an express delivery service for a senile researcher in Sharn.

683: The ancient orcish shaman who tells you to leave those ruins alone is not doing that because "he's got something totally sweet stashed in there". 

684. You don't get to rough him up, kill him, or otherwise incapacitate him and go look...

684 (a). ...unless and until I see some manner of documented proof of your ability to perform exorcisms and/or banishments. The real kind. No more waving your arms and shouting "ooga booga."

685. Just because the cleric heals you doesn’t mean he likes you.

687. All Warforged repair kits lack Duct Tape, and are therefore worthless.

688. "I wish [the captain, the first officer, the bad guy, the DM] would shut up" is a waste of a Wish spell, and will get you keel-hauled.

689. Halflings are not all named Gollum.

690. Short shifters are not Ewoks.

691. Tall shifters are not Wookiees.

692. Wizards and sorcerers will not cast Polymorph spells with the words "Form of..." or "Shape of..."

693. Sharn is not an airship obstacle course.

694. The Awakened oak tree, Oalian, is not to be referred to as 'Woody'.

695. You are not authorized to sell logging permits for the Eldeen Reaches.

696. Whether Warforged have souls is irrelevant, stop trying to sell them one.

697. You do not kick ass for the Lord. No, not even the paladin.

698. A Tarrasque on the loose cannot be solved by "Summoning Mothra".

699. Stop handing out religious tracts with explosive runes inside.

700. You sell them; material components don't grow on trees.

703. "Bluevine" is a wine, not a curse.

704. Waking the captain by sloshing water in his face and yelling "We're going down, save yourself!" is not funny.

705. Unless he runs onto deck wearing only his boots and his Wally Warforged pajamas. Then it’s hilarious.

706. Warforged do not have ignition keys.

707. An air elemental powered airship is not a 'hybrid'.

708. Don't whiz on lightning coach conductor stones.

709. Don't swap a House Sivis sending stone for an ordinary rock.

710. Krakens don’t make good calamari.

711. Rigging the privy lid with a Fire Trap is just wrong.

712. Funny, but wrong.

713. The Sphere of Annihilation is not to be used to play dodgeball.

714. Don’t use beads of force to play marbles, either.

715. Mustn’t use the airship to write 'SURRENDER DOROTHY' over Sharn.

716. Flamekeep is still fair game, though.

717. Mustn’t reply to the bad guy's tirade with, "Oh, I’m sorry, I wasn’t paying attention."

718. And don’t ask "Do you want fries with that?" either.

719. The bard is to refrain from singing songs by Celine d'Ion at all times.

720. We mean it.

721. There is no Sarah Connor, so I mustn’t send the Warforged out to find her.

722. The airship is named Forgotten Freedom, not the Satellite of Love.

723. The Lord of Blades does not drink Mad Dog WD-40.

724. Blood-drinking, evil, undead, soul-stealing horrors are VAMPIRES, not lawyers.

725. 'I'll hit the brakes and he'll fly right by' never works in airship-to-airship combat, so I should not try it.

726. The captain must not start each trip by shouting "NEXT STOP, XORIAT".

727. The beatings will continue until morale improves.

723. Whoever put the "We brake for no one!" bumper sticker on the back of the ship must step forward.

724. It is wrong to post bounties on law enforcement officials pursuing us.

725. Spreading tales of the "Head of Vecna" to kill competing but stupid adventurers is not a good way to clear the gene pool of deadwood.

726. Law enforcement personnel shall not be referred to as Inspector Zenigata.

727. The first mate is not a title for my concubine.

728. Neither is second mate.

729. Queen Aurala does not own a flying broom.

730. Throneport is not made of emeralds, so stop telling the Warforged that it is.

731. Inspector Gadget is not a Reforged with countless attachments.

732. It is wrong to try the "Would you believe" joke from Get Smart on villains.

733. It is wrong to spread rumors of Queen Aurala's demise.

734. Then introduce the "Ding Dong" song to the locals to sing.

734. No it is not conceivably possible to make Queen Aurala hate us more.

735. Or King Kaius.

736. Boranal is still smarting over the duck incident.

737. Poor innocent Jaela has no idea...

738. It is wrong to polymorph dragons into bunnies that keep their hit dice and attack bonuses.

739. Even if you hire a wizard named Tim to warn people off.

740. Do not use Ghosts to age Jaela.

741. It is wrong to break the Manifest Zone with Sharn and the Plane of Air to kill everyone.

742. Especially for the EXP.

743. Oalian does not talk extremely slow, nor does he have any draughts that will make you taller.

744. Half-Orcs do not have larger genitalia and it is wrong to tell girls this.

745. Black Mages were not persecuted for centuries because of the color of their magic.

746. It is wrong to try and base a Drow on Malcolm X.

747. Even if he's from Xen'drick.

748. Do not point to the Seven Sisters as an example of how Aurala should behave. 

749. Especially if you end the sentence... Slutty and Immoral.

750. The artificer does not have a Quori named Six in his head... or if he does, we're a little surprised she's so attractive.

751. When I said "Queen Aurala does not own a flying broom" that was not implying we should have sent her one. Now whoever did it step forward.

759. I will not write Limericks about the Queen to make amends with her.

760. Especially not on the side of her castle.

761. I will not ask King Kaius to shout out "Vae Victus(sp)" just for kicks.

762. I will not ponder out loud the similarities between him and some noble who was corrupted with vampirism by choice, used, and wanted revenge.

763. I will never, ever, ever again call King Kaius Batman. Especially not in his presence, and especially not while he is in bat form.

764. I will not sell tourists exclusive bridge building rights between the upper towers and Skyway.

765. Unless the Captain gets at least a 50% share of all proceeds.

766. I will not do a barrel roll.

767. I will not do a barrel roll.

768. I will not do a barrel roll.

769. I will not perform an aerial water drop to put out the temple of the Silver Flame.

770. The Glowing Chasm is not the latest manifestation of the Silver Flame.

771. It is wrong to tell Paladins this.

772. ...but if you can convince a few Cardinals, nobody we know will miss them.

773. There are no tribes of clawfoot-riding Halflings who wear beards, dark goggles and black leather jackets with studs on the back spelling out 'Khyber's Couatls'.

774. The Demon Wastes are not the Ashlands, nor does a Rakshasa Rajah named Dagoth Ur live in the volcano north of Ashtakala.

775. And even if he does, you are not the true Nerevarine.

776. At the lightning rail station, you are not allowed to respond to the House Orien guards with: "Traveling papers? We don't need no stinking traveling papers!"

777. Kundarak Bank is not Gringots.

778. Even if goblins are sometimes employed there.

779. And there is no Diagon Alley in Sharn.

780. When surrounded by Xen'drick drow after stealing their ancient idol, speaking Jovitos will not save your party.

781. Nor can you command said drow to attack your rivals through hissing and sign language.

782. The following character concept is prohibited: A dwarf artificer who became an adventurer after discovering a Myconid Kingdom in Khyber by traveling through the sewer pipes of Sharn.

783. No character can cast fireball after eating a flower, regardless of concept.

784. You cannot stump Merrix d'Cannith by asking him: "What is the riddle of steel?"

785. Telling a Warforged the answer to said riddle may cost you your life.

786. You shall not paint Riedran monoliths in bright colors.

787. Even if it is in accordance with your druidic holiday.

789. A Warforged repair kit does not contain a hydrospanner.

790. The Mror Monument in the Ironroot Mountains is not the secret base of a worldwide police organization.

791. Psion shapers, when they conjure up an astral construct, DO NOT yell out "Astralmon, I choose you!" nor "I play Astral Warrior in attack mode!"

792. We will not name the secret 'companionship club' we run out of the Silver Flame monastery "Flurry of Blows".

793. When in a bar, yelling "Kill the halflings" will not cause the Orcs to go into a frenzy. Causing a huge bar brawl.

794. It is unwise to try such things when your Paladin speaks Orc.

793. When a Cyran refugee laments the loss of their homeland, I will not slap them and say "The boat sank, get over it." 

794. "Mordenkainen's Magnificent Duct Tape of Warforged Repair" does not exist, and I should not sell any more rolls of Duct Tape this way.

795. There is no way a Warforged's rear will light up like a lightning bug if they just 'flex the right muscle', and I should stop telling them this.

796. The poop deck IS a deck, but it is used for something else.

797. No, you can't invent Phoenix air-to-air missiles.

798. I will not paint the elf black while they sleep.

799. Aereneal elves worship 'deathless' elves, not a 'bunch of old farts'.

800. A Warforged's nose will not get longer if they lie, and I should stop telling this to the Warforged.

801. There is no artificer named Geppetto that will make any Warforged into a 'real boy'. I should stop telling this to the Warforged, as well.

802. The Shifter is not named Scooby Doo.

803. Thou shalt not infer that King Kaius was turned into a vampire by a sentient runeblade Vol sent him as a birthday gift. 

804. Therefore, you may not refer to him as "Arthas", nor hint that Vol is simply a gender-confused Lich king.

805. By the same logic, there is no army of undead preparing to cleanse Khorvaire of the living races in preparation for a demonic invasion... and Karnnath wouldn't have anything to do with it if there was.

806. Under no circumstances are you to free Rajahs if they promise to say "tremble mortals, and despair, Doom has come to this world!" when they get out.

807. Refrain from calling that tribe of Orc barbarians in the Demon Wastes who serve the Rajahs the "Blackrock Clan", "Warsong Clan", or demanding to speak with Grom Hellscream upon capture by said orcs.

808. Thou shalt not join Pontiff Jaela's personal guard in order to get close enough to cast "heightened extended charm person" on her outside of Flamekeep, where her Will save isn't epic.

809. For the last time, you do NOT need a codpiece of holding. 

810. The artificer would not build you one, regardless.

811. You shall not retort the villain’s bravado by yelling "How appropriate. You fight like a cow!"

812. Insults need not rhyme when you're an airship pirate.

813. While wit is useful for picking up chicks, skill with a sword is much more useful in a battlefield situation. Knowing the proper response to every insult your opponent makes will not help you win.

814. Nobody falls for "Look! A three-headed monkey!"

815. Under no circumstances will we be looking for the fabled treasure of Big Whoope.

816. Stop asking. I'm serious.

817. There is no Evil Monkey hiding in my footlocker.

818. My name is not Neo.

819. Using a Silence spell on the bad guy during his tirade, while appreciated, is bad form.

820. Robbing the rich and feeding the poor wont get me a 'freebie' from the hot paladin chick.

821. Lighting the campfire with alchemist's fire and a bottle of hooch is a bad idea.

822. Must refrain from using Ray of Frost on the paladin chick's breastplate just before she takes it off.

823. Unless I have been double-dog dared to do so.

824. Nobody wants to hear my impression of Tira Mirron.

825. Flapping your arms doesn’t give you the ability to fly. And I must stop telling the gnomes, halflings, and Warforged so.

826. Must not refer to the halfling barbarian as runt, squirt, shorty, or mini-me.

827. Jamming a quill in the Warforged's ear and twisting his nose will not sharpen the quill. I must stop telling the wizards this.

828. Must not encourage the group to enter combat from the airship via HALO drop.

829. Gnomes don’t bounce.

830. Feline shifters are neither cute nor fuzzy.

831. ...okay, they are. But don't call attention to it.

832. The Warforged is not named "HAL".

833. If he is, he does not have a master named "Dave".

834. If he does, and Dave asks him to do something, he can do it perfectly well, thank you very much.

835. No members of the Llesh Haruuc's court "have the power".

836. Especially not the power of voodoo.

837. And they definitely don't "remind him of the babe".

838. Aundair does not defend its fortresses through the use of scathing taunts and flung farm animals.

839. No, you may not play a kender.

840. Or a gully dwarf.

841. Or ever say or do anything that has anything to do with Dragonlance. EVER.

842. I must not fill the wizard's inkwell with vanishing ink.

843. There is no fourteenth Dragonmark, and I am not its only scion.

844. Warforged do not run on D-cell batteries.

845. King Kaius is not to be referred to as 'that pervy bastard'.

846. Unless he’s out of earshot.

847. I do not have the power to call an Inquisition against the Silver Flame.

848. I will not attack the darkness with Magic Missiles.

849. My compass does not point to the Isla de Muerta.

850. I will not paint copper pieces gold and sell them as 'Pre-Galifar coins'.

851. Except to Morgraive University.

852. I will not use the airship to make beer runs.

853. Pizza runs are still okay.

854. But I wanted a BUD LIGHT!

855. I am not to stop on island LV-426 to check out a distress call.

856. I am not to tease the shifter with an inflatable sheep.

857. Unless the shifter is really drunk.

858. The Fury is not 'just a misunderstood person who's really nice and fuzzy once you get to know her'.

859. I am not to Scry the women’s shower.

860. Unless I have the captain's approval.

861. And charge the crew 1 gp per head to watch.

862. I will not refer to the blue haired shifter with longstride as "Sonic".

863. Even if that's his name.

864. Nor when he shifts will he be said to be going "Super Sonic".

865. Merrix d'Cannith is not Dr. Robotnik in disguise.

866. Kaius is not Meier Link in disguise.

867. Nor is he "D".

868. Vol is not Carmella.

869. There is no such position in the Church of Silver Flame as Pontifical Bikini Inspector.

870. Nor shall you apply to said position.

871. Nor shall you get Jaela to wear said bikini whether or not you claim to be the inspector.

872. No crew members are to get within 30 feet of Jaela. Not even the females. Or the Warforged. But if you are dead and need a raise, then it's okay.

873. Kobolds are not dogs.

874. No you can't have one.

875. Do not attempt to burn Aurala at the stake.

876. It is wrong to attempt to reconcile with Queen Aurala by polymorphing into her deceased love of her life.

877. And only telling her you're not him the morning after.

878. Even if I did it.

879. Now that we've killed all the crew obsessed with the Pontiff, we're making a fresh new start.

880. There will be no stalking Pontiff Jaela's near-identical eighteen-year-old paladin sister.

881. I don't care if she's hot as hell....

882. Why not? Because I've got these two pistols and what the captain says, goes!

883. I am not the father of Prince Jurian. Nor should I tell him that I am.

884. The Kalashatyr follow the path of light. Mine does not follow a variant called "The Path of Blow S*** up".

885. There will be no clones made of Jaela's near-identical older sister in their adolescence.

886. That's it, you're all food for the sharks.

887. Apparent apologies, the Paladin has explained the Silver Flame glow makes Jaela a target for reverence and love that is entirely nonsexual.

888. Recanting apologies as soon as a crew member referred to her sitting in laps as the closest thing to a lap dance you'll get...

889. There will be no fan art of Queen Aurala as a Sailor Scout.

890. Or a Porn Ear Elf.

891. You cannot "log out" of Eberron when I'm boring you with my rules.

892. Our secret base is not Blood Gulch outpost.

893. We do not have a tank named Sheila.

894. Or a Warforged named Lopez.

895. Our enemies are not the Covenant...

896. Or the Red team.

897. No internet fanshows for any of you.

898. Or anime.

899. Or video games.

900. Or RPGs... wait... never mind that last one.

901. Karrnath does not have a shortage of holy water.

902. Nor should you try to end such a shortage by dumping holy water over the side of your airship onto the royal palace.

903. Repeat after me, "There are other solutions besides fireballs."

904. Do not refer to Orcs, goblins, etc. as happy meals for adventurers.

905. Scrying on the changing rooms of the Five Nations' royal families is a bad idea. Selling copies of what you saw on a street corner is a suicidal idea.

906. I do not care if they have been raised/resurrected/reincarnated. We do not call the Warforged Simmons 2.0.

907. First person to call me Sarge gets keelhauled.

908. No, we will not rechristen this ship "Foe Hammer", "Pillar of Autumn" or any other such nonsense.

909. New standing order. The artificer is not allowed anywhere near the Warforged while those designs for a KOS-MOS retrofit still exist.

910. No, you may not paint the Forgotten Freedom black with red flames on it. 

911. Not even if painting flames on it really does make it go faster.

912. Repeat after me. "I will not try to uproot First Tower with the Forgotten Freedom, some chain, and a rope ever again."

913. Even if it is an eyesore.

914. KP does not mean kitten patrol.

915. It is wrong to tell Warforged this.

916. Repeat after me, "I will not taunt airborne dragons."

917. Even if you think you can take them.

918. No, the prophecy does not, in fact, reveal the Colonel's secret recipe.

919. I will not point out discrepancies between what we have been told, and at what age females are typically wed in a quasi-medieval society.

920. If I ever hear the words "Pants", "Bet" and "Jaela" in the same sentence again, I will hand you over to the Church of the Silver Flame myself, bound and gagged, with a note pinned to your shirt proclaiming you a heretic.

921. The airship shall be under no circumstances renamed the "Highwind", nor the "Ragnorok", nor the "Hilde Garde I, II, or III", nor the "Invincible", nor the "Celsius".

922. Nor shall any of the pilots or artificers be named Cid.

923. After we slay whatever it is we are fighting, we shall not have the bard play a lively and triumphant tune while we strike victory poses.

924. Unless I say so.

925. The bound fire elemental is not named "Bomb".

926. His name is Earl.

921. I cannot make a god call to Keith Baker.

922. Especially by calling his house late at night.

923. Even if I'm a girl.

924. The Knights of the Dinner Table are not examples of good roleplaying.

925. Nor are we the crew from Nodwick.

926. No, we cannot invite Boranal to join the crew.

927. I cannot make a god call to Keith Baker.

928. Especially by calling his house late at night.

929. Even if I'm a girl.

930. The Knights of the Dinner Table are not examples of good roleplaying.

931. Nor we are the crew from Nodwick.

932. No, we cannot invite Boranal to join the crew.

933. Even if he really wants to join.

934. It is wrong to loudly proclaim over megaphones during state Dinner that the Inspired ambassador is a possessing demon.

935. It is also not "a neat trick" to have the Exorcist of the Silver Flame wave his hand over the Inspired and shoot out their soul.

936. The new male sharpclaw shifter cannot have adamantium bonded to his skeleton.

937. He is not allowed to smoke cigars.

938. To say Bub.

939. To start with an implanted ring of regeneration and amnesia...

940. You cannot play Wolverine!

941. It is wrong to use my name and likeness on a label for spiced rum.

942. It is wrong to brew this brand on board the ship.

943. Especially during work hours.

944. The Dragon Prophecy's Ultimate Purpose is not to find the Secret of Life, the Universe, and Everything.

945. Nor is the answer 42.

946. Buildings in Eberron do not miss the number 13 because everything else seems to lack it.

947. It is wrong to hide gelatinous cubes in the john.

948. It is also wrong to have it automatically flush over Fairhaven.

949. Do not serve Longstride Shifters roast rabbit.

950. Do not refer to as the Demon Wastes as "The Rakshasas' Litterbox."

951. Queen Aurala's brother is not the Wizard of Oz.

952. The Twelve are not a Band.

953. It is wrong to say that they are less exclusive than the Circle of Eight.

954. If we find a phone booth that time-travels... in this unlikely event.

955. We will not kidnap celebrities of the past for a book report.

956. Or refer to any of us as "The Doctor".

957. Even the Doctor.

958. King Kaius does not run a series of vampire nightclubs.

959. King Kaius' first vampire creation is not named Nicholas Knight.

960. Or Darla.

961. The ship's adventures are not "Just like the adventures of Jerry Seinfield only they involve piracy".

962. These rules are not optional.

963. They are not suggestions.

964. Destroying the List does not negate them.

965. You cannot take them to the Supreme Court.

966. Pleading insanity does not render you unable to follow them.

967. You do not have a medical condition that requires you to hug Jaela.

968. Or torment Queen Aurala.

969. Or steal from Kaius.

970. Or take insulin.

971. Er... sorry Jerry. I didn't realize you were a diabetic.

972. It is wrong to set us up the bomb.

973. The ghost of my former second in command does not haunt the ship's computer.

974. Or my tank.

975. There is no dyeing one of our crew's attire pink.

976. Even if Donut IS a little light in the loafers.

977. No, the Silver Flame did not appear to you and command that you be Jaela's Consort.

978. Nor the Sovereign Host.

979. Nor the Dark Six.

980. A silver-haired girl claiming to be your child with her from the future is not proof.

981. Especially if she resembles suspiciously a bard you were seen paying money to the night before.

982. We do need five minutes to charge our secret weapon.

983. We do not fight futilely for several minutes before our 'special attack'.

984. We do not have a Victory Theme.

985. Or a victory pose.

986. It is wrong to tell the Warforged this.

987. You may not have a "Chemo-kitty" for your familiar.

988. Even if they do need extra love.

989. You do not have superpowers stemming from your boundless rage.

990. A shovel is not an acceptable substitute for the monk's quarterstaff.

991. The next person who asks the bard to "Play some Freebird" will be answering directly to the musician’s guild.

992. See that sign on the wall? That's right. No Stairway. 

993. Dreamlily is not an acceptable substitute for any of the following: Cilantro, Oregano, Basil, Cloves, Garlic, Salt, or Pepper.

994. No, you may not form a lobbyist group for the liberation of elementals.

995. There is no cow level.

996. The helmsman's name is not Maverick.

997. Nor is it Iceman.

998. We do not "rice out" the Warforged.

999. Nor the Forgotten Freedom.

1000. When we are at speed, it is not acceptable to shout out "Vtec just kicked in yo!"

1001. Repeat after me, "We do not sell out Captain Jarlot to the authorities."


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