Images

So many disjointed images. Things I see that make no sense.

Rina. She’s bleeding. Why am I cutting her? What’s … is this Harbinger? How did we get here?

“You’re a disgrace. What kind of a person are you, to tell a man that blood turns you on?”

“No, Rina, it was… I never meant it!”

“You meant it enough that the next thing you did was screw him. You enjoyed it, don’t lie to me!”

Is she talking about Carter? I didn’t want to keep him, Rina! He wasn’t mine, he was just… there. He understood. Don’t you get it? Oh God! No! The knife… in my chest. Can’t breathe! Can’t breathe! *gasp* I have to get the knife… I have to…

“I… It was just… a moment, Rina. I didn’t know he was tied to someone; he didn’t act like it! Hell… he *started* it! All I offered was a hot shower and hot food and a bunk!”

“Oh right… And just like that you jump in the sack? You’re no better than Christian. In fact, you’re worse! At least he’s honest about what he is!”

“Rina, no! That’s not true!”

Everything around me shifts.

Where am I now? The ranch… how did I get here?

“You’re not sorry you killed him. You wanted to do it before. Every time he touched Nala, you wanted it to be you. What is it with you and men who don’t belong to you, Nika? You’re so jealous of me, of Nala, that you sleep with our men or kill them because they don’t want you in return?”

“Rina, that’s ridiculous! Nala’s husband was a bastard.”

“Sure, but that didn’t stop you from wanting him.”

“I *never* wanted him. Go away, I don’t want to talk about him anymore!”

I cover my eyes, hoping she’ll vanish and get out of here. I have to be dreaming, this is stupid. Please… please, God, make it all stop.

“Just like you don’t want to talk about lusting after Christian?”

“Now that’s just wrong on too many levels to count,” I shout, uncovering my eyes. We’re standing in the middle of a beach, a coastline I’ve seen before but I can’t remember where. So many planets I’ve only glimpsed during courier runs on the Harbinger. It’s lovely. I see Rina standing there in her stupid coveralls.

“Oh, he’s pretty enough,” Rina tells me.

“Yeah… too pretty by half, and … well, not really … manly.”

Rina laughs. “Well, at least you’re honest about why you don’t want him.”

I’m embarrassed. I like Christian… I think I might even love him, in the way you love a strange sibling that you don’t quite understand. Why are we even talking about him? Is Rina supposed to be my conscience or something? Wow, isn’t that a kick in the ass.

Suddenly I’m back in the med bay of Summer’s Gift. What’s happening? I feel so… out of control. I pry my eyes open and I find Brian and Rina… what the hell are they doing while I lie here dying? My throat feels all closed. I can’t breathe! Why can’t I breathe? I’m choking!! Why aren’t they *doing* anything for me? Help! Help! I can’t breathe! Is she having sex with in him front of my dead body? Why would she have sex with Brian? Rage… I feel such rage. Is this how she felt at finding out that I’d slept with Mike? It was nothing! It was a moment in time, nothing more. Help! I can’t breathe! White-hot pain jolts through me, and I can’t move! Rina! Please? Is this revenge? Why can’t I move? Why won’t you help me? You bitch!

I hurl myself at her with a knife that appears from nowhere, and suddenly Arden is the one I’m stabbing in the stomach, the two of us facing one another in med bay with no one else around. He looks shocked. I’ve cut him and he’s bleeding out, and I stare at him, stunned. “What are you doing here?”

He gasps a reply, “Helping you! Is this how you treat everyone who helps you? You’re always pushing them away, do you like being alone?”

“I’m not alone. I have people!”

“And they’re all a Verse away,” he replies with blood pouring down his front. “Is that the way you want it?”

“I… I don’t know.”

Moving far more slowly than she’d like, Nika jolted awake and tried to scramble out of the bed. The painkillers were wearing off. Her chest burned like fire and she was having trouble breathing, panting with exertion and soaked in sweat. Her braided hair felt like thick rope, strangling her as it tied itself around her neck, and she flung it behind her.

The dreams were not a surprise. She’d suffered traumatic nightmares before, but this? She died on the table. The scar on her chest, as minimal as Arden tried to make it, told the story of just how close it was. And all she could think in this one moment was just how desperately she wanted to go home. The worst part was… she didn’t know where home was anymore. Home to Nala, who loved her unconditionally? Home to Harbinger, which was just a place… except that it wasn’t? Home to Summer’s Gift, which right now felt more like a prison than a home?

The uncertainty alone tore her apart. Crawling up into the far corner of her bunk, Nika curled into a tiny ball and buried her face against her knees, sobbing inconsolably.