Editing Journal Entry: One Long Night

<b>January 06, 2521<br>
God knows what time it is<br>
The pure darkness of Rubicon<br></b>


I sit here at the shore of the lake of oil and stare into it, a mirrored pool with no reflection. The drugs...lack of drugs has begun to take its toll on me. Being focused enough to write this journal entry is a triumph. The physical withdrawal symptoms have gotten worse. I've gone for hours without blinking, staring off into space unaware of anything or anyone. I've stopped helping Rina with tools. I can't hold them steady anymore and I don't want to worry her. My sleep is restless, always riding on the surface, never hitting deep sleep. I'm getting flashes of people's thoughts all the time, no matter where they are.

And the dreams are constant.

Sometimes I can tell they aren't mine. Flashes of unfamiliar places, unfamiliar people.. A Core hospital - is it Valerie or is it Arden dreaming? A warm hug from Lem? That's probably Rina. The dreams filled with blood and guilt? I want to say it's Blondie...but it could be any of us..

That's the way of it most of the time, confused about who's dreaming. Images of Meridian and Muir and New Canaan. Are they my dreams or someone else's? And it all bleeds over into the waking. I'm beginning to wonder if maybe everything in the last few days is just someone's dream. Mind control? Assassinations? Secret caverns underneath the surface of the planet? Perhaps I fell asleep on the couch watching a spy movie on the Cortex.

I don't feel like I'm in real life. Everything has a hyper reality to it. I can feel the individual grains of stone that make up the cavern floor. See the individual blond strands of hair on Nika's head. Hear every echo of every conversation we have in this rocky hole. Has the act of going off the drugs heightened my perception? Or am I living in a fever dream of all the things I feared and wanted in one big chaotic pile? Blue Hands agents. Rubicon. A woman to love. Loss of my individuality. Answers about who I am and potentially where I came from. A family. Will I wake up in my bed in the Academy, having dreamed the events of the Summer's Gift in one long dream filled night?

I told Valerie I had faith it would all work itself out. Of course I do. In a dream, don't we always know that we're going to come out of it okay in the end? We are always the heroes of our own dreamland adventures. And the last 6 months have been a strange adventure indeed, but one with characters that I love.  I hope this is all reality. If it is a dream, then let me never wake up.