Editing Journal Entry: Happy Birthday to Me

'''From the personal journal of Joshua Drake''' <br>
'''November 14, 2520'''<br>
'''A little after midnight'''<br><br>

''Happy Birthday to me, Happy birthday to me.'' Let the good times roll.

Birthdays have never been a big thing for me. I was told this was my birthday by Blue Sun. I have no way of proving that, of course. Not that it matters, really. One day is as good as the next and I imagine most people only know what day their birthday is because someone told them it was so. So November 14 it is for me.

I didn’t do much celebrating in the Academy. Most of my birthdays were spent on mission. Once, in the midst of a borrowing, I celebrated someone else’s birthday. Very normal, if there is such a thing. Cake and ice cream and presents. Not very familiar, though.

I’m 32 today. Not a particularly momentous birthday if you just look at the number. Birthdays, I’m told, are supposed to be a chance for us to look back at the past year. If you do that, suddenly this birthday gains some significance. In the last four and half months, I’ve abandoned the only life I knew to take up a life in the black with the crew of the Summer’s Gift. I’ve been captured by pirates. Attacked by Reavers. Accused of being soulless. I helped stop a slaver ship and performed my first borrowing for someone other than Human Resources. I’ve gained new friends that I consider family. And I have a home now in the Gift. All in less than half a year. It seems crazy all put together like that.

And yet it all pales beside the fact that in the past 3 months (has it only been 3 months? It seems like a lifetime), I’ve fallen in love with another man’s woman, willingly slept with her knowing that she could never love me, and then lost her. In 3 short months. And I would do it all over again. 

''What’s wrong with me?''

The Joshua from a year ago could have never imagined being so dishonorable that he would risk ruining someone else’s love for his own selfish needs. But this Joshua did. And if given a thousand chances to repeat history, I would fall into Rina’s arms a thousand times without hesitating. Is this what happens when ideals collide with reality? I never had chance to test myself at the Academy. As the days pass, will all the rest of my beliefs fall by the wayside, one by one, until there is nothing left?

Hell, I’m getting maudlin. I should erase the whole damn thing, but the point is to let it stand. So when I look back next year, I’ll be reminded what an idiot I was. Hopefully, it won’t hurt quite as much then.


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