Connection, Part 2
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Part 1
Dinner that night for Joshua was a big blur. With Rina gone, he had managed to get himself under control long enough to go back and sew his shirt before Indira, their chef passenger, showed up in the galley to provide fresh veggies and oversee the cooking process - can't be too careful with prion disease going around. He was so thrilled to talk cooking with a real chef that he barely noticed when dinnertime arrived.
Suddenly, there he was, sitting next to Rina and all the emotions shot back into action. He barely touched his own food, despite it being a fresh vegetable roast, a rarity out in the Black. He kept sneaking glances at her, when he thought no one was looking. Then the natural thought about what would happen in a few hours jumped into his head, and he would blush. That sequence of events must have happened at least ten times. He thought Nika kept giving him odd looks, but he could never be sure - she could dissemble with the best of them. Thankfully, the passengers were keeping the rest of the crew in the middle of a conversation and away from noticing how strange Joshua was acting.
When dinner ended, Joshua was up and clearing plates well before people were really through. He was just happy to be away from the table and his inability to act like a mature human being. He knew he needed to calm down and not turn this into some kind of world changing event, but the rush of emotions made it impossible to stay calm, and by the time he arrived at Rina's door at 2100, he was a bundle of jittery nerves.
***
I watched Joshua all through dinner and could tell he was nervous, off his game. And it would have been amusing had I not known I was the cause of it. I left as soon as I could without calling attention to myself and went aft. I had a few things to do before Joshua met me in my quarters. 2100 hours arrived to find myself freshly scrubbed and my bunk spotless, with my desk lamp turned down low and fresh blankets on the bed. I answered his knock barefoot and in my off-duty duds of cargoes and a tee shirt, thinking there was little need to make things overly complicated. He’d have enough to deal with already.
“Hey,” I quietly said and stepped aside to let him in.
***
Joshua nodded a little nervously as he walked in, his eyes glued to her. "Hey."
When he got inside, he managed to pry his eyes away from Rina and noticed all the little touches she had made to the room. He smiled softly. He was so nervous, he had completely gotten wrapped up in himself and forgotten how hard this must be for her too. The pressure of being someone's first added on to Rina's history? Couldn't be easy. He felt guilty being so self-centered, but the inner scolding actually helped him calm down a little. He noticed that his hand, which had been shaking as he walked in, was starting to steady.
He sat down gently on the far side of the bunk and turned his eyes back to her. "Can you forgive me for being such an idiot?"
***
I checked the corridor. All clear. I closed the door and locked it.
“There’s nothing to forgive,” I said as I leaned on the door. His anxiety level was high. Nothing overt, just a twitch of the hand here and there, that hyperfocused gaze. I grinned at him, not quite a smirk, and tried for a little humor. “Of course, if you feel you must catalogue your idiocy before going on, I’m willing to listen. We Russians understand that sort of thing.”
***
"Do you have a week?" He laughed weakly. "Sorry, just don't understand how I've managed to get myself so wound up. You do a fantastic job of confusing my emotions, you know. I spend all that time at dinner nervous. The entire dinner, I kept thinking that we're obviously not ready if I can't keep myself from acting like a thirteen year old boy. But then I get close to you..."
He shook his head. "Like I said, you have a week?"
***
Something Christian said to me nearly a year ago whispered from memory: "Your problem with men has you very focused on you when you're in their presence. How they make you feel. How they make you fear….your aversion hampers your empathy and desire to understand and accept how they feel." I suspected empathy was the least of Joshua’s problems, but fear? That was something I could understand.
“We don’t have a week, but we do have all night.” I pushed off the door and straddled the chair at my desk. I put my arms across the back and said, “And we have more than just tonight if that’s what it takes. Just….forget about being perfect, okay? We’re not here for that. Just be yourself.”
***
He breathed out a little unconscious sigh. "I just really don't understand why I'm so nervous. I mean, I don't expect perfect. I know enough to know that's not going to happen. I want you, you want me, why is it harder than that?"
He shifted some on the bunk, leaning forward toward the edge. "I'd say it's because I haven't had enough time to fully become Joshua, but I think the galley demonstrates that the relevant boxes have been unpacked. Oh lord, have they been unpacked."
He looked up and looked at Rina. "And instead of thinking about me all the time, I should be thinking about you. I know that sex has its own...weight with you. I should be asking if you're ready for it. " He paused, his face serious. "Are you?"
***
Was I? As I’d said: We had all night. We had all the nights afterward. A minute of care wouldn’t hurt anything, but a minute spurned could be disastrous. So I took that minute before replying.
“I’m not the same person I was a year ago. I finally realized that I couldn't live in a constant state of siege and started digging out of the prison I'd put myself in. The landscape looks different outside the walls and the barbed wire and I know it’s dangerous….but it’s beautiful, too.”
I rose and joined him on the bed, taking up the opposite end and leaving him the room to bolt if he needed it.
“If you’re asking me if I’m scared, I’d be a liar if I said I wasn’t but I can’t let fear define who I am anymore. Not with this.” I leaned over and gave his hand a gentle squeeze. “I want to be here, Joshua. Do you?”
***
"I think you know I do. Perhaps too much," Joshua admitted. He was going to get hurt with Rina. Not now, but at some point, she was going to go to Mike and he was going to hurt. A lot. And maybe that was what all this nervousness was - an unconscious attempt to prevent himself from getting hurt. And he remembered what he had said to Rina just a short month ago.
What's the point of a real life if I don't risk getting hurt? And if it is all going to be like that, bring on the pain. It'll be worth it.
He squeezed her hand. "But I think I'm ok. And I think I'm ready, but I'm going to trust you to guide me, okay?" And he did trust her in this matter...more than he trusted himself, honestly.
***
“Okay,” I said and stood, pulling him to stand with me. I put my hands lightly on his hips and looked up at him. “So, guidelines. There aren’t many. If either of us says stop, we stop. Treat each other as we’d like to be treated. And waiting on the lady will never steer you wrong. Pretty simple, really, and you’ve been doing fine so far.”
If Christian could see me now, I wonder what he'd say? I thought back to all the sessions I'd had with him and realized that every minute had been a lesson toward this moment, simply by dint of his own example with skittish, gun-shy me. And while I could never approach going to bed with anyone with his flair or aplomb, I could strive for a modicum of his empathy and respect...and with Joshua, I found it easy to achieve. And having some sizzle between us certainly doesn't detract, either... Just follow your own advice, and everything'll be fine.
***
Joshua nodded. "I think I can handle that." If he used those finely tuned observational skills of his and really paid attention to what she did...what she liked, he couldn't go too far astray. Hopefully.
***
Unlike those times in the galley, I could see I would have to make the first move. I smoothed my hands up to his shoulders and tilting my face to his, I kissed him.
***
As she kissed him, he at first tensed up. But then the softness of her lips caused warm shivers to spiral down his spine and he relaxed. All that tension melted away under the warmth of a single kiss. Maybe he should have been kissing her after each course at dinner, he thought. An off-menu dessert
As the kiss continued, he wrapped his arms around her, slipping his hands under the back of her tee shirt, running them slowly up her spine.
***
I’d left off my usual jog bra and I could pinpoint the moment he’d discovered the lack. I smiled into our kiss and tucking my fingers like combs into his hair, drew him deeper. I started to shiver and after another minute my whole body was humming from his touch. My kisses, my hands grew more assured and insistent, and I pressed harder into him.
***
As he ran his hands up her back, he broke from kissing Rina just long enough to lift her shirt over her head. He noticed the scars on her. He had even stitched the one on the right shoulder, a wound from Fei Wu Ling's knife that had almost killed her. Some men might have been repelled by them, but Joshua thought they just made her more real. Part of what made her beautiful. He slowly and softly ran the palm of his right hand across the scar on her left collarbone, feeling his skin tingle as he brushed over it.
***
I’d forgotten about my scars and hesitated when my shirt came off, wondering what Joshua would think of them. I found out a second later as he gently stroked my collarbone, his touch feather light, and my breath caught and caught again as he continued to run his hands over me. It was getting hard to breathe, to stand, to think…
***
As he felt Rina's legs weaken a little, Joshua maneuvered them both back to the bunk where they had been sitting a few moments ago. He then started unbuttoning his shirt, seeing how fair was fair. As he loosened buttons, he let his eyes do the work of his now-busy hands, roving slowly across her body, taking in every visible piece of her. And then he let loose a deep breath that he hadn't realized he was holding in. "Wow," he said simply, suddenly a little overwhelmed by the sheer rush of emotions and hormones.
***
I leaned back on my elbows, head spinning, and sucked in a deep breath to settle the trembling in my gut...and places lower down. Heady stuff, I'd said earlier. Now that I wasn't against him the air of the cabin felt cold and I sat and drew myself up to keep from shivering in earnest. I rested my chin on my knees and watched him.
By the light of my lamp, my eyes verified what my hands already knew--Joshua was lean and smooth and nicely muscled--and my palms itched to run over what I saw. I rose on my knees as he drew near and I hugged him close, craving the warmth off him and wanting more. I tasted his skin, grazed his flesh with my teeth, traveling upward to his throat, his jaw, until I found his mouth again and made it mine.
I had my second wind now and let it carry me wherever this ride would take us.
***
She pressed up against him, and for the first time, Joshua could feel her skin against his and it felt so much more...*right* that he was surprised that they had managed to keep their clothes on up til now.
He kissed her neck on her right side where it met the shoulder, first softly, then becoming a nibble, then almost a bite as Joshua felt he could devour her.
Joshua's left hand grazed down her back, across her side, down the outside of her leg, pressing tight against the cargo pants. And while his hand went downward, his mouth went up, moving across her neck in slow gentle kisses, until he reached her ear, nibbling on the lobe. He then whispered into her ear, "You taste amazing, Rina."
***
I jumped as his hand moved south and shifted to give him more room. His breath tickled when he spoke and blazed right through my chest, making my nipples ache. I grabbed his other hand and placed it on my breast, hoping he’d get the hint, and pulled us both down on the bed. I was near sobbing now with frustration and need and getting out of our clothes couldn’t happen fast enough. Through the pounding of my pulse and the haze of lust I felt him pause and it brought me to a screeching halt, and I gasped under him as I pulled the last of my wits together. There was light enough from the lamp to see his expression and I immediately understood.
"You're doing fine," I said. "Right there is exactly where you need to be. It's all right, Joshua," I added softly. "You can't hurt me. It'll be all right."
And I smoothed my hands down his backside and gave him a steady push.
***
As Joshua found himself inside of her with their moans of pleasure echoing in the room, his brain almost seemed to disconnect from his body. The pleasure was intense, but even more than that, in a place buried deep within him, an elemental, almost primal connection between him and Rina came to life. She might never love him the way he was beginning to love her. But now a part of him had been shaped by her. He would always belong to her in some small way.
As their bodies continued to move together in harmony, building towards the finale, Joshua suddenly realized he never needed to worry about being human again. About having a soul. Making this connection had to be what being human was all about.
And then there was no more thinking, as they both reached their pleasure together. They were left sweaty and exhausted but deeply content, quietly holding each other on the bunk by the dim light of the lamp.
***
I must have dropped off. I blinked and came to at Joshua's side, his arm cradling me against him. He’d drawn the blanket over us at some point and I was glad for it. It made everything more nest-like and cozy and I simply lay there, enjoying the afterglow of lovemaking. My right arm was sandwiched under me but my left was free to stroke whatever fell under my hand and I snuggled in closer. Words weren't necessary. They’d only get in the way. And so I lay there, listening to the thrumming of his heart over the atmo hissing through the vents, and remained silent.
***
Lying there beside her, her arm draped over him, Joshua began to understand why she was so clear about what their relationship had to be. Too easily could he get used to lying beside her, taking pleasure in her presence. But those were thoughts for some other day. For now, he just brushed his free hand over her dark hair and whispered, "Thank you."
***
"Pazhalusta," I whispered back with a caress. "You're welcome."
***
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