Shadows Hills Polly Diary

May 1st, 2009

Finals are coming up. It's such a pain to have to act like a ditz! Why do I have to do that? Is it so bad for a cheerleader to be smart?

...well, I guess it is, after what happened early on in the year. Damn it.

I like people. I like it when people like me. Why do I have to act like a ditz to get people to like me? At least when I'm dealing with guys on dates, I know what they're after, and it kind of makes sense, aside from the double standard.

It's annoying!!!!!

May 15th, 2009

So somebody found out about me and Anne. Drama!!!! That bitch Carrie tried to blackmail me with it, but HA! my family doesn't care, and the school will come down on her if she tries.

Besides, everybody already knows, apparently.

May 17th, 2009

So the school decided that I needed to be put in touch with lots of organizations, and things. I don't mind, but there turned out to be problems.

For one thing, the people I got stuck talking to were all talking about how they had to hide how they didn't like being with guys. It's not like that for me!!! The important thing is the person, not whether they're a boy or a girl or whatever. Why is that so hard to understand?

But you say "Bisexual," and the straight guys and girls think that you mean "Easy Slut," and the gay girls think that you mean "Traitor," I swear! I mean, there are people out there who tell me that I don't exist! (I don't even want to talk about all the guys who think that that means that I'll want to have a threesome with them and their girlfriends.)

Plus the ones who think that I either have to have a new, butch makeover, or that I can't like girly girls, because I am one. Honestly, what are they thinking? Pretty, girly girls are just fine in my book. Or strong, butch ones, or whatever. Same for guys. It's the person inside that matters. Is that so hard to understand?

May 19th, 2009

...and now Allen is wondering if our breakup is why I got together with Anne. Honestly, I wanted to smack him, or tell him off, but I was nice. I explained it to him. Not sure if he believes me, though.

This whole situation is being ridiculous. I like cheerleading. I like pretty clothes, and pretty hair, and makeup, and dancing, and cute things.

And I like trivia. I like knowing things. I like studying, and getting good grades, and feeling like I understand stuff. I like biology class, even dissecting things. I'm good at math, and I like that, too.

I like guys. And I like girls.

Why does everybody have to divide everything into categories? Why can't I be a brainy cheerleader?

May 24th, 2009

... I swear, school cannot end quickly enough for me now! Anne wound up breaking up with me because of her parents, but the rest of the crew is treating me like an alien. Honestly, if I haven't tried groping them before now, why would that change? But they act like I have a disease.

It only gets worse with the guys. Oh, I'm more popular than ever... with guys who think that I'll be up for anything, right away.

I'm seriously considering transferring to another school, just to get a chance to start over.

July 2nd, 2009

The day that the Declaration of Independence was actually signed, not that anybody remembers.

We leave on our family vacation tomorrow, and I am so glad... I really need this.

July 5th, 2009

Wow.

I don't know if I should write this down. I don't know how to explain it.

Well, that's not quite true.

I'm Pscipolnitsa, and my mind is a whirl of memories.

I'm the midday sun, and I shine brightly, and I exist to punish the foolish and unwise.

It happened at a rest stop, while we were driving to Uncle Mick's place. One minute, life as usual, the next... mind spins, I fall down.

The memories are all jumbled. I mean, I know a lot more than I did before, about what I am. (I also know two more languages than I used to, which is spiffy keen!) But they aren't complete, and there's so many of them that they all just blend together.

That's because there's easily ten thousand years of them. Maybe more. And they're all tied together with Pscipolnitsa. Frau Mittentag. Lady Midday.

Me!

...it's not just memories. My family hasn't noticed yet. It's not just memories at all.

I'm scared of it, because it's so natural and easy.

I made three people collapse today. They were running along the road, in this crazy heat, and then one after the other, fall! Fall! Fall!

My eyes are gold now. Why hasn't anybody noticed yet? That's usually what happens. Or they notice what happens to my clothes, and then I'm cast out, and live in the fields, or I run away, and live in the fields, or I'm caught and I'm burned and it takes me oh so long to die but I'm laughing because I can't die even as I die I know that once it's done, I'll be born again because the noonday sun is forever and ever and ever and

Okay, keep it together, Polly.

Keep it together.

I can get through this.

July 9th, 2009

I started a riot today. Well, not a riot, but there was a shouting match at a little league game, among the parents, and I thought that they were so stupid to be making such a fuss over a kid's game, all sweating and screaming under the hot sun, and then... I happened. Madness! Glorious madness poured through me and over them, and they screamed and shouted and babbled and punched and kicked and

I can't let that happen again.

My clothes have started sunbleaching. Because I wear them. I think that must be why Lady Midday always wears white-- it doesn't start off that way, but it happens.

How does no one know what I am yet?

My feet don't touch the ground anymore. I can run very fast, because of that. I guess people don't notice that-- it's subtle-- but I can tell.

I'm walking on air. And I already know that I could just run up the air all the way to the sky, and dance madly among the clouds, which are cold and misty and damp.

I'd do it to cool my head, but I don't think that giving in to this is the way to stay me.

I have a scythe. You can't see it now, but it's there if I want it, and it's sharp and strong enough to cut through anything. Especially arms or legs or nec

No, I can't do that.

I need to keep it together.

July 15th

Ten people hospitalized today. I try suppressing it and it's hard god it's hard why do I keep doing this I try and try and I can't stop it and sooner or later I'm going to kill someone and I keep buying new clothes and they keep starting to turn white and why do I have to be this?

July 29th

I've tried going out at night more. It's not easy-- I'm a morning person!-- but if I stay away from people, I'm not tempted to hurt them.

Which really sucks, but it's hard to keep control. I get so sleepy...

I've known that there are other kinds of monsters out there, intellectually, but I didn't expect to meet a vampire. He tried picking me up, too. Well... I kinda did hang out with him.

Then he tried jumping me. He was really strong, so I couldn't break free once he grabbed me, and then he bit me... and then he screamed, because I remembered what to do about vampires.

I am the sun. And I glowed like daylight, and he didn't like that at all. God, he was stupid. It felt so... satisfying when I cut his head off with the scythe. Is that murder? He was trying to kill me, even after I brought the daylight out at night, when he should have just run away, or at least stopped.

July 30th

Easier to keep control today. Is this because I cut somebody's head off? I'm horribly afraid that it is.

August 4th

Fighting it hasn't worked, and I think that it won't, and that's just because it's me.

It reminds me of the stories that I heard from people who can't accept that they're gay, actually-- the fight to control urges that are perfectly natural to you.

I think that I just have to... accept this. I can pick what that means, if I accept it.

So, I'm wearing white. And do you know what? It helps. A lot.

Sometimes, I give people just a little touch of sunstroke. It's mean, and I ought to feel worse about it than I do, but it does help.

If I accept it, it's easier to not take it too far.

Now I can go back to worrying about everything else... I hope. I think I can get through this, but it's not easy to find the balance between Polly and Pscipolnitsa.

August 7th

I don't know if today was a win or a loss.

Ran into Carrie. She kept giving me shit, and wouldn't stop. Not even when she was ready to pass out from sunstroke... I don't want to write down what she said, but it made me very, very upset.

I realized that I was seriously considering killing her.

The worst part, I think, was realizing how easy it would be. I could wait until she was all alone, descend in a cloud of dust, and with one slash, no more hateful Carrie, her head tumbling down the street... no one would know that it was me, and they'd never find the murder weapon.

I chose not to. It was an active choice, not a default choice, not a distinctive choice. It was skipping desert.

I feel stronger for it, because I could have. And I would have gotten away with it. Fear of retribution didn't enter into it at all.

But... it was skipping desert. Not "I can't do that because it's wrong."

(Also, I did use the scythe to cut her car's engine block in half, but I decided that she needed more exercise anyway. I did it the way I could have murdered her, but car, not person. Okay, I'm not that good a person these days... but I did skip desert, at least.)

August 13th

I've been scared about school.

For lots of reasons, too. On the one hand, things got pretty bad with all the stuff with Anne and everything, and Carrie's going to be there, and that whole situation...

And on the other hand, my feet don't touch the ground, and my eyes are gold, and it would be so, so easy to just let that wildness lose, to punish them for their stupidity and hatred and intolerance...

But I got a letter from this private school. So did my folks, but mine was private.

It's a school for monsters.

My folks don't know this, but it's a school for students like me. (Am I a monster? Hells yeah. There just isn't a question about that. What I've done, what I want to do, what Lady Midday has always done... I remember people killing me/Lady Midday before, but I also remember why, and I can't really blame them.)

But this could be a real chance for me to start over.

I'm not going to hide one damn thing about me at that school. They can take me or leave me, but I'm going to be who I am.

I hope I'll be able to get a date...