Editing 1001 things Mr. Raymond can't do when he GMs

[[Category: Number_Lists]]

[http://forum.rpg.net/showthread.php?t=280416 Original thread]


1001 things Mr. Raymond can't do when he GMs

# I will not kill the same player's PC every game, even if that player is my kid brother.
# I am not allowed to use multiple 4 or 5-skull traps from Grimtooth's sourcebooks.
# I will not use the same trap on every door until someone figures out how to bypass it, and then promptly change it to my next favorite on every subsequent door, ad inifinitum.
# I will not kill a PC's entire supporting cast in the first game.
# If I read room descriptions from an adventure module, I will make sure I can pronounce words in the language that module uses.
# I cannot use segues like "You get to the castle. During the night, Eric's character tried to rape the princess so now the entire army is after you."
# If I am willing to cause a Total Party Kill, I will be ready to go all the way and not suddenly call it all an illusion. If not, then I will not cause said TPK.
# The Monster Manual is not looking for me to submit a creature called "DM's Discretion".
# Narrativism does not mean that I will narrate a story and the players will sit quietly and listen to it.
# The cops/army/palace guards aren't automatically hostile to every PC they meet.
# Items are not worth less gold because PCs touched them.
# I do not need to detail every room and floor of a building the PCs are not allowed into, especially if there is no reason for the PCs to go into it.
# If I put a new location on the map, it should be somehow relevant to the game.
# If I don't know what the difficulty is, it is not automatically "You fail".
# I shall not just keep throwing stronger enemies at their characters until they die.
# My NPCs shall not be more interesting or have more complicated day-to-day lives than my PCs.
# If I botch a roll, there is no excuse for going back and saying "Oops, your character should have died three encounters ago. You're dead."
# I shall not ever pick up a paperback novel and read aloud directly from it during a game session.
# May no longer assign NPCs to the party based on Vampire Hunter D or Captain Jack Sparrow.
# Especially if they're the party cleric.
# Blitzball does not exist in Creation.
# Nothing Records does not have its own personal squadron of F/A-18s.
# And even if it did, the PCs are not allowed to call them in for airstrikes.
# May no longer send party against monsters whose Challenge Rating is higher than all the PC's character levels combined.
# May not allow characters to defeat said big baddy via uncanny luck. Sudden attack of hayfever is right out.
# Absolutely forbidden from assigning five levels of experience in one night.
# The Wyld Hunt does not consist entirely of Dragonblooded sworn brotherhoods in color-coded warstriders.
# Neither do the Imperial Legions.
# And even if they did, the warstriders do not resemble giant robot dinosaurs.
# "Nuke the site from orbit" is not a viable means of defending a corporate research facility from shadowrunners.
# Descriptions of the BBEG's minions may no longer include the words "invincible," "katana-wielding," "scantily-clad," "explosive," or "hamster."
# Especially not all at once.
# Eliminster is not an acceptable NPC in any setting. Neither is Raistlin, Drizzt, or any other character from any D&D novel. This is especially true if it's a GURPS campaign.
# The annoying ultra-powerful NPC that comes in to save the day is no longer allowed to be based on one of the players at the table, and have the same name, wear the same clothes, and look exactly the same.
# Switching games in the middle of the session, without telling the players, is right out.
# My Abyssal Deathknight antagonist isn't allowed to be named Still the Prettiest.
# The Shadowrun Coffeeshop campaign was not a good idea.
# Neither was the Rokea/Moloke crossover oWoD campaign called "Tastes like Chicken."
# Cthulhu never surfs.
# No door should be placed directly in front of an about-to-fire minigun
# I will not allow a "3rd level Bishi" in my D&D game without unanimous player support.
# I will not center an adventure on the value of Pi.
# It is irrelevant which way the characters turn the key in the door.
# "Localised Earthquakes" are not plausible ways to remove the effects of the Leadership feat.
# I cannot declare a character dead because they fail to find a trap.
# In the event of the above, I cannot claim the afflicted player does not exist.
# In the event of the above two occurring, I will at least call in on the player and check they are alive and mentally sound.
# Convenience store clerks do not carry flamethrowers for defending themselves against robbers.
# May not allow a game to descend to the point where convenience store clerks have to carry flamethrowers to protect themselves from the PCs.
# May not say to players, "This is a d20 game, but we're going to be using a Clix game from WizKids for combat."
# Particularly if that game is Mage Knight.
# I will not wait for a player to ask if a monster is in the room before telling him that there is.
# If a PC dies, I will not spike their d20 and dance.
# I will not ambush the players with blowguns and needles tipped with feces. Nor the player characters.
# No longer allowed to shoot Vampire players in the chest with paintball guns when their characters get shot, so they "know what it feels like."
# This goes double for players with mortal characters.
# Even if I did just drop a month's wages on a Glock 9mm.
# Threatening players with raw calamari during a Call of Cthulhu game is right out.
# Just because the players say that they are OK with using some props, that does not mean I should come in costume.
# Especially lingerie.
# Especially, especially lingerie intended for a sex other than mine.
# Generally, no one wants to be reminded to think about my gender.
# If something is forbidden for all the other players, I must also forbid it for my girlfriend's character.
# The Hobgoblin king is not allowed to have brought the entire Nazi army through his time portal.
# Especially not in Blue Rose.
# I must include some magical treasure other than girdles of masculinity/femininity in the dungeon.
# I shall not give any player a cursed item, if the whole extent of the curse is "you can't get rid of it! no matter how hard you try."
# Cursed items shall not outnumber regular magical items.
# Making a player cry is not a sign that I am a good GM.
# I cannot switch the game's conflict resolution system on the fly from percentile to thumb wrestling.
# My girlfriend is not allowed to take levels in the 'Awesome' prestige class.
# I am not allowed to put in challenges that can only be safely bypassed if the players specifically state they look up, or otherwise specifically say they do something that you would expect them to be doing normally - like breathing.
# I can't tell my players their bowels have ruptured because they haven't told me their characters are going to the bathroom.
# I must make sure Mr. Welch's list is current and that he's signed off on every new addition before play begins.
# I cannot bring my vintage, crystal gamescience d4 collection to the game if I cannot keep the dice on the table. Not even to simulate difficult terrain for the players.
# I am no longer allowed to use the Teletubbies as major campaign adversaries.
# Or as pregen PCs for one-shots.
# Or for LARP.
# "For the thunder that double handful of d6's make when they hit the table" is not a valid reason to jack up the encounter rating.
# Not allowed to play the Pokemon movie soundtrack as mood music during the game anymore.
# Especially when playing Unknown Armies.
# Not allowed to use images from Rotten.com as visual aids.
# Especially when playing Bunnies and Burrows.
# Not allowed to create any puzzle whose solution involves dressing like a chimpanzee and dancing the bolero.
# Never allowed to say the words "Roll save vs. constipation" ever again.
# Or "save vs. diarrhea."
# Not allowed to inform PCs walking down the street that the inhabitants of the building above them just failed their diarrhea saving throw.
# Not allowed to build a campaign world in which the primary form of currency is old socks.
# Must never again inform PCs that the only healer in town is a cranky old hermit known to the locals as Herman the Leper.
# Especially in games of Transhuman Space.
# When my players inform me that no gaming is better than bad gaming, this is not an excuse to dedicate the next session to filing my income tax returns.
# May not create a homebrew system whose task resolution system is based around Dance Dance Revolution.
# Not allowed to base my D&D campaign on the works of John-Paul Sartre.
# "Monopoly: the RPG" was not a good idea the first twenty times I suggested it, and it still isn't.
# Neither is "Candyland: the RPG."
# No longer allowed to set games of Werewolf: the Forsaken on Gullah Gullah Island.
# Or on the Island of Sodor.
# Dora the Explorer is not the Prince of Miami.
# She's not its Heirarch, either.
# Neither is Spongebob Squarepants.
# Nor Bob the Builder.
# No longer allowed to take my three year-old daughter's suggestions for campaign ideas seriously.
# May no longer make "Flaw: Carrying an Implanted Thermonuculear Device" a requirement for characters in my games.
# Or players in my games, for that matter.
# I am not allowed to apply templates to my players after they have already been playing their characters for two months.
# Especially not if it includes a +6 level adjustment.
# I am not permitted to play a video of the "Loading" screen from resident evil to heighten the tension.
# The races presented in the players handbook are fine and do not need "tweaking for my campaign world".
# Especially not if said tweaking involves the ability to manifest psychokinesis at will.
# Not allowed to name the BBEG "Fluffykins."
# Cannot give NPCs levels in "Court Jester," "Beggar," or "Woman of Ill Repute."
# Especially not epic levels.
# Under no circumstances is my BBEG allowed to be Fluffykins LeNoir, The Penniless Mistress of Mirth (Jst24/Beg22/WIR21).
# No longer allowed to base NPCs off Adam Sandler.
# Not allowed to kill off characters because their players forget to mention they've tied their shoes.
# Especially when playing Weapons of the Gods.
# An Infinite Jade Minigun is not an appropriate weapon for an Immaculate Monk.
# Merchant caravans in Creation do not have cowcatchers.
# Even if they did, "Stolen Cowcatcher" is not an appropriate Melee specialty for a Lunar.
# May not arbitrarily declare critical hits against the guy who took the last slice of pizza.
# "Donald Duck" impressions are inappropriate for the voice of the king.
# This goes for Durulz "kings" too.
# When no one wants to play the cleric, I am absolutely forbidden to name the NPC cleric "NeoSporynn".
# As above, and the female cleric cannot be named "Gynylotrymyn" either.
# D4's are not to be used in LARPS, even though they "make good caltrops".
# I will not reveal that the PC cleric's god is actually a demon half-way through the campaign.
# ...Especially not a dretch.
# ...Or a bullywug with a Hat of Disguise.
# I will not turn Werewolf:the Apocalypse into a multi-genre hybrid with Palladium Heroes using d20s.
# In said horror, I will not have a werewolf with a fetish called Excalibur, that is, of course, the real thing.
# I will not make Changeling characters take points of Banality for going to the bathroom.
# If I don't like a character, I will just say so instead of getting all passive-aggressive with the Banality points.
# When the PCs in my CoC game unmask the evil head cultist, he will not be Old Man Withers from the abandoned amusement park, and he will not have almost gotten away with it if it hadn't been for those nosy PCs and their dog. Again.
# When I tell the group that their superspy commander is based off of Nick Fury, I am allowed to be referring to the classic Marvel depiction, or the Ultimate Marvel depiction, but not to the movie with David Hasselhoff.
# In Exalted, the Wild Huntsmen get bonuses for stunts just like everybody else, but they do not get bonuses for Python quotes.
# I am running a role playing game, therefore I do not have two turntables and a microphone.
# When the players say that they want to try something new I am honor-bound to take their word when they say that does not mean Exalted Sailor Scouts.
# I can not in any way attempt to sneak the above into the campaign setting, no matter how much I think they would enjoy it if only they would try it.
# At cons, no longer allowed to separate a character from the rest of the group and make her/him useless to the rest of the group because she/he decided to stand watch.
# At cons and everywhere else, no longer allowed to separate a player from the rest of the group and let him/her sit alone in another room for the rest of the session because his/her character stands watch.
# No longer allowed to run systems that I don't understand.
# Before running a plane hi-jacking scenario, it is a good idea to know something about planes, sky marshals and airport security. Actually being inside a plane would be helpful too.
# In the described hi-jacking scenario, the PCs should not be the terrorists.
# The aforementioned scenario shall not turn into night of the living Flight 93, where the passengers attack the terrorist PCs as a mindless zombie horde.
# "Hands-on" descriptions of sexual encounters shall not happen again.
# I may not substitute Marienburg for Ankh-Morpork in my WFRP campaign.
# Nor is Ankh-Morpork a close ally of Rokugan.
# Must turn sound off if I am going to watch hentai anime while the players discuss strategy before opening the door to the boss monster.
# When GMing at a con, may not humour the 12 year old munchkin when he attempts to use Change Self to look like an old wise man so that he can act as though he had the leadership feat.
# When GMing at a con, may not bribe the 12 year old munchkin with candy or Hentai Anime fansubs if he shuts up.
# When GMing at a con, may not bribe the 12 year old munchkin's Mother with Cunnilingus if she makes him shut up.
# When GMing at a con, may not hype a group of 12 year old munchkins into playing BESM by telling them about kewl powers, and then revealing that we will be playing BESM: Gravitation.
# Mr. Raymond may not GM at cons, period.
# May not refer to the primary villian of the campaign as "that guy" because I forgot to write down his name.
# May not have either zombies, ninja, nazis or pirates appear out of nowhere during a romantic scene to "spice things up for the other players".
# Weapon Focus: Dwarf does not exist.
# Dwarves do not do 2d10 damage as a missile weapon.
# I am not allowed to refer to the players as "the suckers".
# Gaudeamus Igitur is not a recurring anthem among Ars Magica mages.
# Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas is not an appropriate setting for Mage.
# Just because I am an "experienced GM" does not mean I can run Exalted unread, "out of the box."
# Or Nobilis.
# Am no longer allowed to describe myself as an experienced GM.
# "Sponginess" is not an attribute in Amber.
# Or any other game.
# Not allowed to design a homebrew system with more than fifty primary attributes.
# None of my players have a d14 or a d33 that they can roll, even if my homebrew system calls for it.
# Not allowed to create homebrew systems.
# Not allowed to have anything to do with or even acknowledge the Game that Must Not Be Named.
# I will not insist that all my players get deeply involved in my Wraeththu LARP.
# No matter how much sense it makes, nor how intelligent the villain, they are not allowed to use an odourless, flavourless, colourless gas in the ventilation system to take care of the PC's permanently while they sleep.
# "Just because it can fly doesn't mean it will" Is not a valid reason for the PC's hard fought for flying mount to be grounded.
# "It's more like an escalator" is not a valid excuse when accused of railroading.
# In the cinematic final battle with the Big Bad, I will not have him stabbed to death by an NPC henchman as he escapes out a back window.
# Even if the players were the ones who set the NPC to guard the back window.
# Even if I never touch the player, I cannot use LARP techniques to show the results of a successful Seduction roll.
# Especially when I'm portraying a character of the opposite gender.
# Even more especially, when my wife is in the room.
# I will not huddle in a corner and cry when my players catch me in an inconsistency -- even if I am playing a 10-year-old NPC.
# I will not create a 14-year-old female with supernatural powers who has a crush on one of the PC's (for a third time).
# Especially when the player of said PC is a fundamentalist Christian.
# Or my wife.
# The evil big bad may no longer be a small girl trying to make the world cuter, one hideous monster at a time.
# Heironeous will not sign notes to his paladins "The Big H."
# I cannot handle fifteen players at once by myself.
# Even moreso if it's a stealth campaign.
# Healing is not applied directly to the forehead. Healing is not applied directly to the forehead. Healing is not applied directly to the forehead.
# I shall not name NPCs "Dwarf Guy" and "Elf Girl".
# Especially if they are not that race, or gender.
# I will stop giving out poorly-disguised lightsabers in fantasy games.
# Furthermore, I will stop making characters in my Ravenloft game take levels in "Jedi", no matter what I actually call it.
# Beholders are not good pets.
# I should always tell the above to a new gamer.
# My NPCs are not allowed to be half of one race and half another.
# This is true doubly non-humanoid races.
# Even more so for dragons.
# PC's cannot be killed by a candlestick in the ballroom or any other combination of Clue locales and weapons.
# I am not to assign flaws such as Half-wit or Sexpot to players.
# Nor to the Player Characters.
# The Infinity Gauntlet is not an acceptable artifact.
# Especially not in COC.
# Just because you read it on the internet doesn't mean it's true.
# Especially if it has anything to do with a katana being able to cut a tank in half.
# Fraggle Rock is not valid inspiration for a Call of Cthulhu game.
# Nor is Muppet Babies.
# Just because the player claims to have been in the military as a sniper, and claims to be a master of seventy forms of martial arts, doesn't mean that you can't have anything bad happen to his character.
# Elminster is not a valid NPC in Mage.
# "Because you looked at him funny" is not a valid reason to have a character drop dead.
# Nor is "He's CRAAAAZY, man! I told you he was wearin' a diaper! Normal people don't do that!"
# Absolutely forbidden from ever describing any NPC or monster using the word "squamous" again.
# This goes DOUBLE for Call of Cthulhu games.
# Any room in a Gygaxian dungeon containing three identical doors may not also contain a goblin wearing a tacky suit, nor one with a bad haircut.
# A scantily-clad blonde orc gesturing towards the doors is right out.
# No longer allowed to tell the players that they've "just won a brand new car" when they pick one of the doors.
# Especially if the door they selected actually leads to the Massive Rolling Ball o' Doom Trap.
# The Massive Rolling Ball o' Doom in the Massive Rolling Ball o' Doom Trap is not allowed to be made of cheese.
# Or chewing gum.
# Or old socks.
# Bohemian Rhapsody, while an awesome song, cannot be used for a Tavern name.
# The same holds true for Bond villains.
# My hobbies of Falconeering and GMing must be kept separate at all times.
# "You wake up 10 feet underwater" is not a viable way to start a campaign.
# No longer allowed to introduce previously-unknown wraith pleasure cults for the sole purpose of sexually violating PCs I don't like.
# Soulforging said PCs into sex toys is right out.
# Similarly, no longer allowed to pit PCs against Abyssal dominatrices armed with soulsteel vibrators.
# The Barbed Phallus of Doom is not an appropriate name for an Earth Immaculate's tetsubo.
# Or any other artifact weapon.
# No longer allowed to GM after falling asleep watching hentai the night before.
# Complaints from players is not a sign that they need "more of a challenge"
# No longer allowed to dance like a quarterback in the endzone every time I kill a player character.
# Especially not for the third time that night.
# I will not introduce my six year old to roleplaying with Unknown Armies.
# Must not get mad when the PC's murder the only named NPC in the game in his sleep. Especially when it was obvious he was the big bad and nobody in their right minds would sit through the next six sessions working for that bastard.
# When handing out magic items to the party, the sum of those items' enhancement bonuses may not exceed the PCs' combined character levels.
# Or their combined hit points.
# This also applies to the magic items equipped by my NPCs.
# The critical plot device around which the entire campaign revolves may neither be a) wisecracking or b) hyperactive.
# And certainly not both.
# I will not reject a character sheet because it lacks the words "scantily clad"
# I must, however, reject a character whose gun is three times his size.
# Especially if he's a halfling
# The dragon king cannot say "needs salt" after eating a PC.
# The bard's instrument is not a banjo, it is a lute.
# I can't base the campaign off the movie "Space Mutiny"
# Nor can I use MST3K's names for the hero as NPCs.
# Pushing the players out of an aeroplane without a parachute, while a dramatic way to begin a scenario, is best avoided when LARPing.
# There is no Ring of Masculinity/Femininity.
# Nor is there an armour, robe, bracers or other form of item of Masculinity/Femininity beyond the girdle.
# This goes double for Holy Avengers of Masculinity/Femininity.
# I may not name the main villain Retsam Emag or Retsam Noegnud.  (Hint: read it backwards.)
# Nor any other clever anagram.
# I will stop referring any anagrams I make to as clever.
# I will stop letting Mr. Welch find a Ring of Wishes when ever the other PCs are not around so they can't stop him.
# This also goes for a Deck of Many Things.
# And for a Globe of Annihilation. In fact I may not give Mr. Welch any items when the other PCs can not stop him from using it.
# I may never again give the PCs Intelligent Magical Items.
# This goes double for Cursed Intelligent Magical Weapons.
# In my supers games, when the guy playing the Superman-type character says he finds a phone booth in which to change into his costume, I will inform him that the game is set in the modern day instead of the '70s BEFORE his character takes off his clothes.
# The pistol-butts of my supers gameworld are not inlaid with kryptonite instead of mother-of-pearl no matter how much sense that makes in light of the old George Reeves Superman series.
# I may not use The Superfriends as an inspiration for my superteam's support crew.
# The A.I.M. agents are not all hemophiliacs no matter how much Karma my group's Marvel PCs have earned.
# I am not allowed to use Hentai for villain inspiration in my supers game. Not even if I said the game is Claremont-inspired.
# Giving PC's access to C4 - bad idea
# I won’t obliterate any creativity or non-combat ideas when they come up just because my characters are more interesting.
# Even if you spent a week writing up your 40 level fire-wielding crazy-child.
# When I write up a scenario, I won’t base it totally on OOC information that I need to explain out to the players.
# Combat that drags on should not be stopped by deity, no matter how close we are being to be finished.
# Random Encounters are stupid and should never inflict them on characters again.
# Using gods should be limited to dreams, dark taverns, and temples. Not giving demands to players in the center of a warzone.
# I will never play a player character. It will have no depth and no character. This is also a bad thing.
# Allowing NPCs in the party is a good thing. Such as the Ewok Jedi.
# I cannot base an NPC off of Megaman
# Especially if we're playing D&D
# The BBEG cannot be Kamen Rider, Ultraman or Black Ace.
# Or based off them for that matter.
# Not everyone wants to play a Castlevania themed RPG
# The same is true for Kirby
# I will not build a dungeon with traps in the floor every ten feet.
# I will not base a dungeon on the video game 'Pac man.'
# I will under no circumstances do both these things at once...
# I will not introduce "Light Sabers" or their like into a pure fantasy game, no matter how cool they are.
# I will not do the same for "Magic Guns" or whatever for a modern game...
# I will not declare that my descriptions are high production FMV sequences that cannot be skipped or interrupted by PC action.
# When PCs are using squad-based tactics in a survival horror game, I will not spontaneously declare that the next Zombies they encounter are trained S.W.A.T. members (or S.T.A.R.S.) that can counter their every move...
# I will never have Zombie snipers, or any zombies that can effectively use ranged weapons and tactics.
# When running Amber, I will not accept sexual favors as Contribs for the auction bid.
# I will also not encourage players to sell me their immortal souls for more points.
# When first encountering the PCs, my NPC may not immediately challenge the PCs to a dance-off.
# Especially when playing Mechwarrior.
# Similarly, if a PC's reaction upon first meeting one of my NPCs is to challenge him to a dance-off, I must ignore the challenge.
# Particularly if the challenging PC is played by Mr. Welch.
# No longer allowed to demand the PCs LARP dance-offs.
# No matter how much I paid for that DDR pad.
# Must also ignore any requests from Mr. Welch to LARP dance-offs.
# The Backstreet Boys are not appropriate antagonists in D&D.
# Or Werewolf.
# And only if used sparingly in Exalted.
# No longer allowed to base Vampire sessions on episodes of the Brady Bunch.
# Or Sesame Street.
# The Gong Show is right out.
# "Hey X, Pimp my ride" is not an acceptable form of greeting in D&D
# I cannot base a villain off Chef Ramsey from Hell's Kitchen
# "Gibberish" is not an acceptable language skill.
# Not even in CoC.
# Russian does not count as gibberish
# PC's are not allowed to keep a dragon hatchling as a pet.
# Especially if it "followed them home"
# There is no skill set for Whack-a-Mole
# Guacamole is not to be used in lieu of healing potions.
# Fingernails on a chalkboard is not a good way to shut up the players.
# I am not allowed to declare an unprovoked ostrich attack.
# Going stream of consciousness while describing a room or setting.
# Especially when it is the kitchen of a Deathlord
# Describing the flora and fauna of a location in Creation and expecting the players to reconize it instantly (although I was surprised a player didn't know what a sea cucumber was)
# Snakes attack their airship
# Again.
# Run a game of Bunnies and Burrows in which all of the characters are psychic lesbian stripper ninja bunnies with AK-47s and katanas that can cut a tank in half, who have to get on a plane to assassinate the Cthulhoid Fraggle Snakes that have stowed away in the warp core manifold, defending their position with stolen lightsabers.
# The campaign shall not take place in Bohemian Rap City.
# Nor in Rap City in Blue.
# New Ork City is also out.
# I am prohibited from naming locations using puns.
# The BBEGs with flamethrowers are right out, unless it's Godlike.
# I will never again use the words "3D10" and "tarrasques" in the same sentence.
# Piranha Plants are not a trap to be used in COC.
# The Orb of Penguinification does not exist in any RPG.
# The Force is reserved solely for Star Wars games.
# I lack the ability to force choke a player for making a stupid choice.
# I must automatically reject any character whose name has three Xs in it.
# Doubly so if all the Xs are in a row.
# May not penalise players for being unable to pronounce the names of Kua Toa cities correctly.
# Or Kua Toa anything else.
# When designing the tomb of the dread lich king and the challenges therein, a vision chart is not an appropriate puzzle.
# Nor is a game of "Hungry, Hungry Hippo," Even if it is vs a Balrog.
# Not allowed to create random-encounter tables with epic-level monsters on them.
# Especially when playing Eberron.
# Or Blue Rose.
# No longer allowed to ambush 1st-level samurai in d20 Rokugan with six Tsuno Ravagers.
# On that note, Akodo Ginawa does not spend his days riding around the countryside, saving parties of 1st-level samurai from Tsuno Ravager ambushes.
# Akodo Ginawa does not ride a white charger.
# Or refer to samurai as "citizen."
# The Lion clan capital city does not have a "maho shop" in it.
# And even if it did, it would not be clearly labeled "maho shop."
# No longer allowed to make NPCs so world-weary that they don't care when one of their companions is slaughtered and has his blood drained into a bathtub.
# Especially if the world-weary NPC in question is a nine year old girl.
# No longer allowed to have NPCs who can't say anything except "Bro's fists of steel cut to the bone."
# The ruler of the kingdom is not allowed to be a kender.
# Or the mayor of the village.
# Even if it's a kender village.
# ESPECIALLY if it's a kender village.
# No longer allowed to populate cities entirely with kender.
# Or Malkavians.
# Or Pooka.
# Kender Pooka-Malkavians will get me shot.
# I must reject a character if his weapon is a katana sheathed in an electric guitar.
# Especially if we're playing in a fantasy setting.
# There is no Macgyver RPG and I should be ashamed for saying there was one.
# Especially when we're playing COC.
# No PC is allowed to rip the pipe organ from the cathedral walls.
# No PC is allowed in my game if his character can be compared to pre-Crisis Superman.
# Doubly so if we're playing Rokugan.
# There is no charm of "Hard Rock"
# In Amber, the bonus points for "character art" are not intended to reward players for giving me porn.
# Or stick figures.
# Or, especially, stick figure porn.
# No longer allowed to get rid of disruptive characters by giving them ebola.
# No longer allowed to get rid of disruptive players by giving them ebola.
# Rockin' Pneumonia is not a contractible disease in D&D.
# Neither is the Boogie-Woogie Flu.
# The archivillian of the campaign has NOT read The Evil Overlord's List and does NOT act appropriatly.
# A character said to be a combination of Mr T and Cloud Strife must be rejected.
# Will not run Diana: Warrior Princess (using the Wushu engine) for the express purpose of "Punishing the players for ruining my Aberrant game".
# Will not hand people pregens for Diana: Warrior Princess that consist of Toni Blair: Vampire slayer, and, Anne Frankenstein: Jewish Cyborg.
# Similarly, Spike Milligan is not a bleach-blonde vampire comedian with a soul, and does not stab other vampires to death with his pipe.
# Who am I kidding? Yes I will, yes I will, yes he is, and yes he does.
# I will never ever run Aberrant with 200 nova points ever again. Ever. That shit is what The Authority RPG is for.
# I will not begin a game session wth "Yeah, remember that thing you did at the end of the last session? It killed everyone. New characters all around.
# Especially not if said "thing" was going to sleep in a "safe" place.
# This goes triply so if said "safe" place was their own fortress and / or extradimensional space.
# I will not Give any NPC a basic attack that does more damage than a missile strike.
# This goes doubly so if I disallowed that orc archer build in shadowrun.
# Heavy Metal is not an acceptable skill set for halflings.
# Quicksand has no place in a Bunnies and Burrows campaign.
# I will not give the evil mad scientist a ray gun capable of turning the PCs into baboons.
# I will not give the evil mad scientist a ray gun capable of turning the PCs into twinkies.
# A Babwinkie ray is right out!
# As is a Twinkoon gun.
# I will not spend three days locating, purchasing, customizing and painting the miniatures for an encounter, and three minutes (after the encounter has started) reading the creature's stat blocks.
# Non-leveled Orcs do not pose a challenge to a 30th level party.
# Even if I send them in waves of a million at a time.
# In the above instance, I will not insist on playing out the entire combat 'just in case'.
# I am no longer allowed to end campaigns because the players are following along with my plot instead of stomping all over it and "I just don't know how to deal with that style of play..."
# I am not allowed to base NPC's off of Vince Mcmahon.
# Any character with a breast size greater than C must be rejected.
# Especially if its male
# Especially if the player is male.
# Ostriches are not acceptable forms of currency in D&D
# Considering the above, any player with profiency in bartering and ostrich farming is right out.
# I will no longer roll for random encounters in D20 Modern when the PCs travel.
# Especially if they're taking a commercial passenger jet.
# In the odd circumstance that I do, I will not use a wilderness encounter table. At least, not anymore.
# I will reject any PCs based on Samuel L Jackson.
# The player's cohort gained through the Leadership feat is NOT the BBEG in disguise
# Or one of his minions sent to spy on the party and ultimately betray them
# I will not put a beholder in a hall of mirrors... or a medusa... or a basilisk...
# There are not wandering kitten bombs! (so cute, and radiating evocation magic!)
# Daerin's Devouring Fortress is not to be used, ever.
# Magic scrolls should not have with symbol of death/insanity/persuasion/etc. cast on them. Treasure itself does not need a CR!
# The BBEG is not a five-year old kid with the has the Leadership feat whose cohort is a puppy. If he is, his arsenal should not be a security blanket and a talisman of the sphere.
# There are no diseases that are transmitted Via Buff or Cure spells.
# The wizard's crystal ball is not a lich's item familiar.
# There is no curse "Audible Theme Music", and the rogue most certainly does not have it!
# Half-Dragon (red) trolls are not an appropriate encounter for a beginning party.
# I will not use all the items from the "500 weird things" thread in one campaign.
# For that matter, I must limit myself to using no more than five of those items per campaign.
# Vampiric werewolves are right out.
# Especially as a random encounter.
# Doubly so as a PC.
# No you cannot affix a nuclear warhead to the tip of your arrow.
# Especially not if we're playing D&D.
# I am not allowed to base my in game locations off of Candyland.
# One exception: The Molasses Swamp.
# No not even that.
# If the players have magic items, I will not make getting them identified in a major city harder than trying to kill a greater demon with a teaspoon.
# I will not eliminate PC thieves just because I don't want them in the group. Especially since the group needs them. Doubly especially since I play them all the time when I'm not GM.
# Players no longer need to describe what their investigator tastes like when writing up their Call of Cthulhu character.
# Not because I found a random table.
# Red dragons are not always communists.
# Since I am not as cool as SteveD, I will not base my entire campaign on old song titles.
# And if, for some reason, I do base my entire campaign on old song titles, I am not allowed to use Menudo songs. And I am certainly not allowed to play those songs during the session to "set the mood."
# Spider crabs, although funny, do not form secret societies which plot to overthrow the government.
# Spider crap spaceships do not have pincers.
# I should really stop using spider crabs in my games. Once, in a Mage game, was okay but now too much.
# I should think of new and interesting ways to bring campaigns to an end, not just a TPK.
# I should not base *all* of my plot ideas on the hallucinations and general craziness I experience when I go three days without sleep.
# The phrase 'rocks fall, everyone dies' is not to be used literally. Not even against really troublesome PCs.
# If the player's character sheet contains leetspeak at all, they must be drawn and quartered.
# I mean, barred from playing.
# The Predator does not inhabit urban cities in Cyberpunk 2013.
# I should not dangle the Eternity Sword in front of my players, or any other ultra-awesome but mind-destroying item. They lack the restraint.
# Under no circumstances will Mr. Raymond demand the use of penile "swordfights" for combat resolution.
# If such is required, Mr. Raymond will refrain from performing a capella renditions of "Soccer Practice" while they go on.
# Robotic characters are right out in a fantasy setting.
# No you cannot be a Solar. We're playing Mutants and Masterminds.
# If my temperature is over 108 and I haven't slept in two days I must first arrange for a replacement GM and then go to the doctor.
# May not use Godzilla as a planned deus ex machina in a "serious" fantasy game to defeat the invincible BBEG I made the PC's fight.
# Will not have my Mary Sue character miraculously arrive and killsteal the party when they are about to defeat the Evil Halfling Druid of Evilness named Butternut.
# Will never again name a BBEG Butternut.
# Or any other squash.
# Will never again name a village Muffin's Honor.
# Or the honor of any other pastry.
# "Killfuck Soulshitter" is NOT an appropriate Abyssal titles, particular if HER leige is the The Lover Clad in Ranment of Tears....and she's a Midnight caste.
# A Silverhawks RPG is not feasible. Just stop trying.
# Tale Spin is a different situation.
# No matter what the Cyberpunk Rulebook says, putting an explosive beneath a player's mattress is just cruel.
# I will not end campaigns by having the players fight their way to the top of the tower only to have a Giant knock it over and kill them for being noisy.
# The Time Bandits should not show up for cameos in every campaign genre I design for my players.
# That goes double for Elvis.
# Any in-game reference to a "One Ring" will result in GM removal.
# The Love Charm should not backfire when a player is already tied up by a dozen Kobolds.
# Summoned Balrogs are not effeminate-sounding.
# I will not draw attention to the BBEG in the crowd by reading his description from a sheet of paper.
# I will not get mad when my players refuse to enter the basement with a flashlight and baseball bat.
# I will not allow my players to "fake fight" to see who has the best character.
# I will NOT create NPCs based off of the band Lordi.
# Especially in Earthdawn.
# If I do, I will not be supprised when the players try to kill them.
# again
# I will not force a player to play a housepet during LARP.
# I will not use porn stars for my homebrew fantasy deities.
# Starting level characters are not to be sent to the Barrier Peaks.
# Particularly in games of Thirty.
# I will not TPK with an anthropomorphic squirrel.
# I will not base the "casual fun" game on a series of complicated clues that have baffled actual scholars for generations.
# Adventure RPGs are not meant for merchant class parties.
# I may not hand out cursed enchanted cookies to the characters in a low magic setting.
# The Triforce is not an acceptable charm in Exalted.
# Not even if the three attributes are split between three players.
# Just because I can speak Japanese, doesn't mean my players can.
# My traps will no longer consist of triangulated vulcan cannons.
# If the mission involves defusing a nuke, I cannot allow "smash it till it breaks" as a strategy.
# Deus Ex Machina is not an acceptable skill for any class.
# Yes, the doctor PC can tell if a person is alive, dead, or undead. Yes, even by torchlight.
# Not every town with a population of less than 3.000 is in truth a sect bent on world-domination/self-destruction/peace and harmony.
# Under no circumstances am I to use any of Richard Wagner's operas as "mood music".
# Especially not "Lohengrin".