Editing Truth Is A Double-Edged Sword
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'''Saturday, 15 Jun 2520'''<br> | '''Saturday, 15 Jun 2520'''<br> | ||
'''Mike’s Cabin'''<br> | '''Mike’s Cabin'''<br> | ||
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'''23:30 hrs, local time'''<br><br><br> | '''23:30 hrs, local time'''<br><br><br> | ||
| − | Mike cleaned up after the others had gone for the night. He had a pump out back and while he got it filling a bucket, I found his soap and razor and watched as he put them to good use. He was leaner, honed to a sharper edge than I’d remembered seeing him and I wondered if it was from the rigors of | + | Mike cleaned up after the others had gone for the night. He had a pump out back and while he got it filling a bucket, I found his soap and razor and watched as he put them to good use. He was leaner, honed to a sharper edge than I’d remembered seeing him and I wondered if it was from the rigors of the rustic lifestyle or from his constant vigilance against assassins and the Feds. He’d picked up a new scar or two and I examined them as I waited for him to finish. They weren’t bullet or knife scars but more like injuries from carving his homestead out of the wilderness. I recalled the one-man saw I’d seen in his cabin and reckoned they were from that. Under the wheeling midnight sky, he scrubbed down head to toe and sluiced off with the bucket, and not for the first time I marveled that he could do that standing buck naked in Salisbury’s cold mountain air.<br> |
| − | He turned | + | He turned to me, shaking the water from his eyes and slicking his long hair back, and without a word I followed him inside. |
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"Go armed," he said, cradling his rifle, and rolled over to face the door.<br> | "Go armed," he said, cradling his rifle, and rolled over to face the door.<br> | ||
How many nights had he slept like that? I wondered, feeling his eyes on me as I quickly pulled on my usual suspects. Tee and vest, shoulder rig and coveralls. I checked the chamber of my pistol and my conscience stabbed over the Tokarev's loss. If Mike had noticed, he’d made no mention of it and I added it to the list of topics we needed to discuss. But first, some air. I holstered my gun and pulled open the door and stepped out into the cold summer night, the stars blazing blue-white overhead.<br> | How many nights had he slept like that? I wondered, feeling his eyes on me as I quickly pulled on my usual suspects. Tee and vest, shoulder rig and coveralls. I checked the chamber of my pistol and my conscience stabbed over the Tokarev's loss. If Mike had noticed, he’d made no mention of it and I added it to the list of topics we needed to discuss. But first, some air. I holstered my gun and pulled open the door and stepped out into the cold summer night, the stars blazing blue-white overhead.<br> | ||
| − | I closed the door and put my back to it, crossed | + | I closed the door and put my back to it, arms crossed and a foot planted on its hewn surface...and tried not to let the conflict in my head lead me astray. Mike had issued yet another challenge and I had to answer it: Stay with the ''Gift'' and lose him, or leave the ''Gift'' and stay. I looked at the stars and recalled another night on Salisbury when I'd suffered the same choice—torn between two opposing forces--and asked: <br> |
''God, what am I going to do?'' | ''God, what am I going to do?'' | ||
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*** | *** | ||
| − | "No," I | + | "No," I breathe, recognizing Nika's tread. I looked at her, a shadow under the eaves of the porch and understood to the marrow of my bones how she'd felt saying her goodbyes to Brian on Decatur. "Not even close." |
*** | *** | ||
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"Guilt. You know me too well." I gauged the distance from the cabin and turned to parallel it. "There's that, but it's not all of it. I'm pissed off at him, too. For all I know, he'd planned to repair that ship all along, knew of it before we'd left him here, and deliberately hid it from me. Seriously, Nika. If he wanted me to say yes, all he had to do was tell me it was here. It would have been a challenge I couldn't turn my back on and he could have had me. I would have walked away with him without looking back. No questions asked."<br> | "Guilt. You know me too well." I gauged the distance from the cabin and turned to parallel it. "There's that, but it's not all of it. I'm pissed off at him, too. For all I know, he'd planned to repair that ship all along, knew of it before we'd left him here, and deliberately hid it from me. Seriously, Nika. If he wanted me to say yes, all he had to do was tell me it was here. It would have been a challenge I couldn't turn my back on and he could have had me. I would have walked away with him without looking back. No questions asked."<br> | ||
| − | I trod on a mountain pebble and | + | I trod on a mountain pebble and stopped to pick it up, threw it bitterly aside. |
"He could have raised his horses, I could have worked on the ship, we could have been together. He could have had me here the entire time, Nika. But instead he slapped me with a proposal guaranteed to make me run, despite knowing what would have made me stay, and he just....let it slide." <br> | "He could have raised his horses, I could have worked on the ship, we could have been together. He could have had me here the entire time, Nika. But instead he slapped me with a proposal guaranteed to make me run, despite knowing what would have made me stay, and he just....let it slide." <br> | ||
| − | I stopped, arms crossed | + | I stopped, arms crossed and tipped my face to the sky.<br> |
"He didn't want me," I breathed. "And now...? I don't know what he wants anymore. I don't know what ''I'' want." | "He didn't want me," I breathed. "And now...? I don't know what he wants anymore. I don't know what ''I'' want." | ||
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When I heard that drawl I knew I was in for it, even before she'd delivered the first word of her rebuke. And there was nothing for it. She had me dead to rights.<br> | When I heard that drawl I knew I was in for it, even before she'd delivered the first word of her rebuke. And there was nothing for it. She had me dead to rights.<br> | ||
| − | Mike was the only person I'd kill for without pity or remorse...and yet I'd been just as ruthless with his heart by turning him down. There was no sugarcoating it: I'd gutstabbed him and left him when he deserved better. Much better. Even if one allowed our mutual reluctance to bare ourselves to others, and that I had mistaken the truth for subterfuge and had played along accordingly, and that he had refrained from calling me on it, nothing could excuse what I'd done.<br> | + | Mike was the only person I'd kill for without pity or remorse...and yet I'd been just as ruthless with his heart by turning him down. There was no sugarcoating it: I'd gutstabbed him and left him to his fate when he deserved better. Much better. Even if one allowed our mutual reluctance to bare ourselves to others, and that I had mistaken the truth for subterfuge and had played along accordingly, and that he had refrained from calling me on it, nothing could excuse what I'd done.<br> |
| − | | + | And against all reasonable expectations, Mike was extending me the same offer again...and knowing what I now knew, I dared not refuse it. If I spent the rest of my life making him happy I'd said yes, it would never satisfy my sense of justice for the wrong I'd dealt him. And fully aware that guilt was a poor foundation on which to build a life together, I knew I had to forgive myself as he'd apparently forgiven me ...and right now, I didn't have it in me. It was too much-too soon and my love for him wasn't enough to quell the self-recrimination that tore at me.<br> |
There was nothing I could say in my defense or in explanation that wouldn't sound self-serving and lame, so I just nodded and held my peace. | There was nothing I could say in my defense or in explanation that wouldn't sound self-serving and lame, so I just nodded and held my peace. | ||
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*** | *** | ||
| − | | + | The problem with changing for the better is that it hurts, I'd said once to Christian. You're in love with the memory of Mike, rather than the reality of him, Christian had once said to me. Both statements were true, but to what extent did they apply? As for being afraid of reality falling short of fantasy...I'd gone too long being afraid that reality would prove it was Mike's bones moldering away in that cabin than his living body, and that I would fail to measure up to his standards should I stay.<br> |
But how to say it?<br> | But how to say it?<br> | ||
| − | "Fear certainly figures into it somewhere," I temporized. "And it doesn't help that reality | + | "Fear certainly figures into it somewhere," I temporized. "And it doesn't help that reality is often too damned subjective." |
*** | *** | ||
| − | Nika laughed at that. "Yeah, no shit." She leaned her head back against the tree and listened to the night. "It tore my guts out to leave Brian on | + | Nika laughed at that. "Yeah, no shit." She leaned her head back against the tree and listened to the night. "It tore my guts out to leave Brian on Decatur instead of somewhere that I could see him more. Shyla and Harry haven't sent me any word on how he's doing. He hasn't sent any word. And I can't help but wonder if it's because he woke up and I wasn't there. If he thinks that I lied. Or abandoned him because he was hurt. Or.... who the hell knows what else." She paused, thunking the back of her head against the trunk. A faint smile creases her face. "If you have to go, Rina, you are still and always my friend. I'll kick anyone's ass who gives you shit for it." |
*** | *** | ||
| − | "I | + | "If memory serves, I called first dibs on that line," I sighed, and took up position nest to her on the tree. My fingers fiddled with the bark and I forced myself to leave it alone. "Life's a bitch, yeah, and it doesn't make it better by being stupid.”<br> |
I stared up at the branches overhead, trying to make out slivers of sky in the canopy, midnight blue against midnight green, and said softly.<br> | I stared up at the branches overhead, trying to make out slivers of sky in the canopy, midnight blue against midnight green, and said softly.<br> | ||
| − | "Why is it we can see everyone else's problems so clearly and suck at steering clear of our own? I mean, look at us. Two women with a man in their lives they can't be with...hip deep in shit...and it could have been avoided with one | + | "Why is it we can see everyone else's problems so clearly and suck at steering clear of our own? I mean, look at us. Two women with a man in their lives they can't be with...hip deep in shit...and it could have been avoided with one measley little word. ''Yes.'' One word. Just one. Why couldn't we say it? Why couldn't I?” I stopped short, hearing my tone.<br> |
| − | “ Oh, God," I groaned. "I | + | “ Oh, God," I groaned. "That was whining if I ever heard it. Just slap me now, okay, and shut me up." |
*** | *** | ||
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*** | *** | ||
| − | "I'm not laying odds on how long it remains a discussion, but it'll be a huge ''something''. And Nika?" | + | "I'm not laying odds on how long it remains a discussion, but it'll be a huge ''something''. And Nika?" Rina paused in pushing off the tree. "I meant what I said. If this hits the fan, I'm backing you all the way to Blue Sun. Just say the word. I'll be there."<br> |
| − | And I returned to the cabin before I could embarrass us further. Crossing the threshold, I found Mike | + | And I returned to the cabin before I could embarrass us further. Crossing the threshold, I found Mike still awake and holding his rifle. He lowered it when he saw it was me and I closed the door with a thump.<br> |
| − | "Took | + | "Took a while," he said, putting the rifle aside.<br> |
"Ran into Nika."<br> | "Ran into Nika."<br> | ||
| − | " | + | "Talked?" He shifted to make room for me.<br> |
| − | " | + | "Yeah." I unzipped my coveralls and shrugged out of my armor.<br> |
"About?"<br> | "About?"<br> | ||
"Stuff." <br> | "Stuff." <br> | ||
| − | The blankets were warm against my skin where he'd lain waiting and when he reached for me, I resolutely turned | + | The blankets were warm against my skin where he'd lain waiting and when he reached for me, I resolutely turned my head off and let everything go. |
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<br><br><br> | <br><br><br> | ||
| − | + | '''Go Back to ''[[Gallows]]'' ''' | '''Go to ''the next entry'' '''<br> | |
| − | + | '''Go to ''[[Peripatetica - Season One]]'''''<br> | |
| − | + | '''Go to ''[[Peripatetica - Season Two]]'''''<br> | |
| − | '''Go | + | '''Go to ''[[Miscellanea - Rina's RP entries]]'''''<br> |
| − | '''Go to ''[[Peripatetica - | ||
| − | '''Go to ''[[Rina's | ||
'''Go to''' [[Marina Kseniya Sebastien | '''Rina's Crew Page''']] <br> | '''Go to''' [[Marina Kseniya Sebastien | '''Rina's Crew Page''']] <br> | ||
'''Go to [[EPISODES]]''' or '''[[MTimeline#2511-2518|TIMELINE]]''' | '''Go to [[EPISODES]]''' or '''[[MTimeline#2511-2518|TIMELINE]]''' | ||
