1001 things Mr. Raymond can't do when he GMs

Original thread

1001 things Mr. Raymond can't do when he GMs

1. I will not kill the same player's PC every game, even if that player is my kid brother.
2. I am not allowed to use multiple 4 or 5-skull traps from Grimtooth's sourcebooks.
3. I will not use the same trap on every door until someone figures out how to bypass it, and then promptly change it to my next favorite on every subsequent door, ad inifinitum.
4. I will not kill a PC's entire supporting cast in the first game.
5. If I read room descriptions from an adventure module, I will make sure I can pronounce words in the language that module uses.
6. I cannot use segues like "You get to the castle. During the night, Eric's character tried to rape the princess so now the entire army is after you."
7. If I am willing to cause a Total Party Kill, I will be ready to go all the way and not suddenly call it all an illusion. If not, then I will not cause said TPK.
8. The Monster Manual is not looking for me to submit a creature called "DM's Discretion".
9. Narrativism does not mean that I will narrate a story and the players will sit quietly and listen to it.
10. The cops/army/palace guards aren't automatically hostile to every PC they meet.
11. Items are not worth less gold because PCs touched them.
12. I do not need to detail every room and floor of a building the PCs are not allowed into, especially if there is no reason for the PCs to go into it.
13. If I put a new location on the map, it should be somehow relevant to the game.
14. If I don't know what the difficulty is, it is not automatically "You fail".
15. I shall not just keep throwing stronger enemies at their characters until they die.
16. My NPCs shall not be more interesting or have more complicated day-to-day lives than my PCs.
17. If I botch a roll, there is no excuse for going back and saying "Oops, your character should have died three encounters ago. You're dead."
18. I shall not ever pick up a paperback novel and read aloud directly from it during a game session.
19. May no longer assign NPCs to the party based on Vampire Hunter D or Captain Jack Sparrow.
20. Especially if they're the party cleric.
21. Blitzball does not exist in Creation.
22. Nothing Records does not have its own personal squadron of F/A-18s.
23. And even if it did, the PCs are not allowed to call them in for airstrikes.
24. May no longer send party against monsters whose Challenge Rating is higher than all the PC's character levels combined.
25. The Wyld Hunt does not consist entirely of Dragonblooded sworn brotherhoods in color-coded warstriders.
26. Neither do the Imperial Legions.
27. And even if they did, the warstriders do not resemble giant robot dinosaurs.
28. "Nuke the site from orbit" is not a viable means of defending a corporate research facility from shadowrunners.
29. Descriptions of the BBEG's minions may no longer include the words "invincible," "katana-wielding," "scantily-clad," "explosive," or "hamster."
30. Especially not all at once.
31. Eliminster is not an acceptable NPC in any setting. Neither is Raistlin, Drizzt, or any other character from any D&D novel. This is especially true if it's a GURPS campaign.
32. The annoying ultra-powerful NPC that comes in to save the day is no longer allowed to be based on one of the players at the table, and have the same name, wear the same clothes, and look exactly the same.
33. Switching games in the middle of the session, without telling the players, is right out.
34. My Abyssal Deathknight antagonist isn't allowed to be named Still the Prettiest.
35. The Shadowrun Coffeeshop campaign was not a good idea.
36. Neither was the Rokea/Moloke crossover oWoD campaign called "Tastes like Chicken."
37. Cthulhu never surfs.
38. No door should be placed directly in front of an about-to-fire minigun
39. I will not allow a "3rd level Bishi" in my D&D game without unanimous player support.
40. I will not center an adventure on the value of Pi.
41. It is irrelevant which way the characters turn the key in the door.
42. "Localised Earthquakes" are not plausible ways to remove the effects of the Leadership feat.
43. I cannot declare a character dead because they fail to find a trap.
44. In the event of the above, I cannot claim the afflicted player does not exist.
45. In the event of the above two occurring, I will at least call in on the player and check they are alive and mentally sound.
46. Convenience store clerks do not carry flamethrowers for defending themselves against robbers.
47. May not allow a game to descend to the point where convenience store clerks have to carry flamethrowers to protect themselves from the PCs.
48. May not say to players, "This is a d20 game, but we're going to be using a Clix game from WizKids for combat."
49. Particularly if that game is Mage Knight.
50. I will not wait for a player to ask if a monster is in the room before telling him that there is.
51. If a PC dies, I will not spike their d20 and dance.
52. I will not ambush the players with blowguns and needles tipped with feces. Nor the player characters.
53. No longer allowed to shoot Vampire players in the chest with paintball guns when their characters get shot, so they "know what it feels like."
54. This goes double for players with mortal characters.
55. Even if I did just drop a month's wages on a Glock 9mm.
56. Threatening players with raw calamari during a Call of Cthulhu game is right out.
57. Just because the players say that they are OK with using some props, that does not mean I should come in costume.
58. Especially lingerie.
59. Especially, especially lingerie intended for a sex other than mine.
60. Generally, no one wants to be reminded to think about my gender.
61. If something is forbidden for all the other players, I must also forbid it for my girlfriend's character.
62. The Hobgoblin king is not allowed to have brought the entire Nazi army through his time portal.
63. Especially not in Blue Rose.
64. I must include some magical treasure other than girdles of masculinity/femininity in the dungeon.
65. I shall not give any player a cursed item, if the whole extent of the curse is "you can't get rid of it! no matter how hard you try."
66. Cursed items shall not outnumber regular magical items.
67. Making a player cry is not a sign that I am a good GM.
68. I cannot switch the game's conflict resolution system on the fly from percentile to thumb wrestling.
69. My girlfriend is not allowed to take levels in the 'Awesome' prestige class.
70. I am not allowed to put in challenges that can only be safely bypassed if the players specifically state they look up, or otherwise specifically say they do something that you would expect them to be doing normally - like breathing.
71. I can't tell my players their bowels have ruptured because they haven't told me their characters are going to the bathroom.
72. I must make sure Mr. Welch's list is current and that he's signed off on every new addition before play begins.
73. I cannot bring my vintage, crystal gamescience d4 collection to the game if I cannot keep the dice on the table. Not even to simulate difficult terrain for the players.
74. I am no longer allowed to use the Teletubbies as major campaign adversaries.
75. Or as pregen PCs for one-shots.
76. Or for LARP.
77. "For the thunder that double handful of d6's make when they hit the table" is not a valid reason to jack up the encounter rating.
78. Not allowed to play the Pokemon movie soundtrack as mood music during the game anymore.
79. Especially when playing Unknown Armies.
80. Not allowed to use images from Rotten.com as visual aids.
81. Especially when playing Bunnies and Burrows.
82. Not allowed to create any puzzle whose solution involves dressing like a chimpanzee and dancing the bolero.
83. Never allowed to say the words "Roll save vs. constipation" ever again.
84. Or "save vs. diarrhea."
85. Not allowed to inform PCs walking down the street that the inhabitants of the building above them just failed their diarrhea saving throw.
86. Not allowed to build a campaign world in which the primary form of currency is old socks.
87. Must never again inform PCs that the only healer in town is a cranky old hermit known to the locals as Herman the Leper.
88. Especially in games of Transhuman Space.
89. When my players inform me that no gaming is better than bad gaming, this is not an excuse to dedicate the next session to filing my income tax returns.
90. May not create a homebrew system whose task resolution system is based around Dance Dance Revolution.
91. Not allowed to base my D&D campaign on the works of John-Paul Sartre.
92. "Monopoly: the RPG" was not a good idea the first twenty times I suggested it, and it still isn't.
93. Neither is "Candyland: the RPG."
94. No longer allowed to set games of Werewolf: the Forsaken on Gullah Gullah Island.
95. Or on the Island of Sodor.
96. Dora the Explorer is not the Prince of Miami.
97. She's not its Heirarch, either.
98. Neither is Spongebob Squarepants.
99. Nor Bob the Builder.
100. No longer allowed to take my three year-old daughter's suggestions for campaign ideas seriously.
101. May no longer make "Flaw: Carrying an Implanted Thermonuculear Device" a requirement for characters in my games.
102. Or players in my games, for that matter.
103. I am not allowed to apply templates to my players after they have already been playing their characters for two months.
104. Especially not if it includes a +6 level adjustment.
105. I am not permitted to play a video of the "Loading" screen from resident evil to heighten the tension.
106. The races presented in the players handbook are fine and do not need "tweaking for my campaign world".
107. Especially not if said tweaking involves the ability to manifest psychokinesis at will.
108. Not allowed to name the BBEG "Fluffykins."
109. Cannot give NPCs levels in "Court Jester," "Beggar," or "Woman of Ill Repute."
110. Especially not epic levels.
111. Under no circumstances is my BBEG allowed to be Fluffykins LeNoir, The Penniless Mistress of Mirth (Jst24/Beg22/WIR21).
112. No longer allowed to base NPCs off Adam Sandler.
113. Not allowed to kill off characters because their players forget to mention they've tied their shoes.
114. Especially when playing Weapons of the Gods.
115. An Infinite Jade Minigun is not an appropriate weapon for an Immaculate Monk.
116. Merchant caravans in Creation do not have cowcatchers.
117. Even if they did, "Stolen Cowcatcher" is not an appropriate Melee specialty for a Lunar.
118. Rule 24 Corrolary: may not allow characters to defeat said big baddy via uncanny luck. Sudden attack of hayfever is right out.
119. Absolutely forbidden from assigning five levels of experience in one night.
120. May not arbitrarily declare critical hits against the guy who took the last slice of pizza.
121. "Donald duck" impressions are inappropriate for the voice of the king.
122. When no one wants to play the cleric, I am absolutely forbidden to name the NPC cleric "NeoSporynn".
123. As above, and the female cleric cannot be named "Gynylotrymyn" either.
124. D4's are not to be used in LARPS, even though they "make good caltrops".
125. I will not reveal that the PC cleric's god is actually a demon half-way through the campaign.
126. ...Especially not a dretch.
127. ...Or a bullywug with a Hat of Disguise.
128. I will not turn Werewolf:the Apocalypse into a multi-genre hybrid with Palladium Heroes using d20s.
129. In said horror, I will not have a werewolf with a fetish called Excalibur, that is, of course, the real thing.
130. I will not make Changeling characters take points of Banality for going to the bathroom.
131. If I don't like a character, I will just say so instead of getting all passive-aggressive with the Banality points.
132. When the PCs in my CoC game unmask the evil head cultist, he will not be Old Man Withers from the abandoned amusement park, and he will not have almost gotten away with it if it hadn't been for those nosy PCs and their dog. Again.
133. When I tell the group that their superspy commander is based off of Nick Fury, I am allowed to be referring to the classic Marvel depiction, or the Ultimate Marvel depiction, but not to the movie with David Hasselhoff.
134. In Exalted, the Wild Huntsmen get bonuses for stunts just like everybody else, but they do not get bonuses for Python quotes.
135. I am running a role playing game, therefore I do not have two turntables and a microphone.
136. When the players say that they want to try something new I am honor-bound to take their word when they say that does not mean Exalted Sailor Scouts.
137. I can not in any way attempt to sneak the above into the campaign setting, no matter how much I think they would enjoy it if only they would try it.
138. At cons, no longer allowed to separate a character from the rest of the group and make her/him useless to the rest of the group because she/he decided to stand watch.
139. At cons and everywhere else, no longer allowed to separate a player from the rest of the group and let him/her sit alone in another room for the rest of the session because his/her character stands watch.
140. No longer allowed to run systems that I don't understand.
141. Before running a plane hi-jacking scenario, it is a good idea to know something about planes, sky marshals and airport security. Actually being inside a plane would be helpful too.
142. In the described hi-jacking scenario, the PCs should not be the terrorists.
143. The aforementioned scenario shall not turn into night of the living Flight 93, where the passengers attack the terrorist PCs as a mindless zombie horde.
144. "Hands-on" descriptions of sexual encounters shall not happen again.
145. I may not substitute Marienburg for Ankh-Morpork in my WFRP campaign.
146. Nor is Ankh-Morpork a close ally of Rokugan.
147. Must turn sound off if I am going to watch hentai anime while the players discuss strategy before opening the door to the boss monster.
148. When GMing at a con, may not humour the 12 year old munchkin when he attempts to use Change Self to look like an old wise man so that he can act as though he had the leadership feat.
149. When GMing at a con, may not bribe the 12 year old munchkin with candy or Hentai Anime fansubs if he shuts up.
150. When GMing at a con, may not bribe the 12 year old munchkin's Mother with Cunnilingus if she makes him shut up.
151. When GMing at a con, may not hype a group of 12 year old munchkins into playing BESM by telling them about kewl powers, and then revealing that we will be playing BESM: Gravitation.
152. Mr. Raymond may not GM at cons, period.
153. May not refer to the primary villian of the campaign as "that guy" because I forgot to write down his name.
154. May not have either zombies, ninja, nazis or pirates appear out of nowhere during a romantic scene to "spice things up for the other players".
155. Weapon Focus: Dwarf does not exist.
156. Dwarfes do not do 2d10 damage as a missile weapon.
157. I am not allowed to refer to the players as "the suckers".
158. Rule 121 Corollary: This goes for Durulz "kings" too.
159. Gaudeamus Igitur is not a recurring anthem among Ars Magica mages.
160. Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas is not an appropriate setting for Mage.
161. Just because I am an "experienced GM" does not mean I can run Exalted unread, "out of the box."
162. Or Nobilis.
163. Am no longer allowed to describe myself as an experienced GM.
164. "Sponginess" is not an attribute in Amber.
165. Or any other game.
166. Not allowed to design a homebrew system with more than fifty primary attributes.
167. None of my players have a d14 or a d33 that they can roll, even if my homebrew system calls for it.
168. Not allowed to create homebrew systems.
169. Not allowed to have anything to do with or even acknowledge the Game that Must Not Be Named.
170. I will not insist that all my players get deeply involved in my Wraeththu LARP.
171. No matter how much sense it makes, nor how intelligent the villain, they are not allowed to use an odourless, flavourless, colourless gas in the ventilation system to take care of the PC's permanently while they sleep.
172. "Just because it can fly doesn't mean it will" Is not a valid reason for the PC's hard fought for flying mount to be grounded.
173. "It's more like an escalator" is not a valid excuse when accused of railroading.
174. In the cinematic final battle with the Big Bad, I will not have him stabbed to death by an NPC henchman as he escapes out a back window.
175. Even if the players were the ones who set the NPC to guard the back window.
176. Even if I never touch the player, I cannot use LARP techniques to show the results of a successful Seduction roll.
177. Especially when I'm portraying a character of the opposite gender.
178. Even more especially, when my wife is in the room.
179. I will not huddle in a corner and cry when my players catch me in an inconsistency -- even if I am playing a 10-year-old NPC.
180. I will not create a 14-year-old female with supernatural powers who has a crush on one of the PC's (for a third time).
181. Especially when the player of said PC is a fundamentalist Christian.
182. Or my wife.
183. The evil big bad may no longer be a small girl trying to make the world cuter, one hideous monster at a time.
184. Heironeous will not sign notes to his paladins "The Big H."
185. I cannot handle fifteen players at once by myself.
186. Even moreso if it's a stealth campaign.
187. Healing is not applied directly to the forehead. Healing is not applied directly to the forehead. Healing is not applied directly to the forehead.
188. I shall not name NPCs "Dwarf Guy" and "Elf Girl".
189. Especially if they are not that race, or gender.
190. I will stop giving out poorly-disguised lightsabers in fantasy games.
191. Furthermore, I will stop making characters in my Ravenloft game take levels in "Jedi", no matter what I actually call it.