Editing Finding Their Way

<span style="color:#800000"> '''''Extra special kudos to Andy for going all the way and back with me on this one.  Damn, is there no mountain you can't climb?  LOL.  Thanks, Andy!--Maer''''' </span><br><br><br><br>


<br><br>

'''Tuesday, 19 Aug 2521'''<br>
'''Kuiper II class, ''Summer’s Gift'''''<br>
'''Pericles Station, Blue Sun (Qing Long) system'''<br><br>


We somehow got Joshua back to the Gift without being detained by the station personnel. No mean feat, considering he was damned bloody and Kiera and Arden besides.  Still, we got him stabilized and held him up between us like a passed out drunk being escorted home and we made it to the Gift without interference.  Once installed in med bay, Kiera and Arden started hustling and I heard Kiera hissing as she furiously scrubbed up at the sink.<br><br>

"Ain't got the sense he was born with! Hell, too damn stupid to come in outta the rain!"  More splashing and cursing. "Hell, I saw Nika's clue by four. Woman has eyes like lasers! Couldn't just run or use some sense?"  Kiera turned to me and snarled, "Told ya to put him on a leash!"<br><br>

I drew breath to respond but didn’t get a chance.<br><br>

"Don't say nuthin! Your standing there won't do nothin' but scare you more. He'll need you once he fixed!" She punctuated the comment with the first snap of her right glove and then snapped the other in place with a green glare.<br><br>

I left them to it, knowing I’d only get in the way and truth be told, I couldn’t bear to watch.  That’s pretty funny, my inner critic snarked as I hit the stairs down to the lower decks.  You can watch Rava and Arden cut up a body at an autopsy, but you can’t stand the idea of a little surgery?  It’s not so little, I growled back at it.  There wasn’t a single place on the human body it was good to get wounded but of them all, shoulders were one of the worst.  Too many critical elements came to a junction at the shoulder, in nerves and bone and sinew.  I should know.  More than two years after Miranda my shoulder still pained me if I pushed it too hard or demanded a challenging angle for leverage.  Not that the logic quelled the voice in my head one bit.<br><br>  

''You had his back.  You failed to keep it. You could have done better.'' <br><br>

Kiera’s comments had hit their mark and it was a rout, plain and simple. I’d had the presence of mind to swipe one of the stunners from the scene and shove it down my coveralls and I knew I had to get it stowed in the weapons locker. It made a perfectly legitimate reason to be down there away from the others and once off the stairs, it took less than a minute.  Stepping out of the locker, the memory of Christian in a stand-off with Grimes surfaced and for a second I was there, now three years past, with Grimes’s nose splintering under my fist.  If that blow hadn’t killed him, connecting with the bulkhead opposite had and it didn’t take much effort to see the red smear his head painted all the way to the deck.  I looked down and saw Joshua’s blood on me. It stained my hands, wreathing my knuckles with red.  My coveralls were peppered with it and I could feel it on my skin where it soaked through.<br><br> 

''You had his back.  You failed to keep it. You '''should''' have done better.''<br><br> 

I could have.  Fei Li Khan had had it right: mine were the hands of a killer, if I chose. Against a normal opponent, they might have been.  Against one of the stitches?  It would have been suicide and even in the depths of self-recrimination, I knew it was true.  I had been stuck at the back of the party and there was a sniper on high.  I did the only thing that made sense at the time: get under cover and find a way to the high ground to take the sniper out.  The odds were better.<br><br>

As a tactic, it worked, though I couldn’t take credit for neutralizing the sniper.  Getting myself on top of the container did give me a better view of the battle field even as it kept me out of the immediate fray. It also forced the enemy to come at me one at a time, reducing the risk considerably.  With the battle over and myself removed from the scene, I cursed myself for not explaining the tactic to Joshua beforehand.  Had I, I might have had a partner on that container with me and we might have been able to coordinate our movements better.  Instead, we fought with our usual scattershot approach and as usual we somehow made it through alive.  Alive but not unscathed, as Joshua’s blood on me proved.  I blinked the memories away and came back to the present to find myself hunkered down with my back to the weapons locker door.<br><br>  

''Get up.  Get busy.  Go.''<br><br>

I hauled my ass off the deck and pulled myself up the stairs.  I wanted to change and shower Joshua’s blood off me before hitting the engine room. I’d neglected to run my daily dozen before we took off on our run and it would keep me gainfully occupied while I waited for news of Joshua.<br><br><br><br>

'''Wednesday, 20 Aug 2521'''<br><br><br>

Twelve hours later, the word came in: all clear.  I quit the passenger lounge where I’d taken up waiting to see him.  Joshua was pale, his eyes dark smudges against the pallor of his skin. His chest was bare where it wasn’t swathed in bandages, mercifully hiding his injury from view.  Wires and tubes snaked under the sheets, IVs claimed both his arms.  I took it all in from the threshold, stricken by the sight of him.  I watched Kiera gathering the instruments for the autoclave, wadding the sheets—God, so much blood—for the laundry bag, pulling the scrub cap from her sweaty hair and fluffing it.  She caught my eye and gave me a silent nod. <br><br> 

I moved to Joshua’s side and took his right hand in mine.  It was cold and I drew the covers further up his chest.  His hair was damp and stroking it, I caught the scent of citrus and sandalwood: Kiera’s doing.  I watched his face, saw no reaction to my touch.  I thought back to another man I’d loved frozen and unresponsive under my hands and tried not to draw parallels.  I hooked a rolling chair with my foot and got it under me and settled at Joshua’s side.  I held his hand, stroked his hair, and hoped that somehow he could feel me.  To this day I cannot say how long I sat there.  I only know that I did until fatigue from the past 24 hours finally claimed me and I slept, my head on the mattress at his side, his hand entwined in mine.<br><br>

--- 

Joshua opened his eyes to the sight of the medbay ceiling. His shoulder ached unmercifully, although turning a single eye to the swath of bandages surrounding it made him suspect powerful drugs were keeping it from being much worse. At least you're not dead, he thought.<br><br>

He couldn't feel his left arm hardly at all, but in his right hand, he could feel the presence of another hand. He turned his head and then immediately regretted it as a sharp stab of pain ran through his shoulder and neck. He bit his lip to keep from screaming. When the pain subsided, he instead moved only his eyes to see Rina, asleep with her head next to his side. It looked like she had been there a while. He didn't want to wake her, but he needed to know how everyone else was. "Rina, can you hear me? Sorry to wake you but can you tell me how long I've been out? And whether everyone else is okay?"<br><br>

---

''He made no sound, I had no warning. Mike struck out and had me in a sleeper hold between one breath and the next. I slammed a fist on his elbow to loosen his grip. Anyone else would have jerked away, numbed to the wrist. Not Mike. His forearm tightened around my neck and I felt the blood in my head go thin.''<br><br>

''"Rina, can you hear me?" came his voice through the pounding in my head and I wondered why he even bothered to ask as he killed me ...''<br><br>

With a start I jerked awake. Joshua's hand moved in mine and I looked up, trying to shake off the dream that gripped me.<br><br>

"Joshua?"<br><br>

---

He started to nod and then stopped himself. This was going to be hard to get used to. "I hope it is me. It aches too much for me to be dead." He squeezed her hand in recognition of her presence. And then he repeated, "How long have I been out and how is everyone else?"<br><br>

---

"Shhh. Everyone's fine. You're going to be fine." I glanced at my watch and saw that it had been twenty hours since we'd returned to the Gift. I bit my lip and straightened, unable to resist stroking his hair back. "About a day. Are you thirsty? Can I get you anything?"<br><br>

---

Joshua was thirsty - his voice hadn't gotten much above a loud whisper. Some water would probably help with that. "Yes, please, and if you could maybe roll so I don't have to turn to see you..." Good to know everyone had made it through okay. Well, except for all the people whose deaths he was responsible for. He didn't wish he was dead, but he reflected that death might have easier for him to deal with.<br><br>

--

I got him that water and held the cup for him while he drew on the straw. At his nod I put to the side. I couldn't find a position for the chair to spare him pain and in the end I had to sit on the bed with him. It took us a minute to get everything sorted—sheets, tubes, ourselves—but we managed. I fluffed the pillow under him as best I could without hurting him and kissed his brow as I drew back.<br><br>

---

"So are you keeping Botany Bay and the galley intact for me?" He wasn't sure exactly where to start. He knew he had screwed up in ways that he hadn't even begun to comprehend yet, but he wasn't ready to talk about that. Talking about the shoulder injury just led back to how he got it. Talking about the crew just led to how pissed they must be at him. And asking how she was just reminded him of how badly he must have hurt her by being so stupid. So he decided to keep it in safe territory. For as long as he could, anyway. He could always plead tired. He had been awake five minutes and he could already feel the edges of fatigue pressing in on him.<br><br>

---

"Sure am," I lied. I could see he was tiring. Leaning in, I cupped his face and gently kissed him long and slow. "Get your rest. I won't be far."<br><br>

---

The kiss felt nice and she couldn't be too upset with him if she was kissing him like that. But as he closed his eyes and fell back asleep, he kept picturing Rina stalking about her engine room, sick with worry about him.<br><br>

--

I watched his eyes flutter closed and it wasn't long before his breathing took on the rhythm of sleep. I held his hand and studied him. Kiera had done a good job washing the blood and gore off him but he was still pale as milk and every scratch, every bruise stood out lividly against his skin.  Relaxed in slumber, he looked younger, vulnerable, and I knew it wasn’t entirely an illusion. Joshua was adamantly opposed to violence and refused the usual protections in a fight.  And yet he’d taken any number of risks in the past six months: facing down a swordsman on a crowded train on Urvasi, pulling an opponent off the roof of a speeding van on Highgate, probing a booby-trapped carcass and pelting headlong into a bunker on Meridian, abseiling into stormy seas on New Canaan ... all those things he'd done within sight of me and yet yesterday had somehow been the worst. I could not pinpoint why. I could only look at the outcome. I briefly wondered how it had been for him on Highgate. He'd recuperated without me as I spent two weeks in jail, courtesy of Nguyen, and therefore could not do what I did now: count the personal cost.<br><br>

He was, I thought as I pulled the covers to his chin and smoothed them down, a man caught between his ideals and harsh reality. Given how shallow his experience was in striking a balance between the two after leaving Blue Sun, I regretted my words to him during one of our early talks--that the learning curve was steep in the Black. The implication was clear. Adapt or die. How close he came to dying this time out, I didn't want to know. Right now, it was enough to have him alive and with me. I settled on the stool and held his hand until I was sure he wouldn't wake, then quietly left him to his slumber and the machines of med bay. The galley and the plants needed tending and I wanted to make good on my lie about both.<br><br>

Still, Joshua's impulsiveness toward the dangerous and the extreme occupied my thoughts as I got busy.<br><br>

---

Joshua startled out of sleep and made a light cry of pain as he did so. He wondered if his shoulder would always be painful. He knew that obviously, it needed lots of time to heal now. But after it healed, would the wound...the scar cause him problems? Like some of Rina's did? It would be a small price to pay for his misjudgment.<br><br>

He was alone in the medbay, which didn't really surprise him. People had things to do around here and that wasn't going to stop so people could sit by his bedside. He was definitely hungry though. He scanned the room, but he wasn't positioned where he could see the time easily. So it had been at least a day plus however long he had slept since he ate. The IVs made sure he had fluids, but fluids weren't food. He'd call out in a little while if someone didn't show up. Meanwhile, alone time was probably a good time to try and figure out what he was going to do with himself going forward.<br><br>

--

'''Wednesday, 20 Aug 2521'''<br>
'''Later that night'''<br><br><br>

I put the hydroponics bay and the galley to rights quickly, looking for anything out of place. Joshua had already been at them after the run to Pericles and he'd left very little for me to do. So I had extra time on my hands and resolved to keep an ear out for Joshua as I went about my duties. It wasn't hard to run a patch to the med bay comm panel from whichever compartment I was in. It was late, the others having already eaten dinner, and I was washing up the dishes when I heard him. I'd anticipated his waking and ladled up the miso soup I'd  kept warm on the back burner and pulled the toast from the oven. Both went on a tray I'd had sitting ready and I got the last item from the fridge: a single strawberry from Botany Bay. He'll want something better than miso to get that pasty aftertaste off his tongue.<br><br>

I crossed the lounge for'ard and stuck my head in med bay.<br><br>

"Hungry?" I asked when he saw me.<br><br>

---

"Yes, very. I feel like I haven't eaten in more than 29 hours. Give or take." It was good getting to see her. "What's for dinner?"<br><br>

---

I grinned at him and rolled around the doorjamb to reveal the tray I held.<br><br>

"Soup. If you're good and eat it all and keep it down, you can graduate to jello." I put tray on the counter and hit the bed controls to raise it, slowly so as not to make him ill. "Of course, had you been the enemy, I'd've just served you tofu."<br><br>

---

It felt surprisingly good sitting up. Until he did, he hadn't been aware of how ready he was to sit up. Of course, he thought, having been in traction not 2 months ago, I ought to be used to this by now. "Glad to hear I'm not the enemy." He smiled weakly and waited for her to bring the tray over.<br><br>

---

I set the tray in his lap and let him decide if he needed help eating. I settled at the foot of the bed and gave his toes a playful squeeze through the covers.<br><br>

"So am I. I'd hate to poison you by mistake after all the work Kiera and Arden put into you."<br><br>

---

Joshua picked up his utensil and spooned himself a sip of the soup - it tasted like heaven. He quickly slurped a few more sips and then made an effort to slow down a little. He looked over at RIna as he held his spoon over his bowl. It was time to ask. "Speaking of Kiera and Arden, how pissed is everyone?"<br><br>

---

It was practically the same thing he'd asked on waking and I didn't have much hope he'd have forgotten between then and now. It was a character trait of his, putting himself last after others. I sighed and told him the truth.<br><br>

"I don't know. I haven't asked. And quite frankly, I'm not going to. If they were truly pissed at you, they'd have come in already and ripped you a new one. That you're even asking me that question tells me they haven't. Why not consider it your answer and leave it at that?"<br><br>

---

He calmly said, "Okay then." He spooned some more soup and quietly ate while he watched her face. She didn't seem upset either. Or not very upset. If she was or the rest of the crew was, there was nothing he could do about it anyway. So might as well as eat his soup and think about ways other than sleeping to entertain himself while stuck in medbay all day.<br><br>

---

I watched him eat and eyed the relative steadiness of his hands and his stomach as he made his way through the soup and dry toast on the tray. As he ate, I filled him in on other things: the state of the plants in Botany Bay, the inventory I'd used cooking while he slept ... homey things that had nothing to do with guns or combat or death. If he wanted to discuss it, I was willing to let him bring it up as he saw fit.<br><br>

"I'll ask Arden or Kiera later what you can have for your next meal. You might not think it now but for the next while, you're going to find out just how many places on your body are attached to your shoulder and even something as simple as coughing on a cracker is going to make you hurt."<br><br>

---

"I guess I had better get used to it," Joshua said, feeling the shoulder twinge as he shifted in the bed. As he did, he noticed the strawberry on the tray that had been hiding behind the bowl. He smiled and put his spoon down to pick up the strawberry. "I mean, it's likely this won't be the last time."<br><br>

---

“Are you in any pain now?” I leaned forward and caressed his face.  “Should I get Arden or Kiera to give you something for it?”<br><br>

---

He shook his head. "I'll tough it out. The price I pay for living life." And screwing up.<br><br>

---

Joshua’s response was too close to what I would have done in his position, even if our motivations were different.  I stroked his beard, still growing in, and gave it a tweak.<br><br>

“You want a hair shirt to go with that strawberry?”<br><br>

---

"Har har, it is to laugh." He smiled at her softly. "Even if it is true. I overreached myself and I'm going to have to pay for it. Starting with the physical consequences. Maybe not being dulled to the pain will help serve as a reminder."<br><br>
 
---

"Pain certainly has its value." I shrugged my left shoulder in response. "If it makes you stop and think, all the better. More to the point, you're going to have to be more careful. That pain and your shoulder are going to slow you down physically. Have you thought about what it will do to your moves? Your reaction time?"<br><br>

I shook my head, remembering Miranda.<br><br>

"As for the physical consequences, go slow. Heal. Don't overextend yourself. I learned my lesson the hard way. It nearly killed me."<br><br>

---

"And by more careful, you mean taking less risks. Let you and the rest of crew fight the battles I get you into."<br><br>

---

I could see where this was going and I could feel my blood pressure going through the roof in response to his tone. God, I hate it when he does that! Internally ready to blow a gasket, I narrowed my expression and snatched the tray off his lap, and set it aside. Planting a fist to either side of his head, I bracketed him and leaned in.<br><br>

"''Listen to me''. If you want to play the passive-aggressive card, grab all the guilt and throw it back, ''go right ahead''. You play alone. If you want to get your head on straight and figure out how to handle your damned impulsiveness, look me up. You know where to find me."<br><br>

And I pushed off his pillow without waiting for an answer, snatched up the tray and headed for the door. It was either that or slap him into next week and quite frankly, I didn't want to make Arden or Kiera mop up afterward. They'd already worked hard enough.<br><br>

---

"Wait," he called out, hoping it wasn't too late.<br><br>

---

I stopped in my tracks and growled to the ceiling.<br><br>

"''What?''"

---

"I'm sorry. I'm angry at myself and I'm letting it boil over to you." He sat there, watching her do her best not to rush over and beat him through the bed. Wasn't it enough to be hating himself a little? Did he really need everyone else to hate him too?<br><br>

---

"Damn right you're sorry." I put the tray down on the first convenient surface and closed the door to the corridor. What I had to say I'd kept behind my teeth for a long time and when I cut loose it was going to be loud. Might as well spare the rest of the crew. Joshua wasn't going to be so lucky.<br><br>

"Do you have any idea, any idea, how goddamned insulting you were just now? Not just to me but to everyone with you? No? Let me spell it out for you. Did we or did we not all agree before we went in, to look into the matter of the stitch population, find out where they were being held, and if possible rectify their situation?"<br><br>

I stalked closer to the bed, anger burning Roman candle bright inside me.<br><br>

"Did you ''force'' us to go? Did you browbeat, blackmail or otherwise coerce us to walk into that op with you?"<br><br>

I came to a stop at his side, my hands fisting. I sharpened my tongue to a razor's edge and let him have it.<br><br>

"No. You did not. We all went into that lion's den of our own free will. The only thing you have to apologize for, the only thing you can feel guilty for, is escalating things before we had a chance to fully evaluate the set-up. And, once the shit hit the fan, not changing your tactics to fit the situation."<br><br>

I leaned in so he could hear every word.<br><br>

"You could have disengaged Joshua. You could have let the woman go, found cover, and found a way to make it work for you. You could have done anything but what you actually did—stand out in the open, completely unarmed and unarmored, making a big fat target of yourself. If you insist on jumping into the fray, Joshua, you must adjust your tactics to fit the reality that you have no gun, no way to project your power at a distance, and that you have no way to absorb the shit the enemy is going to throw at you. Hell, Joshua! Even Don Quixote had the sense to attack his windmills with armor on! You don't even have that. If you do nothing else in the future, at least wear a goddamned vest."<br><br>

I pulled back and crossed my arms and glared at him, acid crawling through my gut as I replayed the fight in my head.<br><br>

"Look, I'm not saying cower in a corner once the lead starts flying. I'm just saying play to your strengths instead of tempting fate with your weaknesses. You could have fallen back, found something to use against the enemy in the environment. You could have found the light panel and cut the lights. You could have found a fire extinguisher and discharged it in their faces. I don't care how involved you are in a fight, a faceful of freezing CO2 will stop you in your tracks. You could have climbed to the top of a container and scoped out the enemy's position and called it out to us. You could have simply stayed put once you got there, made them come at you one at a time instead of on all sides on the floor like you did. There are many things you could have done that were non-confrontational and non-lethal and you didn't do them. Maybe instead of wallowing in guilt, you should start thinking up alternative strategies to fighting. Because it's clear to me—and it should be abundantly clear to you—that your insistence on not killing is screwing you up the ass when you insist on mixing it up with the enemy. Listen to your shoulder, Joshua, and get a fucking clue."<br><br>

I'd never been so angry with him. I let him have it in the face with both barrels and shots discharged, I stood back and watched as they hit home.<br><br>

---

He had gone in the space of two minutes from being apologetic to being outright pissed. "First," he said, raising one finger up, his voice getting louder in his anger, "if you think I don't browbeat or coerce the crew into doing what I want, then you are as blind as a bat. You think I don't know that the crew thinks of me as the adorable puppy dog of the ship? Cute, to be protected, and when he makes that sad puppy dog face, stumble over yourselves to figure out how to make him happy. Do you really think any of you would have gone out and helped the stitches without prompting and begging from me? I'm the do-gooder around here, but that doesn't mean I'm above doing whatever it takes to get you guys onboard."<br><br>

He would've thought he would be getting calmer, but he was just getting angrier. "Second," and up went the next finger, "you didn't even see what was happening to me, what I was doing in that fight. Once again, you're acting like I was a helpless child who insisted in playing out in the middle of the street. I handled the woman fine and I was doing well in keeping the stitch from ripping Arden or Nika a new one. Yeah, I slipped and he got me good, but that just means I need to get better, not that I need to stop doing it. Are you telling me that if it had been you there, standing between a stitch and your friends, that you would have run to get a fire extinguisher and let them get mauled? And if you haven't seen my gorram injury, I believe you might think about the fact that a vest would have done no frakking good in preventing that. In fact, it would have bleeping slowed me down against the stitch." Always with the vest. He basically never got shot, always tried to put himself in places where he couldn't be shot, and yet the vest constantly got brought up like it was some kind of magic bullet.<br><br>

"Third," and another finger shot up, "yeah, I screwed up bad. I was caught up in the emotion of trying to save the stitches and I waded into something I shouldn't have. I've been dreaming about the people I got killed and I'm sure I'll be dreaming about them for a long time from now. So what else do you want me to say?! That I'll try to be more careful next time? Of course I will! That'll I'll stop trying to be a gorram idealistic dreamer? Maybe so, because I seemed to have caused more harm than done good. But just because my tactics aren't what you would do, that doesn't mean they don't work. I love you, but I can't be you and I can't think like you, so stop acting like I'm a failure by being myself and doing what works for me! You almost freaking drowned not that long ago and it wasn't to save the lives of the crew or bystanders, it was to save a floating piece of metal and wood! So don't give me the get a clue argument until you remove the beam from your own eye!"<br><br>

Joshua had never more wanted to be able to stomp out of the room and slam a door somewhere, but it wasn't like he had the luxury.<br><br>

---

The drawback to shooting your mouth off in close quarters is sometimes the shots ricochet back on you. Which they did. There was nothing I could say to refute Joshua's argument. Not that it stopped me for a second.<br><br>

"'''''Fine!''''' Maybe I should just leave it there ''so I won't have to watch you die!'' Goddamned stubborn ''chŭn zĭ pizda govniuk!'' Why not just take my gun and ''shoot me?'' It'll hurt a hell of a lot less than—." I was a split-second from losing it and I turned right around, raking my hands through my hair and fisting them. ''Dammit, I’m not gonna cry. Not gonna cry...''<br><br>

---

What he said before all the yelling had started was still true. He was angry with himself. But with all of it screamed out in the medbay, like a blister being lanced, the anger was down to a dull ache, much like his shoulder. "Look, Rina, I'm going to feel guilty. That's who I am. And it's not like it is undeserved guilt in this case. And I am sorry if I scared you. I never meant to...wanted to hurt you like that."<br><br>

---

“''Well, dammit, you did!''”  I spun around to face him, throwing my arms wide. My throat was getting tight.  There’d be tears in a minute.  Yelling at Joshua had done nothing to lessen my rage.  It just wound tighter and tighter until it came out as tears.  And beneath the anger was fear:  Fear of not being able to watch his back.  Fear of losing him.  It scrambled through my gut and took hold of my tongue and coherent thought went right out the airlock. “What the ''hell'' were you thinking?! You said you wanted me.  You promised you’d wait for me. ''You can’t do that if you’re dead!''”<br><br> 

---

"I was stupid," he admitted as he felt his heart tighten from the pain he was putting her through. "It was a risk that wasn't thought through very well." Or at all. "But I can't live my life afraid of every potential consequence. Then I won't be the Joshua you love. And I won't be able to live with myself or for you.<br><br>

---

"''Hell yes'', you were stupid," I said thickly, feeling the tears prickling to the surface. "A thousand kinds of stupid. You ...." I had to stop and breathe to force everything back down. When I could speak again, the words dragged all the way up from my toes. "I've already lost Mike. I can't lose you, too. I'm not as strong as you think I am, Joshua. Not by a long shot. Do what you gotta do, but don't you die on me. Don't you dare die on me."<br><br>

---

"Well, first, you not being strong is a ''Ri shao gou shi bing'' and you know it. You've taken everything the Verse could throw at you and came out the other side stronger for it. Second, I got no plans on dying. Didn't you know? I'm indestructible." He smirked, which caused his shoulder to twitch, the sudden pain giving the lie to his statement.<br><br>

---

"''Ri shao gou shi bing?'' We're not talking about me stubbing my toe, Joshua. We're talking about...," I faltered and then snarled at my damned inability to make him see how much he meant to me, how much losing him would kill me. So tell him. "Nobody plans on dying. Everybody thinks they're indestructible. Until the Universe hammers them with reality. I've been hammered too often to trust in happy endings anymore, Joshua. You say I'm strong. Fine. But even steel breaks if you hammer it too much and right now, I'm feeling damned brittle. Just ...," I faltered and moved toward his bed.<br><br>

''Wuss.''<br><br>

"I don't have it in me to lose much more, Joshua. I've lost my family. Twice. I've lost my first love. I've lost my second."<br><br>

''Tell him.''<br><br>

"Mike asked me if I was all-in. I wasn't then. I am now."<br><br>

''Getting closer...''<br><br>

"Mike's gone. I'm burned with him. There's no going back." I put one foot in front of the other and kept on going. "I can only go forward."<br><br>

''Closer...''<br><br>

"Twice he asked me to marry him. Twice I said no. And when I met him on Highgate, I had to make a choice. It was him or you. Your life for his love, your love for his. No more dithering. No more time. I had to choose and I chose you. Over him. Over a decade of history with him. I took a chance and went with my gut and listened to my heart, told my paranoia to take a hike and I chose you. And now Mike's gone and I'll never be able to tell him how much it cost me to do it."<br><br>

''Close.''<br>

"You say you love me. You say you want to marry me--''me''--who turned down the love of a good man twice, because I couldn't let go of my past. You say you'll wait for me until I'm ready to let it go. You say you'll be there if I want you."<br><br>

''Almost there.''<br><br>

"I want you, Joshua. More than anything. But I know what happens to things that I want that badly. The Universe fucks it up, takes it away, or has me ruin it. I'll do my part. I'll change. I'll let the shit go... but I swear to God if you die on me, Joshua, you better move over in your casket, cuz you're going to have company. Because I've got nothing left to give up but you. Nothing left to live for."<br><br>

I stood next to him and gave him my last inch.<br><br>

"I love you. Stay with me."<br><br>

''Done.''<br><br>

---

He reached up with his good hand and cupped her cheek. "Of course I'll stay. You're what made me who I am, Rina. I love you with all my being. I couldn't do any less."<br><br>

---

The second he touched me, everything inside went still. His words resonated through me like a temple bell, going deep into flesh, into bone. Into soul. It struck the foundation that I'd built with all my trust, my fears, my anger, my tears. It shook and I shook with it. I grabbed his hand and his warmth steadied me. ''I can do this.'' I steadied further. I closed my eyes and kissed his palm and took a breath.<br><br>

"All right," I said and looked at the man I'd chosen, for better or worse, to write my story with me. Would I get a happy ending? Or a Russian one? ''Does it matter? Why not just live it out and see?'' "All right."<br><br>

I kissed his palm again, tucked his hand under my chin, and gave him a tremulous grin.<br><br>

"So. You gonna share that strawberry?"<br><br>

---

"It and everything else," he said. <br><br><br>


<span style="color:#800000">''' ''For those who may be interested in what Rina called Joshua in Russian and Chinese--Trust me, you don't want to know.--Maer)'' '''</span><br>
'''Go back to: ''[[Mutineers Timeline Season Four | Timeline Season Four, April 2521 to Dec 2521]]'''''<br>

'''Go to ''[[Peripatetica - Rina's Journal entry and RP log]]'''''<br>
'''Go to ''[[Rina's Russian Glossary]]'''''<br>
'''Go to''' [[Marina Kseniya Sebastien | '''Rina's Crew Page''']] <br>
'''Go to [[EPISODES]]''' or '''[[MTimeline#2511-2518|TIMELINE]]'''<br>