Shadows of Miranda
The discussion she'd had with Wickett was sticking in Tian's head strongly. She wished she could talk to some of her old colleagues and friends about the situation, but everyone was back in the Core... and although that's where they were headed, she wasn't sure about looking them up. Had she kept people at arm's length without realizing it? Certainly the few Waves she'd sent to friends had yielded the occasional chatty letter from a few friends. But many of her colleagues had distanced themselves when she left the Navy, not wanting the tarnish to rub off on their careers. Not that she could blame them much.
Pausing at Valentine's door, she considered what she was about to do one more time. Would it be one more thing that he'd merely say 'okay' and sigh over? Or would it be the straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak, and he'd finally tell her she couldn't stay aboard? Guess it was time to find out. She knocked at his hatch, and when he opened it and met her eyes, she smiled faintly. "Got time? I... think I could use a friend."
"Of course," Val said firmly, inviting the good doctor in. Before the knock on his door, he had been mulling over that number...that crazy, outrageous number Mary Ann had quoted him. That thought process had lead him to some conclusions. Conclusions about how he was managing the crew, about how he had been acting, what he wanted to do with his life. Big thoughts, in other words. But he quickly brought himself back down to the moment at hand as he sat across from Tian. Tian didn't need his big thoughts, she just needed a friend it seemed. So turn off the captain and start being a friend.
"You know my door is always open for you, Tian, not just as a captain but as a friend. So talk to me. What's going on?"
Tian moved into his cabin and shifted her weight on the balls of her feet slightly, as if nervous. Her hands clasped together in front of her as if she's preparing to teach a class or give a speech. The body language is clearly defensive, though perhaps she herself isn't aware of it. "I appreciate that you let me attend the conference," she began. After a pause, she continued, "It gave me some information that I hadn't been able to learn on the Cortex feeds. And I don't really know who else to talk to about it all."
She looked at him with a rueful smile. "Rachel and Poco are afraid enough of me right now, and Viki worries too much." Capturing the corner of her lower lip, she worried at it with the edge of her teeth for a moment before more words spilled from her. "What's happening to me... isn't an unknown phenomenon. But its etiology and potential progression are troubling."
Val didn't want to make assumptions. And knowing Tian, he was guessing that she had kept some things to herself. "Why don't you start by telling me what exactly *is* happening to you, Tian? Let's put some boundaries on the problem for me."
Blowing out a slow breath, Tian lowered herself gingerly to sit on the edge of Val's chair, her hands sliding absently up and down her thighs as if to dry her palms on her slacks. The movement smacked of nerves, something that the doctor hasn't really been prone to until recently. Gathering herself and stilling the betraying movement, she began.
"It has been known from the start that there is a tiny percentage of the very few survivors of Reaver attacks who come out of the encounters changed. Most of what I ever heard about it all was third- or fourth-hand, rumors from soldiers who knew someone who knew someone whose cousin survived, that kind of thing. They seemed to feel a distinct pull toward Miranda, rumor had it that for some the siren song was so powerful that if they were not allowed to go, they went insane and killed themselves." She paused and smiled ruefully. "Some kinds of myths are eternal."
Shaking her head, she continued in a soft voice meeting his gaze head-on. "Before you panic, I do NOT feel a pull toward Miranda. But.... *something* has definitely changed, Val. I have... blocks of time that are missing. I think I may be sleep-walking -- occasionally I find myself doing things and having no memory how I even got there. Attacking you, as an example. I thought that it was just nightmares, but... if this researcher is correct, there may be a lot more to it than that."
"Must be frightening, losing time like that." Val thought that one of the traits he shared with Tian was a need to be in control of your personal life. And memory blank spots like that would be disturbing.
He kept his gaze focused on her, but trying to give off an air of comfort and confidence. "How I can help you, Tian? You're one of the few friends I have. Whatever I can do, I will."
"I... don't honestly know," Tian admitted. "I needed to tell someone." She paused and added quietly, "What I did to my wrists? Val, ... I didn't even know I was doing it. Not until Rachel pointed it out. I was grateful that she attributed it to me trying to get free, but... I don't know if that's what I was doing." Her hands unconsciously slid up and down her slacks-covered thighs again. "I've had trouble with insomnia and nightmares for a while, you know? And Nuri's ... predictions, let's call them... they bother me. I don't know if she was simply repeating my own fears that I could be a danger to the crew -- more an empathic mirror of my own mindset -- or if she was actively sensing or seeing some very real change in me."
She met his eyes. "I couldn't live with myself if I became a danger to the crew, Val. And ... " Pushing out a sigh, she admitted quietly, "The guest speaker at the conference, though... she has some research ideas that I really want to follow through on. To keep in contact with her about. I just... she's going to want me to volunteer for her study, and unless things get bad, I don't want to have to stay in a hospital. I need you... to be able to make an objective call as we go forward on whether you see me getting better or worse. And to let me know -- or possibly even force me, if you're very clear that I've crossed that line -- if I get to a point that you think I need to be confined."
"I can do that, of course." Val wasn't a doctor and didn't even play one on the Cortex. Should he be pushing harder for her to go see this speaker or someone really trained in mental health? And if he wasn't pushing harder, was it because he selfishly wanted her to be around, to keep him focused, to help him do his job better? He knew himself, at least when it came to doing his job. And he wouldn't hesitate to use people if it got things done. Was he doing that with Tian when he needed to be her friend instead?
He shook his head a little. "But very clear is maybe being a little weak. I won't let you hurt your friends, but I'm not going to overreact and throw you in the brig at a moment's notice. Do we even have a brig?" It was a fair point. Val wasn't sure where you could actually confine someone on board and have it be both secure and safe. "I know you'll keep in touch with this researcher via wave. But don't hesitate to ask if you need a jaunt somewhere to see them or to get some data you need."
Of course, you might not need me once we get all those credits. He wasn't afraid to admit that he had given some thought (briefly) to sabotaging the whole surf record sale to keep everyone on board. But he hadn't given in to the temptation, and if Tian needed to leave for her own sake at some point down the line, he'd make sure to help her with that. He wouldn't be able to live with himself otherwise.
Tian couldn't help the smile that quirked the corners of her lips. "I'm counting on you to NOT overreact, because Poco and Rachel are doing enough of it already, you know?" But she nodded to his instruction to ask if she needed to go somewhere. "If it comes to that, we'll see what happens. She's.... she's had some luck with pharmacotherapy, and to be honest.... I'm considering it," she admitted. "I want to see for myself if her research is sound."
Shoving a hand into her short hair, Tian seemed relieved. "I want to stay on board, Val. I ... never thought I'd hear myself say this out loud, but I'm enjoying what we do out here. We've made a point to try and help people wherever we end up, and that's all I really ever wanted to do anyway."
"Surprisingly, I'm enjoying what we're doing out here too, Tian. I'm not very good at it, but I'm enjoying it. Mary Ann said something to that effect, that it wasn't such a bad life, flying from planet to planet, helping people out. It's one hundred percent away from what I thought I'd be doing," (to say the least, he thought), "but I can see what my father must have seen in it."
Tian offered a smile at that. "I think ... there is a tendency, especially among children, to look at a parent's actions in light of how they affect us. You've had a unique opportunity to step into your father's shoes and realize that, for better or worse, he was just a man. He made good choices, he made bad choices, but overall... he was just a man trying to get along in the Verse." She shrugged a little. "I'm glad for you, Val. You might never agree with what he did or how he did it, but I think perhaps your ability to understand him a little better gives you insight into yourself as well. And that is never a bad thing."
He hadn't meant to make it about himself and he said so. "I'll figure it all out. Me and my dad are small potatoes when it comes down to it. What's important is you and the crew. I know I've not been the captain you wanted or needed lately but you can trust me in this regard. And you will get this figured out. You saved Nuri's life. Everything after that ought to be easy." Val was still impressed by the sheer force of will and innate skill it had taken Tian to do that. A person who could do that could do anything they put their mind to.
Pushing to her feet, Tian said simply, "Saving Nuri's life ... ranks really high on the list of accomplishments that I am proud of. I hope that she has a life full of wonder." She smiled faintly. As she moved to the door and opened it, she told him as she stepped out, "I'll keep you up to date on what I learn from the research, Val."
"Keep me up to date on *you*." Val smiled. He needed her on board a lot more than she needed him. She wouldn't forsake everything else for diving into the research.That would hurt more than it helped. But it didn't hurt to remind her that he cared more than just about the research.
Pausing just a moment at the door, Tian looked back and nodded slightly in acknowledgment before stepping into the hall and closing his door.
There in the corridor, she leaned against the wall for a long minute, her face tipped to the ceiling. Doubt crowded her mind, preying on her confidence. She would never be able to live with herself if she hurt someone. What horrors must that person have suffered to turn them into the monster? The echo of the Sheperd’s thoughts haunted her. She’d seen horrors… and she feared that she might finally have seen enough of them to become the monster. Be strong, she told herself. You can find a way through this. There has to be a way through it. If it really is a kind of PTSD, there is a way through, a light at the end of the tunnel… you just have to hold on until you find it. It was all she COULD do. And she had to believe that the people around her cared enough to not put her out of their misery while she tried.
That was the hardest thing of all.
Return to Episodes | Season Three | Firefly-RPG Homepage | Crew Page
