TheStarsAreRight:MaxineNote1
R: It's 11:30 AM (EST) when Redland finally finishes his conversation with 'Deuce'. Jack thinks for a moment and then finds a quiet spot to lie down.
R: Closing his eyes, he concentrates on Maxine, focusing his thoughts so he can send out a telepathic signal. It always feels unnatural to him, but after a few moments he succeeds.
M: Maxx is struggling with the ending honorific for a letter she is writing when a familiar sensation of someone "knocking" tickles her brain. A smirk as for once she is actually someplace safe for the call. She moves from her desk to turn off the tea kettle percolating then sits comfortably on the cushioned apartment couch and takes the "call." The myriad of impressions and sensation coalesce to tell her this is...
M: "Hello? Jack? That you?"
R: "Hey, Maxx. Yeah, it's me. We'd talked a bit during our little get together, and I figured that, in order to avoid mistakes of the past (mainly working at cross-purposes or inefficiently going over the same ground), I'd try to keep you updated on what I'm doing and on what the rest of the 'French' group is doing, at least as long as I'm with them. I also figured we could..." R: He trails off, sheepishly. "Er, first, though... that is... how are you doing? Everything going okay?" M: If you can sense laughter you hear it right now, "I am doing alright at the moment and I'm hoping you are well too? And don't worry...I know sometimes I have so much inside to say it's hard to remember to go over the niceties too. "
M: "Jack I have to say I appreciate that you've taken me up on the invitation to stay in touch; it allows me to feel comfortable to do the same with you. I can keep you updated, listen if you want or need a friendly ear or offer a perspective too. I freely offer this and hope perhaps you might when comfortable offer the same."
R: Redland interjects briefly, "I appreciate that, and, of course, I'm always happy to offer my perspective... often whether it's wanted or not!"
M: "I'll certainly tell you what I can of our efforts as long as I am traveling with the "Spanish" group, though even if not with them I will share what I'm up to as well. I had been spending a lot of time before Gathering speaking with inactive Soldiers and Avowed - mostly French though not all -but unless called differently I'll be back to traveling with the Spanish for a time. Though it sounds a little like your time with Carl et all is nearing an end for you?"
R: "I'm sure it'll shock you to learn that I don't always agree with the members of the French contingent," he grins wryly, "and it's come to the point where I'm no longer prepared to help advance their ideas at the expense of my own."
M: "I can't say that I'm surprised. As a member of the French contingent I run into similar contemplation, but I am glad that you recognize your need to pursue differently. Tell me, are you alone or supported in this decision? Have you considered asking if you can travel with other groups like ours for a time, or would you prefer to be on your own? I don't know if we'd be more agreeable but I know I would find hearing your viewpoints refreshing and any discussion you might have with Tony or Theo would definitely be mutually....enlightening."
R: "I'd say mostly alone, though I may be mistaken in this regard. I intend to push the issue more aggressively, soon, and see where everyone stands.
R: "In terms of traveling with the Spanish group... well, I wouldn't be surprised if I burned some bridges the last time we met. It also did not appear that any of them were more amenable to my ideas than my current crew. Less so, probably, as my traveling companions are, I believe, much 'newer' than yours, and, as such, are probably more likely to be swayed by my arguments. In addition, despite my frequent complaints, Carl is very understanding of my wayward ways... I'm not sure if Theo would cut me the same slack.
R: "All that being said, if you think that I (or others) would gain something by my switching tracks, I'd certainly take it under consideration."
M: "I concede that many of your views do not engender a strong support from the group as a whole so much as confusion. Our group might present you with a greater challenge for debate, though all of your current group has shown some considerable growth, so I don't think they will hold back their thoughts much longer.
M: "As to Theo, he would....I can't begin to tell you if he would understand or not. As you've seen, each King has their own view, style, quirks and tolerances. I suspect he may be more tolerant than you might believe, but I can't prove it. I suggested traveling with our group, or any other group really for a time simply so you might see another perspective to how group interactions work - though ultimately that approval to travel would have to be agreed upon by the Kings, if not the Generals. I just believe sometimes a change of view even for a short time can do some good."
R: "I'll have to see how things pan out with my people, but if nothing else, it'd at least give me a different set of frustrations to deal with!"
M: "One of the reasons I've been speaking with inactive Avowed and Soldiers are for similar feelings. I've had a need to define and resolve what it is I'm expected to do, told to do, supposed to do, what I actually do, and what in my conscience I'm urged to do. They all haven't often agreed which I can accept as normal when the reason or purpose is adequately addressed...but it is more often not. So I have been leaving the group for periods of time to better develop my stance, thoughts, abilities and gain a sense of history from those who lived through it from all Paths to understand their biases and truths. That way, when we read or hear accounts of what has happened or what is believed will happen I can interpret them as clearly as I am able and apply my understanding to my choices."
R: He pauses for a moment before continuing. "Ah, but before I go off on some rambling, ego-driven diatribe..."
M: "Oops I might have beaten you to that - sorry please don't hold back. I won't think less of you for it!"
R: "I should probably give you a quick status update. Hmmm. Let's see, Rebecca, Mary, Henrik, and I are currently in New York. We have not yet secured the Sword of Solomon... Stewart still has that back in Baltimore."
M: "A-ha I wondered how that went...And our group will be converging in New York over the next week or so. As you know, Theo went with Carl and Auda to deal with Kingly Redoubt issues; Amanda to Tibet (RM OOC: I think? Jan may wish to correct) first to check in and then I'm not sure but I assume to work out some personal goals with Andrew White who has been away on assignment but is due back soon. Andrew Scott I strongly presume is looking into matters given to him by Theo and trying to repair some personal issues; Tony I also assume is looking into matters with or for Theo and tending to his personal issues...our group has a LOT of personal issues." I am definitely laughing here.
R: Jack shakes his head, smiling.
M: "I am here in New York to learn all I can about Penthius and a few other things based on our discussions at Gathering. I believe our group's ultimate goal from now until October is to dig in and prepare for the first incursion in New York."
R: "Oh, hey, I didn't realize you were here in New York. We should see if we can get together for lunch or something. We could have a face-to-face chat. You could also come with us to talk with Pentheus if you liked. There's a decent chance we'll be chatting them up before we leave, and I am, I believe, in their good graces, so I might have decent access to people, if that would prove helpful."
M: "I would be VERY grateful for this and would absolutely love to join you for lunch and or dinner in addition to a meeting with Penthius. It would be extremely helpful for me to try to see them through your eyes and understand their aims a bit better for myself."
R: "Excellent. Let's see what we can put together."
R: "Anyhow, I'm in the process of concluding some (unpleasant) business with the remnants of Eveling Industries, with the help of the Fae (more specifically, the Unseelie Court, which I just learned about this morning while talking to Ms. Caine)."
M: "Aren't they (Unseelie) something else? I've been learning more about them too. I don't want to pry but can you give me a basic summary on your unpleasant business? I'm just curious if it dovetails into any of our unpleasant business? We have largely been establishing lines of communication with the Fae and building rapport, understanding."
R: "I haven't met with the Unseelie, yet (well, not since they've 'become' the Unseelie). From what I understand of the different Fae, though, they sound like they'd be more my speed than the Seelie. Meridon could have put me in touch with either group, but I figured seeking the aid of the Unseelie would be much more productive (and congenial).
M: "I think overall you are correct in this, just do your best to respect the protocols they are a VERY big deal."
R: "Hmmm. Protocol has never been my strong suit, but I'll see what I can do!"
R: "In terms of the unpleasant business, that involves a guy named Lawrence Eveling. He's a fairly ... well, I guess I'd say evil fellow. There's also some personal stuff (isn't there always!) involving the man, but it's not my personal stuff, so I can't say too much. That being said, if you don't mind, before we conclude our conversation, I'd like revisit the topic of this guy."
M: "Of course."
R: "Hmmm, in terms of what we'll be doing next, our options are pretty open once we've dealt with Lawrence. If I have my way, we'll either be departing for Cluj to deal with the Brotherhood or staying on in New York to coordinate with Pentheus and track down Donal."
M: "Well if you are going to deal with the Brotherhood of the Beast, do let me know as I've communicated the multiple Kings desire for Edward Chandler to pursue that vein to him. He and his army are in the midst of going to or handling the situation. It would be very poor form for both of you to mistake each other as enemies or do double work when you could work well together."
R: "Although I'm starting to change my mind on how to deal with 'enemies' (I've always preferred to engage with people, rather than harm them), I'm still of the opinion that we should try to talk to the Brotherhood, rather than just assuming a hostile position.
M: "I held similar views and by and large I like to believe that I still do. But through my experiences I have come to believe that there are some with whom talk is truly pointless due to a combination of their unwillingness to compromise, their proven inclination toward duplicity or that they happily performs acts that my moral and ethical code defines 'evil.'"
R: "I'm slowly coming around to this point of view, but it's difficult. From a personal standpoint, I'd prefer it if everyone could get along. From a more practical position, I think that the more humans we have pointed in the right direction, the better. If we can delay our problems until after the Outsider situation is resolved, we could all benefit, even if our differences are intractable."
M: “Agreed. That is the goal and how we should strive in all our interactions I believe but…I’ve found that being flexible has served our goals and my continued existence, well.”
R: However, if the dye is cast, I'm not going to lose too much sleep over their demise. It would be useful to know if/when Edward's attack is planned, so that, as you say, we can avoid stepping on each other's toes. In particular, if his attack is going to happen soon, I may just leave him to it and move on to other objectives."
M: "I would have to check with Edward on the status and estimated time of actions if he chooses to share this much detail, but I can clearly reiterate he is on the case. Also, Donal? Can you give me a full name because this sounds very, very familiar and I would like to see if I can save you more time..."
R: "Unfortunately, that is the only name I have. Well, John Elwar knew him as Joc, but that's probably not of use. Let's see, Donal is noteworthy in two main respects: One, he is almost certainly involved with the Principle of Aspiration (I believe him to be the 'Agent of Change'). Two, he is associated in some way with Pentheus, whether an ally, enemy, or neutral, I do not know. Of further note, a 'donal' is an alchemist's construct that can gather information and then returns to its creator and ... melts(?)... transmitting the information to its creator. He was the godfather of Laura (the potential Principle of Aspiration who you may have met at Wisphers). I also have in my possession a half-crown piece that he told Laura could be used to summon him. How it works (or whether it works at all), I do not know."
M: "Donal sounds quite intriguing and doesn't match up so far, but when we finish I'll check my notes. It's familiar, maybe it is just the term. Funny, I also enjoy exploring the meaning of names sometimes it's relevant; sometimes it's just funny or ironic. Jack, for example means "God is gracious" but if from the derivative of the name Jacob it means "He who supplants." Maxine just means "Little Maximus" I think..."
R: He speaks almost as an aside, "For us, 'Jack' tends to be a 'Christian' name and not a nickname. I think it is otherwise for the Americans."
R: Continuing normally, "Yeah, if you had any information on Donal, I'd definitely appreciate it. I've been investigating his disappearance almost from the first day I joined up with Carl, Rebecca, and Henrik. Apart from the practical value of locating him, it would also be personally satisfying."
M: “If I find after reviewing notes that I’ve more information I’ll get in touch with you and share it. I understand about those long term quests that need to be seen through to the end.”
R: "Say, this reminds me. Meridon has suggested that the reason I've had so little success getting people to listen to me, is that I've done a poor job of explaining why I think we should do things. Thus, I've spent a bit of time writing down my plans and why I think people should follow them. If you're interested, I can jot down a quick copy and deliver it to you (either via a messenger or in person if you want to meet up)."
M: "Absolutely. I would be very interested to read your views and if you would like response, I'll share that too."
R: "Great. I'll jot down a copy after we finish chatting. If we can get together for lunch/dinner/Pentheus, I'll give it to you then. Otherwise, I'll look into alternatives..."
R: "Uh, let's see, that's mostly all that I have to report at the moment. There were a few other things I wanted to ask you, but first I was wondering if there is anything I (or we) could do for you while we're here. You know, maybe save you a trip or at least lay some groundwork for you, or whatever."
M: "You are kind to ask. I fear I am here to satisfy my personal understanding of who Penthius is and what they believe for me as not translated through others. But once I am reunited with the group at large my aims may change with any expanded knowledge they offer. If you and I can continue to share between each other than we may as you said cut down on double work and we all may have a better clue of what we can do to complement one another. To that end, what may I or we do for you?"
R: "In terms of doing stuff, I don't have anything at the moment, I don't think. However, depending on how things shake out with the rest of my allies, I may have several things that I'd want to coordinate (generally speaking, these things would be things I would want people not to do, if possible, as opposed to things I'd want them to do)."
M: "I can't guarantee but I am open to listening and considering your view and certainly sharing it with others if you like. I want to hear your side and reasons."
R: "Oh, also, if you have any questions as I'm talking, feel free to interrupt me and let me know. I sometimes get a bit untracked when communicating telepathically, I guess due to a difference in the visual cues or something."
M: That sense of laughter, "Really? I tend to get passionate and want to be very clear so you must do the same for me if I've expressed my point inadequately."
R: Somewhat abruptly, the mood changes a bit, and Redland seems uncertain as he speaks. "I don't know if this is too personal of a question, but I was wondering, uh, if you've ever killed anyone."
M: There is a space of silence for a few heartbeats longer than the previous flow of conversation. Then a somber reply, “Yes. I have. You have not?”
R: Despite having brought up the topic, Redland appears a bit uncomfortable. “It’s possible, albeit unlikely, that I may have done so during the War. I … well, what I’m contemplating now is … different. Whether it is more terrible, I’m not sure. What concerns me is whether I’ll be able to do it, and if so, whether I’ll be able to handle it afterwards.”
M: Pauses thinking over her reply when you add -
R: “You seem to be a pretty, uh, together … sort of person, so I just figured…” Redland sort of trails off here.
M: Laughter warm and slightly self-deprecating for a moment, “Oh I don’t know how together I actually am. I like to think I am but I tend to reason that’s all perspective, though thank you for the compliment. Let’s say I’m pretty functional – how about that?”
M: She grows somber guessing what you might be getting at but deciding to let you ask directly. She does add, “I am not consciously someone who enjoys death; witnessing it, bringing it or giving it. I have been around long enough now to tell you with absolute certainty that death is not the worst fate someone can experience, but that can offer little comfort when you’ve watched the spark of life fade from someone’s eyes whether you believe you are justified or not. That is if you respect life.”
M: “You are contemplating or anticipating a kill besides the many anticipated at New York’s Incursion?”
R: “Yeah. The aforementioned Lawrence Eveling. It’s kind of complicated, insofar as I sort of want to kill him… he’s a pretty evil fellow… but at the same time, the prospect of doing so kind of sickens me. I could just order his death, but that feels even more wrong. In addition, I think that killing him will benefit me personally, to an extent.”
M: What is the lesson in killing him or benefit that you believe will be an aid to you? Do you think it will make you happier, healthier? Stronger? A better Avowed?
R: “Oh, I should mention that I’m not one of the Avowed. I couldn’t fight my way out of a wet paper bag and this conversation is pretty much the extent of my ‘magical’ power.”
R: “The potential benefit to me is related to my lack of power, though. I think one of the reasons (and there are many) that my ideas are not taken as seriously as I think they ought to be, is that I’m just a guy… I’m not a Soldier, King, Principle, etc. I could be mistaken about this, of course (er, the ‘not taken seriously’ part, not the King part…). Anyhow, success in this Eveling situation could grant me a certain aura of efficacy. Even though it will be the Unseelie Fae who will do most of the heavy lifting, I’ll be the guy who ‘made it happen’.”
M: Laughter merriment, “Sorry I… let me absolutely assure you: being Avowed, Soldier or Principle absolutely does not guarantee you are taken seriously or that your voice will have strong weight for final decisions, though it may make you a bit harder to ignore in some circumstances. However in other circumstances NOT being any of these things most definitely grants you a strong voice. Think on this way…when we like myself become what we become, even and especially the Kings who must think in such broad strokes to make existence altering decisions, how much easier or less painful to heart or conscious is it when one takes the humanity out of your calculations or your actions?
R: “Allowing that it may be ignorance or ego influencing me, I do not intend to permit the Kings to arrogate the right to make existence altering decisions. I don’t trust the Kings of Fate or Body, and, while I do trust the King of Life, I don’t particularly support his plan or process.”
M: I think one of our greatest personal threats is to suffer eventual loss of humanity – what it means to just be alive and here trying to muddle through without the burden of having seen or known too much. Talking with inactive soldiers confirms this to me. With the newly Avowed, it’s not so much a threat unless the person they were had difficulties in their humanity prior. We all have safeguards against losing touch and they work in varying degrees for many.
R: “Now, I hadn’t heard that before … about losing touch with your humanity. I could see that being a problem for someone who associates too much with the Fae or someone like myself who traffics with Outsiders, but why would it be a particular problem for the Avowed?”
M: But you have something natural and precious Jack, right now. This is something you bring to your group whether they know it or not; just by being you, being and responding as a human with your strengths and your flaws. You are a reminder as they go out and do what they do. To be human is truly an awesome thing and what you can and I hope you continue to do is to shout it to them when they start to slip.
R: “I’m not quite sure what constitutes ‘my’ group anymore, but it does seem that we have become less ‘mystical’ over time, which is maybe a good thing. We’re got a King, a General, and a Soldier, with the balance being normal guys like myself. (Well, I mean, maybe not quite like me… only a few can be that great!).”
R: “Anyhow, I think being successful in the endeavor to ‘deal with’ Lawrence might grant me some ‘status’, since all of my allies want him killed, but … I don’t know. I’m pretty sure I’d be happier if I could somehow ‘deal’ with him without killing him.”
M: Alright. You don’t have to kill him no matter how heinous his acts. But you still seem compelled to be one to mete some response to his acts. So, how else could you deal with him that you think appropriate to his actions and level of threat? And how would doing that make you feel about the threat he presents? About yourself?
R: “Yeah, I think that constraining the threat he presents necessitates killing him. After what happened with Baron Hauptmann, I’m not sure how you go about containing these kinds of guys.
M: Ahh as one who was there immediately to see the aftermath when Hauptmann’s escape was discovered I…must agree if this person has similar abilities I don’t see how containment can work for a long term solution.
R: “Hmm. I should ask you more about Hauptmann before we finish talking.”
R: It would also be seen as a pretty serious betrayal, I think, if I let him live.” He continues, as a bit of an aside, “I also have certain ethical issues with imprisoning people (as opposed to killing them, which causes a different set of ethical problems), but that’s a matter for another time… if ever!”
M: If you care you should take in to consideration your group’s views, but you should also make sure you respect your own views. There are many ways to contribute and killing someone is only one. Tactics and planning is another; something to consider.
R: “I’m pretty sure he has to die. However, I have doubts about my own efficacy: Can I do it? Having done it, can I handle it? I just…”
R: “I suppose what I’m wondering, is if there’s any, er, ‘trick’ to it. And, having done it, is there any ‘trick’ to dealing with what you’ve done? I don’t want to end up like Raskolnikov.”
M: “A trick? I don’t know if there is a trick I…” she pauses and gathers her thoughts then continues, “The way I’ve personally dealt with moments of death, when I’ve consciously made the choice that I will do this…well I didn’t handle it very well initially. I don’t think. I was very hurt to do it. Very hurt.
R: Redland listens intently.
M: I hope I will never be “happy” to kill someone. But now the actions are something I can live with if I can accept and believe in the reason for it; that the effect of my actions gives a stronger positive to the whole. For example, if I have determined I’ve reasonably tried all other alternatives and by doing this action I am in clear defense of those I care about, which by the way you are part of that number, this world I love, this life; not my life per se but this …existence that I want to see continue for all, then I can find some place within to handle the concept. I can find it within to do it. In the moment of the action…” Another pause as she tries to say the most accurate words, “I focus and hope to deliver with grace and compassion, if I can reach it. As much grace as someone can muster for doing such a thing, as much compassion as I can feel for the recipient. But I also focus on the act, the logistics the threat the action I must take after too. It’s complicated.
M: None of this is foolproof because other times actions are taken in the moment when there hasn’t been time for careful thought. This is the reason I asked you those earlier questions. To determine among the many things people can say of you and more importantly you want to say of yourself you might choose to add, “killer?”
R: “I’m not sure how much grace and compassion I possess.”
M: Oh I’d say a lot more than you believe and others see. Don’t forget that. It’s yours and it’s there. You can reach for it and grasp it if you try.
R: Jack shakes his head doubtfully.
R: “I worry … well, I worry about a lot of things. I don’t want to become too much like Boris, but at the same time, he seems remarkably effective at getting things accomplished.”
M: I worry too. I know Boris, I like him. If we all serve a purpose he serves his, pays for who he has become by it. I personally believe there shouldn’t need to be more than one of him for the playset, so to speak. Don’t strive to be Boris or anyone else but yourself at your best with as much humanity as you have.
R: “What you say makes sense, though. It sounds like since you’re able to reason your way through your actions, coming to the conclusion that your actions were correct, you are able to live with them.”
M: You can feel her inner tension as she says this next part, “If I make it sound neat and tidy….it’s not, not for me. Living with such….weight is work. And in the beginning it was not…there is a time after I’ve killed, if you should see me, that I am…I think I’m actually a little out of sorts but I…no, no I am euphoric – I’m exhilarated. I’m exuberant. I get a rush of adrenaline in certain situations. If you see me it will appear that I liked killing very much. I don’t. There is a part of that process that can be overwhelming. I tend to think the action for some must feel god-like…the ability to choose and end a life!
M: But that’s not my joy, I don’t enjoy the death of an individual. That is not what makes me behave that way, feel that way. That act makes me sad or sick sometimes. No it’s my momentary inner victory – I have pushed myself to do this thing and hopefully….I’ve retained my humanity, some ember of my goodness, in spite of it. Then of course there is the urge to show myself after that I am still human…I have, as many do, gone through a lot of the usual distractions to try to prove it to myself: booze, late nights, games of chance. Maintaining inner peace in the aftermath can be hard to keep Jack. Hard.
R: It appears as though Redland has something to say here, but he can’t seem to figure out what it is and the moment passes.
M: A more thoughtful feeling, “Usually I try to remember the names of those who died or the species. I try to remember the cause that I took a life for and let it give meaning to that individual’s sacrifice and the little shreds of my inner peace that go along with it. Surely some I have killed have been mad or evil, but others I think must have been like me; they just thought they were on the best path to do the right thing. Twisted path, but they wanted to do right or well on it.”
R: “There is, of course, a difference between understanding this and what will happen when/if I put things to the test, but I think it’s something I have to do, and there is no gain in paralyzing myself. If circumstances dictate that I must add the term ‘killer’ to my description, there is no reason to spin out a future in which my hands are clean.
M: No but it is important to spin out how you will live with yourself peacefully. You need to know if you can because if you can’t it will only degrade the worst in you further.
R: “I do appreciate your talking with me on this matter. I sometimes feel very inexperienced in, well, in a lot of things.”
M: So do I but you know as you ask and force me to put words to it I understand myself better so I have to thank you for the opportunity to learn a little more.
