The Family Way
Many thanks go to Terri for doing this one with me.--Maer
Thursday, 06 Apr 2012
Earhart-Johannsen Ranch
Boros
Decatur was never made to go dirtside but she had an abundance of shuttles and Shyla's was one of the best, a perk that went with the command position. The trip through atmo was smooth as silk and we set down at Nala's ranch with barely a bump. As the hull popped and ticked while it cooled, the rest of us threw off our straps and stepped off. Already, Shyla had her men unloading our baggage. Such as it was. During the flight from Kalidasa, we'd slowly stripped Exeter of our effects, divided them into what we wanted to keep and what to give away. In my case, I had a duffle for my own effects, another for Joshua's, and a box of everything else to go to charity. Life on the Rim wasn't a cakewalk and I knew that the things would be welcome.
I hitched my duffle higher and gripped Joshua's bag and made for the far side of the field where I could see Nala and Larry waiting. Someone came up behind me and my duffle tugged at my shoulder.
"Allow me, Ma'am." It was one of Shyla's men and the courtesy broadsided me into acquiescence. He took Joshua's bag, too, and walked with me the rest of the way. When I got to the fence he pulled a fade before I could thank him and then I had no time to think of anything else as Nala wrapped me up in a hug.
---
As the women departed the shuttle Nika could see that the ranch was slowly starting to get back to normal. There weren't as many "hands" as there had been during the battles, but there were still more than the handful they usually had. She would have to ask Nala later on. Her deep blue eyes swept the pasture, and she paused to let Rina go first. She'd Waved ahead to let her sister know what to expect.
Nala handed the bundle in her arms off to her husband, and met Rina halfway. She wrapped the tiny Russian into her tight hug, exchanging a look with her twin that was filled with sorrow. But true to form, Nala knew which things were most important. She whispered to Rina, "I'm sorry, Rina." She would take her cues over the next days on how to handle Rina, but at this moment she said simply, "It's overwhelming right now, I know. Let's get all you guys into the house and settled a bit, hmm?" She pulled away gently and smiled at the brunette. "I'm starvin', and my sister's makin' me wait for dinner." She winks at Rina. "As retaliation, of course, I brought Kevin."
The little blond boy Arden had saved so long ago raced forward, released by his mother's words to throw himself on his aunt. Nika swept the boy up into a hug, laughing. "Ooof! Good gracious, boy, you're gettin' tall!"
---
"Thank you," I whispered and hugged Nala back. It hadn't occurred to me until that moment that she too had lost a husband with a baby on the way and I didn't know what to say in response. So I fell back on social convention and kept it simple. Maybe later we'd have a chance to talk. When food was mentioned, smiling was surprisingly easy—Nala was a great cook, if of a different sort from Joshua and for once, thinking of him didn't hurt so much. As for Nala's retaliation ...? I leaned over and murmured to her as Kevin kept his aunt busy, "Remind me never to get you mad at me. You fight dirty."
---
The woman's laughter was as warm as her personality. "You better believe it," she retorted, her arm still wrapped around Rina's shoulder as she nudged the entire group toward the house. Her deep blue eyes flickered in surprise to note Brian Connelly among the group of Marines that had accompanied Shyla and Harry groundside -- the last time she'd laid eyes on him was ... Lord, she couldn't remember. "C'mon, y'all. I got us a spread at the house. Nothing fancy, just burgers and fried potatoes and salads and such. But enough for everyone."
Nika put her older nephew down, ruffling his hair, and accompanied him over to meet his baby brother. She kissed Larry on the cheek, and she looked thoroughly out of her element, nearly panicked!, when Larry deposited the tiny squirming bundle into her arms.
The ragtag group began its movement toward the homestead at an easy pace -- it wasn't far.
---
I watched Nika handle the infant and I twitched to offer assistance, but stayed the motion. It wasn't my place to interfere, I reasoned, and Nika was doing well enough. Besides, Nala still had her arm draped around my shoulders, gently but without a doubt herding me inside where good food and good company were waiting. My mouth watered as the aromas hit my nose. Decatur crew ate like kings by spacer standards but nothing beat dirtside meat and produce. It tasted better because it was better and as much as my appetite had been affected by my grief, I had a compelling reason to force myself to eat and care about the quality of what I ate. The needs of my growing baby were well described to me by the med staff and I'd conscientiously followed their recommendations. Being pregnant was a natural process, they assured me, and taking my cue from my body would rarely steer me wrong. Right now it was steering me toward food and I was surprised to find myself ravenous.
All right, you little carnivore, I thought at my baby. Meat's coming. Just don't chew your way out of me to get it, okay? I briefly wondered what Joshua would have made of that had he been able to hear it and I managed to keep my face from crumpling at the thought. Knowing my husband, he might very well have put me on a strict schedule and diet optimized for the best nutrition possible. If there was one thing my husband could lay on, it was food and a hefty guilt trip to eat it.
And as annoying it would have been to endure that kind of cosseting, I would have gladly suffered it if it meant he would still be here with me, alive and whole and eagerly awaiting the birth of his son. I'd caught the look Nala had traded with Larry and knew I would never have the same, and tried not to dwell on the might-have-beens. I had grief enough to deal with. I didn't need more.
---
Nika walked slowly, falling behind with her brother-in-law as the group made their way toward the house. Instead of joining them inside, she took up residence in a rocking chair on the porch with Larry to inspect the newest addition and spend some time with the man who'd married her twin.
Inside the house, Nala had clearly been expecting them. And with the help of a number of sisters-in-law on the Johannsen side the spread that was set out rivaled the one that they'd put together for the wedding. And would probably put together for the wake and funeral too. They were, if nothing else, generous to a fault. With an arm wrapped around Rina's shoulder, the tall blond who was Nika's mirror set about making sure that Rina's plate was loaded and the engineer was safely ensconced in a seat on one of the couches with a drink and anything else she could bustle about and make sure was present.
When she was finally nudged and cajoled into sitting down herself, Nala brought her own plate over to Rina's couch and plopped down next to her, putting her feet up. Despite the unflagging energy with which she'd ridden herd on everyone in the last half hour or so she looked weary. She shared a look with Rina and murmured, "Can't let 'em hover too much or they'd treat me like an invalid, but gotta let them hover enough to make 'em feel useful."
---
"You too?" Just watching her for the past half hour made me feel tired. Even so, I was ravenous and by the time she'd joined me on the couch, most of the food was gone. Which surprised me. The sheer amount of food she'd handed me was enormous and when I accepted the plate I'd had my doubts about finishing it off. "I thought ... well. Whatever I'd thought, it's comforting to know it's a universal phenomenon and not something directed at me specifically because of ...," I sighed, unwilling to say it. "Everything."
---
Although Nika was looking even more like her sister as they both matured into what might be considered their 'young middle age,' there was an edge to Nika that Nala was missing. Still, the elder twin gave Rina a look very reminiscent of Nika's 'oh, come on, get a clue!' look. "No. It's not just you. It's every pregnant or nursing woman. The men don't have a clue what to do with themselves to help so they fall all over their own feet to do everything for you, and the women who've been there know exactly how tired you are and they know exactly when to get serious about making you park your arse in a chair and take the little one out of your hearing." She grinned, her expression holding a mix of compassion and amusement. "It's a tough road, doing it without your husband. But it's doable... especially if you let your family help."
---
"Family." I put the plate aside, my appetite gone. In its place, upset began to gnaw. "I can't stay, you know. After I see Joshua buried I have to take Nikolai home to Meadow. Christian waved me with my parents' address and I am not looking forward to this. I know what Mama is going to say and it's going to be ugly and I just can't stomach it right now." I scrubbed my face with my hands and said through my fingers. "And yes, Nala, I caught your meaning. I just had to get this out first. So ...," I added with a breath and dropping my hands. "Thank you. I'll take all the help you'll give me. I'm going to need it."
---
There was a pregnant silence as Nala looked out over the assembled group. Shyla and Harry were talking with several of the Johannsen brothers and cousins; Mama Johannsen, for all her age, was spry and still clearly the matriarch of the household; Brian Connelly--she still couldn't believe he was standing in the house--was holding a plate pushed on him by Mama Johannsen and watching out the front window with an odd expression. She'd have to revisit that later. Pulling in a slow breath, Nala sought the right words for the woman next to her. "Family comes in all shapes and sizes, Rina." She jerked her chin toward the crew of the Decatur. "Don't know what you know exactly about those years after my first husband died, after Nika left them. But after she was gone, that crew kept on coming back here. Sent me Waves whenever they could. Sent money sometimes too, though I scolded them for it whenever they stopped in." She paused. "They're my family as much as the Abergs are yours." And then she looked at Rina. "Your mother will be stricken, but if the woman so much as says one unkind word to you, she better hope I never get my hands on her. Her issues with what you did in the past are there and must be dealt with, but if she's so foolish as to do so while you mourn a dead husband, she doesn't deserve a woman like you for a daughter."
There was a solid dose of solid titanium in that tone. Nala was every inch Nika's twin in that moment. And possibly, just possibly, far more vindictive than Nika would ever be.
---
That sent my face into my hands again and I struggled to keep my emotions in check. I managed one shaky breath, then two, but lost it on three and helplessly sobbed.
---
Nala wrapped her free arm around Rina, dropping her blonde head to rest atop the dark one. She was far more physically demonstrative than her sister. "You're ours, Rina. Come hell, high water, or the end of the Verse. There's nothing gonna hurt you anymore. Not even your mother," she whispered.
---
Thoughts and responses tumbled through my head upon hearing Nala's words and I understood from her tone that she'd meant them. That steel I'd often seen in Nika was present in Nala too, and magnified in a way that only motherhood could accomplish. I pulled myself together, aware what I said next might well seal my mother's fate.
"Please, stop." I wiped my face and looked at Nala. "I appreciate this, I do. I understand. But I can't lose my mother too. So ... perhaps, maybe ... I should ask Shyla if she can carry Nikolai for me? She's carried him this far. If she's able, perhaps she can carry him the rest of the way. Like ... a military funeral?"
God it was lame. I was shirking my duty to my own brother. But I owed my mother my duty too and damned if I'd keep her safe by my absence all these years only to kill her with my presence now.
---
"Ffft," Nala retorted. "You aren't going to lose your mother, goose." The term was said with affection. "Go take your brother home. He deserves it. Your mother deserves to know what happened to him, and to hear what he knew at the end," she said gently. "I'm simply telling you to not think, ever, that you have no home. Because if she's dumb enough not to want you, a horrible enough mother to blame you, then you come home to us. Personally, I cannot imagine that even in her grief she would be so cruel as to hurt the child who had to watch her brother die. But it takes all kinds to make the Verse work. And I want you to know you're loved. No matter what."
---
I tipped into her embrace and buried my face in her shoulder, unable to speak. Oh I tried, but nothing intelligible came out of me for a good ten minutes.
---
Not certain she'd said the right things -- and Lord knew, some days it was gorram hard to tell with Rina what the right things and the wrong things were, a situation that would only get worse with the hormone roller coaster -- Nala simply sighed and hugged the engineer. "Well, hell, darlin'," she murmured. "Now I'm all a-ditherin'. I didn't mean to make you flood the place." She grinned a little. "I'm takin' it as a good thing, since I know those crazy hormone rides are insane."
---
"Insane about covers it," I gulped back a laugh and wiped my face on my sleeve. "Joshua's dead and it's just killing me and I know it can't be good for the baby and I can't stop feeling what I feel and some days it's like I'm going crazy thinking up all sorts of worst case scenarios about people coming after us or waking up tied to a chair with my baby gone and …" Hearing my voice pitching higher toward hysteria and not really wanting to share my fears with the entire room, I took a deep breath and continued in a more sensible tone. "I must be hormonal but no matter how you look at it, some things refuse to change. Joshua's dead. I'm carrying our child. And when push comes to shove, our baby will not have his father waiting for him when he's born. And that's just … too sad, Nala."
I hugged her again and said, dead serious, "I know I'm safe here and I know you consider me family and it means more to me than I can express, but I have to warn you I am NOT my best right now. I'm too wrapped up in my grief to properly thank you for everything you've already done and will do in the future. Just … please bear with me. Once I set Joshua to rest and take my brother home, I'll have less to juggle and I'll be able to be a decent human being again. Til then, I'm going to be unforgivably selfish. I'm sorry Nala, but I'm running out of rope to hang on to. Just … please bear with me."
---
Nala held Rina tightly and she said softly, "There's no guidebook for how to survive the death of your husband and bring your child into the world without him. There's no right or wrong way to grieve a man who held your heart and left behind a part of himself. You can be as selfish or as mad or as tearful as you need, Rina. You let the rest of *us* worry about things like making sure you eat for the baby -- *you* focus on what you need to be able to grieve for *you*. Until you do, until you find a way past the anger at the unfairness of it all and a way to absorb and function around the overwhelming sadness that comes from missing his arms around you when you need them, you won't be able to be the incredible mother I know you will be. You have to first be the grieving wife before you can worry about the rest. Just know that whatever you need, you have it."
She rested her head on Rina's again. "I've been where you are. I don't have to imagine the conflict of emotions. I had loved Trey Johannsen most of my life," she told the petite Russian. "The things that came before he died... you all gave me the gift of understanding that it wasn't his fault. And it let me forgive and truly grieve for him. I see him in my son, the same way you'll see bits and pieces of Joshua in your child. And it'll be a comfort, not a torture, I promise."
---
I knew about Trey Johannsen and what the war did to him. He wasn't the only one damaged by it—I too had been damaged by the conflict and even now trust was not something that came easily to me, nor faith in a positive outcome. Not when it concerned matters outside my skill set and losing Joshua, having his baby, facing the future alone when I'd expected otherwise …Yes, definitely outside my skill set. But not, apparently, Nala's.
You should listen to her, love, Joshua whispered in my head. More than anyone else here, she knows.
I dragged in a deep breath and laughter from somewhere in the room made me look up and notice something I should have seen right off: I wasn't alone. I had people who cared for me and if I read the signs right off the twins, I had at least two people willing to kill for me. More, even, if the Johannsens were of a like mind. I could make my stand here and grieve for Joshua. I could bring his baby into the world without the dread that had settled like a heavy stone in my chest since the moment I'd received news I was pregnant. And though Nala's sorrow was years old, I instinctively knew that some losses never truly faded and in allowing her to help me get through mine, I would also help her with hers. In the face of her generosity and solidarity, how could I refuse her that?
"Okay," I said, unable to think of anything more elaborate. "Okay."
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