Editing Reassurance

<span style="color:#800000"> '''''Thanks goes out to Andy for letting me try to explain things to Joshua. Thanks, Andy!''''' </span> 




His footsteps echoed in the hallway of the ''Gift'' as he walked towards Rina's room from the galley. He had to know.  Joshua wasn't sure he '''wanted''' to know, but he needed to find out exactly what had happened during the black spot in his memories. He had some idea from what the rest of the crew had told him. And of course, from the fact the first thing he remembered after blacking out was being rolled into the medbay tied up. ''That's never a good sign''.

Caught up in his thoughts, he found himself standing in front of her door, not even sure how long he had been standing there. When he pounded on Rina's door, it was harder than he intended, almost a demand rather than a request. The emotions were bubbling over. While he was upset, it wasn't with her. Calm down, he thought. What's done is done. It's just the aftermath now.

Joshua winced as he called out her name a little too loud. A pause and then he lowered his voice. "Rina, can I come in? I'd like to talk if you're not busy."

'''***'''

'''Monday, 02 Dec 2520''' <br>
'''Kuiper II class, ''Summer’s Gift'''''<br>
'''En route to Pericles'''<br>
'''2200hrs, ships time'''<br><br>

''Dark. Whispers. '''Pain'''. Light, so bright. Hands holding me down. Screaming. A sharp sting on my neck.  A hiss. Blessed relief as the world went away—.'

The pounding yanked me out of the dream and for a second I was back on that table in Blue Hands custody. Then my ears caught up with the rest of me and I recognized Joshua calling my name. Sucking down a deep breath against the shakes, I hit the door release and croaked, "It's open."

I levered myself up to sit on my bunk, sending several trade journals to the floor. God, I hurt. I didn't want company. But mindful of what I'd promised Joshua earlier, I wasn't about to weasel out of this. Injured or not, he deserved to know what happened.

'''***'''

Joshua opened the door and stepped in. As the door closed behind him and he got a clear look at Rina, he involuntarily took a sharp breath. She looked miserable, which shouldn't be surprising, since she'd been suffering from injuries for weeks. Plus, it looked like she had picked up a few more while Blue Sun had them. What the hell was he doing? Too damn selfish. This could've waited.

"I'm sorry." He shook his head. "You're not up for this and I should've thought about that. I'll catch you in a few days. Not like we don't have a long journey to Pericles."
As he said it, he turned towards the door. "You know where to find me. I'll let you rest."

'''***'''

"Don't you dare. You already woke me up. Make it worth my time." Pain was making me tactless and appalled I added softly, "It's okay, Joshua. Really. I'm just... Stay? Please? I'd like the company. It'll keep me from marinating."

Marinating in what, I didn't need to elaborate. He'd understand. I made room for him on my bed, drawing my knees up until my insides protested. I tried adjusting the pillow so the console wouldn't dig into my back and a sharp stab from my gut made me rethink the idea.  At least the discomfort would keep me awake and the damned dreams at bay. The less I relived that episode, the better.

'''***'''

He made his way over to her bed and sat down.  “If it would be easier, you can put your pillow in my lap and lay down.  Sitting up is probably against Arden’s orders.”

Joshua looked her up and down as he got closer.  “You look horrible.  I really shouldn’t be here.  But my brain is moving too much to even think about sleeping, unfortunately.”  He had already spent several hours sitting in his room, staring at his empty walls as ugly thoughts bounced back and forth in his head.  Considering the way the crew looked at him, he’d be best off just locking himself in his room.  But the thought of spending more time there just left his stomach queasy.  And so here he was, harassing the only person in the crew (including himself) that might trust him even a smidgen.  A fantastic excuse for a human being he was.

“I just came to find out what happened during that time I can’t remember.” He rubbed his hand across his face, trying to wipe the stress out.  “And since you were the only one there for most of it, I wanted to hear it from you.”

'''***'''

I heard his offer and took stock internally.  Everything felt shaky, as if all the bolts holding me together had been loosened a turn.  Of everyone on this boat, Joshua had seen me at my most vulnerable and there was little reason for a brave or tough front.  So I nodded gratefully and said, “Your lap would be nice, thanks.”

It took some maneuvering due to the tight space and my tender insides but we got ourselves sorted out.  When Joshua had taken my place at the head of my bed and I was prone again, I took his hand and gave it a squeeze.

“Promise me something?”

'''***'''

“I’ve been told it’s dangerous to promise without knowing what you’re promising.”  He squeezed her hand back.  “But go ahead and ask.”

'''***'''

“I won’t make you promise anything you can’t keep, but just maybe remind you of what you can.”  I sighed.  "Just promise me that you'll try not to be angry with me over what I tell you.  That you'll give yourself time to think it over.  If you think it over and you’re still angry, then I guess I had it coming.  Okay?"  

'''***'''

''What the hell had she done? Or maybe more appropriately, what the hell had he done?''

He nodded at her. "I'll try my best. Hopefully that will do."

'''***'''

''Here we go.''  I took a deep breath, winced as my ribs protested, and began.

“I don’t remember much before they hauled us out to the refinery and they were smart enough to keep us apart until then, but by the time we got there they’d already had you halfway under. You responded to simple directions well enough, went where you were told, didn’t bump into things.  It was like…” I stopped and closed my eyes to bring that day into focus.  “It was like you were there but listening really hard to a conversation in the next room.”

I squirmed at the memory and opened my eyes and looked at him.  “I thought they’d drugged you or maybe double-dosed you on your meds…But when the deal stalled, Bruno leaned over and whispered something in your ear and….”  God, I didn’t want to say it.  His self-confidence had taken a serious blow already.  I wasn’t the sort that sugarcoated anything, but for his sake I wished I could.  ''Hey, he came to you, remember?  Bad news at this point is to be expected.''

And still I dithered, unable to decide.

'''***'''

He could see that she was holding something back. They had already let him know that he hadn’t killed anyone.  How bad could it be?  “Spit it out, Rina,” he said, perhaps a little more harshly than he intended.  “I can handle it, whatever it is.”

'''***'''

His tone served as a brisk slap and my conscience did the rest.

"You weren't there anymore. Lights on. Nobody home. You were gone. "


'''***'''

"So, personality wiped. That's why everyone is looking at me that way?" It felt right, but not quite all there. It didn't feel like that was enough for the kind of reaction that the events of Meridian had provoked. Still unsettling. It was one thing to know that he might have some sort of hidden trigger. Another for it actually to happen and have who he was vanish. But they had seen him borrow Jackson. They should know that Joshua was capable of having who he was submerged. It wasn't enough.

'''***'''
 
"Not...exactly," I sighed. Joshua was too observant, too smart to hoodwink, even without resorting to Reading. And I wasn't much of a liar in any case. "There's more to it than that."

'''***''' 

"Go on..." All the pussyfooting around the topic was making Joshua more nervous. He felt himself start to clasp her hand a little tighter and he forced himself to loosen his grip.

'''***'''

"So there we were, three stories above the ground at the refinery and Nika and Arden are on the catwalk with us. And the bargaining starts. Bruno's not budging. He wants Arden. So he triggers you, puts a gun in your hand and tells you to shoot me if the others resist." I paused. There was no way to say what happened next except to say it. "I saw you change and I knew I couldn't snap you out of it. Not unless you'd followed through on your orders. So I stepped inside your guard, kissed you goodbye, put the gun to my gut and pulled the trigger."

'''***'''

There was no way he could have heard that right and he let go of her hand in surprise. "You..." The words would not seem to come to him, lodged in his throat like a piece of food gone down the wrong pipe. He had always thought the expression seeing red was metaphorical, but here he was with a red haze draping over the room like a sheet of blood.

Joshua took a deep breath in and closed his eyes for a second as he tried to calm himself down enough to spit the words out. "You...made me shoot you?"

'''***'''

“In a manner of speaking.”  I bit my lip and reached up to caress his face.  His beard tickled my fingers and I could feel his pulse pounding in his throat.  “I was nothing but leverage.  Shoot the hostage, remove the leverage, and give the others a chance to fight back.  It’s really quite simple, Joshua.  It’s math.  One life for three.”

'''***'''

"Fuck the math!" His voice escalated and Joshua could feel himself tensing up, arm muscles tightening as he thought about it. And as they did, he suddenly realized that he was the reason she looked like crap and he found himself scanning her body for the wound from the gun. His stomach got very queasy and he almost threw up into his mouth before managing to force the reflex down.

Joshua tilted his head so he could look at Rina in her eyes, his voice raspy from emotion and the burning from forcing the stomach acid back down his throat. "I could've killed you, Rina. How could you do that to me? Might as well just pulled the knife across my throat yourself whenever I snapped out of the gorram trance." He was SO angry. Some of that anger was aimed at her...and she deserved it. But if he was honest? She was just convenient. The real person at fault that deserved all that anger was him for causing the situation in the first place.

'''***'''

“Don’t go there,” I said, putting a finger to his lips and pressing hard. I searched his face, trying to find some way to explain it that would get past his misplaced guilt, and as usual nothing but the unvarnished truth stepped up to the plate. “Your orders were to shoot if anyone resisted.  I didn’t resist. I went willingly. You didn’t shoot me.  ''I'' shot me.  My finger.  My choice.  You were just holding the gun for me.”  

I breathed a laugh and tapped his nose gently.

“Of course, with Arden right there I reckoned I still had a chance.  He is a doctor after all.”

'''***''' 

"Does it matter if I shot you or you made me shoot you? Would it have mattered to me as I stood over your corpse?" Something occurred to him as he said it. A deep, sickening thought with the horrible sheen of truth clinging to it.

"Rina," he said, his voice a quiet, empty calm. "Did I resist at all? At any point? When I shot you? When you were lying bleeding out in front of me? Was there any sign of me at all?"

'''***'''


“I didn’t give you the chance,” I said, velvet over steel. I knew what he was angling for.  I refused to let him have it.  I gently took his chin, gave it a little shake, and modulated my tone. “It was the only way I could pull it off.  It was a gamble, but I’m still here.” I pulled my shirt up to my ribs, fingered the scar, deceptively small considering the job it did on me.  “Best as I can piece it together, it must have been some sort of slug, a Gauss gun maybe.  Who the hell knows?  It’s not like Blue Sun’s never used experimental weapons before.”

'''***'''

If there had been anything left of who he was, holding the gun in his hand, he wouldn't have shot her, no matter what she said. They had wiped him clean, left nothing of what made him Joshua. Still human, but an empty shell. And with that realization, the anger instantly went from red hot to ice cold and buried itself in his gut. If I can't control who I am, he thought, then maybe it is time for me to find some place away from here where I can't hurt them...her.

He ran a hand through her hair. "Okay," he said quietly.

'''***'''

Something changed in him. I could feel it in the stroke of his hand, see something turn behind his eyes. Looking at him narrowly I asked, "What are you thinking?"

'''***'''

"Can I be both machine and human at the same time, Rina?" He paused, his hand in her hair, staring off vacantly in the distance, lost in his thoughts. "From what you're saying, they flipped my switch as easily as you'd turn off a light. One second I'm me, the next nothing of me exists. Nothing at all. Empty inside, all the way down."

'''***'''

I sat up despite the pain it cost me, and took his face in my hands.

"I don't believe it. Not for one Goddamned second. If I believed otherwise, you would ''never'' have gotten past my door." I kissed him, trying to make him understand where words failed.

'''***'''

Joshua let himself fall into her kiss and took brief comfort in it. But the thoughts churning in his brain wouldn't let go and he broke away from her lips. "It's different when I borrow, you know. Even then, there is always something left of me inside. Something that remembers. I didn't think that could be shut off." 

As he looked into her face, he was sure she could see the pain written all over his. "But did I help you when I shot you? Or did I just stand there waiting for my next command? What you tell me I did goes against everything that I believe. And I don't even remember it."

If he couldn't trust himself not to betray the things that mattered most to him, how could the crew trust him? Joshua wanted to stay on board so badly. Selfish desires raising their ugly heads. But if he really cared about the crew, he needed to do what they should have done already and cut himself loose. He just didn't know if he had the strength.

'''***'''

The angle and twist of my position was killing me and I had to shift to take the strain off. I fetched up athwart my bunk and drew up my knees, planted my arms on them and sighed. I tipped my head against the bulkhead and closed my eyes, thinking back to that day on the platform.

"Things went pretty quickly. You have to understand, I was down on the deck by then and Arden was moving to take your gun. While he was busy doing that, I was trying for a leg sweep." I snorted a laugh and instantly regretted it. I waited for the pain to pass and hedged. "I think I passed out at that point."

I opened my eyes and looked at him.

"As for if there was anything of you left? I pulled that stunt with your gun because I believed there was. I completely believed that once that gun went off, task fulfilled, you'd snap out of it. I can't point to any concrete evidence, drag up any proof, to support my belief...but in the end it didn't matter. Belief was enough to get me through it. Look," I sighed. "God and I don't talk much anymore and when I do it's usually to bitch at the cussedness of things, but I haven't discounted God or the value of faith altogether when determining outcomes. Too much happens in this Universe that can't be explained any other way. It may not be the hard evidence we’re accustomed to but you can't dismiss the fact that weird shit happens against all the laws of science and common sense combined and people survive. Chalk what I did up to that and let it go. I did."

I took his hand and laced my fingers through his. I ran my thumb across his, feeling the bone and sinew of him, the power of his grip and the restraint behind it. Even now he did everything he could to spare me pain, even when I didn't need him to.

"I know that's not exactly what you wanted to hear, Joshua, and I don't have the words to describe what I feel. I don't think there are any. I just believe, down to the last atom of my being, that you were not yourself but you still existed that day. That somewhere you were buried and couldn't get out, but you were still there."

I gave our conjoined hands a little shake.

"In the end, what matters most is I trust you. I want you here, with me, with us, more than I want you gone. I believe in the human spirit, Joshua, and there is nothing—'''''nothing'''''—that you can't accomplish so long as you believe you can. I would never have survived this far if I didn't. You would not have, if you didn't. It's not a matter of head, it's a matter of heart. And what I see in front of me a man with a lot of heart. If only he'd believe."

'''***'''

She believed in him even when he didn't believe in himself, trusted him when he didn't deserve the trust. Made more powerful because of its rarity, her unrelenting faith in him was what would make him stay. If he stayed with the ''Gift'', it wouldn't be the only reason. But it would be the main one.

"I still think the ship would be safer with me elsewhere." He said it quietly, as if he knew already it was a losing argument. "But thank you for being more than I deserve. Mike's a very lucky man.”

Joshua leaned forward to kiss her on the forehead. He let the quiet of the room wash over him as he held her hands, knowing the moment would end sooner than he'd like. Rina needed some alone time so she could heal. And maybe while the physical wound Joshua caused was healing, he could find a way to heal the gashes Blue Sun had inflicted upon his soul.

'''***'''




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