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| − | '''Ruminations (updated June 3, 2013)'''
| + | Ruminations (updated June 3, 2013) |
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| | ''circa late August 1932'' | | ''circa late August 1932'' |
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| | I've largely thrown in my lot with the Seelie. Was that the right move? Or did I act too quickly, | | I've largely thrown in my lot with the Seelie. Was that the right move? Or did I act too quickly, |
| | like with the journal? | | like with the journal? |
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| − | '''Insanity?(updated September 17, 2013)'''
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| − | ''circa late August 1932''
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| − | In light of (what I perceive to be) recent events, I figured it might make sense to step back and take stock. Namely, I thought I should try to ascertain if I am: Dreaming, wholly or partly insane, and if things are wholly or only partially what they appear to be.<br><br>
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| − | It is fairly easy, I believe, to dismiss the idea of this all being a dream. While the persistence could be explained by my being in a coma, other things are harder to rationalize. In my dreams, I rarely spend hours looking through newspapers, let alone eating and bathing. The continuity seems too smooth to be a dream and things, though weird, maintain too much consistency. Although I seem more central to events than I would expect, things do not seem to revolve around me, as I would expect in a dream.
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| − | Insanity seems harder to ignore. I don’t really feel crazy, but then again, what does insanity feel like? If I am at least partially insane, this means I can’t fully trust my perception of events. What might a possible description of events look like if I were insane?<br><br>
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| − | The strong possibility of insanity struck me when I recalled that Hannalore Rhyner had mentioned that she was an alienist. I then reflected on a conversation I had with her, where she indicated that she believed I was in love with Katie Flynn. This triggered a bunch of other thoughts.<br><br>
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| − | First, which seems more plausible?<br><br>
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| − | 1) I traveled to land of the Faeries (where time moves differently) and met with their Queen who made inferences about my love life<br>
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| − | 2) I was committed to a mental institution (for some period of time) and met with a psychologist who delved into my relationships and made an inference about when my mental break occurred<br>
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| − | Second, you know how one reason you are interested in Macklin is because his death seems to be the start of something? How, even though later events seem like they might be more significant, you keep coming back to Macklin? I decided I needed to do something similar. When is it likely that I began to go insane? Was there a precipitating event?<br><br>
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| − | One possibility is the Day of Miracles. However, this is too impersonal and attenuated. I didn’t really notice anything different; I just saw it reported in the papers.
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| − | Another possibility would be when Ecker came by my house and declared that the blood samples he’d taken showed some sort of mysterious virus. Or maybe the day I was thrown out the window. These might be too far forward, though.<br><br>
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| − | If I had to guess, though, I’d say that it was the day Katie Flynn was thrown down the stairs. Assume, for the moment, that the ‘Seelie Court’ is a mental institution and that Dr. Rhyner is a psychologist who examines me there. Her line of questioning, as to whether I was in love with Katie Flynn, takes on a particular meaning. Assume also that I was in love with Flynn. Maybe this is what happened:<br><br>
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| − | I’m in love with Flynn, but I can’t do anything about it, since she is married to Macklin, who is, essentially, my employer, as well as, sort of, a friend of mine. I know he beats her, but I don’t do anything about that, either. One day, while beating her, he throws her down the stairs and kills her. A combination of guilt (at having allowed it to happen) and shock (at the woman I love dying in front of me) causes my mind to break. We take her to Ecker’s office, but it is too late. Nothing can be done. I refuse to accept this, though, and I maintain a fiction that she is still alive. (Note: At this point, almost no one except me saw Katie for most of the time until she ‘left’ Detroit. You saw her once, but you didn’t know her. Obediah saw her once, but he didn’t really know her, and he was an unreliable drunk. Lilah also saw her, and that is harder to explain away. I have seen her at the Seelie Court Asylum, so perhaps she is also insane.)<br><br>
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| − | I ‘move’ her from my apartment to a hotel and continue to ‘meet’ with her by myself. Later, she conveniently leaves the city (at my behest) and no one knows where she is, and she can only be contacted via certain ‘Fae’.<br><br>
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| − | I located a valuable medical journal (though I have no training in medicine, so perhaps this important journal is really just a bunch of insane scribblings?) I also hide this away from everyone, so that only I see it. I begin to envision this grand conspiracy that has forced Katie away from the city (so that I have an excuse not to see her) and I’m this really important guy who everyone is out to get due to his mysterious secret. I spend all of my time searching for Katie, but no one can (or will) tell me where she is. I make a copy of this journal and get rid of the original to Russian spies. I give the copy to the unreliable drunk, Obediah (who also spends time at Seelie Court Asylum), who confirms my crazy tale. Then otherworldly blood drinkers appear (oh, and Katie is one of these, which is how she healed from her injuries)… Well, anyway, this certainly sounds paranoid and delusional.<br><br>
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| − | Again, which is more likely?<br><br>
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| − | 1) During an assault to rescue otherworldly children, I am thrown through a window by a supernaturally quick and strong creature, breaking my ribs and requiring me to go to the land of the Faeries to heal extremely fast in ‘Shallow World’ time.<br>
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| − | 2) I have a break with reality, get beat up during a bar brawl, and I’m sent to Seelie Court Asylum to recuperate.<br><br>
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| − | Anyhow, the insanity story doesn’t hang together perfectly. There are holes in it that I can’t adequately explain away. This is why I wanted you to read this note. I could see my mind making up (entirely or certain aspects of) J.T., O’Keefe, Ecker, Obediah, etc., or I could see many of these people being raving lunatics. You, however, seem pretty sane to me. I figure your assessment will be valuable.<br><br>
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| − | Do I seem (to some degree) insane? Even if I’m not particularly crazy, is it likely that I’m simply misinterpreting a lot of the events that have occurred? Maybe I’m just very gullible and people are intentionally misleading me or I’ve been mesmerized? Or maybe everything is (pretty much) exactly as it seems? I’m just not sure at this point, and I’m not sure if I trust my own judgment. I’m hoping you can help me.
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