Forgotten Freedom:Bard

Things the Party Bard is Forbidden from Doing

1. Lycanthropy is not an excuse to hump a woman's leg.

2. ...not that you ever needed an excuse.

3. It is wrong to infect a woman with a werecat's bite to make catgirls.

4. ...again.

5. I am not allowed to take the shifters for a walk.

6. Even if the shifter girl is used to it.

7. I am not allowed to abuse to keep the changeling girl for myself and have all the changeling males handle the other male crew's sexual needs...

8. Even if they can't tell the difference.

9. "Either your memory is faulty or the night wasn't very magical for one of us" is not a way of greeting a woman you've wronged.

10. I am not the Anti-Christ. No matter how badly I behave. Must not tell the crew I am.

11. No longer allowed to drop pants for anything other than crapping.

12. No longer allowed to drop pants. Period.

13. I am to kill the Dragon, not challenge him to a game of riddles...

14. A game of riddles does not consist of a game of Pokemon.

15. Accurate Attack (Ranged) does not make me James Bond.

16. Nor does it make me Austin Powers.

17. Neither would give me the excuse to make witty remarks as people die or go "YEAH BABY YEAH!" all the time.

18. Queen Aurala's daughters are not carrying my children.

19. At least they BETTER NOT BE.

20. It is wrong to tell the Female Necromancer that her dress code is "clothing optional".

21. It is wrong to tell the Female Druid that all rituals must be held publicly and skyclad.

22. It is wrong to participate in the "Great Rite" with the female druid and sneak away before the sacrifice.

23. The Artificer is not Q.

24. Even if he did make me a lightning cart that can shoot rockets out of the back.

25. ...and a laser watch.

26. I will not splash water on Queen Aurala in an attempt to get her to melt.

27. ...nor will I throw acid for this same purpose.

28. I will not attempt to call a sandworm in the Demon Wastes.

29. I will not shout "wyrm sign" whenever a dragon appears.

30. I will NOT attempt to ride it.

31. I am not "God Emperor" of anything and it is wrong to tell the crew this.

32. My name is not the somantic component for "Power Word Kill".

33. My name is not the somantic component for "Power Word Orgasm".

34. There is no such THING as Power Word Orgasm.

35. I cannot CREATE that spell.

36. Arawai is not my copilot.

37. Neither is the Devourer.

38. Wolverine is not a 20th level Shifter.

39. It is wrong to encourage the shifter to try to become him.

40. Even if you offer to have the artificer bind the adamantine and the ring of regeneration.

41. Chain mail Bikinis are not the female crew's uniform.

42. Haste spells do not allow me to Matrix-style dodge.

43. Bards are not the class for people who just want to ****.

44. 'I'm a lover, not a fighter' is not an excuse to stay out of melee.

45. Scry spells are not to observe the Dallas Cowgirl cheerleaders.

46. Or any other locker room of cheerleaders.

47. Charm Person and Suggestion are not dating aids.

48. Polymorph Other is not used to make dates more attractive.

49. It is wrong to 'accidentally' shoot the Paladin at every opportunity.

50. My alignment is not "Sexy Good".

51. I am not the Diet Coke of Evil.

52. Beltane is not when Tira Mirron comes back to life as a bunny shifter to pass out eggs.

53. I am not allowed to open a club for Longstrider shifters to serve gentlemen.

54. Knock Spells do not... well, they actually DO only exist to help in stealing.

55. My middle name is not Link.

56. The former Captain's name is not Ganon.

57. I have not come to to town, to save the Princess Zelda. Whom Ganon has taken away so now the children don't play but will... when Link saves the day.

58. I will not sell quartz as "Rupees".

59. A Princess is not obligated to "put out" when you save her life.

60. ...and don't ask me why you would save her then.

61. Bull's Stamina is not used for sex.

62. A Holy Avenger will not be referred to as "The Master Sword".

63. It is wrong to tell the Paladin he has to find three magic pendants first.

64. Karrnath is a vaguely Transylvania-like land. It is not Canada.

65. It is wrong to replace its flag with the maple leaf.

66. It is wrong to introduce Hockey to become the national sport.

67. It is wrong to import a large number of Aundairians whom hate it there in the middle of the country.

68. It is wrong... okay FINE, its Canada now. Are you happy?

69. You did all of this to recruit the shifter from Karrnath to be Wolverine, didn't you?

70. It is wrong to tell people that you are having sex with Spider-Man's girlfriend.

71. ...even if it's true.

72. You are not Spider-Man.

73. Even if you have Spider Climb and Web in your spell book...

74. And Jump and Lion's Strength.

75. And sell pictures of yourself in a bright costume to the Sharn Inquisitor.

76. It is wrong to tell Dwarves racial slurs.

77. ...even about elves.

78. Even if they started it.

79. Half-Elves do not get all the sexiness of elves and all the large 'good parts' of humans.

80. It is wrong to tell women this just to get them to bed you.

81. It is wrong to have a Lich kidnap Boranal's daughter just because she's named Zelda.

82. ...you slept with her anyway! She's the biggest ***** in the kingdom!

83. Smoking "smokeweed" does NOT make me see into the Astral Plane, and it is wrong to tell the crew it does.

84. There is no secret Aurrum Handshake.

85. If there was, it wouldn't be the Pimp Slap.

86. I am not a Drow.

87. It is wrong to use "Change Self" to be a Drow.

88. It is wrong to be a Drow solely to say "Oh, it's because I'm A BLACK man isn't it?"

89. You already use that for being a half-elf.

90. The Skill "Performance" does not include "Performance (sex)".

91. Nor can you max it out at every level.

92. You cannot take the Craft Skill "Craft (Ultimate Whoopass Stick)".

93. I will not rub the shifter's belly to see if her leg will twitch.

94. Valenar is not to be referred to as "Rohan".

95. Nor is Aereneal to be called Mordor.

96. I will not direct the crew to Sarlona to pick up hot Asian girls.

97. I did not learn the Jedi arts from a deformed green gnome named Yoda.

98. Nor did I learn them from Obi-Wan.

99. The Jedi Mind trick is not to be used for Sex... and I don't know where you learned that.

100. The mythical land of Amazons is not one that I'm going to visit.

101. Summon Succubus is not your favorite spell.

102. It is not polite to spay the Shifter.

103. King Kaius does not need you as his dentist.

104. It is wrong to release a giant ape to climb the highest tower in Sharn.

105. The Dragon Prophecy is not a book by RA Salvatore.

106. Change Self to Orlando Bloom is not permitted.

107. I am not Will Turner's younger, hipper, cooler twin brother.

108. Just because I resemble Leogolas doesn't mean I get to do the arrow tricks from Lord of the Rings.

109. Dwarf Tossing is not the national sport of Mror Holds.

110. Or Valenar.

111. The Talenta Planes did not used to be a theme park before they started tampering with the laws of God.

112. It is wrong to get Talenta Planes halflings to go "YABBA DABBA DOO!"

113. Fred Flintstone is NOT a Talenta Planes halfling.

114. Gnomes are not to be referred to as "like Dwarves except they suck."

115. I am forbidden from wearing T-shirts that say "Elminster could kick this setting's ass by himself".

116. Or "Mordenkaine".

117. Or "Strahd".

118. The Lady of Pain is permissable.

119. I do not have the Crotch of Vecna attached to me.

120. Besides, would you really WANT it?

121. Nor do I have the WANG of Vecna.

122. My wang is not +5.

123. Nor does it have the power of Striking.

124. Or Dancing.

125. My wang is not magical.

126. It is wrong to tell the crew that it is.

127. You as a bard are forbidden from using "influence reactions" to get women.

128. You cannot reply "WHAT GOOD IS IT THEN!?"

129. Bard is not Celtic for Ninja.

130. I do not have Ninja powers.

131. Lisa is in a committed and monogamous relationship, it is wrong to place bets on when she'll end up drunk in bed with Michael.

132. Especially since it gives Michael hope.

133. It is wrong to use Ventriloquism to pretend to be Kanatash's demonic masters.

134. ...ESPECIALLY if you use it to make him do ridiculous things.

135. I am not Exalted, it is wrong to tell people that I am.

136. Vow of Poverty does not make exception for "booty" in various exceptions of the word.

137. I am not a Cleric of BlowShavitup.

138. I am not allowed to proclaim myself a deity.

139. If I did, I couldn't grant spells.

140. The Rod of Seven Parts does not have my wang as part of it.

141. Fireball is not a response to tax collectors.

142. A Helm of Opposite Alignment should not be kept to shove on good people that annoy you so that you can kill them without guilt.

143. In a duel of swords or pistols, you do not get to answer "I'll take the pistols. You take the swords."

144. I do not have the Prestige class of "World's Greatest Lover".

145. Rubbing the Shifter against the floor is not a material component for Shocking Grasp.

146. The fact I'm not your real Uncle doesn't permit you to date Jaela.

147. Even if she is legal now.

148. Cannons are not party favors.

149. "I'm going to smoke me some b****" is not a proper response to any question about your profession.

150. Being a member of the King's Citadel doesn't allow me to ask women to lower their tops for inspection.

151. YOU'RE NOT A MEMBER OF THE KING'S CITADEL!

152. It is wrong to insert a philater of love into Michael's drink so he's open to the possibilities of Doog.

153. Stop asking Andrea about sex magic!

154. Terra is not interested in telling you about Druidic Fertility rights.

155. ...it's for your own safety. Obey 154.

156. I do not possess "crossbow time".

157. A black coat, shades, and black pants are not the standard D&D fighter wear.

158. It is wrong to sing "Kung Fu Fighting" whenever Bruce Ki enters the room.

159. Payday is never listed as "Tomorrow" as an excuse for the day never to arrive.

160. Elves are not to be described as "oversexed vegetarian *ussies".

161. Even if it's true.

162. You do not have the right to declare the first mate's quarters the place for your harem.

163. You do not have "nos prima nocte" with female crew.

164. The guillotine is not the preferred punishment for disobedience.

165. It is wrong to hire a changeling dominator for administering the lash.

166. The Aurrum are not led by Sebastian Shaw and Emma Frost.

167. The Forgotten Freedom's crew are not the X-Men.

168. The Changeling girl is not to be referred to as Mystique.

169. Stupid is not Magneto.

170. Even if you Magnetize him.

171. "I was drunk" is not an excuse for anything.

172. Ketler is not so geeky as to never be able to know what a naked girl looks like...

173. There's the internet for that.

174. It is wrong to use crew to practice your archery.

175. Even if you pretend you intend to hit the apple on their heads.

176. I am not Robin Hood.

177. He allegedly gives to the poor.

178. Yes, I don't get that either.

179. Frankly, the whole tights thing scares me too.

180. Friar Tuck is not a role model for a well managed clergyman.

181. The Silver Flame is not powered by propane.

182. It is wrong to test this.

183. Kennedy is not buried under the Silver Flame.

184. It is wrong to tell Lisa that he is.

185. It is wrong to add books to the Silver Flame canon when Jaela is not looking.

186. It is wrong to infect the crew with Lycanthropy just to make a dogsledding team.

187. Chun Li is not a crew member.

188. Even if you dress up Marish.

189. The Lhazaar Principalities are not going to be invaded by Breland for oil.

190. I will not ask King Kaius if he's Tzimisce or Ventrue.

191. I will not plead mind control whenever I do something despicable.

192. I will not use Spectral hand THAT way.

193. Magic is not to be abused for sexual purposes in ANY way.

195. The Book of Erotic Fantasy is NOT official D&D supplemental material.

196. NOR are my stats in there.

197. Nor will they be in there for the 3.5 edition!

198. Paladins do not only have "vanilla" sex.

199. It is wrong to tell the crew this.

200. Bard is not Aundair for BADASS.

201. Aundair does not have a word for that.

202. I will not attempt to pass off Marish as a fair maiden to trade for the Dragon's treasure.

203. Trust me, she's not been a maiden for a good long time.

204. There is no such thing as a Were-Half elf nor am I one.

205. Eberron does not need to trade the Daughters of Sora Kell for the Seven Sisters.

206. There is not a feat called "Always win".

213. Rose doesn't have Jarlot's artificial kidneys.

214. So stop stuffing barrels of liquid keelhauling down his throat.

215. I'll keelhaul the lot of you.

216. This isn't working.

217. Never enter the captain's room unannounced.

218. You will not spread false rumors about the captain.

219. Even if they're actually true.

220. The crew is forbidden from trying to make Lisa and Terra break their vows.

221. The captain can take a swipe at it once. The rest of you geeks are out of luck.

223. Rank hath its privileges.

220. No more annoying additional powers.

221. As if there was anyone we haven't ****** off - yet.

222. Ketler, for all the gods' sake, stop creating rifts in reality! Especially not if anything with "Star" comes through!

223. Ash is not Orville, nor has he ever said 'I wish I could fly'.

224. He's an elocater, so he can.

225. Sweet Tira Mirron, people, he's not even green...

226. I don't care what Chalky did to him, that's not his natural color.

227. He does not say 'I tawt I taw a puddy tat' either.

228: His bunk is not in the crow's nest.

229. Putting it there, dispite Phollie's claims to the counter, would not halve the number of onboard explosions.

230. He was not put on this ship just to be another bird Devon won't score with.

231. His lack of relevance thus far was not discrimination 'Because he is black'.

232. Despite the tendency for valuables to disappear around him he is not half magpie.

233. Hearing Marish say 'I feel like chicken tonight' does not mean Ash is about to get lucky.

234. Okay... So it does. Why is she the only crewmember who knew about him?

235. Her attraction to him is not derived from his ability to create a whip at will.

236. If the above is incorrect, I am not to be corrected. Ignorance is bliss.

237. Especially in that much detail... Erick, Lethe water please.

238. He is not being permited to stay on the ship solely becase he's one of the few who might indulge in some piracy.

239. Actually that's a lie, that's exactly why I'm letting him stay.

240. He may not brandish any staff, rod, wand or djorie and declaim 'This is my boomstick!'

241. Addendum; he is forbidden from quoting any Evil Dead films under any circumstances.

242. Not allowed to respond with words 'is that it?' after being targeted by fire spells.

243. Because Nalfein takes it as a challenge and that can't end well. That's why.

244. No one is allowed to start a betting pool on the results of Marish's pregnancy.

245. The one at Erk's is giving me a cut so use that one.

246. No using time magic to cheat on the pool.

247. Unless I'm in on it.

248. Silver is not allowed to bet on the grounds that she already knows. :ahem:

249. Caralot is not allowed to bet because she can use her super-advanced genetic knowledge to screen the babies.

250. Due to the fact that she has already done this, no one is allowed to consult Caralot.

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