Forgotten Freedom:16

Last Plot -- Plot Line Home -- Next Plot

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Kithle: ENOUGH WITH THE NEAR DEITIES ON THIS SHIP!!! Allen, Ketler, Andrea, Mickey, Smig, Hoybeee, Anyone with anything that can possibly be used to enhance a weapon, into the labs, we are making ONE HELL OF A BOOMSTICK THIS TIME. By the way we will need redshirts bound and gagged, plz. Chalky, if you would be so kind.

Chalky: Only if I get to paint it.

Kithle: Deal.

---

Norbaz, Michael, and Kilthe stand amongst the gathered dead and begin sorting. Mickey stands on the side with some diamonds ready for the inevitable.

Michael: Oh... I think this one is Dooj... well, at least his arm.

Mickey: Well let's see, then. (Casts res* and a redshirt rises)

Red shirt: Huh? What? I'm alive. Glorious day I'm alive! I'm al- urk!?

Norbaz: Damn it. This is really getting tiring. (hucks redshirt's corpse over the edge)

---

Kithle: Chalky can sort, he knows what everyone tastes like. Now back to the project, Anyone not currently helping with this venture can help Chalky clean.

We will require:

• One honker of a Dragonshard in all three flavors.
• Ollian's left arm
• One Syberis mark of each house
• The hearts of one great wyrm of each dragon species capable of attaining such status
• Some of the LoB's blades (from his body) note: Chance to use the cooking joke, Check the first thousand or so
• The heads of a frost giant jarl, A fire giant priest, a storm giant sorcerer, and a death giant paladin (yes I'm serious)
• A mithril and adamantine golem, a drakebone golem
• The core of a Psi-forged Sonokineticist
• Another Khyber shard with a Primordial Omnielemental bound to it
• A Were-dire wolf's hide
• The brains of at least 12 of the 20 most powerful Quori from the dreaming dark
• A full Daelkyr, Live or freshly dead and preserved
• A fire lit by the Silver Flame
• A gift from the traveler
• The tongues of a radiant idol and a dragon below favored soul
• A warlock's ring finger (where's Sa'vor?)
• An umbragen's palm
• And Finally a true exemplar of mortal spirit who lost their left arm fighting someone they loved, must be willing

Kithle: No one on this ship currently qualifies, and it's not just the left arm thing, this one needs to be twice as sane as anyone on this Flying Funny Farm so we need to check the really deep asylums that aren't supposed to exist, you know like the one kicked me out for being incurable, the more creativity that goes into the acquisitions the better.

---

Kanatash floats into Kelter's lab, where the casters are working on Kithle's boomstick.

Kanatash: You know, I commend the effort but I think you are going the wrong way on this.

Kelter: What do you mean? When this thing is done it should have the power to vaporize a small moon.

Kanatash: Yes and while that will no doubt be useful it there is still the problem of THE CREATURE RETURNING TO LIFE AND COMING AGAIN NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES YOU KILL IT.

Andrea: That's a good point. The thing is worse than liches that way but what are we supposed to do about it? Like you said, there is no way to kill it permanently.

Kanatash: By the deranged lords, you mortals always seem to forget your history. Eberron has a long history of dealing with forces it cannot defeat. The Rajahs, for example, have the same problem, nigh unkillable and reviving when slain. Anyone remember how they were dealt with?

Kelter: Of course! If we can bind the creature we won't have to worry about it coming after us ever again.

Allen: Yes, but we will need a Khyber dragonshard and considering the power of the creature we will need one of epic size. That won't be easy to obtain or cheap either.

Kanatash: Khyber shards? Oh I can get you anything under ten foot long for a song.

Everyone: ?

Kanatash: What? Think, Khyber shards come from Khyber and that place is controled by two groups, the demon-spawn of Khyber and the aberrant minions of the Daelkyr. Anyone remember who I work for again?

Kelter: (looking at Allen) Ok, a shard about six foot long should do it.

Kanatash: Well, for that I should need about half a dozen redshirts and ten minutes.

Andrea: Well then, (calling out) Chalky, we need six more redshirts!

Chalky: (calling back) Coming right up!

Kanatash teleports out with the redshirts and a few minutes latter returns with a massive dragonshard and no redshirts.

Kelter: Um, I'm not sure I want to know, but what happened to the redshirts?

Kanatash: Well that's the thing about mind flayers. They keep a large enough breeding stock to feed their population but they still prefer it when they can get free range meals.

Kelter: Yep, I'm sorry I asked.

Allen: Come on, lets hook up the dragonshard to the boomstick so that it will suck the creature's soul in when we blast the **** out of it.

Kanatash: Well, if you need any more dragonshards just let me know and have some redshirts ready.

(Allen walks into the room where they are working on the boomstick)

Allen: Well, I do have a Khyber shard with a Primordial Omnielemental in my possession... Although it's currently being used to power my greatest project ever! MUAHAHAHAHA!!! BWAHAHAHAHA!!! *cough cough* Sorry about that, I get carried away sometimes. And yes, it was incredibly hard to find it and subdue it. It took me several hundred years and around fifty-six deaths to finally get it to stay within the shard.

---

Jarlot, meanwhile in his Captain's chambers, dealt with nightmarish metallic tendrils that assaulted him.

Jarlot: Well, Slip, my plan is working perfectly.

Slip: Huh?

Jarlot: This is all part of an effort to drive Kanatash sane.

Slip: YOU did this?

Jarlot: No actually, my plan is that I've started replacing his coffee with decaf. I've started playing easy listening tunes set to trigger every time he enters a room. I've also had all of his clothes dyed attractive and pleasant colors. Replaced his video game collection from Silent Hill to Call of Cthulhu with My Little Pony and Kingdom Hearts. I've also summoned rival demons so horrifying that even he'll think twice about trying to drive us crazy... er.

Pikachu: Pika!

Kirby: Kirby!

Yoshi: Yoshi!

Slip: ...you really are a sadist.

Jarlot: In any case, THIS damn thing is overshadowing my plans.

Slip: There's not much you can do, Captain.

Jarlot: Watch me.

(Sounds of a powering up chainsaw)

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzz

Horror from Beyond: GRARRBBABNURRRGGGGGGETTTTTTTttttttt!

Jarlot: You want some? WHO WANTS SOME!

(Sounds of shotgun blasts)

Slip: Captain, I don't think beating it with your forehead will help.

Jarlot: MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

Slip: This reminds me of the time he killed the beholder with his teeth.

---

Kithle: Do not underestimate my intellect or I will enchant my tendrils with ghost touch and show you precisely what that first aberration hunter that tried to sneak up on me went through. This Masterpiece is not only able to bind the souls of any immortals cuaght in its influence but will degrade those souls to nothing to power and and increase itself. Why do you think I asked for so many really wacko ingredients? Most importantly we need someone with the will and drive to slaughter creatures we consider unkillable or immortal, thus the requested Exemplar. Though it migh be a good idea to have some binding stones on hand until the storage capacity starts to increase. If the gods were to actually manifest themselves even as an avatar, this Weapon would be able to not only trap the full deity but eventually devour it, not so much as leaving an astral husk.

Allen: H-h-how d-do y-y-y-you kn-n-now h-how t-t-o M-make th-this??

Kithle: Well, it's based off an idea Squishy gave me. See, where he comes from, Ithilids are from the far future near the end of time, and they are trying to maintain a timeline that leads to their eventual dominion. One of the things that wasn't supposed to happen but did, the appearance of a warrior with a strange arm graft that could permently destroy even Uber-deities and the power of fate itself.

Ketler: But how did he know how to build it?

Kithle: He didn't. He knew what it could do and I reverse engineered it, sort of.

Andrea: "Sort of "!?! Thats not like you, Kithle.

Kithle: It may have been the arm or the warrior, but the recipe should work as long as we have someone with the proper qualifications using the accursed thing.

Sa'vor: (holding his finger stump) Was it realy necessary to screw with the stump so couldn't regrow.

Kithle: Yes. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Mickey: And using Pholly as a sacrifice in every batch of redshirts?

Kithle: I'll admit that's just for fun. So is quenching the forged components in Sa'vor's bodily fluids.

Kanatash: You really are bastard.

Kithle: Thank you, now which unfortunate saps get the dragons? Ohh, also, Kanatash, before you leave again.

Kanatash: I'm not going after the drakes for you?

Kithle: Not that, Umm I need you to take this recipe to a group of Flayers under the Frostfell. Tell them it's a cure for the sapphire fever I infected their elder brain with.

Kanatash: Wait, that was you?

Kithle: Hehe, yeah (looking nervous). Anyways tell them they need to give you the really big Syberis they found during a nasty ringfall a couple hundred years ago. It's about seven feet long and narrower than the Khyber you brought in.

Kantash: Why me?

Kithle: You're on good terms with the flayers, right? well lets just say the sapphire fever isn't the only reason they hate me.

(Everyone stares)

Kithle: Alright, alright, I led a slave uprising just to steal the shard, then when that backfired I doused the brain to cause a distraction and ran for it.

---

Jarlot: Whew....I've finally found the summoning circle for this thing. Slip, do you have the enchantment that will send it back where it came from?

Slip: Yes sir.

Jarlot: Good. Now...

CRACK BOOM

A figure looking like a much better kept and dressed Captain Jarlot then appeared wearing a silvery suit of clothing and wearing a tricorder at his side.

Jarlot the 19th: Good evening, fellow sapient and ancestor. I am your distant descendant. I have come here from the far off 20th century to warn you not to use this summoning circle to bring forth hordes of demons from Xoriat.

Jarlot: Why would I want to do that!?

Jarlot the 19th: Well in our timeline, you do and result in thousands of deaths that lead to a cataclysmic series of events, plagues, and madness that result in our family taking command of the universe and ruling it in a brutal tyranny. I as your sole remaining good-aligned descendent wish to prevent this.

Jarlot: Errr... okay.

Jarlot the 19th: Thank you, because of this the Evil Pirate Empire will be prevented from existing. Beam me up, Spocky.

He vanished in a particle stream

Slip: We're going to summon a lot more evils, aren't we?

Jarlot: HELL yes!

---

(Sa'vor stands in his cell, looking at the stump of his ring finger)

Sa'vor: Well... that was interesting, hmmmm, if I can guess Kithle's plan right he's somehow going to gain supreme power from this and crush me, That doesn't sound too good to me

Slip: I can't be as bad as you taking over

Sa'vor: True enough, but slaying my draconic ancestors is slightly irritating me, Perhaps I should partake of the ritual of Shadow.

Slip: And that is?

Sa'vor: Trust me, if Kithle's going to use this graft to gain power beyond the gods, we're going to have to call somthing bigger, somthing that lies within my mind this very moment.

Slip: And that is?

Sa'vor: Shhh, I need some time to bring all my grafts and enhanced body parts to full operation. (a faint aura of evil forms around Sa'vor) Now I must meditate on my time in the planes, if you wish to watch, place your hands on my temples. (Slip does so)

(Theres a rush of power and Slip stands in Sa'vor's mental landscape, around her the floor is covered with black roses, the grass is blackened and dead, skeletal trees stand in a forest about her, Sa'vor materializes from nowhere)

Sa'vor: Welcome to my mind, follow me, we must collect all my Mindsets into one, First we shall defeat The Conduit (he sets off into the woods, the trees gradualy change to form towers of crystal and pulsing spheres of power, in a clearing stands Sa'vor dressed in grey)

The Conduit: I knew you would come.

Sa'vor: Indeed, you must be assimilated, I have put up with my mind's insanity long enough! (grabs The Conduit and proceeds to drain his blood, he finishes quickly and throws down the empty husk, A pedestal appears before Sa'vor, upon it is a Gauntlet like Naz'roth's old one, Sa'vor places it on his right hand and instantly a crackling bolt of crimson energy flows up his arm, Sa'vor flexes his fingers)

Slip: Is it done?

Sa'vor: Not even close

(Next they stood before a portion named the Necromancer)

The Necromancer: I shall not join you, my minions, arise!

(He raises his hands and twelve vampires rise up from the dirt, Slip blastes them down with one Energy bolt, just then Sa'vor strikes with a ranged blood drain; a stream of crimson blood is pulled from the necromancer's neck, he slumps on the floor)

Sa'vor: (a second gauntlet materializes along with a ring with a sapphire in it) Ah, now we fight the Elementalist .

( In the Chamber of the Elementalist stands a tower of raging flame, ice, wind, acid, lightning, earth and force)

The Elementalist: I hear of your Plight My lord, I yield (he bows his flaming head, Sa'vor Plunges his hand into the Elementalist's chest)

(Four hours later)

(Slip leaves Sa'vor's mind as the task is done, Sa'vor has absorbed the Killing Machine and now stands before her, he's dressed in armour designed like Naz'roth's Gauntlet, Four rings Forged from Platinum and a Strange black metal of interwoven bands glow on his fingers; one of emerald, One of Sapphire, One of Ruby, One of Diamond. A Torque of Platinum strengthened magically with runes that glow Violet ending with Two glowing Rubies, He wears a Darkweave belt with Amythysts placed at points, His armoured boots are wreathed in a Constant layer of elemental power, His Circlet has one large Ruby at the forehead and is constructed much like the rings. his cloak flows like the shadows themselves, its frayed form flutters permenatly in a ethereal breeze, Runes of black had appeared in bands all over Sa'vor's skin, Sa'vor's eyes glowed Violet)

Slip: Sa'vor? Has it worked?

Sa'vor: Yes.

Slip: Can you stop the Calling Dark and, if you have to, Kithle?

Sa'vor: Yes.

Slip: Do you know the secret?

Sa'vor: Yes.

Slip: Can you teach me it?

Sa'vor: No, it cannot be taught, only learned, you must seek it yourself.

Slip: How did the Illithids fall?

Sa'vor: Through greed, and overusing the Secret of Shadow.

(Sa'vor turns his head and The Shadows flee before his gaze.)

Sa'vor: So Returns the Calling Dark, as its most powerful incarnation.

(A womans voice calls out in a whisper)

Calling Dark: Sa'vor? Seek me, Fight me, your death shall teach me the secret.

(Sa'vor strides out of the room, Slip sighs)

Slip: I better go to Jarlot to tell him to be prepared for a power struggle.

---

Norbaz: (Materializes before Sa'vor) So, what do you think Kithle will do to the Calling Dark?

Sa'vor: He will kill it and absorb its powers, he will become the Calling Dark, he will kill thousands, and then he will vanish until he is summoned once more, so is the curse of the Calling Dark

Norbaz: When this is finished, will you remain?

Sa'vor: I will teach she who does not exist what I know and then I will remain to safeguard our good captain Jarlot and make sure he does not change from his course of action.

Norbaz: So? Do you want some of my chili?

Sa'vor: (Thinks for a moment) You know, I think I do.

---

John: Ummm... Jarlot?

Jarlot: Quiet, you little tree-hugger, I'm trying to build my empire in the future!

John: That probably isn't a good idea.

Jarlot: What? Why? I want to be the ruler of the world!

John: I know, but the way that you're doing it is unconscionable.

Jarlot: So? What do I care? You're just a Keel! You can be replaced! Easily replaced I might add... KETLER! Stop looking at the Jaela mags and get over here!

John: Not if there isn't anything left...

Jarlot: What are you talking about?

John: Bigby's Crushing Tactical Nuke. Kaboom.

Jarlot: No. No. No! NOOOOO!

John: In the event that you summon an army of demons to take over the world, I will be forced to nuke the ship, destroying everyone, including myself.

Jarlot: Curses! Foiled again!

John: Besides, the last time you tried summoning lots of things it didn't work so well for you... although we did get a year's worth of rations out of them, I guess. You'll probably get crabs again.

Jarlot: Hey! Crabs are dangerous!

John: Yeah, you would know... Promiscuity has its downsides.

Jarlot: Wait a second, aren't you against killing sentients or whatever?

John: Yup, but you have the potential to unite the world in peace and prosperity if you don't do this, so it's worth the risk.

Jarlot: HA! You're bluffing! I'll do it anyway! I'll just have Ketler put a globe of invulnerability on me! *maniacal laughter!*

John: Not really, but if you go my way, you can get drunk, not have hangovers, be with the most beautiful and buxom women, and live in such luxury that you'll never have to move two steps again. What do you say?

---

Kithle: Why does everyone assume I want to wear this monstrosity myself? One, I don't qualify. Two, do you realize what wearing this thing is going to do the poor sap? The poor creature will go from being the sanest of us to being crazier than half the crew combined, and not in a fun way. Three, I still have both arms and no current ties of love. Four, once this thing is made and grafted to the poor schmuck I ain't touching it ever again. Five, that shadow ritual won't save you if you manage to **** off the wielder anyway. You need to remember I can still read the minds of those around you, Drempire (dragon/demon/vampire). Now seriously, How are we gonna get Ollian's arm? Even I'm not going up against that tree.

---

Jarlot: Let me think about that...

(pause)

Jarlot: I've decided.

(pours Sovereign Glue over the keel)

Jarlot: Byyxxiksww yayaneluyb

(splashes blood on seal)

Suiahagbyyyjnx

...Now for the last bit of the spell. I have to sacrifice myself then descend to Hell and cast this spell to usurp the power of the Keeper and thus reign forever and ever over all eternity.

Andrea: Hey, Jarlot, have you seen my copy of the Necronomicron De Mortis?

Jarlot: Yeah, I've got it over here. I'm using it to become an avatar of Ultimate EvilTM to Take over the WorldTM.

Andrea: Oh... that spell. The joke.

Jarlot: Wait, what?

Andrea: Oh come on, you don't think that if we actually had a spell like that we wouldn't have used it already?

Jarlot: You mean it doesn't work?

Andrea: Well you know the last part where you kill yourself....

Jarlot: Yeah?

Andrea: Remember how Darth Vader was redeemed in Return of the Jedi for one final good act that sacrificed himself?

Jarlot: I remember getting those DVDs from Elminster's corpse and watching them, yeah.

Andrea: Well, that's pretty universally an automatic ticket to the Heaven of the Sovereign Hosts. They're big on glorious sacrifices.

Jarlot: I'm not following you.

Andrea: Well, the person who does this spell has to be utterly and titanically evil right?

Jarlot: Obviously. The only reason I can fill the schoolgirl blood necessary is the sheer volume of kosher Jaela that we need to prepare for Dooj. He's a Druid you know.

Andrea: Funny, he doesn't look Druish.

Jarlot: But what does this have to do with my Darkest of Darkest Plots?

Andrea: Well the final part of the spell is killing yourself to descend to Hell.

Jarlot: Yess...

Andrea: Well that makes your final act being killing one of the most evil beings in the world and sacrificing your life to do so. Automatic ticket to Heaven....

Jarlot: ...OH COME ON!

Andrea: I didn't make up the rules.

Jarlot: ...so, John boy, that offer still open?

---

Squishy: I'm not sure you all know how that graft works. When activated, true, it is a powerful weapon, but it's really just a weak laser. It's true capability and the reason it wasn't supposed to happen in the mindflayer's timeline is that when it is activated any mind flayers or mind flayer kin within ten miles experiences all of the suffering that they have caused to their victims over their entire lives. All of this pain causes most mind flayers to go comatose and in extreme cases death from system shock.

Tabitha: Okay but why are you telling me this? Shouldn't you be warning Kithle?

Squishy: Nah

Kithle: Godsdammit, will you people learn that I can read your dusty deranged little minds!!! You're thinking of the fracking right arm. The left arm, you twit, was the god killer. And no one is going to tell me or anyone else otherwise unless they wanna end up next to Pholly and Sa'vor as bodily fluid donors. Now come on put that wonderful dementia to work people, I'm offering the oppurtunity to cause mayhem on a scale unknown to history. Let’s round up those ingredients.

Think of this even if the bloody thing doesn't work we can have more fun than Dol Dornmas and redshirt pitfighting combined putting it together. Then we can watch as a (relatively) decent person descends to into unknowable madness. Who’s up for some kicks?

Squishy : Then I put the anti-mindflayer one in the... Tabitha, keep up everything while I'm gone. I my be in a lot of trouble.<gets on slave giant wasp and flys away.>

---

(Sa'vor sits eating chili with Kithle opposite him in the mess hall)

Sa'vor: So let me get this straight, you're creating one of the ultimate super weapons ... but you have no personal gain from it? Aside from the slaying of godly creatures.

Kithle: There is some gain, the pride of creating a weapon of mass destruction.

Sa'vor: Hmmmm, you still need Ollian's arm?

Kithle: Yes, none of these foolish crew members are stupid enough to try and Allen doesnt like living trees; the whole stake vampire thing.

Sa'vor: All right, I'll get you that arm, I'll even help complete this artifact your making.

Kithle: Why what will you gain from this?

Sa'vor: Pride, and the satisfaction of helping construct one of the evilest things in existence and I would like some form of payment.

Kithle: Which would be?

Sa'vor: I'll need some people to go with me to the Tombs of Qulithkask in Xen'drick, these unmapped tomes have links to almost every plane. Within is the knowledge of the Giants, the greatest wizards, Clerics, Psions and Dragons stored their knowledge within those vaults, spells time has forgotten, Items of untold power and a map of Argonesson, with which we will find a dragon graveyard and find the bones of Bones of my Ancestor Grusshhilixia the seer, his left eye is the ancient eye of the prophecy; we can use it to tell portions of the Draconic prophecy.

Kithle: I can see the advantage there... but why do you need this?

Sa'vor: Not me, I need nothing from this... except maybe some of the knowledge within the vaults, the eye will be able to show you, Kithle, how the Illithids were wiped out and how you can stop it happening, it will also grant you the ability to see where you and Jarlot fit in within the prophecy. Think of it, Kithle, you can rebuild the Illithid empire, you can rule over it as Emperor, you can use the item you're creating to enslave all.

Kithle: It does have merit. however, Yyu are probably betraying me, how does Jarlot fit into this? Is he the one who stops the illithids?

Sa'vor: I do not know, he has some part to play in this, maybe he releases one of Naz'roth's old friends or maybe he has the potential to save the universe, I don't know, I have not seen the Prophecy in entirety, but the eye will show us where and when the symbols appear.

Kithle: How do you fit in to this Prophecy?

Sa'vor: I am the guide, I put things in motion (eats more chili) this is actually good (rises) and now I'm going to hunt some redshirts (leaves) *********end bold text**************

Kithle: He's planning to betray me somehow, I'm sure, though I like the sound of Emporer Kithle, Lord of Madness

---

(Kanatash floats outside listening in)

Kanatash: (leaves and floats through the walls to his room, he rasies his tattooed palm and speaks into it) Masters, everything is set in motion to the one named Kithle raising the illithid empire; what are your commands?

(Purple blood flows out of the eye and forms these words)

Our Faithful servant; Influence their actions, guide them from the shadows, keep the illithid empire from failing before it begins. We have sent you Sa'vor as our force to influence them, Sa'vor shall be the guide, follow him and bask in the radiance of the tombs might, we shall relay new commands to you soon

Kantash: As you will, my lords

---

(Dooj, who has recently been raised, now sits cowering in the medbay, his recent experiences have slightly damaged his mind.... Well, what was left of it)

Micky: He's been like this ever since we raised him.

Michael: Such a shame, we were going to torment the redshirts later.

Micky: Yes, you guys seem to really like doing that, I get so many horribly disfigured redshirts these days, most of them die of course... well all but that **** Pholly.

Devon: You know, Pholly said he might actualy succeed this (ship is shaken by a monumental explosion, ship tilts to one side, smoke billows into the room, ship re-rights itself) ... time

(Pholly pokes his head into the room)

Pholly: It wasnt me! Nobaz's Chili has somehow become sentient and escaped into the pipes, it ate one of the spare Alchemist nukes, IT'S STILL ALIVE! Oh and Norbaz said we're having Mystery Meat for Lunch; Jarlot says it's mandatory that it's eaten (Phollys footsteps are heard running down the corridor followed by a scream and Pholly yelling) OH KHYBER IT'S COMING FROM THE WALLS! THE WALLS!

Micky: I don't know whats worse on this ship: the explosions; the plotting and scheming; The Dark entities; Norbaz's Cooking or Devon's Poetry recitals.

Michael: We might as well help the little runt, shame, I was going to go wenching tonight.

Dooj: (from the corner) Wenches!? (leaps to his feet) Where?

Micky: Oh wow, he's cured (drinks some Vodka/Cure light wounds)

(Pholly's footsteps running in the opposite direction)

Pholly: LEG IT!

---

(In the Bridge)

Jarlot: (through the speaking tube) This is a Cyan alert people, all found not doing their duty will be flogged and used as Pholly's lab assistants for the next two weeks.

Slip: Isn't Cyan alert the one for Attacks of Demons?

Jarlot: Well, thats what the brochoure says but actaully it's for anything that we can't find in the Monster Manual 1, 2 or 3.

Slip: So what's emerald alert?

Jarlot: Courtesans nearby.

Slip: That's what it is?

Jarlot: That or a brothel.

Slip: Just when I thought you people couldn't get crazier.

---

(Meanwhile the crew is fighting the Chili monster... well, the crew that are afraid of floggings ... which is the redshirts and Pholly, the others watch from afar)

Lisa: Shouldn't we be helping?

Marish: I just did my nails and anyway, no one listens to the captain... well most of them only listen when there's an emerald alert.

Lisa: We really are the scum of Eberron, aren't we.

Andrea: (winces as another redshirt's engulfed) We most definitly are.

Ketler: Maybe we can reason with it?

Dooj: The chili?

(Pholly is hurled in front of them)

Pholly: A little help?

(The crew wince as a pseudopod grabs his leg and draws Pholly back into the fray, his piercing screams make them all turn away)

Hoybee: I have an idea!

Sa'vor: This would be?

Hoybee: Well... errrr... it's gone now, t'was a good un though!

Devon: We could ... insult it!

Kanatash: How ?

Kithle: Well, there's nothing more insulting than Devon's poetry, that can kill anything...

(Allen walks up to the speaker tube)

Allen: Would all crew members use their standard-issue earplugs now please, This is an emergency (puts his earplugs in his ears)

(Devon walks up to the creature and begins to read, it looks at him as each stanza unfolds, by the second line it begins to gurgle and waver, by the fitth line it trembles and shakes and then by the sixth line... it has exploded in a shower of burning hot chili)

(The crew is now drenced in chili, they begin to cheer and whoop)

Norbaz: Don't celebrate yet, there's another six down in the cargo bay

---

John: Jarlot, you probably should realize that was actually a bluff. I can't shoot Bigby's Crushing Tactical Nuke at the ship. You made sure that Ketler added that little stipend in when he made me. I believe it was because you didn't want Lisa to try to hold the ship hostage with the nuke... You could try conquering Khorvaire with peace and love, but I can't guarantee you'll get your empire if you do. You'll probably get your own religion though.

Jarlot: My life sucks.

Allen: Tell me about it.

---

Narrator: You may all wonder where V is during all this - he is in fact in his cabin, completely WASTED.

V: Whoa, my hands are huge, they can touch anything then themselfs, (touches hands together) whoa

---

(Random redshirt runs up to the crew holding a note)

(Note shows Squishy in handcuffs)

Andrea: (reading note aloud) You must send 50,000,000gp in bail to free this creature. Send in an unmarked envelope to Bluespur.

Norbaz: Why would we want to free him?

Tabitha: Guys, he took all of our bank cards..... and he is the only one with the key to the booze/money vault!!!!!

(Michael, Doog, and half of the other crew have fallen over due to massive heart attack)

---

Kithle: Dammit, it's one sidetrack after another, ain't it. Well, first thing first, Chalky, eat the narrator.

Chalky: Finally, a snack.

Narrator: NOT AGAIN!!!

Kithle: Dooj, Michael find V and take the a skiff to save Squishy. Bring along Disaster as your magical back up. Oh and that putzy illusionist who thinks he is the reincarnation of the Rakshasa Primarch. He's been hiding in the hold since the bank job.

---

(Down in the hold, the screams of battle can be heard alongside the ferocious battle cries and maniacal laughter, magical attacks flash to and fro, incinerating any redshirt who can't run fast enough. Devon is currently engulfed by the biggest chili monster; it seems that this one likes the taste of bad poets)

Chili monster: *GURGLE* *SQUELCH*

Pholly: (Clutching his face) MY EYES, IT'S IN MY EYES!

(Dooj grabs Pholly around the waist and pulls him behind a crate, then he picks up Vera and charges back into combat, screaming somthing about the first to kill this thing and Wenches)

Michael: (to Lisa) Hey, if we make it through this... you want to go drinking sometime?

Lisa: Not if you were the last man on Eberron.

Hoybe: (Attempts to cast ray of frost but instead... a maximized fireball that knocks the crew off their feet) Damn, I was sure that one was right!

(Dooj is knocked off his feet by a pseudopod and is sent soaring into the ranks of the spell casters and ranged combatants; he lands on Bolt Tooth Tony)

Dooj: Thanks for the soft landing.

Bolt Tooth Tony: (groans) Don't y'all mention it

Jarlot: (over the speaker tubes) If you don't start fighting, I'll find someone who will! Oh, and if you don't get the key to the booze money I'll keelhaul the lot of you!

Micky: It's been ages since we got keelhauled, why did he start now?

Jarlot: Oh and Lucky needs some more aspirin.

(Andrea blasts the speaker tube and continues sending her zombie minions (recently raised from Redshirts) into the fray)

Norbaz: (Beats a second chili creature that was sneaking up behind them with his cold iron frying pan) Where the hell's Sa'vor?

Kithle: (sends a barrage of psionic energy at a third chilli causing it to retreat back into the pipes) I dont know, probably hiding from chilli monsters

(V appears in a puff of smoke behind Norbaz)

V: Actually, he's on the second cargo tier with me, Parden, Jam, she who does not exist, Lucky, The Old woman, Thrincold and Jarlot. They are curently fighting off the forth, fifth and sixth chili creatures, though they've run out of redshirts to use as human shields and chili treats

Ketler: (from behind a crate) I'll be right on that, though I have a new invention that might help destroy the chili monsters (rempoves an egg whisk from his pocket)

Jhonny: That Egg thingy! (drools more while standing in corner facing wall)

Kithle: Another shining example to my species, how great

(Squinty blows up Chili one by accident, he was trying to blow a hole in the wall so he could escape)

Devon: (Falls in front of them) OW OW OW OW OW ! CHILI BURN SO MUCH!

---

(Currently in cargo bay two)

Jarlot: Arrrrgghhhh! (cleaves Pseudopod in half) I'm getting the feeling (Accidently removes redshirt's head) That I need more booze! Where's my beer!

Lucky: Somewhere over there! (points at Area where two chili mosters are combining, indeed there are two whole Kegs of beer there)

V: (reappears in a puff of smoke with Allen right behind him) Reinforcements!

Sa'vor: Excellent! Now the chili has more choice! (hacks through a Chili, it reforms)

V: (Hurls a few Alchemist shocks into the fray) You make this sound like a meal.

Sa'vor: Yes it is, it's a **** happy meal for monsters. (casts a few fireballs followed by an eldritch blast)

Old dwarven woman: (hits Sa'vor round the head with stick) Language, young man!

(The sounds of battle halt and the chili stops moving)

Chili: * Gurrgle* * Gurrgle* * Horribly chemical noise*

Allen: Thats not good...

BOOOOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!

(Chili rains down on everyone)

Jarlot: Finaly, now, I'm feeling like going to Sharn and starting a Emerald Alert.

Jarlot: What is so fugging funny?

Lisa: (haha) It's because your (snort), bright flaming (chuckle) pink.

Jarlot: (TWITCHTWITCH)

Crew: HAHAHAHAHAHA

Jarlot: CHAAAAAAALLLLLLKY!!!

---

Kithle: Okay, now can we please get back to work here, Sa'vor is working on the arm, by the way, anyone have any plans for aquiring the Syberis heirs? The marks need to be intact, other than that, the level of force used is up to you guys.

Kithle, Kanatash, Sa’vor, and Ketler are in Ketler's lab with the pieces they have already collected for the boomstick.

Kanatash: Well, since we haven't been getting much help from the rest of the crew, I figure that we should put our heads together on this and collect the rest of the components.

Kithle: Sounds fine to me. Now let's go over what we have so far.

Ketler: We have a massive dragonshard of each type, an omnielemental, and a warlock's ring finger courtesy of Sa'vor.

Sa’vor: (fingering his missing digit) Yes, don’t forget that I should have Ollian’s arm soon also.

Kanatash: Noted, now where to start... How about Syberis marks from each house? I think this might be a good job for the Ninja Jaelas.

Kithle: Hmm, good idea. They should have no problem tracking down the prerequisite parts and I should be able to convince them to help by promising to tell them the names of everyone on this ship who has impure thoughts about them.

Ketler: Um...

Kithle: I'll exclude you. Now what about the blades from the LoB?

Sa’vor: Why not send in Scholar as a double agent? He should have no problem joining and his power should ensure that he can get close enough to the LoB to get what we need.

Kanatash: That should do it. Just toss in a little mind control as a failsafe and we should be good. Then how about a fire lit by the Silver Flame?

Kithle: Lisa probably has one somewhere. What about the live or well preserved Daelkyr? I was thinking about Orlassk.

Kanatash: Yes, he should do perfectly, I've been looking for an excuse to take him out.

Sa’vor: Excuse me, but don't you work for the Daelkyr? I would think that you would have a problem with doing this to one of them?

Kanatash: Normally yes, but, you see, Orlassk is known to mortals as the master of stone. This is a mistranslation he is actually the Master of Stoners. He seriously does more drugs than than this entire crew and I'm counting alcohol as a drug. Since he does drugs that makes him a hippy, and I hate hippies, so I'm willing to make an exception.

Kithle: So how do we collect him?

Kanatash: I would like to do it right now, personally, but I need to collect something from Kelter's lab first.

Kanatash teleports out of the lab and returns several minutes later with the corpse of a Daelkyr and his eyes have turned into pits of infinite blackness.

Sa’vor: Nice work, but what’s with the eyes?

Kanatash: Well, thanks to this little device I took from the lab (fingers a small black torc) which I believe Ketler has titled the Assimilator, I was able to take some of Orlassk's power when I killed him. I now easily overshadow my former masters.

Kithle: No fair, I'm supposed to be the one who steals others' abilities! I should have gotten to do that!

Kanatash: Maybe, but I know you plan to become the almighty emperor of a massive Illithid empire. Thus giving you the power to challenge the gods, the dragons, and the deranged masters all at the same time. Think of this as keeping it even.

Kithle: Fine. Now what's next.

Sa’vor: How about an umbragen's palm? The only hard part will be tracking one of them down.

Kanatash: Not as hard as you think. There’s been a drow aboard this ship for ages in disguise as an elf. I’m not sure if he’s an umbragen though.

Sa’vor: Point me to him. We might as well collect the hand now and figure out if it works latter.

Sa’vor walks out and comes back several minutes later, clutching a black arm and covered in blood.

Sa’vor: Idiot. I told him I just needed his hand but he struggled so I had to take the whole arm. (setting the arm down) Next?

Kithle: Well we still need mithril, adamantine, drakebone golems. Could be tricky, those are all rare.

Kelter: I know a few artificers who have built those in the past. I might be able to call in a few favors.

Sa’vor: And if you can’t we’ll “persuade” them.

Kithle: Excellent. Now what about the heads of a frost giant jarl, A fire giant priest, a storm giant sorcerer, and a death giant paladin?

Kanatash: I think I have those lying around somewhere.

Kelter: WHAT! How in Khyber did you come into the possession of those.

Kanatash: Well suffice to say ,you encounter a great number of things wandering Eberron for hundreds of years searching for the plane’s nexus of madness, and I like to keep trophies.

Kithle: Well enough. Now for the brains of at least 12 of the 20 most powerful Quori from the Dreaming Dark. The greatest problem is getting to Dal Quor itself.

Kanatash: Well before my conversion, I was seeking a way to transport myself to Dal Quor to strike directly at the quori. In fact that was how I accidentally ended up in Xoriat. However I digress, I should be able to transport my person to Dal Quor and collect what we need.

Kithle: Well, this is coming along nicely, then.

Sa’vor: Yes, now how about a Were-dire wolf's hide?

Ketler: Um, I really hate to suggest this, but I think Erk has one of those. He’s using it as a loincloth.

Kithle: Well I would say that just became your job.

Ketler: What! Why me?

Kithle: I’m not reporting you to the Jaelas, remember?

Ketler: Fine…

Kanatash: That is an unpleasant mental image, but let us move on. Any ideas for the Great Wyrm hearts?

Sa’vor: It could take me a while but I should be able to get into Argonesse and slay the necessary dragons, although it could take me a while.

Kithle: Well that sounds like a good job for you, then. What about a gift from the traveler? This one could be difficult to track down.

Kanatash: Can we just use Pholly? He seems to fit the description.

Kithle: Perhaps I should run some tests on that. In the meantime, what next?

Sa’vor: How about the tongues of a Radiant idol and a Dragon Below favored soul?

Kanatash: I’m not sure about the radiant idol but I have a small cult based around me in Sharn that I should be able to acquire the favored soul tongue from. I hear a number of radiant idols inhabit Sharn as well so my cult may be able to track one of them down as well, actually.

Kithle: Excellent, the last component is the core of a psiforged Sonokineticist.

Kelter: I have some connections among the warforged populations. I might be able to track one down.

Kithle: Perfect, if all this works out all we need is the poor fool who will wield this monstrosity.

---

(Somewhere in Argonesson)

Great wyrm Red-dragon: Come back here, you Abomination!

(Sa'vor runs through the labrintine passages of the dragons layer, his shadowy cloak fluttering behind him)

Great wyrm Red-dragon: You can't just run from me! Not after killing my Wife! (His gaint claw shears Sa'vor in half, the image wavers and dissapears)

Great wyrm Red-dragon: What the?

Sa'vor: (Fades into existence on the dragon's head) Bye! (brings his scythe down into the dragons skull, it roars and collapses to the floor)

Sa'vor: Phew (wipes his forehead) That was difficult. (proceeds in removing the dragon's heart)

Slip: (appearing from nowhere) You could have done that quicker.

Sa'vor: Shouldn't you be flying the ship?

Slip: The captain has decided I fly it too much already, he should crash within the hour.

Sa'vor: Indeed, he never did learn how to fly that thing.

Slip: So what now?

Sa'vor: Well, we go back to the ship and hand over the hearts, then I sleep.

Slip: I mean with the dragon's corpse.

Sa'vor: Oh, well, that's a years supply of dragon meat right there, very spicy red-dragon meat.

Slip: Isn't that cannibalism?

Sa'vor: No, I'm not dragon or elf or Vampire or Demon so its within the rules.

Slip: What rules?

Sa'vor: Draconic lore states that you may only eat a dragon if that dragon died by your hands and you yourself are not a dragon.

Slip: That's one strange law.

Sa'vor: Well, we better get back to the ship before Jarlot crashes ... again.

---

(That night in Sa'vor's cell, Sa'vor lies asleep on his bed, the night is silent... all but for the sounds of Chalky hunting Squishy, Two Shadowy Symbols form on the walls, they glow with a dull red light)

(In Sa'vors dreams, a shadowy voice speaks )

"Your master has a task for you, my Fang. Find your way to the Forgotten Freedom and hunt down all its members, be swift with claw and fang, rend their flesh and prevent them from entering the tombs, make a river of blood from them!"

(A shadowy draconic eye appears before him, its feral looks burn with savage fury, the creature raises its head to reveal a half-dragon clad in black scales, his claws raised to the sky, blood dripping from them)

Sa'vor: Arrggghhh! (awakes, notices the symbols) Oh no, not you two.

As the blood drenched half-dragon rises next to Sa'vor, Kanatash floats out of a nearby wall.

Kanatash: (looking down at Sa'vor) You son of a *****. Another nigh-unstoppable extraplanar killing machine? I swear if we survive this I am going to see to it that you end up spending 1000 years of bondage in the service of the Walt Disney Daelkyr.

Sa'vor: Umm...

Kanatash: I know it was a dream. I spend most of my time in other people's minds and I happened to be in your dream at the moment. Oh, and the thing about selling you into bondage with the Walt Disney Daelkyr still stands.

---

Jarlot: Why is the minotaur pink?

Marish: CUTECUTECUTECUTE (glomps Erk)

Jarlot: Better question, why does Johnny have a target tattoed on his torso? More to the point, why doesn't he have his shirt on?

Elemental: It was tie-dyed to look like a shooting range picture. Hoybee burnt it away with searing ray trying to improve his accuracy with ray of frost.

Lisa: I think Chalky is getting bored. The tie-dye is a new trick, and this whole thing is a little more effort than he usually puts out ...OH BY THE FLAME CHECK THE OUTER HULL.

Jarlot: GROOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN, he's down there painting someone ******* on a Rakshasa that is curled up in the Silver Flame. Wow, that was one hell of a distraction... usually he would have just gone straight for the mural and been caught by now. Why didn't either of you bozos warn me?

Elemental: I think it's hilarious.

John: I can't see who it is from this angle. The ninjas are always scrabbling across there, how am I supposed to know what's going on?

Lisa: Speaking of the ninjas, I think their giving him the paint.

Jarlot: What makes you say that?

Lisa: I can't see where he's getting it.

Jarlot: The worst part is, we are passing over Thrane for a supply run in about an hour. He'll be done by then.

Lisa: I'm never gonna get to go home.

Jarlot: You just figured this out now?

Lisa: Shove it, pig.

---

Sa'vor: You didn't have to follow me, They haven't manifested yet, the superweapon we're creating scares them. They'll use their abilities from the ethereal plane or even possess a creature as their champion, shielding them from the weapon's affects.

Kantash: Are they killable?

Sa'vor: Yes, they are weaker than the Calling Dark, the Calling Dark was a scout to locate me, now we get to meet its friends.

(The light catches a pair of runes burned into the wall, the first is a circle with two wavy lines through it horizontaly, the second is another circle but with two vertical lines either side)

Kantash: What do they mean?

Sa'vor: Well, these are the Following Dark and the Whispering Dark, two of the weaker symbols, they're still capable of causing havoc on this ship, though we can banish them easily.

Kantash: What power do they possess? Also, are they passive or offensive?

Sa'vor: These symbols are more passive than offensive, they'll seek to turn us against each other and drive us to our deaths, the Whispering Dark possess the ability to whisper the darkest secrets we own; it speaks truths and twists them; it gets into out darkest fears and turns them against us; once it gains a champion it will strike at our minds, twisting our viewpoints.

Kantash: And the Following Dark?

Sa'vor: I'm not sure, I have no knowledge of it, it's not summoned often, when it is, all the records say is of deaths; blood; fear; darkness. I guess it drives us insane.

Kantash: I thought you knew everything about these things?

Sa'vor: I know a lot about them, but I only know about the more famous ones; the Calling Dark was summoned during the age of demons by Naz'roth, the Whispering Dark was used as an assassin by the Umbragen, the others are more obscure; though the worst are quite famous for causing great strife.

Kantash: Should we tell Jarlot? Or should we keep this secret?

Sa'vor: No, we should keep this secret, they can't listen in on us since the light forces them away, we shall wait and find the champions, then we shall banish them, oh and always keep yourself in light, I don't want them to hack into your mind

Kantash: Afraid of the dark?

Sa'vor: Obviously, more than anything else; it's not the dark I fear, just what dwells in it.

---

Erk: *grumbles something totally unintelligible in Giant and pats Marish on the head* He turns and points to his direct left. *more unintelligible Giant speak*

Kithle: Well, too bad about rule 4765, I'ts almost done, just need some time to finish the final assembly and a wielder, so "Screw you, Captain Dimbulb". By the way, Chalky got into the ink stores, what color is your minotaur again?

Jarlot: Why do we stock green ink?

Kithle: We don't, the little changeling mixed the blue and yellow.

Jarlot: Why do we stock yellow?

Kithle: Pholly accidently mixed some up trying to come up with a defense against 12 alarm d'Norbaz. Erk may be flammable now.

Jarlot: Okay, on this tub that's saying he's gonna blow. So who and how?

Elemental: Me and watch, "Hey Erk, touch the pretty fire"

Jarlot: Oh crap, he was doing this all day yesterday. The dumb ox never learns.

Erk: FWOOOOOOOM

---

Kanatash: So do you know how Ketler and Kithle are coming with that superweapon?

Sa'vor: I think they're done actually, but we still have the hardest part ahead, since we still need to find somebody to wield it.

Kanatash: Yes, that is a problem. He needs to be perfectly sane, willing, an exemplar of the mortal spirit, and have lost their left arm fighting for someone they love. Thats a tough bill to fit... By the deranged lords, I just had a brilliant thought. (telekinetically grabs two redshirts) You, go find Kithle and tell him I have found someone to wield his superweapon. You, go tell Ketler to come here and bring his helm of Absolute Opposition with him.

Sa'vor: (turning to Kanatash as the redshirts run off) What are you thinking?

Kanatash: I'll explain in a second. Just wait for Kithle to arrive.

Kithle: (arriving moments affterwards) Who is it?! Where is he?!

Kanatash: You're looking at him.

Kithle: You're kidding. I know you're insane, but I never thought you were stupid. The wielder has to be your polar opposite.

Kanatash: Precisely. (Ketler walks in carrying the Helm of Absolute Opposition)

Kithle: I see now. That's brilliant really, but will it work like you want it to?

Kanatash: It should. After all I'm irrevocably insane, I would never be willing to use this thing, I'm not even mortal, I am completely incapable of love, and I would never sacrafice anything for anyone else. If Ketler can tweak the helm a little, we should be garenteed to get the result we want.

Sa'vor: Excellent, now I was just wondering, has anyone thought of any precautions we can take to ensure that the guy with doomsday device attached to his arm doesn't turn against us?

Kanatash: Well it shouldn't be necessesary since I am not loyal to the crew in the least but I have a few backup plans anyways and I'm sure Kithle does as well.

Kelter: It's done. You can put it on when you're ready.

Kanatash: (becoming corperal and picking up the helmet) Well here goes nothing. (places the helm on his head)

Kithle: Um I just remembered Norbaz was using this thing as a chili bowl. I guess that explains the night of the living entree, seeing how nothing could possbly have been alive in a batch of unaltered 12 alarm d'Norbaz. That stuff should be on the list. Bloody Mol, the aura alone off that Kanatsh opposite is blinding.

Sa'vor: Speaking of which, (sizzle) there go my eyeballs.

Satnak: Huh?

Kithle: Okay Sa'vor, quick press the arm to her shoulder stump. Kanatash take that helmet off and destroy it, what would happen if the crew found it again? Alright, Satnak you will be out for a while, so your body can adjust to the graft. I'd warn you about the pain, but your gonna be unconscious.

Satnak: Uh... zzz

Kithle: Sa'vor, help me carry her to her new quarters. Then get the paperwork for her started, I'll get the orientation party together. Kanatash, tell Chalky to get his supplies. The weapon's finished.

---

Lisa: Why are we doing this?

Marish: Because she is the only other female on this ship who isn't old, a ninja, or just plain freaky. That and Kithle showed you a new trick with the hammer.

Andrea: I got a set of scrolls detailing the creation of a mother cyst and its uses.

Marish: He gave me a book of sutras.

Andrea: I didn't know you studied ancient psionic disciplines.

Marish: Not that kind of sutra.

Slip: He got me a knife that can become most any weapon I see, and I can wield it even if I've never seen the weapon actually used before.

Lisa: I got gypped.

Marish: Oh she's waking up.

---

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