Forgotten Freedom:43
Last Plot -- Plot Line Home -- Next Plot
Tony Tomay and a lone cameraman are moving nervously through an unused portion of the lower decks.
Cameraman: Dude, are you sure he's down here?
Tony Tomay: Of course not, idiot! All the crew could tell us was this would be the best place to look for him and if he didn't want to be found it would be practically impossible. Do you have any bright ideas on how to track some freak who can pass through walls and teleport basically at will!?
Cameraman: Like, chill out, dude. I'm just getting tired of lugging around this camera for noth...
He is suddenly cut off as malevolent laughter suddenly breaks out behind them. Both of them freeze in place and the hair stands up on the back of their necks.
Kanatash: You were looking for me.
Tony Tomay: Uh, yes. Yes we were.
Kanatash: That was a statement, not a question.
Tony Tomay: Ah, yes. Well I'm...
Kanatash: Tony Tomay. You're here to interview me for some show. Everything I need to know I have already taken from your mind. Plus a few "extra" tidbits, like that little tryst you had with the airship pilot.
Cameraman: Whoa dude! How'd you, like, do that man?
Kanatash: I'd shut up now, hippy boy. I'm in a particularly tolerant mood right now but that could change "reeeeeaaaal" easy.
Tony Tomay: I'm sorry to interupt, but why don't we just complete this interview and then we get out of your way.
Kanatash: I already know what your questions are going to be but I suppose you feel the need to ask them anyway so feel free. (takes a seat in mid air)
Tony Tomay: Well then... Tell us about your past to start with.
Kanatash: Well in the begining I was a supremely gifted nomad seeking a way to strike a blow directly to Dal Quor. Back then I was practically a paladin but that changed rather quickly. I attempted to shift myself Dal Quor but things went horribly wrong and I ended up in Xoriat instead. Needless to say I spent the next 5000 years as a plaything of the Daelkyr and they drove me completely and irevocably mad.
Tony Tomay: Well, how about the rumor...
Kanatash: ...That I plan to destroy reality. Oh yes, most certainly.
Tony Tomay: (looking nervous) Is that so, but, why, don't they, wouldn't...
Kanatash: Why, because I want to hear the sound that the basic fabric of reality makes when if finally snaps. You mortals have no appreciation for such a sensation, to us spawn of Xoriat your plane of existence is like a fine wine. Something to be savored. As for the reason the rest of the crew doesn't oppose me is I don't plan to destroy reality NOW. I want to give your reality another couple million years to "mature". By that point all the crew members and in truth, more or less everyone else alive today will be long dead so they don't really care.
Tony Tomay: Well that's sort of an improvement, I suppose.
Kanatash: Lisa said the same thing when she heard.
Tony Tomay: I expect she did. Now what do you think of Kithle's supposed Illithid empire, I would think your plans would conflict.
Kanatash: Not as much as you'd think. I'm the shipboard representative of the massive collaboration of Daelkyr lords who rule in Xoriat. They actually want to see this empire created and I'm more than happy to help Kithle in his plans. It passes the time, really. Kithle understands that even if this empire thing works, all empires come to an end and I don't plan to destroy reality until well after that end comes.
Tony Tomay: I suppose that makes sense. What about these experiments of yours we've heard inklings of?
Kanatash: Aaaaaaaahhh, yes. In truth they too are just a way to pass the time but I do enjoy them "so" much. It's a hobby really, the horrific twisting of forms into something altogether impossible. Even better is breaking of their minds and the beautiful, beautiful sound it makes when their mind cracks.
Tony Tomay: That's really creepy.
Kanatash: I try.
From the room next door inarticulate screaming can suddenly be heard.
Kanatash: Ah, there's one of my "patients" now. Excuse me I need to attend to this. (floats through the wall)
Tony Tomay: (looking relieved) I think that concludes our interview.
Kanatash: (poking his head out of the wall with a malevolent smile) Say, how would you like to join me here. I'm sure you'd find it educational.
Cameraman: RUN, DUDE!
Kanatash: Don't think I've forgotten about you, hippie boy! You're going to be first!
There is a gurgling sound as the camera hits the floor and Tony Tomay can be seen fleeing in terror. Out of frame an unidentified voice calls out, "Not the lemony freshness! Anything but the lemony freshness!" as the picture slowly fades to black. The picture turns completely black and all that can be heard is Kanatash's insane laughter until that too fades out but before it does Kanatash speaks, "In parting, remember, I'm coming for you. You know who you are. It is inevitable. I will be in deepest shadows, the blackest night, the darkest ally. Waiting. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA."
Satnak - Idiots *Orb Hammer*
Michael - what the ??!
Satnak - Custom power, it's sort of like a telekinetic blast but in a sphere around me, like a less lethal form of Ultrablast. By the way, the dimension is ripping asunder, get ready for work, people.
Andrea - When did Satnak start researching things, that was almost strategic.
Ketler - Kithle said the arm would cause her to grow much faster and in many more areas than normal for adventurers. It's only her lack of a mission outside of wailing on any deifics that pop up that makes her seem like hired muscle.
Micheal - Well, let's grab our gear, guys.
Andrea - You want to work?
Micheal - Khyber, no I'm just hoping that some one will give us another shot around the rulebook, like vs. the Quori.
Dooj - I heard Kithle say they were still screaming over that.
Amidst the chaos, Norbaz successfully sneaks back on the ship, regaining his senses halfway through Marish's little shopping list, and selling everything back for half price. Angy, tired, and agitated at being charmed, the cooky prepares for his next course of action. He'll have that letter back, he'll destroy it, and he'd have Marish's silence on the matter if its the last thing he does... he plotted from the shadows where he stealthily hid...
Suddenly, Norbaz thought of something - Wait a second, she is Andrea's familiar, which means that if Marish read the letter than... OH KHYBER! She already knows... she already knows... what do I do. What do I say. Sovereigns, I have no idea what to do...
The half giant cooky leaves the shadows on deck and walks straight for the stairs to below deck, looking suddenly pale and weak in his stride.
Norbaz: How... how could I have completely overlooked that... that's a first level mistake... I... I need to lie down. Oh Sovereigns, I need to lie down.
Andrea: *sporting the worst sunburn of all time* Santak... I don't know how I'm getting revenge for what you did to Marish but... trust me. Daelkyr, Sovereign Host, Quori, King, or Rajah... I will. Oh yes, I will.
- Marish in her fully body cast is lifted up by her tail as only blinking is seen from within*
Marish: Meow.
Andrea: You always get me into trouble. I swear, I knew I should have just glued some suction cups onto your paws and used you as a decoration for the Ship's windows.
A blazingly exotic half-elf female walks through the shadowy corridors of the FF, wearing infiltration gear that couldn't possibly have been made in this universe. From the trail of bodies in her wake it appears she's pretty deadly. And she's good at killing people, too.
A redshirt pops out from behind some crates and waves his hands around in a magic gesture.
Redshirt: Prepare to die, soul-sucker!
But his spell fizzles harmlessly against her body. Before he can blink, she has him by the throat.
Half-elf: Part drow. Spell resistance.
Then she sucks the magic out of him. And since magic is the basic stabilizing force for matter in this universe, he dies.
Norbaz walks past this scene, and responds halfheartedly.
Norbaz: The dead redshirt quota's already been reached this week. New crew members should go check in with the captain.
Norbaz again sighs, and begins walking back to his cabin with his head held low.
Norbaz: Do... Do I go talk to her and apologize. How... what... oh. This... this just isn't happening.
The half elf part drow in infiltration gear just watches as the oddly dressed half-giant passes, rather confused at what just happened.
Half-elf: Was that Norbaz? So he's a half-giant here. And psionic, I'm guessing. Pitty, I hate the taste of psionics. Too heavy an emphasis on the mind.
Volrath strides down said shadowy corridor, and begins a monologue. Volrath : I believe that it has been stated before, only redshirts and Xoriat spawn are allowed here. Furthermore... Wow :inlove: you're really hot. (in his head) What do I do now. This is always what happens before she either runs screaming or tries to kill me.
Volrath teleports away.
Half-elf: D*mn, hot guy. Still, he's not the one I'm looking for. But if they can see me then the portals must be solidifying. Guess I'll have to hustle to that captain's office without visiting Kithle first. *sigh* Have patience, my love. Soon you will rule an empire greater than your wildest dreams.
Satnak - Hey mage-vamp!
Half-elf - Who are you?
Satnak - Don't mess with the cook! I haven't had Anything beside an everlunds recipe in almost a week! Don't touch the Half-giant or I will smash you into a small red smear then scrape it up and boil it!
Half-elf - Creative threat but you are no obsta.......aacck
Satnak has the Half-elf in a right handed neck grab.
Satnak - Guess what *****, I am not right-handed. Also half-drow don't inherit their elf parent's spell resistance.
Puff of logic
Half-elf - hhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeezzeeeeeee
Satnak drops her in a heap.
Satnak - KIthle says hi, and WHO THE **** ARE YOU?!?
Terra: (behind the new girl) Word of advice. Do not mess with the deicide or anyone involved with her chili. I did once and nearly got smashed into particles.
Half-Elf: Jeez, how many Psions are there on board?
Terra: Enough to keep us all on our toes, at least.
Half-elf: *sigh* I guess I have no choice.
Satnak and Terra both jump the half-elf, but as soon as they touch her they can feel something draining their magic, draining their very existance. As powerful as they are, they can break away without suffering the full effects. Satnak remembers her other arm. She strikes out, but the half-elf ducks under and grabs Satnak's head.
And kisses her.
Of course, it's a succubus type 1 "Get ready to have the life sucked outta ya".
Terra tries in vain for a minute to hit the half-elf with anything, even a piece of wood. But anything that touches the b***h dissolves. After 60 seconds Satnak's deicide arm falls off, and the half-elf lets go.
Half-elf: What?! You're still alive? There must be a powerful force protecting you. More powerful than a god…… How ironic. (She squats next to the gasping Satnak.) And I never intended to touch your little chili cook, nor any of the more useful crew…… except for my beloved Kithle. :inlove:
Terra: You are one freaky lady. Do you know that?
Half-elf: Comes from my drow heritage. (Stands. Begins circling Terra.) Their goddess had a thing for tentacles. Something about "schoolgirls".
Terra: You can't have spell resistance…… so how come—
Half-elf: (Smiles condescendingly.) Must be such a shame to be as lowly a creature as yourself. You're so stupid, you only think in terms of what you know. Well, I don't really have spell resistance—
Terra hits with a full on blast of everything she has. It gets sucked into the half-elf's body.
Half-elf: I, Caralot, am a black hole for magic.
The floor beneath Terra gives way, the support having been dissolved by Caralot. Fortunately Terra knows how to fly.
Caralot: My, my, the little single-breed knows some tricks. Well, I can't waste time with you. I have a child to conceive with your captain. I seriously hope my anarchist double doesn't struggle…… too much. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Terra thinks quickly. She recalls Igor's lectures on being a proper villain. so far this female has lived up to most of the criteria, so Terra tries a sure trick to extract information from her.
Terra: Ack! My… magic… fading.
She falls to the bottom of the hole.
Caralot: Well, I've got to run.
Caralot walks off.
Terra: *Oooookay, she's either not stupid…… or she's serious about not bothering with the rest of the crew.*
Satnak - Guess what, *****.
Half-elf - how are you standing?
Satnak - I'm stronger than the gods, remember.
Satnak, despite being one-armed, unleashes a devastating series of attacks backed up by her soulmelds the half-elf is neatly pummeled.
Satnak - Now behave and let Kithle sort this out.
Half-elf - (now sporting a black eye aand several borken bones, as well as bruises and ruptured organs) huh?
Kithle teleports in.
Kithle - Gotta watch Satnak here, she is definitely the best warrior I've ever seen. Even without here psionic power. Also, little note, the arm's effects are permanent; even detached it still leaves its power in her. Now you will tell me who you are, why you are here, and why you want to meet the captain.
Satnak puts her arm back on.
Satnak - Oh, by the way, I'll take that back plz *zorch*, thank you.
Half-elf - as if my head didn't hurt enough.
Jarlot: Okay, there's a dimensional tear. I wonder what that means.
Kanatash: Unless it's repaired then all of time and space will collapse.
Jarlot: And let me guess, your whole Age of Xoriat thing will happen.
Kanatash: On the contrary, it HAS happened. It exists in the future that has yet to come about.
Jarlot: Uh huh...
Kanatash: Your pitiful 3 dimensional mind is unfortunately painfully ill equipped to comprehend what I'm talking about.
Jarlot: Right, whatever. Remind me next time I visit Xoriat to go kill some more Daelkyr.
Kanatash: Such an action would only serve to reincarnate the immortal and eternal.
Jarlot: It would be fun, though.
Kanatash: If there is anything that should be noted about you, Captain, that you might be proud of its the fact that you're the only person whose ever actually returned from a state of utter and complete insanity. Such things normally are utterly immune to clerical magic or sorcery to remake the mind since it alters. It means you are either very stupid or very special. I lean towards the former.
Jarlot: Oh, I don't think you'd like what you'd find in my mind about now.
Kanatash: I'm sure it would be just a vacant mass of sexual mores and neuroses, like the rest of your underdeveloped race.
Jarlot: Remember when I had you interviewing the Dwarven Lady as revenge?
Kanatash: A rather pathetic form of revenge yes.
Jarlot: Well while we were in the Quori's dimension and I was talking to Khyber...
Kanatash: A nonexistent incarnation of mortal's concepts of evil....
Jarlot: I sort of picked up a trick or two from the Dreaming Dark and put them to use against you.
Kanatash: The very idea one of your plebeian brain could possibly affect mine is about as likely as the World series being won by Boston.
Jarlot: Well I'm sure you'll notice what I did sometime soon.
Kanatash: Of course. *picks up a cup of coffee to drink*
Jarlot: I hope you like that. Marish made it.
Kanatash: ....A *GIRL touched this!? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
- he runs slamming into Marish*
Marish: Hi.
Kanatash: AND if you EVER touch me again you filthy *****BAG with your... female GERMS I'll reduce your brain to microatoms.
- runs to the bathroom to scrub off*
Ketler: Wow... that's a particularly nasty sort of revenge.
Jarlot: There's nothing, no elder intelligence cannot be undone by greater than by cooties.
Ketler: You know he's going to destroy you for that.
Jarlot: Whenever he tries to use his powers against one of the crew... you know... I like... it rebounds with Marish's Naughty Adventures Videos I through VIII, which has the Pavlov-Clockwork Orange reaction affect on him too.
Kanatash: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! MY DARK MASTERS, WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME!?
Jarlot: Yeah he's going to be doing that for a while.
Marish: How odd.
Kanatash: THE FUR! MY PURE AND PRISTINE MIND! THE FURRRRRRRRR!
- sound of Kalashatar head pounding against a urinal*
Jarlot: Hmmm... now we have to deal with the Illithids from the Empire of the future coming out to menace us.
Michael: So uh, Kanatash, Why'd you freak out like that about the cootie stuff?
Kanatash: (trembling slightly) I'd really rather not go into it.
Dooj: Ah, come on!
Kanatash: Do you really want to know what could disturb a being of absolute madness and evil THAT much?
Dooj: When you put it that way...
Suddenly a short Kalashtar girl lands on the deck from out of nowhere. Her clash horribly and her hair is violently purple. At the sight of Kanatash she begins bouncing up and down and letting out a high pitched screem.
???: (anoyingly high voive) YEAH, KANATASH! Oh wow, I've been like looking for you for like forever!
Kanatash: BY THE DERANGED LORDS AND ALL THAT IS MAD IN THIS WORLD, NOT YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kanatash suddenly and violently snaps her neck with an uncontrolled blast of pisonic force.
Kanatash: OH ****, oh ****, oh ****, oh ****, oh ****, oh ****, oh ****, oh ****, oh ****, oh ****, oh ****, oh ****, oh ****, oh ****, oh ****, oh ****, oh ****..
Kanatash dives through the deck but the cadence of his cursing can still be heard. This cadance soon begins to grow more obsecene, even shifting languages a few times, until it descends into a series of utterations from no known languages that nonetheless causes alien and impossible landscapes to flash in the listener's mind that are nonetheless obscene.
Micheal: Ok, I'm impressed.
Dooj: What are you talking about. By his standards that kill was pathetic. Even when outnumbered a hundred to one he always spends more time than that to make sure the death is painful or better yet psychologically damaging.
Micheal: Well yeah, I was talking about that stream of obscenities he spouted there. I ask him to teach me a few of them if I wasn't sure it would drive me mad.
---
Later in the lower decks Kanatash is floating in mid air, curled into the fetal position, when Kithle enters the room.
Kithle: Okay, time to fess up, what the **** was the incident on the deck all about?
Kanatash: (wimpering slightly) It's her, she's found me.
Kithle: I'd like to get some strait answers or I'm going blast you back to Xoriat. Who was that girl.
Kanatash: (recovering slightly) Her name is Crystal. Before my little trip to Xoriat she was my lover and after things went horribly wrong she came to track me down...
Kithle: Wait a second there. I thought you said you spent 5000 years in Xoriat?
Kanatash: Being a fellow spawn of Xoriat you should know this, but since you've never been there I'll excuse it. Time doesn't work like mortals seem to think it does. On Xoriat it is variable to say the least. Two people could enter the realm of madness moments apart and even if the first spent a year there and the second spent a minute, the first could still leave first. With the time dilation at the time while I was on Xoriat 5000 years only a few days passed here.
Kithle: Alright, now back to the girl, Crystal you called her?
Kanatash: Yes, you see when I returned and she saw what had become of me she decided I had to be put down. Unfortunately for her she was a telepath so she tried to burn out my mind, and you know what happens when someone gets inside my mind. I was fresh form Xoriat so the mental feedback was enormous. It reduced her mind to that of a teenage vallygirl.
Kithle: WOW, she got it worse than Jonny did.
Kanatash: True, unfortunately she developed a bizare obscession with me, like I was some kind of rock star to her. She has been stalking me for years and I have had to go to great lengths to escape her.
Kithle: So what's the problem now? You killed her up there on the deck right?
Kanatash: I only wish. An odd side effect of the mental feedback caused her to suddenly develop the skills of Thrallherd and each of her thralls looks exactly like her. Plus her mind has been so damaged that I cannot read it to determine which one of them is the original. It is like there are hundreds of copies of her and no matter how many I slay there are always more. I may have slain the one of the deck but now the rest of them know where I am and they will be coming.
Kithle: You know, I think I'm starting to see why you have this issue with cooties...
Kanatash: If you think it's bad now wait until the rest of them show up.
Kithle - Talk, Caralot, or I will make finding what I want to know a shipwide production. Kanatash, Sa'vor, and all the others using their favorite tricks. I'd advise you spill. I was this close to a vacation. Death paper has a list of things to take care of on his tail. The old Dwarf lady is looking after Feal-Thas and his siblings for me. Terra has my network running while I'm gone, and Satnak is more than capable of destroying anything that needs stopping as I'm sure you've noticed. So spill before I lose my patience and do this the fun way. My brain sucking isn't magic.
Crystal: (about a dozen in unison) YEAH, WE LIKE LOVE YOU KANATASH!
Kanatash: GO AWAY! (unleashes a blast of fire, incinerating half of them)
Crystal: YEAH, HE'S LIKE KILLING US!! LIKE, OUR HERO!
Kanatash: (blasting away the remaining Crystals) Ugh, I really, really, REALLY need a vacation. And I need to kill something. Slowly, painfully, and psychotically. Yeah, that'll make me feel better. I need to get on that.
Terra sits on deck with Lisa and Volrath, discussing her recent encounter and killing off any Crystal Thralls that come around. Volrath is busy drooling over his memory of Caralot, oblivious to most of the conversation.
Terra: Stuck up little b****. Who is she to call me lowly.
- several Crystal thralls meet quick, explosive deaths*
Terra: Well, excuse me for being born mortal. I only spent the last thousand years searching for a way to break my imprisonment. I practically run the Eberron underground. I have survived Xoriat, pre-hippie :coolcthul , he-who-must-not-be-named, Nyarlathotep, and Dal Quor, twice. I've done a hell of a lot more than most mortals and even a few demi-gods...
Lisa: Which personality did what? And who's Nyarlathotep?
Volrath: (piping up) That'd be my dad, also known as the Crawling Chaos.
- Not-Walter tears three more apart as they cheerfully try and pet him*
Terra: We both did our part. I, as Not-Walter, worked for the Daelkyr for a while. That's how Kanatash knew me. It was their idea for me to train as a sorceror. They also sent me to meet Terra prime.
Lisa: You worked for the Daelkyr?!
Terra: About 300 years ago my time, more like 100 years in Eberron, I discovered a way into Xoriat. I was desperate, and I figured the Daelkyr were my best bet to breaking the seal.
- Volrath strangles another one, stuffs her down the throat of another, and then beats the third and fourth one to death with his new 'club'*
Lisa: Why did they let you go? I can't see them letting you off the hook just like that.
Terra: Oh, I'm not really free of them yet. I agreed to watch over Volrath in exchange for my freedom, and they wanted to encourage my vendetta against the Quori.
Volrath: (tossing the now bloody mass over the side) Wow, I didn't know that. Is... that the only reason you're with me? :bigeyes:
Terra: Not at all. Terra prime was genuinely fond of you, and Not-Walter began taking a liking to you as well. I'm here because I want to be.
Volrath: YAY!!!
Lisa: (smiling) It's eerily cute to see you two talking like this.
- a pair of mindbold ninja look at each other from below decks*
Mindbold1: Yeah, it's time to get this invasion under way...
Mindbold2: ....And release the master. But how to gain enough psychic energy to summon him?
*Meanwhile, above deck, Kanatash is blasting away every redshirt that he finds with a blast of pure, unrated psionic energy*
Jarlot: Great, who's ****** him off this time?
Ketler: Do you realize what you've done?
Jarlot: Yes.
- Crystals bring Jarlot cookies and creme as another one fans the Captain from behind*
Ketler: All this to get revenge on Kanatash?
Jarlot: Yep.
Ketler: They're... so... horrible!
Jarlot: And obedient! I'm saving on crew by the dozenfold!
Ketler: How can you stand them?
Jarlot: I've gazed into the heart of Khyber... my pity for the psychotic evils of this crew is pretty damned small.
Ketler: You have to have an ulterior motive.
Jarlot: I'm the only one with passes for off ship and thus Aerith has to date me before ANY of the crew get any.
Ketler: She probably loves them.
Jarlot: There's limits to even divine good.
Elsewhere
Terra: Listen, Aerith, I don't like you so I don't really want you hanging around and if you don't min... is that a flamethrower on your back?
Aerith: Why yes, yes it is.
Crystal: HEYYYYYYYYYYYY! *bounce*
- Aerith hits the Crystal with the flamethrower and kicks it off the ship's side*
Terra: :blink:
Aerith: Lousy little b*tches.
- fires flamethrower at another one that appears*
Aerith: John? You got room for another one? I think I found a gorram nest.
John: *squeezes some nastily* Yes Mistress Ripley... err Aerith.
Terra: :mymy: Ummm, this is a new side to you.
Aerith: Listen, I'm pretty much pure good but just because I'm pure Good doesn't mean even *I* don't have my limits to the amount of sacharine I can take. Jarlot may have the plan to have Ketler copy the mindthrall data of these little things so they can be used to take over the world and utterly expell all the Quori and Daelkyr's influence from the planet but that doesn't mean I have to be a part of it. These things give my kind a bad name. I mean cute is in MODERATION...
Terra: Wait, hold up... I thought Jarlot just got these things to annoy Kanatash.
Ketler: He just told me they were to get a date with you.
Aerith: Hasn't it ever occured to you that the Captain is really... odd for the position of Captain of this boat?
Terra: A few times.
Aerith: To his conscious mind he's just trying to get a date with me... *kicks a Crystal into John's arms for a death hug* but to his unconscious mind he's still the Spawn Of Khyber and her Chosen One, destined to bring about the end of everything.
Terra: I thought he made that up.
Aerith: Yes and Solar Devas routinely possess his girlfriends for a lark. No, my mission is to keep Jarlot from realizing his true potential and becoming a near-omnipotent evil despot. The Bianca part of me still loves both Jarlot and her brother and it's why both of us have worked to make them lovably ineffectual doofuses rather than the potential ultimate evils both have to be. Except, this time the Dark Queen... The Dragon Below... Tiamat... and so on got one past us and Jarlot is about to realize his potential by turning everyone into a worshipper of him and thus Khyber.
Then... he'll spread onward.
Ketler: Damn it, I always knew dad would destroy the world.
Aerith: He'll make this infection worse before he makes it better.
Elsewhere
Jarlot: Let's see, thanks to the modifications I made to your chemical structure. You breed if I pour water on you.
- pulls up Garden Hose*
Crystals: YAY!
Jarlot: Be sure to avoid sunlight and also eat PLENTYYYY of food after midnight. Got that everyone?
Crystals: YES MISTER BOSS MAN!
- sprays them all as they start popping out other crystals*
Tony Tomay: Isn't this just a Blatant Rip off of Gremlins, Captain Jarlot?
Jarlot: Girls, please eat her.
Tony Tomay: AH!
Michael: You know who had sex... with a woman... last night?
Doog: I dunno... you?
Michael: Oh yes.
Lisa: Listen Michael....
Michael: Oh yes, sex kitten?
Lisa: Oh hell.
- Michael gives the Zapp Rannigan look*
Stupid: God damnit, does anyone know where the robot toilet paper is? How can I clean my robot butt if you stupid fleshbags are still around and what's with all the damn rejects from Strawberry Shortcake walking around?
Michael: We've missed you, Stupid.
Stupid: Yeah I've missed me too, ya gawd damned meatbags. Where's the motor oil you call ale? It's almost as good as real motor oil?
Crystals: HEY MISTER ROBOT MAN!
Stupid: *tosses one overboard*
The deck is swarming with Crystals. Several of the crew are trying desperately to wade through and escape the shrill, happy little s**ts.
Terra: (from somewhere in the crowd) Okay, I have REALLY had enough of this! Time for a desperate measure... WHO WANTS CANDY?!
Crystals: (in unison) LIKE, OMG!!! FREE CANDY!!!!
Terra begins handing out small brightly wrapped candies. The incessant talking dies down as the Crystals enjoy their present.
Lisa: Have you gone daft?! You want them to get even more hyper off sugar?!
Volrath: (smiling knowingly) Wait for it... oh, you may want to cover your face, or at least close your eyes.
Lisa: Wha-*Kapow!*
A spray of blood eminates from a few feet away, followed by several other popping noises and yet more blood. Several Crystals have simply exploded.
Lisa & Aerith: :eek: :gah:
Many of the Crystals begin running around excitedly, laughing gleefully even as their sisters continue exploding. One by one, they all succumb, leaving nothing but lots and lots of blood and Crystal guts slopping all over the place.
Volrath: WOOHOO!!!
Terra: (wiping off some of the blood) Damn right! Little punks...
Aerith: (on the verge of tears) That... that was so horrifically evil... yet I feel so overwhelmed with happiness... I'm so confused...
Lisa: I'm glad those ones are gone, but why in Eberron would you be carrying something like that?
Terra: Oh, it's just a little something Volrath, Urial and I came up with a while back to deal with a goblin infestation. :devil: The little bastards never saw it coming...
Caralot - I feel unloved.
Satnak - I'm bored.
Kithle - I'm still waiting, I can't just read you like anyone else, so spill or it's professor lobotomy's school of interrogation.
( In Sa'vor's Citadel of Darkness; millions of Crystals swarm) Sa'vor: Feal-Thas! how did they get in!! HOW !! THIS DIMENSION IS IMPENETRABLE TO ALL WHOM DO NOT POSSESS A KEY!!!
Feal-Thas: ( over the giggling) I THINK IT'S A PLOT DEVICE!!!
Sa'vor: WHAT?
Feal-Thas: A PLOT DEVICE!
Sa'vor: REALLY? WELL THIS TIME THE CAPTAIN'S GONE TOO FAR!! RALLY THE TROOPS ! WE'LL CUT OUR WAY THROUGH THEM!!
Feal-Thas: (Salutes) and begins to hack a path through them.
( more giggling) Sa'vor: *to himself* this is the worst torture I've ever put up with. I'm going to make Jarlot pay. and when I'm finished making him pay... the gods will shudder at the things I've planned. ( Now Yelling and waving his fist a the sky) [SIZE=5]YOU HEAR THAT, JARLOT! WHEN I'M FINSIHED WITH YOU THE VERY HEAVENS WILL WEEP WITH TEARS OF PITY![/SIZE]
( an hour later, Sa'vor's Citadel dimension's door bursts open with an explosion, thousands of Crystals run from it. Sa'vor steps from it, fully armoured his black cloak swishing behind him. in his right hand a mind blade like a void sucks at reality, His raven lands on his shoulder. Sa'vor's very form is wreathed in black flames, his colourless eyes possess the most soul-chilling look ever imagined)
Void ( the raven): *CAW* Master, I have returned.
Sa'vor: So you have, what news do you bring?
Void: *CAW* Vol has found the symbol, she now holds it in her grasp *CAW* but there is a rebellion soon. your minions shall lead it
Sa'vor: Okay then, Void, cover my back and if anymore of those bloody things come within a hundred feet, blast them.
Void: *CAW*
Sa'vor: I'll take that as a yes
Void: *CAW* ( explosion in the back ground, followed by more giggiling and calls of Where's Kanatash? like does he know where Kanatash is?)
( Sa'vor rips a door off its hinges as he proceeds from his cell at the lowest decks of the ship, on the stairs stand more Crystals whom didn't eat the sugar, Sa'vor smiles and hacks them all to death with his bare hands. blood clings to his very form as he tacks some spare time to feed) Sa'vor: It feels so good to destroy again! I haven't felt this good since the last war! ( Blasts another of the giggling monstrocityies apart)
Void: *CAW* there are many of them, master *CAW* ( another explosion)
Sa'vor: yes, which makes it even more fun. ( behind him the sounds of heavy mailed boots marching from the portal, Tara's voice calls orders as they split up to sweep the corridors. Sa'vor hacks his way through seas of the things, instead of using his expert weapon techniques Sa'vor just uses brutal sweeping arcs to cleave his way through them. sometimes unleashing waves of elemental energy or even letting the black flames that cover his body immolate any he does not kill himself) Sa'vor: *maniacal laughter* this is far better than any holiday. now all I have to do is find Jarlot
Void: *CAW* ( a stream of magic annihilates more of the Crystal swarm behind his master)
Several thousand Crystals flee from Sa'vor's rampaging, failing to notice a very pleased looking Nalfein in a side corridor.
Nalfien: 3... 2... 1...
[SIZE=6]*Explosion of Biblical Proportions*[/SIZE]
Nalfien: (to the remaining, now freaked out Crystals) Four dozen 2nd Edition Delayed Blast Fireballs, biatches! :evillaugh
Caralot throws herself on Kithle.
Caralot (in overly dramatic voice): Oh, my beloved, my adamantine mind, my ultimate soulmate. *kiss, kiss, kiss* Come back to my dimension with me. I will forget about my plan to mate with my counterpart in this universe, Jarlot, to spawn the ultimate scion of dark and twisted gods—
Kithle: Igor's right. I wasn't sure I believed him, but this b**ch is spouting off everything.
Caralot: —who would then rule my star-spanning empire, wrested by my ancestors' hands from the hated drow. But I will give up that plan *kiss, kiss, kiss* if you will join me. You will have an empire greater than the one you dream of for this world. Together we will rule, and we shall crush all those who oppose us—
Satnak: Why can't I attack her? I mean, this is annoying.
Kithle: If you want villains to reveal their secrets to you, you can't interrupt their monologues—Igor.
Caralot: —and we would finally be able to crush those loathsome purebreds of the weak dragon empire of—
Reman Weascal [remember, he's a lawyer]: Hold it! I have been retained by various powers that be to serve you with a cease and desist order. That name you are about to mention may be copyrighted, and thus not elegable for posting on these boards.
Kithle: What's he talking about? What boards?
Satnak: If you'll notice he's talking funny, I think he's being controlled by some higher, more omniscient power.
Caralot: Well aren't you ripping off a gag from The Order of the Stick, by Rich Burlew, http: //www. giantitp. com/, known for its ability to use wit in conjuction with D&D terms?
Reman: Yes. I also have here (he unrolls a realllllllllllllllllllly long scroll) [/b]an order from the gods of your universe deciding they don't like it very much and that you and everything in it are going to be destroyed so they can go work on some other project.[/b]
Caralot: :weep: NNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! (kisses Kithle as deeply as possible, considering he has tentacles on his face) Be strong, my love. I shall find a way to… return……(she begins fading) from the realm……… of…………… non………………………………………… existence—
Kithle: D*mn, and I thought she was going to be another villain that we could fight valiantly and notch up a free celestial pardon.
Caralot: Nah. She was a drama queen. She could do the whole "I'm superior to you" bit, but in reality she was relying on her magical suction to turn any opposition into so much dust.
Kithle cracks his psychic knuckles. Satnak grabs Caralot by the neck.
Caralot: Hey, wait! I'm not psycho-b*tch queen!
Satnak: Spill quickly! We don't want to wait this time.
Caralot (realy fast): I'm Jarlot's female counterpart from an alternate Eberron in which there is a fourth progenitor dragon, and Cyre was overrun first by a disease that made everyone fight a lot, then by something called "blood" magic that turned people into "monsters", which was ultimately stemmed by the arrival of the People of the Fourth Dragon— who look like otters. Now Eberron is entering the Age of Blood, or more precisely the age where people figure out how to use genetic engineering to create strains of creatures never before seen on their world. I'm here as part of a House Vidalis—which I should mention on my Eberron is run by lycanthropes— sample-finding mission—hey, hey! Lay off the neck!
Satnak: I say she's lying.
Kithle: No, her mind is an open book. Actually, it's way too open. She's got the ability to like any cute creature—
Just then a group of Crystals walks by.
Caralot: :inlove: Ohmygodohmygodohmygod! They are the cutest thing! (prys open Satnak's hand without even grunting and rushes over to hug the Crystals)
Kithle and Satnak exchange a look. *Yeah, not going to touch her.* They back away slowly.
Satnak: Wonder why we got another one of her.
Gratuitous Explanatory Voice: Becuase the humor implications of her name have yet to be fully realized.
OOC: Hint, hint. *wink* *wink*.
Caralot sees Sa'vor on the warpath.
Caralot: :weep: You're killing all the cutey goodness! (she runs up and grabs his void arm.) No!
Sa'vor throws her to the ground.
Sa'vor: Commander Tal-tan, restrain her.
Caralot struggles valiantly, but the half-dragon holds her back.
Caralot: Have mercy!
Sa'vor (confused): Why?
Caralot: Because cuteness should be preserved. Can I keep just one? I know a whole lot about manipulating creatures so I can make it so that it can't breed or reproduce in any way, and I'll even put in a program so that if you tell it to shut up or talk right it'll shut up or talk right.
[SIZE=4]Please? :bigeyes: [/SIZE]
Sa'vor tries to resist, but is compelled by some force even more primal than he is aware of.
Sa'vor: *What's affecting me? I'm evil! I don't grant mercy if I don't want to.*
Caralot: [SIZE=5]:bigeyes:[/SIZE]
Sa'vor: Gah! Alright, just one. And make those modifications as soon as possible!
Caralot: Yay! (she runs off to pick out a Crystal)
Sa'vor: I hope Kanatash doesn't kill me for this.
Crow: On the plus side, now you have a skilled manipulator of genetic material happy with you.
Sa'vor: Are you going to be popping up a lot?
Crow: Actually, Silver and I will be doing a commentary on the actions of the rest of the crew.
Kithle - I was hoping for a serious contender here. Is she in love with me, faking it, or in love with a different version of me?
Satnak - I've got this new trick I want to try, see ya.
Vaporizes or pulverizes every crystal she senses on her way out.
Kithle sneaks out nervously.
Kithle - I think I'll go to Argonessan. Yes, a few weeks imitating those guys ought to relax me.
_________
Satnak - Tifa, I've been meaning to ask, since your human and the other girl was a nymph, doesn't that mean the kids should be 1/2 human and 1/2 fey, instead of full-blood pixies.
Tifa - Well...
- Puff of Logic*
Rikku - Hey we got ...
Yuna - bigger all of ...
Paine - a sudden.
Satnak - I love this trick. X3
Crow: Well, here we are.
Silver: Doing a commentary on the rest of the crew.
Crow: What's with Caralot?
Silver: The original was a psycho-b*tch queen, descended from imperialist drow who ruled a multi-planetary empire and the elves that overthrew them. Her goddess has—
Crow: Has?
Silver: You don't think the writers are going to give up on a joke like that so easily?
Crow: So her goddess has a thing for tentacles—
Silver: —and she had a thing for powerful males. Boom! Kithle.
Crow: But this Caralot is different.
Silver: She's a lover of cute things from an Eberron where everyone in Cyre got turned into some sort of monster instead of being killed.
Crow: So she can't possibly love Kithle.
Silver: He's not cute.
Crow: I think he'll be releaved.
Silver: Ever wonder how Tifa got the nymph pregnant?
Crow: The nymph got Tifa pregnant.
Silver: Oh, yeah.
Crow: Yeah, I've thought about it.
Silver: Good thing we are ultimately connected to a mind which can understand almost anything. Otherwise we'd speculate about it.
Crow: And no one wants to hear the details of that. Uh…… can we vanish in a puff of logic?
Silver: What, us? We're completly illogical.
Crow: Oh, good. I was worried for a minute.
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