Lessons, Part 2
Continued from Lessons, Part One
2130 hrs, ships time
Joshua had a strange, out-of-the-blue, desire to dress up nicer. It was evening time and Rina would probably be ready for him to drop by soon, and he inexplicably wanted to dress up for her. He knew better, of course. Having had the time to think about it, and run the conversation over in his head, he was pretty sure he had misread Rina's intentions earlier. For someone who was supposed to be able to read people, he had been doing a lousy job lately. But that was more likely than the idea that Rina had something serious in mind.
Despite, that, he still had that urge to get dressed up. Then he looked around his empty gray room and at the single decoration, the Alliance uniform hangng on the wall, his onlly change of clothes. He shook his head, a little frustrated with himself. Even if it had been a good idea, it wasn't like he had anything to change into. He walked out the door, leaving his room behind (something he had been doing a lot lately), and headed towards Rina's space. When he got there, he knocked on the door quietly. "Rina, is this a bad time?"
***
I slid my desk drawer shut on the mess I’d just cleared from my bunk--some trade mags, a dirty tee-shirt and a pair of socks--and made sure I had two clean notepads and some pencils ready. The knock on my door made me jump and I looked at my watch.
Good timing.
I heard his query and opened the door on it.
"Nope. You're good. Come in."
I stepped aside to give him room and noticed as he passed that the clothes he wore were looking a bit thin. We need to expand his wardrobe. Maybe Rick has something to spare. I refrained from comment, however, remembering the several occasions I'd been reduced to what I stood in and those occasions when I didn't even have that. Like Salisbury...
Aloud I said, "I can teach you the conversational forms or I can make you literate in the language. Which would you prefer?"
***
"Well, I almost always prefer talking to reading," Joshua said, taking a seat. "But you know the language, so I'm willing to roll with whatever you think works best." He sighed a little internal sigh of relief. He had been right about being wrong. He wasn't completely off his game. He could take some small comfort in that.
***
"Conversational then." I waved Joshua to take a seat on the bunk, it being the more comfortable place to sit, and straddled my desk chair facing him. "But before we do anything, I think I should finish something I started back there. I said I owed you an explanation and I'd like to give it before we go any further. Are you interested in hearing it?"
***
He nodded as he moved to sit on the bunk. "I don't want you to feel like you owe me anything, Rina. If you'd prefer not to give an explanation, you certainly don't have to." He looked at her and cocked his head slightly to the side. "But I can't deny that I'm curious. And I like to listen."
***
I shook my head.
"It's not a matter of owing, but deserving. I'll be as concise as I can." I took a deep breath and continued. "I know I’m hard to pin down. I've seen you trying to suss me out and I wish I could tell you it's simple. It's not. And at the risk of sounding like a dodger, all I can say in my defense is I am the way I am because of my experiences and some of them have left their mark. But to narrow it down, it's like this: I've been on both sides of the war because I was kicked to the curb by one, picked up and redeemed by the other, and because of that process I've managed to come away with some measure of stability. But that stability came at a price. I have serious trust issues with people in general and with men in particular. This past year and a half has forced me to examine the foundations of everything I believe in with regard to relationships and Christian's been a major part of it. And thanks to him, I'm learning to extend my trust to others when I would normally refuse, and I know I'm going to make mistakes and I just...."
Never at ease with discussing my weaknesses, I quit my chair and paced in the narrow confines of the cabin. Three steps to the door, three steps back. Door. Back. Door.
Turn.
"I like you, Joshua. I think you're incredibly decent and that you're trying to get through an insanely hellish time in your life right now, one I can empathize with. The circumstances that landed you here might not have been exactly the same as mine but you and I have something in common: we've both been raped by the Alliance to the point of losing our entire lives in service of their agenda and while I managed to get back a part of mine, you're still searching for yours. I'd like to help you do that. I wouldn't be here if someone hadn't stuck to his guns and believed in me. I can't do any less for you."
I sighed. If taking care of Lem had taught me nothing else, it had taught me that assuming responsibility for an innocent’s welfare was a long-term commitment and not one undertaken lightly. Joshua’s predicament having parallels to mine, however, made it impossible to turn away. So here I was, signing myself up to serve as an emotional mentor. Me, the ship’s resident Twitch.
The Universe possessed a truly twisted sense of humor. Damn her contrary hide.
I gathered my courage with my thoughts and plowed on.
"I realize that I've dropped the ball and given you two different things to deal with instead of one, but they're kind of related. Because of the one, I'm still getting the hang of the other. And that's bound to lead to some confusion sooner or later. I thought giving you a little explanation and a warning would head some of it off and spare you some worry. You have this tendency," and here I grinned wryly and resumed my seat, "to automatically assume it's your fault. Trust me, it won't be. Not all the time. And that's it, really.”
Because if I didn’t stop now, I wouldn’t be able to at all and we’d both drown in the words.
“If you have any points you want clarified, now's the time to ask."
***
"Give me a second?" he asked, not really expecting an answer. When she gave an explanation, she didn't kid around. So as odd as it might feel, he needed to remember his training. This was different, but the same. Gather the information, process the information, figure out what it means.
Start with the last first. She was saying it was ok to be confused. Thank goodness. That seemed a constant state of being these days. But the most immediately interesting part was at the beginning. It was like something falling into place - she had someone she loved. He had thought it would be Christian, perhaps, but her wording suggested otherwise. "Who is he, Rina?" Joshua asked curiously. "Who is your white knight?"
***
I breathed a laugh, perversely relieved to talk about someone else, however briefly.
"Less knight, more cowboy, but you're right it's a 'he'. It's Mike."
***
From her tone, her body language, and the way she phrased things, it was obvious, at least to him, that there were some things she didn't want to talk about...or she just wasn't used to talking about, which maybe equaled the same thing. Or maybe not. Joshua was left uncertain whether she needed or wanted him to push about them or just to stay away. So he went down a safe path. "You love him, he loves you, happily ever after?"
***
"Happily ever after? Me?” I thought that pretty funny. “If I'm lucky, I'll get a Russian ending, but a happy ending? I don't think so." I sobered. "All kidding aside, in order: yes, yes, and not sure but working on it. And there I go again."
I dragged myself back on-topic and continued, knowing my statement needed some explaining.
"I'm cagey about Mike, because of what he does and what I did, both during the war and after it. I can tell you this much: Mike's a spy. A damned good one. And until 18 months ago, no one could touch him if he didn't want them to. But everything turned around when the Feds finally caught him, chemically mind-fucked him, and using the intel they forced out of him, hunted down and executed over 30 sleepers who hadn't been activated yet. And those are just the casualties he's been able to confirm. He's burned, Joshua, burned all the way. There's no going back for him and right now, he's standing where I was 11 years ago. And it kills me that I can't be there for him they way he was for me and the only reason I'm not is he told me to go. To stay with the Gift and meet him after he does one more job. Nika and the others might suspect it, but I haven't told them everything just yet. It's a long term goal Mike's set himself and we both expect it to take years. We have the time. He's forty-two. Hardly decrepit. Neither am I. I have faith in him. It's the closest thing to a religion I've got, and even though last year I had a crisis of faith, I won through it thanks to Christian and Nika. And I was able to put things right with Mike before we parted again. It's hard, but I can live with that. I've had practice."
I snorted softly.
"Tons of practice."
***
Joshua was impressed. It had to take a lot of patience to be separated from the love of your life (and it was written all over her that he was the love of her life) and knowing it might be years before you got back together, be willing to wait it out. Patience wouldn't have been one of the traits he would've immediately associated with Rina. But, he reminded himself, everyone was deeper than they appeared at first glance. He nodded to Rina as an affirmation, indication of his understanding of what she was giving up, while he replayed their earlier conversation in his head, fitting this one into it. Something still didn't click right though.
"I'm going to embarrass myself here, so be prepared for me to blush, but given new information..." he trailed off for a moment. "Earlier, I was reading you wrong,...you weren't flirting with me, right?" He wasn't sure what he wanted her answer to be. Was he really that lonely that he wanted another man's love to be flirting with him, even if it could never go anywhere?
***
"I don't know. I might have been. I haven't had much practice in it." Moment of truth. I paused, wondering how explicit to make it. You've come this far. Take it to the end. I firmed my chin along with my resolve and my voice was quiet when I continued. "When I said we'd both been raped by the Alliance, in my case I meant it literally as well as metaphorically. It was just my bad luck that it was also my first experience and sex being what it is, it changes everything. It left me somewhere very unhealthy and though Mike did what he could to turn that around, I still have room for improvement. The fact that I denied it for a decade didn't do me any favors and Christian helped me own up to that.
"You may be trying to find your way, Joshua, but so am I. The terrain we're negotiating may be different, but the questions are pretty much the same: who am I? where do I end and another person begin? how far can I go before I trespass? how do I get what I need without hurting others and what must I do if I have?"
I ran my fingers through my hair to gain time to think and to let my words sink in. I spoke to the deck to make it easier on both of us.
"So, was I flirting? I might have been. Why? Because unlike a year ago, I understand that walling myself off from people isn't healthy and that flirting is a way around that. So's a simple hug. I'm still learning to divorce normal physical contact from the worst experience of my life and it's hard to… feel it as being anything else.”
I looked up at him.
“And in truth? You looked like you needed some comfort and it was what I felt I could give you. If I made you uncomfortable, I'm sorry. That was never my intention."
***
Joshua couldn't help a sharp intake of breath as Rina calmly stated that she had been raped. It was a sign of how close he had gotten to the crew in so little time that his first reaction was immediate anger, but he quickly worked to suppress it. It lessened how far she had come and she deserved better than that from him. And then she apologized for flirting with him. Didn't she understand that she didn't have to apologize? Maybe not.
"I'm not sure I have the right words, Rina." Joshua put a hand to his mouth for a minute while he gathered his words. "I'm sorry for you and angry at whoever was involved and proud of how far you've obviously come and amazed that you feel the need to apologize. If anything, I should be the one to apologize. As time passes between my escape from Blue Sun and present day, the excitement and newness of it is wearing off. I'm discovering that I'm lonely for what is no longer available to me and I'm grabbing at any sign of being needed, being wanted that I can." He paused again. "To repeat, you shouldn't have to apologize for something that is a good thing for you to be doing. I need to be saying sorry for reading way too much into it."
***
"It's okay, Joshua.” It was, really. “No blood, no foul. I'm not in the habit of wearing my heart on my sleeve and I didn't want to mess things up for you by keeping you in the dark about a few things.And as for the rest of it? I know you'll work it out."
***
Joshua chuckled. "Sorry..." And the chuckle turned into a laugh. "Not laughing at you," he managed to get out in between the laughter. "Was just thinking that Nika would just say I need to get laid. I guess I really do overthink things."
***
“She would,” I snorted and relaxed, back on more familiar ground, and grinned. “If I remember correctly, she said that of me, too. Repeatedly. God knows, she had cause.”
***
Joshua got the laughter under control and got himself settled back down. "Let me ask you a final question, Rina, and then I'll stop with the questions for a while and get started with the learning. Although this one is a whopper." He thought about how he wanted to phrase it. "What can I do for you? From the moment I came on board, the flow has been one way, from you to me. Not just from you, mind you, the entire crew too, but you're here and you're letting me interrogate you. And this is not me feeling sorry. It is kind of selfish because it serves what I need right now." He paused and shook his finger at Rina. "And don't cheap out on me with a variant of 'Be the Best Joshua You Can Be.' - I want to know what I can do that would make you happy and let me give instead of take."
***
Oh no.
The subject of our conversation and the proximity of an attractive and unattached male gave my insides an arousing lurch and for a piercing moment, all I could do was stare at him. Because right now it would be all too easy to turn my head off and let my body do the talking.
“Uhm…”
***
"I'm sorry, that was probably too big of a question." Joshua shifted in his seat on the bunk and his free hand ran through his hair as he looked down at the floor. "I shouldn't have put you on the spot like that." Just because she was answering questions didn't mean she suddenly knew exactly what he should do with himself.
***
Seeing his reaction, something inside me eased and I knew, as sure as I knew my true name, what I would do. That didn’t make it easy, but thanks to Christian and Mike and the past year, I better understood what I was capable of…and now felt ready to share it.
I slowly rose from my chair, slowly so I wouldn't bolt, and pushed it under the desk. There was room at the end of the bunk and I took it and faced Joshua. Before I went further, there was something I needed to know about him.
"You're adept at reading people,” I said evenly. “Tell me what you see and don't sugarcoat it. I hate that and it would disappoint me if you did."
***
This was a little weird. Not sure what Rina was getting at, but if she wanted him to read her (but not to Read her), then he'd do that. He looked her over, saw that she was flushed slightly and it looked like her pupils were a little dilated. There was something about the way the tone of her voice had changed a bit....wait a minute. He replayed his question in his mind again and blushed red all the way to his scalp. "Holy crap, Rina, I didn't mean it that way...I mean, not that I don't find you attractive, because I do, but you weren't really flirting, I mean, I wasn't trying to suggest..." He was rambling and he shut up to concentrate on blushing harder, if that was possible.
***
No faking that reaction.
"Focus, Joshua. Get past the embarrassment and tell me what you see."
Because you really haven't answered my question.
***
Joshua took a deep breath. "I see a beautiful woman who is physically attracted to me. I'm having a harder time focusing than normal, for some reason." That flush he had seen on Rina? He was experiencing it right now. How could he have been such an idiot? She was going to think that was all he could think about. He had to try not to panic and took another deep breath.
***
"Do I scare you?” God. I hope not. “Would it scare you if I gave in to what I wanted right now?"
***
"You don't scare me, Rina," Joshua said slowly. "But I would be lying if I didn't say the idea of being with you physically didn't scare me at least a little, to go along with all the other really pleasant and exciting and nervewracking feelings that are running through me right now. It's pretty obvious how much experience I've had. A real ladies' man, that's me." Yep, killer with the women, for sure. Nothing like telling them that the idea of having sex with them scares you to sweep them off their feet. But it's gotta be honesty for Rina. Nothing else will do. If he knew one thing, he knew that.
***
There you are. Right there.
"Fair enough. I put you on the spot, Joshua, and I'm sorry I did it but I needed to know. And knowing, I'm going to give you something."
I leaned back against the bulkhead, widening the space between us. And for a second I flashed back to another night with another man on my bunk, and the barriers that kept us apart.
"It's crazy and running against type for me to say this, especially so soon after meeting you, but I have to go with my gut: I trust you. More than that, I'm going to promise you something. I promise I won't lay a finger on you that you didn't invite. I'm not a predator. But I'm not a nun either. Mike made it abundantly clear that I was an idiot to hold myself to that standard when I didn't expect him to adhere to it when he wasn't with me. Given his line of work, it would have been impossible so I didn’t even try holding him to it. So here's the thing: if you change your mind and decide you'd like to go down that road with me, I'd be honored. If you'd rather not, I understand. As for what zipped through me a minute ago, don't borrow guilt over it. I'll deal with it. Just try not to read anything more into it if I give you a hug every now and then, okay? Because I really don't think I could stand it if I made your skin crawl by doing it."
***
Joshua had been holding his breath without realizing it and it came out in a big rush. "If you wanna know the ha-ha funny part of this, it was that at one point, I was thinking on how do I give Rina a hug when I think she needs one. I think I'm over worry about that." He laughed a little nervous laugh and then got his voice back to a calmer normal tone. "I can't think of anyone that would be a better choice when I'm ready...that would know what I need...once I get myself together." He couldn't quite get a grasp on how hard that must have been for her - someone with admitted trust issues when it came to men? He wasn't sure he really deserved the trust, but he would do his best to honor it.
***
Relief made my voice thin, even as gratitude gave me the courage to continue.
"Good, because now I know this won't go amiss. Your first lesson in Russian, Joshua."
And without giving myself a chance to back out of it, I leaned over and wrapped my arms around him, and held him. I sank my face into his hair and breathed deep and said:
"Spasiba. It means 'Thank you'."
There's more to explore with Joshua in upcoming entries. See them all using the timeline links below.
Go Back to Lessons, Part 1 | Go to Shadowboxing
Go to Peripatetica - Rina's Journal entry and RP log
Go to Rina's Russian Glossary
Go to Rina's Crew Page
Go to EPISODES or TIMELINE
