Editing FRRpart5

The fifth and final part of the FATAL Review Rebuttal --[[User:Knockwood|Lord Knockwood the Mad]]
----
<p style="margin-right:.5in;margin-left:.5in"><font color="#FF00FF">There's also pages and
pages of random treasure charts, while we're on this subject. You know, up to now, I've
been forgetting to bash on how, if you strip away FATAL's fixation with genitalia and
rape, all you're left with someone's painful AD&amp;D clone. Really, these even have the
deal where you first roll to see what row of the hoard chart you're on, and then the row
has you roll percentages for each type of coin / gem / object / whatever to see if a
random number of them appear. Except that the number of coins / gems / whatever that can
appear goes up when you roll a &quot;higher&quot; row, but the chance of them appearing
often goes down. Or sometimes it goes up for one row, then back down. There's not a lot of
rhyme or reason to it.</font></p>

<p style="margin-right:.5in;margin-left:.5in"><font color="#FF00FF">The tables are
well-reasoned. Originally, it was planned so that each type of treasure has a higher
chance under a different category. It's been changed, and the new system is better.</font></p>

<p style="margin-right:.5in;margin-left:.5in"><font color="#FF00FF">Look, never mind. Just
hope that you never roll 100 for the row of any hoard or dead body. That way, there will
never be more than a 6% chance of any lame ass magic items appearing, and thus you won't
end up fighting your fellow adventurers over a Cursed Dildo of Adhesion or a Condom of
Continuity and then wondering where your goddamn life went so wrong.</font></p>

<blockquote>
  <p><font color="#009900">(The weird thing about the Jar of Jacking Off is that it would
  make an interesting magic item for Unknown Armies, provided that you filed off all of the
  stupidity. Actually, you'd probably wind up with a little nub of a good idea after you
  took all of the stupidity off, but it'd at least be better than using it as listed.)</font></p>
  <p><font color="#009900">I also figured out why the book is so long even though the
  authors are so maladjusted as to make extended concentration impossible: It's largely
  because they're simply copying and pasting the same fifteen entries, then adjusting them
  just enough to apply to that section; and if they run out of inspiration, which they
  inevitably do, it's off to the DMG for more.</font></p>
</blockquote>

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right:.5in;mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:
auto;margin-left:.5in"><font color="#FF00FF">Sartin: Amazingly, the FATALites missed copying their most obvious piece
of inspiration: Gygax's courtesan chart! </font></p>

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right:.5in;mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:
auto;margin-left:.5in">I'm well aware of it. FATAL already makes it possible to create complex characters in a few
minutes with the FATAL Character Generator.</p>

<blockquote>
  <p><font color="#009900">Conducting the game: It's often hilarious to look at FATAL and
  realize that the authors actually thought that they were making a historically accurate
  medieval RPG. The game suggests that anything that lends a medieval flavor to the game
  will lend flavor to the game as a whole - braziers, tapestries, mead, tankards. I would
  suggest that the best way to GM FATAL is to drag the players out into the middle of a
  swamp and have them dig as deep a grave as they can; meanwhile, the GM should string
  police flashers so that they can be visibly seen through the foliage, and should look
  around wildly and whimper underneath his breath.</font></p>
</blockquote>

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right:.5in;mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:
auto;margin-left:.5in"><font color="#FF00FF">Sartin: I would suggest the best way to run it is to play chicken on a
highway. Sure, that's not playing it by the actual rules, but if you honestly want to play
this game, it's probably for the best. </font></p>

<blockquote>
  <p><font color="#009900">Whenever possible, the material and rules for this game have a
  firm historical or mythological basis. For instance, a quote from Homer&#146;s Oddysey
  reveals the prevalence of Violence and sexual content in much classical mythology,
  &#147;&#133;I sacked the city, killed the men, but as for the wives and plunder, that rich
  haul we dragged away from the place -- we shared it round&#133;&#148;</font></p>

  <p><font color="#009900">What these morons know about The Odyssey could just about fit
  into the Grand Canyon and still have room left over to squeeze in the entire universe.
  What they know about historical accuracy could fit into the space left over from the last
  example ten times over. (Plenty of emphasis on the raping and killing - but no mention of
  Penelope's legendary faithfulness, or the Siren's enslavement of Ulysses, or the terms of
  hospitality offered to wandering bands of men. There's material for yards in the Odyssey,
  as long as you don't use it for a wank sock.)</font></p>
  <p>What an interesting source Darren chose for debate, Homer's Oddysey. He may also want
  to consider the justified murder of all the &quot;whores&quot; (as they're referenced
  several times) in Penelope's house, because they are sluts. For example, in Book 22:
  Slaughter in the Hall, Oddyseus the hero orders Telemachus to &quot;march the women out of
  the great hall -- between the roundhouse and the courtyard's strong stockade -- and hack
  them with your swords, slash out all their lives&quot;. So, they &quot;marched the women
  out of the great hall...and stern Telemachus gave the men their orders: 'No clean death
  for the likes of them, by god! Not from me -- they showered abuse on my head, my mother's
  too! You sluts -- the suitors' whores!</p>
  <p>&quot;With that, taking a cable used on a dark-prowed ship he coiled it over the
  roundhouse, lashed it fast to a tall column, hoisting it up so high no toes could touch
  the ground. Then, as doves or thrushes beating their spread wings against some snare
  rigged up in thickets...so the women's heads were trapped in a line, nooses yanking their
  necks up, one by one so all might die a pitiful, ghastly death...they kicked up heels for
  a little -- not for long.</p>
  <p>&quot;Melanthius? They hauled him out through the doorway, into the court, lopped his
  nose and ears with a ruthless knife, tore his genitals out for the dogs to eat raw and in
  manic fury hacked off hands and feet.&quot;</p>

  <p><font color="#009900">Want to see what a stat block in FATAL looks like, incidentally?</font></p>
  <p><font color="#009900">Mordacicus Stats: Height = 6&#146;2&#148;, Weight = 211 lbs., Age
  = 22, Sexuality = Hetero, Eyes = Brown, Hair Color = Brunette, Hair Thickness = Thick,
  Hair Length = middle of the back, Hair Type = wavy, Most Attractive Feature = chest, Most
  Repulsive Feature = hands, level 3 mercenary, Skin Color = tan, Physical Fitness = 111,
  Strength = 182, Bodily Attractiveness = 123, Health = 131, Facial = 98, Vocal = 148,
  Kinetic = 111, Rhetorical = 86, Hand-Eye = 152, Agility = 124, Reaction Speed = 136,
  Enunciation = 92, Language = 97, Math = 107, Analytic = 108, Spatial = 112, Drive = 103,
  Intuition = 109, Common Sense = 73, Reflection = 84, LP = 32, CA = 33, PP = 07,
  Disposition = NI, Temperament = CM, Languages = Sapian, Equipment = Goring Zweihander + 6,
  dagger, chainmaille hauberk, (4-in-1), and 544 s.p.</font></p>
</blockquote>

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right:.5in;mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:
auto;margin-left:.5in"><font color="#FF00FF">Sartin: Darren! Careful where you point that thing! </font></p>

<blockquote>
  <p><font color="#009900">AAAAGGHCK! Fuck, that hurts the eyes. No game out there really
  has a lovely stat block - d20 really isn't that great - but Jesus, that does not look
  good.</font></p>

  <p><font color="#808080">Burnout: Stat blocks suck, that&#146;s why you should print out a
  character sheet, found in Appendix 1.</font></p>
  <p><font color="#009900">The sample adventure actually looks like it's not going to suck,
  right up until it shows up with a maiden called - of course - Cuntrina. You can always
  count on the guys who wrote FATAL to fuck it up, whether it's writing an adventure or
  walking upright. For extra fun, the primary villain of the piece is stinking drunk and
  singing what I imagine to be either a parody of an existing song or an original piece by
  the authors; either way, you'd get better musical results by jabbing pencils into your
  eyes and headbutting a wall.</font></p>
</blockquote>

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right:.5in;mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:
auto;margin-left:.5in"><font color="#FF00FF">Sartin: I have no idea why almost everyone's Most Repulsive Feature in
this adventure is either their feet or hands, but it sticks out. And it's neat that even a
sodomizing, soul-stealing sorcerer can be considered &quot;Neutral Moral&quot; in this
setting.</font></p>

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right:.5in;mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:
auto;margin-left:.5in">Jason demonstrates ineptitude again! If he referred to the stat block above, he would see that
Mordacicus is NI...Neutral Immoral.</p>

<p style="margin-right:.5in;margin-left:.5in"><font color="#FF00FF">But yeah, the sample
adventure was underwhelming. Given the way FATAL has been foaming at the mouth up to this
point, I was expecting something even more blatant and stupid. You know, like the
adventure is nuns parading through the players' village, and the players are honor-bound
to rape them or force-feed them tons of Rapeseeds of Raping or something.</font></p>

<blockquote>
  <p><font color="#808080">Burnout: That&#146;s because, as stated many times before, rape
  is not part of most games. It&#146;s simply put here for completeness.</font></p>
</blockquote>

<blockquote>
  <p><font color="#009900">There's a list of natural substances, all of which were likely
  cribbed from online sources - as a matter of fact, they're directly taken from [botanicals.com], as cited in the bibliography.
  Nothing worth seeing here.</font></p>

  <p>Quite the contrary, if you enjoy information on herbs and poisons, the chapter is an
  excellent and accurate read.</p>
  <p><font color="#009900">The warfare section: If you want to see medieval warfare done
  right, then you want to look at the way that the original L5R did battles; it was only
  important to the characters in terms of how many wounds they took, and if they got to
  fight a duel or if they could do something interesting. [http://www.pen-paper.net/rpgdb.php?op=showcreator&amp;creatorid=373 Justin Bacon]'s
  also writing his own supplement on mass combat for the d20 system, which promises to be
  very interesting indeed.)</font></p>
  <p><font color="#009900">In FATAL, you have to add up the number of people on both sides,
  multiply them by each of their life points, then divide each unit by the size of the
  entire army, then subtract that from one, then square that result then the razor goes
  across the wrists and the blood comes out and there's a figure beckoning me to a wonderful
  world where there is no FATAL.</font></p>
  <p>Notice that Darren fails to mention that there are two methods for battle, and that the
  first one, the one he criticizes, is based on a scholarly study that predicts the outcome
  of battles. I strongly recommend reading the article.</p>
</blockquote>

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right:.5in;mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:
auto;margin-left:.5in"><font color="#FF00FF">Sartin: By the way, did you know that large cities have a higher Current
Armor than individuals if you're using siege weapons? Cause they're harder to hit and
everything.</font></p>

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right:.5in;mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:
auto;margin-left:.5in"><font color="#FF00FF">Because they have walls, which are usually the target.</font></p>

<p style="margin-right:.5in;margin-left:.5in"><font color="#FF00FF">The Warfare chapter
also contains half-assed discussions of tactics, naval and arial combat, and military
training, but by now we've covered 18 chapters and 770 pages of this crap. We've stopped
caring, right?</font></p>

<blockquote>
  <p>Jason probably meant 'aerial', instead of the font, &quot;arial.&quot; But, since his
  ability has been called into question so many times and for good reason, the reader must
  wonder.</p>

  <p><font color="#009900">You'll be happy to know that when the winning army plunders the
  local town, &quot;Maybe more than anything, warriors look forward to raping the local
  women.&quot;</font></p>
  <p>I believe this reference came from either _Travel in the Ancient World_ or _The Art of
  War in the Middle Ages_.</p>
  <p><font color="#009900">You'd have to actually take a step down from bacteria in order to
  meet these people's level.</font></p>
</blockquote>

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right:.5in;mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:
auto;margin-left:.5in"><font color="#FF00FF">Sartin: My favorite expression for this is &quot;They'd have to look up to
see a maggot in hell&quot;, but both work! </font></p>

<blockquote>
  <p><font color="#009900">FATAL's character sheet is ten pages long.<o:p></font></p>
  <p>Obviously, a &quot;sheet&quot; cannot be ten pages long. Darren should have said
  Character Sheets, like the title of the appendix.</p>
  <p><font color="#808080">Burnout: Besides even though the character sheets are 10 pages
  long. That just makes it easier to go through the game without looking through the book.
  It&#146;s done that way for ease.</font></p>
</blockquote>

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right:.5in;mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:
auto;margin-left:.5in"><font color="#FF00FF">Sartin: And, in perhaps the most subtle testament to this game's nature
yet, the &quot;Sexual Characteristics&quot; section comes before the &quot;Special
Abilities&quot; and &quot;Advancement Points&quot; blanks.</font></p>

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right:.5in;mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:
auto;margin-left:.5in">Note that the sexual material is buried in the bottom of the 2nd page of the character sheets.</p>

<blockquote>
  <p><font color="#009900">The spell miscast tables. Here's the real notoriety for FATAL,
  the point when the game ceases to be simply stupid and offensive and vicious and brutal
  and stupid and juvenile.</font></p>
  <p><font color="#009900">Here, in fact, is where stupid and vicious and offensive and
  juvenile and brutal and stupid join together like a multiple-robot Transformer and destroy
  anything in the universe that is even close to being good or nice or true or good.</font></p>
  <p><font color="#808080">Burnout: Stupid twice and good twice. Short term memory loss?</font></p>
  <p><font color="#009900">You can pick any entry at random and feel your brain fry in its
  own juice, so I won't bother to reprint anything. I will point out that it cemented
  FATAL's reputation as the worst role-playing game ever made; I will point out that
  printing page after page of &quot;Caster worships and entire body is branded with the
  symbol of Deity X&quot; is not even close to actual work, though.</font></p>

</blockquote>

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right:.5in;mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:
auto;margin-left:.5in"><font color="#FF00FF">Sartin: Darren spares you, gentle reader, but I am not so merciful.
Everyone already knows about the cock clones, gay ogres appearing to butt-fuck like
there's no tomorrow, and vagina foreheads, so let's check out some of the other 1,996
results!</font></p>

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right:1.0in;mso-margin-top-alt:auto;
mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto;margin-left:1.0in"><font color="#FF00FF">0090 Next time caster defecates, their intestines fall out of their ass,
though still loosely attached.<br>
0091 An illusory disembodied 3d10&#146; long schlong appears, trying to fuck whoever has
the most LP in 500&#146;.<br>
0092 Illusion appears of a male human pulling his pants down, cutting off his scrotum, and
offering some...</font></p>

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right:.5in;mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:
auto;margin-left:.5in"><font color="#FF00FF">Right.</font></p>

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right:1.0in;mso-margin-top-alt:auto;
mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto;margin-left:1.0in"><font color="#FF00FF">0119 Caster believes they are a housecat for 24 hours.<br>
0120 Caster does cartwheels for 4 rounds.<br>
0121 Caster is unbelievably happy and does not know why.</font></p>

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right:.5in;mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:
auto;margin-left:.5in"><font color="#FF00FF">Right.</font></p>

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right:1.0in;mso-margin-top-alt:auto;
mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto;margin-left:1.0in"><font color="#FF00FF">0152 Caster becomes a serial rapist.<br>
0153 Caster becomes narcissistic.<br>
0154 Caster believes they must repair the nearest carriage.</font></p>

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right:.5in;mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:
auto;margin-left:.5in"><font color="#FF00FF">Right. </font></p>

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right:1.0in;mso-margin-top-alt:auto;
mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto;margin-left:1.0in"><font color="#FF00FF">0195 Caster now orgasms in the presence of candles.<br>
0196 Caster develops obsessive-compulsive washing behavior.<br>
0197 Caster now wants to kill everything wearing the color blue.<br>
0198 Caster now only wants to have sex with old characters.<br>
0199 Caster now only wants to have sex with pre-teens.<br>
0200 Caster tries to fist-fuck the next sleeping female they see, no matter when or where.<br>
0201 Caster now prefers mating with farm animals, and is now a zoophiliac.<br>
0202 Caster develops a fetish to drink their own sperm once at each meal.<br>
0203 The next female with Charisma over 120 orgasms upon seeing the caster.<br>
0204 Caster strokes or fingers themselves, as is appropriate to their gender, once in each
direction in public.<br>
0205 Caster only wants to have sex, especially oral, with women on their rag.<br>
0206 Caster&#146;s buttocks itch for the next entire day. Suffer - 10 initiative. </font></p>

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right:.5in;mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:
auto;margin-left:.5in"><font color="#FF00FF">Goddammit! Where did those rabid pit bulls go? </font></p>

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right:1.0in;mso-margin-top-alt:auto;
mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto;margin-left:1.0in"><font color="#FF00FF">0257 Nutsack of caster swells to 10d1000 in volume for 3d3 days.<br>

0258 Next time caster poops, the turd comes alive, attacks caster: +80 TH, for 1 LP B dmg,
CA 20, &amp; 3 LP.<br>
0259 Target turns into a fat, dark, female. MM decides appropriate penalties.</font></p>

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right:.5in;mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:
auto;margin-left:.5in"><font color="#FF00FF">You know, I think we've finally, finally reached the point where nothing I
can add could possibly make this game look more juvenile or stupid or pointless than it
already is. </font></p>

<p style="margin-right:.5in;margin-left:.5in"><font color="#FF00FF">Oh, wait:</font></p>

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right:1.0in;mso-margin-top-alt:auto;
mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto;margin-left:1.0in"><font color="#FF00FF">0225 Caster&#146;s asshole dilates to 9 inches in circumference every time
they smell rain.</font></p>

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right:.5in;mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:
auto;margin-left:.5in"><font color="#FF00FF">Hooray! Now he might finally be able to LITERALLY get his head up there.
No, wait, that's circumference, not diameter. Well, okay, at least a few more fists, then.
</font></p>

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right:1.0in;mso-margin-top-alt:auto;
mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto;margin-left:1.0in"><font color="#FF00FF">0251 Scratch n&#146; Sniff magical symbol of a smelly vagina appears on
the forehead of each party member.<br>
0252 Caster&#146;s attack TH increases by 2d10 permanently.<br>
0253 Eyeball appears on the caster&#146;s cockhead. It can determine truth/falsity of 1
statement once per day.</font></p>

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right:.5in;mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:
auto;margin-left:.5in"><font color="#FF00FF">FATALite: &quot;Repeat that before the Cock-Eye of Truth, wretch! And
hurry, I've got to take it off to make that Urination roll!&quot; </font></p>

<p style="margin-right:.5in;margin-left:.5in"><font color="#FF00FF">Then this shit comes
on for several pages (and hundreds of entries):</font></p>

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right:1.0in;mso-margin-top-alt:auto;
mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto;margin-left:1.0in"><font color="#FF00FF">0332 Caster worships and entire body is branded with the symbol of Abaddon<br>
0333 Caster worships and entire body is branded with the symbol of Abattur<br>
0334 Caster worships and entire body is branded with the symbol of Abigor<br>
0335 Caster worships and entire body is branded with the symbol of Abraxas<br>
0336 Caster worships and entire body is branded with the symbol of Abu<br>
0337 Caster worships and entire body is branded with the symbol of Abudantia<br>
0338 Caster worships and entire body is branded with the symbol of Adad<br>
0339 Caster worships and entire body is branded with the symbol of Adiririon<br>
0340 Caster worships and entire body is branded with the symbol of Adramalech<br>
0341 Caster worships and entire body is branded with the symbol of Aegir<br>
0342 Caster worships and entire body is branded with the symbol of Aesculapius<o:p></font></p>

<blockquote>
  <p>Just so the reader knows, initially there was going to be a massive list of gods in the
  next book, and every one of them historically accurate. Plans have changed, and so will
  this part of this appendix sometime soon.</p>
</blockquote>

<p style="margin-right:.5in;margin-left:.5in"><font color="#FF00FF">You know, a lot of
these results are a lot funnier when you remember that magic items can trigger these
rolls, and &quot;caster&quot; refers to the item in those cases.</font></p>

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right:1.0in;mso-margin-top-alt:auto;
mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto;margin-left:1.0in"><font color="#FF00FF">0883 Every time a spell is cast, the caster burps at 125 decibels.<br>
0884 Every time a spell is cast, the caster bleeds from their ass.<br>
0885 Every time a spell is cast, the caster punches themselves in the cock n&#146;
balls/gash for 2 LP of damage.<br>
0886 Every time a spell is cast, the caster&#146;s eyes bug-out as if in severe
constipation.<br>
0887 Every time a spell is cast, the caster holds their right hand to their chest,
attempts to bite their ear.<br>
0888 Every time a spell is cast, the caster jumps for joy.<br>
0889 Every time a spell is cast, the caster flips off the target.<br>
0890 Every time a spell is cast, the caster flicks their nutsack/labia 3 times.<br>
0891 Every time a spell is cast, the caster pukes bile.</font></p>

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right:.5in;mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:
auto;margin-left:.5in"><font color="#FF00FF">I don't know what I did - probably coining the line &quot;Don't worry, I
brought enough balls for everyone!&quot;, or all those times I tried to set strangers on
fire for asking me what time it was - but I'm really damn sorry. </font></p>

<p style="margin-right:.5in;margin-left:.5in"><font color="#FF00FF">As though it all isn't
enough, we also have about a hundred results where Hall seems to rip off metal lyrics:</font></p>

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right:1.0in;mso-margin-top-alt:auto;
mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto;margin-left:1.0in"><font color="#FF00FF">0949 Every time a spell is cast, the caster says &#147;I must die while
suffering!&#148;<br>
0950 Every time a spell is cast, the caster says &#147;I want to be one with the
dead!&#148;<br>
0951 Every time a spell is cast, the caster says &#147;Blood shall flow because killing is
all we know!&#148;</font></p>

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right:.5in;mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:
auto;margin-left:.5in"><font color="#FF00FF">Yeah! Keep rocking, dudes! </font></p>

<blockquote>
  <p>Rock is weak.</p>
</blockquote>

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right:1.0in;mso-margin-top-alt:auto;
mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto;margin-left:1.0in"><font color="#FF00FF">0991 Every time a spell is cast, the caster says &#147;I must achieve my
revenge through hatred!&#148;<br>
0992 Every time a spell is cast, the caster says &#147;Suffer to survive, instinct I
despise!&#148;<br>
0993 Every time a spell is cast, must chant &#147;You&#146;re as ugly as the poo I left in
your mama&#146;s mouth!&#148;</font></p>

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right:.5in;mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:
auto;margin-left:.5in"><font color="#FF00FF">There's hope, though. Maybe someday, someone will roll this result: </font></p>

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right:1.0in;mso-margin-top-alt:auto;
mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto;margin-left:1.0in"><font color="#FF00FF">1351 Accidentally casts Fatal.</font></p>

<p style="margin-right:.5in;margin-left:.5in"><font color="#FF00FF">I've had enough, but
of course, we just can't leave without seeing these:</font></p>

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right:1.0in;mso-margin-top-alt:auto;
mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto;margin-left:1.0in"><font color="#FF00FF">0995 Caster grows a piece of fruit from their dickhole/cuntpipe that
ripens in 10 days. If eaten, +1 to Drive.<br>
0996 Caster grows a piece of fruit from their dickhole/cuntpipe that ripens in 10 days. If
eaten, -1 to Drive.<br>
0997 Caster grows a piece of fruit from their dickhole/cuntpipe that ripens every 10 days.
If eaten, +1 CA.<br>
0998 Caster grows a piece of fruit from their dickhole/cuntpipe that ripens every 10 days.
If eaten, -1 CA.<br>
0999 Caster and target begin copulating instantly for 2d10 rounds. Target enjoys it
thoroughly.<br>
1000 Caster and target begin copulating instantly for 2d10 rounds. Target becomes a loyal
henchman.<br>
1001 Caster and target begin copulating instantly for 2d10 rounds. Target bites
caster&#146;s cock, 2d4 dmg.<br>
1002 Caster and target begin copulating instantly for 2d10 rounds. Target laughs like
madman and runs off.</font></p>

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right:1.0in;mso-margin-top-alt:auto;
mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto;margin-left:1.0in">We generated this list by passing it to many people for input, and as you can see, the ideas
were downright humorous.</p>

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right:1.0in;mso-margin-top-alt:auto;
mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto;margin-left:1.0in"><font color="#808080">Burnout: Again I was laughing way too hard to respond up until now.
(Wiping the tears of laughter from my eyes.) But I can only say almost all of the 2000
were meant to be funny. Until the point we got tired of being funny and just handed it
over to Byron to fill in the rest. And as he stated, he set it online for people. By the
way, the dickhole/cuntpipe fruit was my idea. YOU'RE WELCOME.</font></p>

<p style="margin-right:.5in;margin-left:.5in"><font color="#FF00FF">After literally the
40th page of this shit, we get another appendix with 470 random phobias (&quot;470-600
Reroll&quot;!), although I doubt a phobia of rape is really called
&quot;virginitiphobia&quot;, and naturally, there are three different phobias for an erect
penis (although, to be fair, only Ithyphallophobia adds having one to a general phobia of
them). Fear of men appears three times, too. Fear of beautiful women appears twice. Fear
of wind is in there a couple times. Fear of venereal disease only appears once, but
rolling that would be a lucky break, for reasons I've already mentioned.</font></p>

<p style="margin-right:.5in;margin-left:.5in">There's a reference for the phobias.</p>

<p style="margin-right:.5in;margin-left:.5in"><font color="#FF00FF">And then there's a
thousand random magical ingredients - those of you who were wondering how Hall could've
possibly fit in &quot;frozen grass&quot; or &quot;urine from a castrated male&quot; when
there were only 1,999 entries on the random magical effect chart can die in peace.</font></p>

<p style="margin-right:.5in;margin-left:.5in"><font color="#FF00FF">The best part is that
at the end, we finally see the one thing that could make this whole mind-numbing, idiotic,
alcohol-churning, change-your-car's-battery-underwater-pleasant experience complete: BYRON
HALL'S BIO AND PICTURE! Yes, not since World of Synnibarr has a RPG been so graced. Of
course, while McCracken's bio was whimsically insane and over the top (and thus lovably
classic), Hall's is short and just mentions how he likes to collect degrees when he's not
enjoying shred guitar, ancient and medieval literature and history, philosophy, blah blah
blah yeah right.</font></p>
<p style="margin-right:.5in;margin-left:.5in">That's right.</p>
<p style="margin-right:.5in;margin-left:.5in"><font color="#FF00FF">And yes, any of you
furries in the audience can go ahead and look to see if he's really the sort who would
enjoy a bunny suit.</font></p>
<blockquote>
  <p><font color="#009900">So, we have a name for our pain: Byron Hall, who claims to have
  an M.A.</font></p>
  <p><font color="#009900">Mr. Hall, I can tell when somebody has an M.A, and believe me,
  you don't. There are certain hints, like, well, the entirety of FATAL</font></p>
  <p>Darren, who only refers to his high school experience, can tell? Actually, beyond my
  M.A., I've done my pre-doctoral work as well, and have enough grad. credits for two of
  those easy, little degrees.</p>
  <p><font color="#009900">I finished this review at 3:33 in the morning. Maybe, in the
  morning, they'll [http://www.unknown-armies.com/ find me ascended to the Invisible Clergy] as the Martyr Critic. I hope so. Jason can be my
  Godwalker.</font></p>
</blockquote>

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right:.5in;mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:
auto;margin-left:.5in"><font color="#FF00FF">Sartin: Hey, great! Maybe my fourth avatar channel for that will be
&quot;Accidentally Unleash Horrendous Doom That Swallows The World&quot;...uh, shit. Ah,
well. Between [http://us.imdb.com/Title?0060753 Red Zone Cuba] and FATAL, I
think we have solid evidence that humanity wasn't going to amount to much anyway.</font></p>

<blockquote>
  <p><font color="#009900">And a quick note: Just in case that you're thinking that you
  should download this game to find out just how bad it is: Why reward him with your
  precious eyeball time? Right now, at RPGnow.com, they've got 
[http://www.rpgnow.com/product_info.php?products_id=774 Ars Magica] and the
[http://www.rpgnow.com/product_info.php?products_id=796 Deadlands Players Guide]
 for free. And if you want to see a magically impressive, mythically
  accurate, innovative, well-written, well-illustrated book that makes FATAL look like the
  pathetic wankjob that it is, go and download Ars Magica ''right this fucking second.''</font></p>
  <p>If they're refering to the game that has no items for sale, prices, etc., it seems a
  half-conceived waste. If you want a game that is true to its premises (detailed,
  difficult, historically/mythically accurate), you want FATAL.</p>
  <p><font color="#009900">You still here? Go and download it, for Christ's sake.</font></p>
  <p>Please, don't do anything for his sake.</p>
</blockquote>

<p style="margin-right:.5in;margin-left:.5in"><font color="#FF00FF">Sartin: Yeah, Ars
Magica digs up FATAL's mother's grave and does bad things to her corpse. It would be worth
getting even if you'd have to pay for it, and having it available for free is just plain
awesome.</font></p>

<blockquote>
  <p><font color="#808080">Burnout: Actually I give Ars Magica its credit for coming up with
  a good magic system. That is the only thing that game has to offer though. </font></p>
</blockquote>

<p style="margin-right:.5in;margin-left:.5in"><font color="#FF00FF">While we're on the
subject of RPGs that kick FATAL's ass at its own game, Warhammer Fantasy Role-Play is also
very good if you want gritty, medieval-flavored gaming. And if you want difficult, lethal,
detail-heavy fantasy combat, Rolemaster and Age of Heroes are far more sane and realistic.
(Hell, Age of Heroes is free, too, and Rolemaster was the game that put critical hit
charts on the map.) And if, for some reason, you have to have an ultraviolent, low brow,
testosterone-coated, phallic-imagery-laden RPG, then for the love of God please get SenZar
instead - sure, a 1st level SenZar character could easily survive a fall off a 100 foot
cliff, but that still doesn't make it less realistic than FATAL, and its rules are a
motherfuck of a lot more fun.</font></p>

<blockquote>
  <p><font color="#808080">Burnout: Again credit where it is due, Warhammer Fantasy
  Role-Play was fun many years ago but it got old fast.</font></p>
</blockquote>

<p style="margin-right:.5in;margin-left:.5in">And none of those games to my knowledge have
scholarship and footnotes to sources. They expect you to believe their material for no
good reason. If they do have good reason, it's buried in sources that must be sifted
through, instead of called into the open on the spot. As far as fun, I challenge that
FATAL is the most fun...of course!</p>

<blockquote>
  <p><font color="#009900">So, we're finished with the main bulk of the game itself. Just
  for the sake of beating it further to death, let's check some of the bullshit excuses on
  the FATAL webpage that explains why it isn't sexist. I'll provide commentary.</font></p>
</blockquote>

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right:.5in;mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:
auto;margin-left:.5in"><font color="#FF00FF">Sartin: For once, we'll let Darren cover this shit without interruption.
The demonic contract he made me sign only covers the game itself, after all.</font></p>

<blockquote>
  <p><font color="#009900">Is FATAL Misogynist?</font></p>
  <p><font color="#009900">No.&nbsp; The focus of this game is not intended to foster hatred
  toward females.&nbsp; However, the game attempts to portray females as is accurate in
  history.</font></p>
  <p>There should be quotes around the above.</p>
  <p><font color="#009900">Except, as it's been pointed out, the game's basis in historical
  accuracy is about as firm and solid as a tubful of gelatin in an ultrasonic mixer. As a
  matter of fact, what's especially vexing is that the nimrod who wrote this has figured out
  that if you throw up a thick enough screen of bullshit, then people will get flummoxed and
  walk away.</font></p>

  <p>Actually, I'm not the one relying on cheap techniques like emotion and rhetoric. I will
  always address real arguments openly and fairly.</p>
  <p><font color="#009900">[http://www.quinion.com/words/qa/qa-duc1.htm Not this little black duck]. I
  would say that FATAL's view of history is one-sided, but that suggests that they actually
  have enough information to present a side; in fact, all they have is a fragment, and
  nothing more. Their view of females in history is missing huge swathes of information, and
  there's not a single page that passes where a woman or the female sex appears and isn't
  referred to by a derogatory slur.</font></p>
  <p>Not one? Courtly Love -- there, Darren loses.</p>
  <p><font color="#808080">Burnout: Actually I would say the review has been fairly
  one-sided and biased to the extreme.</font></p>
  <p><font color="#009900">&nbsp; As such, it is possible that females encountered in the
  game will be subjected to many forms of inequality and abuse.&nbsp; Similarly, inequality
  may appear if a player creates a female character.</font></p>
  <p>Quotes above, again, are needed.</p>
  <p><font color="#009900">In other words, forget about playing Boadicea, Queen Elizabeth,
  Joan of Arc, any of the innumerable Christian female saints, females disguised as knights,
  clever female thieves - in this shithead's world, it's gang rape ahoy for anybody who
  dares shun the land of penis. Fucking moron.</font></p>
  <p>I believe the key word here is &quot;Christian.&quot; Once removed, FATAL is correct as
  can be.</p>
  <p><font color="#808080">Burnout: Actually though female knights and thieves are in FATAL.
  It&#146;s just stated that according to history they are uncommon.</font></p>
  <p><font color="#009900">It is the opinion of the author that mysogyny is a misapplication
  of over-generalizations that result from mindlessness or an absence of critical reasoning.
  Examples may be found in literature concerning at least two social phenomena:
  mindlessness and pluralistic ignorance.</font></p>
  <p><font color="#009900">&quot;I'm throwing a lot of big words at you! Go away! Go away!
  May the power of bullshit repel thee!&quot;</font></p>
  <p>Quite the opposite, I don't think any of the above words are magniloquent (big).
  Instead, I'm directing anyone who is concerned to sources that support my statement. This
  is how competent argumentation is done. Nevermind, again, that the quotes aren't where
  they should be, and are where they shouldn't.</p>

  <p><font color="#009900">Instances abound of both male and female degradation.&nbsp; If
  you have stumbled across some information in the game and it seems mysogynistic, please
  review more of the game.&nbsp; A larger, more representative, and objective review of
  &nbsp; F.A.T.A.L. will reveal that it is not mysogynistic.&nbsp; Assuredly, here at Fatal
  Games, we love females and think constantly about them.</font></p>

  <p align="center" style="text-align:center"><font color="#009900">Dear Mr. Hall:</font></p>
  <p align="center" style="text-align:center"><font color="#009900">You are a god-damned
  liar of the blackest variety.</font></p>
  <p align="center" style="text-align:center"><font color="#009900">-Darren MacLennan</font></p>
  <p align="center" style="text-align:center">Dear reader:</p>
  <p align="center" style="text-align:center">After reading Darren's arguments and mine, who
  do you deem the liar?</p>
  <p align="center" style="text-align:center">-Byron Hall</p>

  <p><font color="#009900">Or this chestnut:</font></p>
  <p><font color="#009900">Is FATAL sexist?</font></p>
  <p><font color="#009900">With the above definition in mind, F.A.T.A.L. is most certainly
  not sexist.&nbsp; First, it may be observed that gender-neutral pronouns are used
  throughout, unless specificity is necessary.</font></p>
  <p><font color="#009900">Cuntrina. Slut. Trollop. Slovenly slut. Bitch who refused to
  sleep with you. Whore. Prostitute. Cunt-pipe. Worthless woman. Harlot. And for every
  single-word epithet, there's a lengthier description of a woman who's smelly, or pregnant,
  or God only knows what else your sick mind can come up with.</font></p>
  <p>It's amazing how many terms there are in English for loose women, and lack thereof for
  men. And it's my fault for representing the English language, which is a result of
  history?</p>
  <p><font color="#009900">If you were a smarter man, Mr. Hall, then you wouldn't have put
  all of those words into FATAL and then claimed, for everybody to see, that FATAL wasn't
  sexist. But you chose to do so.</font></p>
  <p>What Darren fails to see is that most of those instances, the words were chosen by
  historical sources, and inserted appropriately. The exception is cunt-pipe, but that
  conjunction is not my own, and was inserted by someone else who wanted to make a
  contribution to a game.</p>
  <p><font color="#009900">All it takes to knock it over it is one read through the rules.
  So we can add stupidity to your list of sins as well.</font></p>
  <p>There's an extra 'it' in there. So, the reader can decide where stupidity should be
  considered.</p>

  <p><font color="#009900">Second, it is mentioned that the highest intelligence on record
  is that of a female, not a male.&nbsp; </font></p>

  <p><font color="#009900">So fuck what?</font></p>
  <p>So Darren refuses to see anything objectively.</p>
  <p><font color="#009900">Third, while instances of material exist in the game which may be
  cited in which females are degraded, equally numerous instances also exist for the
  degradation of males.&nbsp;</font></p>
  <p><font color="#009900">Complete and total bullshit. If there's one, I'd be delighted if
  somebody could come up with it. </font></p>
  <p>Sure, look at the anakim traits chart, as demonstrated much earlier. This is only one
  instance of many. Darren, however, purposely overlooks anything that contradicts his
  mindless accusations.</p>
  <p><font color="#009900">Maybe he believes it. Maybe, for him, if you say it, then it's
  so. I can trust that anybody reading this review will know the difference.</font></p>

  <p>Now that I've defended it, I'm sure they will.</p>
  <p><font color="#009900">So, in summary: FATAL is the worst role-playing game ever made. </font></p>
  <p>So, in summary: FATAL is the best role-playing game ever made.</p>
  <p><font color="#009900">Hands down. </font></p>
  <p><font color="#009900">The End. </font></p>
  <p><font color="#009900">We owe apologies to both Raven c.s. McCracken and Todd King for
  suggesting that SenZar and Synnibarr were the worst RPGs ever, because they are not.</font></p>

</blockquote>

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right:.5in;mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:
auto;margin-left:.5in"><font color="#FF00FF">Sartin: Damn straight. Seriously, people. If you learn only one thing from
all we've written today, make sure it's that giving FATAL a 1/1 Style/Substance rating was
an insult to almost every other product on RPGnet that ever got a 1/1. Even FATAL's most
tolerable parts are just kinda there, and the rest of it is so astonishingly lame that it
will reduce you to a homeless person who rants at the stars, so sniggeringly adolescent it
makes me want to tearfully beg Todd King to forgive me for ever so much as implying that
SenZar was in any way &quot;bad&quot;, and so utterly pathetic in its attitudes towards
women and sexuality that it makes me wonder if Hall's last contact with either women or
bright light was when the doctor slapped his mother. Throw in the totally ridiculous
seriousness FATAL takes for itself (&quot;most historically/mythically accurate game
available&quot; my ass), and its half-assed
I'm-just-doing-this-to-annoy-you-PLEASE-notice-me racism, and you've got the most
concentrated form of Suck any human has ever created without the help of an evil
supernatural being. Read it and laugh. It doesn't even deserve the effort it takes to hate
it.</font></p>

<p style="margin-right:.5in;margin-left:.5in"><font color="#FF00FF">Thank you all. You've
been a great audience. I can't wait to wake up tomorrow and see all the flame wars and
bitching about how we should have done two separate reviews. And now I depart, to rest for
when the forces of negative reviewing will need me again.</font></p>

<blockquote>
  <p><font color="#009900">If anybody needs me, I'll be lying in the fetal position in
  someplace dark, bleeding.</font></p>

  <p><font color="#009900">-Darren MacLennan</font></p>
</blockquote>

<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-right:.5in;mso-margin-top-alt:
auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto;margin-left:.5in;text-align:center"><font color="#FF00FF">One of us reviewers still has both his eyes. The other reviewer is to be
envied. </font></p>

<p class="MsoNormal"><font color="#009900">&nbsp;</font></p>

<blockquote>
  <p>About the picture of Mary, which is unavailable here, if anyone believes in immaculate
  conception, they're naive and primitive.</p>
  <p>Let it be known that I do not hate Darren and Jason for their emotional approach and
  poor reasoning. Instead, I feel sorry for them. Just the same, I am grateful for the
  8 mistakes they identified, even if it did take them 24,993 words (according to MS Word),
  and hundreds to thousands of mistakes. To recap, their valid points were: Aging Effects
  should be percentages, anakim traits should include Bod. Att. modifiers, Hymen Resistance
  should be affected by Manhood, Bandaging Wounds in combat on the table, 1m = 3.28' for
  Falling Damage, the extraction of Christianity and foreign influence should be explained
  more clearly, brassiere (not brazier), and to avoid the potential of racism.</p>

  <p>I am fair. Since Darren and Jason did affect the game's development by pointing out 8
  mistakes, they can be listed in the credits, if desired.</p>
  <p>FATAL is the best role-playing game that there could be!</p>

  <p>Byron Hall</p>
  <p>04/17/03</p>
</blockquote>

----
[[FRRpart4|Go to part 4]]