Editing Alexandra Etapaq (section)

===Those we leave behind===

Alexandra sits in front of her tent, she smokes and drinks and watches the smoldering fires in the distance. 

Footsteps behind her stop. 

"You know they are leaving right?"

Alexandra shrugs

"as well they should, if they don't like my ways, it wasn't their war to begin with. Wasn't mine either, but at least i'm starting to have fun. "

Shaz Far sits down near her on an empty chair. 

"So you will continue. " 

Alexandra hands him the bottle she was drinking from 

"Why not, it is not that i have anything else to do. Seems Azcala keeps being an issue, so why not. I don't like to leave unfinished bussines behind. "

Shaz Far laughs "Hm you seem to still care enough to finish it, or that this place is a problem, for someone saying she doesn't care or feel. "

Alexandra looks angry at Shaz Far and fire starts to lick her fingers and hands. 

Shaz Far laughs even louder "Oh please, kitten, that doesn't harm me and you know it. You are just getting familiar with this, i have lived with it for ages. For me it's nature. For you it is turmoil. "

Alexandra grabs the bottle back and takes a big drink. 
"Shut up. Don't lecture me. They've done that enough. And yes, i am a walking contradiction. All i am is angry, frustrated. " 
Alexandra stands up and starts pacing while drinking and smoking.

"I started no questioning anything, loyal to Amber, to the crown, to the unicorn. Everything. 
That moment you dragged me through the lava, at Laravella her place. That is the moment everything changed. Slowly. But things started to change. 
I thought i could just continue with my normal way of doing things. But noone looked at me the same way. Everyone suddenly expected more of me. 
My accomplishments meant absolutly nothing. Or got stolen from me. "

She stands before Shaz and points with her bottle. 

"You know, there is a shadow of Amber. Where Deirdre is the ruler and all beasts and monsters come from. I found it. Followed the stakes that lead the beasts through shadow. Lead an whole army. Found a shadow version of myself which was a bit unsettling. 
Solved the problem. 
And who came running in, and adopted a dragon and showed it off in Amber. Duncan. The asshole. He was then all celebrated and the talk of the town as he could start a freaking dragon Weir in Amber. 
And i got to do double the work as Duncan was busy recruiting people for the Dragons. 
After that he took me to Chaos. To spend some time. But that was just the beginning of the end."

Alexandra continues to pace. 

"So then i think i keep my nose clean, lead the Rangers. Keep Arden organized, keep the conflicts away and care for the land and people. 
But i kept failing at that. 
Then i realized. What the hell am i doing.
So i let myself be talked into doing this... but what am i doing here? For who? Noone cares what happens here. " 

She looks at Shaz Far who seems to be listening with amusement. 

"Yeah yeah, i sound like a spoiled brat and i know that hearing myself as well. But when you do all these things for others thinking there would be some appreciation, there isn't. Even royalty needs a pat on the back. 
As an elite it was simple. I would get promoted, perks, rewards. It made all way  more sense. Now i am just looked as a pathetic excuse of a royal who can't find her footing. 

SO i figured. Perhaps my footing isn't in Amber anymore. Perhaps i need to just go and figure shit out for myself. "

She hands the bottle back to Shaz but realizes it is empty and takes another from the crate opening it, drinking from it and then handing it to him. 

Shaz blinks 
"You are truely a basket case. Thankfully you got your looks working for you."
Alexandra flips him off but says nothing. 

"So you figure shit out by burning a tier of Azcala down. Why not. You do not hear me complaining, it was quite amusing what you pulled at the warehouse. I think you pushed some people away from you there. 

But seems you do not mind that fact do you?

So.... what were your ambitions as a young Alexandra. What did you hope to become?"

Alexandra looks surprised. 
"I don't know, i was already an elite, Guard to the Royalty that is quite a rank to manage at my age. 
But i had hoped to switch to Ranger. Perhaps somewhere in command, i had been trained by Julian. I think i felt even more presure to show him i was doing well then anyone else. "

Shaz Far snorts
"Julian, right the guy who up and left everything behind, to follow his dick. Great rollmodel."

Alexandra looks at him with a look of slight annoyance. 

"I know perhaps not the best. But who else at that time? Now... i don't know. I don't look up to anyone anymore. Well not figuratively. Physically.. yeah. You are taller then me. 
And... my god have you met Alexandir Kos Korag? That guy is enormous! "

Alexandra starts to laugh

"Ah that too. I was send with an important mission, dire need to bring this message to Alexander. So me and Scully rode like the wind. 
Coming there he already knew shrugged it of and left. 
Talk about feeling used, and feeling absolutly useless. 
So that Nur Al Din can stuff it with his dire messages. "

She sits down again and lights another cigarrette offering one to Shaz. 

"So you know, i stop doing good, because clearly i suck at it. I just do me now. How dirty that might sound."