Editing SPARCS:Kibbitzing001

Final word for this scene:  '''BlackSheep'''

So here we are in the warehouse in back of the mall, and there's ... y'know ... crates and stuff.  Somebody better replace this text with something worth reading.

And then Jessica says something, and Frost gets all freaky-violent, and there's this big SHARD robot.  What the heck happens with that?

We've got to have Frost held off from attaching Jessica, right?  And then that could be what Jessica is really fleeing from, more than the robot, who's probably programmed more to kick butt than to worry about the hostage.[[User:Azrianni|Azrianni]] 13:11, 29 November 2005 (PST)

''Actually, I think it'd work to cut straight to Livewire being blasted through a shop window, out onto the concourse.  Jessica 'flees' while Mystic Girl pulls the team back together.''

And then, do we want to have the fight spill over into the main concourse?  Do we want innocent lives on the line?

''Definitely.  It's more fuel for Milka's rant.''

Here's a moment I know '''I''' want to see ....

A young man is fiddling with one of the video cameras on sale at the Mega-Buy electronics emporium.  A skate board leans against the young man's leg.  He is dressed in battered punk attire, and has several chains around one wrist.  The store manager eyes him unhappily.  We see the kid flipping through digital filters, making his hand look pixelated, then sepia toned, then mirrored.

Jessica runs, but not '''too''' fast, not fast enough to risk actually escaping.  The robot tromps after her.  She looks around desperately, and her eyes latch onto the camera in the boy's hands.  She collapses, screaming in terror as the robot treads toward her.

The boy swings the camera around.  We see Jessica through the camera's view ("Recording ... Recording ....")  The view swings jerkily, and we see SHARD bearing down on her.  The camera swings back to Jessica, as the robot's shadow covers her.

JESSICA:  Oh no!  Is there anyone who can possibly save me now?

''I was thinking something very similar.''

And then one of us has to, y'know, actually save her.  Because, yeah, she's a manipulative bitch but she's also a bystander.  The worst part is that her plan to manipulate us is clearly going to '''work'''.  There was never really any doubt.

And then SHARD gets beaten down (or perhaps just escapes).  But anyway, crisis averted.

''I was thinking:

''Livewire puts him down but not out in a way that leaves him in the wreckage of the electronics store.  He moves in to finish him off; Vigil grabs his arm and stops him.  Shard blows the place apart, bringing debris down and escaping into the sewers through the floor or something.  Livewire thinks that Vigil was trying to protect him from the explosion, not protect Shard from him.  Everyone gets out okay; Vigil's status in the team isn't compromised.''

: Plus '''guilt'''!  I like it.  Take my Fan Mail for the scene!  Livewire has to thank her for it, though ... because every time he refers to it, ever, in future it's another twist of the knife. [[User:TonyLB|TonyLB]] 12:02, 29 November 2005 (PST)

Then we definitely need the scene where Frost goes off on Jessica.  Do we want that in front of the camera?

''I think we do.  The homecoming queen getting chewed out on camera by a superhero?  It's the best of both worlds - Milka gets to publicly humiliate her '''and''' gets in trouble for it later.  It should probably be Amy who calms her down.  And then, while smiling sweetly for the cameras, very calmly threatens to break Jessica's jaw if she messes with the SPARCs again.

: Yeah, I think we should definitely have the machine go into the main mall. Even if the people in charge of this op don't want publicity, the bot's a villain at heart. And Milka going off on it would be a worthwhile thing to have happen. Now I have to figure out the next scene... -- [[User:James Holloway|James Holloway]] 10:13, 29 November 2005 (PST)

''Question: What have we established about Shard physically?  How are people picturing him?  I keep flicking between a spider and a hovering disc.  Possibly a disc with various fold-out appendages and weapons?''

: I think of SHARD as looking quite humanoid, although larger, with a distinct head and a not-quite face. Definitely eyes. -- [[User:James Holloway|James Holloway]] 10:13, 29 November 2005 (PST)
::Huh.  Not what I was thinking at all.  Could work, though.  Anyway, let's see if I can do the user-marking thing.[[User:BlackSheep|BlackSheep]]



Okay, here's a draft.  Pretty long, but there was a lot going on.  Kibbitz away.[[User:BlackSheep|BlackSheep]] 13:19, 29 November 2005 (PST)

Cut to the central avenue of the mall.  The crowd, mostly teens at this time of day, are walking in groups across the polished floors, window-shopping, or sitting on benches chatting.

Then a shopfront window explodes outwards, Livewire borne backwards through the glass on the wrong end of a high-pressure jet of water.  Shoppers scream and scatter as Shard advances onto the concourse towards him, the rest of the SPARCs making their way out through the debris.

MYSTIC GIRL: Vigil, Frost, you're on crowd control.  We need the civilans out of the way of that thing before we can start taking it down.  I'm going to get Livewire back on his feet.

Someone screams theatrically from off-screen.

MYSTIC GIRL: Oh, no...

Robot-eye-view as Shard looks from the fallen Livewire, past the remaining super teens and random passers-by, to where Jessica stands, vulnerable and alone.  As its camera zooms in on her, she turns and begins to run down the avenue - not fast enough to escape, but fast enough to be chased.

Disregarding the SPARCs, Shard moves after her.  Mystic Girl helps Livewire up.

MYSTIC GIRL: You okay?

LIVEWIRE: I'll be a lot better once I've taken a tin-opener to that thing.  Which way did it go?

MYSTIC GIRL: Don't be an idiot.  It's taken everything we've thrown at it without slowing down, and now it's not just our necks on the line.  This is out of our league.  I'm calling in SPARTA.

He shakes her off angrily.

LIVEWIRE: No!  We can handle this without them.

MYSTIC GIRL: This is no time for an ego trip.  You're going to get yourself killed.  Or someone else.

LIVEWIRE: Look, if you want to run for help then go ahead.  Right now, we're the ones on the scene and this is our responsibility.  Maybe we can stop it.  Maybe we can't.  I'm going to try.  Have a little faith in me.

Mystic Girl closes her eyes and takes a deep breath.

LIVEWIRE: And in yourself.

Cut to the display area of an electronics store.  A youth in pseudo-punk gear is fiddling with a handheld video camera.  A sales assistant is hovering nearby distrustfully.

Jessica rounds the corner, glances sideways, spots the camera and collapses into the B-movie damsel-in-distress pose, shrieking in terror as Shard's shadow looms over her.

JESSICA: Help!  Won't somebody please save me?

A blast of electricity hits the robot in the side.  Jessica suddenly looks furious.

JESSICA: ''You'' again?

LIVEWIRE: Sorry, princess, we're fresh out of white knights.  Looks like you're stuck with us.

Livewire continues to fling lightning at the robot.  It crackles away uselessly, but draws its attention.  As Shard turns towards Livewire again, a whirring sawblade sliding into view, Mystic Girl hauls a complaining homecoming queen out of the way.

LIVEWIRE: What's the matter, buckethead?  You want me to stop?  Come over here and make me.

Moving with surprising speed, Shard rushes him.  Livewire leaps aside, barely making it out of the way of the blade and bouncing painfully off the machine's armoured carapace.  But as he gets shakily back to his feet, he's grinning triumphantly.  He holds up something metallic and dripping.

LIVEWIRE: Boy, I hope this isn't anything important.

There's an internal explosion that sends Shard flying into a wall of television sets.  The robot sinks to the floor among the wrecked hardware, camera-lenses darting around as it tries to focus.  There's another red-tinted shot of Livewire.  Behind him, Frost and Vigil touch down.

FROST: Is it down?

LIVEWIRE: But not out.  I'm going to finish it off.

Vigil catches his arm.  Reflexively, he pulls away; she doesn't even budge.

VIGIL: Stay away from him.

LIVEWIRE: What are you-

He's drowned out by a series of explosions.  The roof of the store comes down, and Shard vanishes behind a cloud of dust and debris.  A synthesised voice echoes the words BE SEEING YOU through the commotion.  Then everything goes quiet again.  Mystic Girl carefully walks over to the rubble.

MYSTIC GIRL: I think it went through the floor.  Maybe the wall.  Either way, we'll never catch it now.

Vigil lets go of Livewire's arm.  He looks at a lump of concrete as big as his head, and then back to her.

LIVEWIRE: How did you know it was going to....never mind.  I owe you one.

VIGIL: I just...didn't want to see anyone get hurt.

LIVEWIRE: Well, you sure saved my hide.  Thank you.

There's a ''crack'' from off-screen, and a cry of pain.  The three of them spin around to see Jessica on her knees, one hand to the side of her face where there's a livid red handprint with an icy outline.  Frost stands over her, eyes blazing.

FROST: You.  Selfish.  Bitch.

JESSICA: I-

FROST: Shut up!  This is all your fault!  People could have been killed!  All because you wanted to be the centre of attention.  Because you wanted to be ''special''.

MYSTIC GIRL: Frost-

FROST: And because you don't give a damn about anyone but yourself.  You think that everyone else is just there to make your life better?  You think you can get whatever you want, just because you're pretty and popular and rich?  I should give you the beating you've had coming since birth, you spoiled little brat!

She raises her hand again.

MYSTIC GIRL: Frost!

Frost turns away, almost snarling.  Mystic Girl returns her gaze levelly.

MYSTIC GIRL: That's ''enough''.  Nobody got hurt.  Back away before you do something you'll regret.

A tear-streaked Jessica looks up from the floor and spots the kid with the camera, still recording the whole thing.  Frost lowers her hand and turns her back on the homecoming queen.

FROST: I'm done here.

Seen through the camcorder, Jessica buries her face in her hands.

Commercial break.

[[User:Miss Fermoy|Miss Fermoy]] 13:35, 29 November 2005 (PST) I like the detail about Jessica seeing the camera, so even though she is crest fallen, she still tries to make a play for her audiences sympathy. Might be an idea to add at the point where she calls her a spoilt little brat something like she raises her hand to strike her...then it makes the threat even more imposing, and the fact she stops at Mystic girls command surprising.

: She could activate her power ... ice forming on her hands, even on her skin. -- [[User:James Holloway|James Holloway]] 13:38, 29 November 2005 (PST)
@@ Line 157: / Line 157: @@
 : She could activate her power ... ice forming on her hands, even on her skin. -- [[User:James Holloway|James Holloway]] 13:38, 29 November 2005 (PST)
-: How about just showing the icy handprint on Jessica's cheek?  Understated but effective.  And Frost can also has a fistful of ice, to show that she can dish out a whole lot more than that if she wants.  [[User:DannyK|DannyK]] 13:58, 29 November 2005 (PST)
-By the way, I'm picturing Shard as pretty much humanoid, but big and bulky with lots of compartments for secret weapons to pop out of.  Hey, he's got to be able to ''dance'', right?  When Sarah can't take him to the Prom and they have their own secret villain party?  Also, I think Shard should say something, maybe FAREWELL or BE SEEING YOU in a gravelly robot voice, so it's not clear if he's saying goodbye to Sarah or taunting the team.  [[User:DannyK|DannyK]] 13:58, 29 November 2005 (PST)