Editing Riding The Range

WHO: Joshua and Nika
WHEN: Two weeks on the ground

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Lucifer's Landing, Angel
Two weeks after landing

'''****'''

Sitting on the back of the roan mare, Nika looks more at home and more 
relaxed than Joshua may have ever seen her. A pair of sturdy tan pants 
topped by a black tanktop, her blond hair pulled up not into a braid but 
a ponytail, she even has a bit of a tan. Two weeks in Christian's care 
seem to have allowed for far more than a metaphorical letting down of 
her hair -- the customary pinned up braid has been nowhere in evidence 
for the past few days except when she's actually working outside and it 
needs to be confined, and even then it still hangs loose about her hips 
instead of being up out of sight.

As they ride along the pasture, the pilot is still quiet -- though her 
guard has relaxed visibly, she still isn't much of one for chatter. 
She's spent the past week teaching him to fly Christian's shuttle and 
also how to ride horses and properly shoot both a pistol and a rifle. 
When he balks, she gives him The Look and merely says, "When we next run 
into Reavers, you'll be glad I'm being such a bitch about making you 
learn it. Now shoot." Each of these passtimes is, in its own way, a 
place where she is in her element, it seems.

Joshua felt comfortable riding alongside Nika - while it had been a long 
while since the riding he had done for a Blue Sun job, it had seemed to 
stick with him. And one of the subtle, generally overlooked Reader 
abilities was his ability to get a general feel for animals. They didn't 
shield themselves like humans and while he was obviously never going to 
get advanced thought processes from his horse, he certainly could always 
get a rough sense of how she was feeling. He was less thrilled about 
the forced shooting lessons. He listened and paid attention - there was 
no point in throwing up a fuss. Secretly, he mentally confirmed his plan 
to find a way to make himself combat useful without a gun. He hadn't 
changed from his original perspective: Learning how to use a gun just 
encourages you to find a way to use it. Not that he would tell that to 
Nika. As they pulled up for a momentary stop, Joshua looked over at 
Nika, who was clearly more relaxed than she had been in weeks. She had 
needed this, even if she hadn't wanted to admit it. "You're looking 
good, Nika. Regular riding obviously suits you."

A rueful smile twisted the corners of her lips upward. "I reckon," Nika 
drawled mildly. Turning her mount slightly with a light touch of reins 
and heels, she pointed east. "There's a creek about a klik that way. We 
can water the horses before we head back." She set them in motion again, 
not at the canter they were using previously but at a more sedate walk. 
Her body rolls with the movements naturally, and her blue eyes scan the 
landscape often.

"You ever goin' to tell me what's on your mind, Joshua? Or you just 
goin' to stew over it and chew on it til you explode?" It hadn't escaped 
Nika's notice that he tended to watch her thoughtfully when he didn't 
think she could see him. The Border drawl had begun flavoring her words 
a lot lately, not in the way that would make Rina say 'Run! Danger!' but 
in a way that bespeaks a kind of contentment.

Joshua laughed, a healthy laugh straight from the heart. "This crew 
doesn't beat around the bush, that's for sure." He raised one side of 
his mouth in a bit of a smirk. "If I'm keeping to myself, it's only 
because I'm following your example." He couldn't resist the chance to 
take a little poke at Nika. 

"Ffft," Nika retorted mildly. "Keep it to yourself, then." Her tone 
didn't indicate any disgruntlement. She was simply offering him the 
opportunity to tell her whatever it was that he was mulling. She doesn't 
seem to inclined to divulge her thoughts, and for about half of the 
distance to the creek she remains quiet. When she finally does speak, 
her words may or may not be a surprise. "We're all handling what 
happened in our own ways. I don't reckon that pissin' and moanin' about 
it is goin' to change anything, and I keep to myself because I don't 
need my feelin's bleedin' over and causin' you problems." What with his 
medication issues.

He looked over at her and tilted his head in surprise. "Is *that* why 
you don't want to talk to me? Because you're afraid you'll cause me 
problems? I'd rather you let me be your friend and listen. I can worry 
for myself about my own mental health. I'm getting better at keeping the 
door shut even going light on the drugs." He was just thankful Christian 
had been thoughtful enough to stock up on Flomoxipan. Getting out to get 
some these days could've been difficult.

Nika looked surprised, pulling her mount to a stop. "Not talk to you?" 
She mulled over that thought and said, "Joshua... I don't much talk to 
anyone. It's not as if I'm singling you out to not talk to. I just 
haven't had much to say lately. Why would you think I don't want to talk 
to you?" She didn't look like she was going to move her horse until she 
had an answer to that.

"I don't know." The tone of Joshua's voice had the faint hint of 
surprise, like he was just now realizing he wasn't sure why he had said 
it. Why had he said it? He scanned through his memory, looking for some 
clue, but not coming up with anything tangible. "I honestly am not sure 
why I thought that. Maybe it was just reading too much into the way you 
act around me. I know I freaked you out back on the Decatur and I think 
that knowledge paints how I view your interactions with me, even if it 
is subconscious. You don't share much and I read that as you being 
nervous around me instead of that just being who you are." And as was 
his habit lately when he was nervous, he ran his hand over the back of 
his head while looking down. "I'm sorry. There were just lots of 
reminders before we hit ground of how freakish I am and it does 
influence how I expect other people to look at me. But I shouldn't. Sorry."

Her brows pull together faintly. "You didn't freak me out, as you put 
it," Nika responded. "It simply made me conscientious of ... how much of 
what happens to other people could be a problem for you. And I'm still 
finding my space legs with regard to how to handle myself." She kicked 
her horse into motion, quiet for a short distance. "When you call me 
'captain,' I feel self-conscious. As if I need to re-examine everything 
that I've just said because of the deferral. When Rick said it, he 
was.... sarcastic most of the time. Both circumstances feel awkward and 
uncomfortable. I'm learning to fake it, but I don't think I'm nearly 
good enough at it yet."

"But everyone can't keep their emotions bottled up all the time because 
it might be a problem for me. You just can't." It felt rude to think 
that people were being too thoughtful, but weren't they? All he wanted 
was the crew to live their life and to treat him like a normal person. 
But maybe it was silly. He was never going to be a normal person. He 
pulled up alongside her. "I call you captain because you deserve it, 
Nika. I'd rather you didn't suppress how you feel because I'm around or 
change what you say because of what I call you."

It took until they reached the creek for Nika to be able to formulate a 
response to him.

"You say that as if my normal mode of existance is to wear my heart on 
my sleeve and as if no one changes their mind about something because of 
someone else's perspective. Both of which are erroneous," she said as 
she dismounted, leading her horse to the water to let her get a drink. 
"You are the first person to ever call me 'captain'. It feels odd to be 
in the position, and to have someone use the title seems... pretentious 
to me. Uncomfortable. Like wearing someone else's shoes. It did not help 
that Rick took on that particular tweak of yours, and I assure you that 
he did not mean it in the same way that you do. It was his way of .... 
kicking me in the ass."

Nika paused and smiled faintly while the horse drank. "And I don't make 
a habit of explaining my feelings or sharing my thoughts with pretty 
much anyone, Joshua. I make the exception for you and Arden because you 
are both ... searching for a frame of reference, and the more 
information you have about why I think or react the way I do, the better 
you're able to determine your own perspectives."

"Gorram, Nika, I don't want you to share your feelings with me out of 
some need to make sure I have some sort of proper frame of reference." 
Whatever the hell that meant. "The only reason I want you to share with 
me is because I think it would help you to have someone to talk to. 
Because I care about you and I'm your friend, I hope. Being Captain 
doesn't have to be a completely lonely state of being." Joshua shook his 
head almost imperceptibly. How the hell had he managed to turn a nice 
peaceful ride into an argument about sharing feelings, of all things? 
Suddenly, he understood that frame of reference comment. He wished he 
had some sort of idea whether this sort of thing was normal. ***

There was a sigh. She'd said it wrong again. Nika looked frustrated. 
"That's not what I said. Or at least... not what I ''meant''," she 
replied. "I don't ''like'' to talk about myself. I don't ''like'' 
feeling like I'm whining, and when I want to talk things out, ''of 
course'' I turn to my friends. But as an example, Joshua..." She paused, 
clearly struggling once more for the right words to make him understand.

"To say to you that my heart hurts over what happened to Rick doesn't 
begin to cover it. But going into details about my regret and my 
feelings of responsibility doesn't ''get'' me anything except either you 
all reassuring me that it wasn't my fault and that Rick chose the 
sacrifice or commiseration because we all feel like crap that it 
happened the way it did. Neither of which, to be quite brutal about it, 
I really want to hear anymore. But you're my friend, and you want to 
listen and you want to feel like we're close.... and I feel like crap 
saying to you 'leave me the hell alone to just feel what I'm feeling and 
be done with it' because I know that makes you feel like I don't want 
you around. Does it make any better sense now?"

''Hallelujah and praise be!'' Joshua gave a little internal jump of joy. 
She was actually *talking* to him. "Thank god you finally decided to say 
something that approximated what you really feel. It won't hurt my 
feelings to say 'leave me the hell alone' because at least then I know 
you're treating me like an equal instead of a child you need to protect."

He smiled at Nika as he guided his horse next to hers, giving his horse 
the water she had been wanting the last couple of minutes while he had 
been distracted. "I think you'd be surprised what being willing to go 
into details about how you feel might help you. And if you want to talk 
about it, I'm not going to sugarcoat things. That's not what I'm 
offering. But even if you '''don't''' want to talk about that, I'm trying to 
get you to understand that it is '''okay''' to rant sometimes and it is 
'''okay''' to whine sometimes and I'm offering to be that person who just 
gives you an ear for it without commentary or judgment. You think Shyla 
doesn't have someone that she can talk to?"

He mulled over what she had said again and put the last piece in place. 
"I'm not trying to do this because I 'want to feel like we're close', 
Nika. I'm doing it because I think you need it. And I *know* I'm pushing 
you out of your comfort zone to do something you don't like doing. But I 
think being Captain is going to break you down in the long run unless 
you adapt. It doesn't have to be me and you don't have to come running 
to share with every single thing you feel, for pete's sake. But you've 
put a lot of extra pressure on yourself. You're stronger than anyone 
I've known, Nika, but that doesn't mean you have to do this job alone."

Nika smirked faintly. "Pretty sure she unloads on Harry all the time," 
she commented dryly. "I just..." She paused. Perhaps she was too much 
like her mentor in some ways. Because that's what Christian was to Nika 
-- the person she whined to. Looking down at the creek, she faced the 
fact that part of her resented Joshua for trying to take that place even 
as she was forced to acknowledge that they were the ones who put him in 
that position. "I'm not trying to do it all alone," she said finally. "I 
just don't know how to whine about all this without being able to do 
anything to fix it." She's a little like a guy in that regard.

"Well, the point is that you whine first, get it out, and then get down 
to the business of fixing it, if possible." He ran a hand through his 
hair aimlessly and scratched the back of his head in thought. How to 
phrase this? "You probably think I'm trying to be Christian," he said, 
eerily mimicking Nika's thoughts without realizing it. "And there's some 
truth to it. I need to do his job. What he did for the ship is needed. 
But I don't want to be him. I''m finding my own way. But regardless, I 
think you need someone. If you don't want it to be me, make it Arden. 
Make it Rina. Just make it someone." 

And he quickly segued the conversation in another direction, thinking 
that he had probably pushed her about as far as he was going to on that 
subject. "Speaking of my job, what do you have planned for me? You've 
got something in mind with the piloting and the gun training." The 
training was what made Joshua think of becoming a Christian replacement. 
He remembered being on Angel last time and having Christian tell him 
stories about Nika training Christian in gun usage.

There was a faint smile as he echoed her thoughts. And he wondered why 
she tended to be concerned. Nika pursed her lips and looked toward the 
horizon as they stood at the edge of the creek. Like Boros in some ways 
-- wide open with a sky that went on forever -- she could find peace 
here in ways the Core never offered. "No," she finally answered. "Not 
something in particular. I just have a notion that you're goin' to need 
to be able to defend yourself. And maybe defend some of us." Her tone 
was quiet as she spoke, her blue eyes holding a faraway look. "In case 
you haven't noticed, it's a war out there. And whether you like it or 
not, we're part of it. I ain't sure we're done bein' a part of it yet."

"I don't know, Nika. I just watch Arden and well..." Joshua trailed off 
and looked away from Nika's eyes, thinking about how Arden's attitude 
towards violence and killing seemed to have grown more casual. He loved 
Arden like a brother, but if the doctor in the group had little 
objection to killing people, what would happen when Joshua started 
picking up a gun regularly? He knew it wasn't rational, but he felt like 
he was drawing some sort of line in the sand. If he honestly thought 
about it, he wasn't sure exactly why it felt so important not to kill 
anything. If he were to examine his file from Blue Sun, knowing now that 
they wiped clean many memories, he would probably find out he had killed 
in the past. But somehow, he felt like he was defending some part of 
himself by refusing to use a gun. Damn, if he wasn't an illogical bastard.

"Yeah," Nika replied quietly. Sadly. The changes in the man who'd spent 
a good chunk of time in her bunk bother her. Pretty immensely. "I 
understand why you don't want to do it. And I think Christian's the 
person to talk to about your thoughts on that matter -- I've not been 
without a gun at my side since the war, Joshua. It's a way of life for 
me. And maybe there's something to the adage that when all you have is a 
hammer, every problem starts to look like a nail. I don't think we come 
at every problem prepared to shoot before anything else, but... we do 
tend to be ready to shoot last."

She paused a moment, not looking at him. "And while I respect the 
decision not to want to pick up a gun -- same as I respected Christian 
for not wanting to do it -- I also ain't aimin' to get dead just so you 
don't have to." Nika turned her blue eyes to him finally. "I need to 
know that if push comes to bein' shoved off the cliff, you'll fight 
back. Even if you hate it."

Joshua squared his jaw and looked her directly in the eyes. He wasn't 
going to back down from this - he had backed down enough in his life and 
let other people make his choices for him. Not anymore. 

"If you think I'm lacking in courage, then maybe you don't know me very 
well. I'll fight back when it comes to it. But I have to find my own 
way to do it. I won't be able to live with myself otherwise." He 
shrugged his shoulders uncertainly. "What is that way? I don't know yet. 
But hopefully I'll figure out in all this downtime we have planned." He 
paused, and a soft, sad smile crossed his face briefly. "And considering 
I'm not completely in control of my faculties, perhaps making sure I'm 
not well trained enough to kill is a good safety precaution. Killing 
can't be undone."

"Great," Nika snorted. "If you go and turn Shepherd on me, Joshua, I'll 
kick you in the head." She rolled her eyes and lead her mount out of the 
creek.

"I don't think you're lackin' in courage -- I've watched you face down a 
number of foes and words have worked. I just want you to have a backup 
in case words ain't enough," she told him as she swung gracefully back 
up into the saddle. "Might never happen. But if I don't make sure you 
have the skills and you get dead, that's on me. If I ''do'' make sure 
and you choose to let 'em kill your silly butt? That's on you." She 
smiled at him faintly. "C'mon, little pacifist."

"No, it's on me either way," he said seriously. "I take responsibility 
for my own choices." And that was probably why he was so against guns. 
He had so many crimes against his name done without a conscious choice 
left to be redeemed that he couldn't afford to add any more done with 
free will to the list. "So where to, fearless leader?" he asked, 
climbing back on his horse again.


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