On Death and Decisions
There are still people on the ground!
Earth quaking around us. Volcano spewing ash, the ground cracking. The ship shuddering as though in death throes.
Six men on the ground running for the ship.
Rina and Joshua disappearing in lava flows.
Nika sat bolt upright choking back screams for the second time in three hours. Trembling ferociously in the cool air of the ship, her tank top soaked through with sweat, she pulled her knees to her chest and buried her face in them. Her heavy mass of hair tumbled around her in messy waves, and she shoved it back as she sucked in a shuddering breath. It was 3:02 am. She wasn't going to get any additional sleep tonight. Shoving herself out of the bed, the pilot located dry clothes by the dim nightlight on the wall and stepped out of her quarters heading for the kitchen. Maybe a stiff drink would at least help her unwind.
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The kitchen was quiet at this time of night. Of course, the whole ship was quiet at this time of night, but the kitchen seemed shielded from the rest of the ship's general noises. None of the machine noises from the engine room or instrument beeping from the bridge. Or maybe, Joshua thought as he sat at the table, you're just used to the noise. He had been sleeping restlessly, not really dreaming but not really getting real sleep either. So he had managed to slip from the bed without disturbing Rina and grabbed his pencils and paper. The pad sat in front of him, filled with partially done sketches of various pieces of the galley. A pot here, a knife there. If he had been serious about the work, he would've focused on one thing. But really, Joshua just wanted to give his mind something to focus on so it could settle down.
When Nika entered, he looked up at her and frowned a little. She looked worn, but that shouldn't have surprised him. If she was up at this hour, her rest probably wasn't very good either. "Not sleeping either?" he asked her. Then he noticed she was heading for the liquor cabinet. Guess that answers that question.
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Nika paused at spotting him there, and she resumed her path to the cabinet with a brief grunt of acknowledgment. Only after pouring a glass half-full of the last whiskey bottle in the cabinet does she walk slowly toward the table where he sits. A brief glance at the paper tells her he's not working too hard. "Crappy night," she admitted, slouching into the chair across from him. "Rough week. Rina sleeping?" She hoped the engineer was -- it had been an awful couple of days for everyone, really.
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Joshua nodded. "Like a baby." Which he was glad for. She oftentimes pushed herself too fast and too hard and let herself suffer for it, but the events on Puck demanded that she keep it calmer. Joshua still hadn't really figured out how to handle how close he had come to dying out there. So for the moment, he was ignoring it and focusing on making sure Rina didn't throw herself out of whack.
"Wanna talk? The door is open." He knew Nika often preferred to keep it to herself, but he figured he'd let her know he was happy to chat. Anything to keep his mind moving.
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Nika was quiet, taking a healthy swallow of her drink and letting it burn its way to her gut before answering. When she finally spoke, her tone was stark. "A volcanic planet is bringing back some bad moments.... hard choices." Leaving the miners to die when maybe she didn't have to. "That stunt we pulled?" She looked up at him, the eyes she was given the dark blue of deep, clear ocean. "It should have killed you both. I made the choice knowing that you might not make it out." And she's not apologizing for that... but clearly it's giving her some tough moments.
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Joshua nodded. "For the first time in my life, I really thought I might die." Despite all his daring (some would say foolhardy) adventures and risks, Joshua had never really felt like he had a chance to die. He had felt invulnerable, always on top. But trapped there, with no way to move and no sounds of rescue? He scribbled a little on the paper, a little fire and rubble before aggressively scratching it out.
"But you made the right decision, correct? I mean, being pinned I couldn't really see how things unfolded, but from what everyone's said, it sounded like a 50% chance to save us was about 50% more than any other possible plan."
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"It was the right decision," Nika acknowledged softly. "It was... the only decision." She took another long swallow, letting the alcohol burn its way in a trickle down her throat so she didn't have to talk for a time. "But it's the second time in half a year that I've made decisions where the most likely outcome was death for the people I left behind. Sheer stupid luck that in this case you guys didn't die."
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"Being out in the Black is a risky business sometimes." Joshua looked at Nika and tried to give her an encouraging smile but the seriousness of his mood dulled the effect a little. But he thought she still got the idea. "All we can ask is that you, to the best of your abilities, make the right decision. So far, so good."
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Setting the glass down with some of the liquid still in it, Nika looked at him and asked quietly, "Why the hell are you people willing to follow someone like me to your gorram death, Joshua?" She shakes her head. "With crew still on the ground, I was ... willing to kill you both. What the hell?"
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"No," Joshua firmly disagreed. "You weren't willing to kill us....you were willing to save us. We follow you because we have faith in you to not leave us behind when things get tough. We have faith that you'll make hard decisions when they need making. And you know why we have faith?" he asked as he reached out and put his hand over hers. "We're family and family sticks together."
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Nika twined her fingers into his. "Gorram pigheaded crew," she murmured with a small smile. She looked at him. "Y'all are family. And making that call ... was the hardest thing I've ever done. Including putting a bullet in some guy's head because he might have been a threat. This was worse. And if you hadn't made it out, I'm not sure I'd have been able to keep on goin', Joshua."
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"You would have," Joshua said confidently. "Arden and Kiera and Beggar would've needed you. But there isn't a lot of point in dwelling on the what ifs. We just need to stay focused on the what nows." Hopefully the job to Sho-Je Downs would lead to something bigger. Hard to run jobs for the Browncoats, he thought wryly, if half your ship was without gravity.
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Nika's emotional state was still not the best. Decisions she's making are killing people. Not because they're bad people, but because she has to choose... who gets to live and who gets to die. She did not feel the most qualified to make those choices, and in the end... the fact that Joshua and Rina simply accepted that whatever she was going to do might kill them scares the hell out of her. Yet she bit her tongue on it, not sharing those thoughts. "We need a decent job at the Downs," she murmured. "The repairs are extensive."
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Tell me about it, he thought. Repairs to the Equinox were going to cost 2000 credits or more and they had approximately 50 credits in the ship's fund. Such was life on the edge. But give him this over a comfortable controlled life any day of the week and twice on Sundays. "Yeah, it'll be a bit expensive to fix her. But I'm happy to pay it, considering the alternative."
He squeezed her hand again and looked her over. She wasn't saying it, but it was clear she was still feeling off about the whole mess. Which brought up an interesting question...
"Nika, you do realize that signing up for the Browncoats is going to put the ship and crew in more risky situations, right? I'm okay with that, but are you?"
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Nika smiled slightly. "I'm okay with risky situations, Joshua. I'm just.... " She paused and looked at the ceiling. "I've been the pilot when people've had to be left behind for one reason or another. But I never had to make those decisions personally. It's... difficult." She squeezed his hand. "I left miners on the ground... and they died. This time it was part of my crew that I had to decide whether to risk. I'm ... still assimilating that I made that call. It... was the right one, but it's... hard. To realize that there may come a time where I have to choose to sacrifice some for the rest." She grimaced.
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He nodded. "Making the calls in theory isn't the same as making them in reality. But you wouldn't want anyone else making them."
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Nika thought about that remark and then she had to laugh. "Anyone else ever suggested leaving the two of you behind, no matter the circumstances, and I'd probably have put a bullet in them," she admitted. Shaking her head, she looked at him. "Now what kinda messed-up crap is that?" She's sort of amused at her own double standard. But there you have it.
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"As I have discovered since leaving Blue Sun, they call that messed-up crap Life. But, hey, it's a hell of a ride." Joshua smirked as he stood up and walked over to the counter to adjust the coffee machine. Couple of hours before people would start wanting their morning jolt. He looked back over at Nika and motioned at the pot of coffee. "Caffeine to wash down your alcohol, Captain?"
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Realizing that she felt far better now than she had when she first poured her drink, Nika's smile quirked her lips. "You always find the right things to say," she murmured. "Coffee'd be real nice, thanks." He always seemed to find the right way around the back end of her moods.
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He poured her a cup of coffee and set it front of her before sitting back down. "You're always there for us...for me, Nika. Least I can do is to come up with some words that lets you how much that means."
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Leaning back in her chair, Nika sighed quietly and murmured, "I wish I could tell you it made everything better, Joshua. But thank you... it means a lot to me to know that you guys feel like I'm ... doing all right." It didn't make the choices any easier, but at least she could sleep.
Go back to: Season Six, Aug 2522 to --
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