Editing Carl Ellis September 1928 - Diary
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It was nice to see Maddy again, although I fear all of my grim news rather put a damper on some of the pleasure. She is well; she is happy, more or less, thogh her exercises proceed only slowly. Maddy wants to be a healer. Well, we certainly could use a few just now!<br><br> | It was nice to see Maddy again, although I fear all of my grim news rather put a damper on some of the pleasure. She is well; she is happy, more or less, thogh her exercises proceed only slowly. Maddy wants to be a healer. Well, we certainly could use a few just now!<br><br> | ||
''Tuesday, 4 Sept 28; 8:30 PM;''<br><br> | ''Tuesday, 4 Sept 28; 8:30 PM;''<br><br> | ||
− | Many letters today. Most | + | Many letters today. Most worrisone is the one from Grimaldi. Tony! Are you all right, my friend? So worried, so upset ... and you do not yet even know the worst!<br><br> |
I shudder at his nightmare. Such a vivid disaster! And what a great loss it would be, to all of us.... yet, in some perverse way it gives me hope. Tomy is always so insular, so unwilling to share others except as a "statement" -- is this the first crack in the wall? Tony, we love you. Do not consign yourself to doom.,<br><br> | I shudder at his nightmare. Such a vivid disaster! And what a great loss it would be, to all of us.... yet, in some perverse way it gives me hope. Tomy is always so insular, so unwilling to share others except as a "statement" -- is this the first crack in the wall? Tony, we love you. Do not consign yourself to doom.,<br><br> | ||
Laszlo's note also disturbs me deeply. Eighty years! They have been doing their gate research at Eveling for ''eighty years''! What on Earth or off of it can they be seeking for all that time with such single-minded fervor? And why have they not found it? Who was Rory's wife, Laurence's mother? What happened to her? <br><br> | Laszlo's note also disturbs me deeply. Eighty years! They have been doing their gate research at Eveling for ''eighty years''! What on Earth or off of it can they be seeking for all that time with such single-minded fervor? And why have they not found it? Who was Rory's wife, Laurence's mother? What happened to her? <br><br> | ||
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''Wednesday, 5 Sept 28; 6:30 PM;''<br><br> | ''Wednesday, 5 Sept 28; 6:30 PM;''<br><br> | ||
Whew! A long day of letters, both sending and receiving. We hardly got started on the feeders at all. Thank goodness Adam works well without supervision; they may be sloppy but they will do the job.<br><br> | Whew! A long day of letters, both sending and receiving. We hardly got started on the feeders at all. Thank goodness Adam works well without supervision; they may be sloppy but they will do the job.<br><br> | ||
− | Boy my hand aches. I hope it will all be useful: | + | Boy my hand aches. I hope it will all be useful: paclages for nearly everyone, invitations to the Gathering; ad for the select few the notes about field discipline.<br><br> |
− | Tomorrow I go to see the ticket agent. Poor fellow, what I will give to him in one afternoon! (heh heh...) Complete itinerary, times and tickets.... then I shall cancel almost all of them and buy directly from the lines and rails themselves. Still, a couple of | + | Tomorrow I go to see the ticket agent. Poor fellow, what I will give to him in one afternoon! (heh heh...) Complete itinerary, times and tickets.... then I shall cancel almost all of them and buy directly from the lines and rails themselves. Still, a couple of hundrd dollars will surely not be regarded as an irritant.<br><br> |
Took the load down to post, and there was another note from Laszlo! Where ''does'' he find the time? So I whipped off a quick reply right then and there and added it to the outgoing ... and Tony caught me on the drive coming home with his mental call! Are we not social butterflies? But it certainly ''is'' good to hear from him! Also to know he is all right.<br><br> | Took the load down to post, and there was another note from Laszlo! Where ''does'' he find the time? So I whipped off a quick reply right then and there and added it to the outgoing ... and Tony caught me on the drive coming home with his mental call! Are we not social butterflies? But it certainly ''is'' good to hear from him! Also to know he is all right.<br><br> | ||
− | It seemed like a long talk, asd such things often do. He was all done with the frights, though still upset with the way things turned out down there. It sounds as if their group had fewer problems than ours, but ones of the same kind. I had not the heart to fill hiim in on all the awfulness we went through here -- but it did affect me in that I found it difficult to be as alarmed as he obviously was. Although I was worried for Tony and for Laszlo and Carl, the success of the mission seemed a | + | It seemed like a long talk, asd such things often do. He was all done with the frights, though still upset with the way things turned out down there. It sounds as if their group had fewer problems than ours, but ones of the same kind. I had not the heart to fill hiim in on all the awfulness we went through here -- but it did affect me in that I found it difficult to be as alarmed as he obviously was. Although I was worried for Tony and for Laszlo and Carl, the success of the mission seemed a fait accompli; I could not feel his worries. <br><br> |
Poor Tony. We spoke at length, but not about Eveling. He is sending me a package of stuff, I suppose we shall speak again when it arrives. For the nonce we spoke about each other, and about Power and the Vow. I hope it helped him. He seemed excited about some of the things I said, though with Tony it is sometimes hard to tell. He is worried about Crossing for the wrong reasons; I forgot to tell him that, while one may take the Promise for any reason or none, one may not ''truly'' Cross Over unless one already knows the reason and the answer. Sleep tight, little Prince; do not move hastily.<br><br> | Poor Tony. We spoke at length, but not about Eveling. He is sending me a package of stuff, I suppose we shall speak again when it arrives. For the nonce we spoke about each other, and about Power and the Vow. I hope it helped him. He seemed excited about some of the things I said, though with Tony it is sometimes hard to tell. He is worried about Crossing for the wrong reasons; I forgot to tell him that, while one may take the Promise for any reason or none, one may not ''truly'' Cross Over unless one already knows the reason and the answer. Sleep tight, little Prince; do not move hastily.<br><br> | ||
''8:30 PM, same day;''<br><br> | ''8:30 PM, same day;''<br><br> | ||
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Nothing.<br><br> | Nothing.<br><br> | ||
It took me three more tries, two hours, before I got another nibble; rather like hunting for an elusive prey (or trout fishing!) but inside of myself, looking for the proper way out. And when I found it, prepared this time, lowered myself down into the flow....<br><br> | It took me three more tries, two hours, before I got another nibble; rather like hunting for an elusive prey (or trout fishing!) but inside of myself, looking for the proper way out. And when I found it, prepared this time, lowered myself down into the flow....<br><br> | ||
− | It is difficult to describe my experience there. No screaming nonsense this time, THAT must have been my fault; but so FAST! so INTENSE! and URGENT mindless SELFless NOW NOW NOW as SNAPPP! the needs and hungers and lives blossom and SNAPPP! they are gone again! | + | It is difficult to describe my experience there. No screaming nonsense this time, THAT must have been my fault; but so FAST! so INTENSE! and URGENT mindless SELFless NOW NOW NOW as SNAPPP! the needs and hungers and lives blossom and SNAPPP! they are gone again! HOwmany? How fast? Impossible to say. Too many, too fast, for me to notice or to count; and I with no I there, no awareness of my own, just part of the flow and no way back or even way to want to leave....<br><br> |
It ended, a long time later, sitting there beneath my tree, drained dry and tired. Amazed.<br><br> | It ended, a long time later, sitting there beneath my tree, drained dry and tired. Amazed.<br><br> | ||
After a while of getting used to thinking again (how strange the body feels!) I began to mull over what I had seen. So many lives; and they grow and die so fast! ''Too'' fast actually; I know that the small ones that are part of that flow do not live such short lives.<br><br> | After a while of getting used to thinking again (how strange the body feels!) I began to mull over what I had seen. So many lives; and they grow and die so fast! ''Too'' fast actually; I know that the small ones that are part of that flow do not live such short lives.<br><br> | ||
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And Marklin is ours, if we truly want him. How violent she is, how vehement indeed! "There is no man within him, merely an empty skin filled with crawling horror....!"<br><br> | And Marklin is ours, if we truly want him. How violent she is, how vehement indeed! "There is no man within him, merely an empty skin filled with crawling horror....!"<br><br> | ||
Bait him and trap him -- but let him not approach. She is afraid for me. For ''me''. Thank you, Miriam; you gift me greatly. I do beware.<br><br> | Bait him and trap him -- but let him not approach. She is afraid for me. For ''me''. Thank you, Miriam; you gift me greatly. I do beware.<br><br> | ||
− | A couple of days ago I received a curious gift. An article from some unnamed newspaper about the death of Paul | + | A couple of days ago I received a curious gift. An article from some unnamed newspaper about the death of Paul Kinnerly. But who sent it? It was mailed from Evansville, Ind. on the afternoon of the First, so I suppose any of the Madisonville people could have nipped out and sent it. But whoever did so, sent it to my box ''here'', not in Emeryville... a box I have almost never used. I did not even think anyone still knew about the box! So who sent this? I have asked, but expect no quick replies.<br><br> |
− | It | + | It occured to me last night that I have been conducting my voyages to the Circle of the small-life in a rather un-organized fashion, and that I have not discussed it much in these pages. I should like to remedy that lack, starting here.<br><br> |
− | A month or so ago, I | + | A month or so ago, I discoverd a trick of sorts, a way of "dropping out of suspension" from above the patterns of the Dance and sort of diving towards them. Unfortunately, one loses track of all of it during the move, and so I found myself floundering nowhere in particular, with nothing to do but go back. <br><br> |
It is curious. I had not expected to find such opacity here; expected, indeed, to find that things got more obvious when I approached them, not the reverse!<br><br> | It is curious. I had not expected to find such opacity here; expected, indeed, to find that things got more obvious when I approached them, not the reverse!<br><br> | ||
This is ... different. Have I gotten something wrong? No way to tell as yet. But:<br><br> | This is ... different. Have I gotten something wrong? No way to tell as yet. But:<br><br> | ||
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Then, of course, all of this must be remembered later, so as best to write it all down when one is done. It is like memorizing a script -- or, rather, memorizing a play in which one acts, in which all but oneself KNOW the parts, but I must find my proper lines and blocking within the gaps and glances of the other actors. Each new beginning brings me further; and each time I am more familiar with the places I have been before. And at the end -- at last! -- success. The entry of the Circle; the wild maelstrom of identity and understanding I have already described.<br><br> | Then, of course, all of this must be remembered later, so as best to write it all down when one is done. It is like memorizing a script -- or, rather, memorizing a play in which one acts, in which all but oneself KNOW the parts, but I must find my proper lines and blocking within the gaps and glances of the other actors. Each new beginning brings me further; and each time I am more familiar with the places I have been before. And at the end -- at last! -- success. The entry of the Circle; the wild maelstrom of identity and understanding I have already described.<br><br> | ||
It took me days to do as much as touch the Circle for the first time. Yesterday, having studied my notes, it still took me four tries and several hours to touch it again. But each time I am quicker and surer, and it will be easier in the future.<br><br> | It took me days to do as much as touch the Circle for the first time. Yesterday, having studied my notes, it still took me four tries and several hours to touch it again. But each time I am quicker and surer, and it will be easier in the future.<br><br> | ||
− | And most importantly, I think, each time I have walked that path, success or fail, I have come away with an increased sense of familiarity with both the path and the Circle it approaches. It is as though the path is somehow a diagram of the | + | And most importantly, I think, each time I have walked that path, success or fail, I have come away with an increased sense of familiarity with both the path and the Circle it approaches. It is as though the path is somehow a diagram of the eseential nature of the Circle itself; a nature I must partake of if I am to merge with that level of the Dance.<br><br> |
That certainly makes sense, according to what I know of Power! Like the Vow -- but different.<br><br> | That certainly makes sense, according to what I know of Power! Like the Vow -- but different.<br><br> | ||
Again and again; the same things in different places. Hmm.<br><br> | Again and again; the same things in different places. Hmm.<br><br> | ||
''Monday, 10 Sept 28; 5:00 PM; ''<br><br> | ''Monday, 10 Sept 28; 5:00 PM; ''<br><br> | ||
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''10:00 PM, same day;''<br><br> | ''10:00 PM, same day;''<br><br> | ||
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''Tuesday, 11 Sept 28; 7:30 PM; ''<br><br> | ''Tuesday, 11 Sept 28; 7:30 PM; ''<br><br> | ||
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''Wednesday, 12 Sept 28; 9:00 PM; ''<br><br> | ''Wednesday, 12 Sept 28; 9:00 PM; ''<br><br> | ||
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''Thursday, 13 Sept 28; 9:30 PM; ''<br><br> | ''Thursday, 13 Sept 28; 9:30 PM; ''<br><br> | ||
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''Friday, 14 Sept 28; 7:00 PM; ''<br><br> | ''Friday, 14 Sept 28; 7:00 PM; ''<br><br> | ||
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''Saturday, 15 Sept 28; 9:15 AM; ''<br><br> | ''Saturday, 15 Sept 28; 9:15 AM; ''<br><br> | ||
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''Same day, 9:30 PM; Northbound.''<br><br> | ''Same day, 9:30 PM; Northbound.''<br><br> | ||
Gifted with Grace, huh? Bother it all. I am getting tired of folks looking at me and nodding sagely, as if to confirm some privately granted opinion or perception! Rightly or wrongly does not matter, but what the Devil do they see that is so obvious -- and how did they all get to be able to see it?<br><br> | Gifted with Grace, huh? Bother it all. I am getting tired of folks looking at me and nodding sagely, as if to confirm some privately granted opinion or perception! Rightly or wrongly does not matter, but what the Devil do they see that is so obvious -- and how did they all get to be able to see it?<br><br> | ||
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''Monday, 17 Sept 28; 4:00 PM; Montana''<br><br> | ''Monday, 17 Sept 28; 4:00 PM; Montana''<br><br> | ||
Another hour or two and we arrive. I find myself edgy, nervous. What will he be like? What will they? What about the scandalous child?<br><br> | Another hour or two and we arrive. I find myself edgy, nervous. What will he be like? What will they? What about the scandalous child?<br><br> | ||
− | Outt is the only one left, I think. The last of the true Old Guard, the only one who might be able to tell me what they were like from the inside: how things worked during the "Golden Age" before the Great War. How old is he? Did he know Riswold? Harden? Was he there in '84, and does he know what ''really'' | + | Outt is the only one left, I think. The last of the true Old Guard, the only one who might be able to tell me what they were like from the inside: how things worked during the "Golden Age" before the Great War. How old is he? Did he know Riswold? Harden? Was he there in '84, and does he know what ''really'' happend to PF's family -- or how Harden died? <br><br> |
How can I have the gall to approach this man? What right have I to disturb him? I have no power to wave the Farquellian banner before him. His tenure is at least of twenty years, and I am a child of three. <br><br> | How can I have the gall to approach this man? What right have I to disturb him? I have no power to wave the Farquellian banner before him. His tenure is at least of twenty years, and I am a child of three. <br><br> | ||
What do I want from him, besides everything? Permission to proceed? Knowledge of why he stopped? Yes, and more. But I have as yet done nothing to earn his help.<br><br> | What do I want from him, besides everything? Permission to proceed? Knowledge of why he stopped? Yes, and more. But I have as yet done nothing to earn his help.<br><br> | ||
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The child is uncanny. Solemnly AWARE at age three, and WHAT does he see? His motives are his own. A Child of Power indeed – and if I recall, was he not sired on Sandoo? <br><br> | The child is uncanny. Solemnly AWARE at age three, and WHAT does he see? His motives are his own. A Child of Power indeed – and if I recall, was he not sired on Sandoo? <br><br> | ||
Hm. He likes to watch J. Hm. <br><br> | Hm. He likes to watch J. Hm. <br><br> | ||
− | There were several things about the man about which I was warned. Some of them he is aware of; others, I shall not mention. Did not. Even though it seemed | + | There were several things about the man about which I was warned. Some of them he is aware of; others, I shall not mention. Did not. Even though it seemed crusl, the cruelty would have been greater had it come up. I think. <br><br> |
We talked about many things. An awful lot of them have already faded from memory – so I shall jot down what I do recall here. <br><br> | We talked about many things. An awful lot of them have already faded from memory – so I shall jot down what I do recall here. <br><br> | ||
Rachael will be trouble, he says. There have been other youngsters Avowed in the history of the Family, he told me; and almost always their transition to adolescence has been painful and strife-ridden; often ending in tragedy. Watch out, he says. In a year, two at most, perhaps sooner, it will begin. <br><br> | Rachael will be trouble, he says. There have been other youngsters Avowed in the history of the Family, he told me; and almost always their transition to adolescence has been painful and strife-ridden; often ending in tragedy. Watch out, he says. In a year, two at most, perhaps sooner, it will begin. <br><br> |