Reckoning
(In which Andy and I cowboy up and do the right thing. Thanks, Andy!--Maer)
Monday, 11 Nov 2520
Kuiper II class, Summer’s Gift
PDF Decatur, Meridian
Blue Sun (Qing Long) system
2100hrs, ships time
It was late and after passing on Shyla's summons to Nika, I went looking for Joshua. A quick ask-around failed to turn him up and I went to the only other place I thought he'd go: home.
I stepped aboard Summer's Gift and stood in airlock, listening. Nothing pinged my radar. I hauled up the stairs to the lower deck and did a quick turn around the spaces there. Nothing. The ship lay quiet, docked to Decatur and floating along with her. I hit the stairs for the upper deck and headed for the galley.
Over the months and years aboard our girl, the crew members had claimed certain spaces and made them theirs. Rick had his arboretum container and walking inside you can get a definite feel for the man that tended it. Raw and earthy, cocky and alive--just like the plants and animals he kept there. The bridge was all Nika's, acquiring something indefinable that announced this space was hers. The engine room and the workshop were mine and I'd get to them in a minute. But first I wanted to check the galley—Joshua's territory—to see what I could find there.
Crossing the threshold, I was immediately struck by its neatness and precision, and the little tells of his internal landscape discernable in it. The spice jars in their rack were a good indicator. He tended to reach for the jars without looking at their labels and keeping them in strict order was a must. If they were lined up by category and by frequency of use, everything was fine. If they were just shoved in, not so fine.
The spice jars were as he habitually left them. But the galley did not feel fine. Whatever bit of his spirit he'd imbued the place with sat uneasily on me. And after a second I understood why: he wasn't in here cooking off his stress. I already knew he wasn't working it off in the gym. That room had come up empty in my turn around the lower deck.
That left his cabin...which I confirmed by quickly walking through the aft section of the Gift without turning him up. I left the head after finding it unoccupied and resigned myself to knocking on his door.
A ship ran by rules both spoken and unspoken, and a successful ship was one that managed to observe both. Had Joshua felt able to deal with anyone approaching, he'd have been in the more public areas of the Gift. The galley, the lounge or the gym below decks. Visiting him in his room, however, required a little more subtlety. Something I'm not known for. And wasn't likely to start now. I knocked on his door and called his name.
"Joshua?"
Joshua was sitting at his desk, sketching when he heard Rina's voice calling him. "Just a second, please." He took his sketch and pencils and stored them away inside the drawer underneath his bunk. While he wasn't finished with her Christmas present, it was certainly far enough along that he didn't want her to see it.
He stood up from his chair, faced the door and took a deep breath. As usual with Rina, he was not sure what the hell he was feeling. He loved spending time with her, but he wasn't sure he was up to the conversation they probably needed to have. Looking at his watch, he realized he had been buried in his room for hours. Had even missed dinner. Thankfully, he wasn't the one fixing it while they were on the Decatur.
Joshua walked over and opened the door. "Did you want to come in, or were you just checking to make sure I hadn't vanished?"
I heard his tone and took in the line of him, saw the disconnect and faltered crossing the threshold. Then I pulled it together and came all the way in so he could close the door. It was a tight squeeze and a distracting one, but I got around him and leaned against the bulkhead. I crossed my arms and ankles and looked at him square.
"Why are you hiding?"
Had he been that obvious? Or was he just a wide open book to Rina? "From you, or from the Decatur?" he asked quietly, as he walked over and sat on the bunk. Being close to her was a temptation he didn't need right now. A little distance probably wouldn't hurt.
So that’s the way it is, is it? Fine.
I stuck to the bulkhead and considered his question. From me? Or from Decatur? he’d asked. God knows, the situation between Nika and Brian was a powder keg waiting for the spark to set it off. Joshua disliked controversy and I couldn’t blame him. When the shit hit the fan between those two, I didn’t want to be anywhere near it. But the fact that Joshua included me in his query told me Nika and Brian wasn’t the only powder keg on deck. Not for him.
And in truth, I knew this matter had to be addressed eventually, had known it the second we’d lifted off Highgate for Meridian where I knew Decatur would be waiting. In that Byzantine-insane manner I had for connecting the dots where it concerned Mike, I’d already assumed that because he’d been connected to Shyla and Harbinger’s crew from the war, chances were better than slim that I might find him aboard Decatur when I got there. Major Tanner’s camera feed only supported it in my head, if not in fact, and my conversation with Shyla Kramer after dinner confirmed my instincts had been right.
“If I had to guess, I’d say both. If only for different reasons.” I tilted my head and looked at him, trying for a neutral expression. Only God and Joshua knew if I managed it. “Why don’t we tackle the one that bothers you most and go on from there?”
They were interlinked, he couldn't deny it. It had been bothering him since the fight on the bridge in the middle of the Cassandra event. He looked up at her eyes from where he sat on the bunk. "Watching Brian and Nika...I just..." He paused. Brian and Nika were the symptom, not the cause. "Rina, do you regret sleeping with me?" he asked in a serious tone.
"No." So that's it. “No regrets on that score.”
I mentally rolled up my sleeves and got ready to do some digging. This relationship was, I reflected, something completely new to me for reasons beyond the obvious physical elements. Given my history and my experience I was simultaneously the mentor, the initiator, and the love object. It was a unique matter of multitasking and I wondered if that was how everyone else in the Verse managed it.
“What I regret is causing you any upset over it. Have I?”
He shook his head curtly. "No, you haven't done anything. Just watching Brian and Nika makes me wonder. Am I potentially screwing up your long term happiness? I know you don't feel about me the same way you do about Mike. But what if Mike is angry about you sleeping with me? What if I have messed things up for you?"
When all this had started, he hadn't thought about what happened if Rina was wrong about how Mike would feel. Joshua had just assumed that she would know best. But Nika had thought about Brian too. Different circumstances, perhaps, but then again, they didn't know what was happening with Mike right now either.
In other words, yes, I have.
Shit.
“Look,” I sighed. “What Mike thinks about this is his own responsibility, not yours. And when the time comes, I’ll step up to the plate and tell him the truth: it was my idea, from start to finish, and I believe my idea was a good one. One that he’d understand, if not agree with. Again, not your responsibility. It’s my fault if things go sideways between Mike and me and I accepted that risk going in.” I slid down the bulkhead until I sat on the floor, elbows on my knees. “Maybe I should have made it clearer to you in the beginning and it looks like I didn’t. I’m sorry, Joshua, but this….this position of being a …mentor and a lover at the same time, and with someone not Mike? It’s new to me and I’m still learning as I go. I’m bound to make a misstep or two. I’m very sorry if I upset you doing it.”
Which was the truth. I wanted to get over there and show him how much I wished I’d handled this better but I knew that if I did, it would look manipulative, calculating. So I stayed put against the wall and gave him the space to think it over without undue pressure from me.
God, is this what it was like for Mike with me on Salisbury? The man’s a saint.
He stood up, his hands moving in small agitated motions."But it's not your fault. You explained it clearly enough." He needed to make her understand. "I can't keep letting people absolve me of the blame for the messes I'm responsible for. If I've messed up your relationship because I wasn't thinking, then how I am any different from the way my life was before?"
He unconsciously stepped forward towards Rina. "I don't regret sleeping with you, Rina. How could I? But I feel like I'm using someone else's coin for the price that has to be paid." He ran his hand through his hair. "Ah hell."
"Unless you want to claim the sin of pigheadedness, you can't turn down absolution for a sin you didn't commit. You wanna explain to me how any of this is your fault?"
I tried to keep my temper in check but a bit of it surfaced anyway.
After all, I'm no saint. Not even close.
"Not a zero sum game, Rina. You can have some of the blame, but I have to take some of it." He took another step closer. "God only knows that I love...being with you. But I have to take responsibility where it belongs to me." Even now, feeling guilty and a little bit angry at someone (Rina, the world?), he still wanted her.
"Do you think Mike won't blame me at all if he decides to get pissed about it?"
I scooted back up to my feet and frowned at him.
“Obviously I’m missing something—just what are you responsible for, Joshua?”
Joshua stepped a little closer until he was almost right on top of her. Then he looked down at her with a deep stare for a minute. "Think carefully, Rina. Are you saying that you took advantage of me, used me, without any free will on my part?"
"No." I stared at him, appalled, and knew there was no hiding what I felt. "Without free will, it's—." Rape. Plain and simple. "I wouldn't, couldn't do that. Are you saying I did?"
I clutched the bulkhead, transfixed by a single thought: Oh God, had I?
"No, that's what I'm trying to say." Joshua paused for a minute to gather his thoughts. If he didn't get this right, she was going to be permanently hurt and he didn't want that. "I'm saying that if you say I have no blame, that I have no responsibility, then you're saying I had no free will or choice. We both know that's not true. I gladly, of my own free will, chose to be with you. And I would do it again. But that also means I have to take my share of the blame for any consequences."
He reached out to put his hand on her shoulder, slowly, not wanting to spook her. "I thought I had a grasp on all the consequences, but obviously I hadn't. And I'm trying to adjust." He looked her up and down, and lightening his tone in hopes of easing her down, said, "And half the problem is the thought of not being with you again, because you do things to me that I've never experienced before."
The moment had changed in a flash from my calling myself a rapist to him calling me—what, I couldn't say, beyond something obviously too important to give up--and I simply wasn't up to the task of switching gears that quickly. Remorse, shame, wonder and gratitude warred inside me and having nowhere to go, the emotions forced their way out as tears. My knees went to water and I slid down the wall again, covered my head with my arms and wept. Silently, desperately, knowing I was botching everything and unable to see my way clear to fixing it.
Joshua sank to his knees beside her and wrapped his arms around her. "Rina, I'm so sorry. So so sorry." And he just held her tight as he could while the tears flowed. Somehow he had managed to mess this up too. Maybe he should take the opportunity at Meridian to just vanish and decomplicate things. Something else he didn't want to do, but maybe that's what real life was...a series of hard choices that you didn't want to make but were forced to out of necessity.
I stiffened at his touch and then gave in to it. I soaked his shirt until enough of the crap inside me had been exorcised and I could think again. I fumbled a handkerchief from my rear pocket and set to repairing the damage.
"I'm sorry, Joshua. I'm opinionated, arrogant and more than a little pigheaded." I blotted his shirt. "Are you sure you want to get mixed up with me?"
"It's a little late for that, isn't it?" He smiled at her, softly, gently. "I'm pretty sure I'm in love with you. And I know that it is never going to flow the other way. But because of that, I'll do whatever it takes to make sure you end up happy. If it means being with you now and keeping you company until Mike comes back then I can do that. If it means getting off the ship at the next port, I can do that." Maybe. He hoped he could, anyway.
He shook his head at her as he stroked his fingers through her hair. "But don't shut me out of the consequences in this. You may be a mentor and a guide, and a darn good one, but I need to take responsibility for my choices, whatever they might be."
That just set me off again. For months I'd been walking a tightrope between phobia and courage, responsibility and recklessness. Weakness and strength. Now the rope was starting to give way and I could feel myself slipping. I'd started this with the best of intentions wrapped up in mutual attraction and I thought I was up to the task of keeping us safe from heartbreak. Joshua had just confirmed how wrong my assessment had been.
"Don't," I said, forcing myself to some semblance of calm. "Running's not an option. It just makes things worse. I should know. I've spent a decade doing it and it's netted me nothing but trouble."
I straightened and took a deep breath.
"Okay. Responsibility. Since you'll take up your share of it, I'll stop carrying it. I should've respected that from the beginning and I didn't. I was so caught up in trying to manage everything, I ended up presuming where shouldn't have. I'm sorry, Joshua. Can you forgive me?"
Ah-ha, Joshua thought. He had gotten her right where he wanted her. "So, you'll let me take responsibility for my half of the relationship. That means letting me be responsible for if I get hurt. In fact, I know you're going to break my heart." Joshua wouldn't, in fact, be surprised if she dumped him right now. He looked at her, smiling as he nodded softly. "And that's okay. It will heal. But that's my responsibility."
And as the words left Joshua’s mouth, he realized that the noose that fit around Rina’s leg just as easily fit around his own. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "And that means," he said, opening his eyes and letting loose a small sigh, "you're responsible for your half and for how Mike feels about it all. It won't be my job to feel guilty. Whatever you decide - how long you stay with me or for what reasons...that will be all you." She would never know how much it cost him to basically declare Mike could ruin her life because of this relationship and Joshua could never take the blame for her. Or considering how this argument started, he thought, maybe she would.
The Chinese have a saying: Be careful what you wish for. In name, it’s an adage. In reality, it’s a curse. In person, it’s a stone cold bitch.
What did I wish for, really?
I wanted to prove to Joshua that he had worth beyond his job description, that he was worth saving from slavery, that he was worthy of respect, friendship and love. That he was free to make his own decisions, to exercise his own free will. That he was human, that he did in fact possess a soul. All those things that Blue Sun either enforced or denied him.
By his declaration, it appeared that I had, but there was only one way to be sure.
“Fair enough,” I said, sniffing deeply and mopping up. I bit my lip, unsure how to proceed but determined to plow through anyway. “I went into this with the hope to accomplish some things and I don’t want to assume I succeeded. So I’m just going to ask.
“What did you want out of this, Joshua? Did you get it?”
He looked at her. "I can't be less than honest with you, so I guess it doesn't really matter. Except it does. If I tell you I found what I was looking for, are we through?"
Something in his tone set an alarm ringing in my head and before I answered with my first impulse I swallowed my words and looked at him narrowly.
“Define ‘through’.”
"Through with being lovers." Joshua needed to be as direct as possible. "Back to being crewmates and good friends and no more."
And there he had me.
If I couldn't commit, it wasn't fair to go on sleeping with him. As Mike had wisely pointed out long ago, sleeping with someone carried an implicit promise. Now that I was, did I intend to keep it? It mattered not if I'd made my position clear before falling into bed with Joshua. Repeated beddings only eroded it, as practice overrode principle and false hope blinded one's partner to the truth. If I truly wanted to show him the respect I believed he deserved—that he had earned--I owed Joshua a truthful answer. Otherwise all my high ideals meant nothing and regardless of having achieved my objectives, I really was no better than the Lieutenant had been.
And God help me, I didn't know what to say.
Joshua saw the pause hanging in the air, heard the indecision echoing in his ears, and felt it vibrating in the very core of his being. Rina didn't know what to say, which meant that he had to make it easy for her. He knew what the answer should be, he just needed her to come to that conclusion herself.
"Rina," he said quietly, "if you ignore the falling in love part and the getting to sleep with the person you fell in love with part, I still found something by being with you." He put a single hand on his chest, patting it quietly. "I'm human, no matter what anyone says, no matter where I actually came from. There wasn't any other conclusion to come to."
Then he reached forward, grabbed her hands, grasping them tight. "I think the question you should ask is, 'If things stayed the way they were two days ago, would I want to sleep with Joshua?'" He looked at her and squeezed her hands once, just to remind her again he was here. "Give me the answer to that question, and that answers all the rest."
He was cheating, of course. The question was rigged. But it might not matter anyway, he thought.
If I said no, it would ruin everything we’d already had. If I said yes, I was no better than the Lieutenant. But that was if I answered Joshua’s question as framed, and that was not the ultimate issue.
I couldn’t commit to him. That was the bottom line. In the end I would walk away and leave him. Either when I got Mike’s call or before it came, no matter how many scenarios I threw at it, I would end up leaving and I would break Joshua’s heart.
His heart, his responsibility, he said. But just as he’d insisted on facing the consequences for his part in this affair, I had to face mine.
“Yes, I would. And yes, we’re through,” I said. “But not tonight.” Holding his hands fast to keep him with me on the deck, I leaned in and kissed him.
Since this season turned out to be RP heavy, it's only fair to include the link to everyone's efforts.
Go back to Briefing with the Captain | Skip to Janus Gambit.
Go to Peripatetica - Rina's Journal entry and RP log
Go to Rina's Russian Glossary
Go to Rina's Crew Page
Go to EPISODES or TIMELINE
