1001 and more Things that the worst party in Eberron is forbidden from doing

Original thread

See also Forgotten_Freedom:Rules

1001+ Things that the worst party in Eberron is forbidden from doing...

From Captain Jarlot, Pirate at arms....

Activities that the Crew of the Airship Forgotten Freedom are Forbidden from engaging in:

1. Do not attempt to rub nair over the shifter first mate while she is asleep.
2. Do not taunt Cardinal Krozen about his inability to capture/kill the Crew. It's not bad, just tacky.
3. Do not taunt the The Lords of Dust about their inability to capture the Crew. It really should be bad, but it's not. Still tacky.
4. Do not taunt Queen Aurala about her inability to capture the Crew. Otherwise she'll stamp her foot and pout.
5. Do not shoot the villain while he's monologuing, no matter how long he takes.
6. There will be NO referring to King Kaius as Mein Fuhrer or goosestepping to his orders.
7. Even if he speaks in a thick German accent.
8. Even if the secret service wears jackboots.
9. Even if they're seeking the Ark.
10. ALRIGHT, THEY'RE NAZIS... SWEET TIRA MIRRON.
11. The Captain forbids the Elf from referring to Tira Mirron as a "Great Lay", "The Feisty Wench", and "The Naughty Girl who liked to lick".
12. The crew will not attempt to make the Paladin break his vows.
13. The crew will not point out the Paladin has already done so by being on a Pirate ship.
14. The crew will not use the Forgotten Freedom to buzz dinosaurs.
15. No matter how cool they look when they scamper.
16. ESPECIALLY NOT during halfling festival days.
17. The Lord of Blades does not need to see the Wizard for a heart.
18. He does not need oiling when it rains, nor is this an effective battle strategy against him.
19. Nor does he need a diploma, medal, or any combination of these things.
20. The Lord of Blades is not to be referred to as "Skippy".
21. Nor is Pontiff Jaela.
22. Even if she skips a lot.
23. Queen Aurala is not the Wicked Witch of the West.
24. Even if she is a witch and lives in the West and is of dubious morality.
25. Throwing water on her is not a means of "Undoing her wickedness".
26. Pontiff Jaela is not to be referred to as "Lolita".
27. Nor will she be referred to as "Major Hot Babe when she grows up".
28. ...even if she will be.
29. Errandis D'Vol cannot be stopped by dropping a house on her.
30. Nor can Queen Aurala.
31. King Boranal will not be invited to Frat Keggers or Orgies with Changeling Girls.
32. Even if he's game.
33. King Kaius is not the last boss in the Castlevania series.
34. Nor is his mortal enemy Simon Belmont.
35. It is wrong to cast magic mouth spells to play "The Phantom of the Opera" when he enters the room.
36. Or eat garlic pizza before talking to him.
37. Or hold up mirrors behind him while mouthing the word "Vampire".
38. Queen Aurala is not to be referred to as Glinda.
39. You cannot summon a Rajah by saying 'Hastur' three times.
40. Or a Daelkyr by saying "Candyman" into a mirror.
41. Dolgrims do not have one head that always lies and one that always tells the truth.
42. The Aereneal elves will not be referred to as "The creepy Goth elves".
43. Nor are the Deathless described as "Undead who all dress like they're in a 70s glam rock band".
44. We will not rob the Lightning Rail wearing scarves on our faces.
45. If we do, we won't claim to be trying to conduct a Time Travel experiment.
46. Even if we are.
47. Valenar Elves are not to be called "Romulans".
48. You will not compare a Valenar Elf's performance to Legolas.
49. Even if Legolas could do it much better.
50. I am the reincarnation of King Jarlot, none of you are.
51. I will not attempt to restart the Great War for "kicks".
52. Dwarves will not be referred to as "The Swiss."
53. Even if they have fine chocolate and good cheeses.
54. No, it is a rumor you can conquer Aundair by simply walking into it.
55. It is wrong to use Ventriloquism to predict the end of the world in a cathedral in Thrane.
56. The Quori are not to be referred to as "The Q" or are their activities from "The Q Continuum".
57. The changeling is forbidden from deliberately appearing as Earth celebrities she has no idea exist.
58. Darguun are not to be called "Klingons."
59. Even if they have swords suspiciously similiar to them.
60. Riedra is not Japan or China or any other Oriental culture, so I cannot go there to spot me some Asian chicks.
61. The Monk will also not use the word "WO PAW!" after every strike.
62. Shifters cannot be Catgirls.
63. Or Foxgirls.
64. OR BUNNY GIRLS.
65. Even if they were I could not make a mansion of them and sell their pictorials.
66. When conducting robberies, I will not give wedgies to Dragonshard house nobles because they 'richly deserve it'.
67. Merrix D'Cannith is not to be referred to as "Lex Luthor, greatest criminal mastermind inventor of the 11th century!"
68. Even if he's bald, an inventor, and a supervillain.
69. Q'barra is not the home of voodoo, plantations, or good cajun cooking.
70. Kobolds are not to be called "Spot", "Fido", or "Rover".
71. Nor will you attempt to teach them 'tricks'.
72. Kobolds do not speak in an accent similiar to Ren or say things like "It is not I who am crazy, it is I who am MAD!"
73. There will be no characters accepted who are Lysander Bugbear pilots named Baloo.
74. Nor will lovable kid sidekicks named Cloudkicker with Tenser Floating Disks.
75. You will not refer to a wand of fireballs as your "Boomstick".
76. The Mockery is not your Copilot.
77. Nor the Traveller.
78. Queen Aurala is not to be referred to as the "Virgin Queen" in a derogatory manner.
79. Any rumor that such a name is inappropriate because of me is to be squashed.
80. Halflings of Clan Boramar are not to speak like they're Italian or in the Godfather.
81. Nor is Joe Peschi a Halfling.
82. Even if he claims so.
83. You cannot play four Turtle Ninja Shifters.
84. It is wrong to refer to King Boranal's daughter as a fine piece of ***.
85. Even if she is.
86. I will not attempt to turn the Forgotten Freedom into a Pimpmobile.
87. The Gods of Eberron do not fail to appear on the earthly plane because I am "THAT" badass...
88. Kalashatyr are not to be referred to as the Tok'Ra.
89. Nor the Quori as Goa'uld.
90. We are not the Crew of Firefly.
91. Nor Blake's 7.
92. Even if an Alliance is chasing us.
93. I am to be referred to as Captain Jarlot not "Jack Sparrow" or "Keith Richards".
94. Even if there's a frightening resemblance sometimes.
95. Xen'drick is not to be referred to as "The land of stereotyped minorities brought to light by the glories of colonialism".
96. Pontiff Jaela is not to be referred to as "Ruri" or "Rei Ayanami".
97. No, you cannot wear the pope hat.
98. Even if she lets you.
99. It is wrong to attempt to make the Lord of Blades sing "Daisy".
100. He is not to be referred to as R.O.B.B.I.E or any other warforged.
101. No, I cannot stencil in a Dragonmark for powers.
102. Especially not the Dragonmark of Death.
Nr. 103 has been lost to the sands of time.
104. Repeat after me, I did not cause the Day of Mourning.
105. I am not Batman.
106. The Demon Wastes will not be referred to as "Athas".
107. A Mel Gibson look-alike is not driving around The Mournland in a V8.
108. What most Mourners do not need is "A good slap".
109. Seig Heil is not the correct manner of greeting King Kaius.
110. Being a pirate does not make me the ultimate enemy of ninjas.
111. Being a pirate does not make Boo Radley our King or the Mockingbird something we must figure out how to kill.
112. The proper response to a defeated foe offering surrender is not:
"ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US!"
113. Or:
"YOU ARE ON YOUR WAY TO DESTRUCTION!"
"HAHAHAHAHA."
114. Even if I laugh like hell.
115. There is not a secret plot to combine Dark Sun and the Council of Wyrms and the Flanaes into one setting on Eberron to save money.
116. Even if they did it with Forgotten Realms.
117. You shall not argue the merits of the attractive paladin turning tricks "for the good of the party".
118. Bards are not to be shot on sight for being worthless.
119. Nor shall Gnomes.
120. The Gnomes of Zilargo are not the cast from Cruel Intentions and every soap opera in history.
121. People from the Eldeen Reaches do not have plaid outfits and talk like Hillbillies.
122. I will not make "You might be from the Eldeen Reaches" lists.
123. Making only the Orcs like this is not a substitute.
124. The Aurrum are not led by Blofeld.
125. Or Doctor Evil.
126. Austin Powers is not a member of the King's Citadel.
127. James Bond is.
128. I will never, under ANY circumstances, shout "My name is Inigo Montoya, You killed my father. Prepare to die".
129. Even if they did.
130. You will not try and hum the 2001 theme when encountering Quori monoliths.
131. Boris and Natasha do not work for Karrnath.
132. King Kaius is not to be referred to as "Fearless Leader".
133. Moose and Squirrel are not good code names for the party when doing undercover work against them.
134. The Wardens of the Forest are not to be referred to as the Harpers.
135. Nor are they lead by Elminster.
136. I will not, when meeting Kalashatyr, shout "Wait, I've met you before in the ancient civilization of the Giants in a previous life. Yes, ATLANTIS!"
137. Even if I did.
138. I will not attempt to rescue party members from the Realm of the Dead by saying to the Maruts "You know a guy thirty miles away is trying to sneak away a soul. He's invisible so look really for an hour."
139. If the condition for releasing a party member is not to look back at them, do not simply stick your hands behind your head to block your vision and claim it works.
140. You are not in 8-bit, nor is "Haddoken" or "Stabbity death" an answer for anything.
141. I will not build a spelljammer to surf on the Ring of Siberys.
142. I will not use Khyber shards to summon Elvis.
143. Warforged are not to be my butlers.
144. The Chamber is not to be called "The Dragonati".
145. Rakshasas are not members of the Masons or effete British Indian Colonialists.
146. Sharn is not "New York only more flying carpets".
147. The Gatekeepers are not an anime about Communist fears of Japan.
148. The proper battle cry for a female moonspeaker is not "IN THE NAME OF THE MOON, I WILL PUNISH YOU!"
149. Even if you are a SAILOR Moonspeaker.
150. House Cannith is not ShinRa nor is it possible to find Aeris selling flowers in Sharn.
151. Being from Karrnath is not reason enough to wear a German barmaid's outfit.
152. Especially if you are a man.
153. As a child, Queen Aurala did not have a gingerbread house that she lured you to try and eat you.
154. If she does own a magic mirror, it's not to scry the land so she can put to sleep girls who are more attractive than her or lock them in towers.
155. You will not shout "my ass" when talk of her benevolent rule is spoken.
156. The Thrane Royal Family will not be referred to as "the most useless monarchy since Britains".
157. Even if one of you happens to be a subject of the Queen of England (and Canada).
158. Merrix D'Cannith is not building a giant *fingerwag* laser on one of the moons.
159. You will not pretend to be Boranal's bastard son.
160. Even if it's 50-50 likely.
161. You will not try and use the Silver Flame to roast marshmallows.
162. Or weenies.
163. You will not ask if you can put a rotisserie over it.
164. BBQ over it does not taste better because of that 'spiritual goodness'.
165. I will not claim to have had sex with Dol Arrah.
166. Or Arawai.
167. Or the Fury.
168. Especially not at once.
167. Elves do not react to dog whistles.
168. Kobolds do.
169. Erandis D'Vol is not "Vecna's teenage Goth daughter".
170. No, I cannot import kender via the Plane of Shadows to leave a mark of fear and terrror across the land.
171. Five warforged cannot join together with five magic medallions to become Voltron.
172. It is wrong to tell warforged this.
173. The Blood of Vol did not get started by the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
174. Breland's Colossus of Freedom does not have "Give me your rich, your pretty, and your gulliable" on her tablet.
175. The airship's mechanic shall not be referred to as "Cid".
176. Dragonshards will not be referred to as "Materia".
177. Or Mana.
178. You will not hum the Legend of Zelda theme while walking.
179. It is not a compliment to toss catnip on shifters and watch them trip out.
180. Argonessan is not Australia, I don't know where you got the idea and all dragons do not suddenly talk like the Crocodile Hunter.
181. Jedi is not an acceptable prestige class because all things can be found in Eberron.
182. Nor can you refer to the bugbear as Chewie.
183. Cyre will not mutate superintelligent apes and they will eventually replace us all so we might as well blow the planet now.
184. The Emerald Claw is a frightening group of terrorists and undead worshippers, they are not to be judged by the fact their name sounds like a strip club or oriental restaurant.
185. When the Quori view my dreams, I cannot imagine them stomped on by Godzilla to kill them.
186. The Tarrasque is not Godzilla... IN ANY WORLD.
187. Bone Knights should not be challenged by saying "You get a real boner for combat, huh?"
188. The proper response for a mysterious NPC giving a mission is to not spit whiskey on them and then set them on fire.
189. Booty from treasure hunts will not be referred to as "bling bling".
190. When we see a distress signal we do not say "F*** that! We're taking this boat to Risa."
191. It's wrong to capture dinosaurs and try to open a park on some island near Xen'drick.
192. The proper response when meeting the son of Queen Aurala is not to say "You know your mom's a real *****, right?"
193. If Queen Aurala is ever successfully kidnapped, you will not try her for witchcraft by putting a fake nose on her and weighing her against a duck.
194. Jaela's birthday six years from now will not be a cause for celebration because she turns 'legal'.
195. You will not beat the crazzap out of Royal Eyes members on principle.
196. Or casually announce their status as spies in crowded marketplaces.
197. Putting up your cloak in broad daylight does not add +1 to your Hide/Sneak check.
198. The Day of Mourning did not result in mass mutations that created the Eberron version of the X-Men.
199. Or the Incredible Hulk.
200. You will not pistol whip Prince Jurian.
201. Unless I order you to.
202. Queen Aurala is not even a Magic user! Why the hell do you keep making the Witch jokes!?
201. Prince Oargev's name is not a euphemism for his sexual leanings.
202. Cyre was not Naboo nor was the Day of Mourning righteous revenge for the Prequels.
203. The Daughters of Sora Kell are not a Lilith Fair band.
204. You will not ask any Rakshasa Prince to endorse frosted flakes by saying "They'reee GREAAAAAT!"
205. You may shorten my rank to Cap'n, however my surname is Jarlot, not "Crunch".
206. You may not hang five warforged from the keel to make a Newton's cradle.
207. That right is reserved for me and me alone.
208. You will not build a stepladder into the Warforged.
209. Or a bucket seat.
210. Or an umbrella.
211. The Warforged is not a nutcracker.
212. Nor can he light fires by snapping his fingers.
213. You will not refer to Esravash as 'that old windbag'.
214. The Warforged will not be referred to as 'Johnny 5'.
215. The Artificer will not be referred to as 'MacGyver' unless that is his name.
216. You may not name an Artificer 'MacGyver'.
217. You are not Indiana Jones, this is not the Temple of Doom.
218. Even if is looks like it.
219. You will not randomly push people off bridges in Sharn 'to see if gravity still works'.
220. You are not Korben Dallas.
221. You are not named Gar ir'Baldi, and you are not the security chief of Argonth 5.
222. ...Though that's not a bad idea for a campaign.
223. Aereneal Elves are not to be referred to as 'Hot Topic Elves'.
224. You will not greet Valenar Elves by yelling "Ya Hya Chouhada!"
225. Valenar Elves do not speak with a bad Middle Eastern accent.
226. ...or 'Praise Allah.'
227. You may not be the gnomish bard who invented the saxophone.
228. There is no football stadium in Sharn, and Sharn's team does not have Juggernaut linemen.
229. Your Boots of Striding and Springing do not have the 'swoosh' logo on them.
230. Dragons are not Vorlons.
231. Daelkyr are not Shadows.
232. The Tarrasque will not be reffered to as 'Mr. T.'
233. Mr. T. will not be imitated under any circumstances.
234. Nor will MC Hammer.
235. Or Michael Jackson.
236. Singing 'Thriller' or 'Living Dead Girl' in the company of Aereneal Elves is not acceptable.
237. The Changeling will not use the Warforged to break his fall.
238. Your Shifter was not an original cast member of 'CATS'.
239. Your Bard's name is not Idina, Maureen, Elphaba, or Aida.
240. King Boranel will not be referred to as 'gramps'.
241. You will not carry a largish bath towel and a book that you claim contains all the information you need to survive out there.
242. You will not shoot down the Giant Owl and Gargoyle members of Sharn's postal service.
243. Good Warforged are not Autobots, evil ones are not Decepticons.
244. Warforged Druids are not Maximals or Predacons, for that matter.
245. You will not, under any circumstance, use the word 'kender'.
246. You are not allowed to refer to Warforged as 'Cylons'.
247. You are not allowed to pick fights with the leaders of major religions.
248. You are not allowed to hit on them either.
249. ...especially if doing so would violate Thranish age of consent laws.
250. That wand is not your pimp stick, and please take off that stupid hat.
251. Refering to the shifter as "Whiskers", "Mittens", "Garfield", "Princess Frou-Frou", "Kitty", or "Fluffy" is strictly prohibited... while he is within earshot.
252. Despite the fact that House Cannith has a mostly Warforged staffed Concierge service, it is not appropriate to call all Warforged you meet after that "Concierge".
253. Despite the fact that Merrix d'Cannith wears a rainbow wig, a t-shirt that says "I <3 Warforged", and drools all over himself mumbling "Mournlands..." does not mean that you can make fun of him... while he is within earshot.
254. Under no circumstances are you to refer to King Kaius as "Lord Zedd", nor Queen Auralia as "Rita Repulsa". They are not both in cahoots to stop us from saving the world, nor are they plotting to send giant monsters into Sharn.
255. Pope Jaela is *not* River Tam, and you may not invite her to come with us on our journey.
256. Even if she wants to.
257. And even if the paladin thinks she'll be "dreamy" in a couple of years.
258. Yes, I am aware that the paladin is female; let a man have his dreams.
259. You will not refer to the captains of other ships (land or air based) as "The guy that's about to be thrown overboard".
260. Even if that is so very, very true.
261. King Borenal's mother was not, in fact, a hamster. Nor did his father smell of elderberries. Any assertions to the contrary will be met with deadly force by the Darklanterns.
262. Using the skyskiff to pick up chicks is strictly prohibited.
263. Unless you bring back enough for everyone.
264. After the Captain orders you to clean the boat, you will not tell him to "go wax his prow" or "get the mast out of his poop deck".
264. Though you are a shifter, you do not have the "heart of a lion, wings of a bat"; no matter how much you want them.
265. We are not changing the name of the boat to Limozeen.
266. The Eldeen Reaches are not "the best place to pitch trash over the side of the ship". Do you *not* understand the concept of Druids?
267. Wroat is not short for "Deep Wroat" despite what those Changeling "escorts" told you.
268. No, you cannot have the cleric cast Remove Disease on you now. You have to suffer for a bit. We warned you about Droaam girls, but *no*, you didn't listen.
269. Besides, he has to cast Remove Disease on me first. And I'm the Captain. So there.
270. House Lyrandar does *not* speak Al Bhed, despite similar clothing styles and airship useage. "Ku clnaf ouincamv!" and "Ouin sudran ec y fruna!" are not good conversation starters.
271. There is not a Black Mage Academy; and even if there was, you couldn't go study there.
272. Under no circumstances are you to sing the theme of "The Greatest American Hero" while you are riding a soarsled through Sharn.
273. Do not refer to the Warforged as "Man of Steel Man".
274. After casting Fireball at the Lord of Blades, calling him "LOBster Thermidor" is just adding insult to injury.
275. So feel free to do that any time the occasion arises.
276. The Seren barbarians do not speak with heavy Cockney accents. Calling them Guv'nah will just **** them off more.
277. King Kaius is not "a blatant rip off of that Angel character". Saying such things to his face is frowned upon, and may result in your quite timely death.
278. The Aurrum are not to be refered to as "Ferengi".
279. The ship's cabin boy is not to be refered to as "anchor".
280. Despite having been used as such on several occasions.
281. We will not pay for a Reincarnate, Ressurection, or True Ressurection after you are smote for making innapropriate advances toward Pope Jaela.
282. I don't care if she was wearing a short skirt.
283. You will not refer to the Paladin's Wand of Cure Light Wounds as "The Magic Stick".
284. It is not okay to ask her to "hit it twice" if she has already used a charge on you.
285. "Why don't you come back to my place and exorcize the demon?" is *not* anything resembling a good pick-up line, and may not be used on any cleric, paladin, or priest of any religion.
286. Especially if you're a Tiefling or Half-Fiend.
287. Especially not Jaela.
288. Paladins of the Silver Flame are not to be referred to as "Flamer Crusaders".
289. Nor may you accompany that insult with a limp-wristed wave.
290. Talenta Halflings do not like being called "Barney-riding Kender".
291. Limericks are strictly forbidden after the incident at the Cathedral of the Silver Flame. Let us never speak of it again.
292. Gorgons do not make good house pets.
293. Neither do cockatrices. I am not paying for another Stone to Flesh.
294. When the Paladin uses Turn Undead, it does not make her into a zombie. Telling the townsfolk such things is a bad practice.
295. You may not mock the Paladin if she fails a Turn Undead attempt by asking her if she was "Turning Japanese" by mistake.
296. Going fishing for dinosaurs while hovering over the Talenta Plains is *not* a good idea.
297. If you catch a rider along with the dinosaur, calling it a "two-fer" in their presence may make someone upset.
298. Not me, though, because that's hilarious.
299. The Captain is not to be refered to as "Cap'n Mehoff".
300. There are not 15 houses. House Atreides, House Harkonnen, and House Corrino are *not* real. You just got really drunk.
301. Don't tell that to Baron Harkonnen, though, he gets really sensitive about those kinds of things.
302. The Valenar are not Fremen, they will not teach you how to ride sandworms. Stop asking them.
251. When a Gatekeeper druid tells you his faction, the appropriate response is never "I am the Keymaster!"
252. When sneaking through the Keeper's lair, it's not a good idea to point at one of the Shards and say "Hey, is that Elvis?"
253. Stop asking every changeling you meet whether you can join the Dominion.
254. The state of accelerated action and awareness created by Time Stop is not to be referred to as "bullet time" or "entering the Matrix".
255. When your elemental galleon comes in to dock, with a wharf ahead and to its right, it is not appropriate to exclaim "There's Klingons on the starboard bow!"
257. It's wrong to try and make warforged obey the Three Laws of Robotics.
258. The return of the Dhakaani empire will not be like the South Rising Again.
259. The Dawning of the Next Age of the Kalashatyr will not be when the Moon is in the Second house and Jupiter aligns with Mars...
260. Shadowrun is not the official future for Eberron.
261. Harry Potter does not attend Hogwarts in Aundair.
262. Despite what the rules say, tossing a bag of rats over someone while you have great cleave doesn't allow you to hit them a dozen times in a single turn.
263. Lhazaar is not pronounced "Laz E Boy".
264. It is wrong to tell warforged that the proper greeting for a stranger from a culture he hasn't visited is to punch him in the face.
265. The solution to every problem is not "Blow them all to Hell with fireballs and let god sort them out".
266. Thaliost isn't to be referred to as Belfast.
267. It is wrong to linger in King Kaius's undead harem.
268. Even if I do.
269. The Crusade against werecreatures was not motivated by furry porn and it's wrong to spread this.
270. Money acquired from corpses, treasure chests, robbed victims, and the like will be stored in banks and not buried on unfamiliar islands or placed in other dungeons with monsters hired from Droaam to guard them.
271. We will not try and open this as an alternative to Mror Hold banking.
272. It's wrong to tell warforged that the Treaty of Thronehold was fake and they're their secret contact to give them orders to rise up and slaughter all the humans the day after you leave.
273. The words "RAMMING SPEED" will be ordered by the Captain and the Captain alone on this vessel.
274. It is not permissable for the wizards onboard to 'Aurala Slap' a sorcerer with his spellbook.
275. Even if the Sorcerer laughs about them having to use books.
276. I will not psyche up warforged before battle by saying "You do not know pain, you do not know fear, you will taste Man-flesh!"
277. Even if they are really curious about what Man-flesh tastes like.
278. It's wrong to point out that Cardinal Kronzen looks exactly like Tim Curry.
279. And that he looks like Monty Burns when he taps his fingers together and says "Excellllllent."
280. And that he usually reveals his plans by just turning to the side and muttering things like "Do they suspect I intend to have the King killed?"
281. I will not refer to the Queen's champion in Thrane as D'Artangne.
282. We will not give the money we steal from the rich to the poor.
283. Even if we told the Paladin this.
284. And we operate from an Eldeen Reaches forest...
285. Called Sherwood...
286. And we're all very Merry.
287. It is wrong to tell the warforged that "You can kiss my robot ass" is a socially acceptable response to all questions.
288. Cloud Strife and Squall Lionheart are not recruitable to our cause, nor will we use our money to open up mercenary academies called Gardens.
289. It is wrong to liberally quote Braveheart to incite Rebellion in Northern Breland.
290. Not only is it very wrong to offer Pontiff Jaela candy to get in a coach with you... this Pirate ship in no way condones what you're thinking.
291. Clicking your heels is not a way to greet Kaius's daughter.
292. Or to take you back to Kansas.
299. Our next target is not the Ruby encrusted slippers of Aurala's sister so we can go back there.
300. The Trust are not Gnome Ninjas.
301. We will not buy a submarine to hunt warships of the Brelish crown.
302. Nor can you refer to me as Nemo.
303. Even if the Island I own is mysterious.
304. This ship is not a Democracy and you cannot vote me off as leader.
305. Or my island.
306. Dungeons and Dragons the movie is not set in Aundair. Even we recognize Aundair has more value than that.
307. It is wrong to attempt to rig the Race of Winds in Sharn...
308. So the Tortoise wins.
309. Selina Kyle is not a Shifter Rogue.
310. Clayface is not a Fat Changeling.
311. I repeat, I am not Batman.
312. You will never ask the Cult of the Dragon Below worshipping the Dark Six to allow you to choose the form in which the Traveller shall come.
313. Even if the marshmallows will make us a bundle.
314. I do not know kung fu.
315. Only the Monk Does.
316. The Monk does not know drunken boxing, however...
317. The monk cannot refer to junior crew as "grasshopper".
318. Jaela cannot defeat evil by getting a team of young girl priestesses together who wear short skirts... it's wrong to tell her there's a sacred reason for it.
319. She does not have a Silver Millennium Crystal.
320. It is wrong to tell her "COSMIC FLAME POWER" is an appropriate statement for the use of high-level attack spells.
321. The Knights of Thrane are not the Flaming Knights...
(special thanks above)
322. Shouting Attacks before I do them is just dumb.
323. I will not breed Aberrations using spells to make them cute in the hope of creating Pokemon.
324 ...or Chocobos.
325. The Lord of Blades does not have a wacky sidekick plotting against him called Starscream.
326. Jaela being the Chosen is meant that she will be their spiritual leader and guide. It does not mean that she will get a highly educated Brelish demonologist to follow her while she hunts demons.
327. King Boranal is not Sean Connery, I don't know why the crew keeps using Sean Connery's accent to immitate him.
328. You are not allowed to use a warforged's severed head with a light spell as an impromptu everbright lantern.
329. Even if it's dark in the sewers of Sharn and you forgot to bring yours.
330. No, the warforged fighter cannot hurl the shifter barbarian at his enemies.
331. Even with an action point.
332. *sigh* Ok, roll your Strength check.
333. The changeling cannot absorb the Talenta barbarian into herself and gain extra HP nor can she gain one use of the Rage ability.
334. The martial artists at the embassy ball are members of the Royal Eyes of Aundair, not members of the "Crazy 88".
335. The one on the left is not Gordon Liu.
336. Even if he's bald and has a mask.
337. When an agent of the Lord of Blades is defeated you shall not yell: "The Snitch! Fetch me my broom of flying, quick!" upon the appearance of a final messenger.
338. Warforged are intelligent and articulate. They do not go around saying "WARFORGED!" all the time.
339. When discovering dangerous eldritch machines in secret House Cannith research facilities, it is in bad form to yell: "We found the weapons of mass destruction!"
340. There is no such thing as a Dragonmark of Caring, nor does my Bear Shifter have it on his tummy.
341. The party mage must be refraned from telling the guards "These arent the warforged youre looking for."
342. The bard must be immediately slain upon uttering the words "Anyone want to hear some Depeche Mode?"
343. Even if someone does.
344. The warforged must be discouraged from yelling "EXTERMINATE, EXTERMINATE!!" at random.
345. The Silver Flame is not lit by propane.
346. Nor is it the Olympic flame.
347. Nor is it a trash incinerator.
348. We do not 'dump our garbage before going to lightspeed'.
349. Warforged are not Omnimechs.
350. They arent protomechs, either. So stop cutting them open to 'make sure the pilot is dead'.
351. We don't do orbital bombardment.
352. Air strikes are still okay.
353. Our job is not "To kill our enemies, to see them driven before us, and to hear the lamentations of their women". That's what we do on our days off.
354. Mustn't use the fire elemental powering the airship to light cigars.
355. Elves don't call people "Mr. Anderson".
356. The warforged isn't named Bender.
357. He doesn't run on alcohol, either.
358. Dont hum the 'Lumberjack' song around someone from the Eldeen Reaches.
359. Unless you really want to.
360) Yes, everyone DOES expect the 'Thranish Inquisition'! They've already done it twice. Stop saying otherwise.
361) Any warforged uttering the phase "I'll be back" will under no circumstances be allowed to reboard the ship.
362) Darkvision is not 'Infravision'. You cannot hide yourself from it by setting your surroundings on fire.
363) If you are a Valenar Elf traveling with 12 demon waste barbarians, you may not refer to yourself as Ahmad Ibn Fadlan or "the thirteenth warrior".
364) Even if you are.
365) Kalashtar, or Psions in general, named Akira or Tetsuo will be immediately pitched overboard (regardless of altitude).
366) Repeat after me: "The Mournland is not the world's greatest open air dungeon."
367) Even though it is.
368) The Lord of Blades does not have any difficulty whistling "Pop goes the weasel".
369) Nor does he get his abilities from the Autobot Matrix.
370) Shouting "Victory is mine!" is a sure way to have it wrested from you at the most inopportune moment.
371) The name of this airship is the Forgotten Freedom, not the 'Millennium Falcon', the 'Bebop', or the 'Titanic.'
372) Those are travelling papers, not a "multi-pass". Stop refering to them as such.
373) Any spellcaster whose somatic component for web is to fold his ring and middle finger back onto his palm while flexing his hand down at the wrist is simply begging to be stabbed in his sleep.
374) You cannot polymorph your crewmates into uninjured versions of themselves simply because no one bothered to play a cleric.
375) Whoever sold you that information regarding the location of a dragon orb ripped you off.
376) And no, it isn't worth investigating "just in case".
377) Halflings and gnomes in Eberron are not to be played simply for comic relief.
378) Otter shifters named "Mudge" will be feathered with arrows on sight, just on general principle.
379) As will "Jon-Tom", his human bard companion.
380) And any oracle pigs brought on board will be butchered for bacon and ham.
381) Refering to Cyrans as having "Gulf War Syndrome" is very uncouth, and will not be tolerated.
382) Even if you and I WERE both there.
383) You will not attempt, under any circumstances, to pay a hoard of homeless bums a few cp each to follow you around and 'overbear' any opponents you yourself cannot defeat.
384) Even though that is really funny.
385) Nor will you refer to me as "B.A." simply because I will not allow you to do any of the 384 things that come before this rule.
386. If we successfully steal a submarine, we will not paint it yellow.
387. Dreamlily is not known as pot in other worlds.
388. We are already the most wanted group in all of Eberron. Do not attempt to place bets on who can get their bounties up higher.
389. You will not humiliate guardsmen...
390. Unless they really have it coming.
391. Wayne Brady does not have to choke a ho.
392. Nor do you.
393. It is inappropriate to ho out the Catgi...err shifter.
394. If you do, then do not put her in a diamond studded collar.
395. Even if she really likes it.
396. ESPECIALLY do not attach a leash to it.
397. Aundair is the nation of Magicians, Artists, and Intrigue, not the land of "Frog's legs eating surrender monkeys".
398. Morgaive University is not to be referred to as "Miskatonic University".
399. Even if it has a copy of the Necronomicron in it's library and an abnormally high rate of doomed expeditions into the unnamable reaches.
400. I will not feed warforged screws, nuts, and bolts at dinner time.
401. The warforged is not to refer to me or any other human as "meatbags".
402. Dragons will never be referred to as "Puff".
403. Nor will you offer them maidens as a sacrifice.
404. Especially not female crew members who won't put out.
405. I will not attempt to graft warforged parts onto my body and ask to use the Rules of Shadowrun for this.
406. I will not pretend Mage the Ascension rules is optional for D&D.
407. Or Exalted.
408. I am not Captain Harlock, nor am I the Rubber Band character from One Piece.
409. Any attempt to test this will result in walking the plank.
410. Which is not a metaphor for homosexuality.
411. The Plank is not a diving board.
412. Nor can you have the shifter girl use a lifeboat to turn tricks...
413. Or call it "Inara's shuttle".
414. The ship's library is not to be emptied and replaced with nothing but porn and Ann Rand.
415. Even if that would change nothing.
416. When fighting the Lord of Blades you will NOT sing "You've got the Touch".
417. 'Dare to be Stupid' is appropriate.
418. As pirate, we find Talk Like A Pirate Day to be unnecessary.
419. Especially just to make conversations incomprehensible.
420. Marish the Shifter Girl is to be reminded her race is terrifying and feral, not cute and fuzzy.
420. Despite its bad attiude, the druid's Awakened Horrid Rat is NOT named Foamy.
421. If a skiff crashes in a city, we aren't going after it. This ain't "Air Ship Down".
422. Thou shalt NOT repel boarders with Alchemist's Fire.
423. We dont make bombing runs with "Bigby's Crushing Tactical Nuke".
424. Unless we have a pool going as to who can get the closest to the target.
425. A Karnnathi Skeleton or Zombie is not a Deadite.
426. You are not allowed to send Arawai a Mother's Day card, signed "The Fury".
427. The proper way to repair a warforged does not involve an Erector set.
428. The warforged is not on this ship to sell drinks.
429. We don't know the way to San Jose.
430. Don't call the shifter to a meal by shouting "HERE KITTY, KITTY, KITTY."
431. Even if he asks you to.
432. Don't use Alter Self to get at King Kaius's harem.
433. Ever.
434. Using Prestidigation to paint someone hot pink while they sleep is tacky.
435. Funny, but tacky.
436. The Deck of Many things isn't to be used for a game of poker.
437. Or blackjack.
438. Or Baccarat.
439. Or Old Maid.
440. When given an order by the captain, the correct response is 'Yes, sir'. Not 'sez you'.
441. We don't deliver pizza in 30 minutes or less.
442. In Eberron, killing them because they are goblins is not encouraged...
443. Even if the vast majority of them are still evil.
444. Flumphs do not attach themselves to people's faces and lay their eggs until they burst out of a person's chest...
445. Even if that would make them a much better creature.
446. Singing I like Darguneese to the tune of "I like Chinese" will not win you friends.
447. No you CANNOT outdrink the dwarf...
448. Do not refer to Boranal as Azoun, Arthur, or Aragorn.
449. No Erandis D'Vol is not Fistdantilius's daughter or Skeletor's sister or the girl from the Corpse Bride.
450. Stop spreading rumors that Merrix D'Cannith runs a chocolate factory with a Xen'drick orange gnome race and that you can get in by finding golden tickets hidden worldwide.
451. Marish the shifter girl cat is not McDonalds, no matter how many she's served.
452. Do not refer to Henchmen crew as "Red Shirts".
453. Do not play Taps when we're exiting the ship with the Henchmen crew just recruited.
454. We have a high enough fatality rate as it is, do not PK because you're having a really bad day at work and we've got a cleric with raise dead finally.
455. Alf is not our god nor is Long John Silver's our Temple. I don't even want to know how you came up with that link.
456. On a related note, Optimus Prime is not the warforged god and it is wrong to tell them so.
457. I am not the Dread Pirate Roberts, though I may kill you today.
458 through 460. NO you cannot invent Gunpowder!
461. Singing "The Bare Necessities" is not a good way to endear yourself to a subsistence-living Bugbear tribe.
462. Crew members Raistlin Majere, Drizzt Do'Urden, Kenshin Himora, and any variations on these above will be forced to fight to the death in a battle royal.
463. And the winner's killed.
464. You are not allowed to use a halfling to go 'Dino fishing'.
465. You are not allowed to use a Fireball to go Dino giggin'.
466. The party cleric is not "Dr. Feelgood".
467. You are not allowed to ho out the shifter girl for 5 gp per trick.
467. It's 10 gp per trick.
468. You are not dating the Daughters of Sora Kell.
469. Errandis d'Vol is not to be refered to as "Lichie Lich".
470. Or "That dried-up old Lich".
471. You are not allowed to train an army of kobolds and name them "Tucker's Kobolds".
471. Even if your name IS Tucker.
472. The warforged juggernaut is NOT the ship's anchor.
473. Nor is he the airship's 'emergency brake'.
474. Fnord does not exist.
465. Getting the bard to play the Star Wars theme and begging the cleric to tell you to "use the Force" while you magic missile the portholes of enemy ships is expressly forbidden.
466. Suggesting to the captain that he acquire a regiment of Karnnathi dead for use as marines and rechristen the "Forgotten Freedom" the "Black Pearl" merits being marooned with a hand crossbow and one bolt on the Ring of Syberys.
467. Bards inclined to perform Wagner's "The Ride of the Valkyries" durring strafing runs will be sent below decks forthwith.
468. Questioning Kalashtar crew members as to how "Harvey" is doing, asking whether or not they had a "prodigal roommate" in college, or making any references to the possibility of their entire race being a bunch of paranoid schizophrenics is frowned upon....even though it's so true.
469. Use of divinations to see what Pontiff Jaela is going to look like when she hits puberty is forbidden unless the rest of the crew is invited to see as well.
470. "Cause we're pirates!" is not an excuse for any action I choose to do.
471. I do not fear a crocodile that took my hand.
472. The first mate is not to be referred to as Smee.
472. My mortal enemy is not Peter Pan.
473. We will not ask the artificer to build a laser sword with guns on it that shoots other swords.
474. If we did, I would own it.
475. Shooting a man in the face because he asked for my identification is not an acceptable response...
476. Especially when we paid for fake IDs.
477. Queen Aurala is not the villainess in the movie "Willow".
478. No referring to the Engine Room chief as "Scotty".
479. Even if he is from the part of Breland they wear kilts in.
480. Pirates cannot survive falls of a million feet because we're Pirates and thus awesome.
481. It is wrong to test this on others.
482, It is wrong to put on a hockey mask and take a machete to chase co-eds around Lakes or Universities.
483. I don't care if you were really drunk when you did it.
484. Being a shapechanged druid does not give you permission to hump people's legs.
485. Or any other part of their body.
486. There are no crocodiles in the sewers of Sharn.
487. It is wrong to add them.
488. We do not have phasers or photon torpedoes.
489. Prince Jurian will not be "hoisted by his own petard" whenever we find him.
490. The proper response for disobediance from the shifter is bread and water at meal times, not spanking.
491. Illithids do not worship "Great Cthulhu".
492. When attacking a Riedran Stronghold guarded by Beholders, Elementalists, and Martial Artists... we do not do our best to act out Big Trouble From Little China.
493. There is not only one true God whose name is Keith Baker.
494. It is wrong to tell Worshippers of the Silver Flame that they worship a bunch of dead feathered snakes.
495. Rakshasas are not to be referred to as "Tony".
496. Vengeance from the Boramar clan does not take the form of a Fish being delivered into the coat of an enemy.
497. You are not going to convince the head of the Boramar clan that he needs you as a psychiatrist.
498. It is wrong to use suggestion to convince Prince Oargev he's gay.
499. Umbragen will not be referred to as "the shrill-voiced drow wannabes".
500. The Keep on the Borderlands is not Little nor is it inhabited by a bunch of wholesome homesteaders.
501. There's no such thing as Gnome Gninjas.
502. Even if there were, the extra silent "G" doesn't make them any more deadly.
503. We will not christen our next airship any of the following:
The Hindenberg
The Titanic
Fireball XL5
Prometheus
Daedalus
Definitely not Icarus
Any numeral preceeded by any variation on the word 'Thunderbird'
Laputa
Cloudbase
Aundair Force One
505: The Kalashtar Soulknife is not a Jedi.
506: You will not use Unseen Servant in that manner. I don't care if it feels nice.
507: Kalashtar do not have a little angel and/or a little devil on their shoulder.
508: The Burning Ring is not your personal sandbox.
509: No, you cannot call LoB "Ah-nold, the Governator". It would inflate his ego.
510: You shall not call Clevis the Kalashtar Soulknife "Cleavage".
511: Even if I made it up.
512: Prince Oargev is not Aragorn.
513: The Skyway is not Laputa.
514: The warforged is forbidden to complain that because he can't get drunk, high, or laid, he has nothing to do at night.
515: The warforged is not just a garbage can with sparks coming out of it.
516: And the sparks do not keep him warm.
517: The handshake will not be replaced by the "skullpunch" no matter how much you want it to be.
518: The changeling is forbidden to be alone with a full length mirror.
519: Not all bridges of Sharn cast Featherfall, and leaping over the sides of each is not a good method to determine which do.
520: Wrapping an unconscious hostage in a cloak will do little to dissuade suspicion when you march through Morgrave with him over your shoulder.
559. I will not use the pyromancer's wands to perform a drum solo.
560. I will evenly divvy up the loot from the bad guys. Unless someone is bigger/has a bigger weapon then me.
561. Then he gets everything.
562. The warforged was not built by 'Cyberdyne'.
563. I will not drag race the airship.
564. Especially if I'm drunk.
565. I will not outfit the airship with nitrous.
566. Or 'spinners'.
567. The airship will not time warp at 88 miles per hour, and I should not try to make it do so.
560. If the Captain should say "Make It So" or "Engage" before heading out, or if he should stand up and tug his shirt down with both hands, he shall be punished by being hoist on his own Picard.
569. Davy Jones's Locker is not the closet of a member of the Monkees.
570. Nor is that Davy Jones a pirate.
571. Keith Baker is not a character in Eberron nor would he be a huge sexual dynamo old man wizard.
572. Half-Elves are not to be referred to as the Diet Rum of Elfdom.
573. Nor are they to be called Tanis.
574. Eberron does not have gatling guns, pistols, machine guns, cannons, artillery, or nukes.
575. If it did have Nukes, we would probably go for a much more small-scale weapon in our weapon's runs.
576. Droaam is not a Dungeon.
577. We do not go to Droaam to 'Level Up'.
578. The best response for Droaam is not "Hack n' Slash all night long".
579. We do not start conversations with NPCs with the words "How much EXP are you worth?"
580. Mordain Fleshweaver is not to be asked if he can give you a tattoo.
581. Or give you bigger boobs or other extremities.
582. We'll drop the "official list" at 1001 and keep adding on for fun... again if no one else wants to take it over (I can't update again because I'm webpage illiterate).
583. He cannot make you look like an anime character.
584. You do not look like an anime character already.
585. Mordain Fleshweaver is not to be treated like a plastic surgeon at all.
586. Nor are Daelkyr.
587. Time Machines cannot be built in Eberron.
588. If they could be, they would not be used to go into the future to get energy weapons.
589. Or to go hang out with robots.
590. Or to play Shadowrun.
591. The Shadow Marches are not Mordor.
592. Nor does the Shadow live there next to a volcano you can defeat him by throwing his ring into it.
593. Do not refer to Half-Orcs as Uruk-Hai.
594. Do not refer to Half-Orcs as "It's a damn pity that someone crazzaped on your face... oh that is your face?"
595. House Cannith will not be referred to as Enron.
596. House Deneith will not be referred to as Rent-a-Cop.
597. House Lysander will not be referred to as Delta.
598. House Jorasco will not be referred to as Saint Elsewhere.
599. House Phiarlan and House Thuranni will not be referred to as Dark and Darkerer.
600. House Vol was not the Addam's Family.
602. The Age of Worms will not be a time of great food poisoning.
603. The Ebon Triad is not a black rock band.
604. All Aurala needs is not "a little loving" to decide to give peace a chance.
605. We will NOT refer to the city of Thronehold as "A wretched hive of scum and villainy".
606. Or Sharn.
607. The Prime Minister of Breland will not be referred to as "Senator Palpatine".
608. Or Supreme Chancellor Palpatine.
609. We will not expect him to dissolve the council permanently when Boranal dies.
610. Even if the Rebellion continues to gain support in the Senate.
611. That is not why Merrix is building a laser on the moon... or as he calls it... his "Death Star".
612. This is not Star Wars and the Lord of Blades is not your character's rebuilt father.
613. Nor will the Lord of Blades become the Prime Minister's chief enforcer after he declares himself Emperor.
614. You cannot blow up the Moon of Eberron by firing a fireball into its thermal exhaust port, right above the main port.
615. You cannot build a airskiff that resembles an X-Wing.
616. Jaela will not be pronounced Jaina nor does she have a brother named Jacen.
617. We will not refer to the ship as an abattoir.
618. No matter how many crew have died.
619. Argonessan is not an Epic Level Dungeon.
620. Or an Epic Level Campaign setting.
621. Delayed blast Fireball will not be referred to as the Dragonslave.
622. Your flaming sword is not the Sword of Light.
623. You are not the Slayers or the redheaded small busted female magic user Lina Inverse.
624. No matter how many people you kill.
625. You will not steal Pontiff Jaela's carriage.
626. Nor is it to be referred to as her Popemobile.
627. Pontiff Jaela will not bring about a Cataclysm by challenging the gods, you're just using that as a justification to kidnap her.
628. We do not "parlay" with prisoners.
629. ...especially not for sexual favors.
630. Even if they are hot.
631. There is no such thing as a Pirate's Code.
632. Nor should there be.
633. Even if they are more guidelines.
634. Valenar is not currently being menaced by Ganondorf Dragmire.
635. Nor do they have a Triforce we should assemble.
636. And their Princess is not named Zelda.
637. Xen'drick is an island of mystery and wonders, it is not a place that is the dumping ground for everything that doesn't fit in the rest of the setting.
638. Queen Aurala is not Kate Blanchett.
639. Even if that would make you like her more.
640. The Drow Trilogy of Modules cannot be played by simply substituting Queen Aurala as the secret goddess of the Umbragen.
641. Into the Barrier Peaks will never be played ANYWHERE in Eberron.
642. The module Castle Ravenloft is not how King Kaius became a vampire nor is he after a girl named Tatyana.
643. Just because they are in the Constellations exist does not mean that the Dragon Triad is the same as the gods of Dragonlance or even the Forgotten Realms.
644. The Esoteric Order of Aurreon is not to be referred to as "The Poor Man's Order of High Sorcery".
645. They are not the Masons either.
646. Riedra is not the 'most boringest' place on Eberron.
647. Nor does Walt Disney rule it.
648. The secret ingrediant to making warforged is not PEOPLE.
649. It is wrong to tell warforged this.
650. The Aristocrats is not an example of Aerenal Humor.
651. It is wrong to tell Warforged this.
652. Valenar Warhorses are not fed People either as the secret to producing them.
653. It is wrong to tell Karrnathians this.
654. Dragon's blood is not to be slipped into King Boranal's drink during a state dinner.
655. If the female captive refuses to dine with the Captain, she will not dine with the crew naked.
656. No matter how the crew wants it.
657. If the Forgotten Freedom crashes on an island, we will not have Kate from Lost with us and wacky adventures as we explore the island. We will just most likely starve and or escape.
658. Merrix D'Cannith doesn't have a brother named Doctor Moreau who works with Broken Ones.
659. Khyber is not an Epic Level Dungeon.
670. Nor can we make huge amounts of EXP by just collapsing the rocks on it.
671. Lizardmen are not Voodoo-worshipping Creole.
672. A human sacrifice is not the proper way to appease Kol Korran.
673. Dol Dorn is not "like Dol Arrah" except badass and honorless and a guy.
674. The King's Citadel does not have a secret enemy in SD-6 that is helped against by half-elf Sydney Bristow.
675. Nor can I play this character.
676. It is wrong to tell Warforged that he was built by a Doctor Light and he can gain the abilities of warforged he kills that were constructed by Doctor Wily.
677. Prince Adal is not a transvestite and we will not return him to Queen Aurala in a dress... in public.
678. I/we/you will not use the "213 Things That Skippy Is Not Allowed To Do" as a guideline for annoying others.
679. Exceptions will be made on a case-by-case basis when I will personally find it to be funny.
680. For the last time, NONE of us are Batman.
681. I have not yet decided if it is wrong to tell Warforged this.
683. Nor will we use it to run an express delivery service for a senile researcher in Sharn.
683. The ancient orcish shaman who tells you to leave those ruins alone is not doing that because "he's got something totally sweet stashed in there".
684. You don't get to rough him up, kill him, or otherwise incapacitate him and go look...
684 (a). ...unless and until I see some manner of documented proof of your ability to perform exorcisms and/or banishments. The real kind. No more waving your arms and shouting "ooga booga."
685. Just because the cleric heals you doesnt mean he likes you.
687. All warforged repair kits lack Duct Tape, and are therefore worthless.
688. "I wish [the captain, the first officer, the bad guy, the DM] would shut up" is a waste of a Wish spell, and will get you keel hauled.
689. Halflings are not all named Gollum.
690. Short shifters are not Ewoks.
691. Tall shifters are not Wookiees.
692. Wizards and sorcerers will not cast Polymorph spells with the words "Form of..." or "Shape of..."
693. Sharn is not an airship obstacle course.
694. The Awakend oak tree, Oalian, is not to be referred to as 'Woody'.
695. You are not authorized to sell loggging permits for the Eldeen Reaches.
696. Whether Warforged have souls is irrelevant, stop trying to sell them one.
697. You do not kick ass for the Lord. No, not even the paladin.
698. A Tarrasque on the loose cannot be solved by "Summoning Mothra".
699. Stop handing out religious tracts with explosive runes inside.
700. You sell them, material components don't grow on trees.
703. "Bluevine" is a wine, not a curse.
704. Waking the captain by sloshing water in his face and yelling "We're going down, save yourself!" is not funny.
705. Unless he runs onto deck wearing only his boots and his Wally Warforged pajamas. Then it's hilarious.
706. Warforged do not have ignition keys.
707. An air elemental powered airship is not a 'hybrid'.
708. Don't whiz on lightning coach conductor stones.
709. Don't swap a House Sivis sending stone for an ordinary rock.
710. Krakens don't make good calamari.
711. Rigging the privy lid with a Fire Trap is just wrong.
712. Funny, but wrong.
713. The Sphere of Annihilation is not to be used to play dodgeball.
714. Dont use beads of force to play marbles, either.
715. Mustn't use the airship to write 'SURRENDER DOROTHY' over Sharn.
716. Flamekeep is still fair game, though.
717. Musn't reply to the bad guy's tirade with, "Oh, I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention."
718. And don't ask "Do you want fries with that?" either.
719. The bard is to refrain from singing songs by Celine d'Ion at all times.
720. We mean it.
721. There is no Sarah Connor, so I mustn't send the warforged out to find her.
722. The airship is named Forgotten Freedom, not the Satellite of Love.
723. The Lord of Blades does not drink Mad Dog WD-40.
724. Blood-drinking, evil, undead, soul-stealing horrors are VAMPIRES, not lawyers.
725. 'Ill hit the brakes and he'll fly right by' never works in airship to airship combat, so I should not try it.
726. The captain must not start each trip by shouting "NEXT STOP, XORIAT".
727. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
723. Whoever put the "We brake for no one!" bumper sticker on the back of the ship must step forward.
724. It is wrong to post bounties on law enforcement officials pursuing us.
725. Spreading tales of the "Head of Vecna" to kill competing but stupid adventurers is not a good way to clear the gene pool of deadwood.
726. Law enforcement personnel shall not be referred to as Inspector Zenigata.
727. The first mate is not a title for my concubine.
728. Neither is second mate.
729. Queen Aurala does not own a flying broom.
730. Throneport is not made of emeralds so stop telling the warforged that it is.
731. Inspector Gadget is not a Reforged with countless attachments.
732. It is wrong to try the "Would you believe" joke from Get Smart on villains.
733. It is wrong to spread rumors of Queen Aurala's demise.
734. Then introduce the "Ding Dong" song to the locals to sing.
734. No, it is not conceivably possible to make Queen Aurala hate us more.
735. Or King Kaius.
736. Boranal is still smarting over the duck incident.
737. Poor innocent Jaela has no idea...
738. It is wrong to polymorph dragons into bunnies that keep their hit dice and attack bonuses.
739. Even if you hire a wizard named Tim to warn people off.
740. Do not use Ghosts to age Jaela.
741. It is wrong to break the Manifest Zone with Sharn and the Plane of Air to kill everyone.
742. Especially for the EXP.
743. Oalian does not talk extremely slow nor does he have any draughts that will make you taller.
744. Half-Orcs do not have larger genitalia and it is wrong to tell girls this.
745. Black Mages were not persecuted for centuries because of the color of their magic.
746. It is wrong to try and base a Drow on Malcolm X.
747. Even if he's from Xen'drick.
748. Do not point to the Seven Sisters as an example of how Aurala should behave.
749. Especially if you end the sentence... Slutty and Immortal.
750. The artificer does not have a Quori named Six in his head... or if he does, we're a little surprised she's so attractive.
751. When I said "Queen Aurala does not own a flying broom", that was not implying we should have sent her one. Now whoever did it step forward.
759. I will not write Limericks about the Queen to make amends with her.
760. Especially not on the side of her castle.
761. I will not ask King Kaius to shout out "Vae Victus(sp)" just for kicks.
762. I will not ponder out loud the similarities between him and some noble who was corrupted with vampirism by choice, used, and wanted revenge.
763. I will never, ever, ever again call King Kaius Batman. Especially not in his presence, and especially not while he is in bat form.
764. I will not sell tourists exclusive bridge-building rights between the upper towers and Skyway.
765. Unless the Captain gets at least a 50% share of all proceeds.
766. I will not do a barrel roll.
767. I will not do a barrel roll.
768. I will not do a barrel roll.
769. I will not perform an aerial water drop to put out the temple of the Silver Flame.
770. The Glowing Chasm is not the latest manifestation of the Silver Flame.
771. It is wrong to tell Paladins this.
772. ...but if you can convince a few Cardinals, nobody we know will miss them.
773. There are no tribes of clawfoot-riding Halflings who wear beards, dark goggles and black leather jackets with studs on the back spelling out 'Khyber's Couatls'.
774. The Demon Wastes are not the Ashlands, nor does a Rakshasa Rajah named Dagoth Ur live in the volcano north of Ashtakala.
775. And even if he does, you are not the true Nerevarine.
776. At the lightning rail station, you are not allowed to respond to the House Orien guards with: "Traveling papers? We don't need no stinking traveling papers!"
777. Kundarak Bank is not Gringots.
778. Even if goblins are sometimes employed there.
779. And there is no Diagon Alley in Sharn.
780. When surrounded by Xen'drick drow after stealing their ancient idol, speaking Jovitos will not save your party.
781. Nor can you command said drow to attack your rivals through hissing and sign language.
782. The following character concept is prohibited: A dwarf artificer who became an adventurer after discovering a Myconid Kingdom in Khyber by traveling through the sewer pipes of Sharn."
783. No character can cast fireball after eating a flower, regardless of concept.
784. You cannot stump Merrix d'Cannith by asking him: "What is the riddle of steel?"
785. Telling a warforged the answer to said riddle may cost you your life.
786. You shall not paint Riedran monoliths in bright colors.
787. Even if it is in accordance with your druidic holiday.
789. A warforged repair kit does not contain a hydrospanner.
790. The Mror Monument in the Ironroot Mountains is not the secret base of a worldwide police organization.
791. Psion shapers, went they conjure up an astral construct, DO NOT yell out "Astralmon, I choose you!" nor "I play Astral Warrior in attack mode!"
792. We will not name the secret 'companionship club' we run out of the Silver Flame monastery "Flurry of Blows".
793. When in a bar, yelling "Kill the halflings" will not cause the Orcs to go into a frenzy. Causing a huge bar brawl.
794. It is unwise to try such things when your Paladin speaks Orc.
793. When a Cyran refugee laments the loss of their homeland, I will not slap them and say "The boat sank, get over it."
794. "Mordenkainen's Magnificent Duct Tape of Warforged Repair" does not exist, and I should not sell any more rolls of Duct Tape this way.
795. There is no way a warforged's rear will light up like a lightning bug if they just 'flex the right muscle', and I should stop telling them this.
796. The poop deck IS a deck, but is used for something else.
797. No, you can't invent Phoenix air-to-air missiles.
798. I will not paint the elf black while they sleep.
799. Aereneal elves worship 'deathless' elves, not a 'bunch of old farts'.
800. A warforged's nose will not get longer if they lie, and I should stop telling this to the warforged.
801. There is no artifacer named Geppetto that will make any warforged into a 'real boy'. I shoul stop telling this to the warforged, as well.
802. The Shifter is not named Scooby Doo.
803. Thou shalt not infer that King Kiaus was turned into a vampire by a sentient runeblade Vol sent him as a birthday gift.
804. Therefore, you may not refer to him as "Arthas", nor hint that Vol is simply a gender-confused Lich king.
805. By the same logic, there is no army of undead preparing to cleanse Khorvaire of the living races in preperation for a demonic invasion... and Karrnath wouldn't have anything to do with it, if there was.
806. Under no circumstances are you to free Rajahs if they promise to say "tremble mortals, and despair, Doom has come to this world!" when they get out.
807. Refrain from calling that tribe of Orc barbarians in the Demon Wastes who serve the Rajahs the "Blackrock Clan", "Warsong Clan", or demanding to speak with Grom Hellscream upon capture by said orcs.
808. Thou shalt not join Pontiff Jaela's personal guard in order to get close enough to cast "heightened extended charm person" on her outside of Flamekeep, where her Will save isn't epic.
809. For the last time, you do NOT need a codpiece of holding.
810. The artificer would not build you one, regardless.
811. You shall not retort to the villain's bravado by yelling "How appropriate. You fight like a cow!"
812. Insults need not rhyme when you're an airship pirate.
813. While wit is useful for picking up chicks, skill with a sword is much more useful in a battlefield situation. Knowing the proper response to every insult your opponent makes will not help you win.
814. Nobody falls for "Look! A three-headed monkey!"
815. Under no circumstances will we be looking for the fabled treasure of Big Whoope.
816. Stop asking. I'm serious.
817. There is no Evil Monkey hiding in my foot locker.
818. My name is not Neo.
819. Using a Silence spell on the bad guy during his tirade, while appreciated, is bad form.
820. Robbing the rich and feeding the poor wont get me a 'freebie' from the hot paladin chick.
821. Lighting the camp fire with alchemist's fire and a bottle of hooch is a bad idea.
822. Must refrain from using Ray of Frost on the paladin chick's breastplate just before she takes it off.
823. Unless I have been double-dog dared to do so.
824. Nobody wants to hear my impression of Tira Mirron.
825. Flapping your arms doesn't give you the ability to fly. And I must stop telling the gnomes, halflings, and warforged so.
826. Must not refer to the halfling barbarian as runt, squirt, shorty, or mini-me.
827. Jamming a quill in the warforged's ear and twisting his nose will not sharpen the quill. I must stop telling the wizards this.
828. Must not encourage the group to enter combat from the airship via HALO drop.
829. Gnomes don't bounce.
830. Feline shifters are neither cute nor fuzzy.
831. ...okay, they are. But don't call attention to it.
832. The warforged is not named "HAL".
833. If he is, he does not have a master named "Dave".
834. If he does, and Dave asks him to do something, he can do it perfectly well, thank you very much.
835. No members of Llesh Haruuc's court "have the power."
836. Especially not the power of voodoo.
837. And they definitely don't "remind him of the babe".
838. Aundair does not defend its fortresses through the use of scathing taunts and flung farm animals.
839. No, you may not play a kender.
840. Or a gully dwarf.
841. Or ever say or do anything that has anything to do with Dragonlance. EVER.
842. I must not fill the wizards inkwell with vanishing ink.
843. There is no fourteenth Dragonmark, and I am not its only scion.
844. Warforged do not run on D-cell batteries.
845. King Kaius is not to be referred to as 'that pervy bastard'.
846. Unless he's out of earshot.
847. I do not have the power to call an Inquisition against the Silver Flame.
848. I will not attack the darkness with Magic Missiles.
849. My compass does not point to the Isla de Muerta.
850. I will not paint copper pieces gold and sell them as 'Pre-Galifar coins'.
851. Except to Morgraive University.
852. I will not use the airship to make beer runs.
853. Pizza runs are still okay.
854. But I wanted a BUD LIGHT!
855. I am not to stop on island LV-426 to check out a distress call.
856. I am not to tease the shifter with an inflatable sheep.
857. Unless the shifter is really drunk.
858. The Fury is not 'just a misunderstood person who's really nice and fuzzy once you get to know her'.
859. I am not to Scry the women's shower.
860. Unless I have the captain's approval.
861. And charge the crew 1 gp per head to watch.
862. I will not refer to the blue haired shifter with longstride as "Sonic".
863. Even if that's his name.
864. Nor when he shifts will he be said to be going "Super Sonic".
865. Merrix d'Cannith is not Dr. Robotnik in disguise.
866. Kaius is not Meier Link in disguise.
867. Nor is he "D".
868. Vol is not Carmella.
869. There is no such position in the Church of Silver Flame as Pontifical Bikini Inspector.
870. Nor shall you apply to said position.
871. Nor shall you get Jaela to wear said bikini whether or not you claim to be the inspector.
872. No crew members are too get within 30 feet of Jaela. Not even the females. Or the warforged. But if you are dead and need a raise, then it's okay.
873. Kobolds are not dogs.
874. No, you can't have one.
875. Do not attempt to burn Aurala at the stake.
876. It is wrong to attempt to reconcile with Queen Aurala by polymorphing into her deceased love of her life.
877. And only telling her you're not him the morning after.
878. Even if I did it.
879. Now that we've killed all the crew obsessed with the Pontiff, we're making a fresh new start.
880. There will be no stalking Pontiff Jaela's nearly identical eighteen-year-old paladin sister.
881. I don't care if she's hot as hell...
882. Why not? Because I've got these two pistols and what the captain says, goes!
883. I am not the father of Prince Jurian. Nor should I tell him that I am.
884. The Kalashatyr follow the path of light. Mine does not follow a variant called "The Path of Blow S*** up".
885. There will be no clones made of Jaela's nearly identical older sister in their adolescence.
886. That's it, you're all food for the sharks.
887. Apparent gpologies, the Paladin has explained the Silver Flame glow makes Jaela a target for reverence and love that is entirely nonsexual.
888. Recanting apologies as soon as a crew member referred to her sitting in laps as the closest thing to a lapdance you'll get...
889. There will be no fan art of Queen Aurala as a Sailor Scout.
890. Or a Porn Ear Elf.
891. You cannot "log out" of Eberron when I'm boring you with my rules.
892. Our secret base is not Blood Gulch outpost.
893. We do not have a tank named Sheila.
894. Or a warforged named Lopez.
895. Our enemies are not the Covenant...
896. Or the Red team.
897. No internet fanshows for any of you.
898. Or anime.
899. Or video games.
900. Or RPGs.... wait... never mind that last one.
901. Karrnath does not have a shortage of holy water.
902. Nor should you try to end such a shortage by dumping holy water over the side of your airship onto the royal palace.
903. Repeat after me, "There are other solutions besides fireballs."
904. Do not refer to Orcs, goblins, etc. as happy meals for adventurers.
905. Scrying on the changing rooms of the five nations' royal families is a bad idea. Selling copies of what you saw on a street corner is a suicidal idea.
906. I do not care if they have been raised/resurrected/reincarnated. We do not call the warforged Simmons 2.0.
907. First person to call me Sarge gets keel-hauled.
908. No, we will not rechristen this ship "Foehammer", "Pillar of Autumn" or any other such nonsense.
909. New standing order. The artificer is not allowed anywhere near the warforged while those designs for a KOS-MOS retrofit still exist.
910. No, you may not paint the Forgotten Freedom black with red flames on it.
911. Not even if painting flames on it really does make it go faster.
912. Repeat after me. "I will not try to uproot First Tower with the Forgotten Freedom, some chain, and a rope ever again."
913. Even if it is an eyesore.
914. KP does not mean kitten patrol.
915. It is wrong to tell warforged this.
916. Repeat after me, "I will not taunt airborne dragons."
917. Even if you think you can take them.
918. No, the prophecy does not, in fact, reveal the Colonel's secret recipe.
919. I will not point out discrepancies between what we have been told, and at what age females are typically wed in a quasi-medieval society.
920. If I ever hear the words "Pants", "Bet" and "Jaela" in the same sentence again, I will hand you over to the Church of the Silver Flame myself, bound and gagged, with a note pinned to your shirt proclaiming you a heretic.
921. The airship shall be under no circumstances renamed the "Highwind", nor the "Ragnorok", nor the "Hilde Garde I, II, or III", nor the "Invincible", nor the "Celsius".
922. Nor shall any of the pilots or artificers be named Cid.
923. After we slay whatever it is we are fighting, we shall not have the bard play a lively and triumphant tune while we strike victory poses.
924. Unless I say so.
925. The bound fire elemental is not named "Bomb".
926. His name is Earl.
921. I cannot make a god call to Keith Baker.
922. Especially by calling his house late at night.
923. Even if I'm a girl.
924. The Knights of the Dinner Table are not examples of good roleplaying.
925. Nor are the crew from Nodwick.
926. No, we cannot invite Boranal to join the crew.
927. I cannot make a god call to Keith Baker.
928. Especially by calling his house late at night.
929. Even if I'm a girl.
930. The Knights of the Dinner Table are not examples of good roleplaying.
931. Nor are the crew from Nodwick.
932. No, we cannot invite Boranal to join the crew.
933. Even if he really wants to join.
934. It is wrong to loudly proclaim over megaphones during state Dinner that the Inspired ambassador is a possessing demon.
935. It is also not "a neat trick" to have the Exorcist of the Silver Flame wave his hand over the Inspired and shoot out their soul.
936. The new male sharpclaw shifter cannot have adamantium bonded to his skeleton.
937. He is not allowed to smoke cigars.
938. To say Bub.
939. To start with an implanted ring of regeneration and amnesia...
940. You cannot play Wolverine!
941. It is wrong to use my name and likeness on a label for spiced rum.
942. It is wrong to brew this brand onboard the ship.
943. Especially during work hours.
944. The Dragon Prophecy's Ultimate Purpose is not to find the Secret of Life, the Universe, and Everything.
945. Nor is the answer 42.
946. Buildings in Eberron do not miss the number 13 because everything else seems to lack it.
947. It is wrong to hide gelatinous cubes in the John.
948. It is also wrong to have it automatically flush over Fairhaven.
949. Do not serve Longstride Shifters roast rabbit.
950. Do not refer to as the Demon Wastes as "The Rakshasas' Litterbox".
951. Queen Aurala's brother is not the Wizard of Oz.
952. The Twelve are not a Band.
953. It is wrong to say that they are less exclusive than the Circle of Eight.
954. If we find a phone booth that times travels... in this unlikely event.
955. We will not kidnap celebrities of the past for a book report.
956. Or refer to any of us as "The Doctor".
957. Even the Doctor.
958. King Kaius does not run a series of vampire nightclubs.
959. King Kaius's first vampire creation is not named Nicholas Knight.
960. Or Darla.
961. The ship's adventures are not "Just like the adventures of Jerry Seinfield only they involve piracy".
962. These rules are not optional.
963. They are not suggestions.
964. Destroying the List does not negate them.
965. You cannot take them to the Supreme Court.
966. Pleading insanity does not render you unable to follow them.
967. You do not have a medical condition that requires you to hug Jaela.
968. Or torment Queen Aurala.
969. Or steal from Kaius.
970. Or take insulin.
971. Er... sorry, Jerry. I didn't realize you were a diabetic.
972. It is wrong to set us up the bomb.
973. The ghost of my former second in command does not haunt the ship's computer.
974. Or my tank.
975. There is no dyeing one of our crew's attire pink.
976. Even if Donut IS a little light in the loafers.
977. No, the Silver Flame did not appear to you and command that you be Jaela's Consort.
978. Nor the Sovereign Host.
979. Nor the Dark Six.
980. A silver-haired girl claiming to be your child with her from the future is not proof.
981. Especially if she resembles suspiciously a bard you were seen paying money to the night before.
982. We do need five minutes to charge our secret weapon.
983. We do not fight futilely for several minutes before our 'special attack'.
984. We do not have a Victory Theme.
985. Or a victory pose.
986. It is wrong to tell the warforged this.
987. You may not have a "Chemo-kitty" for your familiar.
988. Even if they do need extra love.
989. You do not have superpowers stemming from your boundless rage.
990. A shovel is not an acceptable substitute for the monk's quarterstaff.
991. The next person who asks the bard to "Play some Freebird" will be answering directly to the musicians' guild.
992. See that sign on the wall? That's right. No Stairway.
993. Dreamlily is not an acceptable substitute for any of the following: Cilantro, Oregano, Basil, Cloves, Garlic, Salt, or Pepper.
994. No, you may not form a lobbyist group for the liberation of elementals.
995. There is no cow level.
996. The helmsman's name is not Maverick.
997. Nor is it Iceman.
998. We do not "rice out" the warforged.
999. Nor the Forgotten Freedom.
1000. When we are at speed, it is not acceptable to shout out "Vtec just kicked in yo!"
1001. Repeat after me, "We do not sell out Captain Jarlot to the authorities."
1002. In Karrnath, Cart does not drive you.
1003. Nor does it in Riedra.
1004. Maybe in the Lord of Blades' realm.
1005. We will not make the warforged give us rickshaw rides.
1006. Guy Fawkes day is not celebrated in Eberron.
1007. Especially not with blowing up Parliament.
1008. DO NOT allow the artificer to fuse a poison gas spell into his finger, then later say "Pull my finger."

1009. Jaela is not your betrothed.
1010. King Kaius is not 'your *****'.
1011. King Boranal does not 'owe you fifty from college'.
1012. The bard is to refrain from singing "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald" as we leave port.
1013. The warforged is not a wind-up toy.
1014. Nor is he named Kryten.
1015. The ship's cat is not a humanoid with a sense of style.
1016. There is no spoon.
1017. There IS a spork.
1018. The Gods don't engange in drinking contests.
1019. There are no leprechauns with pots of gold. I should not tell the greedy rogue this.
1020. They don't have Frosted Lucky Charms, either.
1021. Repeat after me, "I am not a bird, I am not an airship, I am not Superman."
1022. And you still aren't Batman.
1023. You will not polymorph yourself into a little boy and create a specilized invisibility spell that only Jaela can see though and attempt to be her special friend.
1024. Or make said invisibility spell.
1025. The next person who breaks any rules regarding Jaela will be smeared in food and told to walk the plank over an underwater temple of the Devourer.
1026. Please, refrain from casting random fireballs at sacred druid groves... unless the captain says so.
1027. Any umbragen who is a ranger, has two scimitars, and has a black panther onyx figurine will be shot on sight.
1028. Clerics repeat after me "Undying are not to be turned."
1029. To the Dark Side of the Force.
1030. Japanese.
1031. You do not really think so. You do not really think so.
1032. Gay.
1033. We will not offer to become Privateers for Kaius if he makes us an undead crew.
1034. Commander Adama could not do a better job than me.
1035. The Lord of Blades is not Doctor Doom.
1036. Nor am I.
1037. Cosmic Radiation will kill us, not give us superpowers.
1038. If the human race is largely destroyed by warforged, we will not flee with a ragtag military fleet to the mythical continent of Riedra.
1039. Or Earth.
1040. Warforged are not part of a secret group called "SkyNet".
1041 Putting springs on my Boots of Striding and Springing does not make me spring twice.
1042. A Darkskull is not a good wedding present.
1043. Or a good anniversary present, for that matter.
1044. Skeksis do not come from Khyber.
1045. Jaela does not want a piece of candy.
1046. Potions of Love are not to be used indiscriminantly.
1047. For instance, at a State banquet.
1048. The captain of the Sharn Watch is not 'a jackbooted thug', and I should not try to convince others of this.
1049. I must not place bets on the effects of a Rod of Wonder.
1050. An Immovable Rod is not the ship's emergency brake.
1051. I must not cast Alarm on the ship's latrine.
1052. I must not cast Magic Mouth to say "WHEW!! What did you EAT?" when someone uses the latrine, either.
1053. I must not replace the cleric's holy water with scotch.
1054. Or vodka, either.
1055. Undead can't get drunk.
1056. The cleric is not a 'sawbones'.
1057. The bard's songs are the greatest things I have ever heard.
1058 Unless she is not around to hear me.
1059 Then they are the tortured squawks of dying harpies.
1060 King Kaius does not belong to the Camarilla.
1061 Nor does he belong to the Sabbat.
1062. The elemental ring around the airship does not 'pull-start'.
1063. The artificer will not build a 'holodeck'. Did any of you actually -watch- Star Trek? Do you not know what happens?
1064. The artificer will not build a wonderous item with unlimited uses of detect secret doors, detect traps, and silence so as not to have to pay the rogue a share of treasure for his services.
1065. The captain will not address the airship's "AI".
1066. Especially with the command "main screen turn on".
1067. No officer shall report that anyone has "set us up the bomb".
1068. Even if they have.
1069. You will not refer to the Lhazaar Principalities as "evil Canada".
1070. In all seriousness, you will not do a barrel roll.
1071. The barbarian will not refer to his rage as a 'limit break'.
1072. We do not waste a wish spell on wishing for theme music.
1073. Especially not the Final Fantasy victory theme.
1074. Or the Batman theme.
1075. Because (say it with me..!) you are not Batman.
1076. Even if you have levels in artificer, rogue, and the Master Inquisitive PrC.
1077. The artificer will not craft a "batarang".
1078. Nobody may call 'dibs' on NPC commoner's EXP values.
1079. Nor on Jaela.
1080. Even if you use an action point.
1063. Your character may not control the mists of the Mournland (adopted from our Ravenloft campaign).
1064. Not every ridge is a good place to throw the anchor.
1065. Especially not the spires of Sharn.
1066. The Glass Plateau is not a good place for ice skating.
1067. Whenever you succeed a spot check, thou shalt not announce this by say "Listen! I smell something."
1068. You do not have to ask "Anybody at home, MacFly" whenever you cast a knock spell.
1069. Nor is the formula "Knock, knock, Neo!"
1070. When your female char wakes up besides a handsome guy with a smile on her face, it is not funny to say "Why, oh, why didn't I take the blue pill?"
1071. Even though their facial expressions may be poor, warforged are not constantly stoned. Thus though shalt not name them "Stoners".
1072. Your warforged does not have to say "I'll be back" every time it leaves.
1073. When you're being asked whether you're a god, you say "Yes!"
1074. Deathless do not particulary enjoy Alphaville in general or "Forever Young" in particular.
1075. The next bard who wants to play eighties music will be thrown overboard. Without harp.
1076. You shall not call the ship's personality HAL nor remove its memory banks.
1077. Remember that the ship's personality may read lips.
1078. Giant crystal balls of *beep*, drugs and rock n' roll do not exist.
1079. Kaius will not lend you his harem.
1080. Warforged does not have anything to do with Warhol. Thou shalt not name your warforged Andy Warhol.
1081. Nor have pop-art airbrushes.
1082. The default way to use the ship in the dock is walk over the plank. Not to swing at a cord from the main mast and scream "Geronimooooooo!"
1083. The warforged or any other character who weighs more than 1000 pounds while not having particular large feet should not go first in the swamp.
1084. Thou shalt not call your goblin servant Toby.
1085. Trying to talk ghosts in the Mournland into being nihilists and dissolve is not an approved tactic.
1086. Not every level of Sharn below the one you are currently at is automatically a garbage dump.
1087. Brilliant energy longswords are not lightsabers.
1088. Thou shalt not quote the monologue of Lady Macbeth in Queen Aurala's presence.
1089: No, the Artificer cannot build a lightsaber.
1090: Nor can he make the ship make point five past lightspeed.
1091: The Elemental Ring is not a garbage disposal.
1092: Or a cigarette lighter.
1093: The Warforged is not allowed to "light up" a Noxious Smokestick.
1094: It is not time to buzz the tower.
1095: You may not annoy the elemental by firing Rays of Frost at the Ring.
1096: You cannot make the Kessel run in less than 12 parsecs.
1097. You still aren't Batman.
1098. Walking up a flight of stairs does not mean you 'went up a level'.
1099. The Draconic Prophecy is not "Live fast, die young, and leave a good-looking corpse".
1100 - 1199. I cannot count. Do not correct me.
1200. Niether is it "six parts gin to one part vermouth'.
1201. We are not allowed to send messages to the Bad Guy reading "If youre not wearing any underwear, smile."
1202. The warforged will NOT refer to himself in conversation in the third person, nor is he to start a sentence with "Me Grimlock..."
1203. He is not allowed to start a barbarian rage by shouting "HULK SMASH!" either.
1204. Lammania is not the 'forest plain of Endor'.
1205. When repairing the warforged, be sure to attach his legs so he 'won't have to be in this ridiculous position'.
1206. The Cogs are not to be refered to as Slumsville.
1207. Even if they are a slum.
1208. I may not sell the shifter for magic beans.
1209. I may not form chain gangs.
1210. Frostfell is not 'the Great White North'.
1211. I will not ask Karnnathi citizens if they eat Karnnathi Bacon or regular Bacon.
1213. Bug spray does not work on Stirges.
1214. Daelkyr do not need to 'mellow'.
1215. The Lords of Dust are not a drug gang.
1216. An arcane caster from Lhazaar is not a "Wizard of the Coast".
1217. It is wrong to tell the warforged this.
1218. The warforged is not Iron Man.
1219. Nor does he have jetboots.
1220. Nor is the artificer allowed to make such a thing.
1221. Nor is he allowed to make a "Beam Cannon".
1222. For the last time there is no gunpowder in Eberron.
1223. And no, you still aren't Batman.
1224. Stop telling the warforged this as well.
1225. You are not to convert to LG, take levels as a paladin of the Silver Flame, then fall and prestige class into blackguard simply because you think Pontiff Jaela would find a 'bad boy' irresistible.
1226. It is also wrong to suggest this plan to the paladin, or any who are LG anyway.
1227. You shall not refer to the warforged as, 'Your plastic pal who's fun to be with'.
1228. You will not draw a moustache on The Face of Tira.
1229. Nor a pair of glasses.
1230. Nor will you pay someone to do it for you.
1231. Nor enscroll them to do it either.
1232. No one on the crew will ever say, 'What happens in Atur, stays in Atur.'
1233. You will not refer to the Crimson Monastery as, 'The Blood Bank'.
1234. You will not create a Karrnath military structure named any of the following: Fort Spleen, Fort Toenail, Fort Eyelash, Fort Small Intestine, or a fort named after any other part of a body.
1235. You will not put a bumper sticker on the airship that says, 'My alma mater is Rekkenmark Academy'.
1236. Even if it was.
1237. We do not go to the plane of Daanvi before ordering out. The Plane of Perfect Order does not have anything to do with ordering food.
1238. I don't care if Dal Quor is the Region of Dreams, you still aren't allowed anywhere near Jaela, even in that plane.
1239. You shall not refer to the souls existing in Dolurrh as 'Deadheads'.
1240. We do not have to go to Fernia to roast marshmallows.
1241. Nor do we have to summon extra fire elementals just for that purpose. Use the ring around the airship like everybody else.
1242. You shall not open a portal to Irian just to get a tan.
1243. The Faerie Court does not mean what you think it does.
1244. You are not to arrange for Pontiff Jaela to travel to Thelanis for 312 days, simply so she'll be 18 years old when she comes back.
1245. Nor 676 days, so she'll be 25.
1246. In fact, you're not allowed near her at all. Get over this obsession.
1247. You are not to do evil things then say, "But I was possessed. A demon made me do it."
1248. Unless that is the truth.
1249. In which case we'll have a Exorcist of the Silver Flame exorcize you.
1250. I said an Exorcist! Pontiff Jaela doesn't have any levels in that class, so don't bother getting yourself possessed.
1251. The artificer infusion 'Suppress Requirement' does not suppress Thanish age of consent laws.
1252. The spell is 'Feast of Champions'. not 'Breakfast of Champions'.
1253. There is no official skill called 'sexual prowess'.
1254. Thus, the artificer can not create a 'skill enhancement' item to improve your roll on said skill.
1255. You will not take control of any of the Towers of Arcanix and dunk them in Lake Galifar.
1256. Or any other bodies of water.
1257. No one shall alter the maps. It's name is Lake Dark, not Lake Darkwing Duck.
1258. We do not throw nets over the side of the airship, drag them along the ground, pull them up and refer to anything inside as 'the catch of the day'.
1259. You will not refer to a group made up of House Vadalis, House Ghallanda, and House Cannith as 'the butcher, the baker, and the candlestick maker'.
1260. A Prospector's Rod is a magic item for finding minerals in the ground. It is not a euphemism for a part of the half-orc's body.
1261. An Essence of the Scout component for warforged does not require, literally, 'the essence of the scout'.
1262. It is wrong to tell the warforged this.
1263. Zakya Rakshasas are not to be referred to as 'T-I-Double-grrr-E-R'.
1264. You will not learn the spell clone, simply in the hopes of finding a lock of Pontiff Jaela's hair somewhere. According to the spell description that won't work, and besides, that's just sick.
1265. There will be no cloning Jaela to 18 years old so there's enough for everyone.
1266. Jaela's mother is not a MILF.
1267. Nor is Queen Aurala.
1268. King Boranal's eldest daughter is not to be referred to as "my ticket to monarchial goodness".
1269. King Boranal's younger daughter is not to be referred to as "my backup plan to monarchial goodness".
1270. King Boranal romance with his wife is to not to described with the song from the Brady Bunch nor are they to be referred to as the "Borry Bunch".
1271. We are not going to paint the warship orange with a big Cyrean flag on the bottom.
1272. It is not the General Lee.
1273. We are not a bunch of "Good ol' Boys".
1274. Nor do we give "Rebel Yells".
1275. Marish the Catgirl can wear Daisy Dukes.
1276. Queen Aurala's slightly overweight brother is not to be referred to as "Boss Hog".
1277. It is impossible to make an airship go fast enough to make leaps across ravines without using the flying mechanism.
1278. Nor will we use it stop in midair to make narrations.
1279. Even if we put wheels on it.
1280 The airship does not contain a 'flux capacitor".
1281 It is not powered by 'Mr. Fusion'.
1282 It cannot reach 88 miles per hour, not even in a dive, so we're not going to try, so stop asking already.
1283 It is not produced by d'Lorien (or even L. d'Orien. Scary coincidence, eh?) and it is not made of stainless steel, whatever that is.
1284. Ducks are not Air to Air missiles.
1285. Chickens and cows are not to be used as ammunition during airship bombing runs.
1286) Signing Marish the Catgirl up to be the pontiff's holy playmate is strongly discouraged (yes, even is you offer to scry them for the whole crew while 'at play').
1287) No one may refer to the warforged as "paranoid androids".
1288) When we are repelling borders, demanding that they "go away or you shall taunt them a second time" is a waste of valuable resources. Stop it.
1289) Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES are the Deathless to be referred to as "Bubba Ho-teps".
1290) No feat from the Book of Erotic Fantasy works on Jaela. Get over it.
1291) "Eat my shorts" is not a proper response to the villain's monologue.
1292) Where the Cleansing is concerned, shifters are not to be encouraged to "get over it".
1293) Anyone caught "doing the robot" with the warforged had better be dancing.
1294) No one may start a religion that worships twinkies.
1295) Even though they are filled with wholesome goodness.
1296) And are, in fact, the most awesomest snack food ever invented.
1297) No, your character cannot devolop a tolerance for dreamlily.
1298) Whomever has been betting the title to the ship on the kobold races had better stop it.
1299) I don't care how many times you've won.
1300) Just because the shifter hasn't bathed today, you may not refer to him as "Pigpen" or "the Lord of the Flies".
1301) Stop encouraging the changeling to "look like Jaela" for you.
1302) Stop feeding books to the shifters (it doesn't matter that they don't know the difference).
1303) "Dee-dee-dee" is not a proper response to anything.
1304) When a party member dies, no one may exclaim, "OMG, you killed Kenny! You s!"
1305) And Mr. Hanky does NOT live in the Cogs.
1306. The warforged do not have smell resistance
1307. It is wrong to tell them so.
1308. If for any reason you meddle in the affairs of the Chamber, I will personally tie you up and hand them a bottle of ketchup.
1309. The Lord of Blades CAN chew nails and spit coins.
1310. You can't.
1311. The Mournlands is not to be referred to as "The Deadlands".
1312. The group sorcerer is not a 'huckster'.
1313. You may not Wish Jaela to be 18 years old.
1314. So stop trying to bribe every wizard to cast the spell.
1315. The airship does not have a CD player.
1316. Hell, it doesn't even have an 8-track player.
1317. The shifter will not be referred to as 'Morris'.
1318. Even if he does tend to hum the damned 'Meow Mix' song.
1319. We are not Greyhound and do not drive you anywhere for 69 gp.
1320. For the love of the Host, DON'T leave the driving to us.
1321. You are not allowed to try to skip the gnome across Lake Mirror.
1322. You are not allowed to bullfight a Gorgon.
1323. Not even if Jaela promises 'a kiss to the winner'.
1324. When the bad guy is done with his tirade, do NOT ask "You and whose army?"
1325. For he will show you whose army.
1326. Never ask the bad guy if he has ever had an evilgasm.
1327. Never ask the evil woman "Do you douche?"
1328. The first person to say 'TGIF' DIES!!!!
1330. You will not sacrifice minions to solve a problem.
1131. You will not befriend the Elemental and call him Kitt.
1132. The fire ring cannot be made to look like a blinking light in a triangle in front of the ship.
1133. David Hasselhoff has not been cool for two decades...
1134. If ever.
1135. You will not have the Wolf Shifter magician helmsman cast cantrips on the ship to make "Airwolf" noises.
1136. We cannot rebuild your character...
1137. We do not have the technology.
1138. Stop trying to make unholy experimentations of grafting warforged parts.
1139. To answer the question definitively, NO you cannot harvest mithril or adamantine from dead warforged! It's like graverobbing!
1140. The fact that graverobbing doesn't deter you should not encourage you!
1141. Would you cut off the fingers of someone turned into gold by polymorph?
1142. Yes is not a good answer.
1143. NO, YOU CAN'T TRY IT!
1144. You cannot get a dragonmark through skin grafts. So stop trying.
1145. What the hell is wrong with your cleric!?
1146. No, you cannot breed hippogriffons.
1147. Or give THEM warforged grafts.
1148. You shall not attempt to become Thranish privateers to get on Jaela's good side.
1148. The Devourer is not the All-Powerful Sarlacc.
1149. There are no Tusken Raiders in Valenar.
1150. Just because elves have pointy ears does not mean they 'know this guy named Spock'.
1151. We dont have phasers or photon torpedoes on the airship.
1152. We don't even have a cuisinart.
1153. Unless you count the warforged with the Whirlwind feat.
1154. It's pretty Bitc#in to see.
1155. No, he can't demonstrate it right now.
1156. You are not allowed to make a film of the Sharn Watch in action and call it "Troops".
1157. Nor can you call it "COPS".
1158. And there is no show called "Aundair's Most Wanted".
1159. And you may not make one.
1160. Khorvaire's Wildest Watch Chases is okay.
1161. 'Knock yourself out' is NOT a literal phrase or a legal order.
1162. So stop telling it to the warforged.
1163. YOU STILL AREN'T BATMAN!! GIVE IT UP, ALREADY!!!
1164. Sneaking into the women's showers does not qualify you as an Extreme Explorer.
1165. Ship's Log entries are not to be made in L33t 5p33k.
1166. Anyone caught doing so will be keel-hauled.
1167. Twice.
1168. You will not gloat ever a kill by saying "I PWNED HIM!!"
1169. See rules number 1166 and 1167 about this one.
1170. Wizards are not to use their Teleport spells to telefrag someone.
1171. See rule number 1169 about this one.
1172. The Shifters must clean their own hair out of the shower drains.
1173. You are not allowed to tell rookies that it's their job.
1174. Especially the hot ones.
1175. Going out with a Salamander is not a 'hot date'.
1176. Even though it will be a hot date.
1177. The snake-charming trick doesnt work on Yuan-ti.
1178. Stop telling the bard this.
1179. The artificer is not 'Mr. Goodwrench'.
1180. A Wand of Light is not to be refered to as a MagLite. And you cannot use it to 'crack some skulls'.
1181. Casting Grease on the inside of a pail and casting Heat Metal on the pail will not let you deep fry anything.
1182. You may not bungee jump from the ship.
1183. We are not on a five-year mission.
1384. There is no such thing as "Phoenix Down".
1385. If there were such a thing, it could not be used to "one-shot" Kaius.
1386. Or Vol.
1387. Or Moranna.
1388. Or any other undead.
1389. Telling the warforged this may get you keel-hauled or simply "Volunteered" into the Karrnathi Army.
1390. And no, I have no idea what effect said imaginary "down" would have on Deathless.
1391. You may not test it out on them.
1392. Even if the artificer can somehow make it.
1393. If he does, you two will walk the plank over The Lair of the Keeper.
1394. The Lair is not to be referred to as the "Souls R' Us".
1385. You shall not invite a priest of "Keith Baker" onto the ship. I dont care if his domain power makes our daring exploits easier.
1386. You will not infer that said Keith Baker is the lord above the progenitor dragons, especially with the fact the prophecy constantly references a baker's dozen.
1387. Due to the ship being nearly destroyed by the Thrannish Inquisition, all crew members are banned from changeling brothels.
1388. Especially the warforged.
1389. Do not ever ask me to explain the why behind the last two.
1390. If you do, I will hereby remove you from the ship. Over Xen'drick.
1391. You are not Batman! And Jaela is DEFINITLY not Batgirl OR Catwoman.
1392. Nor is she Birdgirl.
1393. No, you may not have a living fireball as a familiar. Especially not on my ship!
1394. Daelkyr do not look human "to save on the SFX".
1395. Smashing a vase of flowers over their head is not a good tactic.
1396. Imbuing artificer tools with sonic energy does not help them repair things.
1397. Especially the screwdrivers.
1398. Creatures from Xoriat look like terrifying monsters from a world of insanity, not men in dodgy rubber suits.
1399. Nor do they walk menacingly towards us so painfully slowly that you can get away at a brisk pace.
1400. The warforged cannot purchase a "stomach of holding".
1401. Don't go near freaky-looking kids in the Mournlands.
1402. Don't go near normal-looking kids in the Mournlands.
1403. Especially ones asking if we've seen their mummy.
1404. Or ones with hair covering the front of their face.
1405. Don't go near old folks in the Mournlands.
1406. Don't go near solitary corpses in the Mournlands.
1407. Look, just don't go into the Mournlands.
1408. The warforged's animal companion is not a construct dog called K9.
1409. Success is not measured in Vol-au-vents.
1410. Even if the ambassador's party covers our food need for months.
1411. There is a limit to how much weight the cleric can carry.
1412. Ancient temples exceed this limit.
1413. Especially if they were built by giants.
1414. People in Sharn do not "just pee off the walkways".
1415. This is not an explanation of why it's always raining there.
1416. No warforged bard or aristocrat is allowed to be "fluent in more than six forms of communication".
1417. You are not to plunge an airship filled with explosive powder with a +5 holy lance as its prow at full throttle into anything, ever.
1418. Especially not King Kaius's royal suite.
1419. Even if he is a Nazi.
1420. No matter how much the big scary lizard men insist it is honorable for a great warrior, you will not eat the cooked body of the dead Shifter Silver Flame cleric after his death in a massive battle over land in Xen'drick.
1421. Even if your drunken captain threatens to make you walk the plank if you don't.
1422 Just because the Wizard wears a pointy hat does not mean he "knows this dude named Gandalf".
1423 Or Belgarath.
1424 Or Rincewind.
1425 Especially not Elminster.
1426. The Warforged is not to flail his arms and shout "Danger! Danger!"
1427. Even if there is danger.
1428. When we meet the cleric of the Silver Flame, leave the pea soup on the ship. And stop hissing and cowering when you see his holy symbol.
1429. It is never a good idea to throw your employer off a mountain.
1430. Even if the job was more difficult than anticipated and kills many friends/co-adventurers.
1431. Wilting celery is not an indication you are in a hazardous environment.
1432. Okay, maybe it is, non-wilting celery does not mean the atmosphere is safe though.
1433 The warforged may disregard the last two items.
1434. Dragon hearts are not crystalline.
1435. They are not required to power warforged titans.
1436. Anyone even thinking about trying to prove or disprove this will be keelhauled.
1437. Warforged titans are not battery powered.
1438. Warforged titans can fight for more than five minutes.
1439. Warforged titans are neither sentient nor piloted. They are only slightly smarter than golems.
1440. Anyone disturbing warforged titans will be left behind.
1441. The mark on the warforged brow cannot be removed.
1442. Even if it could it would not destroy it.
1443. So stop threatening it with an erase spell.
1444. Repeat after me. No one on this ship is Batman, not even the glidewing shifter.
1445. Just because the dragons of Eberron are not normal big treasure holding monsters does not mean they won't eat you if you annoy them.
1446. You are not a "Caped Crusader" even if you happen to Crusade and wear a cape.
1447. It is not a utility belt if you happen to carry a bunch of gadgets that are useful around your waist.
1448. You are not the "Dark Knight" even if you happen to wear black armor.
1449. Giving the King's Citadel a Continual light spell before an image of the Ship is neither cool nor advisable. Even if it does make an interesting signal for our help.
1450. A lightning couch spraypainted black and armed with weapons is not the Batmobile.
1451. It is not funny or interesting if all of you had your parents gunned down in a filthy alley before your eyes to inspire this quest.
1452. Kidnapping street orphans to train as sidekicks will likely get them killed.
1453. It is a BOOM-erang.
1454. Sharn's nickname is not "Gotham", even if it does have Gothic architecture.
1455. It is neither nifty nor fun to build your mansion over a cave to hide your vast array of tricks and crime laboratories.
1456. Marish is not to be referred to as Catwoman, even if she is a shifter thief.
1457. Queen Aurala's portly brother is NOT the Penguin.
1458. King Kaius may have a hot and sexy daughter and be out to purge the world but he is not Rais Al Ghul.
1459. You cannot name the warforged Alfred and make him your butler.
1460. It is wrong even if the warforged agrees.
1461. King Boranal's brother who runs the Citadel is not "Commissioner Gordon".
1462. Even if his daughter is a redhead and fights crime with us.
1463. Making the sails like Batwings and painting the ship black does not make it the Batplane.
1464. Frank Miller will not do the comic adaptation of our lives.
1465. Sadly Keith Griffen will.
1466. Locking up all of our crazy villains in an asylum we pay for and name Gotham STILL doesn't make you Batman.
1467. Dressing up in a costume to attack muggers on rooftops randomly will not be the setup for them saying "What are you..."
1468. No matter how many times you try it.
1469. Do not encourage the wizard to cast illusions of balloons that say "Bomph", "Bamph", "SLAM" with every hit you make.
1470. We will not get a dimensional portal to kill Joel Schumacher for ruining the story.
1471. Scratch 1470, I'm willing to give you some leeway in this one.
1472. Making riddles in the sky with the airship so we can pretend the villain left them is stupid, not adding mystique.
1473. The Chain of Command is a system of determining authority, not the chain you use to beat your unwilling subordinates until they realise who's in ruttin' command.
1426. No, the artifacer cannot imbue your toothbrush with 'sonicare' energy.
1427. The Hymn to Onatar is not "Amazing Wrench".
1428. Nor is it "Hammer time".
1429. Singing or dancing to either tune will get you flogged.
1430. Especially dancing to either tune.
1431. The proper way to ask for healing is not "YO, cleric! Beer me!"
1432. Khyber does not take the form of David Bowie.
1433. All of Eberron would unite to slay him if he did.
1434. Knowing all the cold-based spells in existance does NOT make you Mr. Freeze.
1435. YOU ARE STILL NOT BATMAN!!
1436. You also weigh a little more than 108.
1437. The Mockery is not also known as 'Joker'.
1438. You are not allowed to stack a Deck of Many Things.
1439. The warforged is NOT to be lubed with molasses.
1440. Even if it does make him move faster.
1441. Having parts left over when you fix the warforged is probably a bad thing.
1442. The airship does not have afterburners.
1443. You are not allowed to air-bomb the Eldeen Reaches with catnip to "chill out the shifters".
1444. Maximized, Heightened, Empowered Rays of Frost are just plain stupid.
1446. New crew members are not nOObs.
1447. The paladin chick will not 'loosen up after a few beers'.
1448. The bard is not a member in good standing of the Fraternity Tappa Kegga Brew.
1449. So stop asking him to tappa kegga brew.
1450. We don't have a wine cellar.
1451. We don't have a 5-star galley, either.
1473. The Mror Holds is not the location of the Mines of Mroria.
1474. Orcs and goblins are two separate critters.
1475. But they are not as pathetic as Kobolds.
1476. It's pronounced 'Eye-gore'.
1477. It isn't Frooderick Frankunsteen. Its Frederick.
1478. Nazareth's "Hair of the dog" is not your theme song.
1479. Unless you are the Lord of Blades.
1480. Despite what you may have heard, 42 IS the Ultimate Answer.
1481. The captain's brain does not run on citrus fruit.
1482. Despite what you may have heard, the name of the ship's crew is not 'Certain Death'.
1483. Spam isnt a weapon of mass destruction.
1484. I should not tell the warforged this.
1485. Your seat cushion does not double as a flotation device.
1486. Neither does the gnome.
1498. I don't care how old yer halfling is, he isn't wearing depends of holding!
1499. And no, the artificer can't make him any!
1500. And no one at any time, anywhere, drink the warm, frothy, beer on the table in front of said halfling... it's not beer!
1501. Never put the 120-year-old halfling on guard duty!
1502. Especially by himself or with a cranky barbarian!
1503. Re: 1486. It is wrong to tell warforged otherwise.
1503. We will not make Metal Gear units to take over the world.
1504. My name is not Snake Eater.
1505. Solid Snake is not a reference to my genitalia.
1506. Nor can I pretend it is.
1507. We will not boast that we have a 90% mortality rate.
1508. Not even to necromancers.
1509. We will not sell the dead to necromancers.
1510. Especially not King Kaius.
1511. The artificer does not need to use empty beer cans to repair the warforged.
1512. We told you to do that BEFORE we left.
1513. No, we will not get fly-through.
1514. Any members of House Sivis are not to wander around, saying "Can you hear me now? Good."
1515. No, you can not have the last slice of pizza.
1516. Or the last beer, for that matter.
1517. The captain gets those.
1518. Unless it is bitter.
1519. Or weak.
1520. Or made on the plane of radiance.
1521. The Kalashtar Soulknife is not allowed to claim that his silver-colored soulknife is a piece of the Silver Flame.
1522. It is wrong to tell Silver Flame worshipers this.
1523. :censored:
1524. Am I understood?
1525. You are especially to never tell this to Jaela. (Thanks to Lup1n3)
1526. If you do you will be keelhauled by the crew, until my ship gets tired.
1527. Being a ranger on my airship does not make you an Airborne Ranger.
1528. Nor does it mean you can sing cadences all day and night.
1529. The next person who shouts "Oohrah!" on this ship gets tossed over the side.
1530. There is always time for love.
1531. Stop calling me Dr. Jones.
1532. Whaddaya mean there's no pilot?!
1533. It belongs in a museum!
1534. Ah, who am I kidding. Let's divvy up the loot.
1535. No, you cannot steal his pants.
1536. The staff is mine.
1537. New regulation. Phobias are not to be treated by punching the affected in the head.
1538. Ever.
1539. Telling the watch to cast an illusion spell of a bat silhouette over the towers of Sharn does not make you Batman.
1540. Even, and I want to make this absolutely clear, even if they do it.
1541: You are not to tell your stupid, big-ass fighter that there was an order of noble, feared, powerful knights called "The Knights of Suck-ee-Nam-Nam", and make him admire them so much, that he begins wearing their signature outfit consisting of a Napoleon-style yellow hat, purple silk tabard, gigantic light-green puff-pants and knee-high blue leather boots.
1542: Even if there was such an order of (obviously colorblind) knights.
1543. Crew members are to refrain from sticking a note to the Captain's back reading "Kiss my big fiery ring"...
1544. Especially the morning after Ship's Chili Night.
1545. Crew are to cease petitioning the Captain to rename the ship the Enola Gay just because the Wizard can now cast Meteor Swarm.
1546. No, we won't be mounting an expedition into the Keeper's lair to "liberate" his horse Binky.
1543. You will not sell "Pontiff porn".
1544. ...unless it makes a really good profit.
1545. You cannot find the Rajahs' location by tracing Darjeeling exports.
1546. Aundarian spies do not say "Lizzen very carefullee I zhall say zis only once".
1547. Even if they will.
1548. The Karrnathi are not looking for the painting of Tira Mirron with the big boobies.
1549. But keep it hidden just in case.
1550. The Emerald Claw leader is not watching multiple illusions of you, and never says "I'll get you next time Forgotten Freedom! Next time!"
1551. You will not start a strip joint called the "Emerald Claw".
1552..You are neither vengeance nor the night.
1553. The wand of summoning nature's ally that summons whales does not make the ship go any faster.
1554. Neither should it be used to "feed those poor starving Talentians".
1555. Jaela does not offer to help turn gay people.
1556. Except undead ones, obviously.
1557. This ship does not have an Improbability Drive.
1558. And you can't dare the artificer to make one.
1559. Despite his claims to the contrary, the ship's captain is not President of the Universe.
1560. The proper way to handle possessed people is not 300 cc's of Thorazine.
1561. No, the pilot isn't drunk.
1562. At least, we hope he isn't drunk.
1563. You may not do a Touch-N-Go landing with the airship.
1564. Stop sending love letters to Jaela marked "Open when you are legal".
1565. You don't have 'first dibs' on her, either.
1566. Thou shalt not use the warforged barbarians +5 Flaming Shocking Burst Vorpal Greatsword of Speed to butter your toast.
1567. It's just not right.
1568. Because it's named the Silver Flame, doesn't mean it came in second.
1569. So stop telling that to Silver Flame worshippers.
1557. Do not tell the Minotaur that he can practice juggling with the halfling.
1558. Or the gnome.
1559. Kobolds are okay, though.
1560. You cannot name you shifter Lion-O.
1561. And you sword is not the Eye of Thundera.
1562. The Artificer will not make you one.
1563. Our origin was not chronicled in "The History of the World Part I" as a counting house that rebelled and killed its managers to sack Wall Street.
1564. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
1565. Flying across the edge of the map will not make us fly into the campaign setting handbook.
1566. Being Sky Pirates is not to be described "A lot like Star Wars except it's not in space and doesn't involve fighting an Empire".
1567. No casting Enlarge on any extremities.
1568. Especially THOSE.
1569. Valenar Druid elven girls are not to be called "Deedlit".
1570. Would-be paladins are not to be called "Parn".
1571. Do not cast enlarge on Elven ears so they look like anime elves. That's the equivalent of porn actresses for them.
1572. We will not try to use magiscience to create flying burning sharks to ride.
1573. Do not use illusions to give our ship motion blur.
1574. Warforged are not to be encouraged to adopt a female personality.
1575. The monk is forbidden from spouting wisdom by simply giving a statement then reversing it.
1576. For example. "For a warforged to become a human, he must first be human that becomes a warforged."
1577. "For the deck to be swabbed, the swabbed must be the deck."
1578. I do not appreciate one day just randomly waking up and the Boat has adopted a 70's Disco theme.
1579. You may not hang a mini disco ball in the control room.
1580. Fuzzy dice are okay.
1581. Do not ask the female shifter barbarian if she's 'put on a little weight'.
1582. We are not a bus, and we will not be back in 20 minutes.
1583. Our ship does not have the outline of a... Winnebago.
1584. Look, I already said no to the codpiece of holding. Unless you want a jockstrap of devouring instead, drop it.
1585. No, you can't have one for practical jokes! That was a threat, dammit!
1586. Boasting about the size of your ECL is not a good way to get chicks.
1589. I will not dress up as Santa to get Jaela to sit in my lap.
1590. Or in general.
1591. We will not head to the North Pole to find a lost tribe of Elves enslaved to an immortal druid.
1592. We need the huge amounts of coal he leaves us every year to power the ship.
1593. The warforged cannot crush coal into diamonds.
1594. No, the warforged cannot be given a cape of flying.
1595. Painting him blue and red does not make him anymore "Super".
1596. It is wrong to tell him that regular Dragonshards weaken him, Siberys dragonshards remove his powers entirely, and Khyber Shards turn him evil.
1597. He is NOT the last survivor of a race of warforged from another planet!
1598. That Jaela has a 21 Charisma is not an excuse for all this.
1599. Queen Aurala's brother is not to be called "Fatty McGaylord".
1600. It's insulting to homosexuals to be compared with the tubby Lord chancellor, that's why.
1601. Is not a Neil Gaiman comic.
1602. Is a very bad parody of a Neil Gaiman comic.
1603. When we kidnap Queen Aurala, we will not sell her for "magic beans".
1604. The national sport of Aundair is not Quidditch.
1605. The Arcane Congress is not a democratically elected form of government.
1606. I will not run for it.
1607. Not even on the platform of less work for more money.
1608. I am not a Number.
1609. Leaving the ship will not be accompanied by the monologue "I will not make any deals with you. I've resigned. I will not be pushed, filed, stamped, indexed, briefed, debriefed or numbered. My life is my own. I resign."
1610. Do not give numbers to new crew members.
1611. We do not Press anyone into service on the ship (usually).
1612. Especially not by gassing them and giving this speech when they wake up:
Recruit: "Where am I?"
Pirates: "In the Village."
Recruit: "What do you want?"
Pirates: "Information. We want... information"
1613. You won't get it.
1614. Even if you insist by hook or by crook, you will.
1615. The first mate will not be referred to as "Number Two".
1616. I AM NUMBER ONE! Stop demanding to know who I am!
1617. Queen Aurala is not "Queen Amidala if she grew up to be a real frosty *****."
1618. Painting targets on the ship for the authorities when you're cross about your pay is not appreciated.
1619. The Captain's quarters is not the bathroom.
1620. Nor is the first mate's.
1621. Do not fish for people over the side of the boat.
1622. Even in Aundair.
1623. A black tie dinner doesn't mean you show up naked but for a tie.
1624. We were attending a peace agreement with Aundair, it is counterproductive to smash through the windows on ropes from the ship.
1625. It is counterproductive to do that every time we enter any building whatsoever.
1626. I am the original Captain Jarlot. I have not passed down my title several times to men named Wesley.
1627. It is not true we own property in Xen'drick.
1628. It is wrong to sell it to the warforged.
1629. When attending a ball, it is wrong to impersonate "The King of Asskickia".
1630. Eberron was not built by the Giants of Xen'drick to destroy all life in the galaxy.
1631. Stop telling the Master Chief this.
1632. When we recieve news that the world is in dire peril and may be destroyed, the proper response is to stop it... not "Tell the Twelve and go about our merry way".
1633. A warforged's "grand slam" is not to be followed by an atomic elbow.
1634. Even if the warforged is named "Macho Man".
1633. The Ring of Sibrys shards is not an ancient weapon called Halo.
1634. You cannot set the warforged to 'stun'.
1635. Stop telling the artificer it's possible.
1636. We may not paint bomb markings on the side of the hull.
1637. We cannot paint dragon silhouettes, either.
1638. We are not allowed to 'hit the door like titans'.
1639. Half the time, the door hits back.
1640. We are not martial law.
1641. You may not waterski behind the airship.
1642. You cannot hook up a propeller to a stationary bicycle to make the ship go faster.
1643. Even if you did, it's wrong to tell the warforged it's his job to pedal.
1644. I am not allowed to interrogate prisoners by shouting "WHO DO YOU WORK FOR?!?"
1645. There is no division of the Dark Lanterns known as CTU.
1646. I am not Jack Bauer.
1647. I am not allowed to start each job by stating "The following takes place..."
1648. The privy is not a Planar Gate to Xoriat.
1649. I should not spread that rumor.
1650. There is no saying, "What happens in Xen'drick stays in Xen'drick".
1651. No, you may not start it.
1652. No matter what you did there.
1653. ...ewwww.
1654. The Warforged are not Rock'em Sock'em Robots.
1655. Stop selling tickets to these events.
1656. Trust me, I WILL notice if you replace the entire crew with Muppets.
1657. Except Gonzo the Great, he fits right in.
1658. Animal is not a manifestation of the Devourer.
1659. Scratch that, he might be...
1660. We will not catapult crew members at enemy vessels.
1661. Even if the crew members like it, because it's a small cut, and pirates love being cut.
1662. Tycho and Gabe are not crew.
1663. We are not allowed to use a fire extinguisher to stop the ship.
1664. The Fire Elemental is not to respond in Alan Rickman's voice "Sweet Jesus, did you have to use the whole can?"
1665. We are fairly obviously the culprits of most of our crime spree, trashing the CSI of Sharn will not help us.
1666. Even if you really hate that show.
1667. This boat's crew was not collected from people who thought they were joining the cast of the 'Real World'.
1668. It was collected from volunteers for Jackass.
1669. Turtle Shifters are not to be stomped on.
1670. Nor Mycanoids.
1671. Their leader is not a Dragon named Koopa.
1672. Sharn Halflings who ride dinosaurs and happen to be plumbers are no... oh the hell with it, call 'em Mario if you want.
1673. Torture is not forcing prisoners to watch episodes of the Golden Girls.
1674. We're not that cruel.
1675. Yo Ho! is not to be used to point me to prostitutes.
1676. Especially followed by "Blow the man down".
1677. Sixteen men on a dead man's chest is not instructions.
1678. Long John Silver's name was not dirty.
1679. Nor was Captain Hook's.
1670. Hook and Smee were not gay lovers.
1671. Oh, sorry.... er, I wasn't aware that the two were together.
1672. Hey, I've got nothing against that sort of thing... it just took me by surprise, is all.
1673. A Rakshasa crouching and a Dragon hiding doesn't mean that we can do wuxia moves or find the Green Destiny sword.
1674. Eberron Drow women did not "learn their place".
1675. The Scorpion King of the Drow is not played by the Rock.
1666) We don't brake for dragonhawks- not even the awakened kind.
1667) So stop trying to get those Aundairian bumper stickers that say otherwise.
1668) Technicaly, this Airship doesn't even have a bumper.

1669) And if it did, it would be covered in too much 

squished dragonhawk to see what the stupid stickers you lot keep putting on it say.
1670) You are not to tell Jaela that as she is both the secular and temporal leader of Thrane, she has the power nessesary to declare herself "legal" whenever she sees fit.
1671) Even if it's true.
1672. As air pirates; we rob from water ships, towns, the lightning rail, forts, airships, and storehouses.
1673. We do not copy music and videos then distribute them.
1674. Except if it's a realllllyyyyy awesome movie not out on DVD yet.
1675. Stop getting people to play with Aurala's name.
"She's A rula a alright. A very bad A rule a."
It's childish.
1676. Do not pinch your nose before saying this is a "A Pirate ship".
1677. If you take off Aurala's glasses, she doesn't become a hot sex maniac.
1678. Girls with glasses often are already.
1779. A pair of glasses is NOT sufficient disguise to fool the guard.
1780. Unless it's the Sharn guard, in which case they're idiots.
1781. Do not refer to Queen Aurala's brother as "Jabba".
1782. Or slap a bumper sticker on his back that says "Wide load".
1783. If the airship be a-rockin...
1784. ...the warforged fell down.
1785. We will not moon King Kaius every time we fly by.
1786. Every other time will do.
1787. The warforged can't have a Predator mask.
1788. Even if it would make him look cool.
1789. We must not mistake Zilargo gnomes for end tables.
1790. Q'barra is not the home of good gumbo.
1791. The captain is to be called Bandit One or the Bandit.
1792. The first-mate is to be called Bandit Two or Snowman.
1793. All law enforcment agents are to be referred to as Smokies.
1794. There are two types of Smokies, friendly ones and not-so-friendly ones.
1795. Do not, by any means, behave like Lord Flasheart. If you understand this, you've watched Blackadder before.
1796. Do not make lewd sexual jokes about Pontiff Jaela. That is what Lord Flasheart would do.
1797. "Bah weep grawnab weep ninibaum" and offering them a gp is not the universal greeting.
1798. Although it may work in Darguun.
1799. I will not put waffles into the possessed toaster.
1800. I must not give the gnome artificer coffee.
1801. Or cappucino.
1802. Or espresso.
1803. I am not allowed to mod the warforged with neon lights, spinners, or killer subs.
1804. I am not allowed to install a 'pet door' in the door to the shifter's quarters.
1805. Even if the shifter has a pet.
1806. I must not write the Daughters of Sora Kell for dating advice.
1807. There is no Animal House frat at Morgraive University.
1808. Nor am I allowed to start one.
1809. Toga parties are still okay.
1810. Aquatic dire animals don't make good sushi.
1811. Dire boars dont make good pork chops.
1812. The bacon is okay, though.
1813. Must not ask the cook for MLT... Mutton, lettuce, and tomato.
1814. He did not say "To blave".....
1815. I am not left-handed.
1816. I dont have six fingers on my right hand, either.
1817. Do not sing Lieutenant George's version of Row Row Row Your Boat to Pontiff Jaela. This is Lieutenant George's version of Row Row Row Your Boat. Row, row, row, your boat, gently down the stream, belts off trousers down isn't life a scream.
1818. Don't behave like the Bishop of Bath from Blackadder.
1819. Or like Prince Ludvig the Indestructible.
1820. The warforged is NOT a toy!
1821. The catgirl is NOT a toy!
1822. Jaela is NOT a toy!
1823. Don't tell the artificer about hammerguns.
1824. EVER.
1825. Do not put video cassettes in the warforged. It only takes beta!
1826. To the mages: Fireball should not be your instinctive reaction to everything.
1827. You cannot be a suicidally depressed warforged.
1828. The warforged's name is not Marvin.
1829. Or Gundam.
1830. Or Ropanmatsu.
1831. Or Evangelion.
1832. Don't wish to shoot the DM or the Captain with a hammer.
1821. The warforged is not to be referred to as Metal Gear.
1822. Nor the warforged Titan.
1823. Nor will you add a nuclear missle launcher to it.
1824. NO, you can't have nukes anyway!
1825. Not even if you blow a wish spell.
1826. When finding a famous relic of Cyre, you will not fall on your knees and scream "DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU! You filthy apes!"
1827. You will not tell the warforged that the Day of Mourning was the result of said filthy apes.
1828. You will not cast a sleep spell on a person after telling them you're casting a permanent time stop spell and put on ape costumes to say "Human, explain yourself" when they wake up.
1829. Do not cast multiple enlarge spells to try and make a monkey that will kidnap a girl and climb to the highest tower in Sharn...
1830. Just so you can fire the crossbows on the airship at it.
1831. You will not use real-life actors to represent your characters. Especially not...
1832. Kurt Russell in Escape from New York.
1833. Kurt Russell in Big Trouble in Little China.
1834. Kurt Russell in The Thing.
1835. Kurt Russell in Soldier.
1836. The Kurt Russell lookalike in Metal Gear Solid.
1837. Not even Kurt Russell in Captain Ron because he kinda looks like Snake with the eyepatch.
1838. When your character is old, he won't look like Sean Connery either.
1839. King Boranal is not Sean Connery either... even though it's entirely possible to pay him to appear in our games apparently with some of the movies he's done.
1840. I know you didn't say it but someone had to.
1841. Harrison Ford in ANY OF HIS FILMS before he got so old he started to look like Emperor Palpatine.
1842: Yes, warforged, we eat steak. Yes, warforged, most people are made of meat. No, this does not mean that fallen party members are "emergency rations" or "free protein".
1843: No, warforged, your immunity to fatigue and sleep doesn't mean that you get extra shares of treasure. May I suggest a hobby?
1844: Dressing up in a costume and fighting crime is not a hobby.
1845. House Cannith is not to be referred to as GM.
1846. House Deneith is not to be hired to do my adventures for me.
1847. House Ghallandra is not to be referred to as "Hilton".
1848. Nor its head daughter, Paris Halfling.
1849. House Jorasco does not accept Medicaid as payment.
1850. House Kundarak will not be confused with Gringots.
1851. They will kill you if you mention goblins run that.
1852. House Lyrander is not to be referred to as National Airways.
1853. And we are NOT to be referred to as "Con Air".
1854. Even if we were a bunch of prisoners who acquired this ship by stealing it.
1855. Oh hush, it's the plot of Farscape too.
1856. House Medali did not learn their investigation techniques from Blues' Clues.
1857. Or "Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?"
1858. House Phiarlan will not be suggested to that the best way to replace their lost fortune is with an Emmy program.
1859. Or Reality programming.
1860. The Captain reserves the right to only one Reality TV quote and that is to say "You're Fired" with the Trump point before you're launched out of the cannon.
1861. House Sivis is not Random House.
1862. They are not interested in your life's story.
1863. House Thrashk members will not have you sneak into their mines with a dead canary to shout "OH LORDIE! THE CANARY'S DEAD!" to start a panic.
1864. Unless we're robbing it.
1865. House Thuranni are not ninjas.
1866. Except when they put on nightsuits, carry katanas, and somehow fly.
1867. House Valadis is not to be asked whether you can adopt a Pound Puppy or not whenever you see them.
1868. The Wayfarer is forbidden from carrying a bullwhip or a fedora.
1869. Even if EVERYONE is expected to when they play one.
1870. The Wayfarers are not to be treated as old stuffy Brelish men who talk like they're on the History Channel.
1871. Even if 99.9% of them are.
1872. As an old standby... do not toss the dwarf.
1873. Or the gnomes.
1874. The Halfling will bite your leg off.
1875. No replacing dwarven beard shampoo with Nair.
1876. Elves will not be told to pierce their ears more.
1877. Shifters cannot use their tails like periscopes.
1878. Dog Shifters can talk perfectly normal and not like Scooby Doo.
1879. Any gnome that acts like a tinker gnome will be killed summarily...
1880. No jury in the world would convict me.
1881. Kender and your next three characters will die.
1882. Teleport without error will not be used as a weapon.
1883. (re: #1865 & #1866) Especially not when they totally flip out, play guitar, and fight pirates.
1884. None of you... I repeat, none of you have Real Ultimate Power(tm).
1885. I do.
1886: Our "theme tune" is not "da-na-na-na-na na-na-na-na-na-na Forgottenfreedom!"
1887: Because it doesn't scan, that's why.
1888: The Lord of Blades is not so called for being really good on rollerblades.
1889: The call for a descent is not "Squadron 14: DIVE!!!"
1890: Do not ask us to check the angular velocity of the moon without saying which one.
1891: "Proving you're worth something" doesn't always involve killing a lot of people.
1892: Dodging bullets really isn't that impressive.
1893: Being drunk does not make you safe from falling.
1894: You shall not taunt your party's Warmage by letting the Gnome Sorcerer use his Ghost Sound to make him believe there is a colossal Gorilla behind him.
1895. The Captain's Pop Culturefu shall not be corrected.
1896. You shall NOT attempt to strike up a relationship between the captain and the pontiff.
1897. You shall NOT convince the pontiff to dance in the previous pontiffs robes and pope hat.
1988. Even though it looks incredibly funny.
1989. And she would.
1890. The warforged's battlefists are not "Hulk Hands", and shall not be refered to as such.
1891. Even if we do have a catapult, we do NOT refer to the warforged as "armor-piercing ammunition".
1892. Even if he has an adamantine body.
1893. Neither the captain's Eternal wand of Knock, nor his Eternal wand of Prestidigitation shall be refered to as a "Sonic Screwdriver".
1894. Kalashtar named Lyta Alexander will be shot on sight. With the ballista.
1895. Keelhauling the warforged is forbidden. Any who attempt it must pay for repairs to both warforged, and keel.
1896: When someone yell 'Don't read from the book!' ... don't read from the the gods-damned book.
1897. Even if the book is call "How to age the Speaker of the Silver Flame: the Jaela edition".
1898. Because it is a trap, that's why.
1899. The captain is not now, nor has he ever been a marmoset!
1906. Crew will not hang banners depicting their artistic impressions of how Tira Mirron "merged" with a Couatl over the side of the ship as it approaches Flamekeep.
1907. No matter how graphic it is.
1908. All artistic members of crew will be expected to chip in to repair the multiple-flamestrike damage to the ship's hull following the recent eventful flight through Thrane...
1902. A delayed-blast fireball is not the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch.
1903. Neither is a necklace of fireballs.
1904. There shall be no counting to 3, 5, or 13 when using the above items/spells.
1905. I count 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13. You should too. If necessary, take off your boots when counting.
1906 Never take off your pants when counting, even if you only need one more.
1907. Plan B is not "Twice as many Fireballs as Plan A".
1910. Warforged were not "Forged in the heat of battle".
1911. Due to last year's... misunderstanding... Jaela will not be trick-or-treating at our house this year.
1912. Dont ask what the misunderstanding was.
1913. In Eberron, dragons are not color-coded for your convenience.
1914. We do not have a mini-warforged named R2-D2.
1915. When meeting a noble djinn, wishing for phenomenal cosmic power is not recommended.
1916. You will not use a wish to get Jaela as your girlfriend.
1917. You will not use a wish to get Jaela to join the crew.
1918. I said earlier you can't attempt to get the captain in a relationship with the pontiff, doubly so with a wish.
1919. Asking the female changeling to dress up as Jaela is just WRONG.
1920. Unless it's for Halloween.
1921. You are not allowed to carve the number 3.1415 into a pumpkin for Halloween or Thanksgiving and call it Pumpkin Pi.
1922. You can't tell the warforged to do so, either.
1923. There is no beer in Dolurrh, so we have to drink it here.
1924. The warforged is not allowed to show off by crushing beer kegs against his forehead.
1925. You will not have the wizard cast Geas on Jaela with objective being to bring her anywhere near us.
1926. Or you.
1927. Nor shall you commune with the fiends of Khyber to overthrow the Silver Flame just so you can get them to give you Jaela as spoils.
1928. Getting the Dreaming Dark to brainwash Jaela while she sleeps is also forbidden.
1929. And just plain wrong.
1930. Using an Eldritch Machine to do any of the above will result is a solo visit to the Ring of Siberys.
1931. Said visit shall not be the result of using the machine...
1932. Although if it is a result the scoundrel deserves it.
1933. Rakshasa do not have a springyest tail that gives them a plus to jump checks.
1934. And even if they did, they would still be unable to catch us.
1935. House Thuranni girls do not look like the cast of "Dead or Alive".
1936. House Thuranni are not all monk/rogue/assassins.
1937. They are not Ninjas!
1938. You cannot play a shifter trained by House Thuranni with adamentine claws... because Wolverine is not a ninja.
1939. No, you cannot date a King's Citadel Agent named Irene after slaying a demon as a House Thuranni Ninja as your backstory.
1940. No we cannot be pirate ninjas!
1941. That would be too badass for the space/time continuum.
1942. Pirates do not 'flip out and kill people for no reason'.
1943. We do it for money.
1944. You cannot be a millionaire playboy whose parents were gunned down before studying with House Thuranni... because Batman is not... okay, Batman IS a ninja... at least in Batman Begins.
1945. Is an important day in WWII.
1946. I cannot play an Elemental Sorcerer House Thuranni specializing in Ice.
1947. I cannot play an Elemental Sorcerer House Thuranni that's dead and specializing in fire.
1948. I cannot play a House Thuranni WARFORGED named Cyrax.
1949. Because robots and ninjas don't mix.
1950. After beating someone with monk abilities til they're dazed, I will not shout "FINISH HIM".
1951. After a spectacular kill, I will not say "Flawless Victory".
1952. Or... "Fatality".
1953. I will not say "Friendship" to anyone.
1954. Unless it's the Pontiff, because we need the street cred.
1955. It's wrong to tell Jaela she was created by monks and she's actually the Key.
1956. So we can "hide" her from evil.
1957. There is no plane of Eberron named Outworld.
1957. We are not a water bomber.
1958. We are, however, a beer bomber.
1959. We are not police, and we aren't a charitable institution.
1960. We don't protect or serve.
1961. Except ourselves.
1962. And maybe Jaela.
1963. The warforged is not to show off by crushing gnomes against his forehead, either.
1964. We will not sell shirts that say "Kiss her where it smells, take her to the Cogs".
1965. The Mournland is not a nuclear crater.
1966. Okay, maybe it is.
1967. We must refrain from pointing at the bad guy and telling the wizard 'Fire for effect'.
1968. 'Cause the wizard can't shoot worth a damn.
1969. I am not Batman.
1970. I still am not Batman.
1971. All Gnomes do not have a pot o' gold.
1972. I must not tell the warforged this.
1973. Or the greedy rogue.
1974. I must stop hiding in the paladin chick's room to watch her undress for the night.
1975. Or at the very least, stop shouting "Take it off!"
1976) one the note of 1974: Repeat after the captain- "Bribing powerful wizards to cast improved invisibility on the Paladin chick's full plate is not sanctioned".
1977) The above also applies to any and all articles of the Pontiffical wardrobe.
1978) Exept the Pope hat.
1979) Whoever took those posts about "not stpoping for Dragonhawks" and crossed out the "hawk" bit while the captain was off trying to bargin with the Serens for acess to Argonessan is going to get keelhauled- even if he's a warforged.
1980) To spite any prior decrease pretaining to Keelhauling.
1981. The Warforged will not be used as a figurine for the mast.
1982. Even if she does have a female personality, you will not have blacksmith give the warforged "boobies".
1983. You must not use doilies to reach ULTIMATE COSMIC POWER!!!
1983. Ask Kaius if he "Vants to suck your blud".
1983 Offer him a garlic hoagie.
1984. Must not taunt King Kaius by doing a bad Bela Lugosi impression.
1985. While King Kaius is within earshot.
1986. Must not hand King Kaius a cup, asking "You wanted tomato juice, right?"
1987. Must not ask King Kaius, 'So, talked to Vol recently?'
1988. "Eep oop ork ah ah" does not mean 'I love you.'
1989. I am not allowed to make crop circles.
1990. Especially ones of Tira Mirron and 'the big, bad snake'.
1991. And Im REALLY not allowed to make them just outside of Flamekeep in Thrane.
1992. Kang and Kodos do not work on our ship.
1993. You will not refer to Rhukaan Draal as a "wretched hive of scum and villainy".
1994. Even though it is.
1995. The Mourning did not give anyone an "Atomic Wedgie".
1996. Nor did it give anyone a normal "wedgie".
1997. You shall not call the sunrise before a day of combat, the "Dawn of War".
1998. War has been around far longer than that.
1999. Neither shall you call any form of combat in Frostfell a "Winter Assault".
2000. You shall not challenge Aurala's authority by demanding a recount.
2001. The Thronehold Accords was not written by Arthur C. Clarke
2002. Nor was it written by J. R. R. Tolkien.
2003.The Mourning did not occur because someone hired or employed Homer Simpson.
2004. Mr. Burns is not Vol's long lost relative.
2005. A warforged on a plate cannot use its magnet to escape.
2006. The artificer cannot reverse the polarity of anything.
2007. The Kalashtar telepath is not a "l33t mind h4xx0r".
2008. Dragonshards are not made of chopped-up pieces of dragons.
2009. You will not convince any artificer to take a Vow of Poverty.
2010. The wand of fireballs is not your "boomstick".
2008. Correllary to 2005: Not even if it is the LOBster.
2009. Half-bricks in socks will never, ever, defeat a wizard's staff.
2010. No, you may not have an orangutan as a familiar. No monkeys on this ship.
2011. Correction: No apes on this ship.
2012. I don't care how many points you have in your Craft Reserve. You may not make a car out of scrap metal!
2013. For the matter, you may not make a car out of anything.
2014. I don't care if you are 'the warrior from the sky', you may not have an Oldsmobile as part of your starting equipment.
2015. Same goes for the chainsaw and boomstick.
2016. There is not and never will be a prestige class that requires you to score with Jaela. So stop it.
2017. Any use of the words "Jaela", "Mage hand", "Evard's Black Tentacles" and "Prestigation" in the same sentance will result in keelhauling.
2018. Twice.
2019. You may not ask about the ship's miles per gallon.
2020. You may not ask about the warforged's miles per gallon.
2021. For the love of god, FIREBALL IS NOT A TOY!!!
2022. Nor does the captain like being hit by them!
2023. Stop telling the warforged this!
2024. The Warforged is not to use a Hat of Disguise to appear as a Dwarf, then challenge other Dwarves to a drinking contest.
2025. Or a contest to see who can hold his breath for the longest.
2026. If 2025 is broken, we will not call the oxygen-deprived Dwarf 'Papa Smurf' because his face turned blue.
2027. You need far more than bubble gum and a paper clip to foil Vol's plans.
2028. Do not try and get the Artificer to waste time converting a Warforged Titan to a battle mech.
2029. In the unlikely event that he succeeds you are not to hand that mech over to a angsty Japanese teenager.
2030. In fact, should you find yourself with such a weapon, all teenagers in a ten mile radius should be put to death.
2031. You will stop handing out copies of the Evil Overlord list; the bad guys have enough of an edge as is.
2032. YOU ARE NOT JAELA!
2033. For god sakes stop trying to lure Batman into the airship with promises of candy.
2034. Wait....
2035. Dwarfs in full plate are not the latest in missile technology.
2036. Anyone caught mooning royalty will be left behind to explain themselves.
2037. YES, even if it's Aurala.

[request to original poster: (re)post 2038 through 2044, please.]

2045. We will not go into the Mournland specifically to steal a lot of beer from an abandoned brewery.
2046. You will not sell Cyran Evergold Beer looted from Mournlands.
2047. You will not drink said Mournlands-tainted beer, unless you bought the pretzels.
2048. Drinking it will not give you super powers.
2049. You will not eat Mournland-tainted pretzels.
2050. Gnomes are not to be used as snacks.
2051. Or ammunition.
2052. "We're going to need subtlety" does not mean "Learn some Silent fireballs".
2053. Or "Cut people to ribbons while wearing a hooded cloak".
2054. "Diplomacy" does not involve apologizing while blowing people to smithereens.
2055. Your wings are not like a shield of steel.
2056. So bullets can hurt you.
2057. The Sovereign Host do not appear in person to give messages to their followers, you're fooling no one trying.
2058. Even if they did, they would send more profound messages than "3 Pepperonis, 2 meatfeasts and some cheesy garlic bread".
2059. The shifter with glasses is not Dogbert.
2060. That's okay, you shouldn't have been listening to his business plans either way.
2061. I don't care how cool the sword looks, you do not HAVE THE POWER.
2062. Nor the right to dress in only a fur loincloth.
2063. Nor call us the Masters of the Universe.
2064. Do not play mind games with any Inspired we encounter.
2065. They will win.
2066. Yes, the captain is positive they will. Don't try your luck.
2067. Just because the cleric holds the faith of the Silver Flame as her personal ideal does not mean you need to make her some WWJD (What Would Jaela Do?) bracelets.
2068. You most certainly do NOT need to make her any WILJTD (What I'd Like Jaela To Do) bracelets, EVER.
2069. Nor should you even think of trying to program such protocols into the warforged.
2070. What the - By the Host, do you LIKE being keel-hauled?
2071. You do?... Okay, that explains a lot...
2072. The airship is not perfect for a 'chicken cannon'.
2073. Neither is the warforged.
2074. Even though it would look really cool.
2075. The wizard is not to use index cards for his spells.
2076. I'm not chasing them down when he drops them on a windy day.
2077. Again.
2078. The airship is not 'unleaded fuel only'.
2079. The artificer is not named Red Green.
2080. Nor does he have a 'handyman's corner'.
2081. Using lots of duct tape is still required.
2082. You may not summon a celestial whale and have it appear 200 ft above the Daelkyr's head.
2083. And if you did any damage it did would not be considered good-aligned.
2084. Even though she loses powers if she leaves the Cathedral, you will not refer to Jaela as "The Sorceress of Greyskull".
2085. Nor the "The Sorceress of Flamekeep". or "The Cleric of Greyskull." "The Cleric of Flamekeep" is okay because honestly, that's what she is.
2094. Stop making Jaela's hat fall off with cantrips.
2095. Jaela's hat being smaller than the previous pontiffs is wrong.
2096. There is no such thing as "Saint Mirron's School for Girl Pontiffs".
2097. And it does not have uniforms!
2098. Jaela is not Chiyo-Chan.
2099. We will not rename the ship the "Lolicon Con".
2100. Or add the word "Carney" after that.
2101. We are not the Bat-Airship!
2102. Merrix d'Cannith does not write the "A City with No People" series.
2103. King Kaius was not locked in a coffin and thrown into the ocean for 50 years.
2104. The artificer cannot retain the essence of a warforged.
2105. The artificer cannot retain the essence of an artifact.
2106. The artificer is forbidden from going back through the dungeon we cleared and retaining the essence of all the magic traps.
2107. There are no such things as living skills, living feats, or living action points.
2108. You cannot tie anyone to a conductor stone track.
2109. While it is a good song, the bard is forbidden to sing "November Rain" while in Sharn.
2110. The bard is also forbidden from singing "Welcome to the Jungle" while we are in Xen'drick.
2111. No, there are no 2001-style monoliths in Xen'drick.
2112. The crew is forbidden, under penalty of death, to use the airship to make paintball 'drive-bys'. It's just not right.
2113. The crew is not allowed to send the warforged to "Pimp my 'Forged".
2114. You are not allowed to create a daily pamphlet on what Jaela did that day.
2115. Unless the Captain gets the first copy and half of the profits.
2116 You can play chess with the Warforged as pieces.
2117 Warforged Boxing will continue on Moonday nights.
2118 Do not offer a special scratching post to the catgirl.
2119 No asking for a special prayer from Jaela.
2120 I said no special prayers...
2121 Scrapmetal is not a name for warforged.
2122 Do not ask Jaela to heal the sick...
2123 Or to raise the dead.
2124 Need I remind you of keelhauling?
2125: You WILL buy a squirrel.
2126: Warforged are not required to remove body parts during strip poker.
2127: You may not invite Jaela to take part in strip poker.
2128: You cannot ask King Kaius 'how goes the jihad?'
2129: Even if he is taking part.
2130: The Aurrum are not to be referred to as the Hellfire Club.
2131. House Orien members, when teleporting, don't go 'bamf'.
2132. You may not substitute your own 'bamf' noises.
2133. In the future, there will not be robots.
2134. It is wrong to tell the warforged this.
2135. You may not sell motivational magic mouth spells whose initials spell out drug names.
2136. You may not have the call sign 'Scarecrow'.
2137. Even if your name is Shane Shcofield.
2138. You may not hold money up in front of King Kaius to see if he is a Ravnost.
2139. Or a painting to see if he is a Toreador.
2140. It is quite obvious that he is a Ventrue.
2141. The Silver Flame paladins who took part in the inquisition were not 'agents of the wyrm'.
2142. It is wrong to tell Silver Flame paladins this.
2143. Dog shifters are not named Inuyasha.
2144. You cannot have an older true werewolf brother named Sesshomaru.
2145. Monk/Clerics who have extremely lecherous sides are okay if they are NOT named Miroku.
2146. You cannot be a schoolgirl from Earth.
2147. Or wield a bigass boomerang.
2148. Your paladin's mount is not a giant flying fox.
2149. Strangely no one wants to play Shippou.
2150. Ketler the engineer is hereby forbidden from saying there's a Elemental core breach and one of us has to make a heroic sacrifice against the heat to save us all...
2151. Especially if a warforged can just be sent in...
2152. Or if he caused it deliberately to get rid of the Elf...
2153. Or the Paladin.
2154. Ketler D'cannith is not Scotty, nor should he talk like it.
2155. Ketler is not blind, nor will he wear a magic visor...
2156. Especially if it's to give him X-ray vision.
2157. Ketler is forbidden from attempting to build a hyperdrive for the ship...
2158. Especially from testing it while we're still on it.
2159. Ketler will not build "Evil Death Rays" that can blow up cities.
2160. These Death Rays will not be fired at Fairhaven.
2161. Ketler is forbidden from maniacal laughter.
2162. Ketler is forbidden from trying to clone the Tarrasque.
2163. Especially so he can hollow it out and build a entry plug...
2164. So Jaela can pilot it.
2165. JUST TO GET HER IN A PLUG SUIT.
2166. Ketler is forbidden from building golems solely to do all the dangerous stuff.
2167. Ketler cannot create nitroglycerine in stick form.
2168. Or attempt to use the proceeds from this to make awards for world peace.
2169. Ketler cannot make molecular bonded armor for the ship.
2170. If warforged are not robots, Ketler cannot make them instead.
2171. Ketler is wrong to get special fertilizer to make a gigantic Venus Fly trap...
2172. Solely to help make his production of "Little Shop of Horrors" more authentic.
2173. Ketler is not a supervillain nor can he use the forbidden laser to hold the Four Nations for ransom.
2174. He will not demand "ONE MILLION DOLLARS!"
2175. It is wrong to attach lasers to sharks...
2176. Especially flaming flying sharks.
2177. Ketler will not save up his plunder to get an evil lair.
2178. Ketler is not a "supervillain in the making".
2179. Ketler may be mad and a scientist... but he will not be allowed to refer to himself as a mad scientist.
2180. I don't care if the plans are on the internet, Ketler cannot build an A-bomb.
2181. Ketler cannot taunt Merrix that he's done more evil than the "rank amateur".
2182. Ketler is not allowed to say "D'Cannith is pronounced Day Cannath".
2166. The artificer is forbidden to make a Furby homunculus.
2167. Even if he does, he had better not offer it to Jaela.
2168. Especially after he teaches it to say "The Silver Flame sucks".
2169. Or "How about a date in 6 years?"
2170. Those are keel-hauling offenses, Chester.
2171. Weebles wobble.
2172. But they don't fall down.
2173. I may not attempt to change this.
2174. Especially not with a Meteor Swarm spell.
2175. And especially not when I'm on the airship.
2176. "Bite my shiny metal ass" is not an appropriate response from a warforged when asked for ident papers.
2177. Nor is is appropriate for the artficer to say "Bite HIS shiny metal ass" in the same scenario referring to the warforged.
2178. Unless said warforged name is Shine.
2179. Then it is mandatory.
2180. "Fire the warning monk!" is not an appropriate command for the warforged at the start of a battle.
2181. Especially if the warforged IS the monk.
2183. Andrea, it is not appropriate to sacrifice crew members to the Dark Six.
2184. Andrea, it is not polite to summon demons to destroy the world.
2185. We are to STOP the summoning of the Rajahs...
2186. AND NOT just so we can summon them ourselves.
2187. Nihilism is not an acceptable answer for "What is your religion?"
2188. It is wrong to attempt to dissolve souls to create a Philosopher's Stone.
2189. Even if it worked on Full Metal Alchemist.
2190. It is wrong to reanimate dead crew members to do your chores.
2191. Especially if you killed them for this purpose.
2192. You will not look at "The Evil Overlord's List" for advice.
2193. Queen Aurala is not your greatest rival for world domination.
2194. The Demon Wastes are not a vacation spot.
2195. Jaela is not to be corrupted to the Cult of the Dragon Below.
2196. Especially in exchange for candy.
2197. It is wrong to tell Jaela that the Dragon Below offers Barbie dream house.
2198. Even if it's true.
2199. All the cool kids are NOT joining the Dragon Below.
2200. Evil is not more powerful than good because good is dumb.
2201: Chaos, however, will beat Law because it's better organized.
2202. A warforged's composite plating does not fall off with a Knock spell.
2203. It is wrong to tell them this.
2204. They don't have kickstands.
2205. Or handlebars.
2206. Do not name a warforged titan Tiny.
2207. Keelhauling is still an option.
2208. Warforged do not "pass gas".
2209. It is wrong to tell them this.
2210. You cannot enchant a warforged with the Stinking Cloud spell and have them blast a big one.
2211. Neither will I. I'm Captain, not Evil Overlord.
2212. Suggesting that I'd be better at that job is an appreciated compliment. It is also a keel-hauling offense.
2213. Characters will not be permitted to have Welsh names. They're just too hard to spell and pronounce.
2214. Warforged Scout (MMIII p. 193) characters will not be named Gigantor.
2215. For especially egregious repeat offenses, walking the plank will be substituted for keelhauling.
2216. The Captain's scrying shard will NOT be used to determine if the Paladin Chick is a real redhead.
2217. The chamber pots will not be emptied over the Royal Court of Fairhold.
2218. Chamber pots will not be given to the warforged and told that they are starter foods.
2219. This list is not optional.
2220. Invisible peeping toms will be visibly beaten.
2221. Warforged are not walking ashtrays.
2222. The captain has the final say.
2223. Unless you pay me enough to stay out of it.
2224. There are no halfling warforged.
2225. Stop telling the warforged this.
2226. For the last time, Jaela is not interested in you.
2227. Just me.
2228. Must not ask the paladin chick if she has 'put on a little weight'.
2229. Mustn't tell Jaela that she is responsible for the Gloaming.
2230. Mustn't tell the warforged that he is responsible either.
2231. The Suggestion spell is not a Jedi Mind Trick.
2232. I'm not even supposed to be here today.
2233. Casting Mute on the warforged does not make him Silent Bob.
2234. Despite the Armblade, Armbow, and Battlefist, warforged still arent OmniMechs.
2235. The warforged is not a training dummy.
2236. I should stop telling the monk this.
2237. Even if the warforged is a bit of a dummy.
2238. We do not have LAN parties.
2239. The warforged is not a router, so I should stop shoving wires into him.
2240. Especially the high-voltage ones.
2241. Despite the disturbingly happy sighs from the warforged.
2242. The airship does not have a towing hitch.
2243. I do not have the power of Life and Death.
2244. This also applies to Tower 312.
2245. We will not tow Tower 312 about as "our mobile house of pleasure".
2246. Especially if you keep making comments about the size of your erection.
2247. We will not ride past Argonessen so you can moon the dragons.
2248. The dragon prophecy does not predict the outcome of next week's Aundair horse races.
2249. The missing moon is not to be referred to as "The Death Star."
2250. Neither the Aurrum nor House Kundarak are to be referred to as "Goldilocks".
2251. All right, I admit it, this keel-hauling thing works better as a punishment when an ocean's involved, but think of the splinters!
2252. Gnomish bards do not have access to the "Rubber Chicken" spell.
2253. Nor any magical item by the same name.
2254. Nor are they allowed to invent such.
2255. You are not my "little buddy", and even if we did get stranded on a desert island I certainly wouldn't let you name it after yourself.
2256. Regarding last night's wet toga/Syberis shard/Keeper-on-Keeper incident: We shall not speak of it again. I'm confiscating every last drop of alcohol on the ship, and every single woman who participated in the 'Best impression of the thirteen moons' contest is to report to my office immediately.
2257. Don't wait up.
2258. Togas, kilts, kimonos, and white plastic shell armor are unacceptable ship attire.
2259. If we crash into the hills, our first priority is helping the artificer get the ship running, not voting on who looks the tastiest.
2260. Well, yes, the catgirl does look... wait... this line of thinking will cease and desist immediately.
2261. Look, do you think I dole out punishments for amusement?
2262. That's a good point, but it hurts me more than it hurts you.
2263. Granted, I could be just as sick as you as far as enjoying punishment.
2264. Okay, this joke's being dragged on a bit long... what the hell am I supposed to do to keep you people in line?
2265. Being left bound, gagged, naked, and cast to Jaela's mercy is not nor will it ever be an appropriate punishment.
2266. It is wrong to tell the warforged this.
2267. Mordain the Fleshweaver is not ever to be called Dr. Moreau.
2268. Nor does he live on "The Island of Dr. Mordain".
2269. I don't care how priceless his expression was when you first said it.
2270. What do you mean the other players all chuckled and Jeff sprayed soda? What in Khyber are you smoking?
2271. It is wrong to get tattoos for the sake of restoring the mark of death.
2272. The secret ingredient in Green Dragon's Blood is not people.
2273. We are fighting for freedom and glory, not eeps and swag.
2274. That's it, I'm leaving.
1. You shall not address your captain as "Fresh Meat", "Substitute Teacher", "Scab", "Second Place", "Filler Material", "New Guy", "Hardass", "Candy Ass", "Greenhorn", or "Little Sally Frou Frou, Princess of the Fairy Petals".
2. Keel hauling is an option.
3. You shall not address your captain as "Masthead", "Replacement Rudder", or "Dino-fishing-bait", nor shall you ever ever keel haul him again.
4. Keeper Jaela is not of the age of consent, and even if she were, she certainly wouldn't consent to /that/.
5. Neither would Errandis d'Vol. And they certainly wouldn't settle things with a pillow fight.
6. Oh dear Sovereign, I think I'm going to be sick.
7. You shall not address your captain as "Chuck", "The Hurler", "Sir Barfsalot", "The Technicolor Yawn", "Salad Shooter", "Vomit Comet", "Hurly McHurlerson from the Hurly Kingdom of Hurl", or "Spewy".
8. When the captain hides in his room and states that he wishes to be left alone, the appropriate response does not involve sending in the shifter to cuddle.
9. Look, I don't care how fetching she is.
10. It really doesn't matter which fetching I meant, now does it?
11. Oh... /that's/ Marish. I see.
12. What list?
2287. This behavior is despicable, you are all reprehensible for keeping a record of your misdeeds, and if we ever reach 3333 I'm driving straight to Riedra for "Corrective Behavior Modification".
2288. After having met you lot, yes, myself included. Feel... so... dirty...
2289. Psionics aren't better at giving head.
2290. It is wrong to tell the warforged this.
2291. Changelings' natural forms are not blue with red hair.
2292. The next person to tell the warforged that declaring "KILL ALL HUMANS" while walking with outstretched arms and big clanging steps is a good way to make friends and influence people will be shot out of a torpedo tube.
2293. I don't care that they haven't been invented yet. We have ways.
2294. Dolgrims were not created by 'cracking a few goblin skulls together'.
2295. I should stop telling the warforged this.
2296. But I won't.
2297. The shifter girl may be deliciously feline, but thats no excuse for her to use the ship as a scratching post.
2298. Bribery doesnt work on any member of the watch above the rank of sergeant.
2299. Unless you're offering the shifter girl.
2300. You are not first on the server.
2301. Receiving a buffing spell is not the same as "turning on uber l337 h4x".
2302. There is no 'god mode', and if there were, you would not be allowed to turn it on.
2303. It's spelled E-L-I-T-E.
2304. Put down that sword... HEY! STOP TK'ING, NUB! WTF!
2305. The artificer does not 'jack in' to the warforged to fix him.
2306. The warforged is not vulnerable to 'cyberpsychosis'.
2307. Pray that he doenst find out what that means.
2308. Pray like you have never prayed before...
2309. The necromancer is NOT Dr. Frankenstein.
2310. Even if he does build a flesh golem, its not Frankenstein's Monster.
2311. Its name is Adam.
2312. Any female psionic named Jean Grey will not be allowed on board.
2313. I do'nt care how good she is, this ain't the [CENSORED] X-Men.
2314. Any ring that you find is not to be referred to as "the precious".
2315. There is no Golden Compass.
2316. ...Or Subtle Knife.
2317. And no, you can't make them (even if you are an artificer).
2318. The fairy's blood is NOT toothpaste.
2319. So stop trying to brush your teeth with it.
2320. You cannot refer to any of the Arcanix wizards as Gandalf.
2321. Or Saruman.
2322. Or Dumbledore.
2323. Orc mages are not to be referred to as Thrall.
2324. And Silver Flame paladins are not to be referred to as Arthas.
2326. The airship was not built for "Junkyard Wars".
2327. Neither was the warforged.
2328. You can't ask the shifter girl and the changeling girl to do a pinup calendar.
2329. Unless you split the profits with the crew.
2330. This ship is in Eberron, we shall not act like we're playing Warhammer.
2331. Eberron will not be described as "Like Torg only not as fun".
2332. We shall not break the 4th wall...
2333. That will include references to "min-maxing for fun and profit."...
2334. Reading the Eberron handbooks while we game in character...
2335. Making snappy comeback lines that require out of character knowledge...
2336. Making REFERENCES to being Batman.
2337. Rolling dice.
2338. Shouting CRITICAL HIT after a spectacular maneuver.
2339. Having arguments in game about whether female RPGers exist or not...
2340. Especially if you are sitting next to one at the table.
2341. YES, he's a girl.
2342. I don't need to tell you twice since she's hit you painfully.
2343. Cross-gender roleplaying is no longer permitted due to...
2344. The abundance of lesbian softcore...
2345. Making disturbing comments about your character's booty in your throaty guy voice...
2346. The fact you make FAN art of your character...
2347. And this is hardly the creepiest stuff.
2348. Shifters will not be referred to as "furries".
2349. Conan the Barbarian is not your role model.
2350. The warforged is forbidden to play basketball with the gnome.
2351. Especially when he is using said gnome as the ball.
2352 You cannot crit a warforged with a can opener.
2353 Stop telling the warforged this.
2354 Halflings and gnomes are not good eating.
2355 Again, stop telling the warforged this.
2356 Shifters do not wear flea collars.
2357 Stop telling the shifters this.
2358 And the warforged.
2359 The warforged do not have brass knuckles.
2360 Nor are they a walking port-a-john.
2361 Please quit telling the warforged these things.
2362. The goliath with "Fling Ally" is not to play football with the warforged juggernaut.
2363. Especially when said warforged is the ball.
2364. It is very, very wrong to tell this to either of them.
2365 The first warforged prostitute will be melted for armor.
2366 Warforged will not be pimped.
2367 Warforged cannot be pimps.
2368 A warforged with the sonic ability will not be referred to as a vibrator.
2369. You did not "Steal the Baby from the stupid Dhakaani".
2370. Dhakaani weren't even in the movie... okay, it's pretty close.
2371. Not allowed to make any character that sounds like Pachino in "Scent of a Woman".
2372. I will pimp slap the next person that sez "WHO-HAH!!"
2373. No you cannot have your Necromancer look like Iggy Pop.
2374. Okay, maybe... that guy is creepy-looking.
2375. You cannot cast "Enlarge" on specific body parts. I don't know if any one said it before, but it bears repeating.
2376. We will not all put on goatees to pretend to be our Mirror Universe counterparts.
2378. The changeling will not immitate other crew members to claim to be their Mirror Universe counterparts.
2379. It is wrong to tell the warforged either of the above is true.
2380. I will not fall for you all pretending I've been teleported into a Mirror Universe....
2381. Even if you put a Helm of Opposite Alignment on Aurala to make her a sexy dominatrix.
2382. A Helm of Opposite Alignment to make Jaela incredibly bratty.
2383. A helm of Opposite Alignment to make Kaius incompetent but peaceful while feeding on tomato juice.
2384. Where did you get all of those damn helms?
2385. Infect Boranal with Lycanthropy to make him incredibly vicious and egotistical.
2386. It is NOT wrong to make all the women's fashions on the ship incredibly slutty to reflect the environment, though.
2387. Listen, if you were the Mirror Universe Forgotten Freedom everyone would be NICE, now, wouldn't they?
2388. Mirror Universe Captain Jarlot would NOT be nicer than me!
2389. ...So stop trying to get him onboard with a teleport accident!
2390. Mirror Universe crew would not say "BIZZARROOOOOO!" every other line so stop saying it.
2391. The Mirror Universe Lord of Blades is not a Barber.
2392. The Mirror Universe Quori are not the Care Bears.
2393. The Mirror Universe Lords of Dust do not resemble Mr. Clean or the Bounty Man.
2394. The Mirror Universe Last War did not resemble 100 years of Woodstock.
2395. It is wrong to tell the warforged this.
2396. The Mirror Universe House Cannith doesn't sell flowers.
2397. Mirror Universe House Deneith aren't hippies.
2398. Mirror Universe House Thuranni are not pirates...
2399. Because Pirates are the opposite of ninjas.
2400. Mirror Universe Argonessan is not inhabited by Flumphs.
2401. The Mirror Universe did not have a Dungeons and Dragon movie that did not suck.
2402. The Mirror Universe cannot be reached by modifying a remote control to create wormholes in space.
2403. Ketler is not Quinn Mallory.
2404. The Dwarf is NEVER John Rhys-Davies.
2405. The Mirror Universe Darguun is not the homeland of Keebler Elves.
2406. Mirror Universe Aereneal does not worship the Beach Boys.
2407. ...I don't even know why you suggested that.
2408. Mirror Universe Valenar are not a bunch of armchair liberals.
2409. ...It is wrong to go to the Mirror Universe to try and conquer them.
2410. Mirror Universe Droaam is not home to Furbys...
2411. Actual Droaam is.
2412. Mirror Universe Eldeen Reaches does not resemble downtown Chicago.
2413. Mirror Universe Sharn is not a hellacious pit...
2414. Normal Universe Sharn has enough of that.
2415. Mirror Universe Khyber is not the home of the Fraggles.
2416. Mirror Universe Shifters are not Muppets.
2417. Mirror Universe Talenta Planes do not have giants riding chocobos.
2418. It is wrong to tell the warforged this.
2419. Mirror Universe Cardinal Kronzen is not Frank N. Furter from the Rocky Horror Picture show.
2420. Actual Universe Cardinal Kronzen has a very active private life.
2421. The Mirror Universe does not have the worship of the Golden Pond.
2422. If they did, it'd be wrong to attempt to sell urine as holy water.
2423. Mirror Universe Errandis D'Vol is not a misunderstood angsty Goth teen...
2424. Sadly, actual universe one is.
2425. The warforged does not need software upgrades.
2426. The ship does not run on Windows.
2427. No, the paladin chick will not 'lay her hands' on you.
2428. No matter how nicely you ask.
2429. No, you cant bribe her, either.
2430. The bard will not learn poetry beginning 'There once was a man from nNantucket.'
2431. The bard will not inspire confidence with such songs as 'bluff the stupid ogre.'
2432. You still can't kill Lich Vol by dropping houses on her.
2433. I should tell the warforged this.
2434. Eventually.
2435. You are forbidden from ever speaking again except for the words...
2436. Arrrrrrr...
2437. Matey...
2438. Hello poppet...
2439. Parley?...
2440. SNARRRRRRLLL...
2441. Grrrrrrrrr....
2441. Shiver me timbers!...
2442. Aye Captain!...
2443. Yo ho!...
2444. Use of warforged as cannonballs is a last-ditch effort.
2445. Warforged will not be used as heated shot.
2446. My hat is not a toy.
2447. You may not bring a bucket of water into to the vault of the Silver Flame.
2448. I don't care how cool the sizzling noises are.
2449. Captain: NO.
Crew member: But I was just...
Captain: Nothing else at all to do with Jaela, no, nothing. Shut up.
2450. The shifter may not use the mast as a scratching post or nibble stick.
2452. Warforged may not be named Data, Lore, B-4, Jehuty, Anubis, Nieth, Gundam, Melith, Guymelith, Ironsides, Optimus, Galvatron or Hotstreak.
2453. I don't care what it is, just NO!!!
2455. Mirror Universe Jaela doesn't want to sleep with you either.
2456. It is wrong to dress as a teddy bear to lure Jaela in.
2457. A confession will not be done to the Pontiff while she is on your knee.
2458. Jaela will not be induced to being the navigator for our ship and saying 'Baka' lot.
2459. The Keeper of the Flame does not refill the propane.
2460. The Keeper of the Flame doesn't shovel coal.
2461. It is wrong to dress the WARFORGED as a teddy bear.
2462. It is wrong to say the costume of any anthropomorhpic animal is a special warforged-only magic armor.
2463. Even if it makes them somehow MORE intimidating.
2464. Attaching a lodestone to the warforged does not make him sing folk songs.
2465. So stop throwing lodestones at him.
2466. Ioun stones are not for target practice.
2467. I should tell the warforged this.
2468. But I probably won't.
2469. Telling the warforged the grey ioun stones bring luck is forbidden.
2470. He has a dozen of the things flying around him for chrissakes...
2471. Selling said grey ioun stones as any kind of dragonshard is a bad idea.
2472. I'll stop one of these days.
2473. It is wrong to teach the warforged the song "Iron Man."
2474. The bard may sing "The Red" when a barbarian rages.
2475. The bard may also sing 'Cars' when we are in the airship.
2476. Note, it must be the Fear Factory cover, or else the bard will be keelhauled.
2477. Under no circumstances will you ever teach the bard to play This(link removed)
2478. The artificer is forbidden to make any gauntlet out of brass.
2479. The gnome is not dinosaur bait.
2480. The anchor is not a dinosaur hook.
2481. Once and for all time no... one... on this... ship... is... Batman...
2482. The name of the ship is Forgotten Freedom not the Flying Asylum.
2483. You don't have to be crazy to work on this ship, but it helps.
2484. Nobody is screaming, it's just you.
2485. You are not the Draconic Prophecy.
2486. The Prophecy is not being spoken by some dude in a black duster and silver goggles named Morpheus.
2487. The Warforged will not be reincarnated as a blender.
2488. It is wrong to tell him this.
2489. We will not use the airship to go duck hunting, or any other kind of bird hunting.
2490. We will not have the Changling impersonate a Werewolf and say "You missed one!" to anger the Paladins of the Silver Flame.
2491. We will not replace the Blood offering with ketchup in the Blood of Vol temple.
2492. We will not collect two of each animal on the airship so that we can preserve every species on the continent. We have a hard enough time feeding the crew.
2493. No, you may not turn your luggage into a homunculus.
2494. Nor your mother's dead body.
2495. Kalashtar psions are not allowed to carry bags of sand, rubies, and funky-looking helmets.
2496. Nor is it even biologically possible for them to be the brothers of super-cheerful Aereneal necromancers.
2497. Aereneal necromancers may not be super-cheerful.
2498. On the other hand, wearing all black, writing bad poetry in the corner of the tavern, and putting on all that awful white make-up is a keelhauling offense.
2499. It is wrong to tell warforged that sharpening their armblade will make them go blind.
2500. It is also wrong to tape their eyes shut after telling them this.
2501. I reapeat, do not use the poop deck as a toilet.
2502. And no its not the cabin boy's job to clean it up.
2503. I will not catch the next idiot who jumps out of the ship.
2504. I have removed a patch of the keel's varnish, so now it has extra splinters.
2505. When we get to 3333 and head to Riedra the costs for the behavior mods are coming out of your pockets.
2505. No, you did not start the Last War because you were bored.
2506. I will stop selling fake maps to lycanthrope houses to the Silver Flame.
2507. I did not go to junior high with Jaela.
2508. The warforged's arm sheath isnt for -that- kind of wand.
2509. I will stop hiding the wizard's wand of Big Kabooms in the warforged's arm sheath.
2510. Or at least tell him to stop high-fiving everyone.
2511. Aereneal elves do not want or need prozac.
2512. Female Talentia halflings do not wear burkhas.
2513. Yes, you have to read the whole list, there will be pop quizzes.
2514. King Kaius is decidedly not Lestat. And his wife is by no means the Queen of the D****d.
2515. In fact, all Anne Rice references are expressly forbidden when speaking about Karrnath.
2516. ...or the Aereneal elves.
2517. We are not "on the jazz".
2518. And the warforged is not Mr. T.
2519. Even if that is his name.
2520. And he has fashioned himself a mohawk and has a body lined with gold.
2521. No matter how cute Marish thinks they are, there will be no hiring of goblin barbarians.
2522. Nor making plush dolls of the same.
2523. Oh for Host's sakes, warforged plushies? That's just wrong!
2524. The warforged is not the same thing as a pet rock.
2525. It is especially wrong to tell it such during a boarding maneuver.
2525. I will learn to count without resorting to fingers, toes, and appendages.
2527. "Forgotten Freedom" is not a bondage reference.
2528. It is wrong to tell the Keeper of the Flame this.
2529. Rental of the ship and/or artificer's equipment and/or shifter bard with a whip for bondage purposes is strictly prohibited and will cease and desist immediately.
2530. Just because the artificer uses infusions doesn't give rights to anyone on the ship to spend half the day with a needle sticking out of your arm.
2531. Except me.
2532. Because I'm the captain, that's why!
2533. Look, if you had to deal with yourself, you'd understand.
2534. Oh, now you beha... ****, thought too soon.
2535. BY THE DRAGONS!!!!!! WHAT UNHOLY ??!?!! ...you clean this up, you dump the bodies.?.?. pieces of anyway, you catch me *faints*.
2536. This never happened.
2537. The new guy is a bit of a weirdo, so don't take him too seriously.
2538. Do not tease the new guy or try to look under his armor. He was badly burned by acid and as such doesn't like to be seen. Leave him alone.
yes I know mine are a little forced but I really want this to get to 3333, I have a great set for after the behavior mods.
2539. No, the Kalashtar monk will not show you any "nifty moves" so you can "start trashing bozos".
2540. It is best if you do not call the Sentinel Marshal a "Rent-a-cop".
2541. Pointing to Merrix d'Cannith's dragonmark and saying, "Hey, nice ink!" is unlikely to improve his attitude from "indifferent" to "friendly".
2542. The rumor you heard about a shop in the Firelight District selling potions of natural male enhancement is unfounded.
2543. There is no Cult of the Dragon On The Left.
2544. Or on the right
2545. Or in any other direction, besides below.
2546. That includes non-spatial, and quasi-spacial directions.
2547. There are no cheat sheets to get out of a Maze spell.
2548. No, my cheat sheets are not authentic.
2549. Baelful Polymorph does not change the target into a bale of hay.
2550. I must not waste a Wish spell on a candy bar.
2551. I am not to use a Wish spell on Jaela for ANYTHING.
2552. A warforged soulknife is not Darth Vader.
2553. Unless it's Halloween.
2554. A warforged, catgirl shifter, and halfling is not the cast of FLCL.
2555. Unless they're funny.
2556. Do not call the dogboy shifter Inyuasha.
2557. Unless he's half-fiendish, then he brought it on himself.
2558. Not all pirates act like Johnny Depp from 'Pirates of the Caribbean'.
2559. Even if they're good at it.
2560. Jaela wouldn't like it anyway.
2561. Catgirl shifters can't wear sailor school girl outfits.
2562. Catholic school gear is okay.
2563. Halflings named Edward and Warforged partners name Alfonse will be keelhauled, along with Two Weapon Fighting angsty drow.
2564. TWICE.
2565. Once more for good measure.
2566. I should tell the female changling that she does not have to be naked with blue skin and red hair.
2567. But I will not, and people will thank me for it.
2568. Eberron still isn't medieval Shadowrun.
2569. Nor is it D20 Modern.
2570. But I am Batman, accept it, it is true.
2571. No, you can't have a female shifter based of Baalah from Pawn.
2572. But the changeling could try and look like her, hmm?!?
2573. Especially to dragons named Puff.
2574. I must not use Holy Water Balloons for strafing runs against King Kaius.
2575. The Iron Defender is not a pet.
2576. Nor is it a show dog.
2577. ...Unless we can make money from it.
2578. No killing your rival in the first run-in.
2579. Even if he looks cooler then you.
2580. Don't be mad if his sword's bigger as well...
2581. Permanently scarring your rival on the first encounter is allowed.
2582. Especially if he scarred you first.
2583. I was drunk, there is no Batman on this ship.
2584. The galley is not a bathroom.
2585. You will not call an Inspired ambassador "dreamy".
2586. You can turn an Inspired to stone. However, calling them a "marble quori" afterwards is just wrong.
2587. No, your dad does not run a secret agency.
2588. And even if he did, it would not be fighting misleadingly-named evil outsiders.
2589. And even if it did that, no warforged painted purple would be involved.
2590. Duct tape, cereal boxes and parts harvested from the trash can not be used to make any kind of construct.
2591. And it's spelled fear, not ph34r!
2592. You do not have an incarnate conscience that sits on your shoulder.
2593. I don't care if you strap wings on your familiar!
2594. You may not suck all the monsters out of Khyber with an enormous vacuum cleaner.
2595. The Silver Flame are not to be called regarding agricultural pests.
2596. Reforged do not get visited by a blue fairy one night and become real boys.
2597. "It's not big and it's not clever" does not translate as "now that would be SOOO KEWL!"
2598. The Quori are not led by a long-haired goth who looks like Robert Smith.
2599. You shall not test if warforged have souls by offering one to a Rajah for ultimate power.
2600. Warforged do not have to be rented.
2601. I should stop collecting rent for warforged.
2602. Tossing alchemist's fire in the flame elemental ring does not make the ship go faster.
2603. It makes a pretty bang, though.
2604. Magnetizing the warforged is not funny.
2605. Sleeping with the paladin chick is not a 'religious experience'.
2606: You may not have a miniature giant space hamster as your familiar.
2607: ...or your animal companion.
2608: That one's been done. Twice. Give it up.
2609: No, Trent Oster still doesn't want to give you your job back.
2610: No, you may not usurp control of all the undead in Karrnath and use them to purge all of the "Un-Darkly Cute" from the world. Speaking as the former head of the Church of Miho, that power is mine and mine alone.
2611: The Warforged does not have a "rejection mode".
2612: Not even while raging.
2613: The Artificer may not invent the Killstick, Chibi Killstick, or any variant therof. Crowiko beat you to it.
2614: Any young, jailbait female necromancers with mental issues are not allowed to wear hair ribbons.
2615: The ultimate source of your power is not the Necrowombicon.
2616: It is, however, mine.
2617: Yes, Duct Tape is an effective weapon against Stick golems.
2617: You may not summon fanboy armies.
2618: Or ex-Idols.
2619: You may not make any sort of "URGENT ANNOUNCEMENT!!" unless your name is Scott Douglas "Draegos" Thompson.
2620: If the Captain is sick and calls off the day's activities, it is not a DPD (Dead Pirate Day).
2621: 6o 3z o\/\ 73h n0()8z, d00d.
[2621: My brother, you must provide subtitles for they who are not among our elite order.]
2622: Oh look, more bombs.
2623: Next time, use shorter taunts.
2624: Okay! Enough MegaTokyo references already!
2625. You are not to summon Cthulhu.
2626. Not are you to have the artificer make a scroll of hold divine being.
2627. And then use it while the bard plays elevator music.
2628. Nor is Cthulhu to be introduced to any Daelkyr.
2629. I have so little sanity left from last time.
2630. You will disregard any similarity between the Silver Flame and the Golden Throne.
2631. Even if the bound divine beings in either have told you different.
2632. No, the quori don't have drinking games.
2633. Nor can you get them drunk.
2634. I swear that Kalashtar was sober when I left her...
2635. Painting the Warforged red will not make him go faster.
2636. Especially if he has an Admantine body.
2637. It is wrong to tell him this.
2638. Same goes for painting the ship red.
2639. We are not Karrnathi.
2640. The ship stays green.
2641. Because I am Captain and I say so.
2642. The artificer is not to be referred to as that "Rambling Wreck from Cannith Tech, with skills in cogs and gears".
2643. You will not get a Lycanthrope to infect Aurala.
2644. Or for any other purpose.
2645. Especially not that...
2646. You will not get Dragonmark Tattoos.
2647. We have enough trouble as it is.
2648. Renegade Mastermakers are not Cyborgs.
2649. Nor are they named Batou or Motoko Kusanagi.
2650. Riedrans have no trouble with Rs or Ls.
2651. Riedrans are not stupid.
2652. Just because they are the only ones who don't understand that thier "inspired' leaders are evil demons from the relams of dreams and that the Kalashtar are the good guys... Uh, actually, I take back 2651.
2653. Riedrans are stupid.
2654. Telling your familiar to "go for the beer" is never, ever a good thing.
2555. Hamster familiars give a -2 penalty on all saves to resist drunkenness, and render you immune to alcohol poisoning.
2556. Telling the crewmates with hamster familiars this is a keelhaulable offense.
2557. The artificer MAY NOT gain warforged cohorts with the Adamantine body feat, kill them, then salvage them for the 'raw material'.
2558. The Forgotten Freedom is NOT fully submersible.
2559. It is wrong to tell the warforged this.
2560. No, not even if we get a water elemental bound to the ring.
2561. Hamsters are to be kept separate at all times. We don't have enough food for another tribble parody.
2561. No one on this ship can kill people with their brains.
2562. Yes, is wrong to tell the warforged this.
2563. Oh, I'm sorry-- no one on this ship without a great bloody quori stuck in their head can kill people with their brains.
2564. None of the major holy texts of the Silver Flame or the Host are fuzzy about kneecaps.
2565. You may not refers to the shifters as trained apes... without the training.
2566. Being struck with water balloons does not cause warforged to go on murderous rampages.
2567. And yes, it is wrong to tell them this.
2568. The artificer may not craft anything while drunk.
2469. Especially after the "Captain's Undergarments" golem we had a few weeks back.
2470. After the "Girdle of Reverse Masculinity/Femininity" incident, the artificer may not craft anything at all.
2472. Especially garments of enhance Masculinity/Femininity.
2473. The artificer will deconstruct that golem and give me my stuff back immediately.
2373. The ship is not a Zig, Nor shall it be moved in a manner denoting this.
2374. Being a Ranger and having the power attack feat does not make you a Power Ranger.
2375. Even if you have the suit.
2555: Your Warforged ally's name is not Big O, it is not nessecary to scream "SHOWTIME!" every time he attacks.
2556: Members of House Deneith who take levels in the Renegade Mastermaker prestige class shall not be referred to as Robocop.
2557: This title is reserved for members of the Sharn watch who take them.
2558: It is somehow right and noble to tell the warforged this.