Milestone

(Andy and I very quickly found an opening in 309's narrative and this is the result. Thanks, Andy!--Maer)

Thursday, 14 Nov 2010
Kuiper II class, Summer’s Gift
Bayou, Muir
Blue Sun (Qing Long) system
18:30 hrs, local time

I called it quits after the sun went down and the air outside the Gift grew cooler than the inside. Which, considering our power was completely shut down and life support wasn’t on, was a considerable difference. Soaking up the sun throughout the day, our ship’s hull was finally transferring it to the interior spaces and despite the shielding built into her plating, the interior of our girl was like an oven. It was Miranda all over again except…swampier, and in an instant all I wanted was a hot shower to scrub the swamp off me.

“You can watch the swamp monsters if you like, Joshua. I’m hitting the showers.” I said as I quit Nika’s chair on the bridge. I tipped my head at the water outside the windows. “You want to go first? You’ve been marinating in that soup for hours. You won’t want to pick up anything from it.”

 ***

"If you don't mind." Joshua ran the back of his hand across his forehead and it came away dripping with sweat and dirt (grease?). "I feel filthier than I can ever remember feeling."

He got up from his seat where he had been watching those wonderful, monstrous creatures slowly move in the swamp below. Watching them made him feel like he was in an adventure, like in those movies where Dirk Francis, the heroic researcher from the Core, explored some forgotten corner of the Rim. He supposed technically he had been on an adventure since he left Blue Sun, but for the first time he felt like he was controlling his own destiny, which made all the difference.

As he made his way out of the bridge, and passed by Rina, he put his hand on her shoulder, "I won't be but a few minutes. I'll make it quick."

The shower water was lukewarm, which was probably about all the heat that he could take. He scrubbed all the grease and dirt and general swamp slime off and then just let the water run down over him for a bit. Even lukewarm, it was still cooler than the ship was. He stepped out, grabbed a towel, and wrapped it around himself. Raising his voice so it would reach the bridge, he called out, "Give it two minutes, and it is all yours, Rina!"

 ***

The weight of Joshua’s hand on my shoulder felt good and instead of shying away from the reason why, I sat down and examined it. I thought back to the morning I found him curled up in his quarters, hammered mentally and emotionally by the fight going on just outside and unable to bear being touched. The events following had given us little time alone together, and yet I had sensed reluctance on his part to come near me. It made me fear I had irrevocably burned my bridges with him over the break-up. Which, as those sorts of things go, I thought I’d handled well enough but lacking experience of any kind in the matter, my assessment could very well have been faulty.

That feeling was only reinforced when I woke in med bay and found not Joshua but Arden waiting for me. My disappointment was unexpected, painful, and deep. It forced me to my feet sooner than I should have done, but I didn’t want Arden to pick up on my upset and be hurt by it. I just hugged him my thanks and got out of there as fast as I could. And the hits just kept coming—losing our sensors, crashing on Muir, facing repairs in the middle of BFE with little hope of rescue…being alone with Joshua and wondering if we’d ever find our pre-affair footing again. When he’d grabbed me away from the bridge window and taken the grease pencil from my hand, it was the first physical contact we’d had in 48 hours and I admit, even though it had been in reproach, I’d rejoiced in it.

What the hell was wrong with me? Or rather, what was right about Joshua that I wanted to renege on our separation and start over again? Had I a more conventional experience in making relationships, I suppose this situation wouldn’t have thrown me quite so much. Since what I had could hardly be called conventional or even normal, I was stuck trying to make sense of it where others would have navigated the situation with the familiarity I lacked.

I quit the bridge on that thought and went to my quarters to gather my kit together. It was the work of a minute and I was already robed up and waiting when he called out the all-clear. I stepped into the corridor and caught him in his towel and paused on the threshold, skewered by the sight of him still damp from the shower and wishing desperately for God to strike me blind. It would have been preferable than having to suffer the blow to my gut seeing him caused me.

I made myself move and forced a casual tone.

“Thanks.”

 ***

Rina had gotten her things together a little quicker than he had anticipated. He tried to will away the blush that he knew was probably coming . Her tone was casual but looking at her, body language suggested otherwise. Which, of course, wasn't really surprising. She probably thought he was angry with her over the breakup and here he was, sending mixed messages by standing in front of her wearing only a towel.

"Sorry, thought you'd be a bit longer," Joshua said, trying to mimic her casual tone, not wanting to upset her. He moved past her, clutching the towel around him. If he was sending mixed messages now, accidentally dropping the towel would be a hundred times worse.

As he reached the door to his cabin, he paused and turned around. The twisting feeling in his stomach made him realize he hated that she might think he was angry with her. He could at least settle that. "You know I'm not angry with you, right?"

 ***

There was no hiding what I felt. Joshua was a Reader and I wasn't much of a liar. So I told him the truth.

"I'd wondered." I looked down at my bare feet on the deck. "Glad I was wrong."

 ***

"Maybe we could talk about it after we both get dressed?" he asked as he stepped halfway into his room. While he wanted to set things right, it occurred to him the hallway in a towel might not be the best time or place for a long discussion.

 ***

"Sure," I said and got moving. I was grateful my robe was thick enough to hide any physical effect he had on me and I steadfastly refused to dwell on what his cabin door managed to hide. He's only asked to talk, you. Don't read more into it.

The shower was lukewarm, colder than I was accustomed to and to conserve the remaining heat for the others when they got back, I shut off the water after wetting down and scrubbed up. It was a spacer's habit, born of necessity, and as I got clean I wondered if anyone had explained it to Joshua. Maybe you should. What water we've got is all we've got. With the power off, there's no reclaiming more.

Which made me wonder why I'd been given the order to go dark. What the hell kind of rule demands you power down all the way? It was a puzzle and it occupied me all through my clean-up. It also gave me the space I needed to get myself back in hand. When I exited the showers, I felt better able to face Joshua and whatever he wanted to discuss. That feeling only solidified after I'd pulled on my clothes and thus armored in tee-shirt and cargos, I went in search of him.

 ***

Joshua got himself dressed in his one spare set of clothes and put the dirty set aside to wash at some point. Normally, he could wear things for a while before washing them, but the swamp had done a number on them. His room could have been a sauna - even once he was dry, he didn't feel dry. The problem with an enclosed space on an already hot ship, he thought. He decided then to move out to the lounge area, where at least some air from open hatch windows elsewhere on the ship might be circulating.

He moved along the wall of the corridor, using the dim red emergency lighting, thankful his vision was good enough to keep him from falling and hurting himself. Not to mention the embarrassment.

When Rina came looking for him, he was sitting stretched out, wiping copious amounts of sweat from his brow with a spare dishtowel from the galley. "Hey," he said quietly. "I figured it might be slightly cooler here." He looked around in a circle. "Even if it isn't any brighter."

 ***

His remark about the light caught me by surprise. I barely noticed the dark as an impediment, accustomed as I was to our girl brightly lit or dim. God knows, I could make my way around her with my eyes closed and on certain occasions when severely sleep deprived, I had. As it was, the softly glowing fluorescent paint on the doorjambs were guide enough for my footsteps and the red overheads were sufficient for me to see the sweat glistening on Joshua's face.

I'd only just dressed from the shower but I could feel my own sweat trickling down my back and between my breasts and puddling at my waistband.

"Much as I hate to say this, but I think the air outside would be better. Lemme grab something to sit on and we can go topside."

And ducking back to my quarters to grab a blanket and spare sheet from my stores, I suited action to word.

"Come on," I said as I ducked back into the lounge. "We can take the shuttle hatch."

 ***

Joshua nodded, and then realized he shouldn't be relying on visual cues. "Okay, let's go."

He followed her to the shuttle hatch and out onto the top hatch. The air, while not cool, was definitely cooler, and he involuntarily took a deep breath as he relaxed. Stretching his head up a little, he thought he could see another one of those creatures with the grass growing on them. He waited for Rina to get the blanket settled so he could sit down. "Well, a little better, right?"

 ***

"Yeah, it's a dry heat," I snarked, my tone making it quite clear that it wasn't.

I shook out the blanket and then the sheet over it. The blanket would provide the padding while the sheet would keep us cooler and scratch free. My bare feet curling against the heat of the hull, I sat on the impromptu mat gratefully, pulling my knees up and planting my hands behind me. "Still, it's better to braise than stew, right?"

I gave him a wan grin, pleased I was able to throw in a cooking conceit, even as I regretted how well it applied. I really, truly, utterly and completely loathed humid hot weather. It made me irritable and brusque even under the best of conditions and I didn't want to burden Joshua with the bad mood I knew the weather would force on me.

"There's room for two on here. No need to stand there and melt."

 ***

He walked over and lowered himself down to the blanket slowly, crossing his legs underneath him as he got settled near Rina. "Outdoors and a blanket," he commented with a chuckle. "All we need is some food and we could have a picnic."

He looked at her there for a moment, and pictured her outdoors somewhere with grass and apple trees, with a picnic basket and a bottle of wine by her side. Then he started imagining her in a low cut sun dress and shook his head. Not for you anymore, remember?

Time to focus, he thought. He leaned forward a little and put a hand on her knee. "I'm sorry if you thought I was angry with you. I wasn't. I was just...raw." He paused for a second to think about how to frame it for her. "I had been tapping into raw emotional footage, no filter, no nothing. Ever been so on edge, so sensitive, that anything, good or bad sets you off? It was like that. I couldn't handle the kind of emotional shockwave having you around would cause. I'm sorry if I hurt you." Even if they were broken up, he wasn't going to stop caring...stop loving. He would just have to learn to adjust.

 ***

"Not that way, no," I said, appalled, thinking how as a crew we felt what we felt without considering how Joshua would receive us. Not even the warmth of his hand on my knee made much of a dent in my dismay. "I thought your meds...? Didn't they work?"

 ***

"Umm," he fumbled for words for a second. He didn't really want to admit that he had only been taking his drugs every other day. But then he remembered the conversation he had with her in the engine room before they kissed for the first time.

"I'll keep the secrets that aren't mine, the ones I've been trusted with. But I don't want to put myself in a position where I'm hiding things from the crew...from my friends."He had meant it then and he wasn't going to back down from it now. Especially not with Rina.

"Shit. I was hoping you wouldn't think to ask." He took a deep breath and exhaled.

 ***

Internal alarms started ringing as the obscenity left his lips, even as his hand made itself felt on my knee, the warmth of him sending little thrills down my thigh... and deeper. I thought back to what I'd seen on his desk the night I'd taken him drunk to his quarters, gauged the amount, did the math. "We were two days on New Canaan. Did you look to resupply then? How many days do you have left?"

 ***

"I didn't actually resupply then. I still have 12 doses left and I've been taking them...just not every day." He said the last part quietly, a little ashamed to get caught red handed. For someone that spent his career basically lying to other people about who he was, he wasn't very good at it with his own life.

"And that incident with Brian was the only time I've read anyone that I haven't meant to. It hasn't really affected me in a bad way all that much." That was what he told himself anyway.

 ***

" 'All that much'?" I echoed, horrified for him and knowing every last bit of it showed. "You were on the floor. Curled up in pain. You told me to--," I added but stopped myself before I could say it. 'Don't touch me'. After all, the man was there. He already knew what he'd said. What he'd felt. And realizing that, I also realized I hadn't been entirely accurate when I'd said I'd never been pushed to that extreme. I had.

Tell him about it later. Deal with what's in front of you first.

"So. Onward. We have 12 doses left. By your method, we can stretch it to 24 days. That's three weeks. That can take us all the way to Pericles Station if necessary. I'd rather we didn't, though. Highgate's got a good hospital. Chances are they'll have what you need there. Unless.... just how hard is Flomoxipan to get? I know it's probably harder than aspirin but surely not so hard as something really exotic. Right?"

 ***

Absentmindedly, he moved his hand down from Rina's knee to her bare feet and lifted her left foot onto his crossed legs, where he started gently rubbing the sole of her foot. "I mean, yes, I was really hurting then, but that was the only time." So far.

"I can buy it legally some places. It wasn't legal on Meridian, for example. And if I continue taking it every other day, we'll need to buy less and that will save us spending credits we don't have." He, of course, had other reasons than price to lower his dosage, but price made a convenient cover story and almost sound justifiable.

Then he looked down from her face and realized what he was doing. He quietly stopped rubbing while shaking his head. "Sorry, wasn't paying attention."

 ***

As he dug his fingers into the ball of my foot I nearly went boneless and moaned. As it was, my hands fisted on the blanket, wrinkling the sheet, and it was a minute before I could trust myself to speak. Thinking about his meds helped. Thinking on the likelihood of getting him somewhere he could purchase more helped. Thinking on the floating monsters in the water and calculating their mass and velocity against our ship’s ability to withstand their ramming it helped.

“Don’t worry about the money. We’ve got the ship. We’ve got valuable skills. Both can go toward paying off the bill. Just…just tell me one thing,” I added when he apologized, hoping I didn’t insult him with what I had to ask next. “Does being with me bother you now?”

 ***

"Bother? No..." he trailed off.

He pulled his hands in closer to him. "I just haven't the chance to adjust yet, you know? I've not figured out yet how, in a situation that isn't official crew business, to adjust how I feel about you. Your presence is like sticking a bottle of wine in front of a newly sober alcoholic."

He shrugged softly. "It has only been a couple days, after all. We broke up on the 12th and today's the 14th. It's my birthday, did you know that? I don't think I told you that. Been an eventful birthday so far, with the crash landing and all. Change of pace." He looked out into the darkness of trees and swamp. Not where he would've pictured himself a year ago, but that wasn't necessarily a bad thing.

 ***

It wasn’t exactly what I’d meant, being more afraid I affected him as Brian had that morning—mind to mind, with nowhere to go to escape—but his description of the wine bottle was telling enough. When he pulled his hands away, I eased my foot from his lap to give him some space.

“I didn’t know it was your birthday,” I said softly. “Had I known, I’d have had something for you. Something nicer than breaking up with me, surely, and as far as that goes, I’m not entirely certain I handled it well. I’m sorry.”

 ***

"Why? You handled it just fine. I mean, I'm able to sit here talking with you, right?"

 ***

"True. It's better than the cold shoulder, but you can't tell me you not hurting."

 ***

Joshua nodded softly. "Yes, but there was nothing you could've done to prevent that. And feeling that hurt just makes me more real." He looked at her closely, taking in the lines of her face. How was he supposed to adjust to having her nearby without being with her? He didn't know, but he needed to find an answer.

"You know, that's the reason I'm only taking the drugs every other day. I feel more when I don't take them." He refrained from mentioning that he started spacing his doses shortly after they got started. Rina would feel guilty, which wasn't the point, nor the truth.

 ***

'Hurt just makes me more real.'

I couldn't say anything to that, not just then. I bit my lip, closed my eyes, and tried to think of what to say. There was so much more to living than enduring pain, I knew, despite our current circumstances. Yet in the months since Joshua joined us, when had he been given the opportunity to experience anything else? He'd gone from the pain of finding his way toward some semblance of identity without Blue Sun, to the pain of doubting the very existence of his humanity and soul, to the pain of having his heart broken by me. Precious few moments of unalloyed pleasure lay here and there, tucked into the spaces between. Cooking. Helping me in the engine room...and other things.

To take my mind off those other things, maddening when he sat so close, I focused on the latter half of his statement.

"You say you feel more when you're off your meds. Does that mean you feel the good more as well as the bad?"

 ***

"Yes, yes, and more yes. The good is more good and the bad is more bad. Or maybe it’s just that I'm experiencing them closer to what they actually are, and not what the drug dulls them to. I don't know." Is there such a thing as normal feelings? How would I even know?

He motioned out to the swamp. "I get to experience life unfiltered, or maybe a little less filtered."

"I got to experience you unfiltered. I said it before. That's worth all the pain." He wasn't making this any easier on himself. Or on her. But he couldn't seem to stop himself.

 ***

I thought back to the ten days we'd spent in captivity, when the Lenore crew took us hostage. Ten days where Joshua had gone without his meds. It only started getting hairy after the second day and unless he kept back more than he told us, what he'd suffered hadn't been from our memories and actions, but those of the Lenore crew. Piracy would certainly resonate harsher than the humdrum mechanics of earning an honest living. And thinking on that made me wonder...

"What if the purpose of the meds isn't to keep you from dying, but rather to keep you from getting sucked in? Like during Brian's fight with Arden. Or during the time we were locked up by Lenore's crew? Or the way you make me feel here and now?"

That last slipped out before I could stop it and once uttered, I couldn't call the words back.

Damn.

I got to experience you unfiltered, he'd said. And here I was, a bundle of nerves and frustration. Hardly comfortable company. "Joshua, are you off your meds right now?"

 ***

"I'm on day 2 if that's what you're asking. I'm due to give myself a dose tonight before bed."

As he answered her last question, he rolled back through the conversation in his head. Suddenly a connection popped into place and he realized what she was really asking. Startled, he put up his hands in front of him in denial. "When I say I'm feeling, I mean I'm feeling what I feel, not what you do. Brian was the exception because of the intensity level. You have to throw me off this ship if you think I'm making a conscious effort to read the crew. I still have to filter. It's like a door on my mind that I keep closed. Brian had a battering ram."

He looked at her plaintively. "I'm not trying to get a high off other people's feelings, Rina, I promise. I'm just trying to experience my own. If I make you feel squeamish or nervous or angry because of that, I'm so so sorry. I'll go back to the daily doses if that's what it takes."

 ***

"Joshua, stop." I reached over and grabbed his hand, gave it a squeeze. "You're falling all over yourself. Stop. Breathe."

When I was sure he wasn't going to launch himself over the side, I squeezed his hand again and let go.

"I never thought you would. It didn't occur to me that you could unless you were off your meds, like when we were locked up. Or, as I found out two days ago, with Brian's anger. I...." I paused, wanting to choose my words carefully. "Think for minute. If you're doing this to experience life unfiltered, consider you're also doing it without protection, the sort of protection the rest of us...head-blind people naturally have. If you're vulnerable like that morning, Joshua, you can be crippled without anyone firing a shot. All they'd need do is put someone in range of you and let them go to town in your mind...and then where would you be? Out here? I don't think there's much chance of that happening. But once we get back to civilization? It's a risk. Please, if you can't think offensively, think defensively."

I was about to trespass with my next statement, but I couldn't in good conscience let this go without mentioning it, on the off-chance it had never occurred to him.

"Torture. Rape. Imprisonment. Someone like me can endure it, survive it, by running away from it in our heads. If someone batters open that door in your mind, Joshua, where else can you go? Where can you sit it out? How will you endure? What's left for you to come back to when it's over?" Taking a deep breath, I continued. "I'm not trying to ... to scare you or push you away or make you believe you're a monster or a burden. I just want to...to take steps so that whatever Brian did, however unintentionally, never happens to you again. That kind of ...violation… is just about the most evil thing I can think you could do to an innocent, short of killing him. I just....," I ran out of words, of justification for my prying, and in the end had to shrug and hope it conveyed what I felt.

 ***

He sighed a breath of relief when she reached over and squeezed his hand. It could have been so easy for her to be upset. But as she kept talking, he found himself getting upset. Not at her, but at the ugly truth that she was pointing out to him. "So, my choice is between living my life with my emotions in a dull cloud, or potentially getting my mind destroyed."

He lowered his head as a bit of a scowl crossed his face. "Hardly seems fair," he said quietly.

 ***

"Or we can strengthen your defenses. Teach you some offense. Everything we do, Joshua, is the result of thought, of our brains telling our bodies what to do. Athletes train to incredible physical extremes to accomplish incredible goals. Why should the mind be any different? The point is--you have the choice, and the power it gives you, to take precautions and still live life to the fullest. It doesn't have to be an either/or. It can be an 'also'."

I took up both his hands and gave them a little shake.

"There's got to be a way. We just have to find it."

 ***

Joshua wasn't sure he wanted to learn offense. Like learning how to shoot a gun, what was the point if he didn't intend to use it? And he couldn't imagine trying to really hurt someone else with his mind. But the other option..."How do I learn a skill where there is nobody to teach me?"

As he asked, he rubbed her hands between his, enjoying the small contact. He knew he was weak, but he would take what she was willing to give.

 ***

"Start with what you know. Extrapolate. Push the envelope a little. Observe what happens. Glean your data. Jigger." I cut loose a pent breath and shook my head. "I don't have the answers. I barely have a hypothesis to prove or disprove. I just can't stop seeing you on the floor, Joshua, in so much pain that you could barely breathe. I don't ever want you to go through that again. If you had to, I'd rather it be joy."

 ***

How like an engineer, he thought. Extrapolate, adjust, observe, fix. But he had practice at observing. It was just the rest of it Joshua didn't know. He just needed to learn how to start creating his own solutions rather than having them handed to him. He could do that, he thought.

"I don't seek out pain, Rina. I'd rather have the joy too." He held her hands tighter, a serious look on his face. "This moment is a small joy, sitting on the roof of a ship, looking out into a planet I've never been on, sitting beside someone I love. I'm trying to teach myself how to appreciate all the moments, both joyful and painful, exciting and dull, small and large."

He laughed a little, his eyes twinkling. "But I can't deny I'd rather have joy and excitement in larger doses than everything else."

 ***

I listened to his words and took in his mien, and thanked God I hadn’t botched it. Relief made me limp.

“Who wouldn’t?” I breathed. Someone I love, he’d said. A month ago, hearing that from him would have pushed me away and right into the water. Hearing it now made me glad and stay fast to the hull. To him. And something unfurled inside, and I understood something that had eluded me, a puzzle piece that finally slid home with a click.

In giving myself to Joshua, however much I wanted to do something kind, something heartfelt and human, I had always at the back of my mind wondered if somehow Christian had gotten it wrong. That love really was a zero sum game, that one had only so much love to bestow and the more you gave, the more it fragmented. My love for Mike—was it lessened? Under Christian’s careful wing, it hadn’t. And now, with Joshua beside me, I realized that love doesn’t lessen, it multiplies. I had Mike and Joshua. As I’d said to Joshua, it wasn’t an either/or, it was an also. And while my commitment to Mike remained unchanged, I found I had one to Joshua as well. A different one, but a commitment nonetheless. One that didn’t detract or compete. It was simultaneously breathtakingly simple and incredibly complex and for a moment it made me dizzy as I tried to take it all in.

I tipped my face Heavenward and offered up silent gratitude for such a gift…and realized for it to be complete, I had to share it.

"There are as many kinds of love as there are stars in the sky, Joshua. You may not have my love exclusively, but you do have it uniquely. It doesn't detract from my love for Mike, it just....parallels it. It's taken me a long time to realize that, and I couldn't have done it without you. I meant it when I said you would always be special to me. This is one of the reasons why."

 ***

Did she just say that she loved him?

Joshua was very quiet for a while as he tried to take it in and get what she was trying to say. Until now, he hadn't been sure if she understood why it was okay for him to love her. That she had given him the ability to fall in love even deeper some day with someone who could commit to him forever. That the human heart was infinitely deep.

He would always keep a piece of her in his heart no matter what happened. And it sounded to him like she would do the same. He smiled a huge smile. "That's the best birthday gift you could ever give me, Rina." And he leaned his head down and kissed her hand, suddenly deliriously happy.

 ***

"Many happy returns of the day, Joshua." I turned my palm up and cupped his face, raised it toward mine. "And may they always be with someone you love."

 ***

"For now, I'm just going to enjoy this moment." And Joshua leaned forward and gave her a very soft, lingering kiss on the lips. Even if they were broken up, he wanted that kiss, that moment, that memory.

 ***

His lips were warm and soft, his kiss tender, and it drew me from myself like no other. But this was his moment, his memory. His choice. So I closed my eyes, let the kiss end where he wished and felt the peace of it settle around me like a benediction, a blessing from the Universe made manifest in the flesh and blood of the man beside me.

What had the Abbot said so many years ago one late summer day, as I stood poised on the threshold between old life and new?

Unfolding as it should, he'd said.

And for once, I didn't doubt it. I believed. And it was enough.

 ***

Since this season turned out to be RP heavy, it's only fair to include the link to everyone's efforts.

Go back to Janus Gambit | Skip to Command.
Go to Peripatetica - Rina's Journal entry and RP log
Go to Rina's Russian Glossary
Go to Rina's Crew Page
Go to EPISODES or TIMELINE