Forgotten Freedom:2001 2500
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2001. The Thronehold Accords was not written by Arthur C. Clarke.
2002. Nor was it written by J. R. R. Tolkien.
2003. The Mourning did not occur because someone hired or employed Homer Simpson.
2004. Mr. Burns is not Vol's long-lost relative.
2005. A warforged on a plate cannot use its magnet to escape.
2006. The artificer cannot reverse the polarity of anything.
2007. The Kalashtar telepath is not a "l33t mind h4xx0r".
2008. Dragonshards are not made of chopped-up pieces of dragons.
2009. You will not convince any artificer to take a Vow of Poverty.
2010. The wand of fireballs is not your "boomstick".
2008. Correllary to 2005: Not even if it is the LOBster.
2009. Half-bricks in socks will never, ever, defeat a wizard's staff.
2010. No, you may not have an orangutan as a familiar. No monkeys on this ship.
2011. Correction: No apes on this ship.
2012. I don't care how many points you have in your Craft Reserve. You may not make a car out of scrap metal!
2013. For the matter, you may not make a car out of anything.
2014. I don't care if you are 'the warrior from the sky', you may not have an Oldsmobile as part of your starting equipment.
2015. Same goes for the chainsaw and boomstick.
2016. There is not and never will be a prestige class that requires you to score with Jaela. So stop it.
2017. Any use of the words "Jaela", "Mage hand", "Evard's Black Tentacles" and "Prestidigitation" in the same sentence will result in keelhauling.
2018. Twice.
2019. You may not ask about the ship's miles per gallon.
2020. You may not ask about the warforged's miles per gallon.
2021. For the love of god, FIREBALL IS NOT A TOY!!!
2022. Nor does the captain like being hit by them!
2023. Stop telling the warforged this!
2024. The Warforged is not to use a Hat of Disguise to appear as a Dwarf, then challenge other Dwarves to a drinking contest.
2025. Or a contest to see who can hold his breath for the longest.
2026. If 2025 is broken, we will not call the oxygen-deprived Dwarf 'Papa Smurf' because his face turned blue.
2027. You need far more than bubble gum and a paper clip to foil Vol's plans.
2028. Do not try and get the Artificer to waste time converting a Warforged Titan to a battle mech.
2029. In the unlikely event that he succeeds, you are not to hand that mech over to an angsty Japanese teenager.
2030. In fact, should you find yourself with such a weapon, all teenagers in a ten-mile radius should be put to death.
2031. You will stop handing out copies of the Evil Overlord list; the bad guys have enough of an edge as is.
2032. YOU ARE NOT JAELA!
2033. For god's sake stop trying to lure Batman into the airship with promises of candy.
2034. Wait...
2035. Dwarfs in full plate are not the latest in missile technology.
2036. Anyone caught mooning royalty will be left behind to explain themselves.
2037. YES, even if it’s Aurala.
2045. We will not go into the Mournland specifically to steal a lot of beer from an abandoned brewery.
2046. You will not sell Cyran Evergold Beer looted from Mournlands.
2047. You will not drink said Mournland-tainted beer, unless you brought the pretzels.
2048. Drinking it will not give you super powers.
2049. You will not eat Mournland-tainted pretzels.
2050. Gnomes are not to be used as snacks.
2051. Or ammunition.
2052. "We're going to need subtlety" does not mean "Learn some Silent fireballs".
2053. Or "cut people to ribbons while wearing a hooded cloak".
2054. "Diplomacy" does not involve apologizing while blowing people to smithereens.
2055. Your wings are not like a shield of steel.
2056. So bullets can hurt you.
2057. The Sovereign Host do not appear in person to give messages to their followers, you're fooling no one trying.
2058. Even if they did, they would send more profound messages than
"3 Pepperonis, 2 meatfeasts and some cheesy garlic bread".
2059. The shifter with glasses is not Dogbert.
2060. That's okay, you shouldn't have been listening to his business plans either way.
2061. I don't care how cool the sword looks, you do not HAVE THE POWER.
2062. Nor the right to dress in only a fur loincloth.
2063. Nor call us the Masters of the Universe.
2064. Do not play mind games with any Inspired we encounter.
2065. They will win.
2066. Yes, the captain is positive they will. Don't try your luck.
2067. Just because the cleric holds the faith of the Silver Flame as her personal ideal does not mean you need to make her some WWJD (What Would Jaela Do?) bracelets.
2068. You most certainly do NOT need to make her any WILJTD (What I'd Like Jaela To Do) bracelets, EVER.
2069. Nor should you even think of trying to program such protocols into the warforged.
2070. What the - By the Host, do you LIKE being keelhauled?
2071. You do? ...Okay, that explains a lot...
2072. The airship is not perfect for a 'chicken cannon'.
2073. Neither is the warforged.
2074. Even though it would look really cool.
2075. The wizard is not to use index cards for his spells.
2076. I'm not chasing them down when he drops them on a windy day.
2077. Again.
2078. The airship is not 'unleaded fuel only'.
2079. The artificer is not named Red Green.
2080. Nor does he have a 'handyman's corner'.
2081. Using lots of duct tape is still required.
2082. You may not summon a celestial whale and have it appear 200 ft above the Daelkyr's head.
2083. And if you did any damage it did would not be considered good-aligned.
2084. Even though she loses powers if she leaves the Cathedral, you will not refer to Jaela as "The Sorceress of Greyskull."
2085. Nor the "The Sorceress of Flamekeep", or "The Cleric of Greyskull". "The Cleric of Flamekeep" is okay because, honestly, that's what she is.
2086. The warforged are not the Borg.
2087. They do not say resistance is futile.
2088. Black mages will have their knives taken away immediately.
2089. Warforged are not Go-Bots.
2090. Nor will they go arround saying "Go Go Gadget".
2091. Warforged don't come with Energizers.
2092. Dragonshards are not batteries.
2093. Putting a warforged in a pink rabbit suit and giving him a drum before saying to "go as far as you can before you stop from power loss" shall only be done once.
2094. Stop making Jaela's hat fall off with cantrips.
2095. Jaela's hat being smaller than the previous pontiffs is wrong.
2096. There is no such thing as "Saint Mirron's School for Girl Pontiffs".
2097. And it does not have uniforms!
2098. Jaela is not Chiyo-Chan.
2099. We will not rename the ship the "Lolicon Con".
2100. Or add the word "Carney" after that.
2101. We are not the Bat-Airship!
2102. Merrix d'Cannith does not write the "A City with No People" series.
2103. King Kaius was not locked in a coffin and thrown into the ocean for 50 years.
2104. The artificer cannot retain the essence of a warforged.
2105. The artificer cannot retain the essence of an artifact.
2106. The artificer is forbidden from going back through the dungeon we cleared and retaining the essence of all the magic traps.
2107. There are no such things as living skills, living feats, or living action points.
2108. You cannot tie anyone to a conductor stone track.
2109. While it is a good song, the bard is forbidden to sing "November Rain" while in Sharn.
2110. The bard is also forbidden from singing "Welcome to the Jungle" while we are in Xen'drick.
2111. No, there are no 2001-style monoliths in Xen'drick.
2112. The crew is forbidden, under penalty of death, to use the airship to make paintball 'drive-bys'. It's just not right.
2113. The crew is not allowed to send the warforged to "Pimp my 'Forged".
2114. You are not allowed to create a daily pamphlet on what Jaela did that day.
2115. Unless the Captain gets the first copy and half of the profits.
2116. You can play chess with the Warforged as pieces.
2117. Warforged Boxing will continue on Moonday nights.
2118. Do not offer a special scratching post to the catgirl.
2119. No asking for a special prayer from Jaela.
2120. I said no special prayers...
2121. Scrapmetal is not a name for warforged.
2122. Do not ask Jaela to heal the sick.
2123. Or to raise the dead.
2124. Need I remind you of keelhauling?
2125. You WILL buy a squirrel.
2126. Warforged are not required to remove body parts during strip poker.
2127. You may not invite Jaela to take part in strip poker.
2128. You cannot ask King Kaius 'how goes the jihad?'
2129. Even if he is taking part.
2130. The Aurrum are not to be referred to as the Hellfire Club.
2131. House Orien members, when teleporting, don't go 'bamf'.
2132. You may not substitute your own 'bamf' noises.
2133. In the future, there will not be robots.
2134. It is wrong to tell the warforged this.
2135. You may not sell motivational magic mouth spells whose initials spell out drug names.
2136. You may not have the call sign 'Scarecrow'.
2137. Even if your name is Shane Shcofield.
2138. You may not hold money up in front of King Kaius to see if he is a Ravnost.
2139. Or a painting to see if he is a Toreador.
2140. It is quite obvious that he is a Ventrue.
2141. The Silver Flame paladins who took part in the inquisition were not 'agents of the wyrm'.
2142. It is wrong to tell Silver Flame paladins this.
2143. Dog shifters are not named Inuyasha.
2144. You cannot have an older true werewolf brother named Sesshomaru.
2145. Monk/Clerics who have extremely lecherous sides are okay if they are NOT named Miroku.
2146. You cannot be a schoolgirl from Earth.
2147. Or wield a bigass boomerang.
2148. Your paladin's mount is not a giant flying fox.
2149. Strangely no one wants to play Shippou.
2150. Ketler the engineer is hereby forbidden from saying there's an Elemental core breach and one of us has to make a heroic sacrifice against the heat to save us all...
2151. Especially if a warforged can just be sent in...
2152. Or if he caused it deliberately to get rid of the Elf...
2153. Or the Paladin.
2154. Ketler d'Cannith is not Scotty nor should he talk like it.
2155. Ketler is not blind, nor will he wear a magic visor...
2156. Especially if it's to give him X-ray vision.
2157. Ketler is forbidden from attempting to build a hyperdrive for the ship...
2158. Especially from testing it while we're still on it.
2159. Ketler will not build "Evil Death Rays" that can blow up cities.
2160. These Death Rays will not be fired at Fairhaven.
2161. Ketler is forbidden from maniacal laughter.
2162. Ketler is forbidden from trying to clone the Tarrasque.
2163. Especially so he can hollow it out and build a entry plug...
2164. So Jaela can pilot it.
2165. JUST TO GET HER IN A PLUG SUIT.
2166. Ketler is forbidden from building golems solely to do all the dangerous stuff.
2167. Ketler cannot create nitroglycerine in stick form.
2168. Or attempt to use the proceeds from this to make awards for world peace.
2169. Ketler cannot make molecular bonded armor for the ship.
2170. If warforged are not robots, Ketler cannot make them instead.
2171. Ketler is wrong to get special fertilizer to make a gigantic Venus flytrap...
2172. Solely to help make his production of "Little Shop of Horrors" more authentic.
2173. Ketler is not a supervillain, nor can he use the forbidden laser to hold the Four Nations for ransom.
2174. He will not demand "ONE MILLION DOLLARS!"
2175. It is wrong to attach lasers to sharks...
2176. Especially flaming flying sharks.
2177. Ketler will not save up his plunder to get an evil lair.
2178. Ketler is not a "supervillain in the making".
2179. Ketler may be mad and a scientist... but he will not be allowed to refer to himself as a mad scientist.
2180. I don't care if the plans are on the internet, Ketler cannot build an A-bomb.
2181. Ketler cannot taunt Merrix that he's done more evil than the "rank amateur".
2182. Ketler is not allowed to say "d'Cannith is pronounced Day Cannath".
2166. The artificer is forbidden to make a Furby homunculus.
2167. Even if he does, he had better not offer it to Jaela.
2168. Especially after he teaches it to say "The Silver Flame sucks".
2169. Or "How about a date in 6 years?"
2170. Those are keelhauling offenses, Chester.
2171. Weebles wobble.
2172. But they don't fall down.
2173. I may not attempt to change this.
2174. Especially not with a Meteor Swarm spell.
2175. And especially not when I'm on the airship.
2176. "Bite my shiny metal ass" is not an appropriate response from a warforged when asked for ident papers.
2177. Nor is is appropriate for the artficer to say "bite HIS shiny metal ass" in the same scenario referring to the warforged.
2178. Unless said warforged's name is Shine.
2179. Then it is mandatory.
2180. "Fire the warning monk!" is not an appropriate command for the warforged at the start of a battle.
2181. Especially if the warforged IS the monk.
2183. Andrea, it is not appropriate to sacrifice crew members to the Dark Six.
2184. Andrea, it is not polite to summon demons to destroy the world.
2185. We are to STOP the summoning of the Rajahs...
2186. AND NOT just so we can summon them ourselves.
2187. Nihilism is not an acceptable answer for "What is your religion?"
2188. It is wrong to attempt to dissolve souls to create a Philosopher's Stone.
2189. Even if it worked on Full Metal Alchemist.
2190. It is wrong to reanimate dead crew members to do your chores.
2191. Especially if you killed them for this purpose.
2192. You will not look at "The Evil Overlord's List" for advice.
2193. Queen Aurala is not your greatest rival for world domination.
2194. The Demon Wastes are not a vacation spot.
2195. Jaela is not to be corrupted to the Cult of the Dragon Below.
2196. Especially in exchange for candy.
2197. It is wrong to tell Jaela that the Dragon Below offers Barbie dream house.
2198. Even if it's true.
2199. All the cool kids are NOT joining the Dragon Below.
2200. Evil is not more powerful than good because good is dumb.
2201. Choas, however, will beat Law because it's better organized.
2202. A warforged's composite plating does not fall of with a Knock spell.
2203. It is wrong to tell them this.
2204. They don't have kickstands.
2205. Or handlebars.
2206. Do not name a warforged titan Tiny.
2207. Keelhauling is still an option.
2208. Warforged do not "pass gas".
2209. It is wrong to tell them this.
2210. You cannot enchant a warforged with the Stinking Cloud spell and have them blast a big one.
2211. Neither will I. I'm Captain, not Evil Overlord.
2212. Suggesting that I'd be better at that job is an appreciated compliment. It is also a keelhauling offense.
2213. Characters will not be permitted to have Welsh names. They're just too hard to spell and pronounce.
2214. Warforged Scout (MMIII p. 193) characters will not be named Gigantor.
2215. For especially egregious repeat offenses, walking the plank will be substituted for keelhauling.
2216. The Captain's scrying shard will NOT be used to determine if the Paladin Chick is a real redhead.
2217. The chamber pots will not be emptied over the Royal Court of Fairhold.
2218. Chamber pots will not be given to the warforged and told that they are starter foods.
2219. This list is not optional.
2220. Invisible peeping toms will be visibly beaten.
2221. Warforged are not walking ashtrays.
2222. The captain has the final say.
2223. Unless you pay me enough to stay out of it.
2224. They are no halfling warforged.
2225. Stop telling the warforged this.
2226. For the last time, Jaela is not interested in you.
2227. Just me.
2228. Must not ask the paladin chick if she has 'put on a little weight'.
2229. Mustn't tell Jaela that she is responsible for the Gloaming.
2230. Mustn't tell the warforged that he is responsible either.
2231. The Suggestion spell is not a Jedi Mind Trick.
2232. I'm not even supposed to be here, today.
2233. Casting Mute on the warforged does not make him Silent Bob.
2234. Despite the Armblade, Armbow, and Battlefist, warforged still aren't OmniMechs.
2235. The warforged is not a training dummy.
2236. I should stop telling the monk this.
2237. Even if the warforged is a bit of a dummy.
2238. We do not have LAN parties.
2239. The warforged is not a router, so I should stop shoving wires into him.
2240. Especially the high-voltage ones.
2241. Despite the disturbingly happy sighs from the warforged.
2242. The airship does not have a towing hitch.
2243. I do not have the power of Life and Death.
2244. This also applies to tower 312.
2245. We will not tow Tower 312 about as "our mobile house of pleasure".
2246. Especially if you keep making comments about the size of your erection.
2247. We will not ride past Argonessan so you can moon the dragons.
2248. The dragon prophecy does not predict the outcome of next week's Aundair horse races.
2249. The missing moon is not to be referred to as "The Death Star".
2250. Neither the Aurrum nor House Kundarak are to be referred to as "Goldilocks".
2251. All right, I admit it, this keelhauling thing works better as a punishment when an ocean's involved, but think of the splinters!
2252. Gnomish bards do not have access to the "Rubber Chicken" spell.
2253. Nor any magical item by the same name.
2254. Nor are they allowed to invent such.
2255. You are not my "little buddy", and even if we did get stranded on a desert island I certainly wouldn't let you name it after yourself.
2256. Regarding last night's wet toga/Syberys shard/Keeper-on-Keeper incident: We shall not speak of it again. I'm confiscating every last drop of alcohol on the ship, and every single woman who participated in the 'Best impression of the thirteen moons' contest is to report to my office immediately.
2257. Don't wait up.
2258. Togas, kilts, kimonos, and white plastic shell armor are unacceptable ship attire.
2259. If we crash into the hills, our first priority is helping the artificer get the ship running, not voting on who looks the tastiest.
2260. Well yes, the catgirl does look... wait... this line of thinking will cease and desist immediately.
2261. Look, do you think I dole out punishments for amusement?
2262. That's a good point, but it hurts me more than it hurts you.
2263. Granted, I could be just as sick as you as far as enjoying punishment.
2264. Okay, this joke's being dragged on a bit long... what the hell am I supposed to do to keep you people in line?
2265. Being left bound, gagged, naked, and cast to Jaela's mercy is not nor will it ever be an appropriate punishment.
2266. It is wrong to tell the warforged this.
2267. Mordain the Fleshweaver is not ever to be called Dr. Moreau.
2268. Nor does he live on "The Island of Dr. Mordain".
2269. I don't care how priceless his expression was when you first said it.
2270. What do you mean the other players all chuckled and Jeff sprayed soda? What in Khyber are you smoking?
2271. It is wrong to get tattoos for the sake of restoring the mark of death.
2272. The secret ingredient in Green Dragon's Blood is not people.
2273. We are fighting for freedom and glory, not eeps and swag.
2274. That's it, I'm leaving.
2275. You shall not address your captain as "Fresh Meat", "Substitute Teacher", "Scab", "Second Place", "Filler Material", "New Guy", "Hardass", "Candy Ass", "Greenhorn", or "Little Sally Frou-Frou, Princess of the Fairy Petals".
2276. Keelhauling is an option.
2277. You shall not address your captain as "Masthead", "Replacement Rudder", or "Dino-fishing-bait", nor shall you ever ever keelhaul him again.
2278. Keeper Jaela is not of the age of consent, and even if she were, she certainly wouldn't consent to THAT.
2279. Neither would Errandis d'Vol. And they certainly wouldn't settle things with a pillow fight.
2280. Oh dear Sovereign, I think I'm going to be sick.
2281. You shall not address your captain as "Chuck", "The Hurler", "Sir Barfsalot", "The Technicolor Yawn", "Salad Shooter", "Vomit Comet", "Hurly McHurlerson from the Hurly Kingdom of Hurl", or "Spewy".
2282. When the captain hides in his room and states that he wishes to be left alone, the appropriate response does not involve sending in the shifter to cuddle.
2283. Look, I don't care how fetching she is.
2284. It really doesn't matter which fetching I meant, now does it?
2285. Oh... THAT'S Marish. I see.
2286. What list?
2287. This behavior is despicable, you are all reprehensible for keeping a record of your misdeeds, and if we ever reach 3333 I'm driving straight to Riedra for "Corrective Behavior Modification".
2288. After having met you lot, yes, myself included. Feel... so... dirty...
2289. Psionics aren't better at giving head.
2290. It is wrong to tell the warforged this.
2291. Changelings' natural forms are not blue with red hair.
2292. The next person to tell the warforged that declaring "KILL ALL HUMANS" while walking with outstretched arms and big clanging steps is a good way to make friends and influence people will be shot out of a torpedo tube.
2293. I don't care that they haven't been invented yet. We have ways.
2294. Dolgrims were not created by 'cracking a few goblin skulls together'.
2295. I should stop telling the warforged this.
2296. But I won't.
2297. The shifter girl may be deliciously feline, but thats no excuse for her to use the ship as a scratching post.
2298. Bribery doesnt work on any member of the watch above the rank of sergeant.
2299. Unless you're offering the shifter girl.
2300. You are not first on the server.
2301. Receiving a buffing spell is not the same as "turning on uber l337 h4x".
2302. There is no 'god mode', and if there were, you would not be allowed to turn it on.
2303. It's spelled E-L-I-T-E.
2304. Put down that sword... HEY! STOP TK'ING, NUB! WTF!
2305. The artifacer does not 'jack in' to the warforged to fix him.
2306. The warforged is not vulnerable to 'cyberpsychosis'.
2307. Pray that he doesn't find out what that means.
2308. Pray like you have never prayed before...
2309. The necromancer is NOT Dr. Frankenstein.
2310. Even if he does build a flesh golem, it's not Frankenstein's Monster.
2311. Its name is Adam.
2312. Any female psionic named Jean Grey will not be allowed on board.
2313. I dont care how good she is, this ain't the [CENSORED] X-Men.
2314. Any ring that you find is not to be referred to as "the precious".
2315. There is no Golden Compass.
2316. ...Or Subtle Knife.
2317. And no, you can't make them (even if you are an artificer).
2318. The fairy's blood is NOT toothpaste.
2319. So stop trying to brush your teeth with it.
2320. You cannot refer to any of the Arcanix wizards as Gandalf.
2321. Or Saruman.
2322. Or Dumbledore.
2323. Orc mages are not to be referred to as Thrall.
2324. And Silver Flame paladins are not to be referred to as Arthas.
2326. The airship was not built for "Junkyard Wars".
2327. Neither was the warforged.
2328. You can't ask the shifter girl and the changeling girl to do a pinup calendar.
2329. Unless you split the profits with the crew.
2330. This ship is in Eberron, we shall not act like we're playing Warhammer.
2331. Eberron will not be described as "Like Torg only not as fun".
2332. We shall not break the 4th wall...
2333. That will include references to "min-maxing for fun and profit."...
2334. Reading the Eberron handbooks while we game in character...
2335. Making snappy comeback lines that require out of character knowledge...
2336. Making REFERENCES to being Batman.
2337. Rolling dice.
2338. Shouting CRITICAL HIT after a spectacular maneuver.
2339. Having arguments in game about whether female RPGers exist or not...
2340. Especially if you are sitting next to one at the table.
2341. YES, she's a girl.
2342. I don't need to tell you twice since she's hit you painfully.
2343. Cross-gender roleplaying is no longer permitted due to...
2344. The abundance of lesbian softcore...
2345. Making disturbing comments about your character's booty in your throaty guy voice...
2346. The fact you make FAN art of your character...
2347. And this is hardly the creepiest stuff.
2348. Shifters will not be referred to as "furries".
2349. Conan the Barbarian is not your role model.
2350. The warforged is forbidden to play basketball with the gnome.
2351. Especially when he is using said gnome as the ball.
2352. You cannot crit a warforged with a can opener.
2353. Stop telling the warforged this.
2354. Halflings and gnomes are not good eating.
2355. Again, stop telling the warforged this.
2356. Shifters do not wear flea collars.
2357. Stop telling the shifters this.
2358. And the warforged.
2359. The warforged do not have brass knuckles.
2360. Nor are they a walking port-a-john.
2361. Please quit telling the warforged these things.
2362. The goliath with "Fling Ally" is not to play football with the warforged juggernaut.
2363. Especially when said warforged is the ball.
2364. It is very, very wrong to tell this to either of them.
2365. The first warforged prostitute will be melted for armor.
2366. Warforged will not be pimped.
2367. Warforged cannot be pimps.
2368. A warforged with the sonic ability will not be referred to as a vibrator.
2369. You did not "Steal the Baby from the stupid Dhakaani".
2370. Dhakaani weren't even in the movie... okay, it's pretty close.
2371. Not allowed to make any character that sounds like Pacino in "Scent of a Woman".
2372. I will pimp slap the next person that sez "WHO-HAH!!"
2373. No, you cannot have your Necromancer look like Iggy Pop.
2374. Okay, maybe... that guy is creepy-looking.
2375. You can not cast "Enlarge" on specific body parts. I don't know if anyone said it before, but it bears repeating.
2376. We will not all put on goatees to pretend to be our Mirror Universe counterparts.
2378. The changeling will not immitate other crew members to claim to be their Mirror Universe counterparts.
2379. It is wrong to tell the warforged either of the above is true.
2380. I will not fall for you all pretending I've been teleported into a Mirror Universe...
2381. Even if you put a Helm of Opposite Alignment on Aurala to make her a sexy dominatrix.
2382. A Helm of Opposite Alignment to make Jaela incredibly bratty.
2383. A Helm of Opposite Alignment to make Kaius incompetent but peaceful while feeding on tomato juice.
2384. Where did you get all of those damn helms?
2385. Infect Boranal with Lycanthropy to make him incredibly vicious and egotistical.
2386. It is NOT wrong to make all the women's fashions on the ship incredibly slutty to reflect the environment though.
2387. Listen, if you were the Mirror Universe Forgotten Freedom everyone would be NICE, now, wouldn't they?
2388. Mirror Universe Captain Jarlot would NOT be nicer than me!
2389. ...So stop trying to get him onboard with a teleport accident!
2390. Mirror Universe crew would not say "BIZZARROOOOOO!" every other line so stop saying it.
2391. The Mirror Universe Lord of Blades is not a Barber.
2392. The Mirror Universe Quori are not the Care Bears.
2393. The Mirror Universe Lords of Dust do not resemble Mr. Clean or the Bounty Man.
2394. The Mirror Universe Last War did not resemble 100 years of Woodstock.
2395. It is wrong to tell the warforged this.
2396. The Mirror Universe House Cannith doesn't sell flowers.
2397. Mirror Universe House Deneith aren't hippies.
2398. Mirror Universe House Thuranni are not pirates...
2399. Because pirates are the opposite of ninjas.
2400. Mirror Universe Argonessan is not inhabited by Flumphs.
2401. The Mirror Universe did not have a Dungeons and Dragons movie that did not suck.
2402. The Mirror Universe cannot be reached by modifying a remote control to create wormholes in space.
2403. Ketler is not Quinn Mallory.
2404. The Dwarf is NEVER John Rhys-Davies.
2405. The Mirror Universe Dargunn is not the homeland of Keebler Elves.
2406. Mirror Universe Aereneal does not worship the Beach Boys.
2407. ...I don't even know why you suggested that.
2408. Mirror Universe Valenar are not a bunch of armchair liberals.
2409. ...It is wrong to go to the Mirror Universe to try and conquer them.
2410. Mirror Universe Droaam is not home to Furbys....
2411. Actual Droaam is.
2412. Mirror Universe Eldeen Reaches does not resemble downtown Chicago.
2413. Mirror Universe Sharn is not a hellacious pit...
2414. Normal Universe Sharn has enough of that.
2415. Mirror Universe Khyber is not the home of the Fraggles.
2416. Mirror Universe Shifters are not Muppets.
2417. Mirror Universe Talenta Planes do not have giants riding chocobos.
2418. It is wrong to tell the warforged this.
2419. Mirror Universe Cardinal Kronzen is not Frank N. Furter from the Rocky Horror Picture show.
2420. Actual Universe Cardinal Kronzen has a very active private life.
2421. The Mirror Universe does not have the worship of the Golden Pond.
2422. If they did, it'd be wrong to attempt to sell urine as holy water.
2423. Mirror Universe Errandis D'Vol is not a misunderstood angsty Goth teen....
2424. Sadly, actual universe one is.
2425. The warforged does not need software upgrades.
2426. The ship does not run on Windows.
2427. No, the paladin chick will not 'lay hands' on you.
2428. No matter how nicely you ask.
2429. No, you can't bribe her, either.
2430. The bard will not learn poetry beginning 'There once was a man from Nantucket'.
2431. The bard will not inspire confidence with such songs as 'bluff the stupid ogre'.
2432. You still can't kill Lich Vol by dropping houses on her.
2433. I should tell the warforged this.
2434. Eventually.
2435. You are forbidden from ever speaking again except for the words...
2436. Arrrrrrr...
2437. Matey...
2438. Hello poppet...
2439. Parley?...
2440. SNARRRRRRLLL...
2441. Grrrrrrrrr....
2441. Shiver me timbers!...
2442. Aye Captain!...
2443. Yo Ho!...
2444. Use of warforged as cannonballs is a last-ditch effort.
2445. Warforged will not be used as heated shot.
2446. My hat is not a toy.
2447. You may not bring a bucket of water into to the vault of the Silver Flame.
2448. I don't care how cool the sizzling noises are.
2449. Captain: NO. Crew member: But I was just... Captain: Nothing else at all to do with Jaela, no, nothing, shut up.
2450. The shifter may not use the mast as a scratching post or nibble stick.
2452. Warforged may not be named Data, Lore, B-4, Jehuty, Anubis, Nieth, Gundam, Melith, Guymelith, Ironsides, Optimus, Galvatron or Hotstreak.
2453. I don't care what it is, just NO!!!
2455. Mirror Universe Jaela doesn't want to sleep with you either.
2456. It is wrong to dress as a teddy bear to lure Jaela in.
2457. A confession will not be done to the Pontiff while she is on your knee.
2458. Jaela will not be induced to being the navigator for our ship and saying 'Baka' a lot.
2459. The Keeper of the Flame does not refill the propane.
2460. The Keeper of the Flame doesn't shovel coal.
2461. It is wrong to dress the WARFORGED as a teddy bear.
2462. It is wrong to say the costume of any anthropomorphic animal is a special warforged-only magic armor.
2463. Even if it makes them somehow MORE intimidating.
2464. Attaching a lodestone to the warforged does not make him sing folk songs.
2465. So stop throwing lodestones at him.
2466. Ioun stones are not for target practice.
2467. I should tell the warforged this.
2468. But I probably won't.
2469. Telling the warforged the grey ioun stones bring luck is forbidden.
2470. He has a dozen of the things flying around him for chrissakes...
2471. Selling said grey ioun stones as any kind of dragonshard is a bad idea.
2472. I'll stop one of these days.
2473. It is wrong to teach the warforged the song "Iron Man".
2474. The bard may sing "The Red" when a barbarian rages.
2475. The bard may also sing 'Cars' when we are in the airship.
2476. Note, it must be the Fear Factory cover, or else the bard will be keelhauled.
2477. Under no circumstances will you ever teach the bard to play This (link removed).
2478. The artificer is forbidden to make any gauntlet out of brass.
2479. The gnome is not dinosaur bait.
2480. The anchor is not a dinosaur hook.
2481. Once and for all time, no... one... on this... ship... is... Batman...
2482. The name of the ship is Forgotten Freedom, not the Flying Asylum.
2483. You don't have to be crazy to work on this ship, but it helps.
2484. Nobody is screaming, it's just you.
2485. You are not the Draconic Prophecy.
2486. The Prophecy is not being spoken by some dude in a black duster and silver goggles named Morpheus.
2487. The Warforged will not be reincarnated as a blender.
2488. It is wrong to tell him this.
2489. We will not use the airship to go duck hunting, or any other kind of bird hunting.
2490. We will not have the Changling impersonate a Werewolf and say "You missed one!" to anger the Paladins of the Silver Flame.
2491. We will not replace the Blood offering with ketchup in the Blood of Vol temple.
2492. We will not collect two of each animal on the airship so that we can preserve every species on the continent. We have a hard enough time feeding the crew.
2493. No, you may not turn your luggage into a homunculus.
2494. Nor your mother's dead body.
2495. Kalashtar psions are not allowed to carry bags of sand, rubies, and funky-looking helmets.
2496. Nor is it even biologically possible for them to be the brothers of super-cheerful Aereneal necromancers.
2497. Aereneal necromancers may not be super-cheerful.
2498. On the other hand, wearing all black, writing bad poetry in the corner of the tavern, and putting on all that awful white make-up is a keelhauling offense.
2499. It is wrong to tell warforged that sharpening their armblade will make them go blind.
2500. It is also wrong to tape their eyes shut after telling them this.
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