Forgotten Freedom:22
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Norbaz stands over a stovetop breathing deeply the aroma. Terra enters the kitchen baring a sealed jar.
Terra: Here's today's test batch.
Norbaz: Oh, thank you, (cracks open the lid and takes a whiff, dabs some on his finger and takes a taste) Hmm; Blood, Fine powdered Devil Weed, Dreamlily paste, and... is that ground Siberys Shard?
Terra: Still an idea in the experimental stage, anyone on board with a dragonmark should be in for an interesting experience.
Norbaz: I must say, creative application. Though I'm a little worried about the mixed side affects.
Terra: Well that's why I'm testing it.
Norbaz: The bulk of this crew aren't dragonmarked. You want this batch just going in with Ketler's meal and some of the redshirt's meals?
Terra: No, full spread on this one... and then we're going into observation mode.
Norbaz: Alright... wait... this blood portion of the mixture... it's not -
Terra: Straight from a dragonmarked's veins.
Norbaz: Oh... this is going to end in tears... I'm going to get some image crystals for this one, the fallout should keep me steeped in back up blackmail for years.
Tabitha is in the mess hall, debating whether or not to eat the chili. She has a large ledger in front of her and looks very, very upset. Hoybee stumbles in, and manages to find a seat without stumbling or spilling anything.
Hoybee: Evening, Tabitha dear. Hows everything going for you?
Tabitha: Terrible, Hoy. I've been going over the ship's finances. There's enough money for one week's payroll, and that's it. Between the repair bills for Pholly and his accidents, and the heroic amounts of booze imbibed by the crew, there just isn't enough money in the world to pay all the bills.
Hoybee aims a Ray of Frost at his bowl, to cool his chili. He accidentally cuts loose with a Maximized, Empowered Cone of Cold.
Hoybee: Oops. Musta put too much English on that one. Well, what about Devon? Couldn't he be of help?
Tabitha: (Brushing frost off her ledger) What? You're kidding? You want to pimp that pathetic loser out for money? We would be even deeper in debt.
Hoybee: No, no, you have me wrong, my dear. *Hoybee aims a Burning Hands at the chili, but hits it with a Flare spell, instead* Hmm... Musta got the accent wrong. I mean, Tabitha, we put him out, and women pay him NOT to escort them.
Tabitha: *adds up some numbers with an abacus* Hey, that's it! We would be back in the black, plus a few hundred grand.
Tabitha stands up, collects her things and walks out, saying back over her shoulder, "Great going, Hoybee."
Hoybee aims another Burning Hands at the chili, this time nailing his bowls with a Delayed Blast Fireball.
Hoybee: Aw crap. Close enough.
(Kanatash is yelling at Cool Cthulhu as Terra approaches)
Kanatash: I still can’t believe how pathetic you are! You used to be feared by all living things and most of your fellow gods! Now look at you!
Cool Cthulhu: (on the verge of tears) Please stop yelling. Can’t we just get along?
Terra: Cool Cthulhu?
Cool Cthulhu: Terra! I was planning on stopping by...
Terra: Man, you have changed. I mean, Kithle told me it was bad, but…
Kanatash: You’ve met before?
Cool Cthulhu: Yeah. Volrath’s father and I go way back. I met her when they came by to visit him.
Terra: You know, there’s something I’ve been meaning to ask you. During the last time, one of my experiments went missing, and-
Cool Cthulhu: I DIDN’T DO IT!!!!
Terra: …what?
Cool Cthulhu: Uh... I mean… um…
Terra: I frickin knew it! That set me back five years!
Cool Cthulhu: But it was mocking me! I had to eat it!
Terra: *sigh* Whatever. But that may explain what happened to you.
Kanatash: What do you mean?
Terra: Well, the plant Cool Cthulhu ate was never designed to be ingested raw, and even processed it should have been taken only in very small amounts. If a mortal had done what he did, it would have killed them at least 17 times and made it impossible to be raised.
Cool Cthulhu: But it was so good!
Kanatash: Wait... so you’re saying that it was so powerful it could fry the brain of a Great Old One?
Terra: Well, that was a possibility at least.
Kanatash: And you felt the need to make this… why?
Terra: Do you need a reason to sow chaos and depravity?
Kanatash: ...good point.
Allen was in the mess hall, quietly eating his third bowl of chili.
"I wonder what the cook put into the chili this time.. It's really quite good." He thinks to himself, not realizing that it was because of the blood component of it. And then...
"Woah.. This bowl is so huge... And this spoon is so small... How am I going to eat it all?" He suddenly says, staring at the third bowl of chili oddly. "I mean, man.. I didn't know bowls were this large! It's like.. it's so big it's small, man...." Allen then collapsed on the floor, because although undead are normally immune to poisons and hallucinogenics, when you combine several things such as blood and dragonshards, you get interesting results all over.
Cabin Boy : Captain.
In the middle of taking a long drought of cure moderate Brandy
Jarlot: !!! Who the hell are you?!?
Cabin Boy: Your cabin has been cleaned as has the lower decks as you ordered before I began my task 2 years ago.
Jarlot: Uh, good, uh what was it I asked you to do next??
Cabin Boy: I believe we were going to...
Interrupted by the arrival of Mickey
Mikey: Captain, you might wanna get out here. Erk's up the mast again (still not sure why we have one) and we can’t convince him he’s not a ... Well if it ain't the boy wonder...
Jarlot: Oh for the love of Myrna!
Cabin Boy: Hi Mikey, how have you been?
Mikey: Ah you know the usual mayhem and debauchery !
Cabin Boy: You know, at some point in your whoring you become a **** yourself
Mikey: You kiddin, kid? I was a **** long before
Mikey: HEY wait a minute!
As Cabin BOY wanders off
Mikey: DID THAT KID JUST CALL ME A ****!! and Worse, did he make me call myself a ****
Terra: Captain, you of all people know you don't eat the same crap as the rest of them. How could I possibly be spiking your food?
Jarlot: I don't know, but I'm positive I'm seeing things! Horrible things - spidery and elusive - that are not meant to be seen by mortal men!
Terra: No, no, that's not me. I've caught Volrath trying to sneak into your room several times. I don't know what he's doing, but I think he's trying to get Kanatash to apprentice him.
Jarlot: Well that's never good... but, um, did you just say "the rest of them?" You mean you don't eat that stuff either?
Terra: Oh, I could if I wanted to, I just don't need to is all. (she pulls out a knarled staff from her cloak) Do you know what this is?
Jarlot: Should I?
Terra: I guess only someone familiar with staves would. This is Treebrother, one of the legacy weapons. Thanks to this, all I really need is about two hours of sunlight a day.
Jarlot: What is it with you and rare items?! I mean the Ring, the grafts, the legacy weapon, somehow blocking psionic attacks, and who knows what else. How do you possibly afford this stuff?
Terra: That will be made clear when and if the time comes. I'm having too much fun messing with the Psions on board to just tell you. Plus, Slip's listening in.
Slip: Damn...(uncloaks and leaves)
Jarlot: How do you DO that! I've known her for years, and still can't tell where she is!
Terra: ...
Jarlot: Ketler, what is that?
Ketler: A time machine.
Jarlot: Why is it shaped like a toaster?
(Toast pops up)
(Captain Zaps away)
Ketler: Because, I... oh hell.
(Jarlot returns, is suddenly possessed of a Moses-like beard)
Jarlot: I've just spent TWO HUNDRED YEARS in the past struggling to get back and living throughout events of the most important periods in history!
Ketler: Err... I hope you didn't change anything.
Jarlot: You mean like murdering most of the crew as babies?
Ketler: Err....
Jarlot: Well I obviously suCool Cthulhueed TOTALLY now did I?
Ketler: Well, at least Sharn's back....
Jarlot: No, that's just the damn gnomes refusing to let go of their investment. I also beat King Jarlot to death and took his place. I told all of my children by many illegitimate wives to arm themselves incredibly, not to trust one another, and refused to name an heir while privately assuring each one they had my support. I'm sure that prevented the Last War.
Ketler: Oh dear.
Jarlot: V... hold up.
V: Hmmm?
Jarlot: Something's happening....
V: The Revolution at last?
Jarlot: V... lean in...
V: Yessir!
PIMP SLAP
(A halo-like glow suddenly engulfs Jarlot)
(Golden Armor +5 appears around him)
(His eyepatch becomes diamond encrusted around the Eye of Vecna at the center)
(His cutlass becomes a +14 Cutlass of Reaving)
(A cape flutters around him of spun moonbeams)
V: OOOoooooooo!
Jarlot: At last, I have achieved... EPIC LEVELS
V: So what now?
Jarlot: Two half-elves at the SAME time.
V: That's it?
Jarlot: Epic levels are pretty much the only way I could get it to happen.
V: ....okay.
Jarlot: I'll also probably drink TWO barrels of ale a day instead of one....
After a hard day of smiting Michael and trying to clean the Redshirt blood off the Silver Flame in the chapel (Volrath is very sloppy), Lisa returns to her room.
Lisa: What's this?
On her pillow, she sees what appears to be a flower. It is deep red and of a type she has never seen. She cautiously picks it up, looking for signs of a trap, but nothing happens.
Lisa: Maybe it really is just a flower...
The fragrance is beautiful, and in the mirror she notices that the color compliments her eyes wonderfully.
Lisa: I wonder who it's from...
Satnak: No matter how this turns out, this will be fun.
Kithle: Oh yes, I see no reason to interfere at this point.
Kanatash: I agree, you're still a bastard, though, Kithle.
Sa'vor: Ditto on both accounts.
Satnak: Though the chili was better without all the hallucinogens, they distract from the taste. I'll delay that talk, in favor of this spectacle.
Kithle: I keep forgetting to ask, why do we have these meetings? I mean at best we try to keep each other out of our own plots, the rest of the time we are rivals or outright enemies.
Sa'vor: Because we are the most powerful people on this Levitating Loony Bin, and we get bored easy.
Kanatash: We might wanna consider some new hobbies.
Satnak: Let's just hold back for now, I'm gonna go see if Norbaz has any of the good chili, not this spiked garbage.
Marish: I hate that everyone fawns over Lisa.
Andrea: You could always KILL her.
Marish: That's your solution to everything.
Andrea: Yes.
Marish: Okay, rig me up some polyjuice potion.
Andrea: This isn't Harry Potter.
Marish: You're like an evil Hermione though.
Andrea: True.
Marish: Something not poisoned.
Andrea: Damn it.
Marish: YAY!
Andrea: In the meantime I shall figure out a horrible Karrnathian noble's vengeance on the Druidess who profanes the necromantic ways of my homeland with her presence.
Marish: Oh dear.
Andrea: I know, I shall SNUB her.
Marish: No wonder you don't appear much in this series.
Satnak enters the kitchen to see Norbaz working over what looks to be a new pot, as it is shinier and more expensive in appearance than anything else in the kitchen that matches it save for the oven and stovetop.
Satnak: Excuse me, Norbaz, but I was wondering if I could acquire some chili? Perhaps without the recent additions.
Norbaz doesn't look up from his machinations over the pot.
Nobaz: Heating cabinet, second shelf from the right, green pot. Should be labled 12 Alarm.
Satnak: Oh, thank you very much... what exactly are you working on?
Norbaz drops some various bubbling fluids into the pot as a ring of blue smoke rises from it.
Norbaz: I'm working on reaching thirteen alarms.
Satnak: Come again?
Norbaz: I'm trying to make Thirteen Alarm Chili, but I'm having trouble doing so considering the special circumstances of my usual blend.
Lifting a pouch, Norbaz begins sprinkling a red powder into the pot, a plume of red smoke erupts from it and the room is filled with a spicy, yet delightfully enthralling aroma. As the scent spreads, Andrea enters the kitchen to see this rising smoke, and Satnak moving a pot of Chili from one of the cabinets as Norbaz watches over the stove.
Andrea: Norbaz, have you seen Terra, I need to have words with her.
Norbaz, surprised and startled by this voice, abrubtly fumbles with the bag in his hand, dumping all its powdered contents into the pot, causing an expulsion of red smoke, and then gouts of green from its top. The air begins smelling less enticing, and more offendingly spiceful.
Norbaz: Uh oh.
Satnak & Andrea: Uh oh?
Norbaz turns the oven fan on full blast and in the process some of the green smoke burns and corrodes his skin. He turns to Satnak and Andrea and shouts.
Norbaz: RUN! I'VE OVERSHOT MY INTENDED ALARMS OF SPICINESS BY A GREAT DEAL!
(A massive, bone-rattling explosion reverberates through the ship.)
V: Anyone feel anything just now?
Bruce Ki: Nope.
Mickey: Nup.
Stupid: ...
Ajihazi: Not I.
Lisa: Huh?
Devon: What rhymes with 'musculature'?
Tony the Tiger: THEY'RRRRRREEEEEE GREAT!
John: Anyone want a hug? Ohh...
Ketler: Wait! It wasn't me that time!
(From someplace near the ship's helm)
Slip: STOP BLOWING HOLES IN MY SHIP!
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