TheStarsAreRight:RedlandJournal4
The problems I diagnosed months ago (or days ago, depending on how I look at it) continue to eat away at me. Henrik has taken to treating me somewhat oddly (Patronizing? Indulging?), possibly at Rebecca's request, so I apparently need to do more to disguise it. It's such a bother, though.
I finally located Donal. I was hoping that Laura would get a joyful reunion, but it looks like this is not in the cards. Reality can be so disappointing. I still need to report to her what I've discovered, though I'm not looking forward to it. At least I can check this off my list of obligations, though I'm afraid it will have to enter on the side of the long list of failures.
It sounds like the Brotherhood of the Beast is well in hand. The KoF has had such a large head-start on me (and such a sizable initial advantage), that it is becoming apparent that I will never catch up. Regardless, it looks like I can scratch them off of my list.
Pentheus is looking to be a badly flawed tool. It is fair to say that my enthusiasm for the organization has completely vanished. As the only viable plan on the table, I am, I suppose, obligated to continue supporting them. If Tony wants to destroy them, however, it will be difficult to muster up the energy to defend them. "The mind is willing, but the spirit is weak?" Something like that. I'm just so very tired of doing the right thing, when my heart isn't in it. Sometimes, I wish I could be like everyone else. It seems like it would all be so easy. Of course, one's own issues always appear to be the most vexing, I guess.
I'm pretty sure the Outsiders aren't going to be the solution to anything. Sadly, they're pretty much the only powerful tool to which I have access. I can't, however, in good conscience 'wield' this power in any capacity. In the grand scheme of things about which I have been mistaken, this and Pentheus are surely at the top of the list. But, when you're wrong, you're wrong. Everyone has told me that dealing with them is dangerous and foolhardy. The evidence certainly seems to support this conclusion. It is most disappointing, though, that the only tool I have at my disposal that would allow me to influence events is one that I can't allow myself to use.
The Principles seem to be a dead end. It is not surprising that both kings have largely dropped them.
I'm feeling like all my avenues are being cut off. Things are pressing in on me. I'm also beginning to think that I'm almost uniquely unqualified for the problems at hand. People keep telling me that I need to take a 'leap of faith' ... that I have to 'believe'. It's frustrating, because I know they mean well, but it is clear that none of them understand the first thing about me.
I need to shake off this depression that is descending upon me. Perhaps it was a mistake to spend so much time in the dull greyness of the Unseelie Court. Of course, it might simply be a natural result of the accumulation of failure and the growing understanding of the enduring weakness of my position. While Lord Acton is, undoubtedly, correct, lack of power also has its dangers.
Maybe the Sword of Solomon can save me? That's a thin reed, though. I'm just trapped.
I need to keep my eyes open. Maybe some avenue of escape will appear.
