Editing TheStarsAreRight:Journal4

* [[TheStarsAreRight:RedlandJack|Return to Redland Jack's page]]

Well, I know Grimaldi told me not to go to China, but since I left the Sword of Solomon behind, it should be okay. That weird material from St. Mar is pretty darned handy. I probably don't need to be here, but someone has to look out for Henrik and Rebecca's interests. The crew that was sent doesn't strike me as the optimal group for that sort of thing.

My memory problems from the stroke (or whatever it was) seem to be getting worse. I can barely recall anything that has happened in the last couple of months. I need to do a better job of recording things. Unfortunately, my absent-mindedness has become so bad, that I keep losing my journals. I'm now in a bit of a bind. I don't want people to know the severity of my problem, so I probably shouldn't record it. On the other hand, I need to know, and recording it is the only reasonable solution. I just need to keep my journal on me at all times. And remember to do so. Hmmmm.

I need to do a better job of keeping close to Henrik. Letting him get shot on the first day wasn't a great start. If only our leader had listened to me ... but when has that ever happened? Since they declined the offer of a servant, I guess I'll have a good reason to stick near, at least in the short term.

I should probably apologize to Gunner. Reflecting back on my earlier experiences, I recall fleeing in (unreasoned) terror a few times when confronted with things my mind couldn't handle. That is not so different from unreasoned assault.

I wonder if I could go back in time to when I was on that ship, visiting my sister, if I would do it all again. It's hard to say. If I could make a (positive) difference, the choice would be easy enough, but I'm not sure that is in the cards. I vaguely recall someone prophesying that if I rejected the Dark Pharaoh's offer, I would become a welcome member of the group, but that if I took it, I would forever be an outsider. Why did I accept his/its offer? I must have had my reasons, but like many other things, it has slipped away in the haze of time.

I guess there is no point on wondering what could have been. I need to focus on this 'saving the world' nonsense. The sooner I do that, the sooner I can go home and get back to my research. I can't believe how little I know about the important things going on in the world any more. I mean, what's the status of the gold standard? Is all my research now obsolete? Is my mind so thoroughly shot that I can't even go back to my old life? I'm starting to feel like I did in Russia. Is it just me or is it this cursed land? I can't slip back into that hole again, but I can't talk to anyone about it or 
they'll leave me behind. Once again, I'm in a bind.

Alright. Just focus on the job at hand. Break the bond between Auda and Rebecca and then figure out what to do from there. I have to trust my own thoughts. If I can't, what's the point?