Editing Forgotten Freedom:3001 3500

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3001. He already has enough problems with them.

3002.  Until further notice, we are not allowed to loanshark.

3003.  Not because it's against the law, but because nobody knows their percentages.  We are losing too much money.

3004.  I really should stop painting copper pieces gold.

3005.  Though I cant help it if goblins keep buying them for platinum.

3006.  The wizard is forbidden to warm up everyone's hot chocolate with a fireball spell.

3007.  He is also to refrain from using a lightning bolt  spell to give thw warforged a 'jump'.

3008.  The ship's surgeon is not Dr. Gregory House.

3009.  We do not have a shuffleboard court on the deck.

3010.  I should stop using the gnome for shuffleboard.

3011.  Or at least tie a rope around him.

3012.  The warforged was not made by Nintendo.

3013.  Or Sega.

3014.  Or Sony.

3015. He isn't made by Microsoft either.

3016. Or Apple.

3017. The Warforged doesn't run on solar power.

3018. Or a nuclear reactor.

3019. It is wrong to tell the Warforged this.

3020. I don't know what powers the Warforged.

3021. It might be Magic, it might also be Psionics, or even Incarnum.

3022. Which it is depends on the DM not me, so quit asking.

3023. Errandis d'Vol is not a "hot little thing".

3024. You will not use her to get a certain feat from the BoVD.

3025. The feat is "vile", that's why.

3026. Wait a minute... where'd you get that copy of the BoVD.

3027. Never mind, I don't want to know...

3028. We are dropping it off in Thrane to be destroyed.

3029. That does not mean you can in any way do anything related to Jaela. 

3030. You cannot get a BoED as a birthday present for Jaela.

3031. No reading "Necromancy for Dummies" on my watch.

3032. When fighting werebats, everyone does the utmost NOT to get bitten just so he can finally be Batman.

3032. No, King Boranal should not be told he can be "High King" by getting a taller chair.

3033. Yes, he really is that dumb.

3034. Just because he's stupid and has a name that's easy to make fun of does not mean you can call King Boranal "Moron-all".

3035. Nor anything related to the last four letters of his name.

3036. At least not while anyone loyal to him is around to hear.

3037. "Kill 'em all!" is NOT the perfect response to anything that annoys you.

3038. Guess whom you are not allowed to tell this...

3039. Just because the guy you're meeting on the way wears armor that is WAY cooler than the paladin's, that does NOT automatically mean he's evil and you can slay him.

3040. So the Paladin finally gets some decent-looking armor.

3041. Proper dinner etiquette includes knives, forks, spoons, pants, underpants and skin (I'm looking at you Andrea).

3042. It does not include spitting alcohol on Aurala's son before setting him on fire...

3043. Even if it was funny.

3044. No trying to kick or throw the halfling between the supports for the elemental ring.

3045. You should not tell the warforged to do this.

3046. No big game hunting on the ship.

3047. You will be keelhauled for this.

3048. Do not ask the paladin to bless anything you are wearing.

3049. Or parts of you.

3050. You may not refer to Last War veterans in the Eldeen Reaches as Chuck Norris.

3051. VH1 does not exist in Ebberon, not even Sharn.

3052. P30p1e fr0m Sharn may nt sp3ak in chatsp3ak.

3053. Or use buddy icons. :weep: 

3054. You may not blow out the Silver Flame.

3055. You may not pee your name in Frostfell.

3056. Ludacris does not reside in any Red Light District in Sharn.

3057. And if he did, he still wouldn't hang out with you.

3058. You are not allowed to talk like Arnold Schwartzenegger.

3059. Nor can you use any line he has said in a movie.

3060. Or anything he has said outside a movie.

3061. In particualar the warforged is not allowed to say "I'll be back".

3062. Under any circumstances.

3063. Even if he will be back.

3064. The warforged is not a Terminator.

3065. The changling isn't one of those silvery, shape-changing terminators either.

3066. The appropriate sounds to utter while riding a summoned elephant rampaging through a dungeon (controlled by a daredevil wizard) in order to bypass the guards and smash through all opposition is "Aaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!! I don't want to die!!!!" NOT "wheeeeeee!"

3067. When I ask for a heat metal spell that doesn't mean fireballing the warforged.

3068. Cone of Cold on the warforged doesn't count as a chill metal spell either.

3069. Dammit, stop fireballing the geese formations, or at least try to hit them so they land on board.

3070. On second thought, flaming geese corpses falling from the sky is not good for the airship. Do not fireball geese into falling onto the ship, ever again.

3071. No, that does not mean that lightning bolt of cone of cold is appropriate.

3072. No, ducks aren't okay, either. Nor any other form of flying creature, or non-flying creature that, for whatever reason, is currently above the airship.

3073. When a crewmember dies, the correct thing to do is to raise him if you can, and bury him if you can't. The least correct thing to do is yell "Weekend at Bernie's!", prop him up, and steal his paycheck.

3074. I am not allowed to tell the Silver Flame that the captain is a lycanthrope.

3075. In the vain hopes it would get Jaela's attention.

3076. Or for any other reason, for that matter.

3077. Unless the bounty is good, that is.

3078. I may not wake the crew with the words: We're going down, women and children first, ****ed-off dragon, demon king, 
changeling hookers, berserk shifters, no more booze on board, mutiny, or tax collector.

3079. Im still not Batman.

3080. Theres no such thing as a 'cute and fuzzy' Quori.

3081. I should stop telling that to the Kalashtar.

3082. I should also stop telling the Kalashtar "sweet dreams" when he goes to bed.

3083. Not allowed to use any item or spell or power that produces an effect similar to 'clairvoyance' or scrying or anything of the sort to spy on the women while they are showering.

3084. Not even if it's the catgirl, and you can produce a signed document in writing saying that she's okay with it.

3085. No, not even if it's really her signature.

3086. Not allowed to knock new crew members out, look shocked when they awake, tell them that they're dead and now a ghost, and have them walk through Kanatash to prove it.

3087. While most of the more experienced crew members might be familiar with this trick, the Warforged is never again to be subjected to it. Having him think he can float and walk off the edge of the Forgotten Freedom once was bad enough.

3088. Any ritual that has even the slightest chance of summoning uncontrolled monsters, especially demons or fire elementals, must be performed off the ship.

3089. The crew does not, will not, and has not ever spontaneously burst into the "Cabin Fever" song from "Muppet Treasure Island".

3090. The spell Color spray does not involve throwing handfuls of M&Ms.

3091. Or Skittles.

3092. Or Reese's Pieces.

3093. A Rod of Wonder is not a toy.

3094. And it's not that kind of toy, either.

3095. No matter what the catgirl says.

3096. A Bag of Tricks will not produce Tribbles.

3097. Thank the Gods...

3098. I am not allowed to juggle Horrid Rats.

3099. Or any other Horrid animal, for that matter.

3100. Corellary to 3098: Nor may you juggle goslings.

3101. After the "special" rod of the viper the artificer made to be given to Jaela, his crafting tools, components, and 
dedicated wrights are to be confiscated.

3102. I recently overheard the words "warforged", "rejection mode", and "hurl airships" in a discussion between two 
artificers. As a result, no one is to tell the warforged no, regardless of the circumstances.

3103. Not everyone on this ship is a mammal.

3104. The crew will not fight [color=red]ALL[/color] the time.

3105. The purpose of the crew is not to flip out and kill people.

3106. Smoke bombs are not standard issue for escape.

3107. Or nightsuits.

3108. Our ninja is not Snake Eyes...

3109. Or StormShadow...

3110. Or a Turtle.

3111. And he sure as hell isn't Naruto.

3112. The captain does not appreciate being drugged during mealtimes.

3113. Especialy if you somehow use sovereign glue to attach me by my boots to the bottom of the Forgotten Freedom again.

3114. Whoever did that last time, step forward now.

3115. Stop painting the warforged.

3116. I mean it.

3117. That's it, next time I see the warforged in any color besides its own, i'm keelhauling the whole crew in shifts.

3118. I've almost got the money for that stop in Riedra.

3119. Drinking contests will be put on hold indefinitely.

3120. The captain confiscated the Everfull Mugs.

3121. The mage is forbidden to write "Tira is a hottie" above Flamekeep.

3122. Even if she is kind of cute.

3123. There is no spoon.

3124. The ship's figurehead is to be tastefully clothed at all times.

3125. ESPECIALLY over Flamekeep.

3126. And it had damn well better NOT look like Jaela.

3127. The following spells are banned from use on the Forgotten Freedom in specific circumstances:

3128. Grease cast anywhere near the edge of the ship.

3129. Fireballs not aimed off the ship.

3130. Invisibilty cast within the crew's quarters or especially outside the crew's quarters with the intent to go inside 
(Even if the catgirl/changeling/paladin chick/other lets you).

3131. Prestigitation for any use other than cleaning.

3132. Mordenkainen's Disjunction. Period. 

3133. These are in addition to any other bans aforementioned.

3134. Use of time magic is exppressly forbidden, if I even suspect anyone of using time magic without leave I will keelhaul them retroactively. *in chalk* (translation: excuse for random keelhaulings)

3135. Anyone who messes with the list gets to clean Doog's quarters.

3136. THere is no Ctrl-Alt-Delete to reset the warforged.

3137. The next wizard or sorcerer who claims 'everything burns' gets tossed over the side.

3138. The person who ordered four hundred cases of adult diapers needs to step forward, now.

3139. I don't care that they can be used as sumo outfits.

3140. You are not to tell the warforged again that the diapers are armor.

3141. Or food.

3142. They would not make an effective bombardment weapon, no matter how high we fly the airship.

3143. They will not make good 'minature parachutes' if we have to bail out and Featherfall is not available.

3144. Etching "WIDE LOAD" on the back of the warforged is a bad idea.

3145. Despite her claims, a bikini is not 'standard issue armor' for the catgirl.

3146. Neither is it a Bikini of Distraction.

3147. Even if it does distract the bad guys.

3148. The crew does not need theme music.

3149. The captain, however, gets theme music at his discretion.

3150. No, you cannot pick the tune.

3151. Not even if you bribe the captain with the catgirl.

3152. Complete reading of the list is required before the adding of a new rule. 

3153. The Crew is forbidden from adding new rules to the list that are duplicates of older rules in order to inflate the list of things the crew cannot do to get to 3333.

3154. I don't care how drunk I was, the list ovewrites any command from the captain. 

3155. Violation of any of the above rules will result in the word 'stupid' eched into your forehead with Arcane Mask. 

3156. Smashing any Dragonshards on the ship, especialy Kyber shards, to free elementals will result as your soul being used to power the ship.

3157. This is not the Delphinus, so there is no Syberys Cannon to fire.

3158. The list shall not be read during class, or during work, becouse the amount of laughing will attract attention. 

3159. No rule on this list may override another rule already on the list.

3160. The Captain reserves the right to edit the list at any time.

3161. Smig is never to be put in the same room at the catgirl.

3162. Especially not if the reason for doing so contains any of the following words: kittens, heat, litter box, kennel.

3163. Blind Man's Bluff is not to be played on deck.

3164. The gnome redshirt is not to ever be involved in a scheme of the artificer's.

3165. Doubly so if Jaela is involved.

3166. No spellcaster is ever again to research variants of 'awaken' that can be used on animated objects. One silverware union strike was bad enough.

3167. Anyone caught playing with magnets and the warforged will walk the plank. Just think about that for a moment...

3168. The next person to write 'lol' after a rule on this list will be keelhauled. (lol)

3169. I will commission the Artificer to flame-proof this ship... when I can afford his outrageous fee.

3170. Or when he gets tired of sleeping on the keel.

3171. No, the reason you can't rub magnets over the warforged has nothing to do with messing up his hard drive.

3172. Doing that with magnets to the shifter girl is not permitted.

3173. And it's definitely not sane.

3174. Whoever told the gnome redshirt there are firearms in Eberron, step foward now.

3175. The Iron Kingdoms is not Eberron with Guns.

3176. Nor are the Warjacks in any way related to the 'forged.

3177. The Church of the Silver Flame does not worship Menoth.

3178. Even if they dress a little bit similar.

3179. And are both made up of zealeous crusading freaks.

3180. Karrnath and Khador are not that similar.

3181. Even if they are both cold and have a thing for red.

3182. Cygnar is not Breland.

3183. Telling the warforged that he has "focus" points and must expend them to do things that you assign to him is strictly forbidden.

3184. Inviting trolls over for tea is never, EVER to be done... again.

3185. The same goes for Ogres or any other creature with large size and a small brain.

3186. Cryx is not related to the Blood of Vol or the Emerald Claw.

3187. Vol's Warforged bodyguards are not "Helljacks".

3188. Vol does not run a blood bank.

3189. Wait... she's a lich? How does she have blood?

3190. Figurative language? What in the name of the Sovereigns are you babbling about?

3191. No, can't name your rodent familiar Errandis da Vole... unless you make a DC20.

3192. Scions of House Kundarak are NOT to whistle while they ward.  

3193. Talenta is not a nation, nor is it ruled by the King of Pop.  

3194. Barons of House Sivis may not also represent the Lollipop Guild.

3195. Marketing an "I <3 Sharn" shirt will not make you rich.

3196. I don't know the answer to this question:

3197. How much war can a warforged forge if a warforged could forge war?

3198. The Aereni may not collect candy by walking house to house.

3199. Joan Rivers is not an ascendant councilor.

3200. Joan Rivers cannot be invoked by the right to counsel feat.

3201. Even if she were to ask the Inspired "who are you wearing?"

3202. No, you can't spend all the party's money on an eternal wand of prestidigitation.

3203. Even if the shifter has poor hygiene.

3204. The Race of Eight Winds does not entail passing gas.  

3205. And doing so won't help you win.

3206. The warforged druid may not wildshape into Gizmoduck.

3207. Dick Clarke is not a Councilor, either.

3209. Neither is Wink Martindale.

3210. They are both undead.

3211. The bard is not allowed "to teach the world to sing".

3212. Hell, the bard can't even get the captain to carry a tune in a sack.

3213. And the bard is sure as hell NOT allowed to hold weekly square dances!

3214. And a successful intimidate roll by the bard does not result in polka music.

3215. The bard is not allowed to take perform ranks in the following weapons: grand piano, pipe organ, the bodies of the fallen, armpit farts, or the tuned chickens from "Muppet Show".

3216. The addition is weight is not due to the large number of invisible demons some of the crazier crew members are claiming. Dust of Appearance and True Seeing have revealed this is not the case. Honestly. Would I lie to you...?

3217. Nor is it because I, your captain, am getting fat, and any crew members who persist in claiming that will be considered excess ballast and thrown overboard.

3218. No this does not give you an excuse to test your theories on whether gnomes bounce.

3219. Having the bard sing "It's a small world after all" will result in a triple bypass keelhauling with emphasis on the "keel".

3220. The same goes for any other Disney show tunes.

3221. Pixie Rogues who are Alcoholic, Thoroughly Promiscuous and Chaotic Neutral are not to be allowed as character concepts (Sadly this is true, I played in a campaign with one, :twitch:).

3222. Despite the above character fitting in perfectly on this ship, it is still not allowed.

3223. In reference to 3221, the catgirl hates competition.

3224. The mage will refrain from casting Geas on the catgirl with the instructions 'Blow the man down'.

3225. Or at least he will stop doing it while the captain is giving a speech, or greeting what few important people we get on this bucket.

3226. I will stop calling the Forgotten Freedom a 'bucket'.

3227. Coarse grit sandpaper has now been added to the keel.

3228. Trust me on this one.

3229. To add to 3227 and 3228, we will be adding Khyber dragonshards with various etremely aggressive (and mean) bound elementals to the keel as well as soon as we can afford it.

3230. The warforged is not allowed to max out his speak language skill and mutter oh dear incessantly.

3231. Nor is he allowed a small animated object trash bin to beep and bloop along with his bantering.

3232. The shifter is never allowed anywhere near catnip, or its derivatives.

3233. Unless the captain indeed wishes to be "blown down".

3234. Or is just really lonely.

3235A And doesn't mind a little catgirl action on the "bucket".

3236. You will not hold the catgirl and stroke her when Dark Lantern Agent Bond arrives.

3237. We do not build elaborate death traps for Dark Lantern Agents, we just kill them.

3238. When describing my latest scheme for world domination, you do not make fun that it is called "Preparation H".

3239. Or point your fingers and wag them when I mention it involves a Giant Laser.

3240. All I want is some sharks with lasers on their heads damnit!

3241. When I have you on the plank, I don't expect you to talk. I expect you to die!

3242. The barbarian does not enter a rage by shouting "By the power of Greyskull, I am HE-Man!"

3243. Nor are any of the undead you may meet to be called Skeletor.

3244. And anyone who resembles Orko in any way, shape, or form will be keelhauled until the resemblance is gone.

3245. Except Black Mage.

3246. It's fireball, not Hadoken.

3247. The movements for this spell are not | \ - P

3248. You cannot have Swordchucks.

3249. Why? Because, stupid, you could... :lightbulb: 

3250. You can have swordchucks now! :schemes: 

3251. You can't shoot the captain with a hammer.

3252. Warforged cannot use a bellyflop as their main attack.

3253. Except on halflings.

3254. All crew members must carry bags of flour and towels so that they can be ready for anything.

3255. You cannot play Beavis or Butt-Head.

3256. I do not have TP.

3257. Or nachos.

3258. Don't ask the warforged about his "bunghole".

3259. Anything that gives the Quori nightmares stays off this boat.

3260. Aside from Warforged, Elves, Thri-Kreen, and the Kalashtar.

3261. The catgirl is not to "groom" herself in front of the crew.

3262. Unless there's a cover charge.

3263. And the captain gets half.

3264. There will be no breaking down of doors that do not need to be broken, do you know how much doors cost to replace?

3265. I don't care if Doog hid something behind it.

3266. The Shifters are not to howl at the moons.

3267. No one else is to howl at the moons either.

3268. The [[Forgotten_Freedom:Suggestion_Box|suggestion box]] shall be burned and anyone who mentions it again will be keelhauled.

3269. Until after next payday.

3270. Do not tease the deckhand, just in case he's right about being a Rajah.

3271. Finding and releasing an actual Rajah for a 'family reunion' falls under this catergory.

3272. Do not tease the nice little dwarf lady. It's mean.

3273. I'm looking at you, Jam. Do not tell her about yourself again unless you want more soup burns.

3274. All available crew members are to subtly help her in another direction when the uncarnate psion or other, similiarly unnerving crew members are coming.

3275. Thank her when she gives you a sweater. Even if it's July and the sweater is sized for a dwarf and you happen to be rather larger.

3276. From now on, our official dress uniform is our new sweaters she gave us.

3277. Even the warforged. He will wear it as a bandana, since that's the only way it will fit.

3278. Yes, even the catgirl. Those who complain about it will be refered to the fact that she's wearing a tight sweater that's too small for her. There will be no further complaints, I trust?

3279. You can't play as a bard named J'Mai Hendrizzt.

3280. And you can't have max ranks in Perform: Electric Lute.

3281. The artificer can't make you a "Stratocaster". 

3282. The warforged isn't an amp.

3283. You can't use Ghost Sound to make the wind cry Mary.

3284. Nor can you go to Electric Lady Land.

3285. I don't know where Joe is going with that hand crossbow.

3286. But I heard he shot his old lady down.

3287. The reason for all this is: If Jimi Hendrix was a pirate, the space/time continuum would explode due to the awesomeness.

3288. Doubly so if he was a ninja too.

3289. Yes, our theme song can be "Freedom", are you happy?

3290. It CANNOT be Peanut Butter Jelly Time.

3291. The artificer is not allowed to make dancing banana constructs.

3292. In addition to rules 3127-3133 inclusive (banning various spells), no casting of Holy Word. That'd take out like, half the crew, seriously. And the fire elemental... and probably snap the ship in half too.

3293. I *may* put money into the 'Buy a pole for the catgirl's room fund' box. Later. When no one's looking.

3294. Though I will not allow the Artificer to enchant it with anything. Coz someone important might see it. 

3295. DEFINITELY not, since the Artificer might put something on it to lure in Jaela.

3296. We are not going to replace the fire elemental with a Living Holocaust (Fiend Folio). It was hard enough getting it back on the ring last time.

3297. Or a living Fireball.

3298. No unsupervised summoning.

3299. No wish spells, without approval.

3300. No miracles or reality revisions either.

3301. No, I will not remind you why not, you just like hearing it.

3302. No, you may not make a 'stonehenge' outside Flamekeep.

3303. And it sure as hell can't spell out the words "Marry Me, Jaela".

3304. The necromancer takes offense to the label 'creepy necro chick'.

3305. When she isn't around, it's fair game, though.

3306. The Forgotten Freedon does not have an affirmative action policy. Thus, we are not required to have a minimum amount of fiends, centaurs, giants, chromatic dragons, otherwordly horrors, or awakened animals. The fact that we sometimes do seem to have these on board is purely coincidental.

3307. The following spells are also hereby banned from onboard casting: stinking cloud, cloudkill, dispel magic, anything that includes the words 'acid' or 'fire', and antipathy.

3308. No one, ever again, is to cast an anti-life shell in the privies.

3309. I don't care if you are a shipdwelling monkey monk. you may not throw your poo.

3310. Even if it is adamantine poo.

3311. You are forbidden from telling the captian how you got metal poo.

3312. You cannot have any d20 modern gear.

3313. Aftershave is not to be applied with a putty knife.

3314. Clerics that are dragged to a tavern for a night of celebratory quaffing should be returned to their devotions within 4 to 6 working days (or within two High Holy Days, whichever comes first).

3315 Dark Gods require virgin sacrifices, incantations do not require virgin spell components. It is wrong to ask the mage how he knows his frog’s eyes come from a virgin frog.

3316. King Kaius is not Mr. Burns.

3317. King Boranal is not Homer.

3318. Neither Patty or Selma is Queen Aurala.

3319. Jaela is not Lisa.

3320. Itchy and Scratchy are not our role models.

3321. Stupid may be related to Ralph.

3322. Doog is definitely Nelson.

3323. Ketler is Sideshow Bob.

3324. The resemblance is between Marish and Snowball II is only cosmetic(s).

3325. I will admit some resemblance between Pholly and Smithers.

(penciled in below) 3326. The cap'n is definitely Ned Flanders.

3327. The Mourning originated in the city of Making, not Springfield.

3328. It was not caused by a "nuclear meltdown" (the resemblance is striking though, isn't it?).

3329. There is no such thing as a nuclear power plant.

3330. Homer/Boranal did not cause the meltdown.

3331. We already covered that Boranal is not Homer.

3332. :censored: it Kelter there is no such thing as "the Simpsons", there is no such thing as "television", and I will not let you test your ideas for a "nuclear power plant" on the ship.

3333. Let the brainwashing begin. Riedra Ho!

3334. Goddammit, we missed one. Where is that ghost?

3335. All crew members are required to reread the list.

3336. When I say get off the ship it means use the ladders, you numbskulls. Oh yeah, that's right... brainwashing. 

3337. Use the ******* ladders.

3338. GAAAAAAAAHHH! Even brainwashed you bozos are useless. You would think you'd at least have the brains of zombies.

3339. All new crew members are to leave veteran crew alone. I finally got them all doing something useful. 

3340. Leave the mindless drones alone, they might wake up.

3341. Oooohhh shiiiiiit.

3342. Whatever the justification, you are not to hit the captain.

3343. Look, see, I'm wearing glasses.

3344. You wouldn't hit a man with glasses, would you?

3345. (penciled in, shakily) "No, I'd use a greatclub," is no longer an acceptable answer to the previous rule.

3346. When you see a gelatinous cube, you do not make any references to 'You can't hurt the Blob'.  What is this 'X-Men' you speak of?

3347. The artificer is not to make a set of ruby glasses that allow him to shoot lasers out of his eyes.

3348. Nor does the Warforged act Russian.

3349. And neither Shifter is 'the best at what they do' (though it's arguable in the catgirl's case), nor do they have adamantium bones.

3350. Female Drow druids are not Ororo.

3351. Psions are not to be paralyzed from the waist down and have their head shaved on your first meeting.

3352. Second and on is possible-- depends on how helpful they're being.

3353. The monk is not Mr. Fantastic.

3354. The monk does not start combat by shouting "Go-Go Gadget Arms!"

3355. Nor does he shout "Gum-Gum Pistol!"

3356. He is not Plastic Man.

3357. Seriously, Ketler, where do you get these things?

3358. Best not to hassle the artifacer about 'fondling his wand'.

3359. Just because the captain keeps muttering 'we are so screwed' doesn't mean it's true.

3360. Okay, maybe it's true, but try not to spread the rumor.

3361. I am not allowed to use Unholy or Chaotic Water balloons to make bombing runs on Flamekeep.

3362. Daelkyr are not to be invited on board.

3363. Even if a Daelkyr makes more sense then the artificer.

3364. Or it promises to evolve Jaela.

3365. Or it promises to put a wind-up key in the warforged's back.

3366. No, Sladdi do not wear codpieces.

3367. And no. You cannot stick explosives in it, regardless of the hide/pickpocket/sleight of hand checks.

3368. Gelatinous cubes are NOT edible.

3362. The Kalashtar Uncarnate is not Invisible Girl.

3363. The Kalashtar Soulknife is not the Flaming Torch.

3364. The warforged is not The Thing.

3365. Do not tell him that he is. Holes in the deck are expensive to repair.

3366. I am not Doctor Doom. What are you guys on? On second thought, I don't want to know...

3367. Doog isn't Lockjaw.

3368. The Warforged isn't the Hulk.

3369. All proceeds of the sales of the Catgirl's personal effects to perverts are now to go to the "Repair and Refurbish Fund". This has absolutley nothing to do with the Soulknife's last tantrum.

3370. The Forgotten Freedom isn't the Fantasti-car. Where d'you get these ideas?

3371. All crew who answered that are officially keelhauled. Permanently.

3372. The blackguard is not Superman.

3373. Do not tell him this unless he is sober.

3374. On second thought... go ahead! I want to see him fly! :devil:

3375. The callous drowboy will not steal the Soulknife's toys. We can't afford another prow. Or a Gangplank. Or a wheel of 
wind and water. 

3376. Look, do you like little old dwarven ladies to get hurt?

3377. No more taunting Vol about her wrinkles. It's not her fault and she's got quite a bite.

3378. No, I will not explain how I know.

3379. All rumors involving Vol, myself, and what happened in the Crimson Monastery's alcove are not true.

3380. This also includes whatever affair I apparently had with Vol in Fort Bones as well.

3381. (in chalk) We have pictures from that time in the Mournlands.

3382. You drew those!

3383. Any and all crewmembers cannot make up any more stories involving me, Vol, and any location. End of discussion.
(penciled in and covered with eraser marks)

3384. What about that time in Flamekeep? With Vol and Jaela? I've seen the pictures...

3385. Ketler, You're really perverted, and I hate to pop your bubble, but... END. OF. DISCUSSION. 

3386. #3383 is to be extended to include Jaela, the paladin chick, the old dwarf lady, the Lord of Blades, the enlightened Havakhad, Justice (honestly, who made that up?), Tira Mirron, and the Changling warshaper (erg...). 

(In finger paints)3387. EvEN iF WE caN Proo0ooVe it?

3388. Especially if you can prove it.

3389. THe Artificer is forbidden from making anything from the following link: 
[http://boards1.wizards.com/showthread.php?t=246010]

3390. He is especially banned from making things that even he doesn't know what they do.

3391. I will commision him to make a +1 backscratcher. 

3392. None of the crew will make any suggestions that I got fleas from the catgirl.

3393. Especially now.

3394. No, we are not a rogue military crew sent by the Throneholders to fight the Separatist colonies.

3395. Who are not named Zeon...

3396. Or the White Fang...

3397. Or ZAFT.

3398. No, you cannot have a Gundam.

3399. Or a giant warforged you can crawl into to fight with massively affective attachments as its soaked in adamantine.

3400. Even if the Warforged is up to being modified.

3401. No, Jaela does not have a brother whose our mortal enemy that wears a mask.

3402. No, her brother would not be the leader of the group to especially hunt us down either.

3403. Nor does he have a crew of less-talented warforged titan pilots.

3404. No, you were not raised by a weird scientist to be the ultimate killing machine and that's why you have no feelings.

3405. No, Jaela will not find that hot.

3406. Correction: I've just recieved a letter from Jaela and apparently she writes lots of Gundam yaoi.

3407. It's better if you don't know what yaoi means...

3408. Why? Because it won't help you get her. Believe me.

3409. No you can't have a Gundam.

3410. No, our enemies are not really misunderstood like we are.

3411. No, we cannot "Just give peace a chance".

3412. No, there's no special country that's pacifistic that we can seek refuge while hiding from the Throneholders.

3413. The Artificer will recieve 20 of the best from the lash for building a Haro.

3414. No, we cannot build a Space Station colony....

3415. ESPECIALLY TO JUST DROP IT ON KHORVAIRE.

3416. I am not allowed to refer to myself as a "New Type".

3417. I am not allowed to wear a priest's uniform...

3418. And refer to myself as "The God of Death."

3419. ...even if I am a Priest of the Keeper.

3420. I am not allowed to be a Coordinator.

3421. ...Or the "Next Stage in Human Evolution".

3422. We will not build a Solar Canon to fire at the planet.

3423. Jaela is NOT a lost princess of said pacifist country. Nor can we score points if we prove it.

3424. It is wrong to create 14-year-old Warforged Titan pilots.

3425. Though in two years that will be less creepy for Jaela like.

3426. "SIEG ZEON!" is not an appropriate response for any statement I make.

3427. No, you still can't have a Gundam...

3428. Or build one.

3429. Have your scientist father have constructed it...

3430. Stole it from the military...

3431. Or cast "Enlarge" on the warforged enough times...

3432. Even if he REALLY wants to be a Gundam.

3433. The Twelve aren't the Rommerfellar Foundation...

3434. Even if they are a bunch of really weirdly-dressed noblemen whom want to start wars to take over the world.

3435. ...okay, that DOES sound a bit suspicious now that you mention it.

3436. No YOU can't wear the Mask to be the crazy Pilot.

3437. ...except for you, V, because we know about the burn thing. 

3438. No, the Day of Mourning wasn't caused by a Colony Drop.

3439. Chaz was not a Cyrean Avenger! Nor was Millardo Peacecraft! They're the same guy for Flame's sake!

3440. No, we can't get lost in the desert for dubious reasons to justify a bunch of character develops. We're a frickin AIRSHIP.

3441. I don't care if you're a pilot and you like 12-year-olds, you're still on Chaz.

3442. You are not allowed to put squids on your heads so others will believe we are Illithids, the smell is not worth it.

3443. No one, ever, is to invent a spell called the Dragon Slave.

3444. Nor the Ragna Blade.

3445. And for pity's sake, stay away from the Giga Slave.

3446. Because it might destroy the universe, that's why.

3447. No, that does not count as a mitigating factor to lower the spell level.

3448. Just because I am a swordsman, does not mean I am dumb as a box of rocks.

3449. The warforged is not Zelgadis.

3450. Anyone who summons any being that could be termed the Lord of Nightmares to their physical body will be keelhauled until this is no longer the case.

3451. Just because we tend to leave a path of tremendous destruction behind us everywhere we go does not count as copyright infringement.

3452. Nor does running from any mess we cause.

3453. Nor does having a mildly insane and not altogether helpful girl as our healer.

3454. The warforged is not trying to hunt down and kill his grandfather/great-grandfather to restore himself to his human body. It is wrong to convince him of this.

3455. Just because I have a Brilliant Energy longsword does not mean it is the Sword of Light.

3456. Nor do I activate its power by yelling "Light, come forth!"

3457. It is not the only mortal weapon that can hurt the warforged.

3458. No, reading the fic does not grant an you an insight bonus to ac.

3459. Any character who buys a Faerun splatbook the next time we are in town will be keelhauled, vigorously.

3460. Same for anyone who comes up with a Valenar Elf named Virrtz Vo' Irden or anything remotely similar in concept.

3561. Mummies are not to be stared at.

3562. I don't care if the Necro chick made them 'easy on the eyes'.

3563. Pulling on a mummy's wrapping will not make him spin around like a top.

3564. Stop telling the redshirt this.

3565.  Okay, maybe tell him one more time.

3566. Re: 1576: We will not tell the monk about the human artificer 5/renegade mastermaker 10/reforged 3.

3567. Stop playing Haz'rack with Squishy.

3568. He's the one who's in charge of your paycheck.

3569. Also... I see you found out about the poison spitting.
(entirely too pleased)

3570.  Until further notice, the captains boots are NOT a spittoon.

3571.  The captain's sock and underwear drawer is NOT an ashtray.

3572.  Open-pit barbecues on the main deck are forbidden.

3573.  The redshirt is NOT to be used for target practice.

3574.  Five bucks says I can hit him from here...

3575. All right but, double the gold if I use the neogi.

3576. If we're going to use pigs to dispose of humanoid remains, we're going to use more than one. Seriously, the one pig we've got is so fat it's a dead giveaway.

3577. You cannot play a monk/warlock/enlightened fist and call yourself a Saiyan.

3578. You cannot play a warforged warlock, paint yourself red and gold, and call yourself Iron Man.

3579. Ah’ight ya wankers, for the last time, we are not painting the Forgotten Freedom “a nice shade of Periwinkle Blue”. I don’t care how much yer Mum would like it. 

3580. The next person who mentions it is getting fed to the pigs... after we pry them from the keel.

3581. No [[Forgotten_Freedom:Wish_List|wish]] spells. EVER.

3582. I'm not going to punish whomever used the Apocalypse Stone from selfsame module... I just want to know who destroyed Xen'drick.

3583: The Aereneal cleric is not a Christmas elf.

3584: Neither is the other Aereneal.

3585: OR the Valenar warrior.

3586: And the half-elf isn't one either. DEAL WITH IT.

3587: The shifter is a cat, not a reindeer, and the sorcerer is forbidden from trying to get her to dress up as one.

3588. Goddammit, we are not putting big red and green moonkspeaker glyphs all over the ship, the Aundairians hate us enough already.

3589. Stop tying squishy to the top of the tree.

3590. Why is there a tree... don't answer that.

3591. What's all this about presents?

3592. Stop tying Pholly to the top of the tree.

3593. The warforged is not a tree stand.

3594. You know the drill.

3595. I'm not an ornament.

3596. I'm not wearing that.

3597. I'm not this Santa person.

3598. At least when they called me Batman the costume was cool.

3599. No, that does not mean I'm Batman.

3600. I'm still not Santa.

----

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