Editing Forgotten Freedom:2501 3000

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2501. I repeat, do not use the poop deck as a toilet.

2502. And no, it's not the cabin boy's job to clean it up.

2503. I will not catch the next idiot who jumps out of the ship.

2504. I have removed a patch of the keel's varnish. Now it has extra splinters.

2505. When we get to 3333 and head to Riedra, the costs for the behavior mods are coming out of your pockets.

2505. No, you did not start the Last War because you were bored.

2506. I will stop selling fake maps to lycanthrope houses to the Silver Flame.

2507. I did not go to junior high with Jaela.

2508. The warforged's arm sheath isn't for -that- kind of wand.

2509. I will stop hiding the wizard's wand of Big Kabooms in the warforged's arm sheath.

2510. Or at least tell him to stop high-fiving everyone.

2511. Aereneal elves do not want or need Prozac.

2512. Female Talentia halflings to not wear burkhas.

2513. Yes, you have to read the whole list, there will be pop quizzes.

2514. King Kaius is decidedly not Lestat. And his wife is by no means the Queen of the D****d.

2515. In fact, all Anne Rice references are expressly forbidden when speaking about Karrnath.

2516. ...or the Aereneal elves.

2517. We are not "on the jazz".

2518. And the warforged is not Mr. T.

2519. Even if that is his name.

2520. And he has fashioned himself a mohawk and has a body lined with gold.

2521. No matter how cute Marish thinks they are, there will be no hiring of goblin barbarians.

2522. Nor making plush dolls of the same.

2523. Oh for Host's sakes, warforged plushies? That's just wrong!

2524. The warforged is not the same thing as a pet rock.

2525. It is especially wrong to tell it such during a boarding maneuver.

2525. I will learn to count without resorting to fingers, toes, and appendages.

2527. "Forgotten Freedom" is not a bondage reference.

2528. It is wrong to tell the Keeper of the Flame this.

2529. Rental of the ship and/or artificer's equipment and/or shifter bard with a whip for bondage purposes is strictly prohibited and will cease and desist immediately.

2530. Just because the artificer uses infusions doesn't give rights to anyone on the ship to spend half the day with a needle sticking out of your arm.

2531. Except me.

2532. Because I'm the captain, that's why!

2533. Look, if you had to deal with yourself, you'd understand.

2534. Oh, now you beha... ****, thought too soon.

2535. BY THE DRAGONS!!!!!! WHAT UNHOLY ??!?!! ...you clean this up, you dump the bodies.?.?. pieces of anyway, you catch me *faints*.

2536. This never happened.

2537. The new guy is a bit of a weirdo. Don't take him too seriously.

2538. Do not tease the new guy or try to look under his armor. He was badly burned by acid and as such doesn't like to be seen, so leave him alone.

Yes, I know mine are a little forced, but I really want this to get to 3333. I have a great set for after the behavior mods.

2539. No, the Kalashtar monk will not show you any "nifty moves" so you can "start trashing bozos".

2540. It is best if you do not call the Sentinel Marshal a "Rent-a-cop".

2541. Pointing to Merrix d'Cannith's dragonmark and saying, "Hey, nice ink!" is unlikely to improve his attitude from "indifferent" to "friendly".

2542. The rumor you heard about a shop in the Firelight District selling potions of natural male enhancement is unfounded.

2543. There is no Cult of the Dragon On The Left.

2544. Or on the right.

2545. Or in any other direction, besides below.

2546. That includes non-spatial and quasi-spatial directions.

2547. There are no cheat sheets to get out of a Maze spell.

2548. No, my cheat sheets are not authentic.

2549. Baleful Polymorph does not change the target into a bale of hay.

2550. I must not waste a Wish spell on a candy bar.

2551. I am not to use a Wish spell on Jaela for ANYTHING.

2552. A warforged soulknife is not Darth Vader.

2553. Unless it's Hhalloween.

2554. A warforged, catgirl shifter, and halfling is not the cast of FLCL.

2555. Unless they're funny.

2556. Do not call the dogboy shifter Inyuasha.

2557. Unless he's half-fiendish, then he brought it on himself.

2558. Not all pirates act like Johnny Depp from 'Pirates of the Caribbean'.

2559. Even if they're good at it.

2560. Jaela wouldn't like it anyway.

2561. Catgirl shifters can't wear sailor school girl outfits.

2562. Catholic school gear is okay.

2563. Halflings named Edward and Warforged partners named Alfonse will be keelhauled, along with Two Weapon Fighting angsty drow.

2564. TWICE.

2565. Once more for good measure.

2566. I should tell the female changling that she does not have to be naked with blue skin and red hair.

2567. But I will not, and people will thank me for it.

2568. Eberron still is not medieval Shadowrun.

2569. Nor is it D20 Modern.

2570. But I am Batman, accept it, it is true. 

2571. No, you can't have a female shifter based off Baalah from Pawn.

2572. But the changeling could try and look like her, hmm?!?

2573. Especially to dragons named Puff.

2574. I must not use Holy Water Balloons for strafing runs against King Kaius.

2575. The Iron Defender is not a pet.

2576. Nor is it a show dog.

2577. ...Unless we can make money from it.

2578. No killing your rival in the first run-in.

2579. Even if he looks cooler then you.

2580. Don't be mad if his sword's bigger as well...

2581. Permanently scarring your rival on the first encounter is allowed.

2582. Especially if he scarred you first.

2583. I was drunk, there is no Batman on this ship.

2584. The galley is not a bathroom.

2585. You will not call an Inspired ambassador "dreamy".

2586. You can turn an Inspired to stone. However, calling them a "marble quori" afterwards is just wrong.

2587. No, your dad does not run a secret agency.

2588. And even if he did, it would not be fighting misleadingly-named evil outsiders.

2589. And even if it did that, no warforged painted purple would be involved.

2590. Duct tape, cereal boxes, and parts harvested from the trash cannot be used to make any kind of construct.

2591. And it's spelled fear, not ph34r!

2592. You do not have an incarnate conscience that sits on your shoulder.

2593. I don't care if you strap wings on your familiar!

2594. You may not suck all the monsters out of Khyber with an enormous vacuum cleaner.

2595. The Silver Flame are not to be called regarding agricultural pests.

2596. Reforged do not get visited by a blue fairy one night and become real boys.

2597. "It's not big and it's not clever" does not translate as "now that would be SOOO KEWL!"

2598. The Quori are not led by a long-haired goth who looks like Robert Smith.

2599. You shall not test if warforged have souls by offering one to a Rajah for ultimate power.

2600. Warforged do not have to be rented.

2601. I should stop collecting rent for warforged.

2602. Tossing alchemist's fire in the flame elemental ring does not make the ship go faster.

2603. It makes a pretty bang, though.

2604. Magnetizing the warforged is not funny.

2605. Sleeping with the paladin chick is not a 'religious experience'.

2606. You may not have a miniature giant space hamster as your familiar.

2607. ...or your animal companion.

2608. That one's been done. Twice. Give it up.

2609. No, Trent Oster still doesn't want to give you your job back.

2610. No, you may not usurp control of all the undead in Karrnath and use them to purge all of the "Un-Darkly Cute" from the world. Speaking as the former head of the Church of Miho, that power is mine and mine alone.

2611. The Warforged does not have a "rejection mode".

2612. Not even while raging.

2613. The Artificer may not invent the Killstick, Chibi Killstick, or any variant therof. Crowiko beat you to it.

2614. Any young jailbait female necromancers with mental issues are not allowed to wear hair ribbons.

2615. The ultimate source of your power is not the Necrowombicon.

2616. It is, however, mine.

2617. Yes, Duct Tape is an effective weapon against Stick golems.

2617. You may not summon fanboy armies.

2618. Or ex-Idols.

2619. You may not make any sort of "URGENT ANNOUNCEMENT!!" unless your name is Scott Douglas "Draegos" Thompson.

2620. If the Captain is sick and calls off the day's activities, it is not a DPD (Dead Pirate Day).

2621. 6o 3z o\/\ 73h n0()8z, d00d.
[2621. My brother, you must provide subtitles for they who are not among our elite order.]

2622. Oh look, more bombs.

2623. Next time, use shorter taunts.

2624. Okay! Enough MegaTokyo references already!

2625. You are not to summon Cthulhu.

2626. Not are you to have the artificer make a scroll of hold divine being.

2627. And then use it while the bard plays elevator music.

2628. Nor is Cthulhu to be introduced to any Daelkyr.

2629. I have so little sanity left from last time.

2630. You will disregard any similarity between the Silver Flame and the Golden Throne.

2631. Even if the bound divine beings in either have told you different.

2632. No, the quori don't have drinking games.

2633. Nor can you get them drunk.

2634. I swear that Kalashtar was sober when I left her...

2635. Painting the Warforged red will not make him go faster.

2636. Especially if he has an Admantine Body.

2637. It is wrong to tell him this.

2638. Same goes for painting the ship red.

2639. We are not Karrnathi.

2640. The ship stays green.

2641. Because I am Captain and I say so.

2642. The artificer is not to be refered to as that "Rambling wreck from Cannith Tech, with skills in cogs and gears".

2643. You will not get a Lycanthrope to infect Aurala.

2644. Or for any other purpose.

2645. Especially not that...

2646. You will not get Dragonmark Tattoos.

2647. We have enough trouble as it is.

2648. Renegade Mastermakers are not Cyborgs.

2649. Nor are they named Batou or Motoko Kusanagi.

2650. Riedrans have no trouble with Rs or Ls.

2651. Riedrans are not stupid.

2652. Just because they are the only ones who don't understand that their "inspired' leaders are evil demons from the realms of dreams and that the Kalashtar are the good guys... uh, actually, I take back 2651.

2653. Riedrans are stupid.

2654. Telling your familiar to "go for the beer" is never, ever a good thing.

2555. Hamster familiars give a -2 penalty on all saves to resist drunkenness, and render you immune to alcohol poisoning.

2556. Telling the crewmates with hamster familiars this is a keelhaulable offense.

2557. The artificer MAY NOT gain warforged cohorts with the Adamantine body feat, kill them, then salvage them for the 'raw material'. 

2558. The Forgotten Freedom is NOT fully submersible. 

2559. It is wrong to tell the warforged this.

2560. No, not even if we get a water elemental bound to the ring. 

2561. Hamsters are to be kept seperate at all times. We don't have enough food for another tribble parody.

2561. No one on this ship can kill people with their brains.

2562. Yes, is wrong to tell the warforged this.

2563. Oh, I'm sorry-- no one on this ship without a great bloody quori stuck in their head can kill people with their brains.

2564. None of the major holy texts of the Silver Flame or the Host are fuzzy about kneecaps.

2565. You may not refer to the shifters as trained apes... without the training.

2566. Being struck with water balloons does not cause warforged to go on murderous rampages.

2567. And yes, it is wrong to tell them this.

2568. The artificer may not craft anything while drunk.

2569. Especially after the "Captain's Undergarments" golem we had a few weeks back.

2570. After the "Girdle of Reverse Masculinity/Femininity" incident, the artificer may not craft anything at all.

2572. Especially garments of enhance Masculinity/Femininity.

2573. The artificer will deconstruct that golem and give me my stuff back immediately.

2674. Even though it's technically legal by the "universal rules", anyone who thinks of taking both levels in dread pirate/swashbuckler and ninja will be keelhauled and then dropped off in Thrane where they know how to deal with such outrageous blasphemy.

2675. Anyone attempting to multi-class a ninja and a wizard will meet the same fate.

2676. I am not allowed to dress up as Drizzt for Halloween.

2677. The warforged is not allowed to dress up as the Lord of Blades.

2678. NOBODY dresses up as Vol.

2679. Nobody dresses up as Jaela, either. It's just not right.

2680. The artificer is forbidden to attempt to make a Pumpkin Golem.

2681. Especially a Great Pumpkin Golem, Charlie Brown...

2682. I will report for KP duty for posting 2681.

2683. There is no small, out-of-the-way hamlet where the villagers worship you as a folk hero.

2684. No! Just because you robbed their lord doesn't make it so!

2685. We do not rob from the rich and give to the poor.

2686. Okay, we do rob from the rich, but we just pocket what we take.

2687. We don't rob from the Silver Flame, nor the Sovereign Host.

2688. We do have some standards, after all.

2689. Replacing comunion wine with cinnamon schnapps isn't funny.

2690. If they find out it was me, I'm in deep Rakshasa butter...

2691. How many times do I have to remind you louts that the poop deck is not used for that?

2692. We will not hire gnoll mercenaries by offering to give them the halfling to eat. We don't even have a halfling.

2693. No, we will not go recruit a halfling.

2694. Just because "they can't tell the difference" doesn't mean you can feed them the gnome, either.

2695. Actually, there will be no feeding of any member of the crew to gnolls, or to any other creature for that matter. Period.

2696. Not even if nobody likes them anyway.

2697. Unless I don't like them and tell you to. Then it's okay.

2698. You shall not sell your soul to a Rakshasa for a donut.

2699. Nor any other kinds of pastry.

2700. The above applies to the Daelkyr, The Dreaming Dark, and any other kind of diabolical, demonic, or extraplanar organizations.

2701. No selling any other person's soul for pastries.

2702. Especially to the aforementioned organizations.

2703. Nap time comes before pants time, not after.

2704. No, you're not allowed to just make up times.

2705. You are not allowed to trade our crockpot, nor any other piece of equipment from the ship, for a "mystery box", no matter how tempting.

2706. You will not bind the soul of your brother's dead body to a suit of armor.

2707. You will not tell the warforged that this is how he was created.

2708. The King's Wands are not "State Alchemists".

2709. Neither are the Knights Arcane.

2710. A warforged wizard is not a "Full Metal".

2711. The Artificer does not make Homonculus by failed resurrection spells.

2712. It is wrong to tell him this.

2713. Philosopher's stone is not made of people.

2714. You will not shout this Charlton Heston style.  

2715. It is not funny to make an Alchemist who shows people his daughter's baby pictures.

2716. Especially if the player is a new father using his own.

2717. Warforged grafts are not "automail".

2718. You cannot be an artificer named Winry.

2719. A transmuter is not an alchemist period.

2720. ...Wait, yes he is. Nevermind.

2721. It is wrong to try and sew people together to make chimera.

2722. Especially your wife and little girl.

2723. Err... don't ask about how rule 2723 got started. Let's just say two words: "Child support".

2724. We will not use Alchemy to set ourselves up as gods of superstitious locals...

2725. More than once.

2726. Transmuting lead into gold only reduces gold's value.

2727. I will not use Gloves of Fireballs...

2728. In order to call myself the "Flame Alchemist".

2729. Should the events prohibited by rule 2683 happen, you will buy the ship's pilot all the booze he needs to get himself into a drunken stupor. In fact, you're paying for everyone's drinks.

2730. We don't care if your food is "problematic". Just eat the damn thing and be done with it!

2731. No kidnapping Jaela.

2732. PERIOD!

2733. No making your homunculus like Jaela!

2734. The Laws of Conservation of Mass and Energy, the Principle of Equivalent Trade, or whatever the hell you want to call it are purely fictional! As a spellcaster, you are not required to abide by them, dammit!

2735. It is wrong to tell the warforged he is.

2736. You are not allowed to name your Homunculi after the Seven Deadly Sins, nor any of the following: Spike, Tiddles, Mr. Fluffsywuffsy, Rover, Wuvvyduvvy, Bickybabyboowoo, K9, Bishop, Pugsywugsy, Mini-Me, or Junior.

2737. Thermodynamics be damned! When casting Fireball, the wizard doesn't spontaneously make it colder somewhere else to "even things out". See 2734.

2738. You are not allowed to spontaneously invent gunpowder to defeat the lich in an alternate fashion. You're a half-orc barbarian with 6 Int, that's why!

2739. (following 2705) If mistakenly killed by a party member, your spirit is not allowed to possess the Warforged in order to get a new body. We have Raise Dead, after all, and we're quite willing to use it.

2740. The Warforged does not have a Time and Temperature function.

2741. It is wrong to tell him he just hasn't found it yet.

2742. House Cannith did not gather up all the homeless people of Sharn and use their souls and flesh to give life to their Warforged.

2743. Whoever first told the Warforged this shall be keelhauled as soon as he or she is discovered.

2744. Running around shouting "Warforged is people!" is only going to get people correcting your grammar.

2746. Calling the Valenar High King Vadallia "that slant-eared landgrabber" is strictly forbidden.

2747. ...While in his presence, anyway.

2748. That smell isn't evidence of a small manifest zone to Xoriat, it's you.

2749. Jaela doesn't fart, belch, or defecate.

2750. No, that doesn't make her a Warforged.

2751. It's wrong to tell the Lord of Blades otherwise.

2752. Even if he is sweet on her.

2753. Because she's probably not interested.

2754. And his awkward and oft-spurned approaches are not the root of his hatred for the meatbags.

2756. You will not collapse the towers of Sharn "for the XP".

2757. You will not attempt to restart the Mourning in Thrane "for the irony value".

2758. You will not attack Aundair "for a laugh".

2759. Aundair wizards might actually be able to take the skies from you.

2760. The game "pennies from Syberys" involving trying to hit people with copper pieces from two miles is forbidden.

2762. I don't care how many true strikes you've prepared today.

2763. The mist of the Mournland is not to be stored in jars on board.

2764. Nor is it to be stored in bags of holding, other extradimensional pockets, or vials, empty potion bottles, the warforged or... where in Xoriat did you get a plastic baggy?

2765. I must not make a list of things we aren't allowed to do, lest some bad guy get a hold of it and figure out we are just a bunch of screwballs.

2766. I am not allowed to point out when the captain makes mistakes.

2767. Nor am I allowed to remind the captain about said mistakes three months later.

2768. The moons are not made of cheese.

2769. I should stop telling the warforged this.

2770. Dragonshards are not imprisoned souls.

2771. Well, maybe the are, but I'm still not allowed to cackle every time I get one.

2772. Devourers do not have 'a serious case of the munchies'.

2773. It is bad form to offer one the halfling as an hors d'oevre.

2774. I will not build playgrounds as "Jaela traps".

2775. I will not tag her ponytails to follow her "in the wild".

2776. Candy stores are not Jaela traps either.

2777. Kidnapping the Pontiff is strictly forbidden.

2778. TOY STORES ARE NOT JAELA TRAPS EITHER.

2779. I will not send Jaela fetish clothes for her birthday.

2780. Because she's SUPPOSED to wear schoolgirl outfits and sailor fukus at her age!

2781. Maybe she wants to be a cheerleader...

2782. Holy Icons bearing her image are not posters for over your bed.

2783. The fat elf will absolutely NOT impersonate Santa around Christmas Eve...

2784. Especially not at Flamehold!

2785. Going down the Flamehold chimney will get you burned to purified ashes.

2786. Giving Jaela a Plush Golem with orders to kidnap her is strictly forbidden...

2787. EVEN IF IT'S A GIANT TEDDY!

2788. We will not ask if we can make s'mores around The Flame for Jaela.

2789. Disneyworld is not the Mother of all Jaela Traps.

2790. ...Nor can I build one in Sharn.

2791. Nor can I buy up Q'barra to make it into a giant amusement park like Walt did...

2792. Especially not to make it a giant Jaela trap.

2793. You shall not build an amusement park in Aundair and call it Euro Disney.

2794. Nor shall one be built in Riedra and called Disney Tokyo.

2795. Nor shall one be built in Adar and called Disney Hong Kong.

2796. It's wrong to build Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory to try and lure Jaela in it.

2797. You shall not ask the artificer to make a homunculus shaped like a pink bunny with a drum.

2798. Not even to impress Jaela.

2799. You will not call me Captain Stubing.

2800. You will not call the shifter Gopher.

2801. Even if he has big teeth.

2802. You will not call the ship Pacific Princess.

2803. Because there is no Pacific. 

2804. You will not call the ship the Barren (Sea) Princess.

2805. Or the Bitter (Sea) Princess.

2806. You will not call Queen Aurala the Bitter (Sea) Queen.

2807. Even if she is.

2808. The Forgotten Freedom does not have a reflex cannon.

2809. There are no such things as anti-anti-missile-missile missiles.

2810. You will not pick your teeth with a greatsword at this table.

2811. If someone says you will turn and fire on the count of 3, then you will not turn and fire at 2.

2812. Or at 1.

2813. You may not stall for time by counting in fractions.

2814. Or by completely skipping 3 and continuing to count up.

2815. Or down.

2816. Or in random numbers.

2817. Or letters.

2818. Or other body noises.

2819. Definitely not that one.

2820. Or that one.

2821. Gods help me, if you try that one you will be keelhauled in segments.

2822. Especially if you try it near Jaela.

2823. Or any other dignitary we happen to meet.

2824. Even if we meet them when they're blindfolded.

2825. Or we're invisible.

2826. Or if we lie and blame it on the internal workings of the warforged.

2827. Cardinal sins are not ones the party is allowed to do with Jaela.

2829. She isn't a cardinal, that's why. She's a pontiff.

2830. No, you can't even if you are the cardinal.

2831. You will not give the Hand of Vecna to Jaela for a Birthday present.

2832. The Eye is off-limits, too.

2833. As is the Book of Vile Darkness.

2834. And any other corrupting artifact you care to name.

2835. No, that doesn't mean you can give them to her as long as it's not her birthday.

2836. Keelhauling is a punishment, so no matter what the player says, his character does not yell "Whee!" the whole time it's going on.

2837. When a crew member is sentenced to being keelhauled, he is forbidden to run around screaming, "Ah... KEEL... you!"

2838. Or to make any other pun or joke on the matter.

2839. The Forgotten Freedom does not have deflector shields, nor photon torpedoes.

2840. Not even phasers, no.

2841. The party is most definitely forbidden to try to compile a list of what they are allowed to do.

2842. Nor does the Forgotten Freedom have twinkle beams.

2843. Or lightballs.

2844. Today is not a passable day to die.

2845. The ship's name is Forgotten Freedom, not C.P.P. Potkustart.

2846. My name is not Pirk.

2846. It is wrong to tell the Warforged that it is.

2849. The airship is named "Forgotten Freedom", not "Forgotten Crewmen", so you cannot use that as an excuse to leave behind unpopular crewmembers.

2850. Not even the warforged or the halfling.

2851. We are not on the show "Mythbusters".

2852. Thus we do not need an explosion every time.

2853. We really don't need to pack the ship full of explosive and see how big of a bang it makes.

2854. We should not blow up the warforged, either.

2855. Due to some... unpleasantness... Otyughs will NOT be used in the following: garbage disposal, trash chutes, and privys.

2856. Especially privys.

2857. Our captain's name does not include the names "Shatner", "Kirk", or "William".

2858. So stop hassling him about striking out with the Riderian chick.

2859. The Helm of Opposite Alignment only makes Jaela want shoes, lots of barbie dolls, and a pony faster. Also, Chaotic Evil to getting them. It does not make her hit puberty any faster.

2860. The Forgotten Freedom is shaped like a warthog, not a mythical creature...

2861. Like a Puma.

2862. Stop claiming Pumas are real. Do you think the Captain is stupid?

2863. There is not a "Remembered Freedom" that is our enemy.

2864. They are not a Blue Ship to match our Red ship.

2865. We do not say "Suck it, Blue" if we should pass this mythical ship.

2866. Our goal is not to capture their flag.

2867. It is wrong to pass out pink armor.

2868. It is wrong to get a Warforged that doesn't speak any language the crew speaks and call him Lopez.

2869. Stop claiming to Aurala the Covenant from Halo are attacking and we're the last line of defense.

2870. Even if it's true.

2871. Teamkilling is a no-no.

2872. Even if he was an ***hole.

2873. We will not name our warforged Titan Sheila.

2874. If a character is named Tex as a nickname, it might be because they're from Texas.

2875. When we use warforged grafts to repair fatally injured teammates, we will not include pieces from the air conditioner.

2876. There is no such place as Spanishland.

2877. Even Thrane.

2878. It's wrong to claim the newbies have to get grease from the store...

2879. Especially when we're on a FLYING PIRATE SHIP!

2880. Simmons is not of a "Spanish persuasion".

2881. There is now an array of sharp things on the keel.

2882. As a point of clarification on a previous item, everything we do is for profit. Whoever that prophet was who was mentioned in an earlier item can go pound sand. Unless, of course, he is willing to pay us lots of gold to do something and coughs up at least half in advance.

2883. We are not the Exxon Valdez.

2884. That leaking oil is coming from the warforged.

2885. No, we do not have Jungle, Tiger Stripe, Urban, or Desert camo armor.

2886. We don't hand out armor with bullseyes on the back, either.

2887. Well, maybe to the occasional rookie.

2888. The cleric now heals free of charge.

2889. From now on, your plunder will be charged 10% to handle cleric's fees.

2890. Just because the artificer wears Wands of Magic Missile slung low on his hip, that doesnt make him a 'gunslinger'.

2891. I wouldn't recomend pointing that out to him, he's a pretty good shot.

2892. The fact that your hair is oily is not the Warforged's fault. It is wrong to tell him it is.

2893. Neither is this 'more proof' that we are the Exxon Valdez.

2894. It is wrong to tie-dye all the rogue's outfits in neon colors right before an infiltration mission.

2895. Or to color them such that you have a 'rouge rogue'.

2896. His hair is off limits, too.

2897. Telling new recruits that their bedsheets make excellent parachutes is forbidden.

2898. Warforged, especially, are not to be told this, new recruit or not.

2899. The artificer is not allowed to create any device whose purposes include gender-swapping the target.

2900. A new form of keelhauling is to be implemented.

2901. Offenders will now be chained to the ring of fire.

2902. The underside of the ring specifically.

2903. The ship will then fly low over the ocean.

2904. You will not enjoy this.

2905. Not even the warforged.

2906. If the offense involves Jaela in any way, the ship will instead be flying low over land.

2907. If you pretend to enjoy this, the ship will head for the nearest outcropping of sharp, pointy rocks.

2908. After your remains are collected we will see to having you reincarnated as a something small and furry.

2909. By this I do not mean you become a very short shifter.

2910. You will then be left on a small island near Xen'drick inhabited by something large and carnivorous.

2911. If you still enjoy this, we do not really care anymore.

2912. You do realize that if you try any of the above listed actions involving Jaela you are as good as dead.

2913. First, you will have to deal with a very angry 11-(or 12 or whatever)-year-old pontiff who turns into an 18th-level cleric near Flamekeep.

2914. Second, you will have the Church of the Silver Flame after you.

2915. Third, you will have the Thranish military after you.

2916. Fourth, you will have any Thranish commoners you encounter after you.

2917. Fifth, you will have any Thranish or Silver Flame worshipping adventurers after you.

2918. Sixth, if all these people haven't caught or killed you yet, they will hire the nastiest adventurers/mercenaries/bounty hunters to go after you.

2919. Seventh, if these people come after you the captain will sell you out in an instant.

2920. He did warn you, after all.

2921. After you are caught, they will probably castrate you for your sick crimes.

2922. They they will likely torture you for several days.

2923. They will then publicly burn you at the stake.

2924. After this... wait a second, why am I stopping all this from happening again? :plotting:

2925. You may now preform any of the above listed offenses involing Jaela at you own risk.

2925. As something small and furry, you will not contract a 'were-human' disease that restores you to your previous form.

2926. Nor 'were'-any-other-player-race.

2927. The lycanthrope would just eat you, anyway.

2928. No, you cannot steal the Silver Flame itself.

2929. Tinfoil, no matter how brightly polished, would not trick anyone for a moment.

2930. You cannot under ny circumstances name your Bard "Parantheticles".

2931. If, by some unforeseen miracle, you manage to name your Bard the aforementioned "Parantheticles", you cannot then follow every statement made by your Bard with the phrase "Parantheticly speaking, of course."

2932. You will not kill yourself to reincarnate into something cute and fuzzy...

2933. Especially so Jaela will cuddle you.

2934. Anymore hijinks that end up having anything to do with the pontiff will be punished by simply kicking offenders off the boat... above Thrane... from very high up... with a note... over something hard... preferably somewhere public.

2935. We will not cast enlarge spells on Jaela so there's "more of her to love".

2936. Especially to the point that she starts smashing Thrane.

2937. Even if it would be ridiculously adorable to see her playing with the churches like a Barbie Dream house.

2938. Queen Aurala is not your mother-in-law.

2939. Even if she is, that's not why she's a hag.

2940. Queen Aurala is not Sora Kell.

2941. Queen Aurala is not a lost daughter of Sora Kell either.

2942. Queen Aurala did not paint "SURRENDER DOROTHY" over our ship on her broom.

2943. I know we did 2943 before one but she won't stop!

2944. Queen Aurala is not a MILF.

2945. Yes, the dictonomy of how much we hate her and how hot she is has been a matter of concern for some time.

2946. Don't have the artificer measure it.

2947. Just because Errandis D'Vol and Aurala have never been in the same place isn't suspicious.

2948. Errandis Vol is the LICH queen, not the ***** Queen.

2949. Please don't say after 2949. "Oh, so Aurala is the ***** Queen."...

2950. Even if she is.

2951. King Boranal is not an idiot.

2952. Even if he can't see his Prime Minister is out to get him...

2953. Even if he gave his kids over to a vampire...

2954. Even if he lost Droaam...

2955. and Darguun....

2956. And he has a horde of militant druids in the forest that he routinely goes hunting in...

2957. And he lost his one chance to win the Last War...

2958. And he let the Cyreans settle in an area with strong enough support to revolt...

2959. And his best warforged friend may be the Lord of Blades.

2960. King Boranal is an idiot.

2961. It is wrong to try to sell King Boranal beachfront property in the Mournland.

2962. It is wrong to do the play "The Madness of King George" to Boranal.

2963. He won't get it.

2964. King Boranal is not Homer Simpson.

2965. Even if he says "D'oh" a lot...

2966. Especially after hitting his head a lot on random objects.

2967. And he has an unusual fondness of doughnuts.

2968. And his skin is turning yellow from the Mournland campaign along with his hair falling out...

2969. It is wrong to try and get Boranal to count over ten or twenty if he's not wearing shoes.

2970. King Boranal is not King Steve....

2971. It is wrong to randomly show up at his house and say that you're the Light Warriors...

2972. And prove it by holding light bulbs...

2973. YES, I KNOW HE'LL BELIEVE IT.

2974. King Boranal is not so dense that he forms a black hole around himself.

2975. The reason the King's Secret Service is called the "King's Citadel" is not because their primary duty is helping Boranal find his way back when he's lost in his own castle.

2976. A proper way of addressing King Boranal is not "Dumbass".

2976. The first draft of the Treaty of Thronehold was not in Crayon...

2977. And it was not in fingerpaint...

2978. Even if it was, it wasn't Jaela...

2979. I know it was Boranal!

2980. King Boranal did not attend Grade School together with Jaela...

2981. And he wasn't held back that year either.

2982. Boranal doesn't need a manservant named Wooster.

2983. It is wrong when Boranal makes a questionable decision to go "HELLOOOOOOO... MCFLYYYY!"

2984. The best way to rob King Boranal is not to say "Hey! Would you close your eyes for 10 minutes while I rob your treasury?"

2985. That's the second best way to do it.

2986. The best way to rob King Boranal is to ask for 20 minutes.

2987. Boranal's daughter cannot be kidnapped by simply showing up and saying you're the villain and you have to succeed in the first part of your plot.

2988. King Boranal's entire statecraft doesn't come from anime....

2989. It comes from comic books.

2990. It is wrong when an evil villain attacks Breland that the best way to stop him is USE HIS ARMIES RATHER THAN RAGTAG ADVENTURERS.

2991. King Boranal is not to be said to be the 'dumbest man on the planet'.

2992. Even when he has us, thieves and pillaging murderers, rescue the planet from Orcus...

2993. ...When he pardons us for stopping the orcs despite mass murder equal to them.

2994. ....For singlehandedly reingniting the Last War several times...

2995. ...for trying to kill him on several occasions.

2996. It is wrong to pimp slap the King when he says something messed-up.

2997. It is wrong to give Boranal's nephews copies of Hamlet as a "suggestion".

2998. It is wrong to sell the Emperor invisible cloth to get him naked during a parade...

2999. He's already fallen for it.

3000. It is wrong to add to the King's unjustifed fear of invisible gnomes.
----

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