750 things Mr. Welch can no longer do in a RPG

Original thread

750 things Mr. Welch can no longer do in a RPG

1. Cannot base characters off the Who's drummer Keith Moon.
2. A one man band is not an appropriate bard instrument.
3. There is no Gnomish god of heavy artillery.
4. My 7th Sea character Boudreaux is not 'Southern' Montaigne.
5. Not allowed to blow all my skill points on 1pt professional skills.
6. Synchronized panicking is not a proper battle plan.
7. Not allowed to use psychic powers to do the dishes.
8. How to serve Dragons is not a cookbook.
9. My monk's lips must be in sync.
10. Just because my character and I can speak German, doesn't mean the GM can.
11. Not allowed to berserk for the hell of it, especially during royal masquerades.
12. Must learn at least one offensive or defensive spell if I'm the sorcerer.
13. Must not murder canon NPCs in their sleep, no matter how cliché they are.
14. Ogres are not kosher.
15. Plan B is not automatically twice as much gunpowder as Plan A.
16. I will not beat Tomb of Horrors in less than 10 minutes from memory.
17. Collateral Damage Man is not an appropriate name for a super hero.
18. When surrendering I am to hand the sword over HILT first.
19. Drow are not good eating.
20. Polka is not appropriate marching music.
21. No longer allowed to recreate the Death Star Trench Run out of genre.
22. There is no such thing as a Gnomish Pygmy War Rhino.
23. Any character who has a sensitivity training center named after him will be taken away.
24. Even if the rules allow it, I am not allowed to summon 50,000 Blue Whales.
25. The green elf does not need food badly.
26. Valley speak has no place in a fantasy setting. Especially if you're the paladin.
27. I am not to shoot every corpse in the head to make sure they aren't a zombie in Twilight 2000.
28. The Goddess' of Marriage chosen weapon is not the whip.
29. I cannot have any gun that requires me to continue the damage code on back.
30. I am not to kill off all the vampires in the LARP, even if they are terminally stupid.
31. The backup trap handler is not whoever has the most HP at the time.
32. I cannot buy any animal in groups of 100 or over.
33. There is no such skill as 'improvised cooking'
34. I am not allowed to base any Droid off any character played by Joe Pesci.
35. I am not allowed to convince the entire party to play R2 units.
36. I am not allowed to convince the entire party to sit on the same side of the table.
37. They do not make black market illegal cyberweapons for rodents.
38. When investigating evil cultists not allowed to just torch the decrepit mansion from the outside.
39. Gnomes do not have the racial ability 'can lick their eyebrows'
40. Gnomes do not have the racial ability to hold their breath for 10 minutes.
41. Gnomes do not have the racial ability 'impromptu kickstand'
42. Having a big nose adds nothing to my seduction check.
43. No longer allowed to set nazi propaganda music to a snappy disco beat.
44. Not allowed to spend all 100 character points on 100 1pt skills.
45. My character names are not allowed to be double entendres.
46. Sliver rhymes with silver because the computer frelling says so.
47. They do not make Nair in wookie sizes.
48. The elf is restricted to decaf for the rest of the adventure.
49. Not allowed to blow up the Death Star before that snotty farm kid gets his shot.
50. Not allowed to use thermodynamic science to asphyxiate the orcs' cave instead of exploring it first.
51. No longer allowed to use the time machine for booty calls.
52. My bard does not know how to play Inna Godda Davida on maracas.
53. Not allowed to start a drow character weighing more than a quarter ton.
54. Cannot pimp out other party members.
55. Before facing the dragon, not allowed to glaze the elf.
56. No matter how well I roll, a squirrel cannot carry a horse and rider at full sprint.
57. In the middle of a black op I cannot ask a guard to validate parking.
58. Expended ammunition is not a business expense.
59. Not allowed to pose the Netrunner in embarrassing positions when he's on a run.
60. Not allowed to short sheet the bedroll of impotent deities.
61. Can only taunt the ranger about his lack of swimming after my USCG E8 saves him.
62. I am not allowed to do anything I saw Han Solo do once.
63. No, I cannot buy 10,000 marbles even if I say please.
64. My paladin's battle cry is not "Good for the Good God"
65. There is no Summon Bimbo spell.
66. Not allowed to start a character that speaks every language except ones the party speaks.
67. There is no Kung Fu maneuver "McGuire Swings For Bleachers"
68. Bring him back intact includes redundant organs.
69. There is more to wizardry than magic missile. Even if I can do 200 damage automatic with no save.
70. Not allowed to cook up nerve gas in the sink even if the target number is 5.
71. There is no 'annoy' setting on a phasor
72. Not allowed to start a character who is over 100 years old unless he's an elf or dwarf. Humans are right out.
73. Not allowed to name my cudgel Ceremonial Whoopass Stick.
74. My thief's battle cry is not "Run And Live"
75. Nor is it "You take care of the orcs, I take care of the traps"
76. I am not allowed any artistic license while translating.
77. I did not get my super powers from James T. Kirk.
78. Not allowed to commission a pistol that costs more than a sedan.
79. I am not liquid metal.
80. When accepting a challenge for a duel, I must allow the other guy time to find a pistol.
81. A picture of my ex-wife is not an acceptable backup weapon.
82. Victory laps after killing the dragon with my 1d2 bow is considered in poor taste.
83. My gnome does not like big butts and he cannot lie.
84. Not allowed to talk my fellow inquisitors into buying a 220lb pull crossbow.
85. Not allowed to talk my fellow inquisitors into buying an industrial strength flamethrower.
86. Not allowed to make a superhero with a 99% chance of dodging even after the -10 penalty for a successful called shot.
87. There is no such thing as a dwarven katana.
88. My bard does not get a bonus to perform if she is obviously not wearing anything under her tabard.
89. The elf's name is not Legolam.
90. My swashbuckling fop cannot take the flaw Dark Secret: Not Gay
91. A wet towel does not constitute an improvised weapon.
92. The name of the weapon shop is not "Bloodbath and Beyond"
93. I am to remind my DM that he must never, ever give my paladin a dire boar for a mount again.
94. I cannot base my ancient kung fu master on neither Gene Simmons or Bluto Blutarski.
95. I must not put the Thunder God on the spot again.
96. No making up polearms.
97. My one wish cannot be 'I wish everything on this piece of paper was true'
98. There is no such thing as Speed Polka.
99. Not allowed to see if Jedi can parry a shotgun blast with their lightsaber.
100. When any character from a d20 sourcebook is allowed, that doesn't include System Lords.
101. I am not allowed to pave ANYTHING.
102. I am not authorized to start any civil engineering project on the taxpayer's dime.
103. There is no such thing as a Club +3 of Cup Checks
104. Nor is there a +1 Longsword, +5 against party members.
105. I am not allowed to polymorph anyone into Abe Vigoda.
106. I do not have weapon proficiency in cat.
107. There is no such game as Wereshark the Buffet.
108. No, I do not get XP for every single crewman on that Star Destroyer.
109. Not allowed to kill a vampire with any part from a DC-10 larger than my car.
110. Not allowed to serenade the party even if my character has an internal tape deck.
111. I did not pick the garrote skill last week from my grandmother.
112. If the gun can't fit through the x-ray machine, it doesn't go on the plane.
113. My Droid is not allowed to paraphrase any Jack Nicholson soliloquy.
114. The Demilich only falls for getting stuffed in the bag of holding once.
115. My musical instrument does not double as a personal flotation device.
116. Not allowed to take a coffee break during the final super villain showdown.
117. I am restricted to memorizing Floating Disc only once per day.
118. I will pick a more traditional paladin weapon instead of a sledgehammer.
119. My character's names cannot be anagrams of playboy playmates.
120. Not allowed to kill another party member with a boomerang again.
121. I am not a contractor for Dragon Cave Cleaning Services Inc.
122. The paladin's alignment is not Lawful Anal.
123. Not allowed to forget to mention traps when the powergamer has point.
124. I cannot insert the words "Kill Phil, Sorry Phil" into any list of instructions.
125. Lingerie can only snap coincidentally so many times per day.
126. Dwarves do not count as burrowing animals.
127. Not allowed to download AOL 6.0 on the Arasaka mainframe.
128. Polka Gnomes exist only in my mind.
129. Not allowed to name my ship The Antidisestablishmentarianism.
130. I am not authorized to form the head.
131. Not allowed to bet how many times the lich bounces.
132. There is no such feat called "Death Blossom"
133. My acrobat cannot balance on the warlord's head for more than one round.
134. The King's Guards official name is not "The Royal Order of the Red Shirt"
135. I cannot demand payment in electrum, backrubs or bubblewrap.
136. I cannot start the 7th Sea campaign with 3 confirmed Drachen kills.
137. I do not have a scorching case of lycanthropy.
138. If the mere thought of it costs the others sanity, I'm forbidden from doing it.
139. My bard is required to take levels in the perform skill and cannot 'just play by ear'
140. The Dutch language does not exist in the Forgotten Realms.
141. My maid does not know kung fu.
142. Not allowed to give a 4 year old a sugar rush just to jack up the CR later.
143. Not allowed to by a holy symbol for every god just in case one of them is right.
144. There is no such thing as pleather armor.
145. I cannot go back in time to cut in line at the Declaration of Independence so everybody now is asked for their Terrence E. Woczinski when signing documents.
146. Not allowed to play an Australian in any game set before 1600.
147. Hobbits are not allowed to have Norse ancestry.
148. There is no Gnomish Deathgrip, and even if there was, it wouldn't involve tongs.
149. Looting the unguarded baggage train is not considered a glorious victory.
150. Not allowed to create recreational drugs in suppository format.
151. Halflings do not have a racial proficiency with the flamethrower.
152. When the guy is at -9 HP is not the best time for my cleric to convert him.
153. I will not propose to every noblewoman at the royal ball until I crit my charisma check.
154. I am not allowed to rub the monk's head for luck.
155. I am not allowed to rub any part of the elf chick for any reason.
156. When one person forgets to buy rations eating the half-elf is not our first option.
157. Any capital scale weapon is not 'my little friend'.
158. I will not declare myself a god just so I can grant myself spells.
159. Airlocks do not double as trash disposals.
160. I will not load any gatling weapon with nothing but paint rounds.
161. I will not nail every single female party member except for the elf chick played by that creepy guy.
162. What ever monster we just killed is not to be tonight's dinner.
163. Not allowed to try and make a dire version of any dog of the toy breeds.
164. I am not to tattle to the halfling assassin's mom about his career choice.
165. I am forbidden from replacing anything with folger's crystals to see if they notice.
166. Not allowed to bribe the enemy commander into withdrawing with a stolen Elvis LP collection.
167. I was not recruited by Star League for any reason.
168. I was also not recruited by 12 dwarves and a wizard to rob a dragon.
169. I am neither the pagan god nor goddess of fertility.
170. I cannot name my character Xagyg or any anagram thereof.
171. My character's dying words are not allowed to be "Hastur, Hastur, Hastur"
172. At no point can I justify spending force points on a seduction check.
173. I am not allowed to recreate Veers' March of the AT-ATs on Zhentil Keep.
174. There is no use of Shatner's spoken word album that doesn't require a humanity check.
175. I am not directly descended from either Huey Lewis or any member of the News.
176. I cannot make called shots to the plectrum, anvil, stirrup, hammer or Isle of Langerhans.
177. Stinking cloud is a privilege, not a right.
178. There are no profanities in Celestial.
179. Chummer means he is my friend, not that sharks find him tasty.
180. I have neither the touch nor the power.
181. I cannot quote Shakespeare in Crinos.
182. No figuring out the plot and killing the actual villain five minutes into the adventure.
183. There are no rules for cooking corn dogs in any d20 supplement.
184. A starting character has no need for 100gp worth of hemp rope.
185. My bard does not need roadies for a dungeon crawl.
186. No cutting line to be a god.
187. I cannot gain more than three drama die per session for making the GM pee.
188. I cannot play a elf with a Scottish accent, nor a Cajun dwarf.
189. Tourretes is not a flaw, it is a reason to kill the character at creation.
190. Duel wielding small animals is strictly forbidden.
191. My character is not related in anyway to Boba Fett. This goes double for Star Wars characters.
192. If the gun is best fired using the artillery skill, my character is not allowed to have it.
193. Not allowed to kill vampires with seismic charges.
194. When the other guy picks swords for the choice of weapons, that does not leave me pistols.
195. I cannot use a silent feat enabled power word stun and blame it on the dog.
196. I cannot name a character anything that I can't say politely in another country.
197. My epic level character cannot take on the minor goblin menace to his country just to stay sharp.
198. Not allowed to steal my own soul.
199. My third wish cannot be 'I wish you wouldn't grant this wish'
200. I cannot name my character cliché canon characters from other systems.
201. My thief is prohibited from speaking solely in Cant.
202. Character descriptions cannot contain two of the following words: Slavic, Tonedeaf, Karaoke, Musician.
203. My superhero's strength is not classified as snazzy, neato or bodacious.
204. I am not too sexy for the elf, too sexy for the elf, so sexy myself.
205. My 3rd ed. Red Wizard is not allowed to start a business named Thay Co.
206. I cannot forge a +1 sword of Brad's Min/Maxed Paladin/Monk Slaying.
207. The following weapons are not legal choices in a duel: Steamroller, Nerve Gas, Landmine, Midget.
208. I cannot whine about the crappy selection of magical bec de corbins.
209. My Paladin's heraldry is not a smiley face.
210. My Antipaladin's heraldry is not Mr. Yuk.
211. If at any point if my dwarf takes on the mannerisms of Macho Man Randy Savage, he dies.
212. If the party always starts the adventure in a tavern, I cannot opt to start in a brothel.
213. I am not the patron saint of common sense.
214. There is no prestige class Drizzt Slayer.
215. They do not make heavy weapons in pump action.
216. There is an upper limit to the number of Bozo boostergangers I can get in a Volkswagon.
217. If the weapon is capable of staking vampires hiding behind engine blocks, I can't have it.
218. No matter my alignment, organizing halfling pit fights is a violation.
219. In formal introductions to royalty, I must not introduce my companions as just "The Other Guys".
220. I am not the master of the low blow or the gang up.
221. If I get that Yugo up to 120mph again, that's gonna get some paradox.
222. Druids are not against my religion.
223. I cannot convince the Solo he has a cortex bomb when he really doesn't.
224. I cannot insinuate elf chicks are all easy, even though you never hear about a half gnome do you?
225. I am forbidden from monologuing.
226. Troll bubblegum...bad idea.
227. My last wish cannot be "I wish we were playing another game."
228. I cannot use my time machine to hire Hitler a hooker in 1920, thus avoiding WW2.
229. Not allowed to spontaneously check if the elf can take a punch.
230. There is no such thing as monofilament tooth floss.
231. I am not allowed to do anything that would make a Sith Lord cry.
232. It is not possible to recreate any scene from Dr. Who in Crinos.
233. If I am the medtech it is generally assumed I am going to have skill in medicine.
234. My character does not get d34 HP a level.
235. My Samedi is required to have dots in obfuscate.
236. My character has no need for 24,000 cartons of cigarettes, especially in his neighbor's garage.
237. Not allowed to use more than 3 words per game that the GM has to look up the definition.
238. My bard cannot play or has ever heard of the theremin, didgeridoo or glass armonica.
239. Ditto for the Rockerboy.
240. Any character with more than three skills specializing in chainsaw is vetoed.
241. Cannot use the jedi mind trick to get out of a speeding ticket.
242. Not allowed to give quicklings Mountain Dew.
243. Cannot cast haste on the king during a long winded speech to get him to hurry the hell up.
244. Not allowed to taunt the rest of the party in 8 different languages because they forgot to take any.
245. Not allowed to attend any opera whose name the GM confuses with a strip joint.
246. I cannot keep selling that creepy guy's always naked elf chick to nomads every chance I get.
247. If the king rewards me with a forest, I am to assume he intends for me to keep it a forest.
248. There is no Halfling god of groin shots.
249. If a black op requires me to impersonate an employee, I cannot bill the target for overtime.
250. Superfluous Man is not a viable superhero concept.
251. I am not the Boogie-Woogie Bugle Boy of Gundam Wing Z.
252. I can not order the Druid to transform and roll out.
253. If the other party members forget to take any food prep skills, not allowed to let them starve to death.
254. I cannot blow 5 paradox in: A police line up, the candy aisle of Krogers, the Miss America Pageant.
255. I cannot create a superhero that can palm the moon.
256. The following cleric domains do not exist: Wet T-Shirts, Atheism, Keggers
257. I cannot wish nobody else gets wishes.
258. There is no such thing as Skyclad Armor +5
259. My Highlander's name cannot be McHammer.
260. Gnomes do not have a racial bonus in bobsled.
261. The Barbarian's name does not translate into "Screams like little sissy girl" in my language.
262. When the GM forces the plot, I cannot make choo-choo noises.
263. Not allowed to attempt to kill the Hutt by pouring salt on him.
264. I cannot use the time machine to go to Ancient Greece where all the women were leather clad, oiled down with big bosoms.
265. It assumed my mechwarrior knows at least what one of the buttons in his cockpit does.
266. At the end of a black-ops, I cannot crank call C-SWAT on the target's phone.
267. I cannot yell "FREEBIRD" every time the bard makes a perform roll.
268. Mr. Welch is not allowed to speak in 3rd person.
269. My character cannot hear the soundtrack.
270. I cannot derail the adventure for a two hour in character discussion on the qualities of rope.
271. Tracheotomies are best left to characters with skills in medicine.
272. No skill allows specializing in defenestrating.
273. No matter how smart I make my animal companion, he still can't take the tax accountant skill.
274. I cannot commune with the Gods during peak hours.
275. I must remember at dinner time Rock is not a dwarven delicacy.
276. I must remember at dinner time Log is not an elven delicacy.
277. My half-ogre cannot surprise the halflings with spontaneous games of dodgeball.
278. Anything the DM has to ponder the full impact of for more than a minute is forbidden.
279. I cannot base any elf off of any British Prime Minister.
280. Thermonuclear hand grenades do not exist in any genre except Paranoia.
281. I cannot get emotionally attached to any generic nondescript unnamed NPC.
282. Even if laughter is the best medicine, it still doesn't restore any of my HP.
283. I have been assured with total certainty Ralph is not a Japanese name.
284. When the CO asks for volunteers, I can't help others make a decision.
285. I am not from Margaritaville, and even if I was, that doesn't excuse the Hawaiian shirt and lawn chair during the dress inspection.
286. No character of mine can start with 400 previous convictions for any misdemeanor.
287. When asked for advice before a fight "Don't wet yourself in public" is not what they were looking for.
288. I cannot name my character after another PC already in this game.
289. My character does not have the flaw Addiction: Helium.
290. I cannot figure that the dungeon we're in is the Pac-Man maze and point it out to the rest of the party.
291. I cannot form a huddle to discuss strategy before facing the final monster in the dungeon.
292. I cannot take all the monsters I've killed to the taxidermist after the adventure.
293. Clowns shoes have no place in a dungeon crawl.
294. My dwarf is not claustrophobic, likewise, my elf is not agoraphobic.
295. When my enemy blinks does not give me an attack of opportunity.
296. I cannot make called shots with a crew served weapon.
297. I cannot hand out artillery flares to the bad guys on New Years and tell them they are roman candles.
298. Sprechen Sie Bang-Bang? is not real German.
299. I do not get any XP for anyone I kill by stampeding sheep.
300. I cannot give the rebel operatives the codenames Luke, Han, Chewie or Yoda.
301. May not play a swarm of piranha in any genre.
302. Blind taste-testing is not an accepted method of shopping for weapons.
303. No longer allowed to take the new tank for a joyride through the minefield.
304. "Killing a man just to watch him die" is not acceptable behavior in Shangri-La.
305. Not allowed to tell the King to shake my hand after I spit on it, to close a deal.
306. Noogies and royalty do not match.
307. Swinging from chandeliers into the bar brawl is perfectly fine for a swashbuckler, but not for my unarmored halfling accountant.
308. Especially when he's swinging the payroll sack as a weapon.
309. Gelatinous cubes do not make "Chef's Dessert Surprise".
310. I am not allowed to get into a human eating contest with a Shoggoth and go though with it.
311. Not allowed to use tac nukes to clear rooms.
312. Definitely not allowed to taunt the Cybertank with the line "Big deal, you're only CR 2!"
313. Must not call Gandalf the White... Gandy, Gandork, or "that thief with use magic item skill."
314. Must not taunt Elron with any "Mister Anderson" or "Mister Bilbo" jokes and impressions.
315. Must not use Palantirs and crystal balls as catapult ammo.
316. Paladins cannot using dead, plague ridden animals as a means of conversion.
317. Not allowed to call artillery fire on own grid square to test the trenches.
318. Nitroglycering juggling is not a way to kill time on watch.
319. Ten overall levels in not kosher.
320. Neither is twenty.
321. Not allowed to wager using the souls of the PC's without their permission.
322. Kittens are not valid ammunition in any classic superhero campaign.
323. Cannot open airlocks in Jump space just to see the pretty colors.
324. Cannot use any Brittany Spears sound track as jump coordinates anymore.
325. There are no DnD alignments called Progressive, Dish, Ding, Bob, Belgium, or Romulan.
326. Cannot use the Hand of Vecna for any gags. That goes double for the eye.
327. When undercover, cannot hand toilet paper to Nazi's when they ask for papers.
328. And add "wipe well."
329. Cannot reprogram any construction robots with the sexbot SnM OS.
330. The party have banned me from demanding to the group be paid in fish, or shrimp or any perishables.
331. Not allowed to tell the Elf "Live long and prosper."
332. Cannot use the tank to press grapes.
333. Not allowed to use Anti-matter missiles on planets because someone "looked funny at me."
334. Cannot use poison gas to kill criminals who are holding hostages. Nor in cities. And definitely never a tanker full anywhere.
335. Not allowed to make any character listed in the League of Rejected or Embarrassing Superheroes in a serious campaign.
336. Cannot use a corpse and ventriloquism in a CoC game.
337. The one thousand rubber chicken trap is funny only once.
338. Cannot do any jokes that lower San of fellow PC's.
339. Cannot summon Deep One to got to store and pick us up a six pack. Anymore that is.
340. Cannot shoot the party's negotiator because she forgot to add the inflatable troll love doll in the payment.
341. Saying "Can you hear me now?" during the radio check is a shooting offence.
342. Asprin cannot cure mummy rot.
343. Kender. Blam. Next character.
344. Sailor Vinnie is banned.
345. Must never drop skyscrapers to kill a small normal roach.
346. I cannot buy Two million tons of Via gra.
347. I cannot buy Two million gallons of Crazy Glue.
348. Must not teach Ballet to space aliens anymore.
349. I must not keep the petrified gnome on my front lawn. Nor can I turn a real gnome to stone and place them in the front yard.
350. Cannot tell Leia that Aldeberan looks better as an asteroid field, that it had it coming to them, or cheer up real estate prices are down.
351. Cannot tell Vader to "Get a life" or give him an inhaler until we get to the elite status.
352. When cooking for the group, I'm not allowed to garnish the stew with magic mushrooms just before serving.
353. Nor can I yell fight! After they start feeling the effects.
354. Cannot install screen savers on the HUD.
355. Cannot install any games on the Battle Computer. Cannot delete any programs on the Battle Computer.
356. I cannot use RPV's to locate the highest concentration of easy women.
357. Cannot call mercenary unit Team Via gra.
358. Must not hire Vargr for sensitive positions. Um. Anymore.
359. Strategic nuclear weapons cannot be used for slapstick. Oh wait. Cannot use any unauthorized nukes as well.
360. Group money cannot be used to start fires.
361. Cannot hard wire any tri-vid games into any computer.
362. Cannot paint "Ronson" or "Tiger Fodder" on any Sherman tank, even though it is true.
363. Cannot paint "Large Slow Target" on any Landing Ship Tank (LST).
364. Cannot make NPC's wear red shirts with concentric circles except in IOU.
365. Or any PC.
366. Cannot combine the T-rex genes with anything except in IOU.
367. Emperor Strephen's Grand Spring Ball and Hanse Davion's Founder's Day Ball, are not clothing optional.
368. Me sa Gungan! Blam! Next character.
369. Cannot steal Imperial Marine grav-tanks for joyrides.
370. Cannot call in Arclight strikes without a map and blind drunk.
371. Cannot call in Arclight strikes to frag the REMFs.
372. Anti tank weapons cannot be used in melee without the meleeist's permission.
373. Cannot use dead face huggers for pranks.
374. That goes double for live face huggers.
375. Absolutely cannot take the cybertank out for paintball. That goes double for telling it that it gets extra points for each of the opponent squashed.
376. Cannot cross marijuana genes with kudzu or any weed.
377. Must never attempt to give any Mnoren a noogie.
378. Yoda is not to be addressed as a "decrepit Muppet."
379. Must wait until 17th level before picking fights with epic CR monsters or NPCs.
380. Don't feed the Chtorr... willingly. Cannot keep a Chtorr as a pet as well.
381. Must not use vampire blood in any experiments when the Slayer is around.
382. Must not call in fake deaths to the Gold Cross.
383. Cannot give Leia slave girl costumes for her birthday.
384. Me sa just talk like Gungan! Blam! Next character.
385. Cannot conveniently forget the blast radius of a fireball.
386. Cannot make a Squonk.
387. I cannot play mind games on unbeatable dragons.
388. Wants TPK cannot be taken as a disadvantage.
389. Must not leave cowbells in the temple dedicated to minotaurs.
390. Must remember not to taunt the evil god before we burn his temple.
391. Never ask clarification from the general, "bring him back... how much alive?" and definitely don't go into detail.
392. After outlining his plan, when the Supreme Allied Commander asks any questions, "boxers or briefs" is not an appropriate question, nor is "what the hell were you thinking?" or "Man, did a moron think of this plan?" and saying "that's the stupidest plan I have ever heard!" is right out.
393. Antimatter weapons should not be used when you need a light for reading.
394. Cannot hook up the unlimited power sourced to the unlimited weapon without reading the manual.
395. When wiring bombs cannot use only wires of one color. Nukes comes under this rule as well.
396. Cannot use Shoggoth goo in any experiments. Really. Or market it as a lubrication for love.
397. Cannot make deals with Shoggoths for goo. Dunno why.
398. When a CoC spell calls for human sacrifice, I cannot cast it.
399. Cannot challenge other PCs by saying "Whoever gets to San 0 first wins!"
400. Cannot use barding as a weapon, sex aid, or as armor worn by a human.
401. My D&D sorcerer is not allowed to use the Change Self and Mirror Image spells and the Perform (Ventriloquism) skill to impersonate other party members during a dungeon crawl.
402. Nor is he allowed to use the Change Self and Mirror Image spells and the Perform (Dance) skill to impersonate other party members and make them appear to Riverdance.
403. I cannot use the Alchemy skill to create Unguent of Stinking Cloud and sell it to the cleric of Kord for use as underarm deodorant.
404. No longer allowed to make a Physical Adept that specializes in wielding dual Monofilament Whips.
405. Not allowed to make my own vehicles when the GM doesn't know the VCS.
406. Not allowed to artificially inflate vehicle design costs and claim the extra money as character income when the GM asks me to make vehicles for him.
407. The Jedi Guardian must not ask "Do you want to surrender or a third nostril?"
408. Not allowed to give any Droid split personality.
409. And those personalities must never be Gir/HK-47.
410. Before adding the honorific "[Insert monster here] slayer" to any characters name character MUST ACTUALLY HAVE KILLED at least one [insert monster here].
411. Ranger cannot have a giant space hamster for a mount or animal companion.
412. If any other character has a giant space hamster animal companion and it wanders into the local magic shop the rest of the party has never seen said character before in their lives.
413. Even if the party consists exclusively of Kender and Kender are the only intelligent life on the world where the campaign takes place I am STILL not allowed to play a Kender.
414. No convincing ANYONE that the oil of burning is actually topical ointment for that unfortunate rash.
415. No pranks involving amputated troll parts, locked chests and the local treasury.
416. No pranks involving potions of dragons breath.
417. Firing a grenade launcher into melee combat is B A D.
418. So is asking "ooooo what does THIS button do?" in the local magic shop.
419. Ditto the TL10 armory.
420. And the missile silo.
421. No creating superheroes based off characters created by Garth Ennis E V A R.
422. No offering the NPC monks a lifetime supply of Turtle Wax and a case of shamis in exchange for their help.
423. Any prank which results in the National Guard getting called in to restore order is right out.
424. If FEMA fast-responders are involved in the aftermath it is not a prank, it is a felony. Probably several.
425. Requesting "Bad Moon Rising" at the local vampire nightclub when you are playing a werewolf is funny only once.
426. Ditto "Werewolves of London."
427. Replacing the lightbulbs in the restrooms of the local vampire nightclub with sun lamps is always funny but in extremely poor taste.
428. When you are playing a vampire yourself it's just sick.
429. No creating any character who requires a trip to the local slave market to purchase field rations.
430. Football/Soccer Hooligan is not an appropriate choice of cover occupation for a spy.
431. I am not to introduce the wizard and his familiar as "Brainiac and the hor'derve."
432. No matter how much better it tastes, I will not dump out the contents of my canteen and replace it with the cleric's stash of Holy Water.
434. Ditto for actually replacing the Holy Water with said contents of my canteen.
435. Sword-swinging, loin-cloth clad barbarians are not an appropriate character type in a Cyberpunk game.
436. Although they are technically legal according to the rules, they are not really appropriate in Traveller either.
437. I am not to refer to the Monster Summoning spell as "Conjure Lunch."
438. Fire is not the answer to everything.
439. Just because it's flammable doesn't mean it should be set on fire.
440. Not allowed to use Defenstration as a legal defense against annoying PCs.
441. Not allowed to torment the local Animal Control officer by shapeshifting into a cat.
442. Not allowed to play Frisbee with manhole covers.
443. Not allowed to play American football. At all.
444. Epcot's Figment did not "Sell out his fellow dragons."
445. Not allowed to change any re-enactment of "St. George & the Dragon."
446. Not allowed to call Mr. Fisk "That pudgy lumptard" at parties anymore.
447. Do not taunt the T-1000 to a drinking contest.
448. Not allowed to curl up on Babba Yagga's lap as a cat and demand scritches.
449. Not allowed to get drunk and have philosophical debates with a fern.
450. Not allowed to get the fern drunk either.
451. If your fellow PC is on fire, do not "stomp out the fire" with a washing machine or similar sized object.
452. Not allowed to send hate email to any address ending in "dot gov."
453. Not allowed to pretend I'm "Rambo" with a GAU-8/A Avenger, even if I have the strength to wield it as a personal weapon.
454. S.H.I.E.L.D. does not stand for "Stupid Humans In Expensive Looking Duds."
455. Nick Fury is not to be referred to as "Captain Nicky."
456. I am not now nor ever will be "The Greatest American Hero."
457: The saying "Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day / Teach a man to fish and he will eat for life" is not an Ancient Wisdom on my home planet of Arrakis/Tatooine/Athas.
458: Nor is "Fish are friends, not food".
458. Not allowed to play "Chicken" on the OIA tarmac in an H2.
459. Not allowed to let the telekinetic ST 45 mouse drive the H2.
460. Not allowed to use the Stargate to dial for pizza.
461. Nor is the Stargate to be used to "Crank call" the Asgard.
462. Pouring cool-aid mix on the water weird is only funny once.
463. Not allowed to steal the Secret Master's credit card.
464. And then purchase 6 pizzas, 2 dozen donuts, and a yoo-hoo with it.
465. Not allowed to use the Illuminati bathroom in Warehouse 23 to make LSD brownies.
466. Also don't dump the brownies in the kompasaur cage. Suger induced mini-dinosaurs? Bad idea.
467. Not allowed to tell people that there is a (FNORD) around the (CENSORED) behind the (YOUR NOT CLEARED FOR THAT), even if it does have neon blinking lights. And
468. No longer allowed to play with high explosives.
469. My gadgeteer may no longer hollow out small animals to act as camouflage for his spybots.
470. I cannot solve the mystery of where the portal goes by throwing it into The Gulf of Mexico and go watch CNN for unexplained flooding.
471. I will no longer blow up key NPCs unless I’m reasonably sure that their not the only people on the planet with the skills to save said planet.
472. I will use rope during space walks.
473. The person left behind on the ship should, at the very least, have a default to pilot the ship.
474. I’m not allowed to establish telepathic links with unfriendly aliens that have vastly superior intellects in order to see what happens.
475. Just because my character has an IQ 20, doesn’t mean I do.
476. I will not spend all my points in IQ and then proceed to attempt every possible mental skill the genre allows at default.
477. I will not keep rolling dice for no reason to the point that at the end of the session my character sheet looks like Braille.
478. Not everything can be powered by a mini nuclear reactor.
479. I will not stall the game by trying to figure out the area of affect for a mini nuclear meltdown.
480. Making a Sex Appeal check every time the GM gives me a new challenge is only funny for one session, if that.
481. When I know the GM won’t kill characters, it’s not nice to call his bluff by charging the gunman unarmed, and unarmored.
482. When playing with an old school D&D DM I shouldn’t argue that that goblins aren’t evil, just the result of a bad upbringing.
483. No matter how good the background story, the DM is well within his rights to make my Lawful-Good Necromancer lose his sanity less than one hour into game play.
484. When dealing with any new alien species for the first time I WILL WEAR GLOVES!
485. When another player is the center of attention, it’s rude to start fires in the ashtray while the GM is talking to them.
486. When my character is the center of attention, it’s rude to start fires in the ashtray while the GM is talking to me.
487. Any plan involving bulk orders of Undead is right out, no matter how many cannon-fodder bodies we have on hand.
488. The snatcher is not allowed to retrieve the book 'what we do next' or 'full detailed map of this maze' from a parallel dimension, even if he did roll a crit-success.
489. Not allowed to cast History, Images of the Past or Echos of the Past in a mystery game.
490. The shop keeper is not cannon-fodder, even though he is loaded with loot and treasure.
491. May no longer pay the bar tab with poisoned sharp-pointy anything to the gut.
492. May no longer pay the bar tab with anything sharp and pointy, even if it isn't poisoned.
493. The cleric healing the bartenders wounds also doesn't count for paying the bar tab.
494. No one in the TL3 game has a l33t magic sword of pwnage, and stop talking like that!
495. No matter how dire the situation, I will not download the killbot's program into the microwave in an attempt to use it as a maser.
496. I am not now, never have been, never will be Neo, Li Mu Bai, Wolverine or anyone else like that. So I should stop trying.
497. I will not link absorption to shrinking ever again.
498. Seeing something done on TV doesn't mean I can do it, especially if I was watching cartoons.
499. I will not mind control the Silent Strider into performing "I'm a little tea cup" ever again.
500. Even if he did deserve it.
501. Progress Quest is not a real game, and I will not get attached to any character from it.
502. Lighting the van on fire is not a good plan, even if it did cause what you wanted to happen.
503. Setting fire to anything, not expressly designed to be set fire to, is forbidden.
504. No, you do not burn a wood elemental to make it a fire elemental.
505. People, and especially party members, are not expressly designed to be set fire to.
506. Never allowed to take pyromania again.
507. Not allowed to talk about the sword you lost in the bar fight; yes the one that broke all the rules of item creation; even if it is the one that the GM gave to you in the first place.
508. No longer allowed to make a character who's backstory is more detailed than the GM's campaign backstory.
509. Not allowed to use 'Old Jeb', nor any ideas based off of Old Jeb (see rule 487)
510. No longer allowed to build a campaign around turning a computer on.
511. No starting intra-party firefights in the back of the getaway van.
512 12.7mm High Explosive Armour Piercing ammo is NOT the future of diplomacy.
513. Not allowed to stay and talk to the lich I just accidentally freed from centuries spent in an extra-planar prison. Especially if he's talking to himself about the destruction he will unleash on the general population.
514. Must not use flesh to stone spell to fireproof self and proceed to coat self with lamp oil and run through the campfire and into the hills.
515. "...or whatever you want" is not allowed in the phrasing of Wishes to Djinn.
516. Just because a character is immune to poison, that character does not require being addicted to belladona.
517. Rendering a character so insane that he is unusable in the first hour of a CoC game is not a goal.
518. The words "Mutant Cat", "Death Knight", "Plasma Cannon x2" do not belong on any future Rifts character sheets.
519. In the Original Traveler game my goal is not to kill off my own character during creation for several hours.
520. Kinder speaking Klingon, BAD.
521. Not permitted to pace high explosives with a 10 sec fuse in the corridor outside the armory of the ship we are trying to escape, before we figure out how to get off the ship.
522: When GMing Twilight 2000 or any other modern military game, I must not automatically assume that the player has the same military knowledge as the character. Specifically, that the navy officer's player knows that there is a difference between a Corvette and a corvette, so that she won't ask why the plan calls for a mortar strike on a sports car...
523. Using cobra poison is not proper business method.
524. Not allowed to let the mentally-challenged, stuttering Paladin negotiate with the dragon for the Gem of Despair.
525. Especially when I'm the Paladin.
526. Not allowed to encourage the Gun Droid to develop a Berserk disadvantage.
527. Not allowed to store dead "Chest bursters" in the tool box droid.
528. Don't store live ones in there either.
529. No longer allowed to launch a "Hello Kitty" lunchbox through a mass driver.
530. Grays don't understand what the middle finger salute is.
531. Don't joke about Grays and butt probes. You'll only encourage them.
531. When finding a mainframe computer with a TL at least 2 above yours, don't plug in the tool box droid and expect it to "Translate the Blue Buttons."
532. Do not argue with the captain of your starship. Doubley when he's a large bronze dragon capable of palming your head in one paw.
533. Elves and halflings cannot breed. There are no elflings. No dwarflings, either.
534. Don't even think about orclings.
535. I do not have a pair of trained attack ferrets.
536. My time-traveling/universe hopping device cannot be used to bring the Beatles into the world of Greyhawk so they can play "Your Mother Should Know" at my character's wedding.
537. There is no alchemical potion that will cause a vampire's fangs to turn purple and fuzzy.
538. Not allowed to bring the D&D party to Xanth ever again.
539. "Crack Whore" is not an acceptable character class. It is certainly not a variation of cleric.
540. There is no such thing as a Potion of Indivisibility, and it won't keep me from being sliced to pieces by orcs.
541. My quickling character cannot create sonic booms & shatter eardrums.
542. Not allowed to have any more quickling PCs.
543. That goes double for dwarfs and giants mating.
544. and NOTHING cross breads with pixies; especially giants.
545. Two half-elves mating does not generate a quarter-elf. And no, two quarter-elves do not breed and make a 32nd elf.
546. Not allowed to take 4 hours to make a mage character after the game has started.
547. Now allowed to change my mind in the middle and start making a minotaur fighter.
548. Especially if I don't tell the GM I'm changing.
549. Not allowed to get mad at the party when they think my minotaur barbarian fighter, being pursued by an orc war party, is actually leader of said war party and they put me down like a rabid dog.
550. Not allowed to make minotaurs ever again.
551. Even if the druid is a woodling, she cannot take tumbleweed as an alternate form. (See # 252)
552. Not allowed to have the Lillend sing the opening theme to Ghost in the Shell Stand Alone Complex Second Gig as a song for inspiring courage, even if it is eerily fitting.
553. Not allowed to make a character that will have 30 strength by the time they're level 13 using Savage Species progressions and wield a large greatsword as an ancestral relic with a huge greatclub as a backup weapon just because she has monkey grip and can easily afford the -2 to the attack roll ever again.
554. Not allowed to make a Lythari Psion with Vow of Poverty who gains the Saint template ever again.
555. No, the Woodling cannot cast Shillelagh on her arm even though her natural slam attack does do the same damage as a club wielded by someone of her size category.
556. A half-dragon monk with aberrant blood, improved grapple, and the half-giant base race is a grappling machine. This does not automatically mean she can take out a professional wrestler at level 2.
557. Not allowed to ask the drow whether he has a panther or just likes having two scimitars.
558. The Book of Vile Darkness is not acceptable reading material for a paladin of Tyr.
559. Nor is it acceptable reading material for a cleric of Lathander.
560. The Cyrinnishad is not a toy and disguising it as the Book of Exalted Deeds is a BAD IDEA.
561. Just because level 8 Initiates are required to create a cyberzombie doesn't mean there's a few of them hanging around nearby as backup.
562. Just because the cyberzombie CAN carry and fire two LMGs with no recoil penalties doesn't mean he HAS to.
563. The cyberzombie cannot be given adept powers, even if wallrunning is "really damn cool."
564. Never allowed to ever whisper the word "cyberzombie" EVER again within earshot of my shadowrun players.
565. "Crunch all you want, we'll make more" is not the Hive Tyrant's battle cry.
566. Ask my IC significant other when pregnant, "So, are we eating them or keeping them?"
567. Cast Command on the evil cleric who has kidnapped me, then force him to fetch me a shrubbery.
568. Greatsword sledding is not (and never will be!) a professional sport.
569. Just because the Kim Possible theme song tends to demonically play on repeat in my head after watching it with childthings does not mean my half-succubus vile cleric can use it as an incantation.
570. Touch of Juiblex is not an acceptable method of body disposal. Especially not when it's a member of your own party.
571. Cannot lie to GM when he asks if his juice tastes like it has alcohol in it.
572. Cannot keep spiking the GMs orange juice with vodka until he throws up.
573. I can't play a lecherous Paladin who follows party members to the brothel to watch.
574. I cannot refer to the GM as an evil sadist anymore, or ES or various combinations thereof.
575. Must not turn Traveller sessions into accounting sessions.
576.Going into a fetal position, sucking my thumb and calling for my momma is not the way to impress the king.
577. Cannot jump off tall buildings with the party grabbing hold if I do not have the flight spell.
578. Must remember, pillage before burn.
579. Cannot call in bomb threats to the Imperial Marine barracks.
580. Nor pick a fight with them.
581. Cannot fire Meson guns to clear corridors of the ship I am on.
582. Cannot sell the Paladin's warhorse without his permission. Even for a bag of magic beans.
583. Not allowed to play "Provoke the Paladin." Especially with corpses. And certainly not with ventriloquism. Again. Ahem.
584. Must not eat souls. Yeah, really.
585. Must not contradict the leader when he's bluffing.
586. Not allowed to shoot the radio in a taxi filled with 4 vampires and an Arab driver in NYC, even if you've been in torpor for 150yrs and don't know what's going on.
587. Not allowed to shoot out the backdoor of the Succubus (or any cliché) Club, just because the line is too long.
587. Not allowed to "Go looking for trouble" in Harlem when your character is a pasty, white, computer nerd, even though your buddy is an Arms Dealer, and you're both Brujah.
588. Not allowed to trick the Barbarian by playing off his violent side just send him to his death. . . . When playing a good cleric.
589. Not allowed to kick back and smoke a joint while the Dragon terrorizes the city with the excuse "The others are doing just fine."
590. Not allowed to use a loop hole to beat a greater demon/lesser deity just to take their plane from them.
591. Never, ever, ever allowed to repeat the goblin-boy story to any new players whom we'd like to see again.
592. Taunt the twinked soldier when the only weapon you have is ceremonial.
593. Cannot hire 999 Guardsmen and a Commisar for 'morale' and then tell them to charge at the tarrasque.
594. Cannot shoot NPC's with paintballs to improve their morale. Or with bullets. Or missiles.
595. Cannot play a tentacled horror that was a born again Christian in CoC.
596. Cannot attack C-SWAT in front of the police station.
597. I am not allowed to shout "charge" when I *know* the mage is casting Wall of Stone just because I think it's funny.
598. Cannot offer Jabba the Hutt diet pills.
599. I am not allowed to attempt to open doors using a satchel of plastic explosives and no demolitions skill.
600. Steal shiny things from celestial lions.
601. Bribe the God of Failed Safety Inspections for office furniture.
602. Buy a company of mercenaries with the departmental budget... even if it consists of a solitary peanut.
603. Be the droids you were looking for.
604. Floor circle-mates as a form of friendly greeting.
605. Use 'find the solution' charms in shadowlands.
606. Eat small emerald pattern spiders.
607. Let other exalts end circle-caused fights in pirate bars.
608. Hug spiky ghosts.
609. Tie the enemy's shoelaces together. ...even if they believe they are superior to you.
610. Fight dead miners' union leaders.
611. Spread descriptions of our superiors across the Underworld.
612. Tell the enemy our secret plan for thwarting their next move... even if they ask nicely.
613. Go to Hell just because we were in the Underworld.
614. Splice any bobstays.
615. Avast any mainbraces.
616. Play critics... even if they've previously judged the target unworthy. 19. Volunteer.
617. Name the constellations of the Underworld.
618. Release control art restriction.
619. Communicate solely through charades.
620. Communicate solely through memoranda.
621. Fly through heavenly gates at above the speed of sound.
622. Fly through gate 14 at speeds less than or equal to that of sound.
623. Use the ricochet technique with a catapult and mouse.
624. Impersonate a sneaking, hidden talking rock outside Fate.
625. Put a dog in their pockets.
626. Ask questions about questions.
627. Ask "What just happened?" after the party's bluffs.
628. Become a cheesy stereotype.
629. Plan.
630. Leave obvious corpses.
631. Ignore narrative imperative.
632. Evacuate any Solars.
633. Leave the quest target behind because she's sarcastic.
634. Request permission to keep Lunars... even if said Lunars followed them home.
635. Have unfinished business with inanimate objects.
636. Plug security breaches by writing a report.
637. Demand tips from Abyssals.
638. Deliver the wrong pizza to Abyssals.
639. Deliver the correct pizza to Abyssals.
640. Illume cities.
641. Invent silly words.
642. Blatantly tell the truth to anyone more powerful than them.
643. Fight Abyssals sitting down.
644. Make lists of things more unworthy than failing to tip the pizza delivery boy.
645. Use tent-related martial arts.
646. Pocket a warstrider.
647. Invite Lunars back to Yu-Shan for a meal.
648. Break the air speed record on the way in to Yu-Shan.
649. Ponder what I'm pondering.
650. Ice skate around the ceiling.
651. Shoot Time's yellow van with a LAW.
652. Go at mach 3 close to the ground in Heaven.
653. Yoink dramatic imperative.
654. Put elder Sidereals on sticks.
655. Yoink the Pattern.
656. Create small jumpers from Fate.
657. Unleash unholy repeating maggot throwers in crowded galleys.
658. Use illusionary weaponry. Or make believe weapons.
659. Play pattern spiders, even if they're critics.
660. Flirt with doors or the God of Exaltations.
661. Exhibit unnecessary schizophrenia.
662. Argue with geometry.
663. Sit in the middle of the room... even if it is later defined as a corner.
664. Be citrus fruit.
665. Be lawyers, or use lawyer-speak in their audit debriefings.
666. Reverse the polarity of the neutron flow... or redirect secondary power through the flux capacitor.
667. Use the Arrows of Destiny in any way whatsoever.
668. Refer to the McGuffin as the Arrows of Destiny.
669. Refer to the Arrows of Destiny.
670. Load themselves into catapults.
671. Summon Deathlords.
672. Impersonate geology.
673. Refer to items of clothing as "the cloaking device".
674. Park airships in Golden Gate Park.
675. Pay gods in custard... or rice pudding... even if the brand is Ambrosia.
676. Use 20th-century battleships to cloak their soulsteel flying devices.
677. Ask to see an Earth elemental's rocks.
678. Leave no stones unturned.
679. Be higher than the clouds (either meaning).
680. Break the light barrier, either.
681. I will not, if playing a middle- eastern/India type character, propose to the female characters that they'd live a life of comfort and ease if they join my harem.
682. Not allowed to punch bound prisoners, even if said prisoner was part of a gang who killed the hostage we were paid to rescue. That goes double for eating them.
683. Not allowed to summon a monster and order it to hit the prisoner.
684. Not allowed to coax the resident mage into casting Suggestion to make the prisoner crack his own nuts.
685. Not allowed to encourage the city guard to rough up the prisoners.
686. Not allowed to ask the noble patron to rack the prisoners to death, burn them at the stake, or otherwise torture them to death as your boon.
687. I must at least try to create a character that will last more than one gaming session.
688. If my character lasts more than one gaming session, I'm not allowed to create a spell/item that I can't undo myself if it has a permanent effect.
689. I'm not allowed to charm other PCs if I have the flaw "incurable genital disease."
690. I'm not allowed to pretend I've been possessed by a demon.
691. I'm not allowed to ask the first demon I meet to possess me in order to get around the rule above.
692. My first name is not "Hit me"..
693. I'm not allowed to show anyone the photograph of the Half-Giant in a nappy.
694. I can't drum with my spoons.
695. Drumming is not a special form of martial arts.
696. Jelling "I'm just the cook" will get me killed several times by the other players who'll even gang up with the arch-enemy just to slaughter me - even if it is true.
697. I'm not allowed to use boiling water as a contraceptive, even if that's what they used to do in ancient China/Japan.
698. I am not allowed to sleep defensively, no matter how high my Concentration bonus is.
699. Civil disobedience is an inappropriate response to the opening adventure hook.
700. The correct action is "I cast Featherfall." The incorrect action is "I attempt to land so that the elf breaks my fall."
701. The phrase, "I don't have to outrun the pack of wolves, I just have to outrun you" is an inappropriate use of the surprise round.
702. Attempting to impersonate the captain of the guard is not effective against the captain of the guard.
703. Vampires are not required to "make their foreheads bumpy" before attacking.
704. I am not allowed to join the alienist cult.
705. If I have a question for the party member attempting a Move Silently check, it can wait.
706. When scoring a Coup de Grace against a goblin with his own weapon, telling him "Stop hitting yourself" is unnecessary.
707. Cannot parley with Cthuga.
708. Nor use seduction skill on Cthuga.
709. Cannot light the forest on fire as a response to being attacked by people who are angry at you for trespassing on the forest.
710. Ismiteyoumuthafugga is not a valid name for a paladin.
711. You can not be Good and the cleric of a god who says "if demanding human sacrifice is wrong, I don't want to be right."
712. It is not the solemn duty of all CHA based casters to seduce those of the opposite alignment regardless of species, gender, or subtype.
713. Offer party members to dragon in trade for the tablets that I want.
714. Causing global thermonuclear war cannot be my goal.
715. Cannot send the party funds to Nigerian scammers. Nor to other scammers. Even if they are really convincing and seemed trustworthy.
716. Cannot give quicklings sugar, haste potions, or speed.
717. Absolutely cannot throw .50 caliber slugs into the campfire to wake up the next watch.
718. Must never bluff omnipotent or omniscient beings anymore.
719. Cannot be a cleric of self, me, I, myself, Bob, or any combination or variant of that.
720. Forbidden to borrow money from a PC, then retire my character.
721. Cannot make random mushroom stew anymore.
722. Must not keep gas spores as a pet.
723. Banned from telling anger management/issues jokes about the barbarian.
724. Cannot play a half flumph.
725. Must not blindly believe to the high level Ultra Crazy.
726. Cannot play the dare game with the high level Ultra Crazy and play to win.
727. Cannot give Scoobie snacks to any Vargr subsector leader or do any Scoobie impersonations. Rwow kay. Bang!
728. Still can't get XPs for immobile gazebos.
729. Cannot build any anatomically correct pseudo-biological battlesuits. Especially if they look like the pilot, hello kitty, or famous porn stars.
730. Forbidden from cloning any alien, elder god, or evil deity. That goes double for genetically engineering their DNA, using create undead spells on them, or pranks.
731. Must not ship anatomically correct inflatable sheep to Vulcan.
732. Cannot name character 'Urine, Urine Nation.' Or any variant thereof. Nor tell the other PC's to piss off if they can't take a joke, nor tell them I'm yella, or say let's shake on it and do something else. Unless in FATAL of course.
733. Shoggoths do not wear aloha shirts, nor do they want one.
734. Cannot act more insane than the San 0 Cultists. Even though it's not an act.
735. Must never convince all the players to model their characters after the Pirates of Penzance in a Traveller campaign. And never, ever break into a song in midgame.
736. Cannot make a Capital One barbarian in a 21st century campaign.
737. Cannot make a character that is a combination of FATAL, Wrathulhu, and Pokethulhu. Go petal tentacle thingie go! Must collect them... Blam!
738. Still can't play a Mark VI cybertank. Sigh.
739. Barney. Blam!
740. If a PC is turned into a cow I still can't milk them without their permission.
741. Can't let the doctor bet in the low lottery.
742. Teaaammm Jonaaah go! Not in Traveller. Damn.
743. Cannot bait the GM anymore.
744. It couldn't get any worse. Blam!
745. The fighter should loot bodies AFTER killing them. Ohhhhh.
746. Cannot call GM, MF.
747. Banned from trying to out crazy the Ultra Crazy.
748. Must not use allegorical insults on refs with bad tempers.
749. Cannot use Purina Puppy Chow as werewolf bait even though your puppy loves it.
750. Must let the party know where you put the minefield. "Guess" is not an answer. "Surprise" is right out.
751. Absolutely never, under any circumstance, allowed to call for "Close artillery Support"
752. This goes double for Exalted-style "Fire-from-Heaven" artillery.
753. Cannot taunt "lesser mortals" in Exalted
754. Not even if they are.
755. Especially not if they're Dragonblooded or other non-Celestial essence manipulators
756. "Repeating Crossbow" is not a proper specialty in a bronze-age game
757. Neither is Greatsword or M16A2
758. There is no non-magical ADnD 2nd Ed stone-age weapon that does a base damage of "12." It's a misprint, the neanderthals aren't the secret master race
759. "These books?" is not a proper response to "What's flammable?" when standing in any ancient library, much less the Library of Alexandria
760: Play a Half-Shogoth
761. Cannot sell the aircraft carrier Nimitz... again.
762. Cannot use the Nimitz to go for joy rides.
763. Cannot use the Nimitz to ram stuff just to see them sink.
764. Thou shalt not talk the party into playing four druids in 3.5.
765) Not allowed to boobytrap my own gun and then throw it to another player when they run out of ammo
766: Not allowed to ignore the GM when he shoots down my contributions to the game and act as if I did that anyway.
767) Musn't try and hide the diamond necklace OUTSIDE of my hat.
768) No longer allowed use a glass pickle jar as a hat.
769) If the hat has been stolen by the bad guys, I must not send them the diamond necklace in an envelope with instructions to hide it in the hat.
770) Do not hit on the demon king's daughter when we attack him in his own Hell.
771) Do not hit on the demon king's personal servants when we attack him.
772) Do not do anything else when the party is attacking the demon king.
773) Do help the party attack the demon king before they are completely slaughtered.
774. Cannot hit on the dragon.
775. Must not hit on the mule.
776. Absolutely cannot hit on the paladin's warhorse.
777. Can never use a flammenwerfer in a battle zeppelin again.
778. When carving messages on artillery shells, I cannot use runes and a big chisel.
779. Must leave cities standing after shore leave.
780. Not allowed to play catch with antimatter shells.
781. Cannot use strategic nuclear warheads as anti-personnel landmines.
782. Banned from making 20 gigaton bombs.
783. Banned from using 20 gigaton bombs as well.
784. Oh, and cannot use tac nukes to make pretty pictures that can be seen from space.
785. Cannot distil or bioengineer dirty socks into a biohazard/chemical warfare agents outside of IOU.
786. Cannot sell Warbot plans on e-bay for a "quick buck."
787. Cannot serve green slime as desert.
788. Cannot eat everything that I kill.
789. Not allowed to take FGMPs (Fusion Gun, Man Portable) on shore leave.
790. Must not commission 1.12 million action figures of self, using group funds.
791. Never, under any circumstance, to help the cook again.
792. On a related note, "More salt will fix it" is not a truism.
793. Emailing "Bomb president terror anarchism weapon smuggle " to myself, just to piss off NSA listeners, is prohibited
794. Especially when playing an NSA agent.
795. Assault Shotguns are not hostage situation-appropriate weapons
796. Laptops and lapdances are incompatible
797. "Liquid" does not necessarily mean "fire dampening"
798. DON'T switch pills between glasses at the local apothecary
799. Cell phones != secure communication.
800. You don't say "In Nomine Patri" just before killing somebody if you're on the devils side
801: I shall keep my Spoiler Junky habit to myself, and not ruin the module for others.
802) Instead of just saying something is cool, I will do something cool instead!
803) Just because the GM says "Well, now you know better" does not mean I have earned any XP.
804) When the party leader says "Don't telegraph our attack," should not take it to indicate I should instead phone the opposition to explain our tactics.
805) Not allowed to attempt genetic manipulation in any circumstance.
806) Especially not with PCs.
807) Especially, especially not in a bronze age game.
808) "Annoyance Factor" is not a biddable attribute in Amber, even if the whole group agrees that I clearly have first rank.
809) Not allowed to blow entire "emergency supplies" budget on parachutes, especially in game set on a sailing ship.
810) Never pet the dragon.
811) Will not make the hand gesture and Shick-SHACK noise of a pump shotgun action before every potential fight. Especially when my PC is carrying a sword.
812.) I will not roll to hide, on open plains, at the engagement point of a battle with a giant.
813.) I will not roll to hide after shooting said giant, without reason for him to lose track of me, after being told "nah."
814.) I will not reset my amount of available spells whenever I feel like it, or alter the amount of spells I can cast.
815.) I will actually read the books that depict and detail the rules set for my particular character, rather than assume I'm always right.
816. Elves are not "the other white meat"
817. Nor are they "Santas little helpers"
818. Or "Satans little helpers," for that matter.
819. My alchemist cannot create dietary supplements before the discovery of vitamins
820. Using "Fnord" as the password only works in I.O.U.
821) May not be a paladin of The Lady of Pain.
822) It's The Lady of Pain, not the Lady of Spain. Even if I have an accordian.
823) Bards do not have accordians.
828) PCs may not give pouches made from enemy scrotums as gifts.
829) Keep a running total of how many Commandments/tenets of the Litany/moral 'laws' left to break.
830) Causing stress checks on your own character is not a legitimate way to "toughen them up."
831) May not accept mercenary contracts from our blood enemies.
832) Tickling the dragon with a plain feather in the surprise round is not an option.
833) Must never, ever tag the Mark VI cybertank with anti-AI graffiti.
834) Getting lots and lots of tentacles cannot be my character's goal.
835) That goes double for eyes.
836) My alchemist may never, ever, screw around with pitchblende.
837) "Wall of Jello" is not, and has never been, an appropriate spell to take.
838) Mr. Welch should not repeat himself or speak in terms that are at all redundant, duplicated, or a reiteration of previous statements.
839) Mastering levels in bureaucracy will never, ever, allow you to force enemies to fill out a 1011-B-Z form every time they wish to strike at you.
840) Banned from firing Saturation Nuclear Clusters at waiters who are rude to me.
841) ...something to do with eating fellow PC's alive. Oh yeah, don't do it.
842) Cannot leave the dungeon without the party even if I'm full.
843) Must never burn down every abandoned or creepy mansions, before exploring it.
844) Cannot shake and bake rats.
845) Can never worship at every altar we pass.
846) Taking a rat familiar during the era of the black death is right out.
849) So not name anyone or thing Hastur.
850) May not use more nitroglycerin than I can carry.
851) By popular demand, I will not transport nitroglycerin without shock absorbers.
852) Must never use transport aircraft to drop Cybertanks in a lawn darts game.
853) Sigh. No more WMD's for me. But, it was only Ebola I improved...
854) Cannot own a Salsa boy hand puppet.
855) Getting banned from every city must never be my characters goal.
856) My paladin cannot use plague victims as catapult ammunition without alignment violations, and "but it's really funny" isn't a valid excuse.
857) Rigging corpses with fishing lines and pulleys to pull pranks in CoC is right out.
858) Cannot gut corpses looking for loot hidden in their entrails... after street brawls.
859) Asking how much XP is the king worth is not funny. Nor is asking how much the 860) XP queen is worth as well.
861) Painting a bull's-eye on the Sherman tank is not to be done. Flames, oven, the word tank in parenthesis, victim, piece of crap, miserable failure, the ref hates us, monkey tank, we are suckers, oh my god we're gonna die, or anything similar should never be painted on the tank. Even though it's true.
862) Referring to the 2.75 inch bazooka team as pa-ting pa-ting suicide force, tank chaff, team deathwish, or tiger toilet paper is not to be done. Even though it's true.
863) I must never, ever enrage mobs. Not until 6th level anyway.
864) Must remember that bluffs must be plausible and sane when dealing with the mostly sane.
865) Cannot let hallucinations speak for me.
866) When doing LSD, cannot not use anti tank weapons, mini-guns, or any other weapon. Um. Again.
867) Banned from put points into anything fart related.
868) Absolutely cannot do a total cavity search on the princess we rescued.
869) Planting a titan arum (Amorphophallus titanum) is absolutely prohibited.
870) Shapeshifting into a flowering one is not an option. Shapeshifting into a flowering forest of titan arum (Amorphophallus titanum) is sooo not happening.
871) My alien language is not composed of farting and tap dancing. Outside of Champions, TFOS, IOU, and Over the Edge.
872) Cannot dispose of corpses using a meat grinder in CoC even if my hamburgers are best sellers.
873) Can never gargle with nitroglycerin near PC's.
864) If I try to make Cthuloid monsters lose sanity, I must not involve the PC's, especially if I lock one up and subject it to 1,000 hours of Mister Robert's neighborhood straight.
875) Cannot sell live Deep Ones on e-bay.
876) Must not de-fang and de-claw a Deep One solely for the purposes of mud wrestling.
877) Unfortunately I cannot use said Deep One as a scarecrow.
878) Absolutely cannot make Deep One skin mask or skin suit. Saying "but they do that to us" doesn't cut it. Nor make it's skull into a helmet. Nor make Deep Finger necklace, nor fish eye earrings.
879) Cannot sell any part of Ubbo Sathla as a beauty aid.
880) My Dog Boy cannot be named Cujo.
881) Burning down our allies castle in a drunken fit is right out.
882) Eating our allies is never to be done. Even though they are tasty and would go well with Farfer beans and a nice Chianti. Oh and don't mention this to them. Oh and cannot offer to buy their dead, paying for them by weight and cut, even if you are offering top price.
883) Cannot make a stuttering, slurring, lisping, absent minded, hiccupping, sorcerer that uses weird, wild, improvisational magic using the points saved, to up the power to god like levels.
884) May never use the thermonuclear hand grenade in any improvisational comedy, traps, or thrown in a non-Paranoia campaign.
885) Cannot take pot shots at Tigress class battleships because I don't like their paint job.
886) Buying a comfy chair in Forgotten Realms to be used in "torture" is right out.
887) Convincing newbies to attack Imperial Marines in Battle Dress and sporting Fusion guns, with foils is not to be done.
888) Cannot take proficiency, simple ranged weapon, dwarf.
889) Anvils and safes are not acceptable munitions for the B-2 bomber. And that goes double for Yugo's.
890) Must never replace the anti-poison potions with a placebo just to compare their effectiveness.
891) May never replace the anti-nerve toxins with placebos just to compare their effectiveness.
892) Cannot use "High Intensity Missile Fire" against targets from make believe.
893) Oh yeah, massive amounts of hallucinogens and gunnery don't mix.
894) Can't avoid a dragon's DR by assraping it EVER again. Also, can't remind GM about said dragon fight.
895) Can't prove the witches don't wear panties, also again. Also, can't brag to party that witches don't wear panties. Even though its true.
895 - When playing Rebellion Era Star Wars Mr. Welch may not tell Luke “Leia has the hots for you, I think you should put the moves on her”
896 – When visiting the King of All Cats the first words out of your mouth may not be “Excuse me, but I really have to go. Do you mind if I use your litter box?”
897 – It is understood that Mr. Welch’s battle cry can no longer be “I fight for the highest bidder”
898 – It is further understood that Mr. Welch’s Silver Age Superhero’s catchphrase can’t be M*TH*RF*CK*R but a catchphrase approved by the comics code.
899 - When the GM introduces his homebrew world:
“Welcome to the world of Mysterium where the PCs are classic fantasy archetypes in a world where good and evil clash full of interesting NPCs. I’m proud to announce I designed this world myself to have an old school feel.”
You may not do a simultaneous translation for the benefit of slower players:
“Welcome to the world of Vanilla where PCs are stereotypes in a world full of fantasy clichés and Mary Sues. By the way, I was too cheap to buy a real setting so I hope you like fighting a lot of orcs guarding trapped chests in 10’x10’ rooms.”
No matter how accurate.
900. I will not write “Me” in the Played by section of my character sheets.
901. Nor will I write it on everyone’s character sheet
902. I cannot get my hands on a bowel disruptor. Especially not in d20 modern
903. There is no "Prolapse" setting on a taser.
904. If a demon offers to show the way out of a building burning, I cannot sell Terry's soul in exchange.
905. Especially if I know it's going to point at the doorway, which is on fire.
906. Not allowed to sell Terry's soul. Especially if he isn't playing
907. Not allowed to ghoul Tigers in the middle of Vietnam to stop them eating me.
908. Being a Malkavian is still no excuse.
909. There is no game system in which a dancing fetus is a viable character concept
910. Gnomes are no longer allowed to be my Ranger's favoured enemies.
911. Nor are they automatically evil.
912. My Paladin is not allowed to follow the God of Gnome Genocide.
913. There is no God of Gnome Genocide, nor can I become one.
914: I do not get XP for killing myself.
915: I do not get XP for killing the GM. Even if I'm the next one in line.
916: Cannot use Raise Dead to raise the paladin's dead girlfriend to use as a suicide bomber.
917: Even if he deserved it.
918: The goblin cannot blow up more than 4 times a sesson.
919: Goblin. BLAM.
920: Thermal detonators shoved up the ass only work in interrogation once.
921: The gazebo will only kill me if I attack it first.
922. "Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day, set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life" is not a central tenet of my religion.
923. Unless we're playing Fading Suns.
924. If you ask the GM for 5 million XP while he isn't listening it's not ok to assume that the next yes he says is the answer to your request.
925. Can never kill dragons by ejaculating in their mouths and hence suffocating them to death. especially when a feather duster is involved.
926. Never allowed to remind the GM about the time he killed the dragon
927. And oh god, never never EVER allowed to tell new players the story about how he killed the dragon...especially when its their first time at our game table.
928) Holy water does not come in kegs.
929) If my sword detects from evil and I hear it whispering to me, I am not to listen.
930) I am not to buy puppies from the pet store with the explicit purpose of killing them and using their souls to power my vampire-brain-robot.
931) I am not to ally myself with the Nazi party just because they have a better library.
932) My character must resist being nick-named "Private Smokeass".
933) Never "assume" your party members know you're psychic.
934) No one's afraid of plants.
935) I'm not to try to set a trans-dimensional entity's shag carpet on fire.
936) "The Triumverate of Moustachioed Inanity" is not a proper name for a superhero group.
937) No one ever got super-powers from Gallagher.
938) There is no such thing as Bizarro Yakov Smirnof
939) Sidekicks are people too, even if they have magic 8-balls for heads.
940) Always consider the potential environmental rammifications of summoning a star-spawn of Cthulhu.
928. No longer allowed to roll for damage when urinating on the wall of the complex we're supposed to infiltrate.
929. All walls are now immune to crit-rolled streams of said urine.
941) There is no spell called Evard's Black Testicles, nor will there ever be.
942) This goes double for Evard's Spiky Tentacles of Forced Intrusion from Order of the Stick.
943) Urinate on the atomic bomb
944) When playing a Trill in Star Trek, Rip out my own symbiote and use it as an improvised weapon
945) Invite Dalamar the Dark to tell us who the daddy is
946) Proclaim myself to be "The Wizard of Oz" when asked to identify myself by the king of the elves in D&D
947) When the group has learnt there re vampires frequenting a club and are trying to figure out a way to get rid of them, locking the doors and teleporting a napalm bomb inside is not a viable option
948) Base a character on the Bigfoot Shaman from Sam & Max
949) Invent the Gnomish Death Roller
950) Attempt to replace the dragonarmies with a fleet of zepplins.
951) Play an ewok shaman with a wookie fetish, and a penchant for heavy metal. ... again...
952) Give said Wookie Shaman force powers and a lightsaber. ... again...
953) Pin the burrowing animal to the wall of the cave, when we need it to flip the switch to open the secret passage.
954) Track the displacer beast and take it on single handedly at level 2.
955) Give any ewok shamans access to a customized tie scout, complete with slushi machine.
956) Give the new Twi'lek character a slushi just to see how bad the brain freeze is.
957) Explain the term "Yarg" to a player who has never gamed with us before and who we would like to see return.
958) Offer to amputate the hand that the magical-posessed-evil-ring-of-doom has just fused itself to.
959) Give the sith lord a wedgie using a force point.
960) I will not try to make a Cat Lord PC and have her open a burlesque club in Sigil.
961) I will not name the club "Pussy Lord's Palace".
962) "The Macerena" is not a burlesque song.
963) neither is "Dude, Looks Like a Lady".
964) A Drow Dominatrix in Sigil that names her establishment "The Lady of Pains" will get flayed. Repeatedly.
965) I can not petition to get the Guvner's to officially declare Sigil, "The City That Never Sleeps"
969) nor "The Big A##hole"
970) I can not play a Rouge.
971) Also I can not play a Moulin Rogue.
972) I will not use this list as a "To Do" list for future campaigns.
973) In a d20 Modern game I will not attempt to get the PCs to play D&D.
974) I will not use my knowledge of economics to destroy a game world.
975) I will not threaten a Dwarven King by saying I will dilute the world's supply of iron with Bags of Endless Caltrops.
976) I will not attempt to create a building out of Immovable Rods.
977) Angst is not a power of ANY of the clans in V:tR.
978. Cannot use the stealth skill to drive a Dodge Stealth.
979. Cannot throw yourself on a tactical nuclear bomb and except the GM to let you live as reward for a noble deed, nor can you get angry when your body failed to protect the innocent citizens around you.
980. Throwing yourself on the above nuke, with over a minute left on the timer preventing the demolitions expert from attempting a disarm for the sole purpose of looking like a sacraficial lamb, does not make you a hero.
981. No, there is no "It was all a dream" card in the Torg Drama Deck.
982. It is not always appropriate to kill them ad take their stuff.
983. It is never appropriate to kill her and take her stuff, when her very angry , shock mace weilding bother is still alive and uninjured.
984. Cannot assume that just because there is a giant heavily armed robot in front of you that it is going to attack.
985. Never assume that because it hasn't attacked yet, that it won't
986. Cannot assume ninjas automatically come with a motorcycle.
987) Referring to any of the Bayushi as "my little geisha" is grounds for a duel.
988) Especially if they are men.
989) I will not refer to the Lion Clan as the Kitty Clan.
990) Especially in front of the Clan Champion.
991) I can not open a brothel called "Gaijin Pepper" in Otosan Uchi.
992) "It's Hammertime" is not my Crab samurai's battle cry.
993) My Crab samurai can not wear parachute pants.
994) The Crab Clan's motto is not "2 Legit 2 Quit".
995) Nezumi are not a breed of Giant Mutant Space Hamsters.
996) I will not create a Bard who's entire musical repitoire are commercials jingles.
997) I will not base any character, in any genre, off of something from "Demolition Man".
998) I will not tell Vecna to "enhance his calm".
999) Low Life is not the greatest game in the world, just because you can play a sentient Twinkie.
1000) I will not present this list as a threat to the GM if he refuses to run my game of choice.
1001) When the rest of the party have agreed to trade the party's souls for their lives, it is not the moment to develop moral qualms
1002) Written pleas for the kiss of life because you're laughing yourself to death don't work
1003) Don't have your character bend over, drop his pants and scream: "Napalm Enema!"
1004) Particularly in mid-fight
1005) Don't fall into the Abyss, even if you did mark it as your territory
1006) When the game starts with the local Baron chasing you into a dungeon, doubling back to loot the Baron's castle while he's not home may upset the GM
1007) LARPing as a 3 foot tall character is challenging. Doing so on your knees is crippling
1008) Nailing other PCs to trees makes you few friends
1009) Nor does flipping off your mutual God
1010) I am not allowed to play an shy 'undead' attack droid that is even more sadistic then the Dark Jedi is ever again.
1011) I won't spout communistic propaganda to the droid army when everyone else is shooting at them.
1012) I will not shoot at fleeing Jawa's even if I am a droid and they’re the spawn of evil and hated by my character.
1013) I won't roll critical and pop the damn things head off.
1014) I will not make the Jedi get a dark-side point when she’s just finished overcoming the one the GM set up for her.
1015) I will not go converse with the guard-droids and think they won't open fire on me because I'm one of them, even if I am a droid.
1016) The basic plan should not be 'Dress Ted Up Like a Girl' even if it works every time.
1017) I am to remember that not everyone likes to role-play as much as me, and I will be turned off if I don’t shut up.
1018) If I am the Face of the group I should learn how to sound like I know what I’m talking about.
1019) After we have saved two children, and thus a caravan, from a Gray Render –Via GM given information – I am not to then try and sell the two children the Gray Render has bonded itself to as siege weapons to the king.
1020) If I can pretend to be a doctor and kill anyone that's been hurt, I need to have a lower bluff skill.
1021) I am to tell everyone else my plan, even if I wouldn't have time in game, and it would cause less blood-shed.
1022) I will not be late again. I don't want to be gibbed by the dragon for a third time.
1023) Bluffing every guard that comes by is good. Not telling anyone you’re hurt is bad.
1024) Breaking the depressing moment that we find the homes of the elves broken and destroyed because the XP whore is also an elf and I want to rub it in his face.
1025) Being the talkative one that wants to be a rich noble man is not proper procedure and will get be sleeping face first in the out-house.
1026) I can't have shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die, if I'm a doctor, even if I am 'hunted'.
1027) If I want to change the plan I shouldn't be last in initiative, even if I am captain.
1028) I should not walk in and out of the prison with our captain, even if it’s the easiest way. Everyone else wants a turn to be star.
1029) My 'Irish' accent shouldn’t continually slip into ‘Real Pirate’, even if I am one.
1030) Being overly dramatic, even in 7th Sea, just means I’ll fail more spectacularly.
1031) My cleric does not worship "The Great Porcelain God".
1032) My gnome is not allowed to buy, carry or use tanglefoot bags. Ever again.
1033) My wizard is not allowed to have a stutter.
1034) Shouting "LEEEEROY JENKINS!" more than once a game session will get me pummeled.
1035) I may not punt the halfling. Even if he deserves it.
1036) I may not name my half-orc barbarian "Sweetums".
1037) Or "Twinky-Poo".
1038) I am no longer allowed to cause a cattle stampede by shooting the cow in the rear. Especially if I make a critical roll...
1039) I certainly can not ask the GM to describe in depth the results of said critical roll...
1040. No Warforged characters based off of Terminator, Star Wars, Star Trek, I Robot, Bicentennial Man or any other movie/TV show/anime/cartoon that involves robots/droids/mecha/artificial creatures
1041: Lolth does not have an understated sense of humor, a secret love of dirty limericks or a soft spot for roguishly good-looking Halflings.
1042: Bigby did not have an inbred illegitimate lecherous half-brother named Figby, and the spells Figby's Fondling Fingers, Figby's Groping Paw and Figby Flips the Bird do not exist.
1043: Nor can my Wizard 're-discover them' via spell research.
1044: Little Mind Flayers do not hang on to daddy's tentacles when he teaches them to dance.
1045: Baleful Polymorph is not a toy.
1046: Using Polymorph any Object to give the elf-chick bigger bazongas is not an appropriate use of an 8th level spell.
1047: Using Polymorph any Object to turn any character into a functional hermaphrodite is not appropriate in any situation.
1048: The same applies in the case of prominent NPC’s.
1049: And farm animals.
1050: No matter what my Clerics Diplomacy skill, he cannot convert the evil high priest BBEG to his religion as a full-round action.
1051: No magic can change a god's religion, alignment or sex.
1052: Boogie Fever is not a real disease, nor can it be inflicted with Contagion.
1053: Neither is Blue Balls.
1054: A baby is neither a 'parasite,' not an 'infection,' and in any case, someone cannot be made pregnant with the Contagion spell.
1055: Particularly not a male.
1056: I cannot Elementally-Admixture or Fire-Template Otto's Irresistible Dance to create a spell called Disco Inferno.
1057: Just because a dragon can impregnate anything that moves, that does not mean my character can impregnate a dragon.
1058: Prestidigitation does not have a hundred bedroom uses, nor do I need to list them.
1059: No king needs to be told that he has 'skillz,' 'mad flow' or given any sort of 'props.'
1060: I can no longer stuff 10 flasks of Alchemist's Fire into a medium-sized Skeleton and tell it to run up and hug the monster before throwing a Fireball.
1061: Grease is not flammable.
1062: Nor is it edible.
1063: I cannot order Summoned Monsters from different planes to mate with each other 'just to see what happens.'
1064: A Decanter of Endless Water is not a torture implement, nor is it tasteful to refer to it as my 'Decanter of Endless Waterboarding' or to re-enact any scene from Caligula.
1065: The Book of Vile Darkness is not 'tasty.'
1066: I am not to quote Monty Python, Jareth the Goblin King (from Labyrinth), Darkness (from Legend, or any other character played by Tim Curry, but especially Dr. Frankenfurter), Batman, James Kirk ("KHAAAANNN!"), Han, Luke, Leia, Obi-wan or the Droids at the gaming table.
1067: Full-throated Wookie roars are not appropriate in a fantasy game, and they are certainly not Dwarfish mating calls.
1068: The bard is not a sweet transvestite from Transsexual, Transylvania. Nor is the Time Warp an appropriate 'performance' for Inspire Courage.
1069: There is no summoning spell named 'Call Booty.'
1070: The flaming thing in the middle of the room is a brazier, not a brassiere.
1071: A cod piece is not a kind of coin, and I don't need to carry a pouch full of them, nor does anyone need to 'bite it, to see if it's real.'
1072: I will not shave the dwarf's beard when he's asleep.
1073: None of the characters want to wake up with a permanent tattoo.
1074: None of the characters want to wake up wearing clown face, mime face or 'made up like a Parisian whore-face.'
1075: I will cast only curative spells, not transformative or mind-affecting spells, on unconscious companions.
1076: I am not to summon Thoqqua to undermine the castle's foundations even if I think that the king's a jerk.
1077: It is against the rules to summon non-flying creatures 30 ft. above another person. Celestial Bison are not 'flying creatures.' Neither are Celestial Whales, even they are aerodynamic, and references from The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy will not change anyone's minds.
1078: A characters Charisma score in no way mathematically relates to inches.
1079: Neither Pulchritude nor Girth are game-relevant statistics.
1080: I cannot use Polymorph Any Object to set up a medieval 'cosmetic surgery' clinic to provide 'discreet anatomical enhancements for the nobility.'
1081: When playing my Felcaller, I don’t not actual have to do the fel calls at the table.
1082: I can not tell the new player my nickname is Hastur, and then ignore him when he calls my name during the game.
1083: I am not allowed to eat taco bell before the game.
1084: Same goes for Wendy's
1085: In the middle of tense parley, I can not turn to one of the other members of the people we are parleying with and state, "10 gold says our fighter can whip your fighter ass. With no weapons."
1086: Lighting the sleeping dwarf's beard on fire "Just for kicks." is wrong
1087: When the DM says you cant do something, stating, "Bet I can." is not the proper response.
1088: The bag of Holding is not an acceptable replacement for a toilet.
1089: I cannot put the ever flowing bottle uncorked into the bag of holding and expect it to become the world's most powerful water balloon.
1090: I don't care what discworld says, Rats are not a dwarven delicacy.
1091: My paladin's battle cry is not "Papa spank!"
1092: My monk has not mastered the Hairy Palm technique.
1093: I cannot name my warforged bard "Optimus Rhyme".
1094: There is no Elemental Plane of Funk.
1095: My lizardfolk barbarian cannot have a tabard that says "Lizards do it in cold blood".
1096: I cannot base my character on Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs.
1097: I cannot disguise a mind flayer by gluing a fake moustache to each tentacle.
1098: Tying up Halflings and dragging them behind your horse is not an acceptable method for trolling for ogres.
1099: When my monk is asked for his name, "Hong Kong Phooey, Number one super guy." is an unacceptable response.
1100: When starting a fight, my Warforged fighter cant state, "One shall stand. One shall fall."
1101: I am not to repeat Corben Dallas's negotiation techniques. Ever.
1102: that goes double if she uses a pump action heavy weapon.
1103: I will no longer keep a ballistae loaded with Alchemist fire bolts mounted on a wagon.
1104: I will no longer get the wild elf barbarian drunk for kicks.
1105: I will no longer spike the BBEG's soup with "Magic Mushrooms".
1106. No Druids may be potheads.
1107. Nor are they allowed to be named "Reefa the Druid"
1108: During the BBEG monologue, saying "Skip a bit." is not allowed.
1109: Saying the cleric can speak with dead is not an acceptable defense when you kill prisoners that are to questioned later.
1110: Polymorphing into a rust monster to "Get the old fluids flowing" and scaring the Warforged is frowned upon.
1111: Stating out loud to the bar that your parties dwarf barbarian is nicknamed "stumpy, and not because he's a dwarf." is a bad idea.
1112: I will not 'prune back' my pet troll to provide the group with rations.
1113: I will not use Fireball to light the street torches at nightfall.
1114: Talking the BBEG's 5 year old advisor into pulling the secret lever for me is in bad taste.
1115: I am no longer to use Maria Murphy as an NPC.
1116. The Catapult is NOT a means of fast-travel, even if I CAN take the damage from impact and walk it off.
1117. There is no existing insurance policy that can fully cover my Level 20 Character.
1118. I am not allowed to put ranks in Profession(cloud insurance salesman) - Hardcore Family Guy fans get me
1119. I am not allowed to take "Exotic weapon proficiency" in "Spork", "Halfling", "Rat Flail", or "Toaster"
1120. Just because I build it, does not mean they will come. Especially not if it happens to be an all-orc nude review.
1121. My deity is NOT Banjo the Puppet
1122. My deity is NOT Banjthulhu!
1123. Cure light wounds is not the "nighttime staggering, wheezing, severed head so you can rest and regain more hit points" spell.
1124. The currency is Gold, not meat
1125. My perfect 20 diplomacy check must contain something more detailed than "Come on... eh? eh? eh?"
1126. Ringing the bell in my backpack will NOT give the hound acheron wings.
1127. My paladin is not allowed to have a celestial dire boar as his mount.
1128. My character's name is not Deus X. Machina
1129. The extra space on my character page is not for doodling ways to kill the other PC's on.
1130. My monk is not from the Wu-Tang clan.
1131. My barbarian is not from a Tribe called Quest.
1132. My Cleric is not interested in Taking Back Sunday.
1133. May never play Led Zeppelin instead of broadcasting IFF.
1134. Banned from speaking in tongues during negotiations.
1135. Cannot tell arty "our code has been broken, so when anyone calls in fire, fire 1000 feet short.
1136. May not buy extra "Dead" health levels in Aberrant.
1137. My Slayer is not allowed to arm herself with a "strap-on stake"
1138. Cannot sell the Dwarf as a sex slave. Ahem. Any more that is.
1139. Must never use any mind control spells to get a hot date.
1140. What's wrong with Captain Squick? It's a cool name!
1141. A fairy with whip proficiency plus rope use skill is just so denied.
1142. Absolutely can never shape change in to a leprous, hairy, warty, nude orc tubgirl, even though it gives me bonuses to... ah... that certain roll...
1143. When building an alchemical constructs, must remember not to substitute ingredients or use ingredients that are "close enough."
1144. Must let someone know before I use the nukes.
1145. I'll try to remember, not to install spam or pop ups on our robot, even though it makes the robot cheaper...
1146. Real face huggers are not fashion accessories.
1147. Cannot use alien eggs for any pranks, nor can I use them for acid bombs.
1148. Banned from using charm person to win arguments.
1149) no longer allowed to play a kender ninja
1150) no longer allowed to play the Badger song when summoning a badger
1151) Have my wraith sneak into Jon Bon Jovi's changing room and then demand that the GM describe -exactly- what I see.
1152) No, you cannot join the Michigan millitia, even if you did bring your own gun, and are willing to prove that you are crazy.
1153) Especially if you did bring your own gun, and are willing to prove that you are crazy.
1154) Your thief's battlecry is not "Sneak attack, motherfucker!".
1155) Yes, gladiatorial combat is illegal on this planet. That doesn't mean you can park the ship in orbit and transmit fights live from your cargo hold.
1156) Especially if you are using the wookie refugees you just picked up as participants.
1157) Two paranoid characters in the same unit is not necessarily a problem. Unless they are the scout and the comms officer.
1158) Dwarf rapist is not a valid character concept.
1159) Nor is it a prestige class.
1160) Your magical pictish tattoo armour is not a pattern consisting of several concentric circles.
1161) Nor is it an arrow with the words "I'm with stupid" written below it.
1162) You cannot have tacnukes.
1163) You definitely cannot have tacnukes on wristslides.
1164) You did not learn kung fu in the temple at Woo Pass.
1165) You did not learn feng shui in the temple of Chan Jin Rooms.
1166) When told that any robot you build must be bigger than a human, the correct response is probably not "You know what's bigger than a human? Lions.."
1167) Your daiklaive is not the Sword of Ownage, and it doesn't give you sight beyond sight.
1168) But it probably should.
1169) When the rest of the party are fighting an evil priest and his stone golem, your action should not be "Staying in the room it can't reach, playing cards and checking out the priest's collection of orc porn".
1170) "Lute case full of weapons" is probably not a valid item of equipment.
1171) The neutral zone is NOT for the loading and unloading of illegal weaponry.
1172) Explosive diarrhea is not a exotic weapon I am proficient in.
1173) I cannot use "polymorph any object", "animate dead" and "awaken undead" to turn a pile of regular bones into a skeletal paragon half-dragon half-celestial Balor who is intelligent, possesses all abilities it would have had in life, and completely subservient to my will.
1174) My lightsaber is not ribbed for her pleasure.
1175) I am not 4'6" and 600 lbs.
1177: My hero does not gain an extra wealth point from corporate sponsorship.
1178) Solars don't gives DBs swirlies, make them chug stuff or do push-ups.
1179) Especially immaculates.
1180. My character did not meet the party after escaping from man-eating plants that run people down and pull them off their horses.
1181) Not allowed to convince the party that running up to the werewolf and 'group rub' it while chanting "washing the dog, washing the dog" is a good idea. Again.
1182. The Deadlands Nun is not named Sister Mary Whoopass.
1183. The King's Men are not The Order of the Red Shirts.
1184) When capturing brains in jars, I cannot toss them in the camp fire.
1185) Cannot show up at the Grand Elysium Ball with a mage dressed as a cheezy Hollywood vampire in serious quiet.
1186) May never trick the Prince into calling a blood hunt against telemarketers, spammers, and mimes... again.
1187) Prohibited from using Ortillery in pranks.
1188) Must remember that diversion does not mean total party kill.
1189) Also I must remember that diversion does not mean picking up new enemies. And eight enemy groups is right out.
1190) That goes double for countries.
1191) As a note, I must buy rations and not wait until a PC croaks.
1192) Cannot eat party members. Especially if they are alive. Saying that he would have died from the infection anyway is not a valid excuse. Neither is, but... I'm hungry.
1193) Can never come from a cannibal tribe or raised by cannibals. Again.
1194) I cannot stab the emperor in Rome just to see him die.
1195) Banned from playing chicken with planets, neutron stars, black holes, or suns.
1196) Must not sell weaponized Ebola on e-bay.
1197) Cannot be a cleric of atheists.
1198. Cannot Polymorph Other party member into a troll and retire from the fight, appraising their improved fighting capabilities.
1199. Teleporting away isn't the proper behaviour when said troll inquires about the duration of the (permanent) spell.
1200. Summoning Archons to grapple halflings and teleport them above the Inner Sea isn't acceptable.
1201. Especially when used to coerce the halfling innkeeper to lower his price by removing random family members from sight.
1202. When a fellow party member expresses concerns at keeping children hostage, "so we don't have to wait to kill them" is usually not the expected answer.
1203. No more amputing fellow party members to reduce their weight so they can all fit in a Teleport spell.
1204. No warforged warrior is named Nimitz.
1205. You are supposed to try and free kidnapped fellow party member, even if think the kidnappers were working for you.
1206. You cannot substitute a ring of Wizardry with a ring of Silence. Even if the party Wizard is annoying.
1207. When looking for a discrete vehicle for escape, don't suggest hijacking a monetary transport truck.
1208. Having a character dumb enough to think that trolls are a kind of goblins doesn't grant the favoured enemy bonus.
1209. You can't buy and free 10,000 piranhas in the surrouding bayou of a suspected Deep Ones manor.
1210. Setting up private shows at the inn is forbidden, if they involve your Mirror of Scrying and showering women.
1211. Doubles for showering party members.
1212. When the king says "I owe you my kingdom", "Our interest rates are low, lucky you" isn't appropriate
1213. No polymorphing dragons into pot plants.
1214. No carrying them with you to brag afterwards, either.
1215. Especially when speaking to the mother dragon.
1216. No throwing warforged characters off the ship to see if they can float.
1217. Especially if you have bet they can't.
1218. Don't summon Radiant Servants of God to read a book by the light they provide.
1219. There is no weapon proficiency in "you, when crash-landing on enemies"
1220. R2D2 isn't a valid concept for a Warforged character.
1221. You can't parry bullets with a live animal.
1222. You can't parry bullets with a fellow party member.
1223. In fact, any attempt to parry bullets is forbidden.
1224. When the party hires you as a "medic hardened by the Great War", they don't necessary suspect you're an hematophobic psychiatrist.
1225. I am not supposed to request that the court just get it over with and shoot me when I am pleading innocent.
1226. Darth Vader does not need his helmet buffed.
1227. Especially not THAT helmet.
1228. The shortest distance between two points is a straight line. allowing for curvature of the earth.
1229. I am not allowed to ask my god who will win in a fight between Raistlin, Gandalf and Elminster.
1230. The henchman is not an acceptable replacement for a thief in terms of trap detection.
1231) May never try to convert deities into atheists while the party is around.
1232) No matter how high the roll, I cannot make an H-bomb out of paper clips, a Dorito, an electric shaver, and two, rather small tacks.
1233) Cannot calculate delta-v anymore.
1234) Totally banned from using charmed person spell for ah... obtaining catapult ammunition.
1235) When designing FTL ships I must include living quarters.
1236) When bailing out of a burning starship, I must make sure that I have a grav belt before I say grab on!
1237. Can not have a Penguin familiar named 'Random Penguin' who sings "Numa Numa" while attacking a monster.
1238. Said Penguin cannot have the stats of a polar bear.
1239. I cannot distract a metal dog who is about to kill the ranger by shifting into cat form and meowing at it....ever again that is.
1240. Cannot ask the antisocial Elf to pet me....ever...
1241. Cannot have an alcoholic pet racoon with a french accent named Pierre who is addicted to rum-soaked pumpkin seeds in an Amber campaign ever again...
1242. In an Amber campaign, when asked ones favourite hobby, answering 'incest' is not funny...
1243. When Queen in Amber, morphing into a Dire Racoon with scales and terrorizing the servents is not a good idea...
1244. When asked by the Prince of Chaos for your hand in marriage, the appropriate response is not 'Drop your trousers, I want to view the goods first'
1245. I do not, in fact, 'Love Lamp', and if my character goes up to random NPCs and states this, she will be put in a looney bin.
1246. I cannot play a mage who doesn't 'believe in magic'.
1247. My character have Tourettes syndrome, ever again...
1248. I cannot name a character 'Thunderjugs', and have her hand out milk to random people.
1249. Dog Urine is not the cure to 'every disease known to man', even though my druid may believe this.
1250. When waking up to find her entire village slaughtered, my druids proper response isn't to smoke a joint.
1251. I cannot make a pothead surfer vampire ever again.
1252. Said vampire cannot count like the Count on sesame street...or go up to his Werewolf brother and say 'I vant to drink your blood', and expect to live.
1253. No Puppet shows ever. Especially ones that involve the cutting off the heads of dead Chaos Beastmen, removeing the brains and inserting your hand into the skull.
1254. When playing a halfling thief with guantlets of ogre power bashing doors instead of picking locks is not an acceptable substitute, especially on a stealth mission.
1255. Yelling into the evil monsters lair "Hello nice juicy adventurers who have come to kill you." is not acceptable, even if you really wanted to get this over with quickly.
1256. When playing a super strong super hero fighting the Nazi's in WWII, it is a violation of the rule of war to set a satchel charge, shove it through an enemy combatants guts, and then throw said combatant into the enmies lines. Even if results was to break their morale.
1257. Again when playing a super strong character you can not complain when you lose your shoe after kicking someone in the chest and causeing a sucking chest wound. Even if you really liked those shoes and seven villians had to die before you found the correct fit.
1258. Mr. Johnson will never ever again be responsible for expenses, no matter what you rolled, especially when said expenses are a main battle tank and the cost to rebuild your favorite bar.
1259. Yelling "Fire in the hole!" is not sufficient warning after setting the thirty two sticks of dynamite you have been carrying to explode in three seconds.
1260. Fragging your commanding officer, just because he is a Harvard graduate is not acceptable. Especially when 12' tall carazed super soldier is about to eat the party.
1261. I cannot disbelieve it's not butter
1262. The head of the dragon council does not need to fill out paperwork.
1263. "Let's go to a titty bar" is not an acceptable form of diplomacy.
1264. There are no familiars that do 2d12 damage from their claw attacks.
1265. An outboard motor is not an acceptable melee weapon.
1266. There is no such language as "Drowbonics."
1267. If the fighter tells my mage "When I nod, zap him." He just means this encounter.
1268) I cannot save up for a 20 paradox blow, to create another Tunguska Event.
1269. Shadowrun. Can not "hold out for unreasonable expenses".
1270. A character's native language should probably not be "Engrish" or "Leat".
1271. Paladins are not "The Man" nor are they keeping me down.
1272. In the eyes of the law of Forgotten Realms, it is not a hate crime when someone is attacked for being a drow.
1273. No one likes me bringing in politics in their fantasy game.
1274. Even if the game makes it obvious to me.
1275. No, You can't play a vampire.
1276. No, You can't play a cannibal either. We're making SUPERHEROES!
1277. A recently escaped inmate of an insane asylum, where he was placed after murdering his entire family at a barbeque with an acid-dripping fireman's axe named "mother", armed with self-same axe, that fights crime is NOT a valid SUPERHERO!
1278) I will stop singing "Stabilize, Stablize, Sta - Sta -Staaaaa - aaaa - bi - iiii - iii - lze" to Staying Alive theme music.
1279) Especially when I am not a bard.
1280) With a negative result in Heal.
1281) I will stop cutting the arms off of the enemies, when I am told to "Disarm them".
1282) No more casting Awaken on every dog, cat, mouse, and bush I see.
1283) Especially if they're not strays.
1284) I cannot play an anthropomorphic cat with favored enemy (Rodents), a ring of regeneration and a magic butcher knife.
1285) And I can't name him Tom.
1286) I cannot say, "Ooo, kinky," when someone mentions that they have ranks in Use Rope. Or say tie me up next. Or... wait. No commenting at all about Use Rope.
1287) No matter how bad my hair is, I cannot summon monsters from ordinary trading cards, even if I call my character YuG!.
1288) Any character with infinite loops.
1289) Kender? Blam. Blam. Blam. Blam. Blam. Blam. Click. (Reload)
1290) I cannot convert my FATAL character over to any other system.
1291) Putting a silencer on a bomb doesn't work, (a bomb is a weapon after all...) even if the rules say that it will.
1292) I will not give the widow the cuff of my wrist.
1293) More then three times.
1294) Just because we can't stop laughing, the keeper is still unamused.
1295) I do not have any kind of accent.
1296) I will not mock the elves for having 4000 years of civilization and yet no bicycle or steam power.
1297) "You hold him. I hit him." Is not the only way to talk to NPCs.
1298. Red pickup trucks do not have a protection against tornadoes on them.
1299. Characters cannot climb ladders with a chainsaw running...
1300. with 100 grenades strapped on their bodies...
1301. and with NPC's shooting at them from below.
1302. Killing the only guy who can explain the mission is not an option.
1303. Broadswords do not make the same sound effects as giant mech robots.
1304. I cannot make the GM move the gaming session to a morning and then not bother to show up.
1305. It is understood that if I don’t show up to a game, my character will be thrown down a ravine.
1306. My vampire cannot shoot energy blasts using the energy he drains from victims.
1307. If I must use 1st Edition Manual of the Planes to prove my point to the GM, I have gone too far.
1307. I will not delegate all hero tasks to my henchmen.
1308. When asked a question at gunpoint followed by “answer or I shoot”, I do not have to tell the truth, but I must answer SOMEthing.
1309. The hockey game on tv is not a valid reason to lay down and play dead.
1310. I will not throw the GM out of my house for bringing a prop I think is stupid.
1311. I will think twice about using the word “Shadow” in my character’s name, especially if my previous character’s name also used that word.
1312. I have no reason to carry one broken chest frame, much less five.
1313. Believing my character to be sexy does not entitle me to hit on the GM. That’s just creepy.
1314. The Monster Manual is not a resource for playable character races.